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River re-enters him life jest like she appeared in it for the first time: with a message on a psychic paper. Signed with ‘xo’, of course, but she – and he – wouldn’t have it any other way. He doesn’t tell Clara where they’re going – the last time they talked about River, she seemed just a bit too eager to meet her for his taste. He doesn’t want to give her any time to prepare herself. Prepared Clara is certainly worse than unprepared Clara, right?
He follows the coordinates, entering them in the right order and he thinks that even the TARDIS must feel that they’re going to meet River, because she arrives at the place without any problems, landing smoothly... wherever they are. He checks the screen quickly – oh, that’s interesting. Amistria V. 33rd century. What possibly could River be doing here? Well, he is most certainly going to find out any second now, judging by the angry shouts and the sound of shooting coming closer and closer to the TARDIS. He barely has time to smooth his clothes and rake his fingers through his hair – Clara’s looking at him with curiosity – before running to the door and opening it for River. She falls into his arms – like so many times before – and pushes him to the ground. He finds himself nearly smothered by her cleavage and if he’s to be honest that would be probably one of the best cause of death ever. Scratch that. It would be certainly the best cause of death in the entire universe. He moves his hands, trapped between their bodies and runs them lightly over River’s arms, her waist and the lower- and...
And then he feels a plasma blast heating the air near his ear, passing him with a hiss and implanting itself in a wall of his ship. Then another one. And another.
‘Sweetie,’ River’s voice sounds slightly amused, ‘as much as I love the groping that you have going on, I think we better leave it for later. The shooting is kind of anti-climatic and we don’t want that, do we?’
It’s not River’s voice or the few next plasma bullets scorching the floor next to his leg that makes him get up and quickly close the door. No. It is Clara’s snort that made him come back to reality. A snort that sounded like ‘oh, you are so whipped’. Which is not true, he is most definitely not whipped – he simply appreciates his wife. A lot.
He snaps his fingers and the door snaps shut. With a quick kiss to his cheek, River gets up from him and hands for the console. Clara stares at her, wide-eyed with a small smile playing on her lips, but fortunately, she decides to help him get up first. It’s only then when he fully sees the damaged done to the TARDIS.
‘River!’ he exclaims. ‘There are burn marks all over the floor!’
‘Well, maybe if instead of feeling me up, you’d shut the door quicker, that wouldn’t be a problem now,’ she blinks innocently, but he knows better. Innocence doesn’t leave five plasma marks in the floor.
‘River... What happened? Why was a small army of – of what exactly – chasing you? What did you do this time?’
‘Aren’t you going to introduce us, sweetie?’ River changes the subject quickly, looking at Clara.
‘But we know each other,’ Clara starts, voice unsure. ‘We met before. At-‘
‘Spoilers!’ River exclaims. ‘You might have met me, dear, but I haven’t met you. You cannot tell me anything about our first meeting. Well, your first meeting with me. Now. Professor River Song,’ she says extending her hand to Clara.
‘Clara,’ Clara says, nearly tripping over her feet to take River’s hand in hers. ‘Clara Oswald. I travel with him.’
‘So I see,’ River says warmly and he notes that Clara hasn’t let of her hand yet. ‘Having fun?’
‘A bit. But he’s just an old man and it can get a bit boring here,’ she replies. ‘Hope you can make it a bit more... exciting?’
River laughs at this.
‘That I can promise you,’ she says with a wink. ‘Now, excuse me, I have to talk to the Doctor.’
‘Okay, okay, get the married thing on,’ Clara says, waving her hand. ‘He’s been moping a bit. I think you should know that.’
‘What?’ the Doctor exclaims. ‘I haven’t been moping! I don’t mope!’
‘Of course you don’t, sweetie,’ River says patiently and Clara rolls her eyes. ‘Time lords don’t mope. Now, where are we?’ she says, taking her diary out of a small pocket in her utility belt. ‘Manhattan. I guess we must’ve done that.’ she eyes him warily. He nods.
‘I’ve also done Listuria. And the deadly vampires. Not fish vampires, not this time. The cat vampires,’ he adds quickly.
‘Hmmm, we’re surprisingly in sync,’ she smiles.
‘Now, River. May you be so nice and explain why were you chased by an angry mob?’
‘Oh. That,’ her smile falters a little, but not for long. ‘You know how it is. Sometimes you find something you like and you want it for yourself, but it turns out that the other people like it was well. It can lead to... disagreements.’
‘River,’ he says and tries to remember how many times they had this discussion. He never thought that he’d have to scold her, even when she’s a professor. ‘Please, tell me you didn’t steal some valuable artefact again.’
‘’Steal’ is a bit of a strong word, don’t you think?’ she replies. ‘Besides, I have a much more better place of this thing that they had. Can you believe that they put The Unholy Crystal Oracle in the kitchen?’
‘River, just because you are a professor of archaeology,’ he hisses these last words out, because archaeology, ‘it doesn’t mean you can’t just steal things, because you have a better use for them! It doesn’t work like that!’
‘Is that so?’ she says with an raised eyebrow. Oh-oh. He might be in trouble. ‘This way, just because you are a time lord doesn’t mean you can steal a TARDIS.’
‘I borrowed her!’
‘You most definitely stole her, Doctor,’ Clara’s voice rings loud and clear in the room. ‘I know that.’
‘Do you?’ River turns around and purrs at her, much to Clara’s joy. ‘Now, now. I like you, dear. And I have a feeling that we are going to get on splendidly well.’
