Chapter Text
Pain; all he could feel was an immense, crushing pain. Every time he faced his brother, it was as if he regressed into a powerless little boy all over again. The adult he was supposed to be becoming lost all his independence. It was such a sickening feeling; everything he thought he understood suddenly lost its value.
He Cheng waited by his car with his arms crossed, radiating a presence so intimidating that the few late-night pedestrians walking along the sidewalk preferred to cross the street. Without even being asked, He Tian climbed into the passenger seat, slamming the door shut. Inside, the car was warm, a sharp contrast to the winter gales that were becoming more and more frequent.
Cheng drove for a long time in complete silence, and He Tian, who had zero desire to see him, made no effort to strike up a conversation either. His brother carried a somber aura, and his black suit complemented the grim picture perfectly. He Tian understood the reason for this unexpected visit. He closed his eyes and leaned his head against the freezing window.
He just hoped Mo was okay; had he made it home yet? He checked his phone—not a single new notification; he tucked it back into his pants pocket and settled back into his seat.
"It's Father, isn't it?"
He Cheng gripped the steering wheel tighter.
"You need to be prepared for what comes next".
They didn't exchange a single word for the rest of the trip, each trying to make sense of their own internal battles. The only thing breaking the silence was the faint music from the radio, which served as a hollow lullaby for He Tian. He didn't want to think about anything. He fell asleep taking for granted that this was the end.
The school was unusually quiet compared to normal; the commotion from the previous week’s festival had completely faded away. But that peace didn't even last until the first break, where Mo Guan Shan found himself swarmed by groups of girls throughout the entire recess. Every single group asked about He Tian's absence. On top of that, his other two friends refused to leave his side for even a second.
"You definitely know something, Redhead," Jian Yi insisted, sticking to him like a leech. "Where’s that animal He Tian?"
"Call the zoo, they’ll give you all the info," Mo snapped, pushing him away. "I'm going to the bathroom. Don't follow me".
He dodged a small duo of girls approaching him dangerously, slipping through the courtyard to the back of the gym, one of the few spots in school that was always empty. It was a spot He Tian had shown him and one Jian Yi wouldn't suspect, though he wasn't entirely sure about Zheng Xi. But it didn't matter; as long as he was with Jian, that would be the last place they'd look.
It was already the fifth time he had checked his phone without knowing what he expected to find. A call? A text? Some little sign of life? Nothing, just his default lock screen wallpaper.
He sat on the stairs and breathed in the fresh air, hearing the bell ring in the background to signal the end of break. His next class was math, and even though he needed to bring his grades up in that subject, he decided to skip it, staying right where he was. He had the same bitter sense of worry he felt whenever he saw his exhausted mother come home from her underpaying job. Powerless and useless.
Using his hoodie as a pillow, he lay down on the hard, damp concrete and stared up at the increasingly cloudy sky, waiting for something to happen. He checked his phone a few more times and tried to convince himself that this was just another one of his friend's whims. But his gut told him otherwise, considering the "See you at school" He Tian had told him the night before. And he never broke his word.
"Fuck, I don't even know why I'm doing this," Mo muttered to himself, stepping out of the convenience store with a plastic bag dangling from his hand.
Using his breakfast, lunch, and dinner money for the day, Mo had bought enough medicine to fight off even the worst flu, along with the perfect ingredients for a very hearty meal. He went up to the top floor of He Tian's apartment block, knocked on the door, and waited for a long time. He knocked again, but no one answered; two, three more times.
After standing there for half an hour, someone appeared in the hallway—an old neighbor of He Tian's, who eyed him suspiciously.
"The owner of that apartment left last night; I don't think he's been back since," she informed him. "Now I think you should leave before I call the super on you for acting sketchy".
He left more confused than before, without a single clue about his disappearance other than that vague piece of information—would that even be enough to file a missing person report? He headed home, trying not to break down on public transit due to his utter confusion, and after a long commute, he finally arrived.
His mother was meticulously cleaning the living room, and upon noticing his arrival, she stopped to come over and greet him. He felt her thin arms wrap warmly around him.
"Oh, you bought a bunch of stuff. What for?" she asked, taking the bag of groceries. "Is everything okay, sweetie?"
Her analytical motherly gaze examined him when she noticed him looking down; Mo bit his lip and let out a long sigh.
"Nothing, Mom. Just another bad grade," he lied, walking past her.
"Are you sure that's all? You know you can tell me anything".
He stopped halfway down the hall, right next to the bathroom door. She knew him too well to believe he was the kind of person to get depressed over an academic failure.
"Yeah, positive, just that; I'm gonna shower before we eat".
His mother nodded, still watching him. "Remember, a grade doesn't define your intelligence".
"Rumors about you don't define who you are," Mo added, stepping into the bathroom and tossing his bookbag onto the tiles, "And age doesn't define your maturity".
That wise guy was right; in that moment, he didn't feel any better than a little kid.
The day He Tian returned was a Monday, which meant a whole week had passed since his disappearance. As if nothing had happened, he greeted him early with that signature mocking smirk on his face. Mo, who had already gotten used to his absence, stared at him with a furrowed brow, biting back the insults on his tongue.
