Chapter Text
The night had dumped a foot of snow on Johnston. Standing on the roof of the old abandoned movie theater, he looked on the town where he had been born.
The place where he had fought his best battles and had had his life-changing moments.
In its streets held the moment he had realized he wasn’t like all the other boys, that he didn’t look at girls and feel the same way. It was also the place in which he had watched his sister fight her own battles, where he had overheard his parents question what they had done wrong to find themselves raising a lesbian daughter.
But it was also the place where he had come to know that he wasn’t alone, that even though his best friend with whom he was so close they sometimes confused experiences and memories didn’t look the same way at boys, there were other boys who did. And that there was plenty of love to find.
Allison had been right in that he had never given his heart, at least not in the same way he had given it to Holden. But he had found enough affection and release, enough communal love, to not carry with him any misery and repression. And for that he was grateful to his town.
The theater was also the infamous site where he and Davey had spent their childhood summers tormenting the old proprietor who’d owned it, hiding celluloid and switching matinee playlists whenever they could sneak into the projectionist booth, until the winter they had turned twelve, old enough to know right from wrong.
That summer their parents had made them work for free for the old man, keeping his grounds free of litter and mowing the lawns around the building whenever needed. They had sweated and moaned all summer, but the proprietor had insisted that they acquire some much needed culture while at it, and they had been introduced to Humphrey Bogart and film noir, and the riveting allure of Golden Age sirens. And it had proved one of the best summers of their lives.
And so on the rooftop was where Davey met him.
His hands fisted deep in his winter vest pockets, he listened Davey approach across the rooftop from the exit door, snow crunching as he moved in his usual, easy strides.
“You look in one piece,” Davey remarked. He came to a stop beside him, leaning on the concrete wall going around the roof. He jokingly nodded at his throat. “Anne’s blades didn’t leave any scars, I see.”
He shook his head.
“A mother’s love,” he mused after some time. “It comes in the most unexpected of ways.”
“They looove the ass-handing part.”
“No kidding.”
“Babs and Lew are in town, by the way,” Davey said. “Speaking of unexpected parental ways.”
“Yeah?” he said a little too eagerly, looking at Davey. “When’d they get in?”
“Right after you and Holden disappeared into his hotel room for thirty-six straight hours. Or should I say, gay hours. You can’t imagine my surprise when I saw the bat signal.”
He snorted. “I wasn’t sure it still worked.”
He paused for a time, staring out at the lights around town. Johnston was quiet on a Thursday night, snow-covered as it was. The lights in the business district mostly off, but the neighborhoods and the schools were still lit.
Focused on those small thoughts, he realized he still wasn’t sure where to begin. So instead he asked, “And how are they doing?”
“You’ll get your chance to ask them,” Davey replied, knowing he hadn’t brought him up at two a.m. to talk about his parents.
Davey slanted him a look. “Feeling like a real dick right about now?”
He lowered his head. And stayed silent. He might feel like a dick forever.
For two days he had been making it up to Holden. He had been trying to. Even when Holden had eventually passed out, he had still watched him sleep. Grateful, forever grateful, that he had fallen in love with a man who could show him such patience and love. He had tried to say the words to Holden, to tell him how he felt that he had stayed with him, but Holden had told him he deserved that and more.
And he had talked. While a yellow winter sun had blaze across the room, he had finally been able to talk about the men he had seen him with throughout the years. The ones who had made him hurt for so long. He talked about the phone calls he had been forbidden to make during the season because of their arrangement, when he had so badly needed to tell him how much he missed him and wanted him. He talked of the depth of rejection he had felt.
He also explained how it felt to see with his own eyes that even giving all his love hadn’t nearly been enough. Not to make him stay, nor to keep those men away. And at last he admitted that wanting him had distracted him, until it had finally made him doubt everything, including himself on the field.
All the things he couldn’t say over the years or even as he had intended in Dr. Markham’s office. He held none of it back. He had had no more use for any of it.
