Chapter Text
“Namjoon-ah!” Yoongi complains when Namjoon breaks a glass spilling cheap beer and broken glass in the middle of his and Seokjin’s living room.
”Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! I’m going to clean!” Namjoon says, already on his way to where he knows Seokjin and Yoongi keep the cleaning supplies.
“It’s okay, it’s okay, you are already drunk, you will end up hurting yourself,” Seokjin says, making Namjoon sit on the couch, “I'll clean it.”
”We are already drunk, and Taehyung-hyung still isn’t here,” Jungkook says while Seokjin goes to take what he needs to clean Namjoon’s mess.
”It has been two hours since he said he was coming,” Seokjin hears Jimin say while he takes a broom and a floor cloth from the cleaning closet, and at that moment the doorbell rings. It's probably finally Taehyung, so Seokjin takes his time when he hears that it really is Taehyung, but after he hears the sound of the door closing, he hears nothing more, nothing but silence comes from the living room, and that's strange, so he quickens his pace back to the living room.
“Tae-ah?” Seokjin calls, not really seeing Taehyung because everyone is around the newcomer, but then Yoongi moves to the side, and Seokjin understands the reason of the silence, Taehyung is covered in blood, a blood that doesn’t looks like his and freezed, “Taehyung-ah!” He calls again, letting everything he was holding fall on the floor while he runs to the other, “what happened?” He asks, touching Taehyung’s face, making him look at him.
“… I…,” Taehyung starts to say in a trembling voice, “I killed him,” he says with terrified eyes.
Seokjin wakes up covered in cold sweat and having trouble breathing, he needs to sit up and force himself to take a deep breath to calm down, but he can't, every time he closes his eyes, images of Taehyung jumping off the bridge in front of them fight for space in his mind along with the memories of the night he just dreamed, he can't even stay in bed. Seokjin gets out of bed and goes straight to the window of his small apartment, opening it and letting the cold New York night wind remind him of where he is, but he just manages to calm down when he's about to freeze, and even so, he has to force himself to close the window, he takes a few steps back and looks around the apartment, unsure what to do; going back to sleep isn't an option.
His eyes go to the digital watch next to his bed, it’s March 10th, Taehyung’s death anniversary is in two days, it's the third anniversary of his death, and Seokjin already doesn’t feel well all year, but March is always the worst; the nightmares get worsen, and he feels even more guilty for not having done… anything. He moved to New York shortly after Taehyung's death because, as much as he loved all the guys, everything about them reminded him of Taehyung, and Seokjin simply isn't strong enough to deal with the death of the guy he always knew was the love of his life but never had the courage to do anything about, even though he thinks Taehyung felt the same.
But Taehyung has been dead for three years, how he felt about Seokjin's feelings doesn't matter now, Seokjin will remain alone in this apartment in the middle of this cold night in this cold city that he dislikes intensely, he only moved here because it was the only option he had at the time that allowed him to escape his, pain, his friends… Namjoon, Yoongi, Hoseok, Jimin and Jungkook, Seokjin also feels guilty for losing contact with them. He changed his number as soon as he arrived in New York and ended up losing touch with everyone, his mom still gave him some news about them during their first year, but she stopped talking over time, and Seokjin never had the courage to ask how they were doing, now he regrets it so much, he knows he didn't cope well with Taehyung's death, but he didn't know what else to do.
In a swift, thoughtless movement, Seokjin walks quickly to his phone, also on the nightstand beside his bed, he feels an overwhelming urge to know how the guys are doing; they too saw someone they loved jump to their death, they are the only ones who understand what Seokjin is feeling, but then he stops and remembers that he doesn't have anyone's number… and why would they want to talk to him after he moved to the other side of the world and disappeared exactly when they needed him the most? Seokjin wasn't the only one suffering, but he didn't care about that at the moment, he wasn’t thinking, he was just a walking bag of pain;
something that he still is;
but this is the first time in three years that Seokjin has felt the urge to go home; in the other years he simply sank deeper into depression, but now he has an urgent need to know how everyone is doing, and it can't be done over the phone. Seokjin knows he'll end up giving up on this idea if he thinks about it too much; this isn't even a good time to travel because he has a lot of work piled up from university, but it's not like he'll magically have the headspace for it if he stays, he's not feeling well; going home isn't such a bad idea, he wants to go home. Last-minute tickets are quite expensive, but that's not something that stops Seokjin; at least, it isn’t be a problem for him, one thousand two hundred and fifty for a one-way ticket to Seoul isn't an issue, he doesn't even think twice when he catches the earliest flight he can find, at nine in the morning, it's four in the morning now, so he has five hours to throw only the essentials into a bag and head to the airport.
