Chapter Text
Pervert.
That was what Haru thought of himself the first time he saw videos of two boys with floppy hair and soft skin kissing and he closed the tab as fast as possible before anyone caught him.
He thought he was a pervert watching the way sweat gleamed on his classmates chest as they got changed, how his panting from running looked like exertion from something else. He thought he was a pervert the first time a boy kissed him, sloppy and rushed, anxiety pulsing through their veins. He felt like a pervert being surrounded by trainees in close quarters and being afraid to share a bathroom with them in case they figured him out.
He felt like a pervert until a trainee much older than him pulled him against his chest and said “My son!” In the most adoring innocent beautiful voice Haru had ever heard, and Haru was no longer a bizarre outsider, now he was someone's baby, someone who liked to kiss boys and avoided public baths and who saw a pretty actor and said “damn he's hot,” without any fear of repercussion.
Haru was no longer a pervert because if he was a pervert for doing that so was Wumuti, and no one on earth was more pure than Wumuti.
Haru didn’t need Hwang Min-Hyun to tell him he’d lost. He knew how little time he got on screen, he knew he would now not get to prove himself any more, he knew even a great dance off couldn’t save him. He watched his Wumuti get up on stage and smiled, as long as he could win Haru would be happy.
That’s what he told Wumuti later, curled up in his arms. He held Haru like if he squeezed tight enough Haru would fuse to his body and they could be together longer. Haru knew Wumuti felt guilty, he couldn’t help it, he was their leader, it was his duty to take all the hits they were dealt so they didn’t have to. After swapping with Jay Wumuti had worked twice as hard to make their team strong, knowing that if he failed as a leader and center that he would so easily be painted as selfish. It was a cruel sort of torture this show, Haru thought, You had to do everything in self interest but not too much, if you were too self interested you’d be villainised, and if you were too selfless you would be trampled by the other trainees sucking up the light you left. Wumuti was right to give up main vocal, Haru had told him this too many times to count now, it wasn’t his fault xenophobia cost their team, and Jay, the win, but Haru felt biased. Wumuti was the most magnetic presence Haru had ever encountered, it was impossible not to be drawn into his light, and he would make you shine for it. Haru wanted Wumuti to be in the center at all times because that’s where he belongs, under the spotlight, glowing, making everyone around him glow too.
“It’s okay, Muti,” Haru whispered again, starting to feel that Wumuti was more upset about this loss than Haru themself. “I’ll keep training and when you’re finished being in this group in a few years then I’ll come back and we’ll debut together.”
Wumuti smiled a big beautiful smile, the one that made the corner of his lips crinkle because his face was too small for the weight of his joy, the nicest smile Haru had ever seen, and Haru felt like he’d won the entire show. Boys Planet was nothing next to making Wumuti smile.
“You work hard and move to Korea okay,” Wumuti said firmly, “I better see you again soon.”
“You will when you come on tour to Japan,” Haru teases, “I’ll be right up the front, you’ll know it’s me cause I’ll be the loudest and I’ll have a big shirt with your face on it in a love heart.”
Wumuti squished Haru into his chest again, kissing his face incessantly. “I-” kiss “love-” kiss “you,” kiss kiss kiss. Haru melted in the arms of their friend, smiling like a kitten being licked by its mother, (and feeling generally like he was seconds from Wumuti attacking him out of cuteness aggression.)
Wumuti finally let him go, swearing that if he had a second free he would come see Haru before his flight home, and if he couldn’t that he would call Haru anyway. Wumuti walked him out the hall, and then down the road, and then stood with him until his taxi came, not letting go of him for a second. Driving away from the Mnet building, Wumuti watching him, Haru felt a bud sprout in his chest.
He did see Wumuti on tour, though not as part of a screaming crowd of zerobaseone fans, a small fan meet where Wumuti pulled him backstage and cuddled around him as they waited for the small show to start.
“Missed you,” Wumuti repeats for maybe the sixth time. Haru obediently repeats “Missed you too,” petting Wumuti’s dark purple hair thinking how evil it is that he can constantly change his hair and still have the softest hair ever where Haru’s still felt like straw from bleaching.
