Archive of Our Own

The taste of alcohol was sour on Kyo’s tongue. The supposedly sugary drink poorly masked the strength of the vodka it contained, but he downed it anyway because that was the point, right?

He usually hated losing control of himself because he didn’t deserve to forget, but tonight was different. Tonight was… Well, tonight.

As the room buzzed around him, Kyo couldn’t remember the reason he’d stomped into the club, he could only remember that he was pissed off and it had been the last place he’d gotten laid in the past few months and he wanted a repeat. His depressing dry spell had elongated to levels that reached tragic, and while Toshiya’s scrawled phone number was burning him through its tucked away place in his oversized wallet, he wanted to forget that, too.

The kindness of the world wasn’t meant for people like him.

Kindness wasn’t meant for Kyo.

Remembering that handsome face and kind, pitying smile, he put down another handful of yen on the bar and drank from the nearest cup so he could drown. Drown out those eyes that crinkled at the edges when he laughed, the ridiculous gait of those overly long limbs that could effortlessly enfold him, the genuine care in the tone of that gentle voice. All of it was too much.

The colored lights finally began to swim around Kyo, bouncing off of the dingy reflective tiles of the bar, and glimmering across half-full glass bottles of colorful liquor.

For a moment, it was almost dazzling.

The loud music turned to a dull roar, but the beat still thumped in his chest, rivaling his own pulse.

A hand slipped into the back pocket of his tight leather pants.

He downed another drink.

At some point, he had been pulled away to dance, but his knees almost knocked together as he got up from his stool, wobbling terribly as he walked when not held up by arms stronger than his.

At some point, the room began to spin and it made him dizzy. He laughed as he tried to screw his head back on straight.

At some point, he couldn’t remember why he was laughing, and it wasn’t all that funny anymore.

He remembered being dragged to the bathroom; the only place that would have such harsh fluorescent lighting into the deep evening. He remembered a mouth against his for the briefest of moments before he fought like hell to get to the nearest porcelain bowl so he could empty his guts into it. He remembered the cold sweat that broke out onto his neck, and his hot face pressed to the cool metal of the stall wall.

It was only after the next minutes of dry-heaving, a process that felt like hours, that he finally came back to himself a bit. Kyo pushed himself up on shaky legs, and wobbled over to the sink to splash his face and rinse out his mouth. Alcohol was twice as sour coming back up.

Looking at himself in the mirror was a Herculean feat he couldn’t attempt. So, he slunk out of the bathroom before heading straight back to the bar. He’d barely pulled himself onto one of the stools when the bartender sent an icy look his way and slid his wallet back over to him.

“Blondie, you’re out of here. I called your ride already.” The man said, crossing his arms over his chest in disapproval.

There was a familiar look in his eyes that Kyo had seen too many times before. He ignored the sinking feeling and instead focused on the words that took a moment of time to process. The pity of a stranger meant nothing to him. Besides, he’d come alone. And he wanted to argue but his tongue felt like cotton in his mouth after the retching. Instead, he grabbed at his wallet, middle finger poised to the bartender to tell him to fuck off as he slid from his seat.

“You can’t kick me out, I’m leaving, asshole.” Kyo spit, half muttering to himself as he looked for the exit, the music a nuisance now as the beat bounced around his noisy ribcage.

He pushed and stumbled his way through the crowd, becoming increasingly frustrated as he did so. His feet felt heavy in his boots, his shirt had come half unbuttoned, and his pants were sticking to his legs uncomfortably with sweat, he just wanted out before he had to scream. Someone stepped into his path and he bumped into their solid chest, covered in a plain white T-shirt that glowed under the blue light, and he felt about to explode.

“Get out of my way,” Kyo said roughly, moving to shove past the taller man.

Before he could properly shoulder check the guy out of the way, he was grabbed by the shoulders by their steady hands, and it startled Kyo out of his stupor. His bleary eyes met with the full force of Toshiya’s puppy-dog gaze, and Kyo immediately blanched.

“What are you doing here?” He asked before he could stop himself, the words spilling out like vomit.

The hurt in Toshiya’s eyes was barely held back, clear as day, but he didn’t yell. He didn’t say anything. He just wrapped a secure arm around Kyo’s slumped shoulders and led him the rest of the way to the exit.