And that's exactly what Seokjin does; he grabs the biggest backpack he has and goes around the apartment collecting only what's necessary: phone, computer, meds, and a few clothes and toiletries that fit in there, if he needs anything, which will surely happen, he can buy or already has it at home, right now, the most important thing is to get on the plane.
——
“Oh my god, you were really serious,” Seokjin’s mom says when he meets her at the arrival gate after more than twenty-four hours of flight. He called his mom while he was waiting to board the plane and asked her to pick him up because he thought it was better than simply showing up at her door in the middle of the night.
“I almost can’t believe it either,” Seokjin says, forcing a smile and hugging his mom.
“You have to give me some explanations about this last-minute trip, but let’s go home first, you must be tired from the trip,” Mrs Kim says, caressing Seokjin’s back, and the younger one agrees, starting to walk with her.
"Did you get what I asked for?" Seokjin asks his mom. When he said he was coming to Seoul, he asked his mom to get Jimin's phone number because their parents were somewhat close, so reconnecting with everyone would be easier by Jimin.
“… let’s go home and we’ll talk there,” Mrs Kim said, clearly forcing a smile, which made Seokjin even more anxious than he already was.
Seokjin sighs, “he doesn’t want to see me?” He asks.
“Let’s go home, darling, we can talk there,” Mrs Kim says again, more restless, and Seokjin knows something is wrong, but he decides to wait until they get home to find out; this isn’t the place to sit and talk. No one talks on the way home, Seokjin is clearly anxious and lost in his own thoughts about what he's going to say to the guys, and his mom notice this, she doesn't try to start any small talk with him, which he's very grateful for, judging by his mom's reaction, he already knows it won't be easy to reconnect with the boys. “Are you hungry?” Seokjin’s mom asks when they finally arrive at home.
”No, thank you,” Seokjin says, leaving his backpack on the couch, “can we talk now?” He asks, and his mom sighs looking at him with a worried face, something is wrong, “look, you can say that they don’t want to see me, I can handle that, I was expecting that,” he says, and his mom has tears in her eyes now.
”Sit down, darling,” Mrs Kim says, pulling him to sit on the couch with her, and Seokjin just gets more and more worried.
”What happened?” Seokjin asks, trying to not let his mind create the worst scenarios.
Mrs Kim takes a deep breath, gently caressing his right hand with both hands, "Jungkook, Hoseok, Namjoon, and his little sister also passed away," she says, and Seokjin's world collapses; he doesn't truly understand what he just heard.
”Wha-t?” Seokjin asks almost without voice.
“I’m so sorry, my darling,” Mrs Kim says, “Namjoon had an accident with his sister a few months after you left, and some time later it seems Hoseok got sick in the middle of a class, I don’t know the details, I only know what Jimin’s mom knows,” she says and sighs, “Jungkook had an accident at the end of last year and after that Jimin tried to kill himself and now he’s in that psychiatric hospital he was in when you were in school.”
”And Yoongi?” Seokjin asks, not really processing any of that information.
"I don't know if he's okay, but from what I've heard he's alive and free, but I don't know where he is," Mrs Kim says.
“Did you always know that?” Seokjin asks, “why didn’t you tell me?”
"I was trying to spare you, what happened with Taehyung affected you so much and you weren't talking to them anymore, I didn't want to make you suffer more," Mrs Kim says.
“You had no right to hide this from me, and I should have come back sooner,” Seokjin says, getting up and starting to walk around the living room, he still hasn't processed the news; it makes no sense at all, there's no way to lose four friends in such a short space of time, it's simply not possible.
“What were you going to do coming back here?” Mrs Kim asks, “sink deeper into depression? Maybe start using drugs and try to kill yourself too? It was better that you stayed away from them.”
”I wasn’t better far from them!” Seokjin says with tears running down his face.
”But you were better than them!” Mrs Kim says, “you were the only one that still can have a decent future and I wanted to keep it like this!”
”Isn't it you who decides that!” Seokjin says, crying.
”You can’t blame me for trying to protect you! I’m your mom!” Mrs Kim says, "there was nothing you could do to help them! You've already become a murder suspect because of Taehyung! I couldn't let you ruin your life any further when you were finally putting everything in order!"
