Chapter Text
There was a misconception that all packs needed an alpha. Stray Kids was different. They broke the mold. It was something they wore proudly, like a badge of honor.
Until Jeongin ruined it.
And no matter what his members said, he did, indeed, ruin it.
The fires of hell should have risen up the moment he tried to present as an alpha, but his fear, his selfish longing, prevented him from allowing himself a healthy presentation. He tried, for years, to hide himself. But he let everything fall apart. He should have had more control over his own body and emotions, but he fell from grace like an angel plummeting from the heavens.
He wasn’t an angel though. He was a spawn of evil, a vile demon, a devil, sent as a plague upon the pack that he loved.
“Innie.” Han waved him over as they prepared for an interview. They had plenty of interviews in the last few weeks, between his company releasing a statement that he had presented late as an alpha and their newest album, Karma, and its impending release date, there was too much to do.
He nodded over to his hyung, barely bringing his attention away from his phone. He already knew what Jisung wanted from him.
“Omega Alpha bonding time” he called it. But it was just another excuse to try to cuddle. Something that Jeongin had stated he was firmly against, especially now that his secret was out. His omegas didn’t think he was a danger, they did everything in their power to prove that he could trust them- but it wasn’t them he was worried about. They should worry about him. His lack of control.
“Innie, come here.” Jisung whined again, rolling over on the small couch, onto his side so he could try to get Jeongin with his big boba eyes. It usually worked. Even before he was an alpha, there was a certain charm, an allure that Jeongin felt when it came to Han Jisung. Everyone felt it. They had to. It was different than the aura that Felix held, affectionately dubbed the Felix Effect.
Which made Jisung more dangerous. Or really Jeongin was a danger to Jisung. His hyung was precious, soft and giving with his emotions, so ready to love everyone. And he used every ounce of that love in his works. When he was sad, he wrote, when he was happy, he wrote. He sang his feelings away. People went to Jisung’s solo songs when they needed to feel seen. Or at least Jeongin did. The same way he went to Changbin when he wanted to feel heard. Changbin was the loudest. He rapped the loudest, the felt his feelings the loudest. To listen to Changbin was to be heard in the same way that listening to Jisung was like being seen.
“Busy hyung.” He mumbled, throwing himself back into the mobile game he was playing. He wasn’t really busy. Minho was the one who was busy. He was getting his makeup done. Felix was getting changed.
“No you aren’t. You’re just denying a poor omega their pack alpha.” He teased as if it was nothing. As if Jeongin being an alpha was nothing. It wasn’t nothing. It was wrong.
It didn’t matter how many people told him- and the number of people was growing by the day- that it was okay that he was an alpha, it wasn’t. It didn’t feel right. It felt like he couldn’t do the things he wanted to anymore. It felt like he was trapped in something that was supposed to define him, but it didn’t.
Everything felt off.
He missed his peaceful lake. The endless ocean he could go to, found solitude in, when he was overwhelmed. Now everything was too much and there was no escape. He had nothing left, which is exactly what he deserved.
And maybe he would feel better if he shared with his therapist how he was actually feeling. But once again, he was selfish, so he wouldn't. He couldn't talk about the way help felt. The little things he did to hurt himself, like tearing apart his nest because he didn't deserve that kind of safe place, that comfort.
And since death wasn’t an option, running away was a no go, he had to punish himself in other ways. His pack wasn’t big on punishments. Other than Chan who could punish himself all he wanted apparently.
It was Chan, after all, who took the brunt of the company’s anger. He took all of the yelling, the threats, the hatred that Jeongin knew would come. He took everything, locked himself away in his studio for days, then appeared, drenched in sweat, with a new song and album concept.
“Innie, you aren’t busy.” Jisung sighed, moving, wriggling until he was rolling off the couch, pulling himself to his feet, hands brushing the floor as he forced himself up so he could approach the chair that Jeongin had claimed to himself. He slammed his arms on either side of the chair, hands connecting with the hard plastic of the uncomfortable chair. He effectively trapped Jeongin against his seat, unwilling to let him out without what seemed to be some sort of physical contact. “You’re doing that thing again.”
“What thing?” He glanced over the top of his phone, nonchalantly, trying to pretend that it didn’t bother him that someone was in his space. It did. Jisung knew that it did.
