Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

'Matagal ka nang mahal noon. Bulag ka lang.'

It's been five months since he heard those unforgettable words from Mingyu’s drunken mouth and it's also been five months Joshua has been losing sleep over the fact that his best friend was in love with him.

“I can't do this anymore.” Joshua got up from the bed before rubbing his face. “Tangina. Ano bang nangyayari sa akin?” He caresses the space beside him. The spot next to him belongs to his fiancé, Seokmin, who was on his last business trip before their wedding in ten days.

He wanted answers. No. He needed answers. Conflicted, he looks at the clock. 2AM. He couldn't sleep, his head was about to burst and his heart? He doesn't understand it, maybe he does but refuses to acknowledge what it is beating for.

He grabs his keys. In his pajamas, he left the apartment building before going to Jeonghan's house. His grip on the wheel, tight. Knowing that in just a few minutes, the friendship that truly mattered to him could end, that he could lose someone he cherished tonight.

“Tangina, Jeonghan.” Joshua leans back while waiting for the last stop light to turn green to Jeonghan's subdivision. Believe it when Joshua tried to forget or ignore Mingyu’s words but the moment he did, he saw it. Jeonghan’s quiet love for him.

He even negotiated in his head, ‘Baka kabisado lang ako ni Jeonghan’ but the more he deflected the idea, the more it became clearer to him. Kitang kita na ng mga mata ni Joshua, it was something different. It wasn't fondness anymore but love.

Jeonghan's eyes. They were different when he looked at Joshua. His words were carefully chosen, they were kind and gentle with a hint of teasing. His actions were subtle but looking back, it screams love and care. Something that was always sincere and genuine.

Joshua snapped back into reality when the light turned green. He got into the subdivision, the security guards didn't need to stop him. They knew the car too well. He drives up to Jeonghan's street. 

“He’s still awake.” Joshua said as he uses the remote to open the gates. The house was pretty much alive. Lights were turned on the master’s bedroom, living room and kitchen. 

He parks his car and looks at his sanctuary for years. He wipes his tears. It could really be the last time he’ll be here. He was just staring at the house when the front door opened. Jeonghan was there, leaning in the door frame. Waiting for Joshua to come in.

Joshua took a deep breath and gathered his stuff which was his phone and keys before going down. 

“Can't sleep?” Jeonghan asked before clearing the doorway so Joshua could walk inside. Joshua appearing at his house at 2AM, especially when Seokmin was on a work trip, was nothing new but Jeonghan, he knew better. This wasn't those normal visits, by the look on Joshua’s face. The storm had already arrived, and Jeonghan was prepared for it, ready to survive it.

Joshua just faintly smiled. “Couldn't sleep.” He walked into Jeonghan’s living room and he noticed Jeonghan’s laptop and wallet sitting together. He sat on the couch while Jeonghan trailed behind him.

“Di ka pa rin makatulog. Sanay ka talaga may katabi.” Jeonghan chuckles from the kitchen as he grabs the melatonin bottle from the drawers and bottle of water and hands it to Joshua before sitting on the other couch where his laptop and wallet was near rested. He continued to work on his laptop. He still threaded lightly not wanting to open Pandora's box.

Joshua held the bottle of water and melatonin as he fought his tears. Kabisado niya talaga ako. He placed them on the table, knowing that insomnia wasn't his problem. “Ikaw?”

Jeonghan looked up from the laptop and saw that Joshua didn't take the melatonin. “What about me?” 

“Bat di ka pa natutulog?” Joshua asked, he can feel his heart racing. 

“I’m about to. Kakatapos lang ng meeting ko sa top management sa US.” 

“Isn't it too late for that?” 

“Not really. I report directly sa American owners. So I work around their clock pero bihira naman to. Late meetings.” Jeonghan smiled softly. “Mag aasikaso ako ng turn over after your wedding so you might not hear from me pala.”

“You quit your job?” Joshua looks at him.

“No. Just taking a sabbatical leave.” Jeonghan smiles sadly. “I might be away for a while, Joshua.” Jeonghan said, bravely directing the conversation to something else. Something that was unspoken but was always there.

'Is this it?' Joshua asked himself. Joshua meets his eyes. Tears fell uncontrollably. Jeonghan knew that this visit wasn't just a ‘I couldn't sleep alone’ because Mingyu told him what happened. He waited and waited but Joshua didn't show any hint of awkwardness so he thought this day would never come especially with Joshua's wedding just a few days away.

He won't try to explain nor defend himself kasi alam siya na mahal niya si Joshua and for him, there's no need to apologize or explain anything to Seokmin or Joshua. He simply continued to live his life, that includes loving Joshua quietly. He loved without acting on it. He loved without asking anything back.

“Why didn't you tell me?” Joshua mustered the courage to ask him. He looks into Jeonghan's eyes. “If Mingyu didn't slip, di ko pa malalaman.”

Jeonghan got up from his seat before sitting beside Joshua. He smiles at Joshua’s hand with his engagement ring on his ring finger. “I never meant to tell you from the start, Joshua. I was going to take it with me to the grave but fate had other plans.” Jeonghan saw the tremble on Joshua's hand and took it in his to stabilize Joshua’s hand.

Joshua looks at their hands. “When? Since when did you realize that you love me?” Joshua’s tears fell and looks at Jeonghan. 

Jeonghan sadly smiles. He wipes Joshua’s tears. He shakes his head. “Stop asking questions, Joshua.”

“Jeonghan.” Joshua begged.

“I don't want you to be confused any further.” Jeonghan said. “I’m not gonna watch you waste the life you worked so hard to build for someone like me.”

Joshua lets out more tears. “Jeonghan, I’ve been hurting you for so long. Please tell me kahit ito lang.” 

Jeonghan sighs softly before getting up from the couch. He opens one of the drawers and he gets his old wallet and pulls out a polaroid photo of theirs. He looks at the photo fondly before handing it to Joshua.

Joshua looks at the photo in his hand. The photo was a bit crumbled and faded but it still showed them. “This was college. Jeonghan, that's-” Joshua looked at Jeonghan with teary eyes.

“Seventeen years. I know.” Jeonghan looks at Joshua. Kabisado niya si Joshua and the look on the younger’s face shows pity, remorse and guilt but there was still warmth in his eyes. “Joshua, don't throw everything away for something you just learned 5 months ago. I’m not worth ruining for.”

Joshua held the polaroid in his hand a little tighter. Seventeen years. Those seventeen years replayed in his mind. Their late night conversations during college, how they moved in together to save money after college, and he remembered how Jeonghan chose him over everything else. Always considering him before any decision he made and with that, everything suddenly felt heavier.

Joshua laughed bitterly. “You’re actually worth the ruin, Jeonghan.” Joshua looks at him. “God, my head hurts.” Joshua leans back on the sofa. Joshua looked at him.

Jeonghan watched his actions. He held his breath anticipating what's next.

“I love you.” Joshua confessed.

Jeonghan closed his eyes, tears running down his face. “God, do you have any idea how much I wanted to hear that?” Jeonghan held his face, caressing his cheek. “That you love me.” His smile was wide but it wasn't a happy one. 

“We’re too late, Joshua.” Jeonghan kissed the top of his head. “Drink the pill and get some rest.” Jeonghan pulls away and grabs his wallet and laptop.

“Hannie, please. Let's fix this.” Joshua said, holding his wrist to prevent him from leaving.

“There's nothing to fix, Joshua.” Jeonghan went down to his level. “You came here for answers, right?”

Joshua looks at him, anticipating. Hoping for the answer he wants to hear but knowing Jeonghan. 

“I’ll give you an answer.” Jeonghan smiles sadly. “I have loved you for seventeen years, Joshua. I’ll probably love you until the day I no longer walk this earth pero yung gusto mong mangyari? It's impossible.”

Joshua pulls his hand from him, not having what Jeonghan was saying. He avoids Jeonghan’s gaze.

“You deserve someone who’s brave enough to love you loudly. Hindi ako yun, Joshua. That's Seokmin.” Jeonghan tucks a strand of hair behind his ear.

“Why are you acting so noble?” Joshua replies. “This is not you, Jeonghan. Yun kilala kong Jeonghan. Ipaglalaban yun alam niyang tama.”

“But Joshua, mali to.” Jeonghan intervenes immediately. “You shouldn't even be here. You’re getting married.”

“Then why does it feel right?” Joshua looks at him in the eyes before turning to their hands. “Your hand fits mine like a glove.” 

Jeonghan looks at their hands before caressing Joshua’s knuckles with his thumb. He smiles softly before planting a kiss on Joshua’s hand. “It was never mine to hold.” He reminded Joshua. 

“Jeonghan.”

“Hindi, you have to listen to me.” Jeonghan said. “Kung nasasaktan ka, paano pa ako? Let's not make this anymore harder for us, okay?” Jeonghan caressed his cheek. “If you really love me, make sure that you do. Dapat yun sigurado.”

“But I’m sure, Jeonghan.” Joshua said.

“Paano si Seokmin?” Jeonghan went straight to the point. “If mahal mo ako, asan si Seokmin jan?” Jeonghan’s tone became mean. “You were with him for five years, Joshua. You don't get to throw him away like he’s a piece of candy just because you suddenly want something else.”

Jeonghan’s words cut like a knife but it was supposed to. Joshua sat there in silence. Reality is finally kicking in. 

“I’m sorry, Joshua. I didn't mean to snap at you.” Jeonghan smiled sadly. “You need to see what's our reality na hindi to pwede. It's unfair to me. To Seokmin. Wala kaming ginawa kung mahalin ka, Joshua. If you really love me or him, you know what to do.”

Joshua looks at his ring, playing with the diamond that rests on his finger. “I have one request, Jeonghan.” Joshua spoke. He sounded sure and decided.

“Anything.” Jeonghan smiled.

“Let me sleep beside you tonight. Hold me like your life depended on. Show me how you love me. I just want to feel you. I just want to feel your love, in case it is the last time.” Joshua said. “God, Jeonghan, paranas ako kung paano ka magmahal kahit isang gabi lang.”

Jeonghan stood there and looked at Joshua. He wanted to refuse but his mind got clouded by Joshua's belated confession. He took Joshua’s phone and keys before taking his hand. “Come on, love. We only have a few hours.”  His heart is breaking but he still holds Joshua’s hand even if it was ruining him. “I’ll love you the loudest tonight.”

Joshua was frozen still. The word love—soft, natural, slipping out of Jeonghan like it belonged there—hit him harder than any confession.

“Tara na, mahal. Sayang ang oras.” Jeonghan smiled, intertwining their fingers. Jeonghan’s thumb brushing against his ring. Every word spoken was heavy because of the betrayal that came with it but the words rolled off perfectly like they’ve done it a thousand times.

“Wait.” Joshua pulls his hand to remove the ring.

“Keep it on. We’re betraying him already, Joshua. Don't disrespect the promise you made him.” Jeonghan puts the  ring back on Joshua’s finger before they walk up to Jeonghan’s bedroom. 

Joshua held on and followed him quietly. He looks at Jeonghan, memorizing everything about him. “Jeonghan.”

Jeonghan stops his tracks and looks at Joshua. “Yeah?”

“Thank you for everything.” Joshua smiles while shedding a few tears.

