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Sasuke was acting weird.
Initially, Naruto chalked it up to stress over the looming inauguration. Naruto was becoming the Seventh Hokage, making Sasuke the “First Lady” of the Leaf, but even that couldn’t explain the insane things going on in his home. So Naruto did the only reasonable thing he could do.
He went to Sakura.
“What do you mean by he’s acting weird?”
“Exactly that, he’s completely lost his mind. Honestly, if I wasn’t able to recognize his chakra, even with my eyes closed, I’d think this is a deranged impostor.”
“I’m sure you are over exaggerating, this is Sasuke we are talking about.”
“Oh Sakura, you have no idea…”
——-
“-ruto, Naruto, NARUTO!”
“WHA—” Naruto jumped up, pulling his kunai from under his pillow. “Whaat whazit?”
“Naruto,” Sasuke’s voice broke and Naruto was suddenly wide awake. He could count on his hands the amount of times he’d seen Sasuke cry. Something was wrong. Very wrong. “Naruto. Where is it?”
“Wha-Where is what? What’s wrong? Are you hurt? Who did this? What happened?”
“Where. Is. It?”
“Where is what?! Sasuke, you’re freaking me out! Why are you crying?! Are you hurt?!”
“Where is my PB&J?!”
“…Where is what?”
“My PB&J sandwich!”
“What the fuck are you talking about, Sasuke? Is this some sort of prank? It’s three in the morning, asshole!”
Sasuke burst into tears.
“Holy shit, what is happening right now?!”
“You,” Sasuke tearfully growled, “didn’t make me the PB&J sandwich.”
“…Sasuke, have you completely lost your mind?!”
Sasuke did not appreciate the question. He burst into tears once more and Naruto had no choice but to get out of bed to make his husband the aforementioned PB&J. He watched bewildered as Sasuke followed him to the kitchen, wrapped in their sheets, eyes wet and red.
“Here you go,” he said, finally setting the plate down. Sasuke stared at it for a few seconds, turned to Naruto… and started crying again.
“What is it?!” Naruto was beyond alarmed now.
“It’s not spaghetti!”
“WHAT?!”
——
“SASUKE! What the hell is this?!”
”…”
“Answer me, damnit! Why the hell are there divorce papers in our office? And you’ve already started filling them out?! What is this about?! Talk to me, damnit!”
“You know why,” Sasuke spat out, walking off towards the bedroom. Naruto growled and chased after him, still waving around the half-completed divorce paperwork.
“OF COURSE I HAVE NO IDEA!! Sasuke, you kissed me hello an hour ago when I got back from the store! What could have possibly happened between then and the time it took me to shower for you to want to divorce me?!”
“YOU DIDN’T GET ME REESE’S!”
”…What the fuck are you talking about?!?”
“You didn’t bring me Reese’s. How could you, my husband, not buy me the Reese’s I wanted?!”
“CANDY?! YOU WANT TO FILE FOR DIVORCE OVER FUCKING CANDY?!”
“Well, clearly you’ve stopped loving me. What other explanation can there be?! I searched all the bags, twice! I couldn’t find Reese’s anywhere!”
“SASUKE!” Naruto stopped and took a deep breath. This was getting out of hand. Across from him, Sasuke had started tearing up again before plopping down on the couch to hide his face in his hands. “Sasuke, you never told me you wanted any Reese’s. The last time I bought anything that wasn’t on your list, you almost cut off my head. Reese’s was nowhere on your list!”
All he got in response was a glare and his husband scoffing before storming off towards their bedroom and slamming the door shut.
——
“Here you go, baby,” Naruto said carefully as he set the piece of buttered toast and hot tea in front of Sasuke. Sasuke’s weird behavior had continued, but thankfully the divorce papers debacle had been resolved.
Naruto still didn’t understand why HE was at fault, but he figured apologizing was easier than trying to convince Sasuke that he was being unreasonable for trying to divorce him over fucking candy. Candy that he’d never asked for, but that was beside the point.
“…What’s this?”
“Um, your toast?”
“Why isn’t it buttered all the way to the edges?”
“…um.”
“I see… so all those promises of forever were just pretty lies.”
“Hahaha…” Naruto’s laughter trailed off when he realized Sasuke wasn’t laughing. “Wait, you’re joking, right?”
Sasuke scoffed and turned his face away. He looked like he was tearing up again. What was happening?!
“Baby, it’s just toast. I’ll add more butter now if you wa—”
“No need. IT’S CLEAR YOU DON’T LOVE ME ANYMORE! WHY KEEP PRETENDING, NARUTO?!” Sasuke turned tearful eyes onto him as he screamed, heart-wrenching little sobs all that could be heard as Naruto stared at him in silent disbelief.
“Sasuke, of course I love you! IT’S JUST TOAST!”
“LIAR! You don’t love me! You probably never did!”
That argument went on for three hours.
——
“Can you stop looking at me? It’s making me nauseous.”
Naruto had been walking on eggshells around Sasuke, but this last comment actually hurt a little.
“What? Sasuke, how could you say that?”