“You’re closing yourself off.” Jisung stared straight into his soul. His eyes were warm, brown, loving. “Just let me give you love.”
He was tempted. To be loved by Jisung, to be loved by any member of his pack was all he dreamed about for a long time. It was something that felt so far from reach though. How could he be worthy of their love when he had been the one to push them away for so long?
“I’m not.” He huffed. “You’re just projecting.”
“I’m trying to.” Jisung grinned. “But it’s hard to project cuddle time on my anti-touch baby.”
Jeongin couldn’t bite back the smile. “I’m not a baby anymore.”
“Right, right.” Jisung leaned in, placing a delicate kiss on his cheek. “You’re a big strong alpha now.”
Jeongin felt himself grow rigid, pulling back, as far away as he could escape into the confines of his plastic prison. He hated it. He didn’t want his pack, his boyfriends to think of him as an alpha. He barely was one. His last rut had happened during their Dominate tour, so he was able to suppress it again, even if his secret had come out. But next time, oh god there would be a next time, he wouldn’t be able to hide away. He would have to actually mature into a real alpha. A real threat to everything he held dear.
“Ji.” Chan called somewhere far away. Everything felt far away. “Need you for makeup.”
“Comimg.” He yelled back with a hiss. It was like the omega wanted to stay with him, which he shouldn’t. None of them should want him. “I’ll be back, baby bread.”
He lifted his arms, uncaging Jeongin, pushing himself away with a huff.
It wasn’t until he was far away, calling after the makeup noonas that Jeongin let out a sigh of relief. It was going to be a long day. One filled with interactions that he couldn’t escape.
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His room was a mess. He hadn’t been allowed in there to clean, or really do anything other than get clothing for himself, and even then he had someone hovering over his shoulder the entire time. His company had hid a lot of facts about him presenting as an Alpha. One of the greatest ones was of him trying to jump out of his hotel window. And sure his doctor was furious that it had gotten that bad, and his coach, as he started calling him- because he wasn’t allowed to call him a therapist anymore according to Minho, who almost killed him upon meeting the man- hadn’t been thrilled either. Each of them had only gotten half stories from Jeongin; just enough to keep everyone from worrying about his downwards spiral. But when he had made the stupid mistake of being around his pack when he tried to save them from having an alpha, everything came to light.
He should have considered himself lucky that his hold waited until after his concert, there wasn’t much that Lee nim could do while he was back in Korea and Jeongin was out gallivanting around Canada and the UK. But the second they returned to Korea it was straight to the hospital for his hold. The company pretended like it was a break for them but for him it wasn’t.
And even after his return from his psych hold none of his members left him alone for even a second. Getting dressed was monitored closely, usually by Minho, sometimes by Changbin when the older omega was busy. Even bathroom time was supervised, not in the sense that someone was standing over him, watching him, but the door wasn’t allowed to be closed anymore and someone was always on the other side of the wall, waiting for him to come out. They tried to give him his privacy but also stayed close enough- whether it was out of a feeling of responsibility or something else Jeongin didn’t know.
“Innie.” Changbin called, leaning against the doorway before Jeongin could even lay eyes on his phone charger. “We going to movie night? I think Felix wants to watch Frozen again.”
“He just likes to sing along.” Jeongin chuckled.
The part of him that felt normal, that could ignore everything that happened, that was human- something more than just an alpha- could still laugh at his own horrible jokes. His new therapist told him that it was okay to use humor as a coping mechanism, not that he needed to cope with anything. He was fine. It was his pack he was worried about.
The endless trust that they had in him was, honestly, terrifying. How could they trust him again, so easily, when he couldn’t even trust himself?
What was stopping him from shoving Changbin down? Ripping through the soft flesh of his neck with his teeth, claws, the small but sharp metal file he kept stashed in the pocket of his jeans? Changbin’s muscles could only do so much to warn away a predator like him. The only thing actually stopping him was his own, thinning, restraint. And he wouldn’t last forever. His willpower alone was what had gotten him this far.
“I mean, if you want to nap, I’m down to skip movie night and stay here with you.”
“You shouldn’t have to skip out on omega bonding time just because of me.” He said reaching for the cord. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to grab it and take it with him, because he would end up having to leave his room, or if he wanted to just leave his phone plugged in. If he left his phone he would have an excuse to leave and maybe be alone for even a second.