“Save that for later. Mamahalin pa kita.” Jeonghan wipes his tears. “You’re still mine, diba?” Jeonghan smiled before kissing his hand, not showing any pain or ruin.

Joshua took a deep breath and looked at Jeonghan. “I’m still yours.” Joshua repeated. “I just want time to stop para sayo lang ako.”

Jeonghan just chuckled. “Time is not our friend but we have a few hours, Joshua. It's still something.”

They arrived at Jeonghan’s room. Joshua looks at the bedroom. The room was a witness to Jeonghan and Joshua’s friendship. 

Countless memories replayed in Joshua’s mind. The room was his sanctuary. The only place he could be himself without scrutiny. He could always be himself with him. 

“Taking it all in?” Jeonghan asked, knowing him all too well. “In case there’s no next time.”

Joshua smiles at him. “Why do you know me so well?” Joshua laughs, a genuine one. He sat on the bed before laying beside Jeonghan.

Jeonghan laughs as well, wanting to deal with the consequences later in the morning but for now, he’ll be selfish. He chooses himself. “Because it's you. I choose you tonight, tomorrow and in every single lifetime I’ll have. It's always gonna be you even if you’re not mine.” Jeonghan kissed his hand. 

Joshua instinctively caressed his cheek. “I’m sorry if we’re on borrowed time, Jeonghan.” Joshua said as he lay his head on Jeonghan’s chest. Joshua could hear Jeonghan's rapid heart beat.

“I’m not. Kahit isang oras lang, magpapasalamat parin ako, Joshua.” Jeonghan kissed his forehead before holding him close. “Wag ka munang mag-isip, mahal ko. May oras pa tayo.”

“Say that again.” Joshua looks up to him. 

Jeonghan smiles knowingly. “May oras pa tayo.”

“Hindi yon.” Joshua frowns. “Wag mo na akong asarin, Yoon Jeonghan.”

Tumawa si Jeonghan at umiling. “Ayon naman sinabi ko ah?”

Joshua hits his arm lightly before laying back down his back facing Jeonghan.

Jeonghan chuckled before moving closer to Joshua, pulling him closer. He wrapped his arms around Joshua before resting his chin on his shoulders. “I hope you’re comfortable in this position.”

“Being this close to you calmed something inside me, Jeonghan.” Joshha said honestly. For the first time in five months, his mind didn't race. His hands holding Jeonghan’s. They both stared at the garden view.

“Ganito kita ka-mahal, Shua.” Jeonghan confessed. “Kahit alam kong di ako ang pipiliin mo, pumayag ako.” Jeonghan cried as ruin started kicking in Jeonghan’s system. His tears falling onto Joshua’s skin. “Kahit mali, kahit hindi pwede, basta para sayo, Joshua. Lahat gagawain ko.” 

Joshua didn't want to move. He just wanted to feel Jeonghan. His warmth, every word he uttered, even the tears that hit his skin, he wanted to remember them. Encrave it to his skin and memory.

“Can you look at me, love?” Jeonghan asked while letting him go lightly so he could turn.

Joshua turns around slowly before putting his arms around his neck. “What can I do, Hannie? How can I make you stay?”

Jeonghan looks at him, quietly. He pushes the hair out of his face. “I’m still here, Joshua. I’m still yours. You’re still mine.” He smiles at Joshua before kissing the top of his head.

“And after tonight? How can I make you stay, Jeonghan? I don't think I can live without you.” Joshua gripped on Jeonghan’s shirt. “I want you to stay. I don't want a few hours with you, Hannie. I want more time.”

Jeonghan sighs softly. “Don't say that. You asked for one night and I’m giving it to you.” Jeonghan made Joshua look at him. “Okay? Get some rest, my love. We’ll be okay.”

But they were far from okay, they both knew it. Joshua caressed his cheeks. “Ang swerte ko. Someone like you loves me.” 

Hannie smiles and kisses his hand. He didn't speak but his eyes screamed Joshua’s name. He memorizes Joshua’s face as if he hasn't already. This could be the last time that he’ll let himself be selfish and be this close to the man he loves so much.

Joshua noticed his stares, Jeonghan was deciding. “Just stay, Jeonghan. You don't have to go.”

“But staying means I get half of you. Seokmin gets half of you. We both know that we both deserve better than half of you.”

Jeonghan's words carried weight but it was the truth. A reminder of their sad reality. “I need more time, Jeonghan.” Joshua looks at him. “Give me more time.” Joshua begged as he buried his face on Jeonghan's neck.

Jeonghan just holds him. He looks at the photo on his desk. It was the photo of him and Joshua’s first vacation together with Cheol, Mingyu and Wonwoo. “Ten days.” Jeonghan breaths out. “Is that enough?”

Joshua stayed still. “Stay until the day finishes.” Joshua knew what he meant. He knew what the ten days meant. He held him closer, tighter. 

Ramdam ni Jeonghan ang mga mahigpit na kapit ni Joshua. Ten days. It wasn't just time. It was a countdown to the wedding. A countdown before Jeonghan leaves.

Jeonghan rubs Joshua's back. “Joshua, mahal kita. Mahal na mahal kita.” Jeonghan whispers. “I broke my morals for you. Ganon kita kamahal.”

Joshua sighs softly. “Sinasabi mo ba na isa akong kasalanan?”

“God, no. Di ka kasalanan, Joshua pero ito.” Jeonghan pulls him closer and looks at him. “Holding you like you're mine, kissing your skin, feeling your skin against mine. It's a sin because you belong to someone else.” 

Joshua looks at him. “Why did you say yes?”

Jeonghan laughed. “Ikaw pa talaga ang nagtanong nan?” He smiles sadly. “Before you take someone else's surname, before you become someone else's husband, I get to say that you're mine kahit sandali lang.”

“Tangina Jeonghan.” Joshua pulls away, breath uneven, eyes glassy with something between anger and heartbreak.

Jeonghan looks at the clock. 3AM. “Joshua, mahal kita.” He wipes the younger’s tears. “Matulog na tayo, hm?”

“Will you still be here when I wake up?” Joshua lays his head on Jeonghan's chest.

Jeonghan stares at the ceiling. “I’m not going anywhere, Joshua.” Jeonghan reminds Joshua. “Di kita iiwan.”

Joshua held Jeonghan's hand. “Not tonight?”

Jeonghan closed his eyes. His tears fall down and shakes his head. “Not tonight, Joshua.”

Joshua nods before closing his eyes. His hand resting on top of Jeonghan’s. He listens to Jeonghan's calm heart beat. The room was filled with silence but the pain and love screamed between the two boys laying on the bed, just wanting to be chosen for the right reasons.

“I can't sleep.” Joshua sighs softly .

Jeonghan looks at him. “Do you want me to grab the melatonin for you?”

Joshua smiles. Kabisado mo talaga ako. His smile quickly fades. “How could I sleep knowing that I’ll lose you in the morning?” Joshua shifted his position before looking at him.

Jeonghan looked back before tucking a hair behind his ear. “Ang ganda mo. I wish I could see this pretty face every time I wake up in the morning.”

Joshua just stared at Jeonghan. “I hope morning never comes. I just want to stay here with you.” Joshua sat up before running his fingers through his hair, completely frustrated.

Jeonghan chuckled and sat up as well. “Either do I pero mahal, one way or another, morning will eventually come.”

Joshua glances at Jeonghan. Joshua moves slowly in front of him. Jeonghan just watches while his hands are on Joshua’s waist as support. 

“Joshua.” Jeonghan’s breath hitched when Joshua sat on his lap with his hands on Jeonghan’s hands. “Joshua, you don-”

Joshua crashed his lips against Jeonghan’s soft ones. Jeonghan froze, unable to move. Joshua tilted his head, he was asking to be kissed back. Jeonghan’s grip on his waist tightened.

“Please kiss me, Hannie.” Joshua rested his forehead against Jeonghan’s forehead. “Show me how much you love me, and maybe, just maybe, I can learn to let you go easily like you’re asking me too.” Joshua pleads.

Jeonghan looks into Joshua. “If I kiss you, I don't think that I’ll ever stop.” Jeonghan grazed his thumb on Joshua's lips. His eyes on the younger’s lips.

“Then don't stop. Just kiss me.” Joshua shifted his position on Jeonghan's lap. He was now straddling him.

“Mahal, think this through. Wag kang padalos-dalos. Don't do something that you’ll regret in the morning.” Jeonghan looks up to Joshua.

“You’re not a mistake for me to regret in the morning, Jeonghan.” Joshua looks at him. “Di ka pagkakamali. I know what I was doing the moment I got in my car and sped off here, in your arms. For the first time in five months, I’m not confused or I’m not overthinking.”

Jeonghan watched Joshua speak. His mannerisms are memorized like Joshua's tears would stream down his face and his nose would automatically scrunch. Jeonghan wipes his tears away.

“I feel like I’m supposed to be here. I feel like I belong here, Jeonghan. So please? Let me.” Joshua looks into his eyes. “Let me choose you… Not just tonight but for the rest of my life, Han. Let me choose you.”

Jeonghan smiles sadly. “You don't get to promise me a life, Shua.” Jeonghan’s eyes fell on Joshua’s hand. “Not when you’re wearing a ring of a promised life to another person.”

Joshua looks at the ring. The weight it carries reminded Joshua of morning.

“You shouldn't feel, Shua. You should know. You should know if you belong here. You should know what you are choosing because feeling is something but it's not everything. There's still hesitation, you question the feeling unlike if alam mo. Kasi kapag alam mo, sigurado ka.” Jeonghan smiles at Joshua. “I deserve something that is sure and is not a feeling.”

Joshua smiles back at Jeonghan and caresses his cheek. “I love you.” Joshua looks at Jeonghan. “Tonight, love me like I belong to you and you, alone.” Joshua removed the ring, placing it next to Jeonghan’s glasses. “Love me like there's no consequences tomorrow. Mahalin mo lang ako, Han. Kahit ngayong gabi lang.” 

Jeonghan looks at the ring before his eyes return to Joshua. “Even if morning comes, mamahalin parin kita.” Jeonghan held his cheek, caressing it slowly. “I’m sorry.” Jeonghan said sadly.

Joshua was about to look down when Jeonghan closed the gap between their lips. His eyes closed finally showing how he loved. His apologies weren't for Joshua. It was for someone who was miles away. Someone who is innocent from this betrayal. Seokmin. 

Jeonghan pulls Joshua closer. Their kiss was slow but sure. Jeonghan tilts his head, forgetting the world outside his bedroom. He was drunk on Joshua’s soft lips. 

Joshua shifted his position for a better position. Jeonghan's hands rested on his waist, as the kiss progressed. It became more torrid and passionate but it was still certain. Jeonghan pulls away for air and smiles at Joshua's swollen lips. 

Joshua returns the smile, his hand resting on Jeonghan's chest for balance. Joshua finds himself leaning again so Jeonghan leaned in as well, not making his lover - for tonight - waiting. Their lips were together again, moving in sync. 

This kiss was more desperate than the last one. Desperate because they knew that it was only for tonight. They were both desperate for this because it felt right, even if it wasn't. Joshua pulled away as the warmth of their bodies was slowly noticeable now.

He removed his shirt, tossing it on the floor before looking at Jeonghan. “You okay?” He asked and Jeonghan nodded. “Are you hot?” Jeonghan draped an arm around Joshua’s waist before moving to the bedside table grabbing the remote making it colder for them.

