Work Text:
Lexa knows it’s hopeless. Every time Clarke sits next to her on the couch when they’re watching a movie, her heart flutters. And when she leans into her, the scent from her shampoo and perfume is enough to distract her from whatever is on the screen. And when Clarke puts an arm around her, Lexa pretends. Lexa pretends, for just a moment, that they are together. And when she closes her eyes, she almost believes it is real. They lean into each other, pressed against each other, with Lexa curled up next to Clarke and her feet tucked beneath her. When Lexa glances up at Clarke, there is a small part of her that hopes. She hopes that Clarke feels the same, that she would return her loving gaze, but she is always staring at the screen, a small smile on her face.
Lexa settled for the friendship between them, knowing that they will never be able to be anything more. At that moment, she treasures the warmth that emanates from Clarke, cherishing the contact, silently begging that she would never leave her side.
But they eventually do. Whether it’s Lexa or Clarke who moves away first. But it is always involuntary. Someone has to go to the bathroom, or someone is hungry. But they know they will always come back to each other. Eventually.
They had met three years ago, with Clarke looking for a roommate, and Lexa being the only one who answered her request. She couldn’t remember if she fell in love with her then, or if it was a recent development. But she knew she couldn’t resist Clarke’s bubbly personality, the way her eyes light up when she talks about her art and the soft, gentle smile she has when she remembers her dad. And each little thing she noticed about Clarke made her fall in love just a little bit more each time.
She tried not to fall in Clarke. And how hard she tried. She tried spending time away at Anya’s, hoping that a few days away at a time would make her feelings go away, but Lexa always succumbed and came back to their apartment earlier than she had originally decided.
She tried dating. And she came close. There was a girl, Costia. She was everything that Lexa could consider perfect. She was beautiful, kind, caring, but it wasn’t enough. No matter how hard Lexa tried to fall in love with Costia, she realised she couldn’t. She loved Costia, but there was no spark between them. And Lexa knew why. Every time she returned to their apartment, her heart leapt at the sight of Clarke, usually leaning against their kitchen counter with her golden hair brushed to one side. It was a lovely sight, to see Clarke carefree in their home.
Lexa broke up with Costia after five months of dating, leaving them on amicable terms.
Every time Clarke leaves their apartment to go out with Finn, she knows it’s impossible. She knows there is no chance of her being together with Clarke, but still, she let herself fall into the abyss of a love that will never be returned. Usually, when Clarke returns from her dates with Finn, Lexa finds that she is happier, brighter, lighter, content with her life. She doesn’t share it with Lexa though, and she is glad. She doesn’t know if she would be able to handle the crushing weight of Clarke gushing about someone else. Though, she does like to see Clarke happy. She would rather see Clarke happy than to see her without Finn but crushed. And that was why she never interfered in their relationship. Lexa couldn’t risk destroying their friendship, too worried that Clarke’s life would shatter before her.
However, this time when Clarke returned (earlier than expected), she wasn’t her jubilant self that she usually was after a date with Finn.
Clarke stormed through their apartment door, mascara smudged under her eyes and tears streaming down her face leaving black tracks trailing behind them. Her nose was red and stuffy, and Clarke had obviously been sniffling for quite a while.
When Lexa noticed the state Clarke was in, she leapt from the couch, heart trying to escape her ribcage and mind filled with all sorts of possibilities.
Lexa grasped Clarke’s trembling hands, running her thumb across her fingers as she pulled Clarke closer to her. She brushed back the hair that was plastered on her face by sweat and tears, her fingers gently stroking her hair. Mumbling soft affirmations, she led her to the couch before taking off her heels, freeing her feet. When she returned to Clarke’s face, she was enveloped in a hug, and her hands found their place on Clarke’s back, gently rubbing small circles.
“Do you want to talk about it?” whispered Lexa.
Clarke shook her head in Lexa’s shoulder. “Maybe later.”
Lexa understood and continued to hold Clarke. “It takes as long as it takes.”
Lexa let Clarke cry into her shoulder, not caring about the mascara stains and the snot that would be left behind. When Clarke had stopped crying a considerable amount and was reduced to the occasional sniffle, Lexa left her briefly to retrieve a glass of water and some makeup wipes. Slowly, and softly, Lexa brought the wipes up to Clarke’s face, careful not to rub too hard, but just enough to make her face feel fresh again. Clarke let out a small sigh as Lexa’s fingers caressed her face, sending tingles up Lexa’s arms.
Clarke opened her eyes once Lexa had finished wiping her face. Lexa’s hand faltered slightly as she glanced up and found herself staring back into Clarke’s blue, blue eyes, no longer red from crying. For a moment, she lost herself and realised she was close. Too close. With all the remaining self-control she had, she pulled herself back and handed Clarke the glass of water.
“Are you okay?”
“Yes. Thank you,” Clarke reached out and held Lexa’s hand in hers.
There was a minute of silence before Clarke set the glass on the table before them.
“That fucker was cheating on me.” Her voice was dangerously calm. Lexa put her other hand on top of Clarke’s.
“On our fucking anniversary as well. I walked into the restaurant, and you know what? There was someone else with him. And the worst thing was, I knew who she was. Do you remember Raven?”
Lexa stopped stroking Clarke’s hand. Raven. One of Clarke’s longest friends.
“That fucker.”
“Yeah. I know right. Turns out he forgot that we had plans and that it was our anniversary. Raven didn’t even know Finn was dating anyone else, that two-timing piece of shit.”