"Morning, Redhead, miss me?"
"Excuse me, who the fuck are you?" he replied harshly, dodging He Tian's hug. "Back off, you fucking parasite".
"Aw, foul-mouthed as always, Little Mo. I definitely missed you," he added, fishing for a reaction; Mo kept walking, trying not to play into his hands. "A lot".
He stopped dead in his tracks upon noticing the slight but obvious shift in He Tian's tone when he said those last words. It was as if he had a very convincing explanation but couldn't say it. He turned around to see his friend's sad eyes, feigning a calm demeanor.
"Why—?"
His question was cut off by the sudden arrival of Jian Yi, who pounced on He Tian out of nowhere. Zhang Zhen Xi arrived seconds later, jogging to catch up with them.
"You little demon, you just went 'poof' and vanished. Who the fuck do you think you are? The fairy godmother?"
"Did you miss me?"
"Hell yeah, I had no one to bother the redhead with when you were gone," he complained, pointing at him; Mo Guan Shan turned around and kept walking, knowing the rest would follow. "You disappear, and he pushes us away too".
"I didn't push you away," Mo Guan Shan argued, embarrassed. "I just had a lot of things to do, things way more important than babysitting you".
"Excuses".
He wasn't entirely lying; he had tried to keep his mind busy so he wouldn't think about him. Taking up various odd jobs had helped with that. That was how He Tian dodged all the questions about what had happened during the week he was missing. At least from those two, who were currently busy talking amongst themselves.
Mo Guan Shan, on the other hand, looked less and less convinced by the fake persona He Tian had adopted since the moment he returned. He didn't look like the guy from a week ago, and more than anything, it seemed He Tian knew Mo wasn't buying his act, as he actively tried to derail the conversation whenever the topic threatened to come up, or he simply stopped visiting Mo's classroom as often.
Had he finally realized that trying to date him was a waste of time? That Mo Guan Shan couldn't give him what a pretty girl could?
As the days passed, He Tian grew increasingly distant from the three of them, visibly troubled by things they knew nothing about. He would skip classes or, according to rumors, stare off into space during lectures. Jian Yi tried to confront him but was cleverly sidestepped; Zhen Zhang Xi just stayed on the sidelines, as always. Knowing that if things got out of control, he would have to step in.
That afternoon threatened rain, and it just so happened he had English. Mo grabbed an umbrella and slipped away to the spot where he usually skipped his least favorite classes, but He Tian was already there. He was smoking a cigarette despite the risk of getting caught there, and he even looked like he was waiting for him.
"Shit," Mo whispered when he arrived, but he didn't leave. "Didn't know you were here".
He Tian moved over on the step, making enough room for Mo to sit down.
"I don't think you should be smoking here; you could get into serious trouble".
"Yeah, but that'd be fun".
"We definitely don't share the same definition of fun".
He Tian shrugged and took a drag from his cigarette; the smell drifted over to Mo, who grimaced in disgust. That smell brought back bad memories. Feeling timid drops falling on his hair, he opened the umbrella to use it as a roof. Without even asking, He Tian scooted closer to take shelter from the impending rain as well.
"Dammit, don't get so close, you're getting my shoulder wet, son of a bitch," Mo complained, shoving him.
"We're basically two full-grown men, what did you expect?" He Tian countered, snatching the umbrella from his grip. "Give me that, I'm the taller one".
"But we're sitting down".
"I still got half a head on you".
The cigarette went out from the dampness, and He Tian crushed it under his sneaker. Mo noticed it was already the third one he'd smoked.
"Hey, is everything okay?"
He Tian glanced at him out of the corner of his eye but shifted his gaze back to the trees across from them. Everything was peaceful, and the sound of the increasingly heavy rain was almost hypnotizing.
"Are you worried about me?"
"Just answer the damn question".
That snappy reply surprised He Tian, who looked away from the trees and focused back on Mo; he looked angry and confused, and He Tian couldn't help but compare him to a ticking time bomb.
"No, several things are wrong." Mo Guan Shan heard the words he had dreaded, but he didn't interrupt. "I'm only staying at this school until the end of the semester, which means I won't be here for the rest of the year, or the next".
"You're not graduating with us?"
"I'm sorry".
The rain turned into an intense downpour; the semester was ending in the final week of that very month. Mo clenched his hands into tight fists inside his jacket pockets and asked:
"Are you moving?"
"Yes".
He opened his mouth but couldn't manage to say another word; he felt devastated. It was as if all the horrible things he had ever said to He Tian were coming true. He was leaving, and who knew if anyone would ever see him again.
"I didn't know how to tell you, it's a decision that's already been made, and still... I couldn't do it," he spoke softly, just loud enough for Mo to hear; from so close, the scent of his cologne mixed with the cigarette smoke smelled wonderful. "I was a coward".
"That's why you disappeared, isn't it?"
He Tian shook his head and simply replied, "I can't tell you about that. It's not that I don't want to; I still need to wrap my own head around it".