“How’s the whole moving to Korea going?” Wumuti prompts, turning his face up so Haru strokes his cheek. His face breaks out in a smile as Haru tries to play it off, stroking hair out of his eyes and running a finger down his nose.
“I should be able to next year I think," Haru replies, distracted by running the pad of his pointer across Wumuti’s features. Wumuti lets him keep going for a moment, only stopping him when he almost drags lipstick across his chin.
Wumuti holds Haru’s finger against his lips, kissing it slightly. “I think you’ll be good to join my company whenever. Kuanjui will be soon too, so we’ll be waiting for you.” Wumuti’s plush lips moved under Haru’s finger, a perfect rosy colour, Wumuti’s soft lips squish perfectly, hot air escaping when they part. Haru watches a hint of tongue emerge and then disappear as he speaks. Suddenly Haru feels hot all over, like someone has dunked him in a too hot bath and he can feel his blood vessels expand, he presses down and watches how the bottom lip springs back into place. Wumuti smiles and kisses his finger softly, looking up at Haru through lashes.
“Mama,” Haru finally croaks, Wumuti looks up, eyes no longer hidden behind perfect long lashes, he studies Haru for a second before letting his eyes half-close once more. For a flash like a tiger stalking his prey. Then tenderness snuck back into his features and he looked like a bunny again.
“Am I teasing you?” Wumuti says with a smile, kissing Haru's finger again, then pulling his wrist forward and kissing his palm. He let go and Haru’s hand stalled in the air for several seconds before his brain caught up enough for him to pull it away.
There was a distinct rosy mark left on Haru’s hand, and a distinct lack of lipstick in the centre of Wumuti’s lips. “C’mon,” Wumuti said, sitting up, tugging Haru up along with him. “Now I need to fix my makeup, and we should film something.”
“Okay,” Haru nods, obeying easily. After applying lipstick Wumuti pulls up the camera, introducing Haru with excitement. Haru plays along easily, happy to just be in Wumuti’s presence, then the older trainee leans in to kiss his cheek at the same moment he turns to blow a kiss and their lips meet in the middle. Like a firework the bud in Haru’s chest unfurls to reveal a rosy hue.
Haru’s beloved best friend who he loves so much has informed him that his fixation on a man 7 years his senior is “probably a sign of some deeper psychological issue” and “fucking insane, get help” Haru loves Itsuki, which is why he only smacked him a little bit over that.
Haru stands in the dorms he will now be living in with said 7-years-older-man, and he’s seriously considering getting lobotomised because all he can think about is how it smells like Wumuti. This is on account of Wumuti in the other room spraying an air freshener that smells slightly fancier than a trainee should be able to afford, but Haru won’t complain that his bed now smells like his leader.
Kuanjui is making his bed, patiently putting on pillow cases for 6 different pillows. His body moves lithely even while doing something as simple as tidying. He dances around the room, stopping to show off an occasional teddy or trinket and tell Haru about it. He's so good at making Haru feel included, not making it seem like he's doing it on purpose just dragging Haru in and making him part of whatever nonsense he's doing. At one point he stops to spin a pair of flow stars, he hands them to Haru and giggles at his flailing attempts to imitate the movements. They match each other's energy, whenever Haru falls out of sync from Kuanjui's insatiable pep, Kuanjui makes sure to find a new thing to bring him back in.
It's very clear to Haru why Wumuti loves Kuanjui so dearly. He’s a diligent worker, incredible at everything he does, and he’s an even better teammate. Where Wumuti’s strength is seeing the potential in others and coaxing it out of them, Kuanjui can take that newfound talent and craft it so intricately into the best it can possibly be. Haru loves Kuanjui, it’s truly impossible not to, but he inspires a black rot in Haru. Haru sees Kuanjui in all his prowess, a prodigy dancer who’s one of the best in the industry before even debuting, funny and energetic, beautiful like a statue, and flexible like a willow.
Haru has gone from the best dancer in the room to second place, from being told he’s pretty enough to be an idol to standing next to an angel who deigned to visit them on earth, from Wumuti’s beloved favourite to just part of the team. Despite himself, and how dearly he loves Kuanjui, Haru can’t help but hate him.
