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“I know grief better than almost anyone, and I can tell you one thing: you can’t go around it. You can only go through it. But you do get through it somehow.”
Leanne’s words were ingrained in Ethan’s brain after they took Dana to the morgue. It’s all he could think about. The cult had thrown them both through a loop, but he could see that Leanne was struggling, even without her admitting it. He’s been able to read her pretty well since he started at Angels. They were close, but as close as some people thought. They were well past the end of their shift, and he had been told by Jesse and Campbell multiple times to go home, but he would just brush them off with a weak excuse because he needed to find Leanne. She had vanished after Dana reunited with her parents. He had been called away during his search, though he had checked a few of her spots. One place he hadn’t been was her office. The inner sanctum, as it were. She valued her privacy and space in her office. It was almost like you had to be invited in.
Ethan finally changed and headed towards her office. He knew her locker code, so he’d grabbed her bags already, so she didn’t have to make that trip before getting her out the door. The blinds were down, which wasn’t uncommon, as hospital lighting was far too bright even after years of working in it. He managed to knock with his full hands and waited a few seconds, but there was no “come in.” As quietly as he could manage, he opened the door just enough for himself and the bags to squeeze through before closing it behind him. depositing the bags by the door, he flicked on one light, and he smiled when he caught sight of Leanne curled up on the small sofa tucked in one corner of her office.
He approached quietly and lowered himself down in the small space between the table and the sofa before gently shaking her awake. It hurt him to do so because she looked so peaceful, but having a full rest on the sofa wasn’t a good idea, given the way she had made herself small to fit on the two cushions. Leanne huffed in her sleep and stirred slowly. When her eyes opened, it took her a moment to adjust to the dimmer light.
“Hey, sleepy”, Ethan whispered with a teasing lilt to his tone. He watched her face register where she was and who was waking her up. What he didn’t expect was her sleepy “hi” in response.
“What time is it?” Leanne’s voice was a raspy whisper; her eyes were now focused on Ethan’s face as she took in the little space between them.
“Well, let’s just say, we should have left an hour ago” There was not judgement in his tone. Rationally, she knows that Ethan wouldn’t judge her unless she had dramatically overstepped or made a decision in the centre stage that he disagreed with, but being this close to him in her safe space was making her doubt herself.
“Maybe we should just live here”, it was her turn to have that teasing lilt in her whisper, and he couldn’t stop the smile growing when she laughed.
“So, who gets dibs on the couch?”
“Easy, me. My couch, my office. You get the floor.”
“What if I get in here before you? Surely, that means I get dibs on the couch?!” He hadn’t realised they were breathing the same air until his nose almost brushed hers as she adjusted her lying position.
“You drive a hard bargain, Colonel Willis.” Her referring to him by his official rank should not have this effect on him, but it really does make him weak at the knees (which is embarrassing for him to admit even to himself).
Leanne’s inner monologue was running riot when she realised they had got closer and their noses were so close to brushing. They were used to working in close quarters with the touches and the looks but this was something different. The tension in the room could be cut with a knife. This tension had only increased after instances where they’ve opened up a little more to each other. Like today, she wanted Ethan there because he has his own grief that he refuses to acknowledge. He hides behind this tough guy façade, but she can see right through him, almost like looking through a window. He carries his own grief and the grief of anyone he lets get close. She wondered if she was the exception. While they weren’t extremely close, he seemed comfortable enough to share things with her that she couldn’t recall him sharing with any of their other friends. He was very adamant that he wouldn’t make friends with them because he wasn’t staying for long, yet here they were, a couple of months in, friendly as ever.
“You okay there?” The question pulled Leanne from her thoughts. She felt okay because she felt safe with him, even when he went and did something stupid.
“Yeah, sorry, got lost in my head.”
“Today was tough. You’d feel better in your own bed”
“I usually would, but I don’t really want to be alone.”
Previously, there would have been hesitation in her voice. A little quiver that Ethan recognised when she was upset and struggling to process, but not this time. She was honest in a way that is truly unique to her, and he found himself feeling proud. Ethan looked in her eyes one more time, hoping they could speak the words he couldn’t say, before forcing himself up. He offered her a hand, which she took immediately as she got up off the sofa and stretched. This was new for them. He had never seen her house. He didn’t even know where she lived.