Mo Guan Shan didn't recognize this He Tian, who sounded so incredibly weak when he spoke. He hated seeing this side of him and just wished it was all one of his sick jokes. He wanted him to smile and end up annoying him like always. But they both just stayed planted there, under an umbrella that was far too small for them, their uniforms soaked in their own mental downpours.
"Mo." The redhead nodded without saying a word. "Do you like me?"
"..."
"Even just a little bit".
"I think I like you more than I ever thought I could like someone like you".
"I figured you'd say something like that".
He Tian offered a sad smile and reached out to grab Mo's hand, pulling it out of his jacket. It was warm, and he could have pulled away at any moment. But he didn't. Standing there in the rain, they both held onto that piece of the other, just to reassure themselves they were still there.
The hardest person to explain everything to was Jian Yi, who kept asking unnecessary questions that almost always went unanswered. But only one thing ended up being clear: He Tian was leaving.
Hangouts and moments among friends became more frequent than ever. Mo would show up whenever the pressure pushed him to his limits, plus refusing to go cook dinner at He Tian's house didn't really seem like a viable option anymore. Neither of them mentioned holding hands. Maybe purely out of embarrassment, or maybe they just didn't want to ruin the vibe.
They studied and took their finals—Mo nearly failing all of them except P.E., closely followed by Jian, whose nemesis was literature; in contrast, both Zhen Zhang Xi and He Tian ranked among the best of the year. Knowing the moment of goodbye was approaching did nothing but prolong the agony.
On more than one occasion, Mo wondered if he could do something to stop it, hatching plans in his head that never led anywhere. He remembered the day his father was arrested: he was just a little kid nobody listened to; it was inevitable. Even though he had seen everything, had lived through it all in his own flesh. It was inevitable, just like this goodbye.
What about the ambitions the four of them had? The futures they had imagined? All those nights he had shared with He Tian, listening to him talk about a thousand different things while he just threw insults back. He even started to believe he could allow himself to dream; that with He Tian always by his side he had nothing to worry about, that the past was a finished story and a great future was on the horizon. He had just fallen into the trap of his own stupidity.
"Don't blame yourself for what happened," his father's deep voice echoed in his mind, from that time he visited him in prison. "Just take care of your mother for me. I'm sorry for being such a bad father".
He had to keep his promise; she was his number one priority, and he had been forgetting that. He had no right to dream; it was his duty to be realistic; with his awful grades, reckless attitude, and lack of skills, it was obvious where he was going to end up looking for money to support what little family he had left.
He Tian called him the day he left. None of the three knew where their friend was heading; according to him, with any luck, he might be able to shoot them a few texts that would definitely arrive super late. Mo arrived at his apartment and found him in a tracksuit, sporting the typical look of someone about to embark on a long journey. The apartment was emptier than usual; Tian was never one to have a lot of stuff, but now, without even the black sofa, the place looked dead.
"What time do you leave?"
"You're right on time".
They were trapped in an awkward silence; Mo wasn't sure what He Tian's intentions were in asking him to come over at this hour, but he had a feeling they weren't entirely good.
"Why did you ask me to come?"
"Can't I say goodbye to the person I love?" Mo grunted sourly; he was not in the mood for He Tian's jokes. "I wanted to give you something".
"What is it?"
He Tian stepped away from the entrance, walked over to the closet, and pulled out a neatly sealed white envelope.
"I can't accept this," Mo replied when He Tian handed it to him. "It wouldn't be right".
"Hurry up, take it, I have to go." In one swift motion, He Tian forced Mo to grab the envelope, which was heavier than he expected. "Consider it payment for all those delicious meals".
Mo turned around and followed He Tian, who locked the apartment door and handed the key to the concierge once they reached the first floor. A dark car was waiting in front of the building with its hazards blinking.
"Promise me you won't sell the guitar".
"Who knows, it's probably worth a fortune".
He Tian smiled and said goodbye:
"Well, I promise you I'll come back. Sooner or later, you'll have to put up with me again".
"I hope it's later rather than sooner".
"You'll never change, huh?" He turned around and started walking. "Great, that's what I love most about you. Bye".
As soon as He Tian got into the car, it drove off. Mo stood rooted to the spot next to the plants by the front garden entrance, near the playground for the complex's kids. With his heart pounding uncontrollably, he sat down on an empty swing and decided to look inside the envelope. Trying his best to hold back his tears.
A car key, a thick wad of cash (the total sum of which he couldn't quite process yet), and a piece of paper:
"One day we will be everything. Be careful and wait for me".
Mo reread the note several times, and with blurred eyes, he tucked it back into the envelope. He walked back into the building and over to the elevator; from what he understood, the parking garage was on the basement level. He had to press the unlock button on the key fob a few times to track down the sound that would tell him where it was. Until he finally found it.
It was a beautiful yellow motorcycle; along with a helmet that matched the bike, and tucked underneath it, another one of those stupid notes.
"Aren't I a great landlord? Wait for me with beef stew, you know it's my favorite".
"Fucking son of a bitch".
He folded the paper and shoved it into his pocket. Now he had to figure out how he was going to get that bike out of there—without a driver's license.