Joshua just smiled, putting his arm around Jeonghan. Inhaling his scent and kissing Jeonghan’s cheek. Jeonghan chuckled, “Baka masanay ka, iiwan mo pa ako sa umaga.” Joshua kissed him to shut up. Jeonghan smiled against his lips before carefully laying Joshua on the bed without breaking the kiss.

Joshua’s hands were on Jeonghan’s chest, pulling away. Wanting something but still hesitating, he finally looked at Jeonghan’s eyes. Jeonghan recognized certainty.

“Hannie.” Joshua called and it was the first time that Jeonghan heard this tone but he knew what it meant. “Love, are you sure?” Jeonghan asked despite the way Joshua's eyes were already giving him answers. 

Joshua nods, his hands on Jeonghan's cheeks. “I need words. I need consent.” Jeonghan said. He knows what he is doing, he was calling himself reckless in his head but the moment he kissed Joshua earlier, he lost control but he was already losing for seventeen years.

“I’m sure. I’m giving you consent. To ruin me.” Joshua spoke with conviction in his voice. Jeonghan pulls back and removes his shirt before he hovers over Joshua.

Joshua looks at Jeonghan's bare skin. He smiles before kissing Jeonghan’s lips. They move slowly, when Joshua pulls away to breathe. Jeonghan kissed Joshua's jaw, leaving wet traces on his skin. Jeonghan worshiped Joshua's skin but still didn't leave marks. He wasn't his to claim.

He could hear Joshua’s soft moans, Joshua was enjoying his touch. He pulled back to look at Joshua and the younger gave him a faint smile. Jeonghan smiled before pecking his lips. The consequences of tomorrow are forgotten.

Another piece of clothing was stripped off them, landing on the floor forgotten for the remainder of dawn. Soft moans and groans echoed in the room, reminding them both of the pleasure experienced. 

Countless “I love you” and “Mahal kita” repeated until it was the last thing Jeonghan told Joshua before the younger passed out in his arms. Jeonghan kissed his forehead. “Ganito kita kamahal, Joshua.” Ruin was finally caught up with Jeonghan. He cried silently as he just became something that he had always been afraid of.

—-------------

Morning came.

It was quiet. It was calm. It was peaceful like the two people on the bed holding each other like they belonged to one another. 

It was late in the morning and noon was approaching, they had a wedding errand to do but Joshua was not picking up since his phone was left in the living room coffee table next to Jeonghan's. 

“Sige, Seok. Baka he just overslept. Balitaan kita.” Seungcheol spoke to Seokmin. “I’ll go to Jeonghan's. Normally naka DND don and he had a meeting with his American bosses kaya siguro tulog pa yon.” Seungcheol informs Seokmin while his heart dropped seeing Joshua's car in Jeonghan’s property.

“Salamat Kuya Cheol. Please accompany Seokmin. Nandiyan na naman ako bukas. Thank you.” Seok said cheerfully while Seungcheol was grim. He was praying like crazy. 

He walked into Jeonghan’s house, everyone had keys to the place. He prayed that they didn't do anything stupid, and he noticed the two’s valuables on the coffee table. He went upstairs since it was eerily quiet. He checked the guest bedroom where Joshua normally slept when he slept at Jeonghan’s. Untouched and clean, Seungcheol's head instinctively looked at Jeonghan's bedroom's door and how he slowly walked towards it, not wanting to face his inhibitions.

But Seungcheol knew, alam niya na agad. He placed his hand on the door knob and took a deep breath before twisting it open. His heart dropped at how the room looked but his heart cracked when he saw the two on the bed. One was awake, while one was asleep. One was marked while the other was clean and pure. Seungcheol stood frozen in the doorway.

Jeonghan was holding Joshua in his arms. The thin blanket protecting them from the cold. Jeonghan just stared at Joshua’s face but he knew who was there at the door. The consequences came too quickly and it made Jeonghan tear up.

“Jeonghan.” Seungcheol called.

“Let's deal with it later. He’s still sleeping.” Jeonghan looks at Joshua while brushing his hair out of the way.

“Do you have any idea what you just did?” Seungcheol said.

“I know and I’m here. Reaping the consequences already.” Jeonghan said. “I really have to let him go now.” Jeonghan finally looks at Seungcheol.

“Kaya mo?” Seungcheol asked, broken for his friend as well.

“Kakayanin.” Jeonghan sighs softly. “Cheol,

if the talk goes south. Wag niyong iiwan si Joshua.”

Cheol looks at Jeonghan. He nods as his heart aches for the two. He wasn't happy with what they did but he knew Jeonghan became reckless and his recklessness came with a calculated risk and consequences. He already had a plan. Seungcheol closed the door quietly and waited in the living room.

Jeonghan looks at the clock and it was 11AM. It's morning and Joshua wasn't his anymore. His recklessness cost him everything so one more act of recklessness won't hurt him or his morality anymore. He leaned down and kissed Joshua's lips. Joshua kissed back in a few seconds, pulling him closer.

“Hannie.” Joshua said when they both pulled away. Joshua looked at him and caressed his cheek.

“Cheol, he saw us like this. He’s waiting for us downstairs.” Jeonghan looks back before kissing his forehead. “Mahal kita, Joshua. Palagi.” Jeonghan smiles and before pulling away and putting his clothes from the night before. 

Joshua watched him. Jeonghan grabs Joshua’s clothes on the floor and puts it in the laundry. He got a fresh towel and new clothes and underwear for Joshua to wear. “Get ready na.” Jeonghan's eyes were soft but they were sad.

“Han, choose me.” Joshua said. grabbing Jeonghan’s wrist when he puts the towel and clothes at the end of the bed.

“I am choosing you but not in the way you want.” Jeonghan smiled and pats his head before walking out of the bedroom.

Joshua sat there. The bed turning cold and empty, he just lost him. He stood up and went to the bathroom. He saw himself in the mirror, unmarked. He looked pure, clean and innocent while his eyes screamed something else. This broke him. Ganito kita ka mahal. Jeonghan's voice echoed in his head.

Jeonghan, on the other hand, was seated on the couch, his eyes on Joshua's phone. Text and calls from Seokmin were on Joshua’s lockscreen. “Umaga na talaga.” Jeonghan said out loud as reality hits and the consequences of last night are coming.

“Did you think that you’d get away from it?” Seungcheol asked from where he was standing.

“I wasn't going to run from this. Alam kong dadating to.” Jeonghan sighed heavily. “I’m just saying it came so quickly.” Jeonghan smiled sadly. 

Joshua took a shower, putting the fresh clothes on but he saw himself in the mirror, nothing about him felt clean. He went to the bed and sat on it, taking the ring in his hand. Contemplating whether to wear it or not, because this alone was already a choice. 

How could Joshua wear it? When he just begged Jeonghan to choose him? To be with him. How could he face Seokmin after that?”

Jeonghan was a man of precision. When he made a mistake, he knew what to do. When he decides,  he makes it final but what happened to them clouded his mind. He was unsure of what's next.

Joshua takes a deep breath and slips the ring on his finger. He looks at his ring, how his heart felt heavy not out of guilt or regret but it's because he didn't feel anything of that. That was worse. Last night wasn't a mistake but it was something that made sense after so long.

Wonwoo arrived with coffee. He knew that they needed it. He didn't speak, he waited for Joshua before he says his piece. Wonwoo just sat in a free arm chair waiting for the mess to unravel in front of him.

Jeonghan can hear all the footsteps coming down the stairs. He looks at Joshua, all cleaned up and ready. He watched him carefully, he sat beside Jeonghan. Knees touching, shoulder to shoulder, each other's warmth was felt. Jeonghan looks at Joshua's hand. The ring sat there where it belonged. “Di na ako lalaban.” Joshua said, fully accepting the situation.

Jeonghan sat still before nodding. “Go-” 

Joshua held his hand, caressing it. “I’m not fighting with you. I don't want that, not when I’ll lose you in ten days.” Joshua leans his head on his shoulder. “What I asked to do was the cruelest thing I did. I realized how much it must've hurt you.” Joshua caressed Jeonghan’s knuckles. “I wish we had more time but time was never our friend, Hannie.”

Jeonghan chuckled and nodded. He could feel Joshua’s tears on their hands. Jeonghan lets himself crack one last time. He made Joshua look at him. He wipes Joshua’s tears while his tears fall. Joshua avoids his gaze. “Look at me.” Joshua shakes his head. 

“Mahal, tignan mo ko. Please?” Joshua’s heart raced and finally looked up to meet his eyes. He looks at the two before looking at Joshua. “This is me, loving you loudly one last time.” Jeonghan closed the gap between them, letting two of their most trusted friends witness their love for the first and last time. 

Joshua kissed back as tears fell from his eyes as well. Their friends could only look while their hearts ached for the two. They used to see Jeonghan’s love for Joshua for years but today, they saw how Joshua loved his best friend. Joshua pulls away slowly and looks at Jeonghan. “Promise me.” Joshua paused. “You’ll leave in ten days. Not tonight. Not tomorrow. Not the day before the wedding but the day after.” Joshua caressed his cheek.

Jeonghan's shoulders shook as tears were pouring down. He just nodded and sniffed. “Well, did I ever break my promises to you?” Jeonghan smiled sadly, his eyes on Joshua’s. “I love you Joshua, that's why I’m letting you go.”

“I’m letting you go because I love you as well.” Joshua smiled sadly. “I hope you heal from this love, Hannie. All it did was bring you pain.” Joshua looks at Jeonghan, taking this close proximity until the day he learns to let Jeonghan go. 

“No, don't say it like it's a mistake. Like hurting is a mistake, I love you. Ayun lang yon.” Jeonghan kissed his hand, he looked at the ring. He smiled before looking at Joshua and he finally let his hand go. Jeonghan stares out the window as he couldn't watch Joshua walk away from his life completely.

Joshua sighs softly, that was his queue to leave. He grabbed his things and stood up. He looks at the two, asking him to accompany Jeonghan today. The two just nod. He glances at Jeonghan one last time before dragging his feet to the front door. 

“Cheol, hatid mo siya. Make sure that he’s not alone habang wala si Seokmin.” Jeonghan said, still not moving from his spot. Seungcheol just stood there. “Cheol.” Jeonghan finally looks up, eyes red from crying.

Seungcheol sighs softly before walking to follow Joshua and to his surprise, Joshua was still there by the front door frozen. Hearing Jeonghan’s request made his heart twist. Seungcheol could see Joshua crack but Joshua refused to break. Not here. Not when the distance is close, that he can take back what he said and run back to him because he was ready to choose Jeonghan before he slipped the ring back, before morning came. He was going to choose him but he knew that choosing Jeonghan in this situation was the cruelest thing he could do, so he let go. Joshua still chose him in the best way he knew how. 

Seungcheol leads Joshua to the car. “When will Seokmin arrive?” Seungcheol asked as he got into the driver's seat.

“Bukas ng tanghali.” Joshua looks at his hand. “Did I do the right thing, Cheol?”

“Are you having second thoughts?” Seungcheol asked as he drove out of Jeonghan’s property. He looked at the rear view mirror and he saw Jeonghan and Wonwoo on the porch watching them leave.

