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He couldn’t do it. For one of the first times ever, he just couldn’t. He took a step back, examining the equation on the board another time with frantic eyes, the question not clicking, something inherently wrong about it in a way he couldn’t seem to place. He had done everything right, even done things in ways he wouldn’t ever normally attempt to, all to find an answer that remained completely allusive.
He looked over his shoulder, the entire bridge crew staring at him as the ship shook, overhead lights flashing as Eli leaned back and gripped the white board for support. He wanted to apologize, scream that he was sorry, even ask for help. No words escaped his mouth as he saw Thrawn slowly advance toward him, the man’s eyes narrowed on the board and then on Eli.
“Sir,” Eli managed, looking at the board again helplessly and then back at Thrawn who had stopped a short distance away from him. “I’m tryin’ I…I’m sorry…” Eli looked down, his throat tight as the ship’s bridge shook under them once again.
He heard Faro speak from the crowd, her voice piercing above the rumbling of the ship. “Like that matters now! You let us all down, Eli!” He heard other members of his crew agree, all of them yelling different curses and insults at him as he pathetically stood against his failed math equation.
He glanced up at Thrawn after a moment, hoping beyond anything that the man might defend him, help him even. Instead, all he got was a sneer he had never seen grace the man’s lips before. It was a look of disgust, a look that told Eli that Thrawn was done defending him, now and maybe ever. “You disappointed me,” Thrawn said, Eli feeling the words cut through him like a blaster bolt. He felt nauseous, never having imagined he could fail so badly that Thrawn could look at him in this way all while muttering the words he had hoped he would never hear.
He looked down once again, trying to collect himself all while tears embarrassingly stung his eyes. The ship went quiet as he squeezed his eyes shut, the rumbling stopping as everything went silent. When he finally opened his eyes again and glanced up he was once again greeted by Thrawn, the Chiss still looking at him, almost seeming indifferent toward him, uninterested in a way he had never been. “I had expected better from you, Eli.” Eli sat in the silence of it, blinking rapidly against the tears in his eyes that only served to further humiliate him. It was the use of his first name that stung him too, a name Thrawn never used unless they were in the most private of situations, and now a name that was used to shun him, emphasize the gravity of what Eli had done.
Thrawn turned on him, walking back down the bridge that was now hardly illuminated, the space darker than he had ever seen it on the Chimeara before. “Thrawn,” he called, the man stopping but not looking back at him. “I’m sorry…”
Thrawn’s eyes met his, the man’s pure disgust making Eli's knees feel weak under him. Years, years of what Eli would have considered a friendship gone in a moment all because Eli had made a mistake, all because Eli wasn’t good enough and Thrawn had finally discovered that fact, seeing what Eli had tried desperately to warn him of in the beginning of this relationship. And now Thrawn was disgusted because it had taken him years to see it.
He was a disappointment, but worst of all, he was a disappointment to the person whose opinion he cared about more than anyone's. Eli sunk to the floor, Thrawn not bothering to look back as he left Eli in the darkness of the failing ship.
***
He was distracted, that much was obvious. Ever since the weird, and quite honestly terrifying nightmare he had yesterday he couldn’t help but feel like he was walking on thin ice, like at any moment he would mess up catastrophically, so catastrophically that Thrawn would give him that repulsed, disappointed glance he remembered vividly.
He tried to be rational, reminding himself that not ever, not even once had he seen Thrawn look at him with any version of disgust or disappointment. Eli had always assumed it was because the man was too good at hiding it, the Chiss always unnaturally neutral with all of his emotions. Well, most of the time, a rare exception being Thrawn at an art museum. He swore that it was the most expressive he had ever seen him.
Eli smiled to himself, staring at his data pad as he made his way into the control room. He was about to glance up when he felt himself run into something firm yet soft, quickly looking up and meeting Thrawn’s gaze, the man’s eyebrows raising momentarily in surprise before relaxing again. “Commander Vanto,” Thrawn greeted, Eli feeling his face warm a bit.
“I’m sorry, Sir,” Eli apologized. “I…I don’t..I didn’t mean-” Eli lifted his data pad and hid his face behind it temporarily, feeling like a cadet who just made a grave mistake in front of their superior officer and not someone who simply made a small mistake in front of the man he had known for a decade now.
He heard Thrawn give a slight huff. At least someone was finding this funny. “It is alright.”