This can’t be good. This absolutely cannot be good and-
‘Oh, I am sure we will,’ Clara replies with a smirk that can only be described as naughty. ‘I will make sure of it.’
This is definitely bad.
This is a beginning of a disaster.
____
It starts so subtly that it takes him some time to notice it. He was prepared that it might happen – Clara had said that she would try to get River’s attention, but he never thought she would be serious about it.
So serious.
But before he notices what is happening, her plan is already in motion, but it’s barely detectable. Clara is really sly when she wants to be.
She always stands close to River, always asks for her an opinion or asks her questions she would normally ask him. And River happily answers and explains everything to her: from the history of Glimria XVI to the monetary system of Masihia. She even asks River to teach her how to fly the TARDIS.
(He almost gets a cardiac arrest when he hears that, because nothing good happened the last time when Clara tried to learn that particular skill. Not that she remembers it. But still: it was not good. It was quite bad. Actually, it was A Very Bad Thing.)
But River is River and the TARDIS is putty in her capable hands. She achieves The Impossible Thing: not only she teaches Clara the basics of flying the TARDIS, but she also manages to make the Old Girl accept her.
He is not jealous. He is not jealous of the fact that his ships favours his wife. He is not jealous that the TARDIS finally warmed up to Clara. He is not jealous that River spends a lot of time with Clara. And he is most definitely not jealous that Clara slowly but steadily wins River’s affection.
He’s not jealous at all.
____
‘River, we need to talk.’
‘Do we really have to talk now? There are so many more interesting things we could be doing, Doctor.’
‘Yes, well, I know. But it’s important.’
‘No. Not again. You cannot adopt a chicken.’
‘What? No, that’s not what I’ve been- But River, why? Chickens are cool! And we could build him a small nest in the TARDIS, and take him on adventures and-‘
‘No.’
‘But River, he would be tiny and you wouldn’t even notice him!’
‘Doctor. One more word about poultry and you will be sleeping along tonight. Now. Can we stop talking and start doing things?’
‘Yes- No, wait, River! We have to talk about something.’
‘Okay. Just make it quick.’
‘It’s about Clara. I think she has a crush on you. River, why are you laughing?’
‘Sweetie, I am laughing because you are an idiot.’
‘I am not! She has! She’s been trying to pick you up! Stop laughing, it is not funny!’
‘Honey, really. You are being ridiculous. Clara is perfectly lovely and nice to me, but that’s all.’
‘No! She’s trying to-to-to- She’s trying to steal you!’
‘Is she?’
‘Yes! And you don’t see it, because you are blinded by her tininess!!’
‘Tininess?’
‘She’s like a-a... She’s like a pixie Bambi!’
‘... Did you just compare your companion to an animated fictional character?’
‘Well, it’s a good comparison.’
‘Sweetie, Bambi was male.’
‘That’s not the point, River!’
‘And what is the point? Because forgive me, I cannot see it over your chin.’
‘Oi! That’s rude! My chin is perfectly fine! And if I recall correctly, you really like my chin in certain moments!’
‘I certainly like it more when these moments happen, not when we just talk about them, sweetie. But back to the point that you were trying to make. Quite helplessly if I may say.’
‘The point is that she is a small and evil culprit that is trying to take you away from me!’
‘Okay, that was overdramatic. You sounded like your previous regeneration.’
‘River!’
‘Sweetie. Calm down.’
‘I am calm.’
‘Try to be even calmer.’
‘Fine.’
‘Okay. Now, I’ll let you in on a secret, but you can’t repeat it to anyone. Promise?‘
‘Yes.’
‘No one will ever steal me away from you, sweetie.’
‘...’
‘Not even your really cute and pretty companion.’
‘River!’
‘Husband? Shut up.’
____
When River visits him – even though Clara insists that River visits her as well – next time, the situation gets worse. Worse for him and better for Clara.
Clara who for the past few days has been a sniffy lump. She caught a terrible cold on Kindrya. It might’ve been his fault, because he did promise her a day in space SPA on tropical asteroid, but they ended up on a planet of eternal hail, three galaxies away from the promised SPA. But really, it’s not a reason to throw him glances of death over the tissues that seem to be permanently glued to her face these days. It is also not a reason to insult him and his doctoring abilities. He is great at dealing with colds! Unfortunately, Clara does not think so.
‘No, Doctor,’ she mumbled between coughs. ‘I am not going to eat this thing and I don’t care that it’s supposed to heal me in a second. It looks slimy – sniff - and smells like a dead animal. And you’re – another cough - not even a real doctor.’
But apparently, Clara doesn’t mind River taking care of her. Of course she doesn’t.
River appears in the TARDIS with the dramatic flair she loves so much: she materialises out of thin air, with smoke and electricity crackling around her and he is quite sure that she added a few small lightings, just to make her entrance a bit more grand. Except that this time, she is not greeted by the looks of surprise and awe. This time, she’s greeted by Clara’s loud sneeze followed by her pained groan. The sound makes River turn around to face her and the second she sees Clara – huddled under a blanket, nose bright red, looking miserable – she runs to her.
‘What’s the matter, dear?’ she asks putting her hand on Clara’s forehead. ‘Why aren’t you in bed?’
Clara sniffs in response.
‘Doctor,’ River turns to him. ‘How long has she been like that? Have you tried giving her anything?’
‘I’ve been like that,’ Clara starts, voice hoarse nasal, ‘since he took us to a planet of never ending hail. He promised me a space SPA!’