Joshua shakes his head. “No, I made my choice. Buo ang loob ko sa desisyon na ginawa ko. I just want to know if it's the right choice.”

“If you did it for the right reasons, then yeah.” Seungcheol said and looked over to Joshua. 

Joshua had his eyes closed, taking deep breaths. “Then I made the right choice.” Joshua looked at his ring.

Jeonghan watches the car drive off and finally lets himself break. He fell to the ground, wailing and grieving what he just lost. He hits his chest countless times, he blames himself for being too late. 

Wonwoo hovers and takes Jeonghan’s fist. He pulls his friend. “Han, tama na.” Wonwoo was obviously in pain, his tongue may be sharp to say the right thing but Wonwoo still saw the truth between their eyes, their kiss. Love was present between them.

“Did I make the right choice? Should I really let him go? Seventeen years, I waited and now, he finally sees me, Wonwoo.” Jeonghan cries into Wonwoo’s chest.

Wonwoo was about to answer when a car arrived at the property. It was Mingyu, he immediately parked the car and went to where Jeonghan and Wonwoo were. Mingyu looks at Jeonghan's state. “Fuck.” Mingyu cursed. “Mingyu.” Wonwoo tries to calm him down. 

“Mingyu, he told me. That he loves me.” Jeonghan said, shaking. “And I let him go, did I make the right choice?” He asked as his whole body shook. 

Mingyu looks at Jeonghan. “No, you didn't. You didn't make the right choice, seventeen years ago.” Mingyu took Jeonghan in his arms. “Kuya Han, tama na. Nasasaktan rin kami makita kang ganito.” Mingyu cried quietly.

Jeonghan stood up slowly but his legs were too weak to even stand. He held on to Mingyu for support and Mingyu carried him instead and they walked to the bedroom. Wonwoo opens Jeonghan’s room, Wonwoo and Mingyu see the aftermath of dawn.

Joshua’s clothes were on the floor, along with unopened packets of condoms and lubricants. Wonwoo went to the bed and dusted it off. Mingyu puts him down, Jeonghan immediately hugs the pillow Joshua used, curling up instantly. He closed his eyes, imagining that he was still holding Joshua.

—---------------------------

Joshua stood by his car and beside him was Seungcheol. It was around 1PM the next day and Seokmin was arriving at the airport. “Are you going to tell him?” Seungcheol asked as they waited for Seokmin.

Joshua looks up and sighs. “He deserves to know what he’s marrying into.” Joshua stared at his ring. “But what if he doesn’t want me after that?”

“Then you lose him as well, the way you let Jeonghan go yesterday.” Seungcheol puts his arm around Joshua’s shoulder comforting him. “But don’t go back to Jeonghan if Seokmin chooses to leave you.”

“I wasn’t planning to.” Joshua sighs softly and leans his head on Cheol’s shoulder. “He deserves someone whole. Someone who’s choose him.”

Seungcheol nods and looks at Joshua. “Whatever happens, nandito kami nila Wonwoo.” He sighs softly.

Joshua just sighs softly. He nods before sipping his coffee.

“Love!”  A bright, innocent voice called. A warm smile welcomes Joshua. 

Joshua smiles back before running in Seokmin’s arms. “Hi.” Joshua looks up to him and he looks at Seok’s eyes. How could I break him when he’s this happy to be with me?

“Your eyes…” Seokmin trailed off, obviously noticing they were swollen. “They’re swollen and kinda red? Umiyak ka ba?” Seokmin was concerned.

“Uhm, yea.” Joshua said truthfully. He looks down, trying to muster the courage to say that he betrayed him. “I was with Jeonghan.” 

“And everyone else. We had a crying session because Joshua’s the first of us to get married.” Seungcheol smiled at Seokmin before glancing at Joshua.

Joshua looks at Cheol with thankful eyes. Seungcheol smiled at Joshua. “Hey, let me help you with that.” Seungcheol took the luggage.

Joshua just hugged Seokmin in the middle of the busy airport. He realized what Jeonghan meant. Don’t throw the life you built away for something you just realized.

Joshua knew for five months and loved Jeonghan amidst the chaos while choosing and loving Seokmin everyday. Jeonghan was something that was too late but Seokmin was something he was so sure of for five years, that's why he chose him. Not because Jeonghan pushed him away but Jeonghan knew better. Kabisado mo talaga ako, Yoon Jeonghan.

—------------------

Jeonghan lets himself break. Let himself grieve. Just for one night. He allows himself for the first time in seventeen years. 

He laid on the bed while staring at the space where Joshua used to lay. The scent of his shampoo still lingered on the pillow, Jeonghan closed his eyes. His hand reached out trying to feel  Joshua once more but it was empty. 

He pulled the pillow Joshua used close and held it. He cried silently, yearning for something that wasn't his. Someone knocked on the door and Jeonghan just stayed still. 

“Han, kain na.” Mingyu walked in with a tray of food with Wonwoo and Cheol trailing behind him. Cheol came back after dropping the two off at their apartment.

“I’m not hungry.” Jeonghan spoke quietly, closing his eyes. Wonwoo sat beside Jeonghan and held him close. “Kuya Han, I know you're hurting pero kailangan mong kumain.”

Seungcheol sighs softly. “Han, please. Kahit limang subo lang ng lugaw.” He negotiates. Jeonghan groans, sitting up. Mingyu hands him the bowl and a spoon.

The room was silent and clean like the other night didn't happen. A clean slate but Jeonghan was one of the living proof that last night happened.

The three watched Jeonghan finish the bowl of porridge. He thanked them before settling in Wonwoo’s arms. “Kuya Han.” Wonwoo spoke.

“Ten days, guys.” Jeonghan looks at them. The trio was quiet once again. “Pag umalis ka, babalik ka pa rin ba?” Mingyu looks at him. 

“I need to be better. I need to find the version of myself before I become Joshua’s constant.” Jeonghan pauses. “I need to find another reason to live because Shua was the only reason I look forward to another day pero to answer your question, Mingyu. I’ll come back, ikakasal pa kayo ni Wonwoo.” Jeonghan smiled. “I have to be there. Ako ang best men niyo pareho. Wag na yan si Cheol.”

“I should have kept my mouth shut. It wouldn't have been this complicated if it wasn't for me.” Mingyu said and looked at Jeonghan and Jeonghan chuckled lightly. “No Mingyu. I’m still thankful it happened. Thank you.” Jeonghan smiled and opened his arms for Mingyu.

Mingyu joins the cuddles and holds on to Jeonghan and Wonwoo. “Sama mo kami ni Wonwon sa sabbatical mo.” Mingyu frowns.

“Bawal panget don.” Jeonghan laughs and looks at Seungcheol. Jeonghan smiled sadly. “Cheol, muka kang tanga jan. Lika ka na dito.” Jeonghan spoke and shook his head.

Cheol adds himself to the pile. “Basta Jeonghan, kapag di mo na kaya magisa. Isang tawag mo lang, we’ll come running.”

Jeonghan smiled at the ceiling. “Parang di niyo ako kilala. Kaya ko. Kakayain ko. Babalik ako sa inyo ng buo. Just promise me one thing.”

The three already knew what he was asking. "Kaming bahala, Jeonghan.” Seungcheol said before Jeonghan could even continue.

“Salamat.” Jeonghan smiled softly and finally closed his eyes. “Dito ba kayo matutulog?”

“If you want us to?” Wonwoo was held onto Jeonghan. All of them were hurting for Jeonghan but he was well because he was hurting for years. Alone.

Jeonghan just hums, letting the exhaustion take over his body. He held his three friends close to him.

—--------------- 

Seokmin just got out of the shower and he sees his fiancé staring at the window. “Babe, okay ka lang ba?” Seokmin hung his towel and went to hug Joshua. “Is something bothering you? Are you getting cold feet?” Seokmin asked and kissed the top of his head.

“Seok.” Joshua starts to speak and looks at Seokmin. His eyes were sparkling and full of warmth and love. “Can you listen to me?” He asked and made Seokmin sit in front of him.

Seok nodded and held his hand, anticipating. “Five months ago, Mingyu and I were drinking alone.” Joshua took a deep breath. “He told me something that I’ve never realized before.”

“Mingyu, does he love you?” Seokmin asked, still holding Joshua’s hand. Still calm but his heart was racing fast. 

Joshua laughs and shakes his head. Seokmin took a breath of relief. Joshua squeezed his hand and he took a deep breath, clearly showing the severity of the news he was about to break to Seokmin. Seokmin noticed Joshua’s actions. “It's not Mingyu, is it?” Seokmin’s eyes fell on their hands. 

Joshua's eyes start to water and shakes his head. “It’s Jeonghan, isn't it?” Seokmin said, his eyes on the ring. Joshua's tears were enough to answer the question. Their hands still clasped together. Seokmin sighs softly. “Why are you crying then?” Seokmin asked.

Joshua didn't know where to start explaining, he tried to speak but failed. Something clicked within Seokmin, they were all together last night. “Shua, did something happen?”

Joshua looks at Seokmin. He was already broken and lying to him was useless. “Yes. Something happened between us.” Joshua spoke. Seok stayed quiet. “Do you love him as well, Joshua?”

Joshua paused at the question before looking at Seokmin. There was no need to withhold the truth. “I do.” Joshua confessed. Seokmin’s hold tightened. “Do you know when?” Seokmin looks at him. 

Joshua nods and smiles sadly before sighing. “When I started realizing and seeing it.” Joshua said. “How about 5 months ago?” Seokmin threaded lightly as he was guarding his own heart as well but was still breaking into a million pieces.

“I loved him then, he was my friend.” Joshua said, looking at Seokmin. “You couldn't figure it out for five years, when I saw it right away when I met you guys.” Seokmin chuckled tiredly. His hold slowly loosened before actually pulling it away like it was surrender.

“I saw and felt it pero the confirmation still hurt.” Seok laughed humorlessly. “Seokmin.” Joshua tries to hold his hand but Seokmin pulls it away. “No, don't.” Seokmin softly.

“Baby, I love you. I want to marry you. I am sure.” Joshua said and Seokmin shook his head. “If you were sure, you wouldn't go to him. You wouldn't sleep with him.” Seokmin slowly stood up. “Seok, I’m still here. I chose you. I want to be with you.” Joshua stood up as well to level with Seokmin.

“You know what's the saddest part of what you said.” Seok looks at him. “You’re not trying to convince me.” Joshua froze. “You’re convincing yourself that you’re still here. That you chose me. That you want to be with me when we both know...” Seok chuckled lightly. “He chose for you.” 

Joshua looks at Seokmin. He didn't defend himself because his eyes and tears betrayed him. “I love you.” Seokmin smiles sadly, taking a deep breath wiping Joshua’s tears. “I still see myself marrying you. Growing old with you but now, I need to process this.” Seokmin said calmly. 

Joshua nods and kisses Seokmin’s cheek before packing some clothes into a duffle bag. Taking a look at Seokmin's back, before closing their bedroom door. He went to the living room and dialed Seungcheol’s number.

Wonwoo and Jeonghan fell asleep as Mingyu and Seungcheol were still awake, staying completely still not to wake the two. The room was silent, Seungcheol was slowly drifting to sleep when his ring tone echoed in the room and the two woke up from the loud ringing.

Seungcheol sat up. “Shit.” Seungcheol looks at the caller ID. “Sino?” Wonwoo yawns softly. Seungcheol answered the call without answering Wonwoo. “Joshua? Are you crying?”

