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Trainee life, something everyone knew then agreed to not talk about. Everyone acknowledged that you have to train to a certain standard to become an idol. Dance. Vocal. Rap. Music production. Song writing. Stage presence. Interpersonal skills. Media training. Fan service. Language classes. A million more. However, these stories were not glamourous with dazzling stage light and sparkling confetti. They were tiresome, to say the least; stories that were not necessarily kept under locks and keys, but only existed in forums, in fandoms' myths, in casual remarks "Oh, we used to train together" and in neat words "trainee under XYZ company". And all those grueling days and nights, months and years, built them into the person they were, and the idols they would hopefully become.
Hyunjun would say he had had quite a taste of a trainee life. He moved to a new city and trained for seven years under SM entertainment. He had seen first snows from the trainee building windows seven times. He had visited the Seoul Forest in cherry blossom season seven times. He had welcomed new batches of trainees more than seven times, though. He had worked with new faces shuffling in every month and seen so many old friends off because spring for trainees was not always promised after long winters.
He had also gone from being rotated in evaluation groups more than he could count to training with around twenty. The core debut group, the fans whispered to each other. An exclusively promoted project to introduce trainees and cultivate a pre-debut fanbase, the company informed them. His sanity bar, Hyunjun would answer in a beat if you ever asked him. It was serious business, so excuse them if the fifteen boys looked very much composed and text-book idols in one second, and total crackheads in the next as if someone screamed through their internal communication channel and now everyone had to scream too. It just happened after you spent most of your waking hours in front of the mirrors syncing your moves up, and the rest of your day entertaining each other so the team did not lose their shit or go bald. And maybe all of you should have spent a bit more time keeping the dorms habitable. It just happened after you lied down to catch your breath when they immediately decided it was time for you to wipe the floor while you were at it. It just happened after they dragged you out to get the matching necklaces and planned to wear at the airports because that was cute, you had to admit. After you just sat there docile while he was rummaging through the closet to get the same shirt you had offered to buy two (‘’Why need two when I could just wear yours?’’). After you realized belatedly that you had learned the glint of his eye and the curve of his smile better than any choreography or formations, and it was true that people carried more traces of people in their lives than they would ever know.
It was true for people who lived in the phones, too.
When Justin took too many bath room breaks that practice, and turned off his phone in the next session, everyone knew. They did not only match their moves, but tuned their emotions to each other. The younger boys seemed puzzled by the lukewarm atmosphere, staring at the older trainees to get a clue. Charlie was about to pull a joke, but he just gulped. He squeezed Justin’s shoulders, though. Everyone knew that was not performance stress, or monthly evaluation pressure. It was something more personal that made the best performer looked dazed under the fluorescent lightning, something that boyish jokes and bantering were not equipped to help, something that you just hovered around until you were invited. Old doors, for example.
The middle children of the family knew more, of course. They looked at the furrow of his eyebrows, his hands turning the phone on and off like he was waiting for something but afraid of it at the same time. Kassho ruffled his hair, gave him a bottle and talked in low Japanese. Justin barely responded. Haruta scooted closer and now both of them fussed over him in more Japanese. Hamin was about to explode right on the spot.
Hyunjun tapped his shoulders.
- You remember that steakhouse he likes right? Get us some tables, boy.
Hamin looked at him like he just ascended from heaven.
- Catch this!
Hyunjun barely caught the bottle. Daniel did not seem a bit guilty that he was aiming for his head, he mouthed: ‘’Check your phone’’.
Child labour group [9+ new notifications]
Hyunjun scrolled to the top of the new chat.
[songhahaha]: jungwon just called. he said stini’s situationship got a bf.
[hanbi hiong]: freshly?
[songhahaha]: been going on for a while
[nielie]: WTF
[nielie]: the hell
[nielie]: im sorry im out im not built for this
[hanbi hiong]: songha is that top 5 of the craziest things that you have been told?
