Chapter Text
*September 24th, 2001*
The more times Kel reread the questions on his test, the less he understood them. It was like his brain was erasing the meaning behind words, unable to interpret the English language as he was unable to interpret what Sunny had told them back at the hospital. What point was there in taking some dumb math test right now? Everything could change in an instant, without his permission, without anyone’s permission.
*What proof do you have that however hard you try is going to matter in the end? That it will ever matter at all?*
“Ten minutes,” his teacher called out to the class, interrupting Kel’s train of thought. She made her way around the room, glancing at students, who all seemed to have at least something on their paper. Kel tried to shift his arm to keep his hidden, but it was obvious she had noticed the lack of even his name written in the upper corner. *Whatever,* he crumpled the paper, loudly and obviously. He wasn’t ashamed. Kel didn’t care one bit that words didn’t make sense anymore, nothing had changed, he didn’t care.
When the bell rang that afternoon, releasing the hundreds of entrapped teenagers from their cells, Kel sprung up, practically sprinting by the time he reached the nearest exit. He almost bumped into a few people here and there, definitely got scolded by a hallway monitor, but he remained unperturbed. After catching his breath in the parking lot, he began jogging past the buses, making his own way toward Faraway Park. It was easier to run without a backpack, and once he’d started going back to school a couple of weeks ago, it’d been rotting untouched in his locker. The park wasn’t his goal though, he ran right through it, not stopping to engage with anyone else, and into the trees on the other side. Only then did he slow down to a more sustainable pace, meandering through the narrowing paths within the small forest. He ignored the poison ivy, uncertain that was even what it was, though it was fun to pretend. Basil would know, but he wasn’t about to ask.
He walked on for a bit until he reached a small clearing, patches of clovers spattered across the ground. Dropping down onto his knees, Kel brushed his hands through the soft flowering buds of green, lazily scanning each one, determined to find a four-leaf. Today his search seemed fruitless, and he gave up, opting to lay down with his eyes closed instead. It had become his daily routine, the long lapses of silence replacing hours of conversation his days used to be filled with. He’d lost the energy for it, lost the energy for most things, even though it just felt to him like he was the laziest, most selfish person on the planet. Not that it should have mattered, which made him feel worse. He really couldn’t fix anything. Trying not to dwell on the thoughts was useless, Kel discovered, as was trying to move on. It was all useless, because no matter how much effort someone put into trying to be happy, someone else could come and swoop the rug right out from under you, and you couldn’t even blame them, because the rug had really just been hiding the truth underneath of it. It made him feel all the more stupid, knowing that he didn’t know what he was sure he did, right down to the bare facts.
There were voices in the distance, a lot of them it seemed. Kel recognized them as Aubrey and her gang, or friend group. Another thing he’d learned recently, was that her ‘gang’ was more just a group of kids trying to impress each other, mostly Aubrey. He smiled to himself, knowing that while she didn’t think of herself as much, she was the closest thing to Mari there was. It was probably why he was lying in secret, yards away, instead of joining in. Maybe he could have, but it was too late now, he’d already been avoiding things for too long. Aubrey wouldn’t forgive him a second time, she shouldn’t have to. So instead of doing what was right, he let the world slip through his fingers, gradually losing any sense of meaning or motivation that he formerly carried.
He listened to life happen around him, animals chirping and scuttling, the trees brushing against themselves, and the distant presence of human life. It was almost too much, but it was all Kel could handle, and he didn’t want to lose anymore truths.
Ants and beetles crawled all around him, unseen as they made themselves at home. Sometimes spiders would crawl over him too, and it was one of those times when Kel appreciated his lack of fear toward bugs. He rather enjoyed them, not inside of his house, but the fact they existed at least. They weren’t pretty, and they weren’t strong enough to withstand whatever fate humans bestowed unto them, but they continued anyways, driven by the innate will of consciousness to continue. He wondered how they did it, being so underappreciated and yet so important. Maybe they didn’t need to feel appreciated, because they were just doing what they wanted.
He hoped they were doing what they wanted, although he wasn’t sure why he cared about that, and not about killing them. Once his brain began rattling off other confounding questions (like, why did a human’s consciousness matter so much more than a bug’s? And if the answer to that was just perspective, then hadn’t he killed off a hundred times as many existences than Sunny had?) Kel decided it was time to move.
Stretching forward, he reached the tips of his shoes, grabbing onto them and counting to twelve. He then went through a randomized routine of stretches before he decided enough was enough, making his way through the significantly darker forestry. He managed to lengthen his walk home from its typical ten minutes to a whole hour, taking roundabout streets and stopping for a while to pet some cat. Once he made it home, he was beyond hungry, rummaging through the plastic containers of leftovers in the fridge before pulling out some cake. Not the healthiest thing to eat for dinner, but it wasn’t like he would be playing basketball anymore… or doing the slightest bit of work in any class. Without his parents constantly on his tail about good grades and maintaining an active lifestyle, it had been hard to feel like those things were important anymore. As long as they weren’t hounding him, he certainly wouldn’t complain, even if it did feel a bit like they’d given up on him.