“… the last thing any of them did was ruin my life,” Seokjin says, and he has to get out of here, everything is upside down and his mom is only making this catastrophic news even worse.
“Where are you going?” Mrs Kim asks when Seokjin goes towards the door.
”Anywhere,” Seokjin says, leaving the house, ignoring his mom calling him.
Seokjin walks aimlessly, letting his muscle memory guide him somewhere because he can't think of anything right now, he's feeling immense physical pain, but at the same time, it still hasn't sunk in, he can't believe the news; he can't accept it as truth and sit on the curb and cry until he faints, that's what he should be doing, but his mind is in a defensive mode, refusing to believe that Namjoon, Hoseok, and Jungkook aren't here anymore either, there's no way this can be true. He needs to talk to Jimin and Yoongi, but he doesn't know where to find Yoongi, and Jimin is in a psychiatric hospital that certainly won't let Seokjin see him at ten o'clock at night; he needs to wait until morning.
Seokjin's body automatically takes him to a 24-hour café he used to frequent with the guys, the place is somewhat crowded, but it's not difficult to get a seat, he orders some random items from the menu but doesn't touch anything; he just sits at a table, searches online for visiting hours at the psychiatric hospital, sets an alarm for nine in the morning, and stares apathetically at the wall for hours while his mind wanders aimlessly, it's almost a meditation, but instead of tranquility, Seokjin feels like he's drowning in tears he can't cry anymore. Seokjin spends the whole night like this; people come and go from the café all night long, but he remains there, standing like a statue that barely blinks, he only really moves when his phone alarm rings, and he doesn't wait two minutes before calling a taxi and leaving the café, leaving the food he bought untouched on the table, he doesn't even remember the last time he ate, but he can't even think about it now either; he would probably vomit if he tried to eat.
The way to the psychiatric hospital where Jimin is takes more than two hours because it's outside the city, it's actually a very expensive clinic that looks like a resort, where wealthy people send family members they don't want in the public eye, it's not really a place that helps; at least, Jimin always left there worse than when he went in.
”Hello, I’m here to see Park Jimin,” Seokjin tells the receptionist at the clinic when he arrives.
”You are?” The receptionist asks.
”Kim Seokjin,” Seokjin says, handing her his ID, and a minute later she returns it and a sticker with his name on it.
“Wait here, the nurse will call you,” the receptionist says, pointing to the chairs, Seokjin agrees, but doesn't sit down, he stands leaning against the wall for about five minutes until a nurse appears, calling him and taking him inside the hospital, walking down a corridor until he reaches the garden, where Jimin finds him before him finds Jimin.
“Hyung!” Jimin says happily, hugging Seokjin tight, and he hugs him tight too because he missed his friend.
”Hi,” Seokjin says with a tiny smile.
”I missed you, I thought that I never was going to see you again,” Jimin says when they break the hug, they aren’t alone, have other patients and nurses on the garden, but no one paying attention to their conversation.
”I missed you too,” Seokjin says, “I’m sorry that I wasn’t here, I should be here,” he says it, and Jimin denies it.
"It's okay, I know you didn't know," Jimin says.
“But I should know,” Seokjin says.
“I wish I didn't know,” Jimin says, and Seokjin sighs.
“How are you?” Seokjin asks.
“Drugged,” Jimin says, “but it’s controlled medication that they give me, so it’s socially acceptable,” he says humorously, but Seokjin senses he’s drowning in tears again, “don’t look at me like that, it’s not news to me like it is to you,” he says, wiping away a tear that runs down Seokjin’s cheek.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t here,” Seokjin says again.
“It's okay, really,” Jimin says, pulling Seokjin to sit on a bench.
“How long will you stay here?” Seokjin asks.
“As much as my parents want to hide me,” Jimin says, “so probably forever.”
“This isn’t right,” Seokjin says.
“It's okay, they are treating my problems just doping me all the time, so isn’t that bad because I don't need to think much,” Jimin says, “and Yoongi-hyung visits me every week at least, so I’m not here alone.”
“I will always come too,” Seokjin says, and Jimin smiles.
“I would like it,” Jimin says, “did you come back for real?”
“I don't know, but I will stay for a long time,” Seokjin says.
“You shouldn’t,” Jimin says, “we… we are all cursed, you are the only one who managed to escape.”
“Don’t say that,” Seokjin says.
