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Zayn pulled Liam a little bit closer and stroked through his brown hair. They were lying on his hotel bed, snuggled together and a little bit tired already. But Zayn could feel something was wrong. Liam was extremely cuddly today and hid his face the whole time, nuzzling against Zayn's chest.
“What's up, babe? There's something bothering you, I can see it.” He asked gently and tried to make Liam look up.
But Liam refused and stiffened visibly.
“'t's nothing” He answered quietly and hid even more.
“Liam … please look at me. I know that something is wrong and I really want to help you. You know you can tell me anything, yeah?”
“No … I can't.” Liam answered quietly and shook his head slightly. Zayn was confused. Why did Liam have the feeling of not being able to tell him everything. He wouldn't get angry. And he wouldn't love Liam less … no matter what he told him. But Liam clearly didn't want to talk.
“You can. I promise you.”
But Liam started sniffling a little bit. Zayn was alarmed immediately. Liam didn't cry that often. Sure he did sometimes but not without a reason. That was the proof Zayn had needed. Something was definitely wrong. He pushed Liam away, carefully not to scare him or something. He just wanted to look at Liam.
“Love, what is it? Why are you so upset? What's bothering you? And why can't you tell me?”
“You wouldn't understand.” Liam answered and rubbed his wet eyes.
“Let me try. What is it about?” Zayn tried again. He didn't like seeing Liam like that.
“It's about something I … God, Zayn I really can't.”
“But why not? For how long is it bothering you know?”
Liam sighed and looked away again. “A while.”
“A – A while? Damn, Liam. Why can't you tell me? Did anything happen? Or do you … are you having a fight with someone? Or did anyone hurt you? Are you scared? Is the stress too much for you? Shit Liam, you're worrying me.” Zayn didn't know what to do when Liam started crying properly during his words. He hated seeing Liam cry. He was always so worried anyway. And to see him cry didn't make it any better.
“No … no it's not like that. It doesn't have anything to do with … someone else. 'T's just me, Zayn. I'm weird.” Liam croaked out and swallowed.
“You're – WHAT? Liam you're not weird! You're just clearly unhappy right now.” Zayn tried to argue but Liam shook his head again.
“I'm … don't say that. I mean … you would say that I'm weird if you knew.”
“If I knew what? Gosh Liam, what is this about? If I knew what? Tell me please.” Zayn was really worried by now. Liam was still crying a little bit. Not sobbing, but there were tears streaming down his face and he pouted a wee bit. He looked extremely insecure and ... embarrassed.
“If you knew what I like.” Liam whispered and Zayn lifted his eyebrow.
“What?” Now he was even more confused. What did Liam mean? What did he like? And why would it be weird? Okay … well … they were in a relationship for quite a while now. About a year. And they were having sex … of course. But was Liam talking about that? Was Liam probably talking about a secret kink he had not told Zayn about? Was it that?
“What do you like, Liam? Is it a kink or something?” He asked directly and Liam flinched visibly.
“It's … I … Oh god. Never mind. Really Zayn. It's not that important … I'll … I'll just try to forget it.” Liam said and turned around, hiding his face in the pillow.
“No … No, Liam don't. I want to know what you like. I want you to enjoy everything we do, just as much as I enjoy it. Please, Liam. Tell me.” Zayn said and laid his hand on Liam shoulder. Since when was Liam so insecure about his feelings? Normally he told Zayn what he liked and what not. When had it changed? And why? Zayn figured that it had to be something really huge and really important … otherwise Liam wouldn't act like that.
“No … you really don't want to know. Just … just forget it.” Liam whispered and sniffled again. Zayn could see that the conversation was over now for Liam. If he would try to get something out of Liam now, it would have exactly the opposite effect. Liam wouldn't talk now. He had to ask him later again.
%%%%
A day later, Liam was sitting on his own bed. Zayn wasn't in the hotel at the moment. He was out, shopping, with Niall and Louis. Liam hadn't wanted to go with them. He needed some time to think.
He didn't know what it was, but he had these weird feelings sometimes. Especially when there was a lot to do, he liked to give some of his responsibility away. He had googled it a while ago. Had tried to come to terms with himself, but it was difficult. He couldn't really accept his feelings. Liam was pretty sure, that it was weird, wanting to call his boyfriend “Daddy”. And he was pretty sure, it was weird, liking the feeling of being little. A child. Sometimes he wanted to be a child again. He liked the idea of Zayn holding him, calling him baby and looking after him. He wanted to be treated like a little child. And to him, it was so weird to have these thoughts and feelings, that he absolutely wasn't ready to talk about it. Zayn couldn't find out. He'd laugh or something. He'd think bad about Liam and probably he wouldn't want to have anything to do with Liam anymore. He couldn't risk it. He knew Zayn loved him, but some things were just too strange.