‘Oh, poor you!’ River coos and briefly embraces her. ‘Come on, dear, let’s get you to bed.’
Wait, what? He’s the one who usually hears words like that. Oh. Right. She means that she needs to get Clara to bed, because she’s sick. Okay, panic over. But does she really have to be the one to put Clara in her bed? Can’t Clara go there on her own? Doesn’t he deserve to at least her a proper ‘hello’ from his wife? Come on,-
‘... it’s just a cold!’ He hears himself saying. Oh no. He did not say it out loud, did he?
‘What did you say, sweetie?’ River whips her head, still keeping Clara in a protective embrace. So he definitely said it out loud. Great.
‘It’s just a cold? It’s not like she’s paralysed, right? She can go to her own room,’ the words slip from his lips without his consent. They slip from his lips without his brain even registering them. This is definitely not good.
‘It may be just a cold, but it’s your fault, Doctor,’ River hisses out and he gulps nervously. ‘If you’d learned how to fly your ship properly, it wouldn’t have happened. Now, excuse me, I have to take care of Clara.’
He’s pretty sure he can hear Clara’s amused snort disguised as cough.
For the next few days, River takes care of Clara and nurses her back to health. She brings her food, she makes her copious amount of tea, she watches movies with her and they spend hours together just talking. He sometimes hangs out with them, but they seem to feel cozy in each others’ company that he feels like a third wheel.
(He is not jealous and he tells that River. But he also reminds her that she never took care of him when he was sick. And he is her husband.
‘Sweetie, I didn’t take care of you, because you told everyone to leave you alone, because you will surely die and regenerate any second now. And it was just a running nose.’
This time he can definitely hear Clara’s snort.)
____
He hates drama. He is a time lord, he’s over 1000 years old, he travels through time and space and rescues everyone who needs to be rescued. He gets out of dangerous situations almost every day. He has witnessed things most people will never even dream of. He has had enough drama to fill a room tardisful of TARDISes.
That’s why he wants his companions and friends to get along. Because he really doesn’t need shouting or hissy fits. The problem however is that he has the luck – or misfortune, he sometimes cannot tell the difference – of picking up and befriending the feistiest people possible. That’s why he’s always a bit hesitant about introducing them to each other – you never know how it may end. With a fight? With an ugly argument? Hair pulling?
Here’s a small spoiler: it never ends with any of these. His companions and friends always get along. Sometimes a bit too well if you ask him. Look, for example: Martha and Donna. He was sure they’ll end up fighting over him... Uhm, with each other. Not over him, definitely not over him. Nothing like that happened and they became friends the second they saw each other. Which resulted in them teaming up against him and making fun of him almost all the time. Or Rose and Sarah-Jane. Sure, they were a bit hostile at first, but then got along like a dream.
The same with River and Amy. Even before either of them knew who River is, these two were thick as thieves. Which meant that they were mostly annoying him and making fun of him. Later, when they found out who River is, the situation got even worse. Both Amy and Rory became incredibly protective of River – and that meant that they were basically blind to any of her faults and mischief. All the stern looks were always directed at him. He could almost feel Rory’s gladius hanging over his neck and he was sure that one unfriendly word from River would make Amy forget about all the sentiment she had towards him and sooner rather than later he would be buried in Ponds’ garden.
But that wasn’t the worst. No. The worst thing is when River and TARDIS team up against him. The Old Girl loves River unconditionally and she caters to her every whim. She always flies where River wants her to fly and it’s not because River’s claims that ‘I simply fly her the right way, sweetie’. No. It’s because TARDIS is playing favourites. (But he knows better than say it out loud. He still remembers how he once got into an argument with River. He might’ve insulted her chosen profession and call all of archaeology ‘idle gossip’. In hindsight, it was a really stupid thing to say. River just narrowed her eyes, huffed a little and stroked the console gently. He thought that was it. He saw how mistaken he was exactly 2 hours and 13 minutes later, when he was taking shower. There was no hot water, no matter how much he tinkered with the settings. But that did not alarm him. What made him slightly suspicious was the fact that his bath towel – a big, fluffy thing with dinosaur print – shrunk to a plain white hand towel. He knew that something was terribly wrong, when he saw that all of his clothes disappeared from his wardrobe. All of them. Every shirt, every pair of trousers, every bowtie. He spent 4 hours looking for anything he could wear. He spent another two hours begging both TARDIS and River to give him his clothes back. Before any of them relented, he had to apologise to River and promise her – out loud – that he will never insult archaeology in her presence.)
Now, River and Clara – they are an absolutely different case. First, they are not family, although you can’t label their relationship as ‘normal’. They started out being mentally linked, with River being a data ghost and Clara being, well, Clara. And even though their first meeting was brief, fast-paced and dramatic, they seemed to developed a healthy dose of respect and fondness for each other. Clara even developed a bit of a crush on River – not that he can’t blame her for that. Their later meetings only seemed to deepen said crush. But other than that – they get along splendidly well. So well that he is sometimes scared of it. It’s like they formed a group of some kind and they didn’t even think about inviting him in. They share private jokes and stories that make sense to them only. And there’s a lot of giggling involved. He suspects that the giggling may be directed at him, but he never really caught them doing that. He can’t help but feel left out.
Like now for example: they left him alone in the console room and went... somewhere. Okay, it might’ve taken him some time to notice that they are gone, but they could’ve at least left him a clue! This ship is infinite! Where is he supposed to look for them?