“But it's true,” Jimin says, “do you have any other explanation for almost all of us dying?”
“... no,” Seokjin says, looking at his hands.
“You should go back to New York and live a real happy life, I won’t blame you,” Jimin says.
“I was never happy there,” Seokjin says, and Jimin sighs.
“Why did you come back?” Jimin asks, “how did you discover?”
“My mom had to tell me when I arrived and wanted to see you all,” Seokjin says, “I just missed you all and… Tae’s death anniversary is tomorrow… I just wanted to see you all.”
“It's good to see you too,” Jimin says, and Seokjin agrees, “Yoongi-hyung still lives in your old apartment, you should visit him.”
“Do you think he wants to see me?” Seokjin asks.
“He doesn’t,” Jimin says, “but when the anger passes he will be happy to see you.”
“I will see him when I leave here,” Seokjin says.
“And how long can you stay here?” Jimin asks.
“I don't have an hour,” Seokjin says.
“I have therapy in one hour, can you stay until then?” Jimin asks.
“Of course,” Seokjin says.
“Good, so tell me about your life in New York,” Jimin says.
“It's not interesting,” Seokjin says.
“I’m sure that is more interesting than my life here,” Jimin says.
“Maybe,” Seokjin says.
“So tell me,” Jimin says, and Seokjin tells him what he wants.
——
The conversation with Jimin almost makes Seokjin forget about Namjoon, Hoseok, and Jungkook, almost, when he leaves the psychiatric hospital, everything comes rushing back, and now it starts to seem more real, because of this, he feels an even stronger urge to explode, just to explode, he doesn't have any real desire to do anything, what Seokjin is feeling is truly a great emptiness and an indescribable pain at the same time, and he still doesn't know what to do with this delayed grief, as Jimin said, this is news just to him.
From the hospital, Seokjin decides to go straight to his old apartment with Yoongi, he doesn't know if Yoongi will be at home, but Seokjin doesn't have a schedule; he can sit by the door waiting or test if the door code is still the same. But when Seokjin arrives at his old apartment, he gets another surprise when he reaches the stairs, he smells a strong odor of smoke, and that's enough to make him panic because of the whole situation, he runs upstairs to their floor, where smoke is starting to fill the air, and the smoke is coming from Yoongi's apartment, Seokjin doesn't need to think much to understand this; he runs to the door, and fortunately, the code is still the same.
When he opens the door, the place is completely engulfed in flames, he should go outside and call the fire department, but he needs to find Yoongi first, he can't stay outside waiting for help to arrive, so Seokjin covers his face with his arm and enters, dodging the flames, he sees Yoongi sitting at the piano in the corner of the living room, leaning over it, clearly unconscious, with flames beginning to consume the piano and getting very close to him. Seokjin rushes over to try and stop the worst, not caring if he gets burned in the process; he simply runs to Yoongi and pulls him away just as the flames begin to touch his right arm. When Seokjin manages to escape the apartment with Yoongi in his arms, the fire worsens a lot, and the hallway is already full of people evacuating the building, he tries to remain calm as he walks past them with his unconscious friend, but at least someone called the fire department before Seokjin had to, so it takes a little less time for the two of them to end up in the hospital.
At the hospital, Seokjin wanted to stay with Yoongi, but they wouldn't let him into the private emergency room with him. The doctors sent him to another room because he had also inhaled a lot of smoke too, but the adrenaline was still so high that he wasn't feeling anything; he just wanted to know if Yoongi was okay.
After Seokjin is released with a prescription of a snoozing pill, it still takes a long time for anyone to give any information about Yoongi, it seems like hours pass, during which Seokjin again falls into an apathetic state, staring at the wall without moving, his thoughts switched off as a form of self-defense. He only returns to reality when a nurse gives him a small shake, which startles Seokjin, but he remembers Yoongi and almost cries when he hears that the other will be okay even though he will have to stay here for three days because the doctors think that was a suicide attempt, but this is another information that Seokjin is trying to block for now for self defence.
Seokjin practically runs when he discovers which room Yoongi is in, he is still unconscious, but the nurse says that he should wake up at any moment, so Seokjin tries to force himself to stay calm. Not that ‘calm’ is something that still exists in Seokjin's life right now; he's on the verge of a nervous breakdown, but that's also the last thing he can have right now and make the situation even more difficult, he has to think about Yoongi and Jimin. When he enters the room, Yoongi is unconscious, with an oxygen mask on his face and his right arm completely bandaged, the nurses said it might take some time for him to wake up, and again Seokjin has nothing to do but wait, something that is very difficult because no matter how calm he tries to stay, he is shaking, again, he can't even stay still, the sedative they gave him earlier is useless, he keeps pacing around the room for more than an hour until Yoongi finally wake up, a little confused, looking around and seeming even more confused when he sees Seokjin there.
