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“You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”
quote in John 8:31
The trouble with reincarnation – and actually remembering your past lives – was that it got a bit repetitive after a while. The love triangle issue was one of those things that had also gotten old really fast. During some lifetimes Merlin could hardly stand to look at Arthur and Gwen being so very polite and courteous towards and with each other. Especially since never stopped sharing knowing looks, reminding them of an epic tale still repeated in this day and age. In truth, it vexed Merlin that they had a tendency to allude to sharing such a life together. Especially since their first life should have brought them nothing but remembered heartache.
All the while, Lancelot and Morgana tended to stand at the sidelines of the conflict and continuously looked at Merlin for their cue on how to act. Especially when Arthur and Gwen were once again off and played at being long lost lovers who simply weren’t meant to be. He hated it because he had enough to deal with on his own. It wasn’t as if he didn’t have his own issues and heartache with his and Arthur’s own twisted relationship. He shouldn’t have had to make time to factor in Gwen’s liaisons with both Morgana and Lancelot as well.
It had gotten so annoying that Merlin preferred Uther’s presence at times – their own difficult balance had eroded over the centuries into an amicable relationship. Uther had and probably always would be Arthur’s father in every lifetime they lived – always. It was funny how they all changed gender, race, station, relationships but Uther steadfastly remained Arthur’s father. It made the hard-earned accord between Merlin and Uther agreeable to say the least. Of course, Merlin had been less amused to have Arthur voice hints of accusations of a preposterous and supposed affair between Merlin and his father when the two of them finally got along famously. In light of their present life and all of combined their history, it was very comical in a bitter and ironic kind of way.
For example, it absolutely galled Merlin that while Arthur always ended up with Merlin, he never began his romantical life that way. It almost felt as if Arthur had to try every option open to him to make sure that Merlin was really going to be it for him. That Merlin really was the one.
It got very old after the first few lifetimes. And it had only gotten worse after that. One of the more memorable and hurtful lives that they had shared was one during the Victorian age. During that lifetime, Merlin had been reincarnated as a woman. Arthur had almost cruelly let Merlin become an old maid before committing himself to Merlin at long last. It had been the highlight of that very season as well as highly entertaining gossip matter for many more when the handsome earl had chosen a mousy Merlin from the low nobility for a bride. A part of Merlin still thought that Arthur had only married him because Merlin had nearly died from Scarlett fever. It had probably rattled Arthur awake to the possibility of Merlin dying on him before Arthur himself was good and ready to settle down and enjoy their relationship once more - their life together.
They were both men this time around, but the laws had fortunately changed in recent times. It had provided Merlin with some hope for the future. It had a ring of promise for a future with less discrimination and more acceptance for all – though they had a long way left to go.
Still, they had been married for seven years. A magical number, Merlin thought bitterly. There had been no reason why they had to hide. Merlin had been so happy when Arthur had slid that ring over his finger and claimed them for all to see – proudly and openly. Feeling the weight of his silver wedding band, Merlin contemplated a thousand shared lifetimes and more.
It shouldn’t have left him with this… a sun-streaked naked Arthur cuddling a bare Gwen in their own bed while asleep – in Merlin and Arthur’s bed with Merlin silently watching them. He watched them from the opulent and almost completely concealed set of chairs in their bedchambers. It was Merlin’s place to hide in what should have been their sanctuary. It felt strange but the actual cheating almost hurt less than the ease these two so unwittingly displayed – the tenderness and obvious shared affection. It made him feel ill.
So much for surprising Arthur, boarding a commercial flight a week before the private jet of Penn Airlines would have brought Merlin home.
Merlin thought back on all of the times that his assistants had carefully arranged his schedule without any regard for Merlin’s input or wishes. It now struck him how they had always been reluctant to let Merlin skive off to see Arthur while he was at conferences – at how Arthur had always met him at the airport even when Merlin came home a day early and Arthur shouldn’t have known. Merlin had always secretly been touched every time he’d seen that golden haired man waiting for him – the love of his life – of all his lifetimes.