Luck – or TARDIS – is on his side today and he doesn’t have to look for too long. He finds them in a living room (since when there’s a loving room in the TARDIS?) – a spacious and bright room, with a few comfortable looking armchairs. They’re sitting next to each other, each of them has a glass of wine in hand and they’re talking. He thinks about interrupting them and scolding them for leaving him alone, but another thought occurs to him – they haven’t seen him yet. He can just stand here for a while and listen to their conversation. It won’t be eavesdropping, not exactly – he was just walking to get them, but he doesn’t want to interrupt them because he’s polite. He gets a bit closer to the door and listens intently.
‘I’m sorry, but I have to ask,’ he hears Clara’s hesitant voice. ‘Why exactly did you marry him?’
Oh. This again. She really doesn’t know where to stop, does he? He will have to talk with her about it.
‘You know how it is,’ River says, her voice warm and amused. ‘Sometimes things just happen. It was one of those moments. Call it a-spur-of-a-moment decision.’
This is not a response he was expecting.
‘Yeah, but he said that you married more than once! He mentioned some running into a river thing – sorry, his words, not mine. And he said something about both of you marrying Marilyn? Marilyn Monroe, I think. And he said it was a second time he married her!’
‘He still thinks it was Marilyn he married that first time? Bless him,’ River laughs quietly.
Wait. What does she mean by ‘he still thinks it was Marilyn?’ What-
‘What do you mean? He still thinks?’ Clara’s voice is curious and he has never been happier that she likes to put her nose where it does not belong.
‘It was a Christmas party. A Christmas part in Hollywood, in the 50’s,’ River starts slowly. ‘I might’ve drunk a bit too much. And he just showed up, wearing a really nice suit and I might’ve snogged him without checking the diaries.’
What?
‘I am sure you are a great kisser, but I doubt one kiss would make him mistake you with Marilyn,’ Clara says disbelievingly. ‘But you know, I can always check it. The kissing part, I mean. I am always to check things like that out. For science, of course.’
‘Of course you are, dear,’ River replies with a hint of a smile in her voice. ‘You see, there is this thing called ‘hallucinogenic lipstick’. Comes in handy, helped me to get out of trouble thousands of times. It also helped me to get to that party. And I might’ve forgotten to wipe it away before I kissed him.’
She doesn’t even sound apologetic! That bloody minx, he will tell her what he thinks about it!
‘And what happened then?’
‘Then he insisted we have to get engaged. And then married. And who was I to refuse it?’ River ends playfully.
It wasn’t like that! It was most absolutely different and he will tell her what he thinks about lying to his companion!
‘I see...’ Clara drawls. ‘But why. Why did you marry him? I mean... Look at him! He’s just a giant child!’
Clara is just asking to be taken home.
‘Well, he is a giant something, let me tell you that,’ River nearly purrs and he almost chokes on his own tongue. How can she say things like that to Clara? These are all private things! His private things to be precise!
‘Can we please not talk about this?’ Clara asks sounding a little shaken. ‘I really don’t want to be traumatised.’
‘As you wish, honey,’ River agrees. ‘But trust me, there’s a lot to talk about.’
‘That’s enough!’ Clara exclaims and he has never agreed with her more. And really, River has no shame nor decency! ‘Just stop. Please. Besides, you still haven’t answered my question! Why did you marry him? And how does this marriage even work? You only see each other from time to time.’
‘I... You get used to it. There’s no other way,’ River says, sounding a bit sombre. ‘I don’t think we could be together in any other way,’ she adds and suddenly she says much more cheerfully. ‘And you know, I always have my students to have me occupied. In all the ways possible.’
What? Did she just-
‘Do you mean what I think you mean?’
‘You know, some of them will do anything to pass my class,’ River replies suggestively. ‘Anything.’
He is not angry. Nor jealous. He isn’t! It’s just... Okay, he might be a bit jealous. And angry. Because they are married and he would never – he might kiss random people or be kissed by them, but it means nothing! And River just admitted that she- And with students! Is it even legal?
‘Students? Really, River! Students! You could do better!’ he hears himself exclaiming. Oh-oh. How did that happen? When did he leave his post by the door? Oops.
‘Oh, hello sweetie,’ River smiles, completely ignoring his outrage and Clara’s gasp. ‘Fancy that you finally decided to show yourself. Enjoyed our conversation?’
‘Did I? I- I have no idea what you’re talking about!’ She cannot know that he was there all the time, right?
‘Sweetie, I know you like to think that you are graceful, but it’s not truth. You move as heavily as an elephant. I could hear you the second you decided to eavesdrop,’ River replies with a knowing smirk on her lips.
‘I wasn’t eavesdropping, I was just-‘
‘Listening to our conversation without our consent?’ Clara quips.
‘Well, I might’ve done that! But it’s not important! You,’ he points his finger at River, ‘you have some explaining to do! Students? Really? Does the dean know about it? Because I’ll let you know that I do not approve of it, because it is highly immoral and-‘
‘Doctor,’ Clara interrupts him in the middle of the sentence. ‘That’s not-‘
‘No Clara, I know you like River, but you cannot justify this kind of a behaviour and, really, you should know better! Both of you!’
‘Doctor,’ Clara says again, this time a bit more firmly. ‘You’ve been had.’
Oh.
‘Oh,’ he says. ‘Oh.’
‘Yes, oh,’ River looks at him with her eyebrow raised and suddenly he feels like an idiot. Because how could he think that she would do something like that?
The look on his face must be something to behold, because both River and Clara burst into laughter when they look at him. It doesn’t help him to feel less stupid and he can feel himself blushing, up to the roots of his hair.
