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Oikawa Tooru is a liar.
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“What did you take for lunch today, sweetie?”
“Oh, just the leftovers from dinner last night.”
He didn’t take anything besides an apple, which he pretended to eat while he distracted Iwaizumi with the latest gossip about a kid in their English class.
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“Why do you take so long to get ready? Why don't you just set clothes out the night before like a normal person?”
“But Iwa-chan! I have to take all kinds of different variables into account when deciding on an outfit! I can’t just decide the night before! What if I change my mind or something happens?”
Another lie. Oikawa can’t pick out a set of clothes the night before because he doesn’t know how he’ll feel about his body in the morning. Why waste all of his energy on something that might not even work out?
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“Why does it take forty minutes for you to do your goddamn hair every morning, Shittykawa? It's ridiculous.”
“You can’t rush art, Iwa-chan! Not like you’d know with that gorilla face of you- ow! Don’t hit me for telling the truth! Mean! Mean Iwa-chan!”
Correction, it only takes him thirty minutes to do his hair. The other ten is spent on the scale in the bathroom closet as he tries to get an exact measurement of how much weight he still needs to lose. He’s aware that it's a lot, but it never hurts to check and double check. And it's not like he ever corrected his friend, as it would be safer to let Iwaizumi continue to think otherwise.
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“Hey, your eyes are really red and puffy this morning. Have you been crying, Oikawa?”
“Me? The great Oikawa-san crying? Don’t be ridiculous, Iwa-chan! My contacts are irritating my eyes this morning is all.”
Oikawa did cry this morning, actually. He thought he was finally starting to appear thinner but when he went to change into his clothes for school, the shirt he had picked out made his stomach appear bloated and ugly. All his hard work this month felt like it was amounting to nothing.
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“Baggy pants with a loose sweater? Weren’t you the one who told me to keep the ratio of tight and loose fitting clothing somewhat equal?”
“It’s called fashion, Iwa-chan, and fashion is a way to express yourself however you please. It's a relative topic. I don’t expect you of all people to actually understand~”
Oikawa wondered if he would always be able to hide all of his body’s imperfections underneath his baggy clothing.
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“You seemed kind of off during practice this morning. Is everything okay? You’re eating healthy foods right? I’ll kick your ass if I find out that you’re only eating milk bread for breakfast again.”
“Ahh, you can’t just kick me 24/7 Iwa-chan! I’m worried about a test in my science class this afternoon. I’m just worried that I didn’t study enough.”
Ah, what a surprise, another lie. Oikawa was finding that it was really hard to keep up with his teammates with nothing in his body to give him energy. Oh well, at least he burned a lot of calories trying, right?
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“Oikawa. Hey, Oikawa! Are you listening to me? That's the third time this morning that you’ve started dozing off. Are you getting enough sleep at night? I’ll kick your ass if you’re staying up all night to watch other team’s volleyball matches again!”
“All right fine! You got me. I promise I won’t do it again Iwa- hey! That hurt Iwa-chaaaaan!”
Oikawa hadn’t meant to stay up for the better part of the night, but it's hard to fall asleep when your stomach is growling like a starved, caged tiger and you can’t get into a comfortable position due to your protruding hip bones digging into the mattress.
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“You’ve been looking really pale and skinny lately… Is everything okay? You know you can talk to me right, Tooru?”
“Of course everything is okay, Hajime ! I’ve just been feeling a little under the weather lately is all. Nothing major.”
Oikawa hated lying to Hajime, but what could he do? He wasn’t sure if his best friend would stick around if he knew the thoughts that raced through Oikawa’s head, the actions and decisions that had lead him to where he was now. Would Hajime still look him in the eyes if he knew what he was doing? If he knew what Oikawa had done to himself, would Hajime think that he was weak? Would he think that Oikawa was ugly inside and out? The two of them were finally starting to cross a line and figure out what ‘they’ were and Oikawa didn’t want to ruin it. He didn’t know what he would do without Hajime in his life.
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Liar liar pants on fire,
Oikawa wished that the harsh whispers that resounded in his ears and kept him up at night would just be quiet for once.
You’re not worthy enough for him,
He pities you,
He only hangs around you so that you don’t feel completely useless,
He probably hates you more than you hate yourself,
Go ahead,
Tell another lie and tell yourself that it's not true
Oikawa wished his mind could be completely quiet for once, even if it was just for a small amount of time.
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“Are you avoiding me, Tooru?”
“Whaaat? Of course not, Iwa-chan! I’ve just been super busy with all the tests we have coming up.”