“Cheol, please pick me up. Nandito ako sa labas ng apartment namin.” Humihikbi si Joshua. “I told him what happened.”

“All of it?” Seungcheol asked and looked at Jeonghan who was frozen on his spot.

“Lahat.” Joshua said as he stared into a distance. “He deserved honesty. I told him everything. I even told him that I didn't regret sleeping with my best friend.” Joshua laughed humorlessly.

Seungcheol looked at Jeonghan who hung his head low. “Seokmin is right, you can't love two people.” Joshua’s voice cracked. “I’ve hurt them both. I don't deserve either of them, Cheol.” Joshua was so broken and tired. “Ayoko na, Cheol. I’m so tired.”

Jeonghan’s head snapped up immediately and looks at Cheol. He kept his mouth shut but his eyes screamed a million emotions. Seungcheol was already grabbing his keys and jacket. “Send me your location.” Seungcheol said, walking out of the room as Jeonghan sat there on his bed. Exhausted.

—----------

Seungcheol arrived at the curb. He saw Joshua staring at his ring. He took a deep breath and went to Joshua. “Wala ka naman ginagawa katarantaduhan after I ended the call?” 

Joshua stood up. “I wouldn't have called you if I was planning something like that.” Joshua held on to Seungcheol and he silently cried on Cheol’s shoulder. Seungcheol just rubs his back. “Iiyak mo lang yan. Nandito kami para sayo.”

It made Joshua cry harder and his hug tighter. Seungcheol can feel every broken sob and wail and it broke him. He hated how the people he cherished were going through such things. “He didn't yell. Di rin siya galit. He was calm and his silence was so loud that it hurt more than being slapped.”

Seungcheol sighs softly. “Seokmin wouldn't hurt you.” He reminds his friend. “I wish he did. I wish he would have called me names or hurt me but he didn't.” Joshua sniffed, pulling away.

Seungcheol took Joshua’s bag from the ground. “Tara na muna. You need to rest.” Seungcheol said, guiding Joshua to the car and Joshua got inside. Seungcheol could feel eyes on them and he looked up and Seokmin was watching them from the window with his phone in his hand.

From: Seok

Please make sure that he gets water, Cheol. Kanina pa umiiyak si Joshua. Baka madehydrate. Salamat, Cheol.

Seungcheol reads the text. They really both love him. Seungcheol looks up to Seokmin and nods. He stared a little longer. Pain was inflicted right away into Seokmin. Seokmin smiles sadly and watches Seungcheol’s car leave.

—----------

Back in Jeonghan’s house, the night felt heavier than before. Jeonghan was awake. He hadn’t moved from his bed, though the others had long fallen asleep around him—Wonwoo on the couch, Mingyu half-slumped on a chair, Seungcheol’s spot empty. His eyes were fixed on the ceiling.

“Tanga ka,” he muttered to himself, voice hollow.

Seventeen years and he let go. Just like that but he knew—deep down—that it wasn’t ‘just like that.’ It was everything. Every restraint, every choice, every ounce of love he had that refused to become selfish.

His fingers curled against the sheets.

“Pinili kita,” he whispered into the empty room. “Pero hindi ko pwedeng kunin ka.”

A tear slipped down his face. He closed his eyes. Defeated. He didn’t reach for the pillow. He didn’t pretend Joshua was still there. He just let the emptiness sit beside him..

And somewhere between exhaustion and heartbreak, Jeonghan finally drifted into a slumber—not as someone who's hoping for more but as someone who had already let go.

The whole house was sunk into complete silence until at 2AM, Jeonghan received a call. Waking up the whole house.

Seokmin.

Jeonghan answered the call before Mingyu could even snatch the phone. It was on speaker.

“Meet me at xx parking lot.” Seokmin said. No salutations. Direct and firm. “Alone.”

Jeonghan was already grabbing his keys. “I’ll see you there.” He ends the call.

Mingyu stood in front of the door, preventing Jeonghan to leave. “Hindi. Di ka aalis mag isa.” 

Jeonghan sighed and looks at Wonwoo. “Don't look at me. Kampi ako kay Mingyu.” Sinabi ni Wonwoo. 

“This is between me and Seokmin.” Jeonghan said. “Di ka naman namin pinipigilan.” Mingyu said. “Ayaw lang namin mapahamak ka.”

Jeonghan looks at him. “Di ganon si Seokmin.” Jeonghan defended. “You don't know what anger or rage could do to a person.” Wonwoo said. 

That shut Jeonghan up. “Fine, alam ko naman di rin kayo magpapapigil.” Jeonghan said.

“Buti alam mo.” Mingyu steps aside and lets Jeonghan through. Mingyu and Wonwoo in their pajamas followed Jeonghan from a safe distance.

Jeonghan looks through the rear view mirror, the two still following him. He glanced at the envelope that sits on the passenger seat. He smiled at it. He was proud of it, his wedding gift to the two. Jeonghan turned the car into the park’s vicinity and he saw Seokmin standing from the bench when the car pulled up. 

Jeonghan turns off the engine and notices Mingyu’s car halting from a safe distance. He took the envelope and finally got down from the car. He walked towards Seokmin and stopped at least 3 feet away from him.

“Jeonghan.” Seokmin said and his eyes glanced at the envelope before looking at Jeonghan. “Ano yan?”

Jeonghan looks at him before glancing down at the envelope. “This is…” Jeonghan smiles softly. “My wedding gift for you and Joshua.” Jeonghan said before handing over the envelope to Seokmin.

Seokmin looked at it before taking it. He opened and saw the property documents, transfer of property and a house plan. “You got us a house? Ang bait mo naman.” Seokmin’s words were sharp and unkind.

“It's what he wanted. I just prepared it for him.” Jeonghan said. He looks down. 

“Ako dapat tumutupad mga pangarap niya para sa kanya. Hindi ikaw.” Seokmin said, shoving the documents into Jeonghan's chest. “You’re making yourself look like a hero again. Para sa amin? Bullshit, you’re just making yourself feel better after what you did.”

Jeonghan opens his mouth. “Seokmin.” Jeonghan’s eyes sting and shakes his head. “It was never my intention to make you feel that way. I just wanted to give him something for his wedding, this was something that I planned even before he met you.” Jeonghan said. 

“Giving him a house? That's NOT something.” Seokmin puts the papers back in the envelope before shoving it on Jeonghan’s chest. “Tangina mo Jeonghan. You’re making me doubt if he really loves me. Sure na nga dapat naging bato pa, putangina.” Seokmin exhales deeply in frustration 

Jeonghan stood there and finally spoke. “He is sure.  Mahal ka ni Joshua. He came back to y-” Jeonghan wasn't able to finish his sentence as Seokmin’s fist made contact with his cheek.

Everyone who was watching held their breaths. “He wasn’t supposed to come back in the first place because he was supposed to stay with me.” Seokmin said, taking a deep breath. “Sa akin siya, Jeonghan.” Seokmin took another swing at Jeonghan 

Mingyu got out of the car and Jeonghan raised his hand slightly, making Mingyu stop. Seokmin saw Mingyu and Wonwoo from a distance. He laughed humorlessly. “Wow, even now, you have people protecting you kahit ikaw yun mali.” Seokmin said, shaking his head disapprovingly.

“Seokmin.” Jeonghan said and looked up to him. “I never meant to hurt you.”

“Di masakit yung fact na mahal mo si Joshua. Wala naman akong magagawa kung mahal mo siya but kissing him and sleeping with him when he is mine. When he promised to marry me, you still let him. Ayun yun masakit, Jeonghan. Alam mo, aware ka!” Seokmin's voice raised. “Tangina, you didn't even bother covering the marks he left before facing me. It's like a fucking slap on my face.” Seokmin said.

Jeonghan kept quiet. He held the documents in his hands. 

“I don't even know if he’s mine anymore.” Seok spoke honestly. “I don't think I can stand there and look him in the eye when he says that he loves me kasi alam ko…” Seokmin laughs bitterly. “Alam kong di lang ako ang mahal niya.”

Jeonghan’s ear rang. His heart raced on what Seokmin was going to say next.

“Ang sakit ng ginawa niyo sa akin. Tangina.” Seokmin ran his hand through his hair, wanting to take another swing but restrained himself. “You made me doubt 5 years with one night. I don't think I can marry Joshua. Not like this.” Seokmin broke down in tears with his hands on his face.

Jeonghan looks at Seokmin. 'I don't think I can marry Joshua.' Jeonghan stood still, he shakes his head. Hindi pwedeng magisa si Joshua. Di kakayanin ni Joshua magisa. Jeonghan decides to be selfish once more. He looks at Seokmin. Para kay Joshua.

Jeonghan slowly gets on his knees and grabs Seokmin's wrist. “I’m in no position to beg or ask you anything. Again, I’ll be selfish, Seokmin.” Jeonghan’s grip on Seokmin’s wrist tightened. “Seok, he won't survive without you.” Jeonghan’s voice croaked.

“Puta.” Mingyu watched the man who was known to be proud, the man who never bowed his head to anyone, was now on his knees begging someone else to fight for love. A love that will ruin him for the rest of his life.

“Jeonghan.” Wonwoo’s heart ached for Jeonghan. Even Seokmin was stunned to see Jeonghan on his knees. 

“Seok, lahat gagawin ko.” Jeonghan buried his hands on Seokmin’s hands. “Wag mo lang iwan si Joshua.” Umiyak si Jeonghan, wasak. 

Seokmin watched how Jeonghan begged, how he broke himself for Joshua. Seokmin withdraws his hand from Jeonghan’s trembling ones. “Do you even know what you’re asking me?” Seok said, looking at him.

“Alam ko, Seokmin. Let me take the blame. Wag na si Joshua. Ako nalang saktan mo.” Jeonghan begged.

Seokmin closed his eyes as he could feel the pain Jeonghan was feeling as well as the pain he was feeling. He understood why Jeonghan begged, he understood why Jeonghan could only love Joshua this way. Quietly and unseen because if Jeonghan did love loudly and proudly. Talo si Seokmin, ngayon palang talo na si Seokmin. Jeonghan broke himself so Joshua can live the future he built even if he had to stay away.

Seokmin looks at Jeonghan. “Tayo.” 

Jeonghan stays frozen on the concrete pavement. His knees sting from the uneven surface. 

“Putangina, Jeonghan. Tumayo ka jan!” Seokmin yelled at him.

Mingyu was ready to lunge forward but Wonwoo stopped him before he could even move.

Jeonghan looked down, bowing even lower. He held Seokmin's ankles. “Seok.” Jeonghan's voice cracked.

Seokmin wanted to fall, he wanted to break as well but how could he fall? How could he break when Jeonghan already fell this low?

“Kuya Han, tama na.” Mingyu cried. Wonwoo looks at Jeonghan. He could only thought of Joshua. 'Sana makita mo kung gaano ka kamahal ni Jeonghan, Joshua. Wasak na wasak na yun tao. Walang natira. Kahit dignidad, walang tinira.' Wonwoo’s tear held from his cheek and he hugs Mingyu who wants to take Jeonghan away from here. 