Now he could only wonder if Arthur was just giving someone – Gwen or assistants or just anyone at all – time to pack up the belongings and hints of the affair so that Merlin wouldn’t put things together – that he wouldn’t catch them at it. He thought back on the earring he had found in the parlor room a while back and how he hadn’t even assumed that Arthur had been cheating.
Uther had claimed it with a hint of a blush that Merlin had thought to be embarrassment on his part. The man remained a private individual – not prone to any kind of outrageous behavior. Merlin hadn’t had the heart to tease the man about his embarrassment. Now he wondered if it might have been embarrassment on Uther’s part for Merlin – not because of him.
Merlin wondered about a lot of things. He couldn’t take anything for granted anymore. He couldn’t trust any version of what he thought to be the truth anymore. He had to wonder about the number of times he had been made a fool off. He wondered about in how many lifetimes he had been cuckolded so blatantly and had just loved Arthur and not had known. And while apparently he had been a bit slow on the uptake these last few centuries, he wasn’t willing to deceive himself now. Not when the evidence was lying so blatantly before him – leaving no room for error on his part. He twisted his wedding band again and silently thought that he shouldn’t feel this hurt yet numb at the same time.
Suddenly, the phone rang as Merlin had expected it eventually would.
His assistants wouldn’t miss him for several hours, and then they would search for several hours more. Merlin had a tendency to seek a few hours of silence and solitude when things got too much during his business travels. When his assistants would finally check his credit card history, they would know. Still, Merlin had calculated that he would have had hours to spare to surprise Arthur in bed before that happened. Well, he certainly had surprised them all at that. When this was all over and done with, Merlin would weed out his assistants and people as well. He couldn’t have such disloyalty surrounding him – not anymore.
Arthur sleepily fumbled for the ringing cell phone, while Gwen mumbled something completely incoherent and slid closer to Merlin’s husband in a very proprietary manner. Merlin tensed slightly at the movement then exhaled silently.
“Penn speaking.” Arthur all but growled. It was a habit that had always made Merlin smile. Now it did nothing for him – nothing but hurt. “This better be good. I informed you I wasn’t to be distracted this week.”
Merlin watched how Arthur blinked and listened to one of his or Merlin’s assistants rambled on. Arthur stilled on the bed and started scanning the room, landing on Merlin sitting in his chair staring back calmly. This had to be what realization and loss looked like, Merlin thought. Arthur slowly snapped the phone shut on the person warning him without any regard at all. It didn’t surprise Merlin, not anymore.
“That wasn’t very nice.” Merlin didn’t recognize his own voice, but it must be his since Arthur flinched at the sound of it. Gwen was a great deal slower on the uptake though and startled violently at Merlin’s voice. She gave a little scream of surprise and scrambled for the cover of the sheets pooled around their naked bodies – Merlin remembered that he bought those sheets in Rome. He knew how nice they felt. He wondered if they would feel as nice against his skin now – after Gwen had shared his marital bed with his husband. He didn’t expect to like the feel of them ever again. He didn’t want to feel anything anymore.
“Merlin…” Arthur’s voice wasn’t quite as recognizable either. Merlin felt glad. He was glad. He shouldn’t be the only not himself anymore here – not when it wasn’t his fault to begin with. Merlin stood and calmly placed his wedding ring on the low table beside the chair. It made a small sound. Merlin thought that must be what the end of something sounded like. He wondered if he would ever be able to forget that sound. Probably not. He locked eyes with his husband.
“Goodbye Arthur.”
Arthur paled and shoved Gwen’s arm off of him as he struggled to be upright, but Merlin didn’t really care for any of the excuses he knew would follow. For the first time in a long time he reached inside of himself – he reached for the magic he hadn’t needed in several lifetimes and just disappeared.
And when he did, when he choose to do so, he could finally admit to himself that he knew the truth. And in light of that he could admit that he felt broken and destroyed. In the wake of truth he was agonizingly and undoubtedly free.
He wondered if everyone who was free had felt as wrecked inside as he did. It was true that in this case ‘freedom was just another word for nothing left to lose’.
Not even himself.
The End.