The cool night air was like a slap to the face, and Kyo flinched. Sadly but very surely, his faculties were coming back to him, and he hated it. All the anger and horrible, gnawing guilt came tumbling back into him as if they meant to fill his body like a cavity. He tried to pull away from Toshiya as he realized they were headed toward Toshiya’s car, but he was yanked back into place.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Kyo snapped, eyes blazing as he trained them on Toshiya.

Toshiya had the countenance much like that of a kicked dog, but without the same hope that, despite being kicked, his owner might still love him one day. It made Kyo’s stomach curl, and he wanted to disappear, so he stood a little taller instead.

“Isn’t that supposed to be my line?” Toshiya finally replied, rounding Kyo so he could look at him straight on. “Why the hell was I called to come pick you up at some random club in the middle of the night?”

So the bartender had called Toshiya. Kyo tried to suck in a breath of night air, the sound a hiss as it filled his nose. But he filled his chest too tight and he couldn’t escape that horribly constricting feeling again. He hadn’t meant for this to happen. Kyo’s silence was taken as defiance and Toshiya let out a soft sigh.

That riled Kyo up all over again. He wasn’t some kid who needed Toshiya to come after him to clean up his messes. Especially if the younger man was just going to look down on him after.

“I told you, I can handle myself.” Kyo said, voice cutting.

The hurt in Toshiya’s eyes hardened, “You can’t even handle your alcohol.”

Something in Toshiya’s tone, his admonishment and vitriol, sparked something sordid in Kyo. That quick and thoughtless snap actually turned Kyo on. And the fire already simmering under his skin from his extended dry spell picked up that spark and made it spread like wildfire. It was something Kyo hated himself for, but he already hated himself for how he’d twisted his relationship with Toshiya in the first place.

However, the flash of anger Toshiya had displayed had just as quickly melted back into a look of guilt.

Kyo hated that more.

“What else?” Kyo goaded with a raised brow, the metal of his newest piercing glinting in the streetlight.

“I don’t have time for this.” Toshiya sighed, rubbing the furrow between his brows. “Let me take you home. It’s late.”

“Like hell.” Kyo quickly retorted, taking a step back as Toshiya reached out for him.

Another flash of that same anger flared in Toshiya’s eyes, but he suppressed it. It seemed so easy for him to do.

Kyo wanted to push him further.

“No one forced you to come, you just like playing rescue. Because I’m so pathetic, is that it?”

“You know it’s not.” Toshiya snapped.

“Is it not? Oh, right.” Kyo nodded, stepping forward again just to push a finger to Toshiya’s chest. “It’s because you just want to fuck me, again.”

He knew he was playing with fire, but something about the stricken look on Toshiya’s face made him burn with shame and lust, and he just wanted. He wanted this so badly but he wouldn’t let himself have it. All he could do was burn and pillage and scorch Toshiya’s feelings until the other man felt nothing but contempt for him. It was easier than loving him.

“I’m trying to be nice here.” Toshiya finally said in his exasperation.

He looked totally at a loss, wild and grasping for any sort of handhold he could that would salvage the conversation.

“Nice doesn’t turn me on.” Kyo said flippantly in return.

The change in Toshiya’s demeanor wasn’t so much a snap as it was a shift. Any trace of pity was wiped away, and before Kyo could even blink, Toshiya’s hand had whipped out and grabbed the loosened collar of his shirt to pull him closer.

“Is that what this is about?” He asked.

Kyo’s heart was racing and his breath quickened, the way his bare chest rose and fell betraying his cool demeanor. Toshiya was either about to punch him or leave him and either way he felt he deserved it. He didn’t even have the wherewithal to look around, to even think that anyone would see them. His eyes were solely trained on Toshiya’s icy gaze and that fire burning in his veins. Their lips were so close, it would be so easy to lean in for a kiss. He wanted to break down and beg, but his pride wouldn’t allow it.

Toshiya seemed unable to find any satisfactory answers in Kyo’s silence or his gaze, or maybe it was just that he’d had enough. Or maybe he’d noticed the way Kyo was staring at his lips because his hand moved from Kyo’s shirt to the back of his head and pulled him in for a kiss.

