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("we should end it."
the words struck taehyung like lightning. he had been used to jimin making feel electric and alive and fiery in all the good ways, the ways that spurred him into tailspins of confidence and belief of invincibility. but this was a new kind of lightning. it was real and being struck hurts.
what made it worse was that he wasn't too surprised. in fact, he'd been quietly turning over the idea in his head, citing the pros and cons, trying to figure out if breaking up was what he really wanted. he came close to breaking it off many times before but the words, the simple words -- i'm not happy anymore, died on their quest to escape the confines of his mind, died when he looked at jimin.
he didn't respond and jimin sighed.
"i...i just think we aren't as happy as we used to be," jimin shrugged. not like this wasn't the end of an era, not like he didn't care but like the end was and had always been out of his hands. "you're not like you were. i'm not how--"
"that's called growth," the search for taehyung's voice was successful but he didn't like the bitter, bitten state he found it in. "people change all the time. it's developing, it's--"
"this isn't developing," jimin scoffed, smirking in that way he does when he isn't really amused. he looked around the diner they were sitting in, it was mostly empty either too late or too early for people to roll in. when he looked back, he only kept eye contact for a fraction of a second before his eyes fell down to his coffee. "we...it's like we're holding each other back or like, i don't know, we don't feel the same way as we did before. but neither of us wants to admit it. it's not growth, we're stunting each other."
taehyung's hands fell off the table, slid down against the vinyl booth and he dug his nails into the seat until a seam cracked. "jesus..."
"it's not," jimin stopped himself then, inhaled sharply and shuddered quiet before continuing. "it's not that i don't love you. i do, i still...i really do."
"why can't we just talk about it then? if you're not itching for it to be over, why can't we just talk about it? i don't make you happy anymore, i can -- we can fix that."
"don't pretend it's just me. i don't make you happy either. you can't stand being next to me most of the time," then quieter -- "you don't even look at me the same way."
all of the other things, the fact that they weren't happy and had not been happy, taehyung could deal with them. they were truth, black and white, spread out in fine print, bolstering out of headlines. they were true. but not looking at jimin like his world didn't revolve around him? not looking at him like the world stopped spinning? not looking at him like he came down from fiery heights and enraptured a cold world in warmth?
"bullshit," he said. the filter between his mind and mouth had been flimsy in the beginning but it completely broke at that moment. jimin looked up at him then, dark eyes full of hurt searching his for something. something he couldn't find.
"you're always looking for something else lately, you know that? i'm not...i can't be enough for you anymore."
"you're more than enough. fuck, you've always been more than enough."
it ended there.
or maybe it had already ended and taehyung was grasping at shreds of the past, trying to glue the fragments together to recreate something wholesome. jimin put his hand on the table, palm up, an invitation for taehyung to slide his in. the tabletop was cold against their skin but their hands stayed there, intertwined for the last time. jimin rubbed his thumb across taehyung's knuckles, erasing whatever residue had been left from his kisses.
they stayed silent, both of them aware that they were over. they stayed like that for however long before jimin squeezed his hand one last time and drew away to become a ghost.
it was at that moment, while he watched jimin's retreating figure, watched his back move farther away until there's nothing left of him, that taehyung remembered he started off the day with "perfect day elise". since then, he's stopped listening to pj harvey.)
when taehyung first saw jimin, he was certain he'd been dreaming.
the allure and incandescence that loomed over, in, and around jimin's presence was enough to make him feel light headed. it made him feel like his existence was a blemished non sequitur in an otherwise perfect allegory. but not at all in the bad way, not that he no longer felt important or of value. rather meeting jimin had felt like enlightenment on ecstasy, like witnessing the explosive birth of a new universe and seeing past the point of one's own selfish existence.
when taehyung first talked to jimin, he felt like he'd been transported to a world where impossibility was a mere tale amongst fantastical realities.
and when they first kissed, taehyung was certain he had been forgiven for all of his past sins.
back then, in their junior year of college, their world was light and heavy. light with morning afters, rushed kisses, feverish hands, limbs panicking and aching, wanting to touch everything but not being able to all at once. it had been a haven absit iniuria and it was perfect. the soundtrack to their love had been slight hitches in jimin's voice when taehyung's fingers would ghost over his skin, trail blazing goosebumps in his wake or the quiet riots of "i love you", "fuck, i love you" that spilled past taehyung's lips every time he bottomed out or the way their laughter seemed to harmonize perfectly.