Eli glanced up at him, sighing. “Something ain’t right with me today,” he said dismissfully as he glanced around Thrawn to see what he was looking at. It seemed like nothing in particular, the Chiss probably eerily staring out the window as he often seemed to when they were at moments of peace.
“In what way?” Thrawn asked, still staring at him and trying to make eye contact whenever possible, the act letting Eli know that Thrawn was desperately curious over something only Eli could give him the answer to.
“I…it’s hard to explain,” Eli said, shrugging.
“According to the schedule you provided me with this morning, my agenda is open until five standard time. I believe that enough time to explain, if you so wish…” Thrawn informed, Eli unable to help it as he lifted one of his eyebrows.
“Why do you wanna know so bad?” He asked, smiling a bit against himself.
“Do I truly need to explain?” Thrawn asked, gentle even if Eli knew this to be confrontational. “It involves your wellbeing, something that-”
“Is essential to the well-being of the ship,” Eli filled in, having heard this line about a thousand times now.
Thrawn’s lips twisted up the slightest amount. “Indeed.”
Eli huffed, rubbing a hand over his face. “It was just a nightmare, I can’t stop thinkin’ about it.”
“You may tell me,” Thrawn said.
Eli waved a hand. “I don’t wanna burden you.”
“I insist,” Thrawn reassured, waving his hand in a purposeful imitation of Eli that Eli found only a little cute.
Eli sighed, glancing around to make sure no one was looking before glancing back at Thrawn. “Well, it was about this math equation I couldn't solve. Like, the whole ship depended on me solving it and I just couldn't, no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get things right. I know, it doesn’t really make sense but…I…” He hesitated, looking over Thrawn who was still looking at him with the utmost interest. Eli shrugged again, blushing slightly. “You uh, you told me that you were disappointed, that you expected better. It was…I guess those words held a lot of weight,” he admitted, reminding himself that he was talking to the person he considered a friend, who he had known for a decade. It wasn’t as if Eli was admitting some fear that wasn’t apparent, Thrawn had probably known for a long time now that his opinion meant a great deal to Eli.
“This is why you struggle today? You are afraid I will become disappointed in you, one way or another?” Thrawn guessed.
Eli gave a small nod. “I guess so. I know it’s kind of stupid. I didn’t do anythin’…except run into you,” he murmured. “Sorry again for that.”
“You are forgiven,” Thrawn said as if it was obvious. “You are always forgiven. Similarly, I will always be proud of you and the achievements you have accomplished thus far in your career. You have been an excellent aid and commander. I would strongly dislike having to choose another to work alongside me.”
Eli choked a little, blushing. “You really don’t gotta.”
“I am telling the truth. I can not imagine many situations in which I would be disappointed, and any of those instances could not take away from the pride I felt and feel currently,” Thrawn admitted.
“Gods, this is a lot of praise I-”
“I am not finished,” Thrawn interrupted, Eli pressing his lips together firmly in response. “I wish to tell you that I hold a great deal of admiration for you as well, despite the fact I may not admit so often. You hold a great many skills and talents. Beyond that, you hold a commendable attitude. I do not know if being told this will help with your fears of disappointing me, but I wish for you to know it anyhow.”
What has gotten into him? Eli thought, his face burning at this point.
“Thrawn, I…thank you. It means a lot to me but you…-” Eli could hardly finish a sentence as he rubbed at his face. He was hit by a recollection of his dream, the moment he felt his knees go weak under him as Thrawn looked at him in disgust, only now he felt weak for completely new reasons, Thrawn’s praise usually short but deep, not often so…elaborative and oddly emotional as it was now.
“I do need to, if that is what you were about to inform me. I wish to. You have been greatly important in assisting and supporting me in many ways-”
“I can’t. You’re making me blush, Thrawn,” he whispered, hiding his face with his data pad again momentarily. “It means a lot to me, but this much praise-”
“Is warranted and needed,” Thrawn emphasized. “It is likely overdue.”
“Oh God,” Eli whispered as he turned to leave before things got worse and he embarrassed himself when his knees got a little too wobbly, risking momentary offense as he walked to the doors of the control room. Thrawn spoke up behind him moments later, drawing attention from the rest of the control room.
“I respect you deeply, Eli Vanto!” Thrawn said in a raised voice that instantly made the room go silent.
Eli groaned as he left.