Work Text:
Grieving You In Silent Heart
The plane went down and all Ilya could think about was Shane, their love and all the things they didn't get to do just yet.
All he could think about was that he didn't get to love Shane enough.
If only that was enough.
Shane heard the news after the game, in a locker room.
He heard the news mixed with laughter.
He couldn't even remember dressing, he grabbed at his phone and hit Ilya’s number.
“This is Ilya, I will never listen to your voicemail."
Shane had no idea how he drove home, he just kept listening to Ilya's voicemail.
Somehow he was on the kitchen floor, opening Instagram messages with shaking fingers.
His heart was clenching and splintering with each word he read.
All he could do was beg.
Beg for something.
The news came hours later.
Ilya Rozanov had died in the Centaurs’ plane crash.
His neck probably snapped on impact.
Everyone else on the plane was stable and alive.
It was just Ilya.
Only Ilya died.
And Shane didn't even get to tell him that he was sorry, that he loved him, that of course he chose him.
But now it was too late.
Shane couldn't move.
His body felt made of lead.
Tears had stopped hours ago, crusting his lashes in clumps.
But it still hurt.
His heart was bleeding.
He had a game to play in two days, yet he couldn't even think about hockey.
The love of his life was dead and he couldn't even say goodbye.
He couldn't even get any information on what would happen next.
Will Ilya be transported back to Russia?
Will his brother even care enough to do the funeral?
Will Shane ever be able to visit his grave?
Shane's head was spinning so bad that he threw up.
Yuna and David tried to help but there wasn't much they could do.
Shane was grieving, yet he couldn't say anything out loud.
He went through the motions of going back to hockey, yet he felt somehow disconnected.
He couldn't even talk, even less focus on playing well.
No one around him understood what was going on, why Rozanov's death was impacting him so much.
Shane wanted to scream.
He wanted to scream till his throat bled and his vocal cords snapped.
He wanted to claw at his chest to tear out his heart.
He wanted the pain to stop.
He wanted Ilya.
Shane awoke with a start by the door opening.
He sat up blinking his puffy eyes open,his heart stuttering at what he saw.
Ilya dropped his duffle, quickly crawling in the bed and pulling Shane in his arms.
The next moment both were crying.
Ilya was here.
Ilya was warm and breathing.
Ilya's heart was beating under Shane's hand.
Ilya was alive.
Shane pulled Ilya into a messy kiss, gasping for breath but not being able to get enough.
Ilya was just as desperate.
“ I thought you died. "
“ I was sure I was going to die. But we survived. "
“ I just… “ Shane pulled back to look Ilya all over. " I saw how it was to grieve you, how it was to live without you… I can't… I can't do that. "
“ It was just a nightmare, Shane. It was just a nightmare. I am here. I am alive. We are both alive. " Ilya started to kiss him all over.
Shane glanced at his phone, how it really has been only a day not however long he suffered through in the nightmare.
He pulled Ilya on top of him, holding him with bruising force, but Ilya held on just as strongly.
“ Please never leave me. "
“ I will try my absolute best. I can't live without you. "