taehyung doesn't hold on to the past.
he really doesn't.
he looks forward to each new day, he goes to art shows, he works, he lives instead of just existing, he paints moments as portraits with vivid colors until they become memories encased in glass boxes. he lives in the moment and allows himself to take pleasure in the nowness of everything. he goes to movies with friends, he has friends to complain to, to comfort and be comforted by. he's living.
but he would be lying if he said he didn't think about jimin which his friend jeongguk consistently points out every time he claims other wise. still, it isn't like jimin is saturated in every pink wrinkle of his brain. he just lingers. kind of like that sore on the roof of your mouth that you know you have to stop tonguing, that you have to let heal. so you sometimes leave it be but it's hard to forget the muted ache, hard to not stroke your tongue against the wound to see what it feels like.
"what did you say you needed?" taehyung asks into his phone as he scans the products sitting prettily on the shelves, stretching out for the aisle. a sigh crackles through the speaker.
"i gave you a list," seokjin says.
"i can't find it," taehyung picks up one of the small boxes of soft taco shells. "it's just pasta, right? you know i love pasta but maybe you could do something more exciting. something everyone likes."
seokjin scoffs. "the only person who needs to like it is jeongguk."
taehyung rolls his eyes. life was so much simpler before his housemate started dating his brother, so much easier to navigate. it was like being a sim. but now? he's deep in arma 3. "just tell me what to get."
seokjin starts off with a sigh and delves into the ingredients. how he needs lasagna, not the store brand kind, the good kind. how he needs mozzarella, ricotta, and parmesan cheese and how imperative it is that taehyung get a certain brand. navigating through various aisles of the grocery store, taehyung considers what brought him here running errands for a brother who is more than capable of doing it himself. it was no one's fault but his own, of course.
he had the brilliant idea to invite seokjin over for a housewarming dinner shortly after he and jeongguk decided to team up and put money down on a place. it was mostly a ploy to get free food and it would have worked out if jeongguk and seokjin hadn't taken to speaking in thinly veiled flirtations --
("do you like it?" seokjin had asked, slowly sliding the spoon out of his mouth like he thought he was sucking on a heart shaped lollipop.
"it's delicious," jeongguk had said, never tearing his gaze away from seokjin's mouth, only to flit between them and his eyes. "but, i won't lie, sometimes it was a little hard."
seokjin smiled then. "you can always suck on it to make it soft.")
-- and way thinly veiled euphemisms. the night had ended with jeongguk offering taehyung money to disappear for the rest of the night.
totally taehyung's fault.
but, at the very least, he supposes he could be grateful that something substantial came from their relationship. it would have been awkward if they had a one night stand and taehyung had to deal with juggling his relationships to make them both comfortable. he interrupts seokjin's explanation for why it is so essential to get chicken broth for a dish that contains no meat ("jk really likes that taste").
"i'm happy for you," he says. seokjin's voice stills to stagnancy and the silence on the other end prods taehyung to continue. "i...i dunno, it's really great that you've found something in each other. here's to a happy two years and many more to come."
to no surprise at all, seokjin sighs heavily once again. "you couldn't save that for the actual dinner? why do you have to say all the touching stuff beforehand?"
taehyung clicks his tongue. "i'm baring my soul right now."
"you could have saved it for dinner! now you're just gonna end up stealing from harry met sally again."
"...don't disrespect that movie, okay? it's a classic and it's filled with truth. and don't pretend you don't love it when i compare you guys to rom-com couples."
"...thank you," seokjin says. "i'm really happy."