Though, when Zayn came back a few hours later, Liam's eyes lightened up when he saw the huge Teddy bear, pressed against Zayn's chest. Liam really tried to hide his excitement about the Teddy, but even though he had been in the hotel all day, it had been a stressful day. He had to make phone calls with Modest and THAT was always exhausting.
“Hey, Li. How was your day?” Zayn greeted him, when he let his bags drop onto the floor.
“Good.” Liam answered quietly and cuddled himself even more under his blanket. He needed the warmth right now, otherwise he'd probably jump on the floor, run over to Zayn and cuddle that damn Teddy to death.
He hated these feelings so much, because they were so weird and he wanted to give way for them so desperately. But he just couldn't.
“There was a fairfax in the city and look what I won. It was quite troubling to even get to a few stalls, because of a view fans who spotted us, but I won this huge Teddy though. Here.” And with that, Zayn threw the Teddy over onto Liam's bed. Liam watched the Teddy with awe, but he was afraid though. He felt himself drifting of into his headspace more and more and he couldn't risk Zayn finding out.
“Don't you like it? I know it's quite hilarious, but I thought you might enjoy having the Teddy though.” Zayn said and got rid of his jacket. He dropped down onto Liam's bed and grabbed the Teddy, wiggled it in front of Liam.
“Look? I think he likes you.” Zayn laughed and seated the Teddy onto Liam's lap.
Inside of Liam the alarm sounded right away. Had Zayn an idea? Did he want to tease Liam? Did he want to embarrass Liam? Why was he acting like that? And why did he know? Was Liam so obvious? He panicked.
“I … I don't like it. Zayn … why … I … just why?” He stammered, eyes opened wide in fear.
“What? Liam, what are you talking about? If you don't like it, okay. I just thought you -”
“Stop thinking!” Liam sputtered out and regretted it the very moment, the words left his mouth.
“Liam?” Zayn sounded concerned now. But Liam didn't feel fine enough to care about it.
He felt himself drifting off more and more. He hated fighting with Zayn. And he was so ashamed right now. He was 21 for fuck's sake. Why did he want to clutch that damn Teddy so desperately? And why did he have the urge to cry out of a sudden? He just wanted to snuggle himself against Zayn's warm body. Wanted Zayn to embrace him and wanted him to call him baby. Why?
He snapped. He knew he had to tell Zayn sooner or later. But he much rather chose later. He pushed the blanket off his body and scrambled to his feet. He gave Zayn an especially embarrassed and scared look, then he quickly avoided his gaze. Zayn looked so confused and worried and Liam knew he was only a moment away from jumping right into his boyfriend's arms and sob for hours. He didn't want though. So within seconds he made a decision. He grabbed the damn Teddy, pressed it under his armpit and ran out of the room. He had to leave. But he couldn't resist and just had to take the Teddy with him.
As soon as he left the room, the tears started streaming down his face. He looked around? Where should he go now? He felt so small and so helpless and just wanted to go back to Zayn again, but he knew he couldn't. Zayn would notice.
Liam turned right and ran over to the elevator. He could go to the tour bus. If he was lucky, Louis wasn't there. He just couldn't deal with anyone right now. The tears were streaming down his face like a fucking river. Every step was so exhausting. He just wanted to lay down.
When he finally reached the bus, he was pleased to see it was empty. No one was there. He clutched the teddy even tighter to his chest and lay down on the huge sofa in the generous living area of the bus. The moment his head touched the cushions, a heartbreaking sob left his mouth. He wanted Daddy Zayn. Now. He didn't like being alone. The bus was so big, dark, empty and extremely scary. He was so lonely. The teddy gave him not even slightly enough comfort. It smelled a little bit like Zayn, but that was it really. Without noticing his thumb found its way to his mouth and he started suckling on it. It was calming. At least a little bit. His body was still shaking under small sobs and his heart was pounding way too fast. He curled into the foetus position. He felt so small. So vulnerable.
He just wanted to tell Daddy Zayn what the problem was. But how? Would Daddy still like him? Probably not. Why wasn't Daddy here right now? Why was Liam so weak? Why was he hurting so much? Was he a bad little boy? Was that the reason Daddy wasn't holding him right now?