Seokmin tried to pull Jeonghan up but he didn't budge. “Jeonghan, enough. Tumayo ka na jan.” Seok said, his voice was now kinder. He was tired from the mess. “Makinig ka sa kanila, Jeonghan. Kanina ka pa nakaluhod.” Kahit si Seokmin ay naawa na, he offered his hand.

Jeonghan looks at Seokmin’s hand and accepts it. He stood up slowly but his head still hung low. Mingyu instinctively stepped forward, but Jeonghan steadied himself before anyone could touch him.

“Gets kita, Jeonghan. Kahit ako, ayaw kong mag-isa si Joshua but he still cheated on me. You taking the blame won't change that fact he did betray me.” Seokmin said and sighs softly. “You should've let him choose you.”

“But he did cho-” Jeonghan was cut off by Seokmin. “No, kilala ko si Joshua. He would have chosen you.” Seokmin smiled sadly. “Jeonghan, ang laki ng hinihingi mo sa akin pero putang ina, I’m actually considering it.” Seokmin shakes his head.

“Mahal ko si Joshua, kaya I’m willing to fight for his love.” Seokmin said. “Aagawin ko siya. I’ll make him forget about you.” Seokmin clenched his fist. 

Jeonghan hung his head low and nodded. “Thank you.” Jeonghan whispered.

“I’m not doing it because of you but because I love him.” Seokmin said, shedding a few tears. Seeing Jeonghan’s pain. “Gusto kong magalit sayo, Kuya Han pero di ko magawa kasi nagmahal ka lang rin.”

Jeonghan kept quiet. He felt a hand on his shoulder, a small pat. “Maraming salamat, Kuya Han. Sa lahat.” Seokmin said before taking the envelope from Jeonghan.

“You won't hear from me again. I promise.” Jeonghan finally looks up.

Seokmin nods. “Good.” Seokmin sighs. “Ako nang bahala sa kanya.” Seok said before turning his back at Jeonghan and walking back to his car.

Jeonghan steps aside so Seokmin could leave the parking lot and watch him drive away. Mingyu and Wonwoo immediately walked over to hold Jeonghan but he was numb from everything. Finally, he was seeing his ending in Joshua's life.

“Uwi na tayo.” Jeonghan said.

—-----------------------

Jeonghan was sitting on his couch, exhausted. Mingyu gave him a bottle of electrolytes. “Drink that. You’ve been crying non-stop. Baka madehydrate at lagnatin ka.” Mingyu sat beside him. 

Jeonghan nodded and obediently followed Mingyu’s orders. Wonwoo got the first aid kit from the bathroom. “Gamotin kita para makatulog ka na.”

Jeonghan just faced Wonwoo. Wonwoo cleans the cut on his lip and cheek and Jeonghan would flinch once in a while. “Sakit?” Mingyu just watched.

Jeonghan kept quiet as everyone knew the answer to that question. “Hindi.” Jeonghan said.

“Sigurado ka?” Wonwoo asked as he dabs some ointment on the wounds.

“Hindi na masakit kung sanay ka na.” Jeonghan smiles. Wonwoo flicked his forehead. “Matulog ka na nga.” Wonwoo said.

Jeonghan flinched but nodded. Mingyu took Jeonghan’s phone. “Deserve mo ng mahimbing na tulog ngayon. No calls or texts. I’ll monitor your phone if tita calls.” Mingyu said.

“If mama was here, she would have been hysterical.” Jeonghan sighs softly, trudging to his bedroom.

—-----------------

Joshua gets out of the car, five minutes after Jeonghan and the others left. He walked slowly to the spot where Jeonghan kneels down.

Wonwoo texted Seungcheol about Seokmin meeting Jeonghan but it was Joshua who saw it instead of Cheol. 

“Joshua, kapag pumunta tayo don.” Seungcheol paused. “Lala lang yun situation. Hayaan mo na sila.”

“They're meeting because of me, Cheol.” Joshua said, taking his jacket. “I can't sit still knowing that something might happen to either of them.”

Wala nang iiyak si Joshua. He just stared at the space where the men he loved stood. Seeing how they both loved him enough to break themselves, lalo na si Jeonghan.

“How am I supposed to move on with my life after witnessing that?” Joshua said, looking at Seungcheol.

“You just have to, Joshua.” Seungcheol said. “Pero Joshua, I hope you know what you are choosing now. I hope what you are choosing doesn't need convincing of yourself or the person you choose. Choose for the right reasons, not because it feels right; not because Jeonghan chooses for you but choose for yourself and what you actually want.”

Joshua stood there in silence, he knew what he wanted and he chose it everyday for five years. “I just don't want to hurt him anymore. I’m letting him go, Cheol.” Joshua’s knees buckle as he slowly kneels on the spot where Jeonghan knelt. “Wala na akong mukhang ihaharap sayo, Hannie. Please, piliin mo naman yun sarili mo. You deserve that. I hope you find someone who will love you the way you love me.” Joshua finally let Jeonghan go.

He stared at the concrete. He closed his eyes slowly. The scene of Jeonghan on his knees, begging for something that was already heart breaking, played on Joshua’s mind. Tears quietly and it was time for Joshua to love Jeonghan quietly and from a distance. 

Joshua stood up slowly. “Cheol, take me home.” Joshua looks at Cheol. “To Seokmin.”

—-------------------

Seokmin laid on their bed alone. He was staring at the ceiling, still pondering whether to fix everything with Joshua or just end it.

He closed his eyes, wanting to sleep. He feels the bed sink. He knows. The weight, the familiar warmth and smell. He kept still.

The way Joshua slowly gets into Seokmin's space. Joshua stared at Joshua. His eyes swollen and his nose red. Joshua slowly wrapped his arms around Seokmin. His head resting on Seokmin's chest. 

Seokmin wrapped his arms around Joshua. “I know you've been crying. Did you at least eat and drink some water?” Seokmin still with his eyes closed.

“Cheol made sure that I ate something.” Joshua said, closing his eyes and clutched on his shirt. “Seokmin, can we ta-”

“Wag muna ngayon. Pagod pa ako.” Seokmin answered. “Ayaw ko magsalita ng galit ako. I don't want to make decisions when pain and anger can cloud my judgement.” Seokmin finally opens his eyes before looking at Joshua.

Joshua nods, understanding Seokmin. “Okay. Pahinga ka, Seok.” 

Seokmin kissed Joshua's forehead. “Mahal kita, Joshua. I choose you, everyday.”

“Even after what I did?” Joshua asked, his tears flowing once again.

“Even after what you did.” Seokmin smiled faintly. “Tulog na tayo, Joshua.” 

Joshua nods and holds Seokmin tighter, letting exhaustion take over. Seokmin, he couldn't sleep as his messy mind wouldn't let him rest.

Seokmin looks at Joshua. “How can I hate you?” He said quietly. “I’d fold too if I was in your shoes.” Seokmin caressed Joshua’s back, he stared at Joshua's sleeping face. “He begged, Shua. He begged me to stay with you because he knows that you’ll choose me.” 

Seokmin just held Joshua closer. “I hope when I wake up in the morning, I have a decision.” Seokmin said, closing his eyes. 

Leaving is hard but choosing to stay is even harder.

—--------------------------

The next day, Jeonghan’s house was quiet but it didn't feel empty. Just acceptance of what had happened. 

Jeonghan sat at the dining table, smiling faintly as memories of their laughter and tears in his house flooded his mind. Not just Joshua but their whole friend group. 

Mingyu glanced at Jeonghan before looking over to Wonwoo. Wonwoo just smiled sadly as they can't even take a portion of Jeonghan's pain so it can be easier for Jeonghan to carry.

Mingyu and Wonwoo prepare the breakfast in silence. “I booked my flight. Naka kuha na rin ako ng bahay.” Jeonghan looks at the two.

Wonwoo nods quietly while Mingyu sighs. “Di mo ba talaga sasabihin sa amin? Paano kung may mangyari sayo? Who would know?” Mingyu puts the knife down not seeing why his location was a secret. 

“Mama will know. She’s coming over today. I called her na aalis ako for my sabbatical and she said that she’ll come over to talk.” Jeonghan sighs softly.

“Does tita know?” Wonwoo asked as he was whisking the egg. 

Jeonghan’s eyes flickered before looking up to Wonwoo. “Not yet. I’ll tell her when she arrives.”

Wonwoo nods before taking a deep breath. Mingyu just sighs and continues to make breakfast. 

In the middle of cleaning up, Jeonghan’s front door opened. His mom arrived.

“Tita, good morning.” Wonwoo was the first person that Jeonghan’s mom ran into. Giving her a warm embrace.

“Oh, nandito pala kayo. Hello.” Jeonghan's mom smiled, hugging Wonwoo back. “Mingyu, umuwi ka daw sa inyo. Miss ka na ng nanay mo.” Mingyu’s mom and Jeonghan’s mom were cousins, that is why Mingyu is protective of Jeonghan because when Mingyu’s dad left for another woman. Jeonghan stepped up and helped his mom raise him.

“Opo tita.” Mingyu smiles faintly. One that didn't reach his eyes. Jeonghan's mom could sense it but her son was nowhere to be seen. “Nasa balcony po si Kuya Han. Sa kwarto niya.” Mingyu said. “Tita, convince him to stay. Tita, I know you keep asking me bakit di nagkakaroon ng jowa si Kuya. You're about to know the reason, Tita.” Mingyu said quietly.

Jeonghan's mom hugs Mingyu. “I’m not blind, but I can feel something bad happening these past few days. Tama ba ako, Wonwoo?” Jeonghan’s mom glanced at Wonwoo.

Wonwoo just smiled sadly with apologetic eyes. “Tita, you should talk to him. He doesn't have to leave.”

“Kilala niyo ang anak ko. Lalo ka na Mingyu. Alam mong di natin yon maawat.” Jeonghan's mom said before letting her nephew going, giving Wonwoo a pat on the shoulder and went upstairs.

Jeonghan takes a drag of his cigarette, the man used to smoke but Joshua made him quit. He bitterly laughs at the situation. 

“Antagal mo di humawak nan, Jeonghan.” The strict but warm voice of his mother warned. 

Jeonghan looks at the half done cigarette and shakes his head before putting it out on the ashtray. “I’d hug you, ma pero I smoked.” He smiled sheepishly.

His mom didn't mind, she embraced him instead. Jeonghan relaxed in his mom’s warm embrace but there was still a wall. She can feel it. “You don't have to pretend, Jeonghan. Si mama to.” His mom reminded him.

Jeonghan sighs. “I’m not pretending, mama. Napagod nalang ako.” He pulls away to look at his mom before smiling sadly.

She puts the stray hair to the sides. “Napagod ka?” She asked. “Mabuhay? Magmahal? Tell me para makahanap tayo ng pahinga mo.” 

Jeonghan stared into the distance. He was exhausted from crying but he was never tired of loving Joshua. He lived because he loved. “I’m physically tired. Ikaw ba naman umiyak ng ilan araw.” Jeonghan laughs like it was nothing.

“Anak.” His mom held his arm. “I’m really tired physically, ma. Never ako mapapagod mahalin si Joshua.” Jeonghan answers his mom.

She smiles softly before nodding. “Okay, nak but can you tell me what happened?” Jeonghan's face suddenly fell. 

“I became what we were most afraid of.” Jeonghan said quietly. It took a second for Jeonghan’s mom to realize what he was trying to say. “Jeonghan.” Her voice became stern but still filled with warmth and understanding.