“Yeah, whatever. I’m coming over to your house for dinner, by the way.”
Oikawa tried to pretend that he didn’t see the way that Hajime was watching out of the corner of his eye during dinner that evening. He pushed his food around on his plate absentmindedly, occasionally bringing a small amount of food up to his lips. It made him want to spit it out of his mouth and run upstairs to the scale to make sure that he hadn’t gained any weight from eating what little he had this evening, but he forced himself to relax and act as normal as possible to keep Hajime from getting even more suspicious. He didn’t want to burden Hajime with his stupid, invalid feelings and problems.
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“I love you, Torru.”
“I love you too, Hajime.”
How could anyone love someone like Oikawa Tooru? Was Hajime a liar too?
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He’s just tolerating you until he can finally get rid of you for good,
Do you really think he’s going to stick around after graduation in a few months?
You already know that you’re both going to different colleges,
You might as well stop lying to yourself and just accept your reality.
It was true that he and Hajime were going to different colleges, but they had been talking about renting an apartment that was close to both of their colleges… Hajime wouldn’t go that far if he didn’t actually care about Oikawa, right?
Should he wait to find out just how much love and patience Hajime has for him? Would he be able to survive without Hajime when his boyfriend decided that he was finished with Oikawa?
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“Do you want to come over this afternoon and look at some more apartment listings? I picked up some packages of milk bread that you can snack on…”
“Ah, sorry Iwa-chan but I’ve already got plans. Maybe tomorrow?”
Would distance make their separation easier? Should he really continue to be selfish and burden Hajime down with all of his problems?
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“You need to eat something, Tooru. I know for a fact that you haven’t had anything to eat today besides a granola bar. It's unhealthy.”
“What are you talking about, Iwa-chan? I think you’re just imagin-”
“Shut up, Skittykawa! Do you really think that I haven’t noticed anything that's been going on? You’ve lost so much weight, you can barely keep your eyes open during class, and you’re barely keeping up with the rest of the volleyball team! You’re hurting yourself, Tooru. I can’t let you just waste away right in front of my eyes…”
Oikawa wanted to confide in Hajime. He wanted to let his boyfriend wrap his strong, beautiful arms around him and shield him away from everything that was hurting him.
Oikawa just didn’t think that Hajime could shield him from himself.
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“Why won’t you talk to me? I know you’re hurting and I want to help you! I just… I just don’t know what to do, Tooru.”
Oikawa didn’t mean to make Hajime feel as miserable as he. He didn’t want to burden Hajime with his problems, emotions, and inability to take proper care of himself.
Oikawa didn’t want any of this.
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“Tooru? You in he- oh shit! Is that blood on your arms? Let me see your arms Tooru. Please don’t shut me out like this. Please let me see your arms, Tooru. I need to take care of you now.”
Oikawa didn’t want to feel anymore pain.
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“Please Tooru, talk to me! I can’t help you if I don’t understand what's going on inside your head!”
Oikawa didn't want to burden Hajime any longer.
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“You’re amazing, ok? You may not believe it, you might not love yourself, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t love you and appreciate all the wonderful things about you. I love you, Tooru. That won’t ever change. I promise.”
Oikawa didn’t want to feel anything again.
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Oikawa could feel his phone buzzing in his pocket, Iwa-chan most likely, and he lowered his head to look down at the ground far below him. His thin, bony legs trembled as he stared, his pale skin aglow in the evening sunlight, and he closed his eyes for a moment.
“I’m sorry, Iwa-chan.”
Oikawa opened his eyes when he remembered the words that he had whispered to Hajime, his rock, his lover, and his best friend, before he had slipped out of their bed, out from under his embrace, and slipped on his shoes before leaving their apartment.
“I’m trying to be strong, Hajime. It's just… It's just really hard sometimes…”
Oikawa took a deep breath as he inched his way forward even closer to the edge.
“I’m just so tired.”
Tired, hungry, and numb.
“None of this is your fault, Hajime. It’s not your fault that I’m like this.”
Oikawa felt a small surge of pride, so faint he could barely register it, at the fact that he had not told a lie by blaming his problems on someone else.
“I’m sorry, Iwa-chan.”
It was time for Oikawa to step forward and take full responsibility for his actions, emotions, and incompetence. One fragment of a late night conversation replayed over and over in his head as he stepped forward--
“I love all of you, Tooru.”
Oikawa stepped forward and he fell down,
d o w n,
d o w n,
d o w n,
d o w n.
“I love you too, Iwa-chan!”