And silent on top of him, Holden had caressed him with his toes against his ankles, while he talked. He had left L.A. because he hadn’t been able to tolerate the feelings those memories created inside him. But lying there beneath Holden with nothing but the warmth of their bodies and the hum of sexual attraction between them, they had rendered powerless those emotions.
Holden had asked him whether he had something he wanted to say to him. And as Holden had stared down at him, he had held Holden’s eyes. They had stared at each other for a long time. And when they had seen that they could find no words to come to a better understanding of what their love was, Holden had simply told him that he would take care him.
“Do you believe me?” Holden had asked, his eyes burning into him, and he had nodded yes. And he had closed his eyes as Holden had kissed across his temple and brow. And it had felt like a healing.
But there were things he hadn’t been able to say to Holden, because he hadn’t understood them himself. Why he had done the things he had, what it meant for their future.
Whether he had done something terribly wrong.
Things he needed someone who knew him better than he knew himself to explain to him.
“Wanna know what I think of him?”
“No, not really.”
“I think he’s a saint. All the more so if he used to be this great sinner in the past.”
The words floated in the air.
“So what does that make me?” he finally asked.
“Just about ready for marriage.”
He went silent. Then, resolutely, “I’m not proud of the way I behaved, Jones.”
“You mean ungratefully?”
He glanced at Davey. “You think I did this on purpose?”
“Definitely.”
He kept staring at Davey. But Davey wasn’t looking at him, just at the snow around their feet.
“You brought me here to talk,” Davey said placidly.
Yeah, but still…
He looked away, struggling for the right words.
“What just happened?” he whispered. He felt like a man who had just recovered from the worst migraine possible, only to look around and find that the room had been trashed.
“How did I do this to him? I kept him out of work, from his life…”
“You guilted the shit out of him, and now you’re feeling bad because you enjoyed every minute of it.”
He couldn’t look at Davey. But he wasn’t able to play coy where Davey was concerned. He wouldn’t even bother trying.
“Jesus,” he said softly. “Jones, I made some bad decisions.”
Davey shrugged. “It happens.”
“But I’m supposed to be the levelheaded one. You know? I’m not supposed to be the one to act out, like he was never allowed to hurt my feelings. I don’t think I’m that special. But…look at what the fuck I did.”
“You didn’t hear anything I said about marriage just now, did you?”
“No, I heard ya, but…” He sighed.
“It’s called humble pie, Jay. That special thing that only that special someone could ever feed you.”
God, how true. How often had he heard the nature of love talked about in sentimental terms. Someone had stolen your heart, usually accompanied by a warm fuzzy plea that they take good care of it. Love for sentimental reasons. It was a deeply comforting notion.
But love was full of cold, hard reality, humbling to a fault. Filled with demeaning lessons to impart and sentimentality was just the sweet coating layered over the pill to make it go down easier. The notion he was beginning to respect was the one of being able to take your medicine.
It wouldn’t happen again though. He promised himself that. He’d gotten an anger out of him that had devastated his mental state, therefore nothing more where Holden was concerned would make him act out like this again.
“Ah,” Davey said softly. “I know that look. You’re thinking you have this under control, that it’ll never happen again. But you’re wrong, Jay. It isn’t even close to the last time you’ll do this to him.”
“Bullshit.”
“Guaranteed. It’s like amnesia. He’ll say, Sean, you’re doing it again. And you’ll yell, What?! What the fuck are you talking about! I have never been this angry with you!”
Despite his shitty feelings, he found himself laughing. Because he suspected that might actually be true too. How many times had he gotten upset at Holden for not living up to his expectations, when he had specifically assured him he would be his safety?
Hadn’t he promised he would take care of him, only to lose his patience at the first sign of trouble at Cecelia’s cocktail party. And what about abandoning him when Holden had been facing emotional firing squads, all because he had decided to chose a saner personal life than the one he had been raised to believe in. And finally, rewarding Holden’s patience in waiting him through the season with his near impotence at The Beverly Hills, and saying those bitchy things to him at that their last dinner with Alastair.