Jinhyung is downstairs with Wumuti, the tall trainee is overly polite and sticks to Wumuti’s side, he’s not enormously obvious with it, he does try to be friendly, but it’s very clear that he is very much an introvert and a little uncomfortable with sliding into the three boys planet trainees friend group. Where Haru still has at least the decency to respect Jinhyung’s personal space, Kuanjui has decided that the fastest and most effective way to make friends is to just be friends in the first place, treating Jinhyung like he would any of the rest of them, affectionately teasing and being silly. It seems to work because when Kuanjui drags Haru downstairs and bursts into Jinhyung and Wumuti’s bedroom with an elongated “Hiii~” Jinhyung grins and welcomes them in.
Wumuti lights up, face melting into a smile that in turn melts the entirety of Haru. Kuanjui skips in and plops down onto Jinhyung’s bed as Jinhyung is putting down a blanket, interrupting his trajectory and effectively getting hit in the face with a woolen blanket. Jinhyung buffers for several seconds, emotions rushing across his face before he settles on grabbing the blanket and wrapping Kuanjui up more so he can’t escape.
While they bicker (which Haru suspects was Kuanjui’s entire goal, since he’s grinning like he’s won some sort of prize) Wumuti approaches the puddle formerly known as Haru. “Are you two done unpacking now?” Wumuti reforms Haru from goo into close enough to a person to be able to dote upon. He pets Haru’s face, patting his chin and stroking his hair, Haru-now changed from a puddle into a thoroughly cuddled cat-purrs and accepts the pats with grace.
“We’re done, mama,” Haru nods, “The room’s a bit empty though, you two have way more stuff.”
“Are you implying I should spoil my Haru with some decorations?” Wumuti asks, a mischievous smile sneaking onto his face.
Haru giggles “That’s not what I meant!”
“Too late, Wumuti leans under his bed and pulls out a bag. “What kind of mama would I be if I didn’t get my baby a housewarming present?” Haru peeks into the gift bag and sees a stuffed fox. Letting Wumuti go only long enough to grab the fox and then pull Wumuti back in for an enormous hug, Haru feels his heart swell.
“Where’s our gifts?” Jinhyung complains.
“I call favouritism! Aren’t we your babies too?” Kuanjui adds.
Wumuti seems to have planned for these inevitable objections because again he briefly lets go of Haru and pulls out two more bags. When examined by the pair of complainers, they find a little toy monkey and butterfly.
Jinhyung squeals, cuddling the monkey like it’s the most precious thing he’s ever seen (and like he doesn’t have three toy monkeys on his bed right now,) Kuanjui instead turns on Wumuti, and by association, Haru, tackle hugging them both onto Wumuti’s bed.
As Haru’s new group-mates make merry, and Wumuti holds him like a precious thing. Haru’s blossom bursts into a flower.
“That boy has you wrapped around his finger, Muti.”
The sentence catches Haru off guard, he's sat in the living room after dinner, waiting for Wumuti and Jinhyung to finish tidying up. Haru can hear Jinhyung’s down the hall clear as if he were in the room, no matter how he tried Hyunnie could not be quiet to save his life. Muti replies something muffled and Haru stalks down towards the kitchen to hear better.
“-Not,” is all Haru can hear of the sentence, and then a self-deprecating laugh.
“I'm serious, you're a little obsessed at this point.”
“Who wouldn't be.” There's some plates clashing that overpower the sound of Wumuti's soft voice. “-is the most beautiful thing. I just wanna make him thrive, I want to- I want him to never feel like I've felt.”
“And that's nice-” the sounds of water running and dishes being washed covers the rest of Jinhyung's sentence, Haru curses and sneaks closer to the open door, hoping to hear just a little more.
“When I was his age I was under an awful company, doing survival shows, fighting to be recognized, hiding all of-” a pause - “all of myself thinking that maybe if I were, were, good enough, straight enough that maybe I'd be allowed t-to be who I wanted. I just want him to grow up and end up being himself, y'know? I want to give him a space where he never has to fight, where he can just be himself and still have his dream. Y'know?”