[songhahaha]: close. next time im giving your number hyung
[nielie]: OMG
[nielie]: you sure is not a prank or something
[nielie]: w
[nielie]: t
[nielie]: f
[imjunpingofthisbridge]: oh lord let me read the chat
[nielie]: doctorate degree in stini study has come to the rescue
[nielie]: can I leave this chat
[hanbi hiong]: we cheered
[songhahaha]: im clocking out early today
[hanbi hiong]: im throwing a party cuz no more relationship counselling yeppie
The chat was buried under more messages of Daniel screaming and spamming random things, and Songha planning where to eat. Hyunjun grimaced. That was what you got if you tried to put three men with a total of 5% of relationship experience (a one-sided crush that lasted for a week on Songha’s behalf, it died the moment Daniel found it out) to work out a romantic problem.
[imjunpingofthisbridge]: get your shit together cuz stini was calling him for the past hour and he did not answer
[imjunpingofthisbridge]: back to practice rn before he overthinks his brain to a meltdown
[imjunpingofthisbridge]: clock out in the next hour. get the maknaes back in the dorm. im gonna talk to him and we will eat out at that steakhouse okay? I
[imjunpingofthisbridge]: hamin’s treat we cant eat nicholas hyung’s wallet out of existence
[nielie]: we stand for president jun
…
Practice presumed. Everyone was so out of it that it was arguably the messiest run they had ever had. Partly because Justin was not biting their head off if the lines were not clean, partly because their practice leaders were too busy dissecting their dongsaeng’s situationship which had gone from slow burn, teenage love to the most insane plot twist of mankind. Hyunjun had to admit they had been trying their best. Hanbi was on the 100th late-night deep talk and Songha and Daniel worked hard selling the single-life glamour that obviously did not include daily facetime with your old teammate.
The music thrummed through Hyunjun’s veins. He practiced diligently. Humour was their coping mechanism, but jokes and laughter did not heal wounds, much less a lost heart. He glanced to Justin, who had his head down the whole time. Some closed the old door and walked away, some never saw the old door, some hovered at the threshold, some left flowers on the windows. One hold a message from Jihoon, which plainly stated James and his new boyfriend were together that weekend, and knocked on the door, wishing that he could do something.
The trainees dispersed after Songha called it a day. They stumbled over the doorsteps in groups, and laughter slowly drained out of the room. Daniel looked back one last time, mouthing something that Hyunjun barely made it out to be ‘’Please save our princess’’. He absolutely flipped Daniel off. Justin had stopped pretending to put things away in his bags and curled up in one corner, his grip so tight on the phone that Hyunjun felt bad for it. He walked over and sat down next to him.
- Being mad for long enough?
- Who am I to be mad at him?
Justin threw the phone to the side, replying dryly. He still looked down.
- Woah, slow down. Tell me what happened.
- You knew it already.
- I don’t read minds. Talk to me before your brain explodes.
Justin signed.
- You are very annoying and nosy.
- Took you long enough to figure it out.
If you thought Justin was some damsel in distress waiting to get rescue on a pony, you were dead wrong and Hyunjun may spent the rest of this night getting mad at him instead of defusing this tickling bomb. Hyunjun’s strategy was just a combination of poking him until he talked and bothering enough so Justin just stopped being sad. Or so he thought.
- I rang him ten times. He did not pick up. Then he switched his phone off.
James picked up when he was on the toilet. He picked up when he was on the mountain filming a music video. Jihoon’s message was burning in his pocket.
- He was with his boyfriend.
Justin did not seem to respond at first. He kept tapping the floor with his knuckles.
- Jihoon told you?
- Yes, Jungwon hyung called saying they are official.
A laugh rang out. Tired. Bitter. Sharp and full of edges. His line of defense when heart got hurt and pride bruised. He leaned back on his hands, staring at the ceilings.
- They told you all twice, and told me none. I am very much capable of listening and understanding.
- Don’t look at the lights, your eyes will hurt.
Hyunjun raised his hand to cover his eyes, but he felt tears and wet eyelashes. Justin grabbed his hand, he looked pale and ruined as if his blood was drawn dried, or his heart ripped out of his chest. He whispered, scared of his own words.
