Work Text:
I can’t remember the last time I have felt ALIVE
Maybe it was when I was in 11th grade. I would go to a chill school, the studying was not that hard, I had ppl to talk to.
Except it wasn’t all that great. I remember stressing a lot about which career path I want to take, then I remember stressing because I wasn’t able to do the school work.
When I moved to my new house and new school in grade 12 everything kinda fell into the same pattern. First sem I have friends and they all fall off by the second sem. Eat alone. What’s it like to have meaningful connections with people my age. I don’t really know. I believe it might be the contributing factor to why I feel disgust having to socialize with people my age.
I think most ppl are going through the patterns of life, pattern of waking up, working hard at their studies, getting some free time and hoping they did miss anything. Go to sleep, rinse and repeat. Rise and repeat. Rise and repeat.
I don’t want to. I don’t want to. I don’t want to. I don’t want to.
You know what. I don’t wanna live like a fucking machine. When I go to college this fall, I wanna study something I will fucking enjoy. I don’t wanna study fucking accounting, finance, Econ. I hate that shot. Just give me a slideshow to memorize by heart.
You know what I love. I love philosophy, human psychology, archaeology, mythology.
Born to be a philosopher forced to be a i don’t even fucking know
Not all have the luxury to pursue an arts career tho. I have to support my mom. I don’t know about my idiot brother tho. My mom has no practical skills and she has never gone to college. Idk what to do with her. I would not be able to survive in her shoes.
But does that mean I should throw myself into depression. What is depression anyways. You know humans only start pondering the point of life when life gets hard. When life gets hard you start wondering. Wondering about things. Wondering about the reasons. Wondering about the why’s. Wondering about the is there any point in this.
How do I live like buddha while also living this materialist life. I know what will make me happy. Drop out of bba and switch to communication. That will make me happy because it will ease my workload. It will make me happy because I’ll thrive in my academics. Or at least I think I will.
However for some reason I’m ok with not thriving in communications. I’m ok with not get straight A’s in communications. Because I know I would not have to work tooth and nail to pass. Unlike the math courses in the first two years. I don’t know if I can handle it. What does it mean to handling something anyways. To handle
Working 5 hrs a day. And being done. 5 hrs of study. Maybe one hour of assignment. Then I go home. That would take an extra 2 hrs off. Then what. Will I feel relaxed when I get home. Will I feel at peace.
You know when u have tasted what it feel like to live a life without worries, a life without deadlines, a life without hardships. It’s torture trying to get back into it. Trying to get back into the routine of working when u don’t know how worth it it is. My plan is still the same I suppose. Take the hardest courses in the first semester of bba. See if I can pass it or not. If it’s too much aka I can’t make the coop cut off. I will switch to communications. At least I would know I tried my hardest. Yes some time will be wasted but it is what it is.