Haru's chest burns, he wants to run in and cuddle Wumuti, tell him that he's done it, that Haru is happy, is himself, is living his dreams, that Wumuti has succeeded. But he stops himself.
“You really see yourself as a mother, huh?” Jinhyung's laugh is clear but his question is probing.
“I mean, I would've killed for someone my age when I was 18 who could've told me it was okay to be myself. Mentor, leader, mama, I don't care what Haru sees me as, as long as he's always happy.”
“But you see what I mean, right? Obsessed, you're completely nutty for him.”
“You make it sound worse than it is.”
“I'd say I'm making an accurate assessment, maybe you're just too Haru-crazy to notice.”
There was a small squabble, peals of laughter bubbling out of the room, Haru felt star struck. He knew Muti loved him, obviously, but to hear Jinhyung say so clearly that Wumuti was maybe as obsessed with Haru as Haru was with him made him feel lightheaded.
Haru floated back to his and Kuanjui's room, light as a feather, the bloom of love in his chest flourishing in bright colours, filling his heart with the perfume of roses.
Haru’s 19th birthday came and went with the rush of debut. They didn’t waste a moment resting, As a small reprieve Wumuti promised them that they could do anything together for one of their infrequent days off. Haru jumped on the opportunity to spend some alone time with their leader.
Wumuti sat across from Haru in a simple outfit, sweatpants and a tight shirt, her hair straightened and a small bit of makeup on under her glasses, her gloss smudging on the straw she sucks her tea through. She is telling Haru about the plans for their Japan tour and Haru cannot stop watching how her glossy lips form words around the straw, her bunny teeth teasing on the edge, and her tongue swiping occasionally across her lips as she speaks or pauses for a sip. The little rosy crush in Haru’s chest has grown into a tenderly cared for bush, Haru piles fertilizer around the bottom and trims the dead leaves, Wumuti pauses and smiles, Haru’s rosebush is so well nourished.
“What are you thinking about, silly boy?” Wumuti asks, teasing the straw with her tongue again. Haru swallows hard.
“When was the last time you had a boyfriend, noona?” Haru asks, the question slipping out before Haru can stop it. Wumuti cocks her head and laughs.
“Where on earth did that come from?”
Haru takes a large swallow of strawberry matcha to hide the embarrassment of being too forward before continuing. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard you talk about a boyfriend, but it doesn’t make sense that you wouldn’t have one.” Despite the awkwardness of the question, it’s genuine. After all, if Haru is in love with Wumuti, why isn’t everyone?
Wumuti chews on her straw, her milk tea entirely ignored at this point so she can abuse this poor paper straw. “I mean I had a thing with Rui for a bit, but it ended before I debuted in WaterFire.”
“What?!” Haru has to slap a hand over his mouth to stop himself from screaming. Someone turns to him and he bows apologetically before turning back to Wumuti, eyes wide.
“It was very brief!” Wumuti laughs, “we got along really well in Boy’s Planet and decided to see where it went, and it went-” Wumuti gestures “-well, here! We’re better as friends anyway.”
Between Boy’s Planet and WaterFire is almost exactly a year, the year when Haru turned 17 and ending after he turned 18. Haru remembers back to the first moment he realised he loved Wumuti, when she came to Japan after they’d both lost Boy’s Planet, and she accidentally kissed Haru. His heart sinks like a rock.
“Baby?” Wumuti isn’t laughing anymore, they cock their head to the side like a bunny. “Did I say something wrong?”
At some point Haru had dearly cherished the idea that maybe that kiss meant the same thing to Wumuti as it did to him. He never said this out loud of course, he’d suggested how he feels about Wumuti to Itsuki once and barely got out with his pride. But in his heart there was this tiny part that hoped that when Wumuti was alone she remembered how Haru’s lips had felt for that brief second, and wished she had more.
“You never told me…” That’s all Haru can bring themself to say. Looking up at Wumuti trying desperately to mask the betrayal in their eyes.
“You were 17, baby, I couldn’t talk about that stuff with you, it wouldn't have been appropriate,” Wumuti is trying to smile, her eyes are too wide though, not disappearing into her cheeks like with a real smile.