And at each turn he had been sure he had a handle on things.
He took a deep breath. He really hadn’t been paying attention when marriage had made Davey the smarter one.
But this time was different. No matter what surprises lay ahead of them, no matter how much Holden’s behavior pushed his buttons, no matter how…impotent he got to feeling in their relationship, he trusted Holden. And he would never push him away again. Or leave shameful, embarrassing bruises on his skin.
He looked over to see Davey watching him closely.
“He giving you hell in there?”
“No, just the opposite.”
“Well, count yourself lucky, my friend, and hope he stays that way.”
He nodded, lowering his eyes to the snowy ground.
“So we’re not gonna carry this forward, right?”
“Are ya gonna let me?” he asked, giving Davey a sidelong glance.
“Nope. I owe Prince Charming that much.”
He snorted under his breath.
And then there was a long silence, during which Davey didn’t make any moves to leave. Eventually, he looked at Davey.
Davey’s gaze was steady on the ground, his elbows resting on the wall. His mild expression hadn’t changed, though he noticed that there were new strands of grey in the black hair at his temple that hadn’t been there the last time he was in town. And that he was overdue for a haircut.
But something was eating at Davey.
“Honestly, Jay,” Davey finally said as if in afterthought. “You don’t have anything to worry about, because that man is crazy about you. I mean, I thought I was crazy about you, but he’s got me beat by a mile.”
He laughed a little, unable to help himself. “You just said that to me, you dope?”
“Yeah, I just said that to you,” Davey replied, giving him a somewhat irritated look.
The look took him by surprise, leaving him stumped for a response.
He waited, hesitantly, wondering what was worrying Davey’s usually genial mind.
“You know what the best part of all of this is?” Davey said quietly, with a seriousness in his voice that kicked his heart into high gear. “The best part of all this is how right it feels. Our whole lives, we never talked about girls like this. Like how we’ve talked about Holden.” Davey paused, still staring at the ground. “I mean, you’d talk about them, but it was this—distance and respect, you know? Which was just odd for a teenager. I honestly thought you were— I don’t know, so into football that you just weren’t that into sex.”
Davey massaged his forehead, then breathed, running his hand through his hair.
He himself wasn’t breathing. He couldn’t, knowing where Davey’s thoughts were leading.
“It was impossible to picture you ending up with a woman. It just was. And I know I said that about you with a guy, but Jay, I was wrong. Seeing you with Holden, even with you spending this whole week being upset at him, it’s like seeing you as a whole person for the first time. Not as that awesome, great looking guy who should’ve been getting laid like the world was coming to an end but inexplicably wasn’t, but rather, finally, as the Jay I know. You’re the man of steel on the football field and standing next to me, but when it came to this other thing… it just wasn’t there.” Davey looked at him, his eyes still. “And now it is.”
But instead of the idea presumably making Davey glad, it seemed to be upsetting him.
Davey rubbed his fingers to his temple, and his chest tightened. He knew what was coming.
“You should have told me, Jay.”
And still he hesitated, an involuntary response to a moment he somehow never thought he would be confronting with Davey.
This was too real.
Tightening the fists he had buried in his pockets, he stared guardedly at his friend.
“Told you about what?” he asked.
“You fucking know what.”
His heart thudding in his chest, he still stalled.
“Are ya gonna get sentimental on me now, Jones?”
“Yes, motherfucker.”
That shut him up.
Davey slowly shook his head, a look on his face he remembered from childhood, when they found themselves faced with something adult and confusing.
Past jokes, past mental reorientations, he understood that their brotherhood was at issue.
“You should have fucking told me. You shouldn’t have faced that alone.”
But his reasoning still clear to him, even after a lifetime.
“I didn’t know how you were going to take it,” he carefully told Davey.