- If I love him so much, then why does it hurt so much more?
Hyunjun thought their heart broke at the same time. The pain shot up and he was scrambling to hold him in his arms. His shoulder was damp in minutes, Justin was shaking all over again.
It was not the first time that he had cried. They had been on and off for months, especially after James’s debut and clues that others kept hinting for Justin to just get it. To understand it, to ask no questions, to just slowly disappear like ghosts. But Justin was everything but compliant. He was stubborn, and he would rather hurt and cry and got an answer than sucking it up and going backstage.
But then he was just a boy longing for his love. Justin did not hold back tears. He laughed with tears in his eyes, he bawled out seniors’ concert so much that he earned a reputation. However, when it came to ‘’him’’, he only cried when the pain shut down his system and burned down the last piece of logic. Hyunjun always hated seeing him cry. He had held him through so much tears and wet shoulder because they anchored each other, but his heart bled seeing him consumed with jealousy, insecurity, pain and guilt. He felt his last sanity string snapped.
Justin went cold in his hand. He was on the fifth ‘’I’m so terrible, I should have been better and I did not deserve him at all. What did I do wrong please tell me’’ mantra when Hyunjun cupped his face in his hands. He brushed away the tears on his cheeks until they stopped falling and the heat from his palms warmed some colour back into Justin’s face. Justin's eyes were red-rimmed and he sniffled.
- I don’t need your love to survive. I need you to survive. Don’t say you are anything less, there is nothing taken away from you.
Justin choked.
- My heart.
I have only known him. And if everything is nothing in the end, then what do I even know?
- Then we find it back for you.
Or I can give you mine.
Justin pressed closer. He mumbled.
- Hyunjun-ah, why are you crying?
….
They sat in silence for God knows how long, then Hyunjun stretched. He let out the loudest and most disappointed sign ever, scooting closer to Justin. Leaning forward, he pinched his cheeks blushed from all the crying and stained with tears.
- Head up, cry baby. We will find you someone hotter than your ex, you ex’s new boyfriend, and both of them combined. As hot as that steakhouse you like, because we are crashing in with Hamin’s wallet and the only thing you stomach is ribeye and none of that sad shit.
If hyungs thought Hyunjun was in charge of damage control, they were dead wrong. Peace was an option he entertained from time to time, but pure chaos with extra craziness sprinkled and a side of drama was more of his style. Naming Justin red panda was cute; however, Hyunjun would argue that now he looked more like a sullen, sour and drenched ragdoll with bloodshot eye and wet fur than the fluffy round boy. Honestly, he did not like it.
And when he was not having it, entered all the teenage girls’ prom nights and post-break-up glowup or whatever dramatic things he had been binging.
Justin looked at him dead in the eye.
- Who?
The thing was, he and Justin tapped in the same sanity reserve, which meant that when one lost the plot, the other had to stay sane for the both. It should have been Hyunjun stepping up today, especially when Justin’s situationship just soft-ditching him after four years of tiptoeing around each other. Unfortunately, the thread of sanity slipped right through his hands.
- Well, me I guess? We would look dope af on Instagram story with a fine-dining background. Or if you are into parading around the building, I recommend Hamin, he always looks ready for red carpet. Daniel hyung is so on board with this that he would give you good money to film a sexy duo dance. Songha hyung can play sports if you want athletic guys and Hanbi hyung serves bonus points since he draws so well.
Daniel hyung always said they were on the same emotional (and weird) wavelength with each other, and maybe he was right because Hyunjun really felt Justin’s dramatic semi breakup getting bluetoothed to him in real time. He stopped waving his hand around like a passionate lecturer and scratched his head.
Justin was so stunned that he did not even sniff once, so Hyunjun counted it as a win.
He looked up at Hyunjun, and laughed softly. Tears sparkled in his eyes. They still carried the shattering heart and broken pieces of history, but the sharp edges melted under the warm lightning.
- I love your ridiculous ass, you know?