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Iwol has never been the best at remembering. It was something his sister used to worry about a lot when they were younger and still living in their parent’s house. She would recount stories over and over, reminding him of how and when they happened, hoping to jog his memory but it never worked. To this day, there was very little he remembered of his childhood, vague recollections and deeply held beliefs could give him a better understanding but mostly he just had the scars on his body and the scattered memories of his sister.
“Hyung, what are you doing?”
The voice shook him out of his thoughts and Iwol turned to the side where Seongbin was watching him with concern.
“Just checking how the weather is fairing, I hope it clears up soon or else going for practice will be a hassle,” He tried to keep his voice even but even to his own ears, he sounded off. Distant and distracted.
If he focused, he could still hear his noona’s voice, shaking with something between anger and sadness as she told him about the time their parents had kicked them out during the winter and Iwol had gotten frostbite from the freezing temperatures and snow.
It wasn't snowing now, but the rain fell harshly against the window pane. The sounds of the water droplets were loud, clearly audible even from the kitchen where Iwol had been before it started to pour. How odd, he could remember his sister telling him these stories but he couldn't remember the original events. It was only now, when he had no one to remember his memories with, that he realized just how lonely it was to be the only one who knew. The only one who remembered all the good and bad and terrible.
Had Noona felt this way too? Had she been lonely all by herself even as she did her best to take care of her clumsy little brother? He tried to focus, he was sure he had met her many times in the first few years he worked at Hanpyeong Industries, before Manager Nam got promoted and turned into a tyrant. What was she like then? Did she seem sad?
Iwol couldn't remember.
There was a sudden weight against his shoulders as Seongbin draped a blanket over his back before taking a seat next to him on the floor.
“Isnt Hyung the one who usually tells all of us to not carelessly sit in the cold?” He asked, opening the thermos he had brought with him and pouring Iwol a cup of bellflower root tea.
Iwol could only take the cup when it was handed to him, stiff fingers curling around the warmth. “Is our Seongbin’s voice not SpArk’s precious treasure? How can you sit here and risk a cold?” He asked, trying to muster up the energy to truly sound scolding.
Seongbin gave him a look that told Iwol that he knew exactly what the older was trying to do and it was better to stop now before Seongbin added another patience character to his notebook.
Iwol shut his mouth and raised the cup of tea, breathing in the warm steam and trying to figure out what to say.
In the end, it was Seongbin who spoke up first.
“Hyung, what do you think about fate?”
The question was so unexpected, Iwol almost choked on his tea. But through sheer willpower he managed to safely swallow and put down the cup before speaking.
“What do you mean by fate?” he asked, quickly deciding to take the conversation seriously.
Seongbin was quiet for a long moment before he slowly started to speak. “Hyung might not know this but I’ve always felt responsible for the group. I don’t mean as a leader but rather–” he stopped, looking frustrated as he tried to figure out how to articulate what he was trying to say. “You know that Joowoo joined UA, partially because of me right?”
Iwol nodded, it was something he had heard about when he was still working at Hanpyeong Industries and it had been confirmed when he joined SpArk and gotten closer with the kids.
“Well, I think it’s obvious that Joowoo is talented, he could have succeeded anywhere. He could have even just joined a rock band and been happy like that, but he came to UA with me. We had a lot of fun but it was really hard. Before you came, it was hard to get a lot of proper support from the company. I don’t think they meant it maliciously but it was obvious they didn't really know what to do with us. And then of course there was Jang Junhoo and that whole situation. What i’m trying to say is that because Joowoo followed me here, I felt responsible for ensuring his future followed the brightest possible path. I know now that it was pretty self-centered of me to take that on myself but that was how I felt.” He took a deep breath, turning away from the window to look at Iwol.
“But I started to think differently after meeting you, Hyung. I think you have an insane work ethic, I don’t understand you a lot of the time but I do know that you are a truly good person. You care about everyone around you, and you put your 110% into the tasks you are given. You are the reason why SpArk is what it is. Music, production, albums, merch, lyrics, interviews, is there anything you haven't touched? At the same time, you have taught all of us how to be the best versions of ourselves, how to best convey our sincerity to the fans. I think, no, I know, that without you, SpArk might not have made it to where we are now. So, I was thinking, isn't that like fate?”
The rain continued to fall outside, leaving trails of water running down the windowpanes. The floor was cold and Iwol could smell the faint petrichor-like smell that came with storms. The plants on the balcony were probably getting too much water today and he was sure Joowoo would have to carefully monitor them to make sure they didn't get overwatered over the next week.
“Is it?” he finally managed to croak out, throat tight with something he didn't want to name. His sister came to mind once again, her scolding voice telling him to make friends, to not keep all his worries inside and depend on her. He missed her so much it was like a missing limb. How could it be so visceral when they hadn't even lived together or seen each other every day. They were both busy people, who could only find bits and pieces of stolen minutes to text and call and meet up once every couple months. But he had missed her every moment of every day since the accident.
Was that fate too?
Seongbin was still looking at him, eyes sweeping across Iwol’s face like he was looking for something. “I think fate is what you make of it. I want the six of us to be fate and so it is.”
He said it so easily, like it was just that simple.
But then again, wasn't it?
Maybe Iwol was the one who was thinking about it wrong. Why couldn't it be that simple? Life did not give you reasons for the trials and blessings it gave you. It just took and gave and you had to live in the aftermath.
“When did you grow up so much Seongbin-ah?”
"Weren't you the one who said I was the only one who could be SpArk’s leader? I’ve learned and grown up a lot while taking care of the kids,” Seongbin laughed.
Iwol could only agree “Yes, I suppose you have.”
From further in the dorm, they heard the sound of a door opening and Kiyeon’s voice called out. “The rain is stopping, let’s go to the company now before it starts pouring again!”