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Tsukasa couldn’t shake the tight feeling in his chest. The way it feels as if it’s being crushed by heavy weights and he couldn’t move them off because they were already suffocating him and causing him to be unable to breath. It was something that happened way more often than Tsukasa would like and he couldn’t do anything to stop it or predict it happening.
It was annoying, like a bug you knew was there but you can’t get rid of it because you can’t exactly see it so you don’t know how to get away. Ah, he hated bugs. Maybe that was a bad relation to the problem at hand. It was quite true though.
All he had been doing today had been laying in bed on his phone, it wasn’t healthy, yes he knew that. But he didn’t have any motivation to do anything other than rot in his bed. His parents clearly showed their disdain of his behavior an hour or so ago. His mom especially, who had walked in his room without warning and looked down at his form in bed.
He could remember her dissatisfied face as he blinked up at her. “Huh?” He had asked, his mother let out an exasperated sigh. “Tsukasa Tenma! You can’t just lay around in bed all day, you don’t want to get out of shape do you? Or would you rather be lazy?” Tsukasa’s mood, if it was possible at all, had taken a nosedive immediately after his mothers words left her mouth. He frowned and felt a pang of unwanted guilt and distress. Was he out of shape..? He just had practice yesterday, so why can’t he just take a break for once in his life..?
He watched as his mother walked away after he let out a halfhearted response that he couldn’t remember, his mind was to preoccupied by what his mom as said to him. Was he lazy? Was he really that lazy that he couldn’t even get out of bed? Was he……
……..was he fat..?
Tsukasa’s eyes widened and he got up from bed almost immediately, he could feel himself shaking against his own will. He was horribly distressed as he rushed into his bathroom, peering into the mirror. There were dark circles under his eyes that displayed lack of sleep, his normal smile lines around his mouth where there too. He hated them. People usually tell him how cute they are or that they mean he’s happy a lot. He doesn’t like them, he’s afraid they make him look……he didn’t really know.
The blonde opened his mouth a bit and pulled the side of his lips with his finger, staring at it. His small fangs were there, he liked them. As a child he always thought they were so cool because he was different and could stand out. They weren’t really big fangs, they just were a bit longer than the other teeth, though the orthodontist did sand them down….he cringed at the thought. Shaking his head to rid himself of the unsavory memory.
The boy stepped back a bit, looking at his torso, his shoulders were a bit wide, not as wide as Rui’s were but he frowned a bit. He lifted his shirt and glanced at his stomach. Was he fat..? He really had no clue, it didn’t look like it but what if it did to other people..?
He swallowed thickly and looked at himself of the mirror a bit longer, his eyes lingering on a small scar that was just slightly visible on his hip. He frowned at it, feeling a small pang of shame as he looked at it. It was self inflicted, something he had done a couple years back. Closer to when he first learned about self-harm.
Tsukasa bitterly laughed to himself at the thought of when he learned that people could even harm themselves in the first place. Little 6th grade him was absolutely baffled at the prospect of hurting yourself. Then he went along and tried it and it all fell down from there.
He learned about it in the sixth grade when he was walking around at their break, recess as you might want to call it. He was by himself that day, none of his friends having attended school for whatever reason. The blonde had been walking around a grassy area in circles, just thinking as he observed his surroundings. He could remember the two people that approached him, one waving to him, the other shyly behind them only slightly.
The future star couldn’t remember their names for the life of him, but he listened as the one, the shorter of the two, explained. “Hey Tsukasa! I heard you can listen to peoples problems and they vent to you…and they need to vent about something so I brought them to you!” The person exclaimed, walking away while waving and wishing him a good luck. He smile on his face was weary and unsure as he went up to this person. “So…what’s up..?” He might as well just get it over with, since for some reason everyone has dedicated him as the school therapist.
It was his third person that week.
Tsukasa listened for the rest of his break as they explained horrible things to him, it was horrifying as they then pulled their sleeve back and revealed the countless, just scabbing over scars on their forearm. The boy remembered staring in horror and awe at the sheer amount. “Oh my god- are you okay?” He had exclaimed, the other had just dryly chuckled and told him they did it in their uncles bathroom at 3am, all with a smile.
He sharply slapped himself in the face to snap himself out of his memory. He didn’t like it….he didn’t like seeing others in pain or in those situations…. It always made his own feelings feel like they were irrelevant or not as important….sure it might be selfish of him but it made him feel way worse. This is what being the designated therapist to countless people for years of your life, even as a tiny child who shouldn’t even know what these things meant.
He could feel the tears that rolled down his face and he roughly wiped at them. He shouldn’t be crying, there was nothing to cry about. He had everything he could want! His sister wasn’t in the hospital, he had friends and a troupe, he was working towards his dream…..but….
He was a sorry excuse for a person.
A sorry excuse for a brother.
A sorry excuse for a troupe leader.
A sorry excuse for a son.
A waste of space and air.
He honestly doesn’t know what hasn’t kept him from just ending his life already. It’s been so long and he doesn’t know how much more he can take until he completely snaps and breaks down beyond repair. Nobody wants to see that, he doesn’t want anyone to see that either. To watch someone who was supposed to be a future star, fall from that pedestal that he put himself upon at such a young age?