“It’s pack bonding time. You are part of the pack.” Changbin said slowly, softly, as if he were some fragile thing that needed to be protected. “No matter what that voice in your head tells you, you will always be part of our pack.”
He turned around to face his hyung, hand half way to plugging in his phone. Changbin had always been his anchor. He asked questions that others didn’t. Made sure that he could touch and always asked permission, making Jeongin feel like he had some sense of control over the situation. If anyone understood him, it would be Changbin.
“I know that.”
“Do you?”
“Of course.” He forced out between gritted teeth. It felt like a lie. He didn’t feel like he was part of the pack anymore. He felt like an outsider.
“Okay, so it’s not omega bonding time anymore. It’s pack bonding time. Because you are in our pack, just like you always have been.” Changbin stepped closer.
Jeongin withheld the flinch. All of them had spent over a month trying to convince him, desperately pleading with him to understand that they still cared for him.
“Can I?” Changbin asked, because he always asked, raising his hand.
“Yeah.” Jeongin whispered, leaning into the touch, he loved the way his hyung cupped his cheek, as if he was some precious gem. As if he still meant something.
“Jeongin, I love you. I always have, I always will. No matter how you presented. No matter what you do, I will always love you.”
And fuck, did Jeongin want to believe him. He wanted so badly to believe he was good enough for the love that Changbin wanted to give him, but he really wasn’t. He was a liar, a deceiver, horrible, a monster. How could his hyung love something so vile?
Changbin deserved better. They all did.
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Self love didn’t come easily. It was something most of his hyungs knew.
But Felix probably knew it a little too well. In a way that scared Jeongin. In a way that he felt connected to his freckled hyung. It wasn’t something they talked about often. No, the blonde preferred smiling off any worry or strange looks sent his way. Maybe that’s where Jeongin had learned it. He had learned little things from all of his older packmates. Some good habits, some bad.
But one of the worst he had learned was from Felix. His ability to redirect worry so it wasn’t focused on him, so that he wasn’t center stage to the lectures and the over possessiveness that was the full pack scrambling to correct things that were wrong, that was something he had learned from one of happiest, sweetest, brightest, sunshine hyungs.
It was strange to him at first that the two dubbed as twin suns, who shone so brightly, were able to have the darkest sides to them.
Jeongin hadn’t even known the first time that Felix struggled because he always smiled through it. And Jeongin had learned, later, how to do the same thing. It was really easy to do when he realized exactly how Felix did it.
“Hyung, weren’t you going to eat lunch?” Jeongin asked, after practice ended, as everyone went to grab their bags. The end of year schedule was going to be busier than ever. They had appearances on shows to make, another album to practice choreography for, and so many events happening, with almost everyone having brand deals.
Felix blinked back at those words, straightening. He looked like a cornered kitten. It was strange to use this against Felix, the very thing he had learned from him. In fact, he knew the second he saw the betrayal in his eyes, that Felix knew what he was trying to do. Felix was the one who was supposed to watch him that afternoon because everyone else had a schedule.
“Felix?” Minho said, his voice stern as he dropped his bag, folding his arms over his chest.
“Innie?” He blinked back at him. “What do you mean? Hyung, Innie and I had lunch together.”
They did, in the sense that overly sweetened coffee and a simple pastry was considered eating, but Jeongin knew that wasn’t what their hyungs considered to be real food. And the way that Felix’s face flushed red showed that he knew that their little coffee run wasn’t real food either.
Minho squinted at them both, turning just slightly to take a protein bar from his bag. He always kept extras in there for times when the members didn’t feel hungry in the morning but were ravenous after practice, or for when they simply didn’t have time to eat. He tossed it at Felix, not caring that the blonde wasn’t ready, and it hit him square in the nose.
“Eat it before I leave.” Minho said, the frown on his face but also in his voice. Something told Jeongin that his sweet vanilla scent had soured, if Felix’s reaction was anything to go by.
Jeongin struggled. Once his suppressants stopped working he was able to smell everyone, almost too powerfully, their feelings interrupted his own. He could smell them so strongly he felt overwhelmed all of the time. But it died down the night he lost his vast ocean. There was still a tingle, like a faint, hinted whisper of their smells that surrounded him. But it was a ghost how he had felt. He felt more scent blind than when he had originally claimed he was.