“Ugh, I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I haven’t been feeling well these past few days. My stomach’s been turning and I can’t keep anything down. It’s been making me irritable.”
Not to mention the tears and the fact that it had been a few weeks, not days, but Naruto valued his life so he would not be saying that to Sasuke.
“Actually, I think it may be best if you don’t sleep here tonight.”
“Wait, what?”
“I just… the idea of sharing the bed tonight sounds like literal hell. It’d be impossible for me to sleep and I’d ruin your night too. I think it may be best if you take the guest room.”
“Are you mad at me again?”
“No! No, I just… I want to sleep alone. Just for tonight.”
Naruto couldn’t do anything but nod and start gathering his things to get ready for bed. He’d thought about arguing, but the tired look in Sasuke’s eyes stopped him. Still, he couldn’t lie and say it didn’t hurt. They hadn’t spent the night apart unless one of them was on a mission in years, not even after an argument. But, if this would help Sasuke get some rest, then he would do it.
After he’d washed up and changed, he made for the door only to stop when Sasuke called his name. Sasuke was already in bed, looking as soft as he always did in their bedroom. Naruto turned hopefully. Maybe he’d changed his mind after all.
“Naruto, wait. Don’t go.”
“Did you change your mind about sleeping alone?”
“No,” Naruto tried not to show his disappointment, “but I don’t want to fall asleep without you.”
“…I’m confused.”
“I don’t want to fall asleep without you,” Sasuke bit out, “but I don’t want you in bed with me either.”
Silence.
“Do you… want me to sit here on the chair while you fall asleep? I can go to the guest room after, I guess.”
“…Would you?”
Naruto walked over to kiss his husband, then dragged a chair closer to the bed to sit and wait for Sasuke to fall asleep. This was getting ridiculous.
——
The last straw happened when the couple had gone out for dango. They’d had a relatively normal week, so Naruto was hopeful whatever had been wrong with Sasuke was finally over.
He should’ve known better.
Naruto set the dango in front of Sasuke and sat down across from him.
“Where is yours?”
“Hm? Oh, no I’m fine.”
“But you said you’d get dango with me.”
“Um, yes? This is us, getting dango…”
“No, this is me getting dango. You shouldn’t have said you’d get dango with me if you weren’t getting one of your own!”
“What?! Sasuke! SASUKE!!”
The tears were back as Sasuke ran out of the dango stand, quickly racing towards their home. Just like always, Naruto chased after him. When he got home, he found a red-eyed Sasuke pouting on the couch and decided it was time to talk.
“Sasuke,”
“Are you here to lie to me again?”
“Lie?! Wh—” Naruto cut himself off, thinking better of it. “Sasuke. What’s been going on with you lately?”
“I have no idea what you are talking about.”
“Yes you do. You’ve been irritable, tired, your mood swings are all over the place… and then there is the…” Naruto did not want to say it, but the glare Sasuke threw at him told him Sasuke already knew what he was referring to. “Then there is the crying. This week alone I’ve seen you cry more times than I ever had before. That’s not like you. We need to talk to Granny or Sakura.”
“I will not set even one foot in her office.”
———
“…So yeah, here we are. What do you think, Sakura? What’s wrong with Sasuke? He’s not in any mortal danger, is he? Is this some sort of genjutsu?”
Sakura stared at him, wide-eyed and mouth hanging open, which she shut with a click when he addressed her. He watched her gaze sweep from him towards the door, where Sasuke stood glaring as he refused to “step even one foot in her office.” Finally, Sakura turned her back on them, alarming Naruto when her shoulders started shaking. Even Sasuke looked alarmed, finally joining Naruto and taking hold of his hand. If she was this upset then maybe….
“BAHAHAHA!” Sakura’s cackling burst out of her as if she couldn’t hold it anymore. “You two are such idiots!” She continued laughing even as she came towards Sasuke and laid a hand on his abdomen, chakra emitting from her palm. “Congratulations, you morons. Sasuke is ten weeks along.”
“Along what?!”
“He’s pregnant, you idiot!”
“Wha— No. Absolutely not.” Naruto grabbed hold of Sasuke’s waist as he swayed on his feet. “Orochimaru’s experiments should’ve made me infertile.”
“Well, chalk it up to Naruto’s unpredictability, or determination, I guess. You are most definitely pregnant.”
The couple stood there frozen.
“A… baby?” Naruto turned an equally stunned Sasuke to face him. “You are giving me a baby?!”
“I — I guess?” Sasuke laughed as the tears returned and Naruto just laughed alongside him and kissed the tears away.
“A baby, Sasuke! We are having a baby! Sakura! We are having a baby!!”
“I know, you doofus.” She hugged them both as she cried alongside them.
“Wait. Wait wait wait.” Sasuke ripped himself away and Naruto was right back to worried.
“What’s wrong?! Do you not w—”
“Naruto,” Sasuke cried out, fresh tears rolling down his cheeks, “Naruto, the baby is sitting in the dark all alone! What if they’re scared?!”
Naruto and Sakura just stood there, flabbergasted, as Sasuke sobbed and flung himself into Naruto’s arms.
These were going to be a long couple of months.