‘Oh, I hate you,’ he mumbles.
‘No, you don’t,’ they say together and laugh even louder.
____
‘Clara? Clara? Where are you? Really, you could at least- Oh, here you are.’
‘Oh. Hello. Have you been looking for me?’
‘Yes! For the last hour! And here you are: in the library! All of time and space and you are sitting in here. Not that there’s anything wrong with being in a library or with books, but there is time for everything. And now it’s time you and me go somewhere, eh?’
‘Yeah, sure. Just let me finish this chapter first.’
‘What are you reading?’
‘Nothing! Nothing. It’s just a book.’
‘What book?’
‘A normal book, Doctor.’
‘Clara. Did you snoop through the restricted area section? I told you, this one is off limits!’
‘I did not-‘
‘The books that I need there are powerful and very dangerous and you should know better than just go there without my supervision! And my protection. These books could destroy you and not only you, but the whole universe!’
‘Doctor. This is not a book from the restricted area.’
‘Oh. Okay. Fine then.’
‘But you know, to be quite honest, I expected to find some pornography in the restricted area. You know, Kama Sutra for all the species in the universe.’
‘Clara?’
‘Or at least books on taking over the universe. Things like that. Normal people would keep books like that in what they call ‘a restricted section’.’
‘Clara, did you-‘
‘But of course you are not people. No. In your restricted section you have Nicholas Sparks’ books. And Paulo Coelho’s. And John Green!’
‘Clara, I can explain-‘
‘I am surprised I didn’t find any ‘Twilight’ laying around! Or ’50 shades of Grey’. Though, this one you probably keep in your bedroom.’
‘No, it’s not like that-‘
‘You know, why didn’t you just put them in ‘crappy literature’ section? No reason to label them as ‘restricted’. But maybe they should be restricted. Or banned.’
‘No, wait, these are nice books and-‘
‘Oh my stars, are you actually a teenage girl? That would explain a lot.’
‘Clara! I am not a- Ugh! I don’t have to justify myself to you! I am time lord and-‘
‘Yeah, yeah. Sure. I get it. Now. Stop pouting. Where are we going?’
‘I’ve been thinking Gii – lovely place, a small planet, with candy floss trees! How does it sound?’
‘Great! It sounds great. Just let me-‘
‘Clara. What are you hiding there?’
‘Nothing. It’s nothing, I just...’
‘It’s the book you were reading! Show me!’
‘No!’
‘Oh just- What? ‘A basic guide to archaeology’? Where did you find it? I don’t have any archaeology books here. They’re stupid!’
‘I found it here.’
‘But why would you read it? Archaeology is rubbish! You are a time traveller now! You should point and laugh at archaeologists.’
‘Do you do that? Point and laugh at them?’
‘Of course I do.’
‘With what? Your tongue?’
‘Clara!’
‘River is an archaeologist and you really like to stick your tongue in her throat. I am just saying.’
‘That is not-‘
‘Doctor. You forget that I am not blind. You know if that is what you mean by ‘pointing and laughing at archaeologists’ then I really wouldn’t mind having a go at it myself. With River for example.’
‘Clara! She is my wife and you cannot just- just say things like that!’
‘Why not? She is an archaeologist, right? They should be pointed and laughed at and if it happens to be done with my tongue, then I am game.’
‘No, that’s not how it happens!’
‘Oh. So you put your tongue elsewhere then?’
‘What? No! Clara! We are not talking about this! And you are evading my question.’
‘What question?’
‘Why are you reading this book?’
‘I... Uhm, let’s just say I found a passion for archaeology.’
‘Why? It’s boring and rubbish and- Oh. Oh. No!’
‘’No’ what exactly?’
‘No! No! Are you trying to woo my wife by learning about archaeology?’
‘I have no idea how could you come up with something so ridiculous, Doctor.’
‘Really? Because you got me worried for a second here.’
‘Let’s just say that if River ever offers to my teacher, I’ll be a very eager student.’
‘...’
‘No matter what she decides to teach me.’
‘Clara!’
____
If there’s something he is good at – or at least he thinks he is good at – it’s flirting. He cannot help but feel that he has a natural knack for it. Okay, there are times when he is a bit awkward, but once he gets on track, nothing can stop him. He usually gets right on the track when he flirts with River. With her it comes naturally to him. No matter what they do: fight the aliens, try to save a planet or just fiddle with the TARDIS: they can always flirt perfectly well, thank you very much.
But River can flirt with anyone and anything. It’s true: he saw her flirt with Vastra. He saw her flirting with her guards at Stormcage (granted, after the flirting she knocked them out, but you know, it’s the flirting that matters). He is pretty sure that once or twice he caught her gently flirting with the TARDIS. But she’s at her best when she flirts with him and this little fact makes him incredibly giddy.
What he is not used to however, is River flirting with his companion. When the Ponds were on board it wasn’t a problem – they were all one big family, even though it was difficult to keep everything family-friendly with River around. But they managed, somehow. It’s different with Clara. Because she is not family and – and more than once she showed that she is interested in River. Over the time she got a bit more sure of herself and her... pursuit of River – which is not really a pursuit, more of a little game she plays to amuse herself and annoy him. And as River never shies away from flirting, the situation often gets... He doesn’t even know how to describe it.
Annoying.
Infuriating.
Aggravating.
Distracting.
It just bothers him, okay?
Probably more than it should but he cannot help it. Because River just appears in the TARDIS or she finds them during an adventure and just like that, the flirting begins. But now, he has to share her Flirting Time with Clara.