It was everything he’d been missing.

It was torture.

Kyo’s hands, once balled at his sides, moved to the flimsy fabric of Toshiya’s T-shirt and he pushed firmly. Not enough to push the man away entirely, but to get him to back off. Toshiya pulled away just slightly, that familiar furrow creasing his brow.

“This would be easier if you hated me.” Kyo whispered, too afraid to open his eyes lest he see Toshiya’s expression.

There was a moment of pause before a pained, “You know I can’t do that.”

“Then, fuck me like you hate me.” Kyo breathed, his lips finding Toshiya’s again.

Immediately, their kisses became more insistent and Toshiya backed Kyo up until he was pressed against the cold metal door of the car. Kyo wrapped his arms around Toshiya’s neck, hands running through the cropped hair at the back of his head. He knew he had to taste like shit, but their kisses quickly became more teeth than tongue, Toshiya nipping and sucking at Kyo’s bottom lip before moving to his neck.

It wasn’t sweet, it wasn’t kind. It was exactly what Kyo had been hoping for. He could feel every scrape of teeth against the tender flesh of his neck, and he sucked in a breath as he could only imagine Toshiya ripping out his throat.

“Fuck,” he rasped as his hands migrated over Toshiya’s body, quickly finding his half-hard dick through his silky pajama pants.

Toshiya didn’t reply, there was no need to. There was no questioning that Kyo could easily get him hard at this point. Instead, he pulled Kyo away from the car with an arm around the small of his back before wrenching the rusty back door open. Then, he crowded Kyo in until he had no choice but to sit down on the edge of the tan leather seats. His balance was so off that he didn’t even need a push.

Looking up at Toshiya from the position, Kyo’s mouth began to water and Toshiya’s eyes were dark. They held that dangerous quality that Kyo dreamed of; pushed past the point of sanity or questioning whether what they were doing was right or wrong. It was a look that was going to push Kyo to the brink of his limits, as well.

Well, Kyo certainly didn’t mind. He already felt stupid with greed, and his hands immediately went to Toshiya’s bony hips, fingers toying with the waistband of his pants.

“You really don’t want me to play nice.” Toshiya reiterated more than asked.

“You want to make me beg for it.” Kyo said off-handedly, nuzzling the bulge in Toshiya’s pants.

Toshiya threw his head back for a moment, his hands gripping the metal frame of the car in an attempt to ground himself. Kyo knew how to play dangerous, too. Whatever it would take to push Toshiya into fucking him as soon as possible.

His body couldn’t accept it if it was gentle.

One of Toshiya’s large hands ran through Kyo’s hair, pushing the bleach-ruined streaks away from his reddened cheeks. Kyo’s heart fluttered at the gesture, especially when that same hand pressed his face back into Toshiya’s crotch. He opened his mouth obediently, hot breath soaking into the flimsy fabric in front of him. It earned him a soft hiss from Toshiya, who was still looking down at him intently.

It was clear Toshiya was still clinging onto one thread of decency, one small bit of hesitation that they were really doing this. They were pretty starkly in public, though the night shrouded them and the small car park was empty. That didn’t really bother Kyo. He was still drunk enough that his sense for propriety was dulled, but his love for danger was amped high. His fingers finally dug under the tied waistband and he easily freed Toshiya’s dick from the confines of his pajamas.

Even that slight hesitation seemed to leave Toshiya as soon as Kyo wrapped his lips around his dick, and his hips pressed forward insistently. Kyo accommodated easily, and took it a step further by running his delicate hands over Toshiya’s clothed ass and squeezing to spur him on. A deep, satisfied rumble came from Toshiya’s chest as he held back any obvious noises of pleasure from leaving his mouth.

“You’re fucking insane,” Toshiya breathed in a sort of twisted admiration.

Kyo swallowed around him, taking it as praise, which earned him another satisfied groan. His own dick was hard and tightly constrained in the confines of his leather pants, but that just added to the excitement. He knew he could be called selfish in a lot of areas of his life, but he always gave his all when it came to sex. Even if it was just a quick fuck. Being used like this just gave him a feeling of purpose that was strange and felt contradictory, but he didn’t feel like teasing it apart when he had a dick down his throat. That was, quite literally, more pressing.