“Yoongi…!” Seokjin says, getting closer to the bed.
“... what the fuck?” Yoongi asks, confused, not happy, and a little muffled because of the oxygen mask.
Seokjin takes a deep breath, “how are you feeling?” He asks.
“Like if you care,” Yoongi says, moving to sit up.
“Of course I care,” Seokjin says, trying to help the other to sit up.
“I can do it alone,” Yoongi says, making Seokjin move away, “what are you doing here? Why did you come back?”
“I wanted to see you guys,” Seokjin says, “I didn't know….”
“That everyone is dead or almost it?” Yoongi asks, “I think you are a little late for that.”
“I didn't know…,” Seokjin says.
“But you should,” Yoongi says, taking off the mask, Seokjin wants to stop him but he thinks that is better not, “you didn't know because it was your own fault."
“I’m not denying that,” Seokjin says, “but I’m here now.”
“What the fuck changes because you are here now?” Yoongi asks, “everything is already fucked.”
“But we can-” Seokjin starts to say.
“We can no shit, we cannot do anything, there is nothing anyone can do to fix any of this shit!” Yoongi says, annoyed, and Seokjin doesn’t even know what to say, the other is totally right, “don’t act like this is all about you!” He continues, “what are you? The main character of a shit drama that fix his fucked up friends? You could do nothing!… actually… no, yes, you could do something, you could be here, you could have been here for Namjoon, so he would have had one more person to help with his sister, and she wouldn't have had to be alone for so long and end up starting a fire that caused the house to collapse on top of them both when he tried to save her, you could have been here for Jungkook, so he would have had someone else to stop him from killing himself with work and walking around so exhausted that he didn't see the red light, you could have been here for Jimin, who had just lost another best friend and boyfriend, something only you truly knew the pain of, you could have been here for Hoseok so he wouldn't sink even further into drugs until he overdosed… you could have been here for me and helped me try to keep our friends alive… and you could have let us be here for you because you weren't alone, you weren't the only person who knew what this pain was like because you weren't the only one who lost someone you loved!... in fact, since you left, you're the person who has lost the fewest people.”
“I know I fucked it up,” Seokjin says because he knows that nothing he says can make this better.
“Good,” Yoongi says, “so you can get the fuck out of here.”
“No, I will stay now,” Seokjin says.
“I don't want you here now, you weren’t here when we first needed so I don't want you here now,” Yoongi says, “you think that you can just appear here after three years with a guilty conscience and be forgiven because you didn't know about Jungkook, Hoseok and Namjoon?”
“I’m not trying to be forgiven, I know I dealt with Tae’s death in the worst way I could,” Seokjin says.
“No, you dealt in the best way you could, you took your mom’s money, moved to America and left behind your fucked up friends,” Yoongi says, “you dealt in the best way that a fucking selfish could.”
“... I’m sorry,” is the only thing Seokjin can say.
“I don't want your excuses, I want you out of here now or I will call the security,” Yoongi says, showing he is holding the nurse button.
Seokjin then thinks that maybe now is the best time to give Yoongi some space, it's not like he's going to disappear; he can try to regain his trust over time, even though Seokjin doesn't know what his next step will be, he has master’s degree to finish and a job in America, but those are the least important things right now, he just wanted the power to go back in time and try to prevent this whole catastrophe, neither of them deserved either of these endings; everything is so wrong.
“I will go for now, but I won’t disappear again,” Seokjin says, feeling dizzy.
“I don't give a fuck,” Yoongi says, not looking at him, and Seokjin thinks it's best not to push himself any further now; he's also feeling worse than before, as if his defenses are crumbling and his body is starting to understand what happened.
It's hard to breathe, Seokjin drags himself out of the room feeling gravity pulling him forcefully, everything around him is muffled or blurred, he doesn't even know where he's going but he bumps into some people along the way, he's going to faint at any moment and he doesn't even mind, he can't handle all these feelings and information. Things around Seokjin start to turn black and he's sure he's going to faint, but the strange thing is that when it happens, gravity doesn't pull him down;
it pulls him backward.