Not to mention that Clara becomes outrageously flirty when River does something smart. Or dangerous. Or both of these at the same time.
Like now for example: all three of them are hiding in a – thankfully spacious - broom closet. Somehow, Clara and he ended up in a 23rd century Manchester, in the biggest office building in England. At first everything seemed to be perfectly normal – the employees were polite and quiet, dutifully working in their cubicles, bodyguards standing on every floor – perfectly blending with their surroundings, almost invisible yet perfectly prepared to jump into action if it was necessary. And yet – there was something off about the place. He scans everything he can and the readings show incredibly strong neutron wave coming from... Well, everywhere. They simply have to stay and investigate now, right?
He flashes his psychic paper to one of the employees and tells him ‘take us to your boss’. It doesn’t sound nearly as good as ‘take us to your leader’, but it has to do. They’re ushered in an elevator and taken to the last floor. The corridor is ominously empty and quiet and he feels slightly uneasy walking towards the huge oak door at the end of it. He can also tell that Clara is a bit anxious – she’s clinging to his sleeve a bit too tight. He sends her a small encouraging smile. They stand before the door and the employee knocks on it. There’s no response and he looks curiously at the person who got them here. The man merely shrugs and pushes the door open.
He’s pretty sure none of them expected to see something like that.
There’s a body lying on the floor – he assumes it’s the body of the owner of the company – and someone is going through his desk. That someone has a mass of curly hair and of course – he should have expected it.
‘River!’ he exclaims and the man at the same time shouts ‘What are you doing here?’
River looks up from whatever she found – and from the look on her face he can tell it’s something important – and sighs.
‘On, not another one. Just... Let me explain,’ she straightens and walks towards them, her eyes focused solely on the man on his left. ‘Or maybe, let’s skip the explaining part,’ she says with s small smirk and kisses the guy.
He doesn’t even have the time to get jealous – and he would not be jealous, really, River has the right to snog anyone she wants to snog – because the man’s eyes water and his gaze grows unfocused.
‘The sun is shining so brightly today,’ he says, a moronic smile on his face. And then he collapses on the floor.
Oh. Hallucinogenic lipstick. That makes everything a bit better.
‘Hello sweetie,’ River says. ‘And hello Clara. What do I owe the pleasure of seeing you here?’
‘Maybe you tell us what you’re doing here? Kissing people, dressed like, like-like THAT?’ he manages to say, gesturing widely. Because how can she wear something like that? Are these clothes even legal? She’s wearing some kind of an office suit, a thing that usually don’t look flattering on anyone, but she makes them look more than good. The skirt is tight, the jacket is low-cut – and they show off her assets perfectly. She never wears something like that around him. Granted, she also wears a lot less around him, but that doesn’t change anything.
‘Well, I like it,’ Clara says and he can see her eyes raking over River’s form. ‘Very flattering.’
‘Thank you, dear,’ River smiles at her. ‘At least you appreciate me.’
‘Oh, I do, trust me. Want me to show you just how much?’
‘Maybe later,’ River winks. ‘Now, as why I am here-,’ her words are stopped by a rather loud bang coming from somewhere under them. ‘No time for explanation now. I am afraid it started. Quickly!’
She goes to the door – but first she takes out a gun that was strapped to her thigh, how on earth didn’t he notice it earlier? This skirt hides nothing and he’s sure it wouldn’t be able to hide a gun from his eyes. But then again, he cannot even see the outline of River’s knickers and- Wait. He really shouldn’t let his brain follow this particular train of thought, it may end only in a disaster. An uncomfortable disaster.
But he doesn’t have time to think anymore about it – bless, nor Clara and he have time to ask what the hell started, because they are already running, following River’s lead. She stops in front of a door, snatches his screwdriver from his pocket (‘River!’), opens the door and nearly pushes them inside.
That’s how they find themselves stuck in the same room as various brooms, mops and cleaning agents. Only when River closes the door behind them, she starts to talk. She got a whiff of the whole affair at Luna University. The dean brought her attention to an interesting dig, with artefacts from 23rd century Earth. One of the things found there was an office computer that emitted an incredibly strong wave of neutrons. Too strong for that period of time. So she did some research – ‘by research you mean coming here and kissing people?’ he grumbles under his breath but the look she shoots him, show that she heard him. She doesn’t comment instead she reports what she discovered so far.
‘Human trafficking,’ she says. ‘Literally. The Kharaxi are behind it. They kidnap the humans working here, replacing them with perfect copies. They have modified version of Autons, I believe, couldn’t really check it. I don’t know what they do with the people they kidnap – I guess they take them to their planet, use it as free work tools. Can’t be sure though. The neutron wave comes from the teleportation device, located in the boss office. The boss, who by the way is controlled by the Kharaxi. I knocked him out with my lipstick, for the link between his brain and them is broken. I guess they already know that something is wrong. Questions?’
‘I have one,’ Clara says with a small grin in her lips and somehow he feels it won’t be good. ‘Are you sure it was the lipstick that knocked him out, not your kiss?’
River laughs at that, the sound low and a bit indecent if he’s to be honest. She really shouldn’t laugh at that, especially at his companion. This is not... Well, this is not how it should be.
‘Wouldn’t you like to know, dear?’ she asks Clara with a wink.
‘I most certainly would,’ Clara replies, stepping a bit closer to her. ‘Wouldn’t mind checking it, now for example.’