If his eyes weren’t watering with the effort, Kyo wanted so badly to see that blazing look in Toshiya’s eyes. All he could do was imagine it as Toshiya slowly rocked his hips and Kyo let him.

It was when Toshiya finally grit out, “I’m close,” between clenched teeth that Kyo came out of the soft trance he’d lulled himself into with each rhythmic thrust. He gripped at the backs of Toshiya’s thighs, despite the man trying to back away. 

“Kyo…” Toshiya moaned, his name sounding sinful as it fell from the man’s lips, but it tapered into a frustrated grunt as he attempted to peel Kyo away from him once more.

Kyo was more than content trying to swallow all of Toshiya down, he wanted it more than anything at that moment. But then one of those strong hands was gripping at his hair to push him back roughly. He came away panting and flustered just in time for Toshiya’s hot release hit the flushed skin of his cheek and chest.

Immediately, Toshiya’s large hands cradled his jaw, guiding Kyo to twist his head slightly from side to side as Toshiya looked over his handiwork. Kyo watched, uncaring of the mess on his face because Toshiya was watching him with a possessive look that told Kyo all he wanted to know. After a moment of basking, each of them staring at each other in appraisal, Toshiya’s thumb swiped the trail of tears and cum from the apple of Kyo’s cheek as gently as if he were removing a stray eyelash.

Before Kyo could really wonder what he’d do next, that same thumb was swiping over his reddened bottom lip, and he obediently opened his mouth to trail his tongue after. The awful tang of salt covered his tastebuds, and when Toshiya’s thumb retreated, he swallowed whatever trace of the mix was left there.

“You didn’t let me swallow you, but you still had to give me a taste of what I was missing?” Kyo said halfway incredulous.

“You still looked like you wanted it.” Toshiya replied.

Unabashed, Toshiya pulled at Kyo’s undone collar and wiped away the rest of the cum from his cheek and chest, and honestly Kyo was still so turned on he found it hot. To be taken care of, to be used up like a tissue; it was all the same.

Feeling Toshiya’s body so close to his, those hands so close to brushing his heated skin; Kyo felt like he was losing his mind with want. Toshiya seemed indifferent enough that he simply tucked himself back into his pajama pants as Kyo took in every small movement of the veins on the back of his hands.

“Toshiya.” Kyo wanted it to sound like a warning but it came out as a whine, lazily drawing Toshiya’s attention back to his needy gaze.

Instead of saying anything, Toshiya leaned in, hands on the edge of the seat on either side of Kyo, and brought their faces close together once more. Just a hair's breadth apart without actually touching. It was enough to have Kyo squirming in his seat.

“If you don’t beg, you have to at least ask nicely for what you want.” Toshiya murmured, bypassing Kyo’s lips only to press a featherlight kiss to the opposite, round cheek.

Kyo’s heart felt like it leapt into his throat and he was having a hard time swallowing around it. Every fiber of his being wanted to obey the man before him, to grovel and plead. Anything to quench the insatiable hunger that was growing inside of him, a black hole of want that he feared would never be satisfied by anyone else.

Finally, he swallowed his pride and leaned in to tenderly kiss Toshiya’s bowed lips, “Touch me.”

His voice was soft, low, fiery, acquiescing. This was as far as he could go, and Toshiya seemed to understand. Without another word, Kyo moved over so Toshiya could enter the car, and the slamming of the door behind him left them in a strange sort of silence. Their bodies were so close, and immediately Kyo felt the atmosphere go sultry. He wanted to be as close to Toshiya as possible, he wanted to be all over him.

Kyo hooked a leg over Toshiya’s lap to straddle him and melted as they fell into a familiar embrace when those long arms wrapped around his waist without a second thought. Maybe it was just that Toshiya was feeling sappy in the afterglow of his orgasm, but Kyo was still hard in his pants and couldn’t indulge in whatever sentimentality Toshiya had slipped into. His brain was screaming at him to get out or get off.