“Who gives a shit how I was going to take it? What difference would it have made?” He sounded hurt and confused. “I wasn’t going anywhere. We were brothers and we were still going to need each other. Anything you were going through, I was going through. And vice versa. Or so I thought.”
Davey abruptly stopped.
Then he turned away and said, “Now I feel like I was just kidding myself. Like everything we went through together was kind of— well, you know. A lie.”
He stared at Davey with a stopped heart.
Davey returned his look with an equally profound hurt. Then he lowered and shook his head.
“Of course it wasn’t a lie. I meant— I feel as though I failed you because you went through all that loneliness and alienation alone. I don’t want to fucking read about it and think my Jay went through that with me standing right next to him. You get me?”
He nodded hard.
“And I guess I just wanted to say that I’m sorry. And that I wish I had been there for you.”
He continued nodding, needing badly to get some control over his out of control heart.
But beyond that he couldn’t think, couldn’t come up with a defense to any of it. So he simply gave in to the truths behind the lifelong, opposite tugs on his heart.
He loved Davey. More than he could ever put into words. It was like having a piece of himself out there in the world. Always there to give him a hug when he needed one, to cheer him on when he needed it, and to hear his worst secrets and never be interested enough in the outside world’s opinion to mindlessly judge him for it.
His love for Davey and his fear of losing him would have kept him in the closet his entire life, or at least until he was too old to care. It wouldn’t have mattered what the social politics of sexuality dictated, he would have simply carried on the way he always had.
And then came his love for Holden, and the fear of losing him which would have had him shouting his sexuality from the rooftops, had he not had the convenience of a press conference to announce it.
It wouldn’t have mattered what he lost. And that was also the truth.
He would have followed Holden wherever Holden wanted him, and he would have made a life wherever that had been.
What he felt for these two men was two sides of the same thing. He understood that. Gifted with the love of either, he would have been the happiest man in the world.
Instead he had them both. And that was the most astonishing thing in the world.
He looked at Davey. “You were there for me,” he assured him. “I wasn’t lonely. You dickhead. I was so far from lonely I wouldn’t have known how to get there with a plane ticket and a VIP pass.”
Davey grinned and lowered his head.
“You made my life so fucking happy,” he told him, “it should have been a crime.”
“And I think in some parts of the country, it was,” Davey told him, fighting a smile. “Likewise, Jay. Likewise.”
Davey’s body began to relax, his breathing deepening. He felt his own heart doing the same, regaining its natural rhythm.
“And,” he slowly told Davey. “To honestly answer your question, yeah, I could’ve made a pass at you. But I’m pretty incest is still taboo in every state. So I could marry Holden, but I’d have to keep stringing you along.”
Davey dropped his head and laughed quietly for a long time.
“And you don’t want that,” he assured Davey.
“I sure don’t,” Davey managed to say around his laughter, wiping the corner of his eyes. “Thanks for making me feel pretty again, Sean,” he quietly joked.
“You’re welcome, sweetheart.”
While Davey continued staring at the snow on the ground, he looked out at the town. The one that had made them the men they were today.
But they had woken up one morning and everything had changed.
“Things sure are different when you’re older,” he mused.
“We really had no idea.”
Davey slowly straightened from the wall, turning to place a hand on his shoulder. He smiled into his eyes. Then he pulled him into his embrace and held him tightly.
He gripped Davey back. And they held each other until he turned and pressed a long, hard kiss to Davey’s neck.
“There it is,” Davey said warmly, making him laugh.
Davey planted a big kiss on his cheek, then pulled back and ruffled his hair. “Come, tiger. I’ve got the Wrangler downstairs.”
“Where’re we headed?” he asked, moving with him from the wall.
“For one last act of domestic terrorism,” Davey said, throwing him a look. “Before I have to face responsibility again, and you head back to you fancy L.A. lifestyle and I gotta keep up with your ass on CNN.”
“Aw, it won’t be like that this time.”
“Save that sweet talk for your man, Jackson.”
~*~