"i know."
while he's standing in line at the checkout, the supermarket speakers go from blaring a current radio favorite in favor a blast from the past. the first second, the crash cymbal starting off an orchestrated catastrophe of emotions, sends taehyung back to junior year of college. the melodious guitar, the subtle bass sends short signals, quick flashes of his old dorm room, the walls plastered in oddity posters, the floor cluttered with his and jimin's clothes, lying atop each other much like they were. spent and wasted on the prospect of a forever.
when you were here before
he's back in bed, back in the warm space, the pale blue sheets tangling his limbs, wrapping around his leg like a vine. he's back with his cheek, hot and flushed, pressed against jimin's sweaty chest. he's back to sharing a joint and playing maxinquaye under dim lights, his own chest overflowing with content.
couldn't look you in the eye
he can see jimin's eyes. they're full of wonder, they razzle and dazzle under the blanket of twilight, they smile without prompt. he can see the haze that used to coat his irises when he was high or drunk or both, he can see the light in them when the two of them got into trouble, when they snuck into public pools at midnight and didn't pay their fare for the subway. he can see the tears, the wetness that painted over them, when taehyung pushed into him and he thought he saw heaven.
then he sees him.
taehyung sees him. not shrouded under the fogginess of what used to be, not distorted by withering memory, not three years younger. jimin's entering the supermarket, bag slung over his back, glasses perched on the edge of his nose, too big and sliding down just for jimin to push them back again. he clearly knows what he wants, probably came into the store for one thing only. but even in the midst of his steel focus, in the midst of walking head on, jimin pauses, turns, and their eyes meet directly.
you're just like an angel
he expects for jimin to smile politely and carry on with his life, move on as if his mere existence doesn't tilt taehyung's earth on its axis. but jimin waves, smiles something tense and bright, and nods his head toward the side before continuing to walk. so taehyung backs away, moves out of the line, apologizes to the older woman he nearly bumped into, and walks until jimin is arm's length away.
"hey," jimin greets. his voice is chipper enough to anyone who hadn't previously made a habit of memorizing the sound of it. to taehyung, it sounds fake.
"hi."
the woodenness of taehyung's voice affirms something he had been suspicious of for the past three years: he wasn't over jimin. seeing him again makes him feel like he's back in that diner, trying to salvage something long dead. he's tense and melted frozen and on fire all at the same time.
a moment passes. jimin shifts from one foot to the other. thom yorke belts his heart out. "well, come here."
jimin steps closer to him, perches himself up on his tiptoes, and wraps his arms around taehyung's neck. their chests press against each other, taehyung's senses are attacked by sandalwood and cinnamon, and taehyung starts to ache in places he thought didn't exist anymore. he reacts slowly but eventually wraps his arms around jimin's waist and swallows down a quiet "i missed you".
it's too soon when jimin pulls away, falling back on the balls of his feet and smiling suddenly like everything is okay. this time, it's genuine. he breathes out. "how've you been?"
"good," taehyung says. then says it again, the second time more confident. "good. great. i, uh--wow, what's it been, three years?"
"three and a quarter," jimin nods, crosses his arms. "what'd you do after graduation?"
"i--"
"excuse me," a young girl says quietly whilst offering a polite, apologetic smile before stepping in between them to walk into the aisle. taehyung looks around and remembers everyone else, looks back at jimin with the intention of answering his question at the same time they both move to stroll down a different aisle instead of being in the way. but jimin, still smiling at him, runs a nervous hand through his hair like he did so many times before in the past and the overhead light makes a glint on the silver band wrapped around his fourth finger.
and every part of him deflates.
"taehyung?"
"...um," he swallows hard and looks away. "i--nothing, really. i haven't been doing much of anything. start up with an old friend, trying to do the day to day thing. what brings you here?"
he only asks because the thickness in his throat is close to making his voice blatantly waver. jesus, it's been three years, he's not really fooled himself into believing jimin would have waited for someone he had no binds to, has he?
jimin points at the end of the aisle they've decided to walk down. there's pet food and chew toys and bowls. "i have a kitten now so i have to be a responsible parent. her name's inigo montoya."
taehyung smiles at that. he remembers the both of them going to a local theater one sunday afternoon for the weekly blockbuster classic. the princess bride was the last one they watched together. three days later, they were over.
"what about you?" they come to a stop at the cat food and jimin squats down to retrieve his brand from the bottom shelf. taehyung watches him, lets himself stare at the silver band again as a form of torture.
"anniversary dinner," he says lamely, not noticing the way jimin slightly freezes over until he stands himself back up on shaky legs. when jimin turns to him, taehyung sees the disappointment and a part of him buried deep in his subconscious feels proud that he's not the only one suffering. he doesn't bother clarifying.