Hands scrambling for his discarded wallet, Kyo unzipped the bulky thing and pulled out a condom that he quickly pressed to Toshiya’s chest, “I know what I said earlier, and I know what you just said now. So, take this as me begging. Fuck me.”

Before Toshiya could protest, Kyo’s lips were back on his, insistent and wanting. Much to his relief, Toshiya kissed him back, hand covering Kyo’s as he pulled the condom from his grip. It was a relief that he would finally be satisfied after so many long months of tormenting himself. As soon as the condom left his hand, Kyo’s hands went to the front of his pants, roughly pulling the line of buttons from their holes, no zipper involved. He hadn’t dared touch himself throughout their encounter, the build up made the release that much more satisfying.

In turn, Toshiya’s other hand slid from around his waist and ran over Kyo’s body until he passed the loosened waistband of his pants and under the thin layer of his underwear to palm his bare ass. Kyo shivered, pressing his body more firmly against Toshiya’s as they kissed; Toshiya’s lazy pace clashing with Kyo’s fevered energy. When it became too frustrating, Kyo moved to lick a stripe up Toshiya’s neck before nipping at his sharp jaw. Toshiya’s grip on Kyo tightened to an almost bruising degree, and Kyo groaned into Toshiya’s ear loudly.

“Are you prepped?” Toshiya asked, continuing to palm Kyo’s ass roughly.

Kyo grit his teeth in embarrassment and buried his face in Toshiya’s shoulder before shaking his head because he wasn’t.

“Do you have lube?” Toshiya asked, then.

He shook his head again before mumbling, “Condom’s lubricated.”

“Will you be okay with just my fingers?” Toshiya asked, a bit hesitant before continuing, “I don’t know if I can get hard again, but I want to get you off.”

"It's fine, I just don't want to think anymore." Kyo said whimpered into Toshiya's shoulder.

Of course, nothing could be that simple, and he could feel Toshiya's hesitation. He could feel that reticence, and he just wanted. Wrapping his arms around Toshiya's waist as best he could, Kyo clung onto the other man tightly as if he were a lifeline. All the anger and bravado had seeped from him, and he was just a pathetic, drunk, horny mess.

Instead of asking anymore questions, Toshiya seemed to get the hint, and Kyo could hear the condom wrapper tear open in the silent car. He let out a shaky breath of relief and arched his back as Toshiya's fingers, now covered in lube from the packet, immediately went to his hole. He still felt confined and overstimulated by his leather pants, but there was no way he was going to let go, let alone try to shuffle out of the sweat-sticky leather clinging to his legs.

One finger pressed inside slowly, and Kyo bit down on his lip as he continued hiding his face. Blocking his own sight, he could focus on the sensations he'd missed the last time they did this together. Toshiya's fingers inside of him felt so different from his own.

Another finger pressed in soon after, and Kyo let out a soft, keening moan as his body took Toshiya in and easily adjusted to the stretch. It was so much but not enough, and he asked for another as his knuckles went white in the T-shirt covering Toshiya's back.

"Not yet," came Toshiya's terse reply.

Kyo let out a shaky breath, feeling properly scolded, and he could feel his ears turning red. Being in such a position was embarrassing. Needing to rely on another person was embarrassing. However, it didn't deter him from rocking his restless hips experimentally.

Instead of letting Kyo do as he pleased, Toshiya grabbed his hip with his free hand to steady him before fucking his fingers in and out. There was no experimenting there, Toshiya seemed absolutely sure in his movements, and Kyo had no reason to question him because it felt so good. In just a few sharp thrusts, any final shreds of Kyo's resolve crumbled as Toshiya's fingers pressed into his prostate firmly.

It was better than Kyo remembered, the pleasure that washed over him and numbed his body for only a moment before he was clamoring for more. His voice didn't sound real in his own ears, moans whiny and breathy as he was unable to take in proper air. His chest grew even tighter as he gasped for air when Toshiya finally started to press a third finger inside of him.

"You're so tight," Toshiya breathed, easier than Kyo was able to.

"Feels good…"

That was all Kyo could manage before letting out another moan, the burn of the stretch feeling just right. However, Toshiya slowed down, just to be more careful as the lube was wearing thin.