Kel decided he couldn’t stomach any more, and pushed the cake to the back of the fridge for tomorrow night. Kicking his shoes off by the shoe rack in his living room, he fell back onto the couch, turning the television on some random cartoon channel so that he could stay distracted while he tossed and turned in a restless effort to find sleep. He’d get a few hours most likely, before perceiving the sound of his dad getting ready for work, or Sally’s cries, or his mom’s voice. Cognizance that he wasn’t sure belonged to him would wrestle with dreaming, before finally pulling him out of that limbo and into another. His life felt reminiscent of purgatory now, just pure existence. Except, he hoped this wasn’t purgatory, because even purgatory had to contain something different than this, some sort of base change that made life here different from death somewhere else.
Without telling himself to do it, he hopped into the shower, sitting under hot water for what felt like too long and not long enough, before crawling out. Getting dressed was about the only time he entered his room now, besides the rare occasions he slept in Hero’s bed. For some reason, it didn’t feel like his own room anymore, so instead of intruding, he stole clothes from the dresser and did the laundry in weekly routine, making sure to fold everything as neatly as he could. The rest of ‘his’ room stayed a mess, as no one told him to clean it, and it had been like that for so long, Kel couldn’t bring himself to disturb what felt like an exhibit of another’s prehistoric existence. Maybe it was just an excuse, but he didn’t dwell on any of his thoughts long enough to solve them, knowing that he never solved anything in the first place so what was the point in trying.
Days were no longer separate, nor did experiences ensue in a linear order. Kel was sure they never had to begin with, he continued though, unsure of what other options remained (if he was worthy of them, if he could ever want them like he used to). He wasn’t ready to discover the answers to those questions, if they had answers. Instead, he bid his parents goodbye and caught the morning bus for school. Kel found himself wishing he had missed the bus, or gotten sick and stayed home, or pretended to be sick or something because there was no way this was happening. Not right now, not right here, he wasn’t ready! He wasn’t sure he’d ever be ready, he’d certainly never been ready for anything else. It just confused him, why people always did the last thing he expected. Kel would have bet anybody one million dollars that Basil would never show his face at school again, and yet here he was, standing in front of him, *talking to him.*
“I… huh?” Kel’s mouth moved on its own, interrupting the blonde’s anxious rambling.
Basil’s teeth clacked shut, “Uhm, it’s okay, never mind…”
They stared at each other for a few seconds longer, and maybe if this were Kel before he knew the truth, he would have found something to say. Something to make the awkward situation less tense, but this was Kel now, and he couldn’t fathom how on Earth Basil had mustered up the courage to come to school, much less strike up casual conversation with him.
“It’s no use,” a voice he internally recognized as Aubrey spoke, “Come sit over here, with Charlie and I.”
Just like that, Basil was gone, as though he’d never been there. Kel listened to the classroom chatter soften as their first period teacher began addressing them. Someone passed out papers several minutes after the lecture, although his slid to the floor and he made no move to pick it up. He was frozen, and the lack of want to be anything else kept him there, even as his peers worked and moved around him, even as they packed up and the bell rang. Kel was sure that Aubrey and Basil had been talking about him, as though he was the one who’d made some horrible mistake and not-
Had he made a horrible mistake? He wondered absently, watching the crowd of teenagers muddle through the door. Pink hair escaped his view, and he wondered why it felt like he had just lost something important. He watched her walk out of first period every day, yet today felt different, for the first time in months, Kel felt different. There was blood in his mouth. He swallowed the droplets down before finally pushing himself out of his seat and out the door. A few doors away, second period loomed, but all he could think about was the idea of Basil trying to talk to him. More focused on the boy himself, he had stupidly missed everything he said, instigating awkwardness and surely demolishing whatever chance they had at rekindling their friendship. Kel found himself heading toward the cafeteria doors instead, a heavy pressure in his chest creating heat; he remembered hearing about a woman dying from ‘internal combustion’ (was it called that?) and hoped it was something of the sort. Even if the prospect brought him further unease, would it have been so bad? What was he really doing here anymore?
Aubrey said it best, it was no use. He was no use. He was useless.