The sobs started becoming heavier again. The Teddy was soaking wet by now and Liam didn't feel good at all. He started sucking harder on his thumb, needed the comfort it gave him. He was so cold. So horribly cold.
The door opened, but Liam didn't dare looking up. He rather turned his head, in an attempt to hide himself. He didn't want anyone to see him like this. No one. He was pathetic, embarrassing and weak! And Daddy didn't like him!
“Liam?” It was Louis' voice. His voice hoarse from smoking. He smelled a bit like smoke, too. Liam heard the door being closed quickly and then Louis' steps … he was coming over to the couch. “Liam? Are you okay? What's the matter?”
When Louis stepped even closer and touched Liam's shoulder Liam couldn't hold a loud sob back anymore. It just slipped. His whole body shook and he tried to hold the teddy impossibly close. Louis would find out. He would find out right now.
“Hey … hey, don't cry. Sshhh.” Louis sounded alarmed and quickly pulled Liam into his arms. Liam tried to fight him off, but he was so small and totally not strong enough. He was just a child. He was still turned away from Louis, so the older man couldn't see him sucking on his thumb. But he saw the teddy pressed against Liam's chest.
“Did you have a fight with Zayn? It's the teddy he won for you.” Louis inferred.
“NO!” Liam croaked out. It was so hard to form proper sentences. “No fight! No!” It was difficult to speak around the thumb in his mouth. Louis seemed to notice as well. He pulled Liam a bit closer and turned him in his arms.
“What-?” He asked when he saw Liam sucking his thumb, but stopped again. Liam saw Louis knitting his brows but then his face turned into one single smile. “Oh, baby. You're okay. Don't cry, love. Everything's alright.”
When Liam heard Louis calling him 'baby' he just started crying even more. Louis knew. But he was still nice. Why? Why didn't he push him off?
“Sshh. Liam, calm down, will you?! C'mon. Teddy doesn't like it when you're crying.”
Liam gave Louis his best puppy dog eyes and then – somehow – the words left his mouth on their own. “But Daddy doesn't like me.”
“What? Zayn has a problem with you being a little? Are you sure?”
Liam just shook his head, really upset. He didn't know anything for sure! He was so small. How could he know?
“Okay, okay. Don't start crying even more, baby. Maybe we should talk to Daddy?”
“NO! Daddy doesn't understand! Daddy doesn't like me.”
Louis seemed to understand, finally. “Oh, love. You can't hide yourself like that, though.”
“Can't change!” Liam huffed out. He was so sad. “Tried to.”
“You don't have to change, Liam. C'mon. Let's go find Daddy, yeah?”
Liam shrugged. He didn't want to face Daddy. But he didn't want to hide from him anymore either. It was so cold without Daddy. Always so cold.
Louis pulled him up. It was so hard for Liam to stand. He just wanted to sit on the floor and wail. But Louis didn't have any of that. He took Liam's hand and pulled him out of the bus. Luckily they were in the underground carpark of the hotel and it was pretty late so they could get to Zayn's room without anyone seeing them.
Louis only knocked once, it didn't take any longer for Zayn to rip the door open. “Liam! God … why did you -” He stopped there, seeing his boyfriend's sad face. Liam just looked onto the ground in front of him, shuffling his feet. He held his teddy so tight. He really liked the teddy. Zayn's eyes found Liam's and Louis' entwined hands and gulped. “What's going on?”
But Louis just shook his head and pushed Zayn into the hotel room. “Not out here!” He answered and kicked the door close, after making sure Liam was inside as well. Then he turned to the whimpering boy again and directed him over to the bed. “Sit down, baby. You're alright.”
Liam obeyed. He still didn't want to meet Zayn's eyes. He was embarrassed and pretty sure that Daddy didn't like him anymore. Louis made sure to wrap a blanket around Liam's shaking body. Liam was still freezing. Everything was feeling so cold without Daddy. He didn't like being scared and lonely. A kiss was pressed onto Liam's forehead and then Louis turned towards Zayn again. The black haired had been standing there the whole time, had watched the odd exchange confused.
“Louis, seriously! What's going on?” He repeated his question again.
“What did you tell him? Why was he all alone in the bus? You can't leave him alone when he's in headspace, you idiot. No matter if you like it or not!”
“What? What are you even talking about? Headspace? What's a headspace?”
“When he's little, you daft pillock! What were you thinking?” Louis was really angry, Liam could tell. He didn't like that at all. He didn't like Louis screaming. He whimpered a bit louder and tried to hide himself under the blanket.