The insatiable monster inside of Kyo hadn't had enough, and the frustration he felt was building in his veins. His dick was leaking in his underwear and the rough drag of fabric felt so tight that it almost hurt. It hurt, but not enough. Without realizing it, he was shaking, the tension was so strenuous.

"It's okay, you're doing well," Toshiya said gently, voice cutting through all the noise building up in Kyo's head.

Kyo felt as though he might cry, right on the edge of tears, and he shook his head again, "I just wanna cum."

It sounded petulant coming from his mouth, but he couldn't help it. Somehow, Toshiya knew just what to say to keep him sane when he felt absolutely on edge. Yet, this was the man who had so easily pushed him to the edge of sanity just before. The pull the man had on him just wasn't fair.

The hand on his hip quickly went to his dick, pulling him from the messy confines of his underwear, and stroking him firmly. After so long without stimulation there, it was a shock, and Kyo's hips bucked forward inadvertently. It was so much at once, especially as Toshiya decided to continue teasing his prostate, and Kyo couldn't even let out a warning before he was releasing onto Toshiya's hand and the bottom of his white T-shirt.

A wave of pleasure washed over him, but Kyo barely felt like he could enjoy it as tears slipped from his eyes unbidden, and he tried to pull in deep breaths. His body felt like it weighed a ton, and he could only slump into Toshiya's hold. Carefully, Toshiya pulled his fingers out of Kyo, and he did his best to hug Kyo without getting any more remnants of lube or cum onto him.

"Fuck," Kyo cursed, mostly at himself and his shaking body as he tried to pull himself together.

He unwrapped himself from around Toshiya so he could give his eyes a perfunctory swipe to get at the tears. Clearly, he was avoiding eye contact as he fixed himself up; putting himself back in his pants and redoing the buttons with clumsy fingers. When he tried sliding off of Toshiya's lap, the man stopped him by tightening his arms around him.

"I'm fine, okay?" He said firmly, forcing his red-rimmed eyes to look back at Toshiya.

"I'm sorry." Toshiya said, unbidden.

Kyo immediately stilled in his seat, wishing he'd been slapped rather than have to hear those words from Toshiya's lips.

"What the hell do you think you did this time?" Kyo replied in disbelief, edging on disgust.

Toshiya looked away, as though the guilt was eating him alive. And Kyo hated it. The feeling of wanting to run was building back up in his gut, but his legs were too far gone for him to even get up.

"You know I care about you way too much to keep doing this."

A bitter smile spread across Kyo's lips, "Are you… breaking up with me?"

"We're not—"

"I know we're not together," Kyo replied, an awful mix of anger and guilt swirling in his chest as he tried not to vomit again.

"I'm just trying to protect us both here, we can't keep doing this." Toshiya lamented, frustratedly wiping his hands on his already ruined T-shirt before holding Kyo's shoulders between his wide palms again.

"Don't break up with me." Kyo replied, voice small.

He felt small.

"Please don't."

Kyo could feel Toshiya's fingers twitching as they held onto him. His mouth was pressed into a fine line as he thought silently. That horrible silence felt like it stretched on for hours as time warped around them, and Kyo was terrified to turn and look at the digital clock on the dashboard.

"What are you saying?" Toshiya finally asked, bringing his pleading eyes back to Kyo's.

It was as if he didn't dare to be hopeful.

And while Kyo wanted to give him the world, he knew he couldn't because he was one broken man who could barely give over a whole version of himself. But letting himself give Toshiya up after all this just felt like a fate much crueler than death.

"I'm saying… I want to try." Kyo said, though the words were hard to spit out, "I want to be with you. Only you. I want to try."

While he didn't feel like he was offering much, and that it should have been easy for Toshiya to turn him down, the other man never stopped looking at him with a tenderness that he could only attempt to reciprocate. At him in his imperfection. His glinting piercings and reddened face and cum stained clothes and tousled blonde hair. And Toshiya in his perfection with his dark hair and tan skin, turned just as red faced and cum stained all because of Kyo. They appraised each other quietly in the dim light of the nearest streetlamp, as a new feeling of hope began to bud in Kyo's chest.

Finally, Toshiya leaned in for a soft kiss that took all the worry in Kyo's mind away, and he said, "Let's go home."