Heat spread throughout his body, into his limbs and to the tips of his fingers. It all made him so angry, why should he have to be useful? When had he ever been? Thinking back, everything he’d done for others was really the opposite of what they’d wanted, even in trying his best to help, Kel was seemingly incapable of improving literally any situation. Memories he had been trying hard to bury began resurfacing, overwhelming his brain with facts, like how he was rude to Hero for no reason, how he was disappointing his parents, how he was hurting Aubrey by ignoring her, how he hadn’t talked to Sunny and Sunny hadn’t made any move to talk to him, how he’d been wrong about Basil all along.
None of it mattered anymore. Not to him, he couldn’t even bring himself to pretend to care about getting better. Instead, he failed everyone who just wanted him to be happy. Why was it so easy for them? He thought, before berating himself, *it wasn’t easy, they were just better at it. They try harder, they deserve it, you don’t.* What he deserved, he wasn’t sure, but it certainly wasn’t to continue life as he had before, as everyone else was trying to do. For some reason, nothing changed after Sunny and Basil confessed what they had done, it seemed everyone was able to make something of the situation, everyone had been able to do something, and yet here he was, stuck inside his own body that still felt thirteen years old.
Nothing had changed, he told himself, *nothing.* For whatever reason, it made him feel less alone, like telling himself that nothing had changed would somehow restore the hope and strength his former self pretended to embody. Kel didn’t want to be here, in Faraway town, at Faraway Park, but he had no energy to walk around school, not with Basil and Aubrey lurking. He had no energy for practice, not with the amount of yelling and working together and paying attention he had to force himself to do. There were no questions he was dying to ask, no conversation he felt keen on having, nowhere he wanted to go, nothing he wanted to do. He felt like there was nothing inside him anymore, like he was just an empty body, wearing a corpse’s face. Kel just wanted this to stop, whatever state had possessed him recently, yet it felt less like losing control than finding himself underneath. He wondered if he’d always been this tired, and if the rug Sunny and Basil had pulled out from under him was somehow attached to his conscience. Without it, there was nothing telling him to smile, no obligation to help others smile, no hope that one day, Hero would smile like when Mari was around. His expectations were daft, childish, and did far more harm than good, but without them, years of himself were left with nowhere to go.
Hours later, he awoke, shivering violently in the wet grass. He’d found his way to the usual clearing he felt comfortable enough collapsing in, and must have fallen asleep, which wasn’t too unusual in itself, but this time, his body seemed to have exhausted itself, and he only awoke due to the gentle rain cascading down through the trees. It had gotten dark, but beyond dark, was the gentle blue of a foreshadowed sunrise. *What time is it?*
Lured by the prospect of warmth and food, Kel began making his way out of the woods, or trying to at least. It was extremely difficult to even move, a migraine had begun pounding within his skull, and alongside it came nausea from even the slightest movement. He wondered if he was going to throw up before he made it home, and, squinting into the darkness, which way that was exactly. Usually it wasn’t too hard to find his way back, it’d become a subconscious habit, taking a specific route in and out of the miniature forest. Today seemed determined to fuck him though. Kel struggled through the wind, around trees, and nearly tripped over roots several times. He was shoved suddenly to the ground by another intense wave of hurt. Something inside of his body was going wrong, really wrong, and it hurt to move. Pitifully, he crawled forward, toward the nearing treeline, hoping that once he reached it, he’d find the strength to continue home. Even if his parents would be pissed at him for not coming home until the middle of the night, it wasn’t as though there was anything they could do to him anymore. You can’t take away games someone doesn’t play, or keep them from hanging out with friends they don't have. All they could really do now was try to make him feel bad, but he’d felt worse before, and he’d feel worse again. Feeling bad was just about the only constant in life, so he clung to it like a lifeline, hoping that if he let himself drown in the hurt that maybe he’d recognize the pattern of another variable he’d missed, something to make the pain worth it; to at least make it worth smiling and laughing again, to continue trying to make others smile and laugh.
Damn… He really thought he’d been good at that but, he was just playing pretend.
Through the trees, Kel crawled until he stumbled into a different clearing, not the exit like he’d hoped, but at least somewhere he knew. At least it was real, he acknowledged, making slow movements toward the familiar and unfamiliar shapes. There was a big body of water in the distance, a memorial in its center, although Kel couldn’t remember what for. He crawled past it, toward the gross muddy quilt Aubrey and her gang had left here, establishing it as their territory if anyone else were to come across it. There were some toys scattered here and there as well as a pair of socks someone had forgotten. He didn’t mind the mess, making himself as comfortable as he could on the crusty blanket, folding half of it over himself. He could feel his head pounding still, and already sensed the cramp forming in his neck, but ignored them. Soaking up the pain, soaking up the cold, Kel found comfort in his own discomfort, letting the human-perceived grossness of his surroundings cradle him. It felt as though something was slotted into the empty version of his heart, and instead of a blood pumping organ, it relied on something just as consistent, that Kel couldn’t do anything he wanted. He could only accept the pain life put him through.