Haru clenches their teeth, trying to bite back all the thoughts rushing through their head. Their tongue feels too big, their brain cottony. They open their mouth and form words but don’t voice any, just staring at the table.
“You should’ve told me.” Is all they manage to say.
Wumuti looks struck down, she studies Haru’s expression then turns away, squeezing her eyes tight. “I-I mean it, I can’t- I have to consider our ages- I mean-” She lets out a breath and moves to slide in the booth next to Haru, hugging them tightly. “I don’t understand.”
Haru hugs Wumuti tightly, hiding in her neck, she smells like pineapples and citrus, she hugs Haru twice as hard.
“Tell me what you’re thinking, I-I didn’t realise- I’ll make it better, just talk to me.”
And How can Haru refuse? but how can Haru obey? I’m in love with you, I’m desperately insecure and Rui is everything I wish I was, you will never love me back, what does Rui have that I don’t?
“I just- you never told me.”
Wumuti strokes Haru’s cheek, “I’m sorry, I couldn’t, I- god, Haru.” She sighs heavily and drops her voice down, deep and quiet, rumbling in her chest under Haru’s hand. “Do you know how often I have to remind myself of your age? If I act wrong, if I do something, I mean- you’re so young-” she sighs again, “god Haru I hope you never feel like me, like a fucking pervert all the time.”
It’s too late. Because Haru knows exactly how she feels.
“You’re not a pervert, mama,” because no one on earth was more pure than Wumuti.
Wumuti laughs, dryly like Haru made a joke. “If you think that then I’ve done good raising you.”
“There’s nothing wrong with you,” Haru insists, because no one on earth was more pure than Wumuti.
“Haru…”
“I-” no one on earth was more pure than Wumuti, no one. Because if Wumuti was a pervert for liking boys then what was Haru? Haru who likes boys, Haru who is in love with their supposed “mama," Haru who gets off on age gaps and mommy kinks. What is Haru if Wumuti is a pervert? Begging, all Haru can say is “Please stop.”
Haru has to pull away from Wumuti, hide his face before he genuinely starts to cry. He cannot stop the shaky shuddering breath that escapes. When he looks back at Wumuti she looks on the verge of crying too, halfway between reaching out to hold him again and desperately trying to stop.
“C-can we talk somewhere else, baby, Haru, my angel-” Wumuti loses the battle and wraps her arms around Haru again, loosely so they can leave. “I’ll talk to you, I will, just not here. We can go home- We can talk to Rui, I promise-”
“I don’t care about Rui,” Haru whines, “you’re not a pervert.”
“I-” Wumuti is struck dumb. She gapes for several seconds before nodding. “No, no I’m not, I’m sorry I said that baby, I didn’t mean it.”
“Don’t lie.”
“I- I should- Haru… I. I’m sorry, I should’ve realised that could upset you, I didn’t think.”
Haru lets out a shuddering breath, sucks in air until her lungs hurt, and then lets it go. Repeating despite her lungs burning, trying to calm her racing heart. “I’m sorry Unnie. We can go.”
Wumuti frowns, “I don’t think you need to apologize, I… You should talk to me, okay? If something upsets you like that, you, you can trust me. I’ll make it better.” She takes Haru’s hand and Haru follows obediently, a puppy at Muti’s heels.
They walk towards their home, once the streets empty slightly Wumuti decides to speak quietly in Japanese so they won't be overheard, stumbling over her fifth language in a beautifully endearing way Haru can’t help but love. “I worry, when I am with you, that I am doing something wrong. You’re so young and I’ve been your-” she starts to say okasaan before switching to the more familiar Korean, “-eomma for so long, I did not want to do things that could be perverted.”
“You’re not my mother, though,” Haru frowns, “you’re my friend.”
Wumuti stumbles a little, Haru ends up briefly in front of her, holding her hand like a lifeline. “Well, I am though, aren’t I? You say I’m like a mother always taking care of you.”
“Yeah, like, you’re like a mother, you’re not seriously my mama, you’re my friend first.”
Wumuti pauses fully, tugging Haru to a stop by the interconnectedness of their fingers.
