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When Shane Hollander looks at Luca Haas it is like looking in a mirror. Not literally of course. But here they were. Both the number two draft pick in their respective draft class. Both queer. Shane should like the kid. Shane did like the kid, for the most part. Luca was a damn good hockey player (maybe not to his and Ilya’s level yet, but he had potential) and speaking of Ilya, his husband just adored the rookie. But sometimes he couldn’t help but look at Luca and feel an overwhelming cascade of resentment.
And isn’t that fucked up? Here he is, a thirty-year old man who gets to play hockey at the highest level with the love of his life at his side and he’s jealous of a nineteen year old? How pathetic is that?
But he is jealous of the kid. Even if he hates himself for it. Because this kid gets to be openly queer from nearly the start of his career. He gets to have a supportive team. He gets a captain and team that is actually looking out for him. That genuinely wants the best for him. That goes out of their way to protect him. He’s the number two draft pick and while he’s praised, he isn’t immediately put up on a pedestal. The entire franchise isn’t put on his shoulders. He’s allowed to develop as a player. He’s allowed to make mistakes.
And none of that was ever an option for Shane.
Ten years he gave to Montreal. Three god damn Stanley Cups. Years spent chasing an unobtainable goal. Constantly moving goal posts. Being the youngest team captain in Montreal’s history. Years of allowing racist comments wash off his back. Hearing slurs tossed around like confetti. Years of molding himself, chipping away pieces of himself until all that was left was SHANE HOLLANDER™: THE perfect captain, THE model NHL player, THE inspiration to Asian kids everywhere. And in the end, his suffering was for naught. Because it only took one thing, the only thing he took for himself — the love of his life, and that was all it took for it all to come toppling down.
And it's not all the time. The resentment. Really. Sometimes he can go weeks without thinking about it. Getting to play damn good hockey with the Centaurs. He just get to enjoy hockey again. Revel in not having to say goodbye to Ilya at the end of the night. He looks at Luca like a teammate. Like a friend.
But then Luca does something, like missing a shot that cost them the game, something which would have gotten him torn to shreds and Luca just does it like it's nothing. His team doesn’t berate him, hell they’ll even help him. Or hearing Luca talking with their teammates after practice about this guy he’s seeing and thinking that when he and Ilya were that age they only got to see each other like five times a year for a few hours at a time.
And then it’s there again. The anger. The resentment. The jealousy. Why is it so easy for Luca? So painless?
It's not like Shane wants Luca to suffer. Again, he does like the kid but even if he didn’t, he truly doesn’t want anyone to suffer like he did. And maybe that’s the crux of it. Because Shane did suffer. It took him a long time and a lot of hard conversations with Ilya to realize just how much he suffered at the hands of Montreal and the NHL as a whole. But if Luca can have this – all this support and love – without suffering, then it means it was always possible. Shane thought his experience was just what it was like for people like him in the NHL. A necessary sacrifice to get to do what he loved. To accomplish what he has.
But the Centaurs proved him wrong with their treatment of Luca. So where does that leave Shane? Hmm? Because then what was the purpose of all his suffering?
(There was no purpose to his suffering)
It’s not fair. And it will never be fair. And Shane just has to live with that.