Leanne went through her usual post-shift office routine. Her ponytail was a mess, so she let her hair flow freely as Ethan made himself busy fluffing the cushions up where she’d just lain. She smiled to herself when she realised that he’d already grabbed her bags from her locker. She had never outright told him her locker code, but he had clearly watched her enter it a couple of times to remember it. Usually, she would get changed before going home. She doesn’t mind driving home in her scrubs; she’s done it countless times, but she just wants to be Leanne right now, not Doctor Rorish. The silence in the office must have alerted Ethan to her little internal struggle because he is now making his way over to her as she grips onto her desk chair and curses the tears in her eyes.
“What do you need?”
She should hate how he knows that she needs something, but she doesn’t. In fact, she welcomes it, and she’s found herself doing that more often. She manages to flick her teary eyes to the backpack on the floor. It takes a second for him to catch on without either of them uttering a word since his question. He gets her, and that should terrify her. It does usually. However, tonight, it doesn’t.
Ethan pulls her folded jeans and t-shirt from her pack and leaves them on the desk. He lightly squeezes her wrist before slipping out the door to give her privacy to change. She changes quickly and stuffs her scrubs into the backpack. Then she takes a few deep breaths while picking up her bags and flicking off the single light that Ethan had turned on. Leanne finds him leaning against the wall opposite the lift with his own bag in hand. It’s been years since she has found something attractive, but there was something about Ethan that she was attracted to.
Her gaze lingers as she gets closer, and her tired brain is wondering if now would be the appropriate time to kiss him. There would never be an appropriate time, and she will blame it on the exhaustion when she’s much more awake. A girl can dream, right? Ethan immediately falls into step with her as they make their way through the busy corridors. The hospital was still in code black and that was the least of their worries. The sunlight was bright and warm as they made their way through the ambulance bay to the car park. Ethan’s bike was taking up a whole spot not far from her car. She was awake enough to drive.
“Just follow me, it’s not far”, was the last thing she said before disappearing towards her car.
--
Even with the early morning traffic, it only took about twenty minutes to get to Leanne’s quiet neighbourhood. The houses were all different sizes, shapes and colours but it wasn’t overwhelming, it was quite welcoming. It was very Leanne and Ethan could see why she’d want to raise a family here. Leanne was already out of her car when Ethan pulled up on the drive that was big enough for two cars. He turned the engine off and watched her through his visor. She was fiddling with her keys as she waited for him.
Within three minutes, they were inside the house, and Leanne was in the kitchen, making them both tea. Ethan wasn’t a huge tea drinker, but he was a sucker for English Breakfast tea. He wandered around the open-plan kitchen and living room. Photos lined the walls, a mix of her family and trips they had clearly been on years ago.
“London was my favourite. We went twice. That’s where I picked up the tea drinking habit.” Leanne was approaching him with two steaming mugs. He turned slightly to take one from her, and their fingers brushed during the exchange.
“Never been, but served with a few Brits who tried to convert me to tea. You look happy,” he gestures to the two frames hung next to each other. One photo was just her smiling and standing near Big Ben. The other was her and her husband snuggled up somewhere in Camden.
“Yeah. I’ve always wanted to go back, but you know…” she was quieter as she came to a stop next to him. Both holding their mugs in one hand and looking at the happier memories littering her walls.
“Never found the time, life gets in the way. I know that feeling.”
She turns herself to face him, head tilting up as she watches his eyes roam over the pictures. She has fully let him into her inner sanctum, and she’s strangely okay with that. Jesse is the only other one who has been allowed here. She will have to unpack all of this another time, but for now, she’s okay.
They drink their tea and unwind. There isn’t much conversation, and neither of them minds. Ethan is the first to rise as he takes his mug into the kitchen and puts it in the sink. He lingers there for a few seconds, looking out the window that faces the yard. An old swing set sits proudly in line with the window. It’s weathered, but it was clearly loved.
“I couldn’t bring myself to get rid of it”, came softly from behind him. The crack at the end of the sentence pulled on his heartstrings.
He feels her heat as she leans over and dumps her mug next to his. He doesn’t quite know how to respond to that comment, so he leaves it for now. He then follows her around the house, almost like a lost puppy, which makes him laugh internally. They reach a door, which he assumes is a bedroom, and she hesitates ever so slightly.
“I can sleep on the couch, if that’s more comfortable for you”
Leanne shakes her head, “Just give me a minute. I haven’t let anyone else sleep in here with me since...”
Now it was Ethan’s turn to hesitate and take a deep breath. This wasn’t just new territory for them; it was new territory for her. It’s been so long since she has trusted a man enough to let them into her space. Into her bed.
The door opens, and the room smells lightly of her perfume. The walls are a soft blue, and the furniture is white. It feels airy and light. The bed is tucked under a small window while a big picture window takes up the garden-facing wall. There is a cosy-looking chair facing the window with a stuffed bookