Work Text:
“And you’ll leave tonight and we’ll never see each other again and that’s fine. That’s the decision you wanna make.”
“That’s not the fucking decision I’m making, Syd.” He regretted the way he snapped back, but they’d had the same conversation for the last month. Unable to discuss anything but work or his imminent departure. As the rift between them grew, so did Carmy’s desperation to try and fix it. “There’s a food thing at the pier.” Carmy’s voice wandered off, his gaze set in the ripples of water in his deli as he tapped against it.
“I need a crumb of context.”
“Yeah, sorry.” He smiled softly, wishing she’d smile back. Not wanting this to be how their last break together was spent. Awkward small talk like they worked a job together and nothing more. Clearing his throat, he tried again. “There’s food festival on the pier next month. Street food.”
“Sounds nice.”
“You wanna go? With me?”
“With you?”
“You’re my fucking friend, Syd. Just because I’m leaving doesn’t change that.”
Sydney locks her phone and slides it back into the pocket of her apron, the mindless scrolling only so she could avoid looking at him or have a real conversation. Looking across he’s staring back, eyes all wide and pleading and it makes her want to roll her own. “When is it?”
“Three weeks tomorrow.”
“I might be working, we’re losing a staff member tonight.”
“Shut up.” Carmy laughed, grinning when she finally lost the battle and smiled back. “Anyway, I checked the schedule and you’re not in.”
“You actually think we can be friends without this.”
Carmy followed her gaze to the door of The Bear, where the sound of Richie and Tina singing together filtered out. Swallowing down the hurt at her disbelief that their only connection was work, knowing he was a large part of the reason for it.
He sniffs, gives a small nod and grips the deli tighter. “If you don’t push me away.”
That had started a little routine over the past six months.
Carmy would plan a day, then the next month Sydney would plan one. Not a date, just a day together. This was about maintaining a friendship, they were both clear about that. The rule was simple - if it wasn’t their day to plan, they had no say. All food and activities chosen by the planner, the other along for the ride. As they approached their sixth month, Carmy sent his summons the night before.
‘Sears Tower.’
“Fuck no.” She said to herself at first and then sent it in a reply to him. He called her immediately.
“Syd don’t be that way.”
“No, no and no. I’m not fucking doing it. White people and your lack of fear of anything actually dangerous. NO!”
“It’s not dangerous at all.” He can’t stop laughing quietly at her resistance.
Sydney scoffs, annoyed at how her heart is beating a little faster at even just the suggestion. More annoyed that she was laughing with him. “People get sick up there y’know? They get sick and they get lightheaded and suddenly everyone’s staring at her because apparently she’s the only little girl afraid of heights.” She finishes in a flourish, chest heaving up and down a little.
“Syd.”
“Carmen.”
He laughs again at the use of his full name. The sound dispersing some of the panic in her.
“It’s okay to be afraid of heights. And, normally I’d say we don’t have to go and we can go see The Thing at that old theater—”
“That’d be perfect—”
“But we did that last month when it was your pick. We have to do this. It’s gonna be good for you.”
“Carmen…”
He didn’t laugh this time, neither did she. Even though he knows it’s not the ideal suggestion, as soon as he thought of it he couldn’t shake it. Sydney talks a lot about how afraid she is of failure and of the restaurant going belly up even when he’s not there to hold her back anymore. When she chooses to keep so much to herself, the one thing she trusts him to be vulnerable about it the one thing he’s going to help her with.
He wants to be a reason she feels good for once.
“I’m gonna be there with you the whole time. I’m your guy.” Carmy says and she can hear the sincerity in his voice. Almost like something in it changed specifically to convince her.
“Do we have to do that leaning thing?” Sydney asks, and she hopes he can hear her pouting.
Carmy laughs over the line. “Fuck, yeah.”
Sydney rolls her eyes, trying to hold back her smile as she fiddles with one of her decorative pillows in her lap. “Being friends with you is fucking annoying.”
“Being your friend is the fucking best.” Carmy replies immediately and though he means every word of it, he does intend to make Sydney laugh.
She does. He really likes the sound.
"I would say the same but you decided to use your pick to torture me for fun."
"It's not torture. It's conquering a fear. And you made me sit in that theatre that smelled like mold-”
“It’s historic.”
“Fucking smelled, Syd.” He pauses just to listen to her laugh, wishing it was a FaceTime call so he could see her. “It was like that bad batch of blue cheese that made us switch vendors.”
“You’re so fucking dramatic.”
“So Sears tower, meet you at the usual time at your station?”
“I gonna take you to an algebra class next month?"
"Urm."
"Exactly, not fun is it." She smirks in victory.
"Look. Do this with me and you can pick the next two outings and I'll take you for ice cream at Margie’s afterwards." His voice turns slyly knowing he had her.
"Carm, what the fuck you can't use my weakness for Margie’s against me. This is so stupid."
"It's not. I promise it'll be worth it. And if sucks, make me suffer. I'll watch the gnarliest horror movie with you."
"So you'll watch Hereditary?"
"You don't think living with Didi was horrific enough?"
"Hereditary or nothing."
"You're fucking brutal dude."
"Well..."
"Fine, deal."
The next free Sunday, she hesitantly walks up the path and crowds of people to a waiting Carmy at the entrance. His cheeks are ruddy and hair wind swept under a beanie as a small grin permeates his face.
She stops to read the new signage out in front of the building. "What the fuck is a Willis Tower?" She grimaces as he comes to stand next to her.
"I know. It's fucking Sears. I don't care if they change the name a hundred more times. Done stalling?" He glances over at her, his face tilted with a side ways smirk.
"You’re smiling too much,” Sydney grumbles, burying her hands in her coat pocket.
Carmy’s smile immediately drops at her statement, but slowly crawls back up his face in a way Sydney can’t help but laugh at.
“You’re such a fucking clown, man, can we just go?”
The silence they fall into as they step inside isn’t like the easy ones they used to share, there’s always the weight of the unspoken hanging over them. The days out always like this. A mix of the deepest ease they’ve ever felt with another person, and deep awkward fucking silences.
“How’s work?”
“Busy.” Carmy sighs in relief at her prompt that cuts the quiet. “Really fucking busy, but I don’t know, doesn’t make me want to die? That’s gotta be a good thing.”
“That’s in the top two things I look for in a job.”
“What’s the other one?”
Sydney smiles as she steps into the elevator, leaning back against the wall. “Good health insurance.”
Carmy smiles, pressing the close door button over and over, only feeling a little guilty that it closed before the couple heading in their direction could join them inside. “So you came to The Beef to find health insurance and the will to live?”
“One of two isn’t bad.”
“You fuckers got good health insurance now?”
“Shut up, it’s… I love it, Carm. Even when it’s fucking awful I love it.” The nerves start to rise the closer they get to the observation deck, her annoyance rising in tandem. “You used to love it.”
“Used to, I know this is gonna piss you off but I don’t regret leaving. I couldn’t have done it without you.”
“Working with me is that bad?
Carmy doesn’t laugh along with her, shaking his head and staring up at the little hatch in the ceiling to avoid her gaze. “Don’t do that, Syd.”
“Do what?”
“Hide.”
Sydney bristles under his words, standing a little taller she prepares herself to do what their days were really about. Trying. “Okay. What couldn’t you have done without me?”
“Been brave enough to leave, I could only do that because you were what ‘Bear needed.”
“Bear needed a crazy person in search of the will to live and health insurance?”
“That and the ability to make a perfect fucking scallop.”
The elevator dinged as it opened and Sydney looked at him with wide eyes, their conversation forgotten as all she could think about was just how high up they were. She worried her lip with her teeth, blinking too much and too fast as she caught his eye.
“You got this, Syd.”
“And what if I don’t?”
“Then I got you.”
Sydney hasn’t been up here since she was a kid, but she has to admit that it’s just as scary as she remembers. As much as she wishes it did, nothing about her being a couple feet taller changes that. They walk up slowly, but the windows are in full view because it isn’t a busy day, so it’s mostly wall to wall with tired tourists and older couples. Sydney’s throat tightens a little so she looks down at her feet, closed her eyes and counts to three. Why are they so high up?
“I can see Bear from here.” Carmy comments. Sydney chuckles.
“No you can’t.”
“I’m telling you I can.” Carmy confirms, confident. “Bet you can too. Wanna walk up to the window?”
Sydney rolls her eyes, but her expression changes when she feels Carmy’s hand in hers. He grasps at it gently to lead her, not in command, but in suggestion.
Once they’re close enough to the windows, they both look down at their hands and let go awkwardly.
“I used to be scared of heights too.” Carmy sighs, eyes scanning the skyline.
“Oh yeah?” Sydney replies gruffly, still looking down at her feet. “What changed?”
“Not sure. Michael he um. He loved heights. Heights and fuckin’ roller coasters and all of that crazy shit. Think I wanted to impress him.”
Sydney looks up at him. “I’m sure he appreciated it.”
Carmy shrugs. “He was an asshole. But he made me brave, like you do. Counts for something, I guess.”
Silence overtakes them again, but it’s comfortable, again. There’s not much that needs to be said to fill the space because they’re with one another, and Sydney’s grateful for it.
“Look I um. I know you don’t regret leaving, Carm. I want you to be happy. And if you weren’t happy, it’s good that you left. The road to decent health insurance.” She jokes, making him laugh.
“That means a lot, Syd. But um. For the record, when we weren’t talking, or-or any time we weren’t. When we aren’t. It’s painful.”
Her gaze falls on a building she recognizes as a library, then a cafe, then the highway. “Painful for me too.” She replies in a bit of a daze.
“Carmy…” Sydney continues and it breaks Carmy out of a haze. He was staring, her profile is just really.
Pretty.
“Uh, um. Yeah?” Carmy asks.
“I’m a little dizzy.” Sydney whispers, trying to joke but he can see a spark or worry in her brown eyes.
“Oh shit, okay.” He holds a hand out to guide her by the small of her back, leading her away from the windows a bit.
“How do you feel?” Carmy asks a couple of quiet minutes later. Instead of standing around, Sydney suggests they walk around the deck a little.
“M’okay now. Thanks.” Sydney affirms and Carmy nods.
“What are you thinking for next week?”
“Next week?” Sydney asks and Carmy’s heart stalls. Oh, right.
“Shit, uh. Next month, sorry.”
It’s a little silent again before Sydney bumps her shoulder with his. “We can hang out next week, Carmen. I’d like that. Hereditary.” She points at him and he laughs.
“Hereditary.” He replies. “Okay, one more thing. Then it’s Margie’s on me, yeah?”
Sydney narrows her eyes at him. “What?”
Carmy’s never been on the ledge before, but it seems like a good way to tie up their day and just so it’s something Sydney can say she did, something she conquered.
It’s a little bit of a line to step on, and Carmen can see Sydney panicking beside him.
“Syd—”
“Nope. You wanna do this, I wanna do this, we’re doing this.”
They step closer, almost to the front. In a sudden decision, Carmy reaches his hand over and touches it to Sydney’s, smiling when she entwines it with hers and holds on tight.
“Sorry, nervous.” Sydney exhales.
“S’okay. I got you.”
They step into the glass, sturdy and unmoving. Sydney’s eyes are closed for a second, opening them slowly.
“Ha. Okay, this. This is crazy.” She laughs, feeling a zip of exhilaration roll through her body. “Holy shit, I can see Bear.” Her laughter starts to turn into gleeful giggles and she notices Carmy looking at her, eyes not looking away at anything else.
"Yeah me too."
"Ok three seconds that's enough." She steps back off the platform of the sky deck, which is basically like floating suspended 100+ stories up into the sky and back on what feels like solid ground even though it isn't.
"Wait, wait, wait." He smiles at her before she can pull back out onto the deck with him. "Just do 10 more seconds. You didn't even look at Michigan from across the lake."
"Who wants to look at fucking Michigan?" She bristles.
"No one, but at least it's a good view. Just a little more maybe. I know you're afraid but you don't have to be scared, okay? We do this together." He holds out his hand again and she takes it, letting him lead her out back onto the deck. "And do you wanna take a pic for Instagram or whatever to prove that you were up here. So you won't forget."
"Trust me, I'm never gonna forget."
"Me either. Lake looks crazy beautiful up here."
"Yeah, I guess so, this is fucking nuts." She can hear her heart beating in her ears as she tries to relax and just enjoy the view and then she feels Carmy's hand rub across her lower back. She takes a deep breath.
"You're doing so good."
"Thanks, can you like hold me tighter? It's helping." She admits and he wants to hide the heat that creeps under his skin at her admission. He wraps both of his arms around her waist his hands resting across her warm belly. Her hand wraps around his wrist.
"I can get used to seeing you like this."
"Scared?"
"No, vulnerable and on top of the world. It's where you deserve to be."
"I prefer being on top of the world with you though. I don't know about any other fucking time. It's scary."
"I'm always gonna be here."
Sydney’s not sure what changes, what happens to all of the air around them but suddenly there’s a hand cupping while gently turning her face and a pair of strong lips against hers. Syd takes in a small surprised gasp, but doesn’t back away, wrapping her hand gently around Carmy’s wrist to keep it there. He kisses her softly, but with intention, parting with a quiet sound and kissing her again with a turn of his head. His other hand comes up to cup her face completely and Carmy wants and wants and wants. Doesn’t know where it begins and ends.
The feeling of his mouth against hers unleashes a wave of uninvited butterflies all throughout her chest, swarming around her heart like they’ve been waiting patiently for this exact moment.
Sydney turns her head when the kiss parts warmly again, deepening it as best she can and feeling Carmy’s mouth curve into a smile.
They kiss around five more times, going in again and again like magnets that can’t get enough of one another—
“Dudes,” the bored employee drawls. “Can you like, take that somewhere else?”
Sydney’s dazed eyes widen in alarm, letting go of Carmy and walking off of the deck in abject embarrassment.
Fuuuuuuck.
The sweet smell of Margie’s takes over Carmy’s nose. Even if he’s never been the biggest ice cream person, he’s really fucking feeling it right now, bouncing on his toes waiting to be able to order. Sydney’s got her arms crossed next to him, stealing glances and smiling discreetly.
He doesn’t know what the fuck happened. What pushed him to kiss Sydney like he did, when he did. But all he knows is that the panic that would normally take over isn’t here. Carmy’s just fucking thrilled.
And he wants to kiss her again.
They sit on the same side of the booth, sharing a sundae laden with chocolate ice cream, toffee and caramel.
“I’m sorry, are you not fucking mortified?” Sydney finally bursts. They’re the first words she’s said to him since they left.
“No,” Carmy responds simply. “Feel pretty good actually.”
“Carmen,” Sydney scolds. “You. You’re such a— ugh! Can’t even do this with you right now.”
He just blinks at her, and for a second, he’s terrified that Sydney hated the kiss, that she never wants to do anything like it again. That she felt nothing. Even worse, that he crossed the line that they had so gently built like an asshole.
But he knows Sydney better than that and knows she would have bailed on him right away. She’s Sydney, she’s his Sydney. It has to count for something.
“I thought we were friends.” Sydney murmurs softly, spoon playing with whipped cream.
“We are, Syd. I um. I’m sorry I kissed you like that. But I don’t regret it.” He echoes his sentiment from earlier.
Right then, of all of the moments Sydney’s had with the man sitting next to her, she knew with complete certainty that she trusted him. That his hand on her back or in her own meant that he wasn’t letting go, and that she was safe. No, she didn’t expect him to kiss her, but it just felt like all of those feelings of trust and safety hitting her all at once. It felt right. All she wanted was his lips on hers, to make sure it was real and wasn’t just a fluke or a stroke of anxiety, for as long as they both wanted them to be.
All of her fear kinda melted away. Sydney’s not sure what to do with it now.
“And I’m not mad that you kissed me. I um, I really liked it.” She looks up at him, hopes her eyes are telling him more than her words are.
You made me feel safe.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. Was this like premeditated or…?” Syd asks teasingly, making Carmy laugh.
“No. No I um. I wanted you to feel safe. Like you could do anything. Because you can. I just, I don’t know, since you were conquering your fear I felt like maybe I should conquer mine. I hope it’s not surprising that I kissed you. I mean you’re you.”
Sydney rolls her eyes. “Fuck off.”
“No, I’m serious.” He pins her down with his eyes. “I’m crazy about you, Syd. And I wanna kiss you again.”
“You didn’t think I’d be afraid of kissing you?” She looks back down at the melting cream on her spoon.
“Not more afraid than you probably already were.” He laughs.
“Then we should definitely try it again. On solid ground this time.”
Carmy smiles. She wants him to kiss her again. There’s going to be at least one more time.
It’s a short ride back to Sydney’s, and Carmy says a reluctant goodbye, letting go of Sydney’s hand that’s been entwined in his since they left Margie’s. Once the connection is gone, though, Syd turns around and cups his face with her soft hands, pressing her lips to his sweetly. He can feel her fingers timidly feeling the curls by the nape of his neck and it makes him shiver. She backs away, but Carmy chases her lips, making her laugh against his mouth. A couple of smile laden and soft kisses later, and one more tender kiss to her cheek, Syd leans her forehead against his.
“Night, Carm. See you next week?” She brushes her nose against his. His stomach is on fire.
Carmy nods like an idiot. “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Different movie maybe—?”
“Nope, it’s still Hereditary. And we’re watching it so don’t even think about fucking kissing me during.”
He exhales in defeat, still smiling. One more kiss is stolen before Sydney makes her way inside.
Sydney’s adorable confused grimace comes back to him, making him laugh to himself on the nearly empty train car.
Fuckin’ ‘Willis Tower’. Who says that?