“I’m sorry, ma. I tried to stop him, I tried to stop it from happening but I got weak because I was finally getting to spend a night with him.” Jeonghan's voice crackled and tears fell from his cheek. Akala niya ubos na ang mga luha niya pero may nahuhulog parin, di parin pala siya nauubos.

“Seventeen years, I waited.” Jeonghan broke down again. “To be acknowledged. To be seen.” He took a deep breath. “Pinili niya ako, ma. Kahit sandali lang.” He looks at his mom, looking for validation to justify what he did. “Paano?” He paused. “Paano ko tatanggihan yon?”

Jeonghan's mom paused taking it in. “May nangyari ba sa inyo?” She asked calmly as there's still disappointment over her son’s actions. Jeonghan nods. “Opo at di ako nagsisi, mama.” Jeonghan’s cries became louder making his two friends who was downstairs stop moving.

Mingyu’s biological father was a cheater. Jeonghan's father left his family for a younger lass. Being a home wrecker was obviously not in the cards for Jeonghan but here he was, becoming the last person he wanted to be and the worst part, there was no guilt or regret because he loved the person so much that he broke his morals.

His mom remained quiet. She held his hands. “Di ko kayang magalit sayo, anak.” She paused as she shed tears of her own. “Kasi naiintindihan ko, nak. Naiintindihan ni mama.” She pulls her son close.

Jeonghan never apologized, not even to the person he wronged but now, he was on his knees again, crying on his mom’s lap. “Mama, I’m sorry.”

Jeonghan’s mom lifted his head. “Jeonghan, nasasaktan ako sa ginawa mo.” She wipes his tears before smiling faintly. “I know you tried to prevent it from happening, nak. God, Jeonghan, ang sakit.” She sighs heavily.

Jeonghan just quietly stayed on his knees, as his whole being was shaking from the confession. “Were you able to say everything you wanted?” She asked.

“I made him feel it.” Jeonghan smiled proudly. She smiles and nods. “I’m happy for you even though it was short lived.” She held her son. 

“It was more than enough.” Jeonghan said. “It's time for me to move forward.” Jeonghan smiled at his mom. Jeonghan tells his mom, his itinerary, where he was going, everything. His mom took note of them. “When do you leave?” His mom asked.

“The night before the wedding.” Jeonghan smiles softly. His mom just nodded. “Okay, we’ll take you to the airport.”

“Ma, don't tell Mingyu where I am unless it's absolutely necessary.” Jeonghan said.

His mom chuckled and nodded. “I watched you love your best friend for almost two decades but I kept quiet naman ah?” 

Jeonghan laughed and hugged his mom. “Pwede kang sumunod sa akin, ma? Anytime.” 

“Don't do that now.” She hugs him back. “Di ka pa aalis.”

Jeonghan just chuckled lightly. “Thank you for coming, ma.”

“Kahit nasaan ka pa, susunod ako.” She kissed her boy’s cheek. 

—------------------------

Across the city, Joshua wakes up alone in bed but the apartment smells like coffee and eggs. He got up and saw Seokmin, making eggs. His back facing him, Joshua walks towards and hugs him from behind.

“Let me hold you right now, just for a minute.” Joshua said, burying his head on Seokmin's back inhaling his scent. “Whatever you do next, I’ll accept it if you leave or stay but let me have this.” Joshua whispered but Seokmin heard it clearly.

Seokmin lets Joshua hold him. One hand above Joshua’s hand that was around his torso with the other making eggs. After a while, Seokmin spoke. “I’m staying, Shua. I love you despite everything that happened but I need you to be sure about me.” 

Joshua just nodded and his embrace got tighter. “I’m sure.” Joshua pulls away to get in front of Seokmin, hugging him again. “Because I know.”

When you know, sigurado ka. Jeonghan's words echoed through his head.

“I’m not choosing you because you were safe. Not because baka manghihinayan ako. I’m choosing you because I know.” Joshua's shoulder shakes. “Love is something you know. It's something that's for sure. It's something you choose everyday, Seok. I choose you everyday.” Joshua held his hands.

Seokmin looks at him. “Look at me, baby.” Joshua looks up with red and swollen eyes. Seokmin took a deep breath before speaking. “I will stay but what happened is something that will not be fixed overnight, not even in ten days.”

Joshua listened and nodded. “Shua, you love me but you can't grieve for him at the same time.” Seokmin said softly.

Joshua looks at him. “I know.” Joshua nods. “Seokmin, I don't want to hurt you.”

“Too bad, Josh. You already did.” Seokmin said honestly. “No amount of apologies can mend my broken heart right now but I still love you. Kahit wasak ako, kahit nasasaktan ako. I still choose you.” 

That made Joshua’s chest hurt. “Joshua, don't love me out of guilt or regret. If you want to reschedule the wedding or call it off muna. I will understand.”

Natawa si Joshua before hugging Seokmin. “Hindi ba dapat ako magtanong sayo nan? Shouldn't you be the one calling off the wedding?”

Seokmin sighs. “I should but I can’t.” Seokmin smiles before kissing his forehead. “I love you. I still see myself marrying you.” Seokmin pulls him close.

“Then there's a wedding, Seok.” Joshua answering his question.

Seokmin nods before kissing the top of his head. “Okay baby.” He rubs Shua’s back. “I love you.”

“I love you, Seok. Mahal na mahal.” Joshua looks at him before kissing his cheek.

“I know. You came back to me.” Seokmin just holds Joshua.

—---------------------------

The days went by and the wedding was slowly coming together. Relatives and friends were starting to fly in. 

Joshua's family arrived. Joshua's mom couldn't help but notice Jeonghan's disappearance. She only saw Cheol present everyday and Wonwoo occasionally dropped by but Mingyu and Jeonghan never showed up.

Joshua always stood by Seokmin. Making sure he was alright, he became more attentive to Seokmin’s needs. 

“Love, di ka ba gutom? You didn't eat breakfast.” Joshua puts his arms around Seokmin. 

“I’m fine.” Seok smiles, kissing his cheek. “May final food tasting tayo later. Dun nalang ako babawi.” Seok kissed Joshua’s neck, burying his face there.

“Okay po.” Joshua smiles and melts into his touch. “I love you.” He said.

“I know.” Seokmin smiles before kissing his cheek. “I love you too.”

“Okay love birds. Pasantabi po muna. I need Seokmin muna for his fitting.” The wedding coordinator approached them.

“Sandali lang, love.” Seok lets go gently before following the coordinator to the room. 

Joshua nods before walking towards his mom. His mom smiled and held her son close. “Dalawang araw nalang, Hong-Lee ka na.” His mom teased him.

“I know, mom. I can't believe it either.” Joshua spoke as he still couldn't believe that Seok still wanted to marry him after what he did.

“Where's Hannie? Namiss ko yun batang yon. I’ve been here for days and I didn't even see his shadow.” Joshua’s mom said.

Joshua smiles but it was a sad one. “Jeonghan's busy, ma. He has a sabbatical leave and he leaves after the wedding from what he told me.” 

“But ikakasal ka? When you were picking venues, nandon siya. He never left your side.” Joshua's mom spoke. Joshua's silence was loud enough. He looks at Seokmin who was with his mom. 

“He’s not coming to the wedding.” Joshua looks at his mom. “Jeonghan and I, we did something unforgivable but Seokmin, he still wants to marry me even after what I did.”

His mom listened carefully. “Ma, mahal ko si Jeonghan but I love Seokmin as well and I choose him.” Joshua spoke. “Jeonghan chose me by leaving and letting me be happy even if it broke him.”

“Shua.” His mom held his hand. “He begged Seokmin to choose me.” A tear fell. “He got on his knees and begged.” He whispered. “Oh Joshua.” His mom hugged him.

Joshua remained strong and held on to his mom. He didn't break down but just let a few tears fall. “He loved me deeply and maybe that will be enough.” Joshua sighs softly.

—-------------------------

“Seok, I can't come in today. Sasabihan sana kita kahapon but you and Joshua were busy entertaining guests.” Seungcheol spoke on the phone to Seokmin.

“Its okay, Kuya Cheol pero sa rehearsal dinner mamaya? Kaya mo ba makasunod?” Seok spoke back while watching Joshua interact with his family.

“I don't think I can. Jeonghan's leaving around that time. I hope you understand, Seok.” Cheol said.

“No, I get it. Salamat Kuya. I’ll see you tomorrow?” Seok shed a tear quietly, his eyes still on Joshua.

“Of course. I’ll be there.” Cheol ended the call.

Seok looks at Joshua still. His heart aching, he really left. Joshua laughed innocently as the other owner of half of his heart was finally leaving tonight. 

Seokmin’s thumb hovered over his phone. He bit his lip opening the message.

To Kuya Seok:

Kuya, ingat ka don. Thank you for keeping your promise. I’ll take care of him, for us both. I hope when you come back, okay na ako. Okay na si Joshua. Your friendship for us both was really important to us as well. Thank you for everything, even loving my fiancé without asking for anything back. I pray for our healing, especially yours. I don't know how you can do it. Walking away from the love of your life, I can only imagine how it must've hurt you. Kuya, di ako galit dahil mahal mo si Shua pero nagalit ako sa ginawa niyo. I hope you find happiness, you deserve it. Maraming salamat, kuya Han. 

Seokmin looks at the message as he takes a deep breath. He locks his phone instead of sending the message.

He wipes his tears and clears his throat before walking towards Joshua, hugging him from behind. If Jeonghan gets to be selfish, Seok becomes selfish as well by withholding the information of Jeonghan leaving in a few hours.

“I love you, Joshua.” Seokmin whispered to his ear before kissing his cheek.

“I love you too.” Joshua giggled, turning to face him and hugs him back.

Seokmin buried his face on Joshua's neck. 

I’m sorry, Joshua.'

—---------------------

Jeonghan finally finished packing. His mom was on her way to pick him. He walks around the house quietly, trying to remember every single memory. He stares into the guest room that has always been Joshua’s room in his house. He walked to the bedroom, he sighed loudly.

Only memories of the night they shared were replayed in his mind. He remembered how he claimed Joshua's lips, how Joshua claimed him with every kiss and marks on his skin. The countless I love yous echoed in his mind. “Tangina.” Jeonghan supported his weight on the door.

“Kuya Han! 30 minutes away na si Tita.” Mingyu yelled from the living room. “I’ll be right down.” Jeonghan said, his eyes were still on the room. He sighed softly. He takes the knob in his hand before closing the door. 

Jeonghan went downstairs. He saw the three of his friends there in the living room. “Guys, upo kayo.” Jeonghan said on the couch pointing to the other couch. 

The three looked at him before moving to the couch. “I swear Kuya Han, pagod na akong umiyak.” Mingyu looks at his Kuya Han.

“Well, I’m sorry for making you cry with me, Mingyu.” Jeonghan smiles sadly. “You know this house has many memories.”

“Ibebenta mo?” Mingyu asked.

“Can you let me talk?” Jeonghan chuckled. Mingyu smiles sheepishly and leans on Wonwoo. “This house holds a lot of memories. Di lang ako pero sa inyo rin.” Nilapag ni Jeonghan ang susi sa harapan ni Wonwoo at Mingyu.