Clarke pulled her hand from Lexa’s and held her head.
“I can’t believe I thought I loved him.”
“Hey, Clarke, it’s okay. You’re better without him. You deserve better.”
She enveloped Lexa in a hug and mumbled into her shoulder. “Thanks. Can I sleep in your bed tonight?”
Lexa was certain her heart stopped.
“Yeah, of course.”
Why did Lexa agree to this.
She found herself unable to sleep, staring at Clarke’s back and her soft hair sprawled over her pillow. She ached to touch Clarke, even just to play with her hair. But she couldn’t. Even if Clarke was no longer tied to a relationship, she couldn’t take advantage of the situation.
She shut her eyes and tried not to focus on Clarke’s alluring smell, or the proximity between them. She turned away from Clarke, hoping it would help.
Lexa doesn’t know if she woke up in heaven or hell.
Overnight, Clarke’s arm had found its way around Lexa’s waist, pulling them closer together. One of Clarke’s legs was thrown over Lexa’s, and Clarke’s face was in a position so that her lips were pressed against Lexa’s skin, leaving a searing mark that Lexa couldn’t ignore.
Lexa turned her head to the side and found Clarke’s expression to be soft and serene, a relief to see after being so distraught the previous night. She never wanted to leave this position. She was all too aware of Clarke and each part of her body that was in contact with her, and her soft breathe on her skin. Lexa felt herself getting warm, too warm under her sheets, but she didn’t want to move away.
Lexa willed herself back to sleep, not wanting this moment to end so soon.
When she woke up again, Clarke was gone. She hadn’t expected Clarke to stay any longer after she woke up anyway.
Making sure Clarke wasn’t anywhere near, Lexa turned over to where Clarke had been sleeping and buried her head in the pillow, wrapping her arms around it and squeezing, pretending it was her. Pretending the lingering smell was actually from Clarke, instead of the lifeless pillow. Pretending she was holding Clarke, instead of the lifeless pillow.
Lexa couldn’t find Clarke anywhere in their apartment when she left her bedroom. And it was the same for the next couple of days. Lexa never saw Clarke return home and there was no evidence of her presence. None of her possessions had been moved and the days had felt incredibly lonely. As each day passed, Lexa grew increasingly worried, sending Clarke text after text, but getting no reply. She had even resorted to texting Octavia, and even Raven, but they said they hadn’t seen Clarke in the past week.
It was on the fifth day of Clarke’s disappearance that Lexa was contemplating calling the police. But before she could do so, Clarke stumbled in through their door, obviously drunk. Lexa quickly scanned Clarke and her clothing, looking for any signs of harm, but thankfully there were none.
Lexa dropped her phone and rushed over to Clarke, stabilising a teetering Clarke by placing her hands on her shoulders.
“Jesus, Clarke, where have you been? I was so worried.”
“Here and there,” Clarke said with a careless wave of her hand.
“Here and there? Clarke, nobody knew where you were. You could’ve at least told someone.”
Clarke nodded weakly before collapsing onto the couch, kicking off her heels. When Lexa sat down beside her, Clarke wrapped her arms around her.
“Is this about Finn?”
“Not entirely.”
Lexa was confused. What else could make Clarke go missing for five days and drunk out of her mind?
“There’s you.”
Now Lexa was even more confused. What had she done to make Clarke be like this? She had always taken the best care of her, always making sure she was alright.
“What did I do?”
“Nothing. And everything. You’re just so perfect, and so good to me. I don’t deserve you. You’re always there for me, even when I’m feeling like shit and when we’re both feeling like shit. And when you let me sleep in your bed the other night, you looked so beautiful and so peaceful and so amazing. That’s when I realised I had thought I was in love with the wrong person all this time. I can’t believe you’ve been in front of me all this time, and I decided to be with fuckboy Finn. What have I done to have you in my life?”
Clarke was now facing Lexa, their gazes locked.
“So beautiful.”
Clarke was the one who inched forward and pressed their lips together. Lexa was the one who, despite her thumping heart, leaned back and broke the kiss. Her eyes were drawn to Clarke’s lips, and as much as she wanted to continue, she resisted.
“Clarke, you’re drunk,” she whispered. “And we should go to sleep.”
“Can I join you again?” She almost missed Clarke’s request.
Cursing herself internally, Lexa nodded, unable to decline Clarke anything.
When Lexa woke up this time, she found Clarke also awake, staring at her with a small smile on her face.
“I meant what I said last night.”
Clarke was playing with a lock of Lexa’s hair, twirling it around her fingers.
“Are you sure?” Lexa’s heart was beating faster than ever, not believing what was happening.
“Mmmhmm,” Clarke hummed, tangling their legs together beneath the sheets.
Without wasting another moment, Lexa leaned into Clarke, capturing her waiting lips with a kiss. Lexa rolled them over so that Clarke was lying on her back with Lexa’s arms on either side of her head, supporting her weight.
“You won’t believe how long I’ve waited to do this.”
“Oh yeah? Try me.” And there was Clarke’s smirk that Lexa loved.
“Ever since we met.”
“Should’ve told me earlier.”
“You were with Finn.”
“And do you remember anything I said yesterday?”
“Maybe you need to tell me again how much you love me.”
Clarke grinned. “Come here, you dork,” she said, and pulled Lexa down on top of her, securing her smile in another kiss.