Work Text:
—𝐛𝐨𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐝—
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(this fic can also be found on TUMBLR and WATTPAD.)
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Nothing about connecting with the natural ebb and flow of the galaxy was simple, at least when there was much more to consider besides how it felt to be swallowed whole by the feelings you’d fought for so long to suppress. At least you could rely on what you felt because it was contained within the same vessel which housed your spirit and for that were you at least somewhat grateful. The difficulty came with having to dissect your own heart—you knew what you wanted deep down, but it was more convenient, simpler, to pretend that you did not.
Now, you had more to answer for than just your emotions; you had bound yourself to a man who was far more complicated than what you chose not to acknowledge within yourself. There was more weight to him than there appeared because Obi-Wan Kenobi was unassuming on a good day and on others, well, he was just as unprepared to face facts as you were.
You had admired him from afar, a model Jedi, an upstanding gentleman in every regard, but that was more reverence than you should’ve put on camaraderie, a thing as delicate as dewy velvet petals that should’ve meant no more than blades of grass beneath your boots—a dime a dozen, and expendable if it came down to it.
You took turns sweeping it under the rug, one wave of a hand (and you’d swear that it was more than the power of suggestion) and all your worries withered away that this was budding into something more beautiful than it was ever meant to be. In a past life, you thought you must’ve been a gardener, because you’d tended to your relationship with him with such devotion that it was no wonder it had grown out of proportion. There was power in that, but also sweetness, a tenderness that required cupped hands around his fragile heart so that it didn’t break in the same way as when another held it so carelessly it cracked where their fingers has pressed in.
Obi-Wan had been shattered into the man you knew him as now, and that was yet another reason why you’d chosen the high road; things changed, that much you could count on, but what lingered between you like smoke and shadow didn’t have to.
You sat cross-legged on your floor, head bent in meditation as you retreated inward, daring to let yourself breathe in the fresh air you imagined your lungs expanding with. In your mind, you were free to believe you could go anywhere you wanted, your bare feet leaving imprints in the grass as you wandered the fields of endless thought. Your shields were up; there wasn’t any chance he could reach you out here, this far from everything you wanted to know just as well as this. A part of you did not want him to tread the spot beside you, knowing that if you relented, slackening that line just a little, there was the very real possibility that you’d relinquish your control entirely, but was there anyone more deserving of your entire self than him?
You were uncertain, but it seemed that perhaps your heart already knew.
A gentle knock at the door pulled you from your meditative reflection, but the wave of relaxed reassurance from the Force submerged you and the heaviness of your limbs was a welcomed familiarity as you lifted one arm to guide the door open with a simple flick of the wrist.
“Is that how you greet all your superiors?”
Obi-Wan spoke in deadpan and for a split-second you thought he was serious, until a grin thinned his lips and the hint of color tinted his complexion, “relax, darling, I was only teasing you. Of course, at the next Council meeting, I will have no choice but to address your unprofessional conduct, and your amateurish use of the Force.”
“Is that so?” you smirked at him, remaining seated as you were before he’d entered your chambers, “well, then I’ll just have to tell them you have no respect for my meditation processes and how you’ve so rudely interrupted me in the middle of it with nothing of any great importance.”
Obi-Wan lowered his head, feigning regret, “perhaps you’re well within your rights to make your complaints against me, however, it is a Jedi’s responsibility to center themselves in the moment, even when distractions arise. Are you insinuating that you struggle with this, even after having been recently Knighted?”
He thought he had you right where he wanted you, until you delivered the death blow, “I think there is plenty you struggle with as well, Master Kenobi. It seems to me that even Jedi Masters do not always feel a pull of honesty in expressing how they feel.”
Even as Obi-Wan’s body went rigid, you pondered what it might look like to explain to him how that made you feel, and every little fissure in your heart caused by the cracks in your façade would open up and your truth would come spilling out of you like the ooze of red blood from an open wound. You wanted to tell him that you felt him embedded within you the same as you were a part of the Force, and that no matter how much you tried to rid yourself of him it felt like shedding blood; you needed him to survive.
You sat still, lost to the whim of speaking your mind but only within the safety of it happening there and not out here, because here between you, anything could happen…except for what you needed.
“Yes, well,” Obi-Wan’s response was sharper than you’d anticipated, but you could almost hear the plaintive edge to his words and there was a part of you that chose to believe you were not imagining it, “I think there is something to be said for that, at least I am not foolish enough to believe that any Jedi has mastered every aspect of human connection and the ambiguities of all living beings. Some ideals are just better taught by example.”
It wasn’t easy to listen to him speak in such uncertain, clinical terms, but it would have made you far more uneasy to hear the opposite come from him. This was the version of Obi-Wan that you knew and it had left such a lasting impression that you had become bonded to him in a way that few others had the privilege of being. It made your chest tighten just thinking about it, because this was perhaps the closest either of you would ever get to admitting that something even stronger had been cultivated between you, tendrils twisting deeply within your souls, tethering you to each other in a flowering string of fate.
You nodded as you swiped a strand of hair behind your ear, “that is very true, Obi,” you saw a flicker of a distant emotion in his eyes at the sound of the nickname you so fondly, and frequently, referred to him as, “you’ve always been wise beyond your years, especially about things of that nature.”
He nodded in respectful acknowledgement, but when he spoke again, the change of subject was not a displeasure, “in all honesty, I came in here to check on you. I haven’t been able to reach you all day and I wanted to be sure you were alright.”
“I’m fine,” no words had even been more untrue, “you’re welcome to meditate with me, if you’d like? I know you typically wind down for the evening differently, but…you’re here so, I thought I might as well extend the offer.”
“A half-hearted offer is technically still an offer,” Obi-Wan quipped as he walked over and sat down beside you on the floor, his arm briefly brushing against yours as he got comfortable, “thank you. I suppose I should at least try to clear my mind a bit.”
You gave him a playful nudge, “always with the teasing. Some things are better left unsaid, Obi-Wan.”
Both of you were painfully aware of how much truth was hidden in those words.
The only thing more agonizing was that the only man you could see yourself growing old with, the one who had kissed your heart and turned the blood in your veins the color of his love, was sitting just shy of your right elbow and there was both nothing, and everything, stopping you from pulling him in and letting him know.
You silently wondered if he could feel it as strongly as you did.