“I’m still old though,” Wumuti frowns, “I’ve known you since you were 16, that means I have to treat you differently.”
Haru swings around, studying Wumuti like a puzzle he can’t figure out.
“But I’m an adult now.”
“But that is why I didn’t tell you about Rui, because you’re young.”
“But I’m an adult now.”
Wumuti groans, stumbling over her words a few times. “All kids think they’re big, you’re little to me.”
“I’m an adult!” Haru yells in Korean.
Again Haru profusely apologises to a stranger on the street for their outburst, before going right back to Wumuti.
“Do you think I’m an adult?”
“Is this why you’re upset?” Wumuti seems almost relieved. “Not Rui?”
“I don’t care about Rui,” Haru repeats, “I just don’t like that you won’t treat me like an adult.”
“You weren’t an-”
“Not the point! I don’t care about Rui! You can do whatever or whoever you like! I want you to talk to me the same way you would Hyunnie or Rui though, like I’m your friend!”
Wumuti nods, seemingly crumbling. “But, I… Haru please, imagine if it were you with a-” she pauses briefly to count in her head “-13 year old, imagine how it feels for me-”
“I’m not 13 though, I’m an adult.”
“Please listen!”
“You’re just trying to justify keeping me at arms length!” Haru snaps. “You don’t want to be as close to me as with the others, so you pretend I’m a baby so I can be treated differently-”
“No!” Wumuti grabs Haru’s other hand. “Never! I-” She looks and sees the other people around, softening her voice and returning to Japanese.
“I- Fuck Haru. I’m so scared.”
Haru tries not to glare. “Of what. Grooming me?”
“Yes.” Wumuti meets Haru’s gaze and there are tears in her eyes. “It- Well I mean-” her shoulders slump. “Please can we talk at home?”
Haru nods and lets Wumuti lead him home in silence. He tries to think, consider what had been said, but Wumuti’s hand is warm and her breathing is shallow and all Haru can think about is how badly he wishes he could cheer her up. Or never have upset her in the first place.
They get in the door and barely manage to get their slippers on before Wumuti drags Haru to her bedroom. Hyun is out fortunately so she locks the door and sits on her bed with a huff.
“You didn’t groom me,” is all Haru can really think to say.
“It’s fucking hard being gay,” Wumuti laughs, “I- I mean like, they’re always saying queers are pedophiles or whatever. I-” Wumuti looks up at Haru pleadingly and it’s all Haru can do not to leap into her arms. Wumuti pats the bed and Haru’s thin self control snaps, sitting next to her and curling into her chest.
“Haru…” Wumuti tugs Haru close. “I… When I was 16 I had a boyfriend, he was 21. He-” Wumuti half laughs half sobs. “-he liked how- how young I was, and innocent, he liked that I was still not good at Korean and that I had no family in the country. He always told me that we’d be a family instead. He was in my company, when I wanted to leave him I had to leave that company too, I had to leave my group for, well, more than just that, but it contributed. I was alone in a country far away from home, I didn’t have the company I had come to Korea for, the group I debuted in, I thought my dream was over.”
“Muti…”
“Do… Do you see why I’m nervous?” Muti laughs shakily. “My worst nightmare is that maybe I turned into him.”
“You didn’t, mama,” Haru begs, forcing Wumuti’s arms open more so he can climb onto her lap and cuddle her.
“But I’m scared.” Is the last thing Muti can say before she starts to sob. Painful heaves, wetness soaking into Haru’s shoulder as he cradles her. Cuddling her as tight as his arms would allow.
How would she feel if Haru told her now, that he’d loved her since they’d met, that he grew up waiting to be old enough for her, she never gave him those ideas not one bit but would she understand? Or would she see the face of the man that hurt her and imagine that she was in his shoes.
Despite the pain, Haru trims back his rose bush, wipes Wumuti’s tears and kisses her forehead.
“It’s okay, Muti, it’s okay. Ding ding ding ding ding, it’s okay~” he sings. “You’re the best mama I could ever ask for, you’re okay you’re okay.”
Muti smiled into Haru’s neck and Haru thought maybe it really could be okay to just stay like this.