Maybe others put him up there too. Tsukasa couldn’t handle the pressure for much longer, but don’t they say that pressure makes diamonds..? He would never be a diamond at this rate. He was some lowly piece of fools gold. Pyrite. That’s what he is. Because he’s a fake, he doesn’t deserve anything. Any of his recognition, his friends, the attention, praise, anything.
He wanted to scream, he wanted to cry, he wanted something. To do something, to beg for help and feel better again. But he felt that he deserved to suffer through it all, burdening others with his problems isn’t worth it. He won’t let people go through what he himself did.
The blonde was so tired, he could feel it both physically and mentally. It was dragging him down, drowning him in the expectations that have been put on him over the years. He shouldn’t feel this way but he felt so…..empty almost but also so full that he felt like he was going to explode.
“Oniichan! Dinners ready!”
The familiar voice of his younger sister Saki broke him out of his daze, he dropped his shirt and rushed out of his bathroom. Had his parents made them dinner? That was a bit odd, wasn’t it just morning? Had he forgotten? He darted out of his bedroom and hopped his way down the stairs, gazing into where the kitchen was, the smell of food that would usually be comforting was almost nauseating to him. His appetite completely void.
He walked into the kitchen to see Saki by herself, setting the dinner table with two bowls of food. She smiled excitedly at Tsukasa and bounded up to him after putting the plates down. “Did mom and dad make this..?” He asked, tilting his head a bit. Saki shook her head and proudly nodded to herself. “I made dinner tonight! It’s just some simple rice bowls but I really hope it’s yummy!!” She was full of energy, unlike Tsukasa. “Ah? You made all this yourself?” He looked at his sister, feeling a rush a pride.
“Mhm!” Saki giggled and sat down at her seat, gesturing for Tsukasa to sit down as well. “I could have made dinner-“ Saki cut him off quickly. “You looked so tired today Oniichan! There was no way I was gonna make you make me food if I can do it myself.” His sister firmly stated, the two began to eat quietly. Tsukasa forced himself to eat the food Saki made, he didn’t want to make her sad by not.
“Where did mom and dad go..?” The older of the two asked slowly, Saki hummed. “Something for work.” She spoke as if it was nothing, Tsukasa could feel himself deflate. Sometimes he just yearned to be able to have his parents home for a longer time, he doesn’t want to be alone anymore. Like when they left him home alone when they had to go to the hospital to visit Saki and leave him behind. He stopped eating and stared at his food, the rice in his bowl looked weird the longer he stared at it.
He felt like he was going to cry. Can’t he just want his mommy once in his life? Can’t he experience his childhood how everyone else did? How he dreamed to it had it went instead? Saki was in the hospital a big portion of her childhood so he shouldn’t even be complaining..! He was able to be home and play the piano. And play with his plushies and act out scenarios by himself.
Tsukasa took a deep breath and got up from the table, grabbing his bowl. “It was really good, thanks Saki!” He smiled warmly at her and saw she finished her own bowl, so he walked over and grabbed it to. “Eh? Oniichan let me wash them!” She huffed, reaching for her bowl but he moved them out of her reach. “You cooked, the least I can do is wash up.” He gave her an amused look and she sighed and nodded. “Fine.”
He smiled at her again and went over to the sink, taking out the dish soap from under it and starting the water. Turning the faucet over to the warm setting, keeping a finger under the stream to check the temperature of it. He waited until it was hot enough for him to deem it alright to wash the dishes in and he quietly began to wash the bowls.
It took a bit but he finished and put them away up in the cabinet’s they came from originally. He exhaled heavily and trudged up to his room, ready to just collapse. He stepped up the stairs one by one, counting as he went. The blonde pushed open his room door and closed it behind him, looking around for a moment before walking over to his closet. He opened it and looked into the corner of it, where a few plushies were. He bit his lip as he looked them over before grabbing one that was meant to be a cat. He hugged it to his chest.
“Hi kitty…I’m sorry you were in that dark closet for so long…and your friends are there too..” Tsukasa whispered to the plush, looking at the other plushies before giving in, he grabbed them all out and piled them onto his bed. He then grab the cat one again and hugged it tight. Maybe it was okay for him to feel like a kid sometimes, maybe he deserved it. He wanted a redo of his childhood so badly….but why was he acting like this..? It was odd..but he didn’t really mind it to much.
It was oddly comforting as he held the fluffy plush to his chest. He breathed out and pet its head a bit. Maybe he could try and redeem his missing childhood…maybe he should try and have more fun…to try and gain what he wants so dearly. He grabbed out his phone and sent Rui a quick text that read, ‘Night night, I love youuuu <33’
My love <3 - Night my star, sleep well! :)
He smiled as a message almost immediately came back to him, he hugged his plush and fell back in bed. Sure, maybe some things were horrible, but right now, his plushies can protect him from the big bad nightmares he had at night. “Nighty night kitty!” He hummed, sounding oddly childish as he cuddled the plush. He exhaled heavily and shut his eyes, willing sleep to come quick and take him into the next day. Maybe he wanted to wake up tomorrow, but part of him felt otherwise. He just hugged his plush tighter in search of comfort.
The world around him went dark.
The cycle continues.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.