“Innie, what the fuck?” Felix hissed at him, peeling the shiny wrapper away, the crinkling sound drowning out his voice for those not close enough to touch them.
He shrugged, throwing his favorite hyung a smirk. It was probably one of the more playful things he had done since being found out. “If I need a babysitter twenty-four seven then I’m going to start snitching on all of you.”
“Come on, I’m not even that bad. I figured since we have the rest of the day off we could cuddle in my nest and watch a movie, or play a game.”
His hyung didn’t have time for any of that. He knew that. They all knew that. There was so much for him to do. He had recently secured another brand deal that he had to work out promotions for. He didn’t have time to be watching their youngest because of something stupid, that he couldn’t promise wouldn’t happen again when he was left alone.
“What are you two whispering about?” Minho whipped back around, a scary look on his face.
“Nothing.” It was said in such harmony that Jeongin would have joked about it being the inspiration for a new song if not for the fact that he didn’t want to be on his hyung’s bad side. He was still hoping that Minho would change his mind about having fried chicken after practice.
Okay, maybe Jeongin’s motives for ratting out Felix were a little swayed when Minho had said that he could buy his own chicken because he had to go back to his own apartment to clean. Everyone knew that Jisung wasn't the neatest roommate in the world, but Minho was one of his hyungs he didn’t mind spending extra time with.
Minho hadn’t been big on omega bonding time before everything happened. He was usually dragged around by Jisung to whatever the younger omega wanted to do. Not that Minho didn’t cuddle, but he initiated it far less than some of the others. Jeongin didn’t have to feel pressured into anything. He didn’t feel like it was expected now that he was an alpha- a failure of an alpha- whenever he was with his cat-like hyung.
Besides, Minho had done a great job of dodging being alone with him after admitting that he wished he was an alpha. It was like that confession was supposed to be forgotten, but Jeongin couldn’t. His hyung was perfect in every single way. How could he have ever wished he was an alpha?
He had said he wanted to lighten Chan’s burden, but Jeongin being an alpha practically doubled it. Once they had returned to Korea he was forced into his seventy-two hour hold, but he had heard whispers that Chan spent the entire time that he was “visiting his parents” getting yelled at for something that happened. The other idols around the company didn’t know what had happened, but the rumors were wild. Some said he had a secret affair, even though it was well known within the walls of JYPE that Stray Kids was a pack, romantically involved, and that kind of thing would never really happen. There was a rumor that he was engaged that their fandom started. Which was even funnier because it was almost true. Chan was completely devoted to the pack and had talked about becoming official. He had talked about, after everyone’s military service, having their pack officially recognized and married in Australia, since they couldn’t be married in Korea, and helping everyone get duel-citizenship so they could all one day retire back to Sydney, or maybe even deeper into the countryside where nobody would ever bother them again.
“You know, hyung. You’d feel better if you bought me and Felix fried chicken.” Jeongin piped up.
“Aish. Not this again, you brat. I have to go clean my house. Go buy your own food for once.” Minho rolled his eyes.
“You threw me under the bus for fried chicken?” Felix asked, outrage ringing in his voice, pitch too high, drawing in their hyung’s attention.
“Yes.” Jeongin nodded. “I would do it to anyone.”
“You’re such a brat.” Felix reached out to scruff him, in a similar manner to how Changbin would scruff Seungmin, but his tiny hands couldn’t reach all the way around Jeongin’s neck, so he just laughed at the blonde.
For a moment, he felt normal. Like the last few months hadn’t happened. Like the last few years hadn’t happened. It had been so long since he had been actually okay with touch, since he could laugh off an interaction like this with no actual worries.
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There was a very short period of time that Jeongin could even pretend that he was alone. It was deep in the hours between twilight and dawn. He had to sacrifice sleep just to get that moment. Often feeling closer to death than when he tried jumping out of a ten story building, the next day. In many ways, waking up at the time when most of the omegas were sleeping so he could have a small slice of alone time made him feel closer to Chan. The morning, soft and silent, before everyone was awake, was such an inspirational and creative time.