He gasps as he sees River leaning towards Clara, because she surely isn’t going to-
‘I am sorry. But you are a bit too young,’ River replies in a hushed voice. Good. That’s good. ‘For now, anyway.’
Clara’s face lightens up and she’s about to reply back, with something just as naughty, he’s sure but he cannot take it any longer. Enough is enough.
‘Can you please stop?’ he says, maybe a little too quickly. ‘In case you haven’t noticed we’re trapped in a broom closet in a building full of Autons who can go on a killing spree any second now!’
‘You’re saying that only because you’re jealous,’ Clara snaps back.
‘What? No! I am saying that there is time for flirting and there’s time for saving the world and now it’s time for the latter not the former!’
‘Is that so?’ River asks him, her voice way too amused for his liking. ‘So that’s what you’ve been doing all the time? Thinking about saving the world? And here I thought you were fondling your... screwdriver.’
‘River!’ he exclaims, because how can she says things like that? Personal things? Private things? And okay, he might have thought about... But he would never, not with them in the room and-
It’s only then when he realises that he’s holding his screwdriver in his hands. His actual screwdriver, mind you. Damn River and her way of just saying things. He will have to talk with her about it, possibly without Clara present, but then again- No!
He smacks his head with his hand, nearly poking his eye out with the screwdriver that he still hold there.
‘Okay. Saving the world,’ Clara says. ‘Shall we?’
And they do. River does all the fighting and shooting, Clara comes up with the idea how to disable the Autons – he feels a bit useless with the two of them. But then again, he doesn’t mind it that much.
The end of the adventure comes too soon and River is already putting the vortex manipulator on her wrist and entering the coordinates.
‘Can’t you stay a bit?’ Clara asks her, her tone hopeful. ‘It’s always more fun with you.’
He cannot help but be glad that Clara asked this question, not him. It sounds cute when it comes out of her mouth, from him it’d sound pitiful and clingy. And River would call him a sentimental idiot. She doesn’t call Clara that, she just sends her – the both of them actually – a wide smile.
‘Can’t do, I’m afraid,’ she says. ‘But don’t worry, you’ll see me again. Quite soon.’
Her fingers hover over the button that will send her back to the University.
‘And Clara? I am really sorry about your head. And Doctor? Oh, you’ll see,’ she adds and then she’s gone.
They stand together for a while, looking at the empty spot that just a few seconds ago was full of River.
‘Okay,’ Clara says slowly. ‘What did she mean? About my head?’
‘I have no idea,’ he says and grabs her hand. ‘I guess we’ll find out.’
And oh boy, they do.
____
He should’ve known better than let Clara go to a party in the 35th century. But it’s her birthday and she looked at him with those giant doe eyes, and ask him for something ‘awesome’. He couldn’t refuse her. Besides, everyone deserves a cool birthday party, right? So he took them to B’iba, a small asteroid created by humans. It orbits around the moon and has the biggest number of pubs and bars in the universe, per citizen.
And here’s where the problem begins – he has no idea in which pub Clara is. He lost the sight of her a few hours ago – when she waved at him from across the room in a fancy and upscale club. She was heading towards a bar and chatting with a friendly looking blue-skinned alien. He turned around just to get a plate of jammie dodgers – he asked the waiter to bring them to him – and when he turned his head back, Clara was gone. At first he thought that she got lost in the crowd – she’s tiny and could easily be still here, just blocked out from his view, but he goes through the whole place and she’s just not there.
Three hours later, he is still looking for her. But he changed his tactic a bit: he’s in the TARDIS, trying to scan the whole area for Clara. The Old Girl is being unhelpful though – she displays all the humans on the asteroid and that doesn’t help him much, considering that at least one million people live here.
He runs fingers through his hair and is about to leave the TARDIS to look for Clara on foot, but the door swings open and Clara stumbles in. Or... It’s more like: she’s dragged in by River. Who else, really?
River has her hand around Clara’s waist to keep her in place, because Clara – it doesn’t seem like she’s able to walk on her own. Her gaze is unfocused, her eyes shiny and she’s hiccupping and giggling about something at the same time. There’s a party hat on her head, a drink umbrella stuck in her hair and she smells – he sniffs – like a small distillery. Clara is drunk.
Brilliant. That’s exactly what he needed – his drunk companion meeting his wife. The disaster is about to happen, he’s sure.
‘Hello, sweetie,’ River says and he notes that she sounds sober. Which doesn’t prove anything – he’d seen her drinking the biggest and meanest looking men and aliens under the table. ‘Lost something?’
Clara giggles at this.
‘’sssss, he los’ meeeee,’ she slurs. ‘He’s an ol’ man and doessssn’t know ho’ to partrrrrrry.’
‘Excuse me?’ he exclaims. ‘You’re the one who wandered off! I’ve spent the last few hours looking for you! And you’re- you’re drunk! River, really, you should know better! You know that humans cannot keep up with your drinking!’
‘Sweetie,’ River says, her voice calm but threatening. ‘That’s how I found her. You should be grateful – she was partying with Jack.’
Jack? As in-
‘As in Captain Jack?’ he gulps, because that is just no good. Drunk Clara and drunk Jack. And River. Wait a moment. ‘You know Jack? How do you know him? When did you meet? And how-‘
‘You really want to talk about it now?’ River asks raising her eyebrow and pointing at Clara who is still snuggled into her side, looking pretty content with the situation.
