Work Text:
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things you didn’t say at all
it won’t do me any good, it’s just a waste of time, what use is it to you, what’s on my mind, if it ain’t coming out, we’re not going anywhere, so why can’t I just tell you that I care
“I love you.”
He’s been saying it in his head almost ever since he met her though. He just doesn’t know how to articulate it. The words get stuck in his throat. Trip over his tongue until they magically transform into something else that doesn't really carry the same weight as those three words do.
Things like “El, let’s be friends for the rest of our lives” or “I hope we know each other forever”.
He feels like Westley in the Princess Bride, saying “as you wish” to Buttercup. It has a secret meaning only he knows about.
He cannot find 30 seconds of extreme courage to say it for real though. She’s told him lots of times, in no uncertain terms that she likes him too. Once she said she that really likes him. But they’re in a holding pattern, stuck between like and something more.
He should be braver than he is.
But.
But.
He’s not.
She’s a whole different life force and he doesn’t feel worthy to be in her presence most days. That she actually chose him to be as much as her friend astounds him. He can’t risk losing even that. Now that she’s in his life, he can’t imagine a world without her in it.
The I love you is always burning in the middle of his chest though. He wonders if he’ll ruin everything, the day he does say it.
He wonders if she feels the same way. He can’t read her when it comes to just how much she likes him
He’s half-afraid to know the truth because it might be something he doesn’t like. It might break his heart.
Other times he wants to rip it off like a Band-Aid, tell her how he feels and get it over with. Quick and fast. Stringing the words together in a jumbled mess.
But they’re still so young. Society says they’re too young to really know what love is.
And there’s a whole world of boys out there she hasn’t met yet. He can’t box her in, make her feel like she has to stay with him because he was one of the first people ever to give her love and affection.
Not when she only knows him, Dustin, Will, Lucas, Jonathan and Steve as examples of young guys.
If she meets somebody else. . .
He can’t let himself finish that thought though.
He can’t imagine ever meeting anyone else. Not because they are perfect for each other, because really is anybody perfect for each other? It seems like a novel concept. But ever since they’ve met, he’s felt like his whole entire life had been leading to her.
Like they are tethered to each other.
A concept he hears about much later in their lives together, when a show called Glee is a huge hit and Eleven is completely invested in the fictional singing band of misfits from Lima, Ohio.
Of course, this happens years later and she loves him too. Understands their strange connection.
But for now, he keeps it to himself and it blossoms and flourishes until he can’t keep it to himself anymore.
End
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