Chapter Text
By Your Side
Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away
'Cause I'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
And please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
PPOV
The train begins moving and we're plunged into night until we can clear the tunnel and I take my first real deep breath since the reaping. Effie and Haymitch are both accompanying us back to District 12, along with both of our prep teams. After dinner, Katniss and I sit holding hands in front of the television to watch a replay of the last interview with Caesar. With the Capitol growing farther away every second, I begin to think of home. Of my brothers, and my father and mother. Will they want to move into the new house with me? Do I really want my mother living in my new house with me? Will I still work at the bakery? Maybe I can even get some paints and canvases; I'd love to start painting with real paint, instead of the crushed berry juice that I'd had up until now. Since I don't need to go to school anymore, I'll need something to occupy my time.
While I'm pondering these things Katniss excuses herself and heads towards her room. I watch her leave with trepidation. I can wonder all I want about how things will be with my family when I get home, but the real question that is haunting me right now is how things will be with her when we return. We haven't really had a normal... what's the word, courtship? Up until now, pretty much every move we've made has been with cameras or people watching us. I really don't know all that much about her, what her favorite color is, what she wants to be when she grows up, how she managed to find me camouflaged by the river half dead. My mind starts swirling with questions and when Katniss returns, now dressed comfortably in a simple shirt and trousers, her face scrubbed clean of makeup and her hair in its signature braid, I can tell by the scowl on her face that she has just as many questions as I do.
When the train makes a brief stop for fuel, we're allowed to go outside for some fresh air. There's no longer any need to guard us. Katniss and I walk hand in hand along the train tracks, and I find that I am at a loss for words. Looking around, I see some pretty wildflowers growing near us, so I stop to gather some and present them to her. She takes them with an odd look on her face, holding onto them tightly but turning away from me.
"What's wrong?" I ask her.
"Nothing," she answers, but I don't believe that for a second. We continue walking, past the end of the train, out where there can't possibly be any cameras hidden in the scrubby bushes along the track. Still, she says nothing.
Haymitch startles us both when he appears suddenly in front of us. Even now, in the middle of nowhere, he keeps his voice down. "Great job, you two. Just keep it up back at District 12 until the cameras are gone. We should be okay." I watch him head back to the train in confusion, then look at Katniss.
"What does that mean?" I ask her.
"It's the Capitol. They didn't like our stunt with the berries," Katniss blurts out, still clutching tightly to the wildflowers.
My heart starts pounding in my chest. "What? What are you talking about?" Something is definitely not okay with this.
"It seemed too rebellious. So Haymitch has been coaching me through the last few days; so I didn't make it worse." Her voice grows quiet at the end and she lifts the flower bouquet up to her nose.
Now I'm getting upset. "Coaching you?! But not me?" I ask her, a little more forcefully than I intended.
Her head snaps back up and there are tears in her eyes. "He knew you were smart enough to get it right," she says, barely loud enough for me to hear her.
"I didn't realize there was anything I had to get right," I say, turning away from her and trying not to feel humiliated. After a minute I turn back to look at her and she's looking back down at the flowers. "So, what you're saying is, these last few days, and then I guess back in the arena too..." my voice trails off as I can feel tears starting to form. "It was all for the Games, how you acted?"
She looks back at me, finally, still tightly clutching those flowers and shakes her head. "No, not all of it," she says.
"Then how much? Wait, no, don't answer that. I guess the real question is, what's going to be left when we get home?" I say, dreading the answer.
She turns away again. "I don't know," she replies. "The closer we get to District 12, the more confused and afraid I get."
"Well, let me know when you figure it out," I tell her, and turn to walk back towards the train, feeling my heart start to shatter.
I'm almost back to the tracks when I feel her small hand on my arm. "Peeta, please," she says, and I can hear sniffling sounds like she's trying not to cry. "Please don't turn away from me just because I'm scared and confused."
I stop walking and sigh loudly. Turning around to look at her, I take a deep breath. "Okay Katniss. Let's find somewhere where we can talk."
She nods her head, so I take her hand and lead her back onto the train.