“I am leaving my house with you two. Alam kong aalagaan niyo tong bahay ko.” Jeonghan says softly. “We can't take this from you.” Nagsalita si Wonwoo.

“Wonwoo, you will. Look at the boy clinging to you. He wants it.” Jeonghan looks at Mingyu. He chuckles softly. Jeonghan looks over to Seungcheol. He placed two keys in front of Seungcheol.

“I’d rather have you here kaysa sa motor and Land Cruiser mo, Jeonghan.” Seungcheol looks away. “You of all people know why I am doing this. Aren't you doing the same thing I am doing?”

The other two sat in silence. “I know how you look at him, Cheol. You’re letting him go too.” Jeonghan said.

“Tangina mo.” Tumawa si Cheol. “Bakit mali ako?” Jeonghan said. “You’re right but at least, I didn’t act on it.” Cheol said, shaking his head. Wonwoo and Mingyu were dumbfounded but didn’t dare switch the topic.

“Bat ang bobo natin magmahal?” Jeonghan sighs softly. “Ay wag nyo kaming idamay. Di ako torpe tulad niyo.’ Mingyu jokes while holding Wonwoo’s hand making the air lighter for them.

Seungcheol just chuckled before looking at Jeonghan. “Basta mag ingat ka dun.” Jeonghan smiled. “Of course, I will. Ikakasal pa yang dalawa.” He points to the other two.

“Sure ba kayo magpapatali ako kay Mingyu?” Wonwoo jokes. “Wonwon!” Mingyu whines before hugging Wonwoo. Wonwoo just chuckled, wanting to calm Mingyu down. Soon enough, they heard Jeonghan’s mom arriving at the house. The couple got Jeonghan’s things and brought them to the van.

Jeonghan looks at his living room one last time. His eyes glanced at the couch where he kissed Joshua in front of Cheol and Wonwoo. “Wag kang tanga.” Seungcheol said before carrying his duffle bag for him. “Ikaw rin, isa ka pang tanga.” Jeonghan chuckled as he looked at Cheol. “I know it's too much to ask pero Cheol.”

“I got them.” Seungcheol said before Han could continue his sentence. “Don't worry. I’ll take care of Mingyu and Wonwoo as well.”

“I owe you a lot.” Jeonghan tears up. “No, you don't. I’m willing to take care of everyone. Focus on yourself so you can come back.” Seungcheol pats his back.

“Ang hirap niyang bitawan.” Jeonghan sighs softly. “Tell me about it.” Seungcheol sighs as well before walking out the door letting Jeonghan have a moment by himself. 

Jeonghan’s eyes stayed on the couch and wiped the tears that were pouring down. He slowly walks to the door before closing the front door. 

The door clicking sounded heavier now as he was saying goodbye to the house but also to his home who was probably getting ready for his rehearsal dinner.

“Goodbye mahal ko.” 

—--------------------

Seokmin and Joshua were in the middle of their rehearsal dinner. Joshua smiled and greeted family and friends but it was visible that Joshua was lonely. 

His closest friends weren't present. Joshua was seated with his family while Seokmin spoke to his co-workers and friends. His mom could only hold his hand. “I’m fine.” Joshua chuckled.

“You don't look like it.” His mom said. “Shua, if you choose to walk away from this, I’ll take care of it for you.” She whispered to his ear. “Mom, I’m sure about this.” His voice is low and inaudible for other people.

Joshua kept smiling through the noise of clinking glasses and polite laughter, but his hands never stopped fidgeting under the table.

“You okay?” Seokmin sits beside him. Joshua looks at him. “Just tired.” Joshua yawns softly. “I know. It's been a tiring few days.” Seokmin kissed his hand. 

Joshua nods before leaning his head on his shoulders and looks at the visitors. “Kahit si Cheol, wala. Did I really mess our friendship up?” Joshua asked.

Seokmin looks at Joshua. “He’s leaving. Now as we speak.” Seokmin said, anticipating Joshua's reaction. “Si Jeonghan.” 

Joshua looks at him. “I knew what you meant. Kilala ko si Han.” He smiles faintly before sipping from his champagne.

Seokmin looked for cracks but Joshua didn't give him cracks because he was already broken. His smiles didn't reach his eyes anymore, he didn't eat properly. His mind was in another place almost always. 

Seokmin kissed Joshua’s lips and a tear fell down and looked at him. “Go.” Seokmin said before handing him the keys of their car. “Seok, no.” Joshua said.

“Go before you regret it.” Seok said and smiled faintly. “We’ll talk later.” Seok said before kissing his forehead. Joshua looks at him, wanting to break down. “I’ll be okay, Shua.” Seok said softly and the cracks were getting bigger on Seokmin’s face.

Joshua looks at the keys in his hands. Joshua kissed his cheek before standing slowly and running out of the hall, making everyone confused but Joshua’s mom looked at Seokmin on the table, his head hung low. Defeated.

She knew immediately what happened. She went to Joshua and pats his shoulder. “Are you okay?” She asked. “Oh stupid me, of course you're not.” She spoke. “Tita, I let him go to him to say goodbye.” Seokmin said.

Seokmin noticed his parents coming up to him. “Anak, san pumunta si Joshua? Is the wedding off?” His mother asked. “He went to the airport, his best friend is leaving. He’s just going to say goodbye.” Seokmin answered, the second question left unanswered because he doesn't know if he’ll push through with the wedding. 

—----------------

Joshua arrived at the airport. Abandoning the car to the valet. He ran to security check and went to another terminal, to the international departures. 

He saw them. Seungcheol, Wonwoo, Mingyu and his mom, they looked like they were crying and Jeonghan, he was nowhere to be seen. He was too late. He watched them cry and he fell to his knees before he could reach his friends, sobbing. He didn't care if the people around him looked. He hits his chest while crying.

Mingyu wiped his tears and saw a shadow that was all too familiar. He walks towards Joshua, Wonwoo and Seungcheol follows Mingyu’s direction and there was Joshua, on his knees.

“Fuck.” Wonwoo said before running toward Mingyu and Joshua. Mingyu held Joshua. “Hey, I need you to breathe, Kuya Joshua.” Mingyu cried quietly. Joshua didn't answer and he just wailed. 

Jeonghan walks out of the restroom and notices Mingyu and Wonwoo weren't with his mom and Seungcheol. “Asan yung dalawa?” Jeonghan asked.

Seungcheol points to where they were. Jeonghan was shocked to see Joshua unable to breathe from crying . He put his bag down and ran to Joshua. “Joshua, where's your inhaler?” Jeonghan asked, panicked.

Joshua's eyes widened and hugs Jeonghan instead, trying to control his breathing. “You’re still here.” Joshua managed despite stuttering so badly. Joshua held on to his hoodie.

“I need you to breathe, Joshua.” Jeonghan spoke. Joshua just held on to Jeonghan despite shaking so badly, he held on because his life depended on it.

“Don't go.” Joshua begged against his neck. Jeonghan smiles faintly, rubbing his back. Joshua knew what Jeonghan’s silence meant which made him hold on tighter. “Joshua.” Jeonghan spoke.

“Ayaw.” Joshua cried against Jeonghan’s sweater. “Wala ka naman choice, aalis ako kahit ayaw mo.” Jeonghan chuckled and was finally relieved that Joshua’s breathing stabilised. Joshua pinched his arm because he was joking at a time like this.

Jeonghan held him carefully, one hand at the back of Joshua’s head while the other rubbed slow circles on his back. Around them, the airport noise blurred into something distant. All Jeonghan could hear were Joshua’s broken breaths against his neck. 

“I don’t want you to go, Jeonghan.” Joshua held his hand and Jeonghan’s eyes were on Joshua’s hand. He caressed the ring. “Joshua, I have to go. Paano na lahat ng mga pangarap mo?” Jeonghan said

“They don’t mean anything kung wala ka naman sa tabi ko.” Joshua argues. “Do you even hear yourself? You made those dreams with Seokmin. Hindi ako.” Jeonghan says.

“You were in them too. Di lang si Seok. Di lang ikaw. Everyone I love is included in my dream.” Joshua spoke. “I can’t lose you, Jeonghan. I just can’t.” Joshua buried his head on Jeonghan’s shoulder.

“You knew that you were bound to lose one of us that moment you walked into my house nine nights ago.” Jeonghan reminded him and Joshua shut up. “I thought I could save both.”

“And look how it turned out, you’re about to lose us both.” Jeonghan said. Joshua looks down.

Five different flights were finally boarding. “Han, yun flight mo.” His mom said, holding Joshua’s shoulders. Jeonghan looks at his mom and nods. He looks over to his friends and hugs them one by one. “Alagaan nyo yin isa’t isa.”  

Mingyu didn’t let go immediately. “You don't cut off communications, Kuya.” Mingyu whispered. “I’ll try to call once in a while.” Jeonghan ruffles his hair. 

Jeonghan looks at his mom. “Ma, tawagan niyo ako if you need me. Nandyan si Mingyu.” Bilin ni Han. “If you want to visit me, I’ll book you a ticket.” Jeonghan’s mom smiles softly before kissing both his cheeks. “Baka maiwan ka na ng eroplano mo.” His mom said.

Jeonghan lets his mom go and he looks at Joshua. Joshua offers his hand. “Let me walk you to your gate, Han.” Jeonghan smiled and held his hand. They walked in silence and Joshua was occasionally looking over Jeonghan. Jeonghan would smile at him like he wasn't leaving.

Jeonghan stops in front of his gate. Joshua did as well and saw where Jeonghan was flying to. Narita, Japan. Joshua sighs softly and looks at Jeonghan. “It's a layover. Don't look for me in Japan.” Jeonghan said.

Joshua looks at him, memorizing his face. “I hope when you come back, okay na tayo.” Joshua spoke, looking at their intertwined hands. “You were my best friend before all of this.” Joshua said. 

Jeonghan pulls him closer, wrapping his arms around the younger. He was quiet before he felt Joshua embracing him. “In another life, hahanapin kita.” Jeonghan said.

“Why not this one, Jeonghan?” Joshua questioned. Jeonghan just smiled faintly. “Don't ask questions, you already know the answer to.” Jeonghan held his face.

“In another life then pero ako yun hahanap sayo.” Joshua said. “Hahanapin kita and I will love you more than you ever loved me.” 

Jeonghan laughs softly and nods. “I think that's impossible.” Jeonghan stares into his eyes, saying goodbye this way because saying it loud would make it real.

The scene in front of Jeonghan's mom and their friends broke them. Jeonghan still warmly looked at Joshua despite his heart being torn into two.

Joshua broke down before kissing Jeonghan’s forehead. “Mag ingat ka don.” Joshua said. “Always update tita para di siya mag worry about you. I’ll try to take care of her as well.” 

“Thank you.” Jeonghan smiled before engulfing him in his arms one last time. 

“We are calling the attention of passenger Yoon Jeonghan of flight SVT0526 to Narita Japan. This is your last call. The boarding gate will close in 5 minutes.” The announcement blared through the airport.

Jeonghan looks at his mom and friends and waves at them before looking at Joshua. “Take care of yourself.” He slowly pulls away and walks towards the boarding gate without looking back.

Joshua stood there and just watched Jeonghan disappear into the plane. Joshua tears fell as he failed to protect both but Jeonghan was right, he was bound to lose someone.

“Goodbye mahal ko.”