Chapter Text
“You’re alone, Kokichi. And you always will be.”
The words rang through Kokichi’s head, pounding the idea that he had desperately tried to push away.
Alone. Always.
All his life, he had grown used to lying, acting stronger, weirder, avoidable. The attention he had desired was kind and loving, but he was always met with the same violent intentions.
Pushed, beat, or worse.
Screw that, he didn’t want to think about that now.
The one he truly desired hated him the most, and so what was he supposed to do ? All he did was hope and pray that maybe the next death would be him. Maybe the next trial they will care.
But he knew deep down this wasn’t true.
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“Its cuz.. I love you most, Shuichi. I’m always thinking about you.”
Thinking about me ? Pathetic.
I wasn’t one to hate, but truly, deeply in my heart did I hate him.
Kokichi Ouma, the one all of us couldn’t help but hate.
But for some reason, beneath all the layers of hate and irritation and anger was interest.
A small tiny piece of understanding.
I don’t understand why I still get him. Why he still resonates with me.
I could tell he’s been through a lot. I could tell he hides behind a mask and all his lies. And, most of all, I could understand him.
All my life, I’d been bullied. Taken advantage of, told I’m worthless and nothing. All until I had solved the case.
But… I don’t know.. I guess I dealt differently ..
I mean, who am I to judge ? How am I any different ?
That’s when I realized I needed to apologize.
So, with that, I made my way to Kokichi’s room… but after knocking a couple times and getting no answer, I softly pushed the door open…
And what I saw was… something I never thought I would see..
Kokichi was on his bed, shriveled up impossibly small, his tiny body shaking horribly as he sobbed into his sheets.
“K-Kokichi..?”
His sobbing faltered for only a second before Kokichi began to sniffle, “What, Shuichi.. here to tell me the obvious again ?”
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Shuichi’s heart dropped, guilt rushing back as he remembered what he had said.
“Kokichi… I’m… I’m sorry, truly.”
Kokichi sat silent for a second, mouth opened to say something before he heard the swift footsteps of Shuichi approaching behind him.
“I’m sorry. Okay ? I’m so, so sorry.”
Suddenly, there appeared Shuichi in front of him.
Shuichi’s face wrinkled in empathy for the poor boy sitting in front of him, so vastly different than the one he, and everyone else, knew.
Kokichi’s face was tinted red with pain, tears rolling down from his puffy eyes and his face was the definition of distress.
As if feeling Shuichi’s concern, he turned his head away from his gaze.
“Kokichi..”
“Truly, Shuichi, It’s fine. I mean, you were right, weren’t you ? I’ll be alone forever, I am alone.”
Shuichi started before Kokichi quickly cut him off, standing up off the bed and walking towards Shuichi.
“No. Don’t apologize. Don’t take it back. Don’t pretend you didn’t mean it. Because deep down, Saihara, You meant every. Last. Word.”
The last three words were annunciated with a hard shove into Shuichi’s chest, knocking him into the wall.
“You meant it. You meant it!”
“Kokichi..!”
Kokichi ignored Shuichi’s discomfort and pounded on his chest, tears pouring out and his heart dropping even further.
Shuichi tried to stop Kokichi, trying his hardest to grasp his hands before finally taking ahold of him and looking him in the eyes.
“Kokichi.”
Shuichi held him there for a few minutes, watching as Kokichi’s anger switched back to sadness, his face crinkling into pure misery.
Finally, as Shuichi spoke, he reached out and held Kokichi’s face in his hands,
“I wish I never said that…”
Shuichi’s eyes began to water, just seeing the boy he was so conflicted about cry because of what he said was the hardest and worst thing he’d ever gone through.
His thumbs wiped away each tear from Kokichi’s eyes, moving one of his hands to the back of Kokichi’s head and cradling him softly.
“I don’t know how to…. I don’t understand myself.. Why I say those things..”
Kokichi melted into Shuichi’s touch as he listened,
“I act like I hate you, act like I don’t get you… but I do..”
Shuichi’s eyes watered even more,
“I get you, and I am so attached to you in a way I’ll never understand.. and…”
Kokichi’s eyes widened slightly,
“You.. want me ?”
A tear broke out of Shuichi’s eye as he nodded slightly.
“I think so, I… think I do..”
But even as Shuichi agreed, Kokichi’s heart broke because he knew what was coming next.
“But we would never work…”
Kokichi’s eyes shut, violently breaking free from Shuichi’s grasp as he walked to the other end of his room.
“You just know exactly what to say, don’t you, Saihara ?”
Shuichi’s head hung low in shame,
“I’d rather be alone than run around waiting for you to understand how you feel.”
Kokichi turned around, and as he stood in front of the door, he said,
“I’ve made it clear how much I love you, and for a second I had the slightest bit of hope that I would finally get you to understand me. To want me. To want to know me. But I always go through this, they always run away, and I should’ve known you were no different.”
Kokichi turned the knob, wiping a tear with his other hand,
“So I’ll leave first, before you can try to leave me.”
And with that, Kokichi was gone, leaving Shuichi sobbing in his room. Confused and alone, wishing he could just screw his head off and let his heart take control, but his heart was barely beating…
all because his beloved had left him.