When Jeongin was younger he wondered why Chan stayed in his studio so late; why he coveted so many sleepless nights just to get projects done. A younger him had settled on the thought of fame. That's what it took to make them big, to give them the life they wanted. Traveling, brand deals, Stays all over the world.
But that wasn’t all.
Jeongin wiggled his way out of bed. Seungmin was one of the lighter sleepers among his pack members, which is why the others offered him up as tribute to sleep with Jeongin nearly every night, so he had to be extra careful not to rouse him. It had taken a lot of trial and error to get it right. Many nights pretending to go to the bathroom because he had accidently nudged his hyung, or made a wrong move, but he eventually made his way out of the ever tightening grip that Seungmin held him by.
Carefully he padded his way out to the living room. From there he should have been easily able to get to the balcony, but Chan had locked it, keeping him from the cool breeze that he sometimes liked in the morning, before everything happened.
And fuck did he miss it.
Their apartment was on the third floor. It wouldn’t have been a high enough jump to do any lasting damage, not that that's what he was looking for. He just needed the sense of freedom. Of independence. But he could understand why his pack wanted to keep him close. This was different then how they lost Woo. With him they could still reach out- even though Jeongin, himself, had never received an answer, he could still try to reach out.
Jeongin touched the glass door, wishing he could slide it open.
His therapist said that healing wasn’t linear. It didn’t happen all at once either. Some days could be good, and others would be bad again. And he just needed to live each day and see what happened. The same was true for his omegas. He had hurt them in a way he couldn’t understand because he had never been hurt that way. And if keeping him caged, locking him away from any potential danger helped them heal he would have to be understanding.
“But I want out.” He whispered, leaning his forehead into the glass, not caring about the imprint it left. Chan could clean up the smudges later, confused and never actually knowing how they got there.
How long would it take for them to trust him again? For them to look at him without a hint of worry? Minho claimed it was his job to worry about the younger pack members. Chan was often too busy, but he tried. He had been trying so hard lately. Between Seungmin’s episode of 2 Kids Room and the whole alpha incident, Chan had been much harder on himself and tried to be there even more.
It made something swell inside Jeongin, something akin to anger. His therapist told him that was normal. It was his alpha instinct wanting to protect his omegas. It was his alpha letting him know that it was time for action.
The fact he could still feel the burn made him sigh in relief. He thought for a while, after stopping his suppressants, that he had killed his alpha. He had murdered the sweet being that tried its hardest to keep him from sinking, from drowning under the crushing tides.
His ocean may have disappeared but his alpha was alive somewhere. He couldn’t see him, couldn’t touch him, but he was alive and that was all that mattered.
His alpha, as he learned from one of the many books Jung had given him, wasn’t trying to hurt his omegas. It was trying to protect them. But it was also trying to protect him. His alpha recognized his pack, his omegas as something precious, something that he needed to take care of, and fought against him whenever they were hurt. Whenever they needed an alpha to comfort them. It had never been trying to take them away from Jeongin, just trying its hardest to help him.
He still struggled to believe it. There was no way his alpha was that forgiving. And others, his therapist, Jung, even his books, tried to make him realize that that his alpha couldn’t hold it against him because his alpha was part of him, but it didn’t feel like it.
There was a divide. His alpha was Innie and he was Jeongin. And it hurt to think that, but that’s how it was. And there was a chance that if he continued on like that he wouldn’t be able to heal. He would always be broken.
He didn’t care about being perfect anymore. At least, not now. He already knew he would never be perfect. He wouldn’t even try anymore. He was practically worthless. But he could at least pretend everything was alright for his pack. He wouldn’t do anything stupid. He didn’t want to hurt them more.
But he could hurt. That would be okay. Waking up early for a semblance of alone time, tearing down his nest and refusing to do anything omega-like that used to comfort him. He could endure the small punishments that his pack would refuse him but he had laid out for himself. These little things, these small hurts would keep him in line. A good punishment for making it so they couldn’t trust him.
Maybe it was good they didn’t trust him.
No.
He shook his head, looking out at the skyline. It would be light soon. The sun threatened to creep over the horizon. The world would wake up. Seungmin would wake up. And he needed to be asleep when that happened.
So he turned away from the window, from the thoughts of freedom that he didn't deserve. He moved with ease back to his bed, lightly lifting up the covers to make it seem like he had never left. He turned away from Seungmin and closed his eyes tightly.