"that's great, tae," jimin smiles again but it fades quickly, eyes maintaining a faux elation as they scan taehyung up and down. "i'm happy for you."
taehyung nods. "i should probably go but, um...do you maybe want to get some coffee later? catch up properly, you know?"
jimin nods. "yes, i...um, let me give you my number."
they exchange phones despite both their hesitance and taehyung punches his number in, fingers shaky and vibrating with regret and rapture.
("i'm so sorry," seokjin had whispered, air escaping him as he stroked taehyung's arm. after a long time of just sitting staring at the empty booth seat in front of him, staring at the ugly orange tint of the vinyl, taehyung tore himself away only to drag his feet to his brother's job.
back then, seokjin worked at a bar and was wiping the area down when taehyung rolled in numb and asking for something strong. he hadn't even taken his first sip before spilling everything, pouring his heart out and offering it to everyone who would take it.
"did he say why?"
taehyung shook his head. "just...that he wasn't happy...i don't -- i guess i don't make him happy."
"...is there a chance or...?"
seokjin's voice trailed off at the sight of taehyung shaking his head solemnly. the younger took a big gulp of whatever alcohol seokjin offered him before sliding his glass over in a silence plea for another. "it's over.")
taehyung didn't share anything about the encounter with seokjin or anyone else for that matter. it was easier, would be easier to deal with when nothing came of it. it would be simple if he didn't have to deal with the questions and the prodding, the 'what'd he say?' and 'how'd it go?' and the parade of inquisitions that would make the wound harder to heal.
instead, after dropping the groceries off with seokjin and explaining the importance of him not attending the anniversary dinner as it would likely scar him for life and he didn't really need to witness is roommate screwing his brother on the dining room table, he went back home, got dressed, and waited with bated breath.
a few precarious texts later, he was sitting in a diner that was eerily identical to the one he got dumped in.
he orders a mocha for himself and, though logic tells him he should wait, he orders a caramel macchiato for jimin. it's been three years and he sincerely hopes that it isn't odd that he still remembers jimin's preferred drink. but mostly he hopes that it still is his preferred drink.
when jimin comes in, he looks different. the glasses are gone, replaced with kohl and a confidence that was missing at the supermarket. he wears all black, hair pushed back like he used to wear it on their special dates, something he started doing after taehyung let it slip that he loved the way it looked. taehyung tries not let himself think it means anything.
"you look great," he says when he stands as jimin approaches the booth. once again, jimin props himself up and wraps his arms around him, pulling him into warmth and back into yesteryear.
"so do you."
taehyung doesn't mean to be so obvious but he lets himself inhale, breathe in jimin's scent until it's burning his lungs and the full ache awakens everything. "not really, just managing."
they finally pull a part and when they do, taehyung catches a glint of something quietly roaring in jimin's eyes. he rubs his palm down jimin's arm and dips into his seat, smiling something heart stopping when he sees the caramel macchiato.
"i didn't know if you still liked those," taehyung stutters briefly when he speaks. "if you don't, i can always -- do you want something else?"
"no, this is perfect. i can't believe you remembered."
"how could i forget how often you'd swing by the cafe i used to work at? how many times did i have to make that drink for you?"
jimin giggles before taking a sip and moaning at the taste of it. his eyes fall closed, taehyung swallows hard and looks at his fourth finger again as a necessary reminder. they're nothing now. "you kept getting in trouble for that. didn't all those free pastries come out of your pay?"
taehyung shrugs. "it didn't matter back then."
"always so cavalier with your finances."
"no, it's just...never mind."
"oh," jimin looks scandalized, lets out an exaggerated gasp. "no, no, you have to be over that now."
"over what?"
"you know how often you would start sentences but leave the thought hanging incomplete? it was frustrating and i'm not letting you do it again, three years is too long."
taehyung smiles, looks down at his mocha and stirs absent-mindedly at the whipped cream. "okay, you won. i was just gonna say that...it didn't matter because i just -- i would've done anything for you."
that undeniably taut way jimin's voice hitches slightly doesn't go unnoticed by taehyung. he goes silent and for a few seconds, they just sit in the ambience of the diner. they hear the plates clatter, the sizzle of the stove, the smell of brewed coffee pour overs.