‘Your hair ‘s nice,’ she says to River, giggling quietly. ‘It’s like a sheeeeeeeeeep. Or s’mthing really fluffy. A fluffy sheep!’ He cannot help but snort a bit at that, because that it probably the best description of River’s hair he’s ever heard. River shoots him a look that show just how unamused by his amusement she is.
‘Okay, let’s get you to bed, dear,’ she says, tugging Clara with her.
‘Can I touch it?’ Clara looks up at River, making a swooping gesture with her hand. ‘You’ fluffy hairrrrrr.’
‘You already did, darling,’ River says patiently rolling her eyes a bit. He finds it oddly endearing, but at the same time it’s weird to see her roll her eyes at someone else than him.
‘I don’t reme’ber.’
‘It’s a miracle you remember your own name at this moment,’ River sighs. ‘Drinking 10 shots of 80% alcohol – that wasn’t very smart, you know? You’re not Russian. Or Polish.’
80% alcohol? Blimey, they do know how to party here.
‘How did she even get these shots? Aren’t they banned for people under 30?’ He asks. River just looks at him.
‘Jack,’ they say at the same time.
‘He wa’ niiiiice,’ Clara says through her hiccup. ‘V’rry nice.’
‘Of course he was,’ River nods. ‘Now. It’s time for you to go to bed. Come on. Doctor, why don’t you fetch a glass of water and some painkillers for this poor girl? She will have a killer hangover in the morning.’
They take a few steps towards the corridor – Clara still pressed into River’s form, her hand draped loosely around her waist. He walks behind them, thinking about all the ways he could tease Clara about this night, when he sees her hand drifting lower and lower. Suddenly, she puts her hand or River’s arse and squeezes.
He’s pretty sure he’s the one who yelps louder.
‘Clara!’ he exclaims. ‘You cannot do things like that!! You-you, that’s not- Clara!’
The only response is another giggle from Clara and an exasperated sigh from River. She takes Clara’s hand and puts it back on her waist.
‘You did it again,’ she says to her, with a hint of smile on her lips. ‘That’s very naughty. Don’t make me spank you.’
‘River!’ now it’s turn to shout at her. She cannot just say things like that to his companion when he’s present! Wait, she cannot say things like that to his companion, stat.
‘Sweetie, I can handle it,’ River says to him over her shoulder. ‘And don’t worry, you’ll always be the only one who can spank me,’ she adds and laughs at the blush on his face. ‘I am going to get little Miss Handsy to her room and you bring there all the things I asked you to, okay?’
When he enters Clara room a few minutes later, she is already in her bed, sleeping soundly. River is sitting by her side, trying to get all the various items out of her hair. There’s the drink umbrella on the bedside table, but there’s also a handful of confetti and two – no, three – giraffe shaped drink stirrers. He has to admit – Clara can party. And it’s all fine as long as she doesn’t grope his wife.
You don’t just grope someone’s wife, right?! There must be a rule about it.
‘Oh, here you are,’ River whispers as he sets a tray with a glass of water and painkillers on the table. ‘The second she fell into bed, she was dead to the world. She will suffer tomorrow, poor dear,’ she combs her fingers through Clara’s hair gently.
‘Thank you,’ he says. ‘For taking care of her. I couldn’t find her and I didn’t know what to do. I just looked away for a second and she was gone!’
‘It’s okay, sweetie. I got her,’ River responds with a smile.
‘And what are you even doing here?’ he asks, because that has been troubling him for some time. ‘Were you at a party? With friends? With-, uhm, you know, if you want to return there, that’s alright. I won’t keep you here if you have somewhere to be. Or if someone is waiting for you, I mean, that’s alright and you know, it’s fine,’ he finishes awkwardly.
‘Oh, you idiot,’ River says amused. ‘How do you think I got here and landed in the exact same bar as Clara? Someone,’ she stresses, looking at him pointedly, ‘sent me a message to go to Club Kash-mir and save his companion. Do you have any idea who could that person be?’
He’s good. He really is good, isn’t he?
‘Well,’ he says, straightening his bow tie. ‘My future self is pretty smart, isn’t he? That was a brilliant idea.’
‘It was, sweetie,’ River says, getting to her feet and sauntering towards him. She kisses his cheek and lets him pull her into his embrace. ‘But you know what? I think that both you present and future self owe me something for saving your companion, don’t you think?’
He gathers her closer and smiles against her hair.
‘I definitely agree with you, professor Song,’ he whispers into her ear. ‘Now, let me take you somewhere,’ River giggles a bit at this, the naughty woman, ‘and show you how grateful I am.’
They exit Clara’s room quietly, holding hands, their fingers intertwined together. They’re about to enter their room, when he remembers something else. And he needs to ask her now, because he’s sure that in a few minutes he won’t remember his own name.
‘River,’ he says stopping her hand from pushing the door handle. ‘How do you know Jack?’
River just looks at him, an amused expression on her face.
‘Right,’ he sighs. ‘Spoilers.’
‘You know how it is,’ she adds. ‘Some stories have to be lived.’
She opens the door to their bedroom, but he knows that there’s something else he wants to ask her and- Yes. There is it.
‘River,’ he starts again, suddenly feeling unsure. ‘Uhm... Clara... She won’t do that again? I don’t mean the disappearing part, because I am sure it will happen, but you know,’ he looks at her, but she only looks at him with confusion written all over her face. So he tries again. ‘She won’t do that thing to you again, right? That...,’ he takes a breath. ‘You know what I mean! You know, that thing she did with her hand and your- She won’t grope you again, will she?’
‘Oh honey,’ River all but purrs at him. ‘This one definitely has to be lived.’