“I don't know what you're talking about, Louis! Why are you angry?” Now Daddy was screaming, too.
Liam sobbed. Why was everyone angry? And could they still see him when he was under the blanket? Did they know he was still here?
“Liam?” Zayn asked, his voice quiet again. “Love? Don't cry please. Just talk to me finally.”
Liam felt the mattress sink next to him and then the blanket was pulled away from his face.
“Uhm ...” Zayn made and looked extremely confused. That was when Liam noticed that he was sucking his thumb again. Oh how embarrassing. He started crying for real again. He was so exhausted. He quickly pulled his thumb out of his mouth and tried to turn away but Zayn stopped him. “Hey … no! Don't turn away from me, please. I want to help you, but I can't when you don't talk to me. What is going on with you?”
Liam shook his head. “Baby, I love you so much. I just want to help you. Please tell me why you're acting like this. I don't understand.”
Louis made a surprised noise from across the room, but neither Liam, nor Zayn reacted to it.
“I – I'm scared.” Liam mumbled out and finally turned fully towards Zayn.
“But why? Was it something I did? I promise, you can trust me. I will always love you, no matter what.”
“Daddy.” Liam wailed out, pressed his face against Zayn's chest and started crying for real again.
“Oh my ...” Zayn started and looked over to Louis. “Please explain. I know you know something.”
Louis smiled. He nodded and walked over to the bed. He sat down next to Liam and Zayn and let his fingers stroke through the whimpering boy's hair.
“He's a little. Right now he's in his headspace, or littlespace. It's just something he likes and can't help. I think he feels safe when he's little and that's why he's drifting off into it sometimes. You didn't know that?”
“No, of course not. He refused to talk to me and ran away when I gave him the teddy.” Zayn looked as if he was finally understanding. “Oh. You liked the teddy, didn't you?” He asked Liam and a fond smile spread over his face. He looked up again. “So does this mean he wants to be treated like a child? Is that age-play we're talking about? I think the fans wrote about it, didn't they?”
Louis nodded. “Just try and give him what he needs. Try to be his Daddy.” Louis smirked and stood up. “Have fun.” And with that he left the room, obviously sure that Liam was in good hands.
“Okay, so … uhm … Liam? You really can stop crying now. I won't leave you. It's okay that you feel this way.” Zayn tried to assure the whimpering mess in his lap.
“Not angry?” Liam croaked out and still tried to hide himself.
“No, of course not.” Zayn hesitated for a second but then the words almost left his mouth on their own. “Daddy's not angry at all.”
Liam shuddered. It was so unexpected. Zayn called himself his Daddy. So he really wasn't mad. He looked up, his cheeks were shimmering with tears and his eyes were red from crying. “Thank you.” Liam whispered and quickly nuzzled his face against Zayn's chest.
“Hey … now … let's try and talk about it, yeah?” Zayn suggested but Liam shook his head.
“Can't talk now.”
“Oh my baby can't talk now? Are you too small for that?” He cooed and Liam would have heard the awkwardness out of Zayn's voice if he wasn't in his headspace right now. It was just so new for Zayn and he didn't want to do anything wrong.
“Small.” Liam said and nodded.
“Okay, love. I understand. What do you want to do then? Just cuddle a bit or do you maybe want to play?”
“Play?” Liam looked up interested. What did Daddy mean?
“Yes … I mean you got that new Teddy, yeah? Does it have a name already?”
Liam nodded quickly. “Zee.”
“Oh it's called Zee?” Zayn chuckled. “That's lovely.”
He took Zee from Liam's grip and wiggled him around a bit. Then he made kissing noises and constantly pressed the teddy's face down onto various parts of Liam's body. Liam started giggling. “Oh look, teddy is kissing you.”
He continued the teddy-kissing-thing for a while, enjoyed the crinkles around Liam's eyes. It was when Zayn noticed that it had been a while that Liam had laughed like this. It made Liam happy, obviously. And everything that made Liam happy, made Zayn happy as well. He liked seeing his boyfriend smile. And if this was the way he could make him smile more often, then so be it. He would enjoy it.
He couldn't hold himself back anymore. He leaned over the laughing figure in front of him. “Now can Daddy have a kiss from his precious little baby?”
Liam was beaming. He nodded almost hysterically, couldn't lay still when he was in his headspace. Then Zayn leaned down and pressed his lips to his boyfriend's. Liam kissed differently when he was little. Messy, eager and he giggled sometimes, unexpectedly. And Zayn really liked it. Liam was so carefree. Finally.