"i shouldn't have..."
"no," jimin shakes his head. "no, it's fine. it's not like...i mean we were together for a long time. i loved you, you loved me, it's not like we have to pretend we didn't. i would have done anything for you too...i..."
jimin quiets down. when taehyung looks up, he's smiling at the caramel drizzle crosshatch. it's a strange smile, one that taehyung has never seen. he looks guilty. when he speaks again, his voice is quiet: "i probably still would."
suddenly, there's no ring. there's no three year gap. there's no late nights of pondering. there's no avoiding certain songs (no "hell is around the corner", no "violet", no "cross bones style") because they bring back memories that bruise. taehyung has never stopped loving him. and, from the sound of it, jimin hadn't either.
taehyung couldn't stop himself from asking the question even if he wanted to. "why'd you break up with me then?"
jimin's smile fades. "i...you weren't happy."
taehyung shakes his head. "i was happy. i just didn't realize it until...you know what? i'm sorry. that was -- can we start over?"
the smile returns slowly, rising steadily like the sun. "how have you been, tae?"
"good," if he can call the month he spent after jimin broke up with him being too numb to be human 'good'. but for the years after, he was good in ways that felt practiced and slightly subversive. "i started this internet startup with a friend of mine and it's been going okay."
"just okay?"
"'okay' in a field as competitive as that one is actually a good thing," taehyung smirks. "um...remember my brother?"
"of course, i do. if i recall correctly, he liked me more than you sometimes."
"don't get proud. he likes everyone more than me," the sound of jimin's laughter almost makes taehyung forget what it is to be independent. "anyway, he's good. in a good relationship and, you know, he's happy and all."
there's a hand on his, the tips of jimin's fingers brushing gently across his knuckles, dusting off his own absence. taehyung looks at the contact, waits for jimin's hand to jolt, for him to remember they can't do that anymore but the hand stays. "how are you?"
it wasn't that taehyung was unhappy because he wasn't. his life wasn't a somber, lars von trier circle jerk in grayscale. he didn't sob overnight, cowering over liquor bottles. he wasn't in a state of perpetual upheaval. he wasn't unhappy by any means.
but he knows like seokjin knows, like jeongguk knows, like his mother knows, that he wasn't especially happy either. he didn't make jimin the end all, be all of his own existence. it just so happened that life with him was indescribably better than life without him.
he swallows hard. "i manage. tell me about you."
"i've been good too," jimin's hand slides away. "after graduation, i took a year off, went back home. i spent the time working and trying to figure out a plan. but i couldn't come up with one so i just...came back here, got a place. i work in an office now."
a laugh breaks out of taehyung's throat, a genuine one that makes his shoulders shake and his cheeks sore. "i can't imagine you in a suit."
"my god, i'd die if had to wear one. it's a casual office, the boss is really new age so..."
"and are you happy?"
"it's not what i dreamed off, not even close," jimin exhales. "but it's my life. it's mine. not my parents', not my friends'. i like it."
jimin takes another sip of his drink and the foam sits pretty on his top lip before his tongue slides out over it. he tucks his bottom lip in between his teeth and looks off to the side, out of the window where the city, despite the late hour, is still moving. "can you think of anything that would make it better?"
"why fix what isn't broken?" when jimin looks back again, the air becomes thick with all the things they can't say and taehyung has trouble breathing. "is your...partner? are they cool with you spending anniversary night with me?"
taehyung blinks. then stutters. then laughs when he realizes. "i'm not dating anyone."
"...but you said...?"
"that was the truth. but it's my brother's anniversary, not mine. he wanted me to get the groceries because he's lazy and inept. but no, i haven't...haven't had a serious relationship in a while."
jimin's adam's apple bobs and when his voice comes out, it's brittle. "oh."
"don't get cocky, park jimin, i've dated plenty of people," jimin laughs again but it's light and distracted. "they were all good people. they just didn't stick."
"that's understandable."
taehyung's eyes flit to the silver band again away from jimin's limps, plump and plush with unkeepable promises. "what about your, um, husband? fiancé?"
for a split second, jimin looks genuinely confused. then he looks down at his hand, strokes the ring with his thumb, and smiles fondly. "i...i'm just too confident in my looks. i wear it to keep people from flirting with me."
this time, taehyung's voice is just as brittle. he swallows hard. "oh...does it work?"
jimin shakes his head, never tearing his eyes away. "not always. but it's worse when i don't."
taehyung watches as jimin slowly slides the ring from his finger and lets it fall onto the tabletop with a quiet clatter, a ding in the mist.
"it's not even real," jimin continues. "old flame gave it to me as a promise ring and i found it one night after an especially invasive day and...i just slipped it on."
"so you're not...you're not married then?"
"single as the day i was born."
"...oh."
taehyung pushes into jimin and a groan at the base of his chest pours out of him and it feels like he's never left. he's never been one to believe that anyone was under anyone else as far as emotional holds go but he does feel like he belongs here, in this small space, confined with jimin for a series of forevers.
he hisses at the same time that jimin moans and digs his nails deeper into his shoulders. as taehyung rocks into him, watching the feathered halo of ecstasy fall around him like soft clouds of snowflakes, he can't, no matter how much it tries to transport him to college, go back to the past. he's never wanted to be in the now so badly.
"i missed this," he murmurs into the soft, heated juncture between jimin's neck and shoulder. "i missed you. so fucking much."
he accents each word with a thrust to match, almost making a rhythm, creating music out of their harmony. they had stumbled into the darkness of jimin's apartment on clumsy feet and even clumsier hands. it was cliche like a trope from an old romantic comedy, them thrashing, knocking over coat racks and knick-knacks in the pursuit of more skin, more kisses. they made a trail of clothes from the front door to the couch because they weren't patient enough to make it to the bedroom.
"i know," jimin pants out before capturing his lips in a weak attempt to bury the moans back into his chest. "i...shit, i know."
taehyung's hand slides down from jimin's shoulder, down his arm, against his waist, until taehyung squeezes his thigh before hooking his hand under the older's knee. at the same time that he hikes his leg up higher, jimin whimpers. "then wh--fuck, why?"
"scared," jimin exhales, his voice comes out in pixie dust. he inhales sharply before breaking into another moan and curling his fingers in taehyung's hair. "was scared."
neither one of them is close yet and their heartbeats are still raging against their chests, angry and insatiable and awaiting what will make them whole again. taehyung knows jimin's body well enough to know that he shouldn't stop, that jimin's aching so badly for release, his bones are already quivering. but he stops.
his hips still against jimin after he bottoms out, after jimin's eyes start bleeding blessings.
"i really loved you a lot," he pants out, chest heaving, skin hot, world officially tilted. "i still do...i can't stand it."
jimin just stares at him, the shine in his eyes changing from a reaction to pleasure to an incite of tears. "tae..."
before anything else can be said, taehyung snaps his hips and moves too fast, too desperate, too late until they're both seeing elysiums in the other's eyes, until jimin is begging for him not to pull out. and he doesn't. he imagines painting jimin's insides with his colors, making a masterpiece with an insignia before he finishes and they collapse against each other.
when they've caught their breaths, they find solace in their shared silence. jimin draws circles on his arm and mumbles in the dark. "you know you're still the only one i ever let do that."
"do what?"
jimin doesn't say anything and taehyung imagines he blushes but can't bring himself to lift his head from his stomach and look. "everyone wears a condom or if there isn't one, i make them pull out but...never you. not even after all this time."
"you broke up with me," taehyung gets the sentence out with much trepidation and struggle. it comes out like vomit he tried to swallow down but eventually succumbed to the burn in his throat. his voice comes out like broken glass on concrete. "and i accepted it but i never...you never really told me why."
jimin opens his mouth to speak. then closes it again to reconsider whatever it was he was about to say. taehyung interrupts before he can start:
"admittedly, though, that doesn't bother me. i guess i just kind of hated that i didn't fight for you."
jimin inhales. exhales. fights a groan. "i never stopped loving you."
"neither did i."
"but it worked out, didn't it? you're happy. i'm happy...right?"
taehyung doesn't bother with a response. he figures, if nothing, the best he can do is start off on the right foot and not lie. instead he props himself up on his elbows and leans forward. jimin looks up at him like he's the realest thing there ever was as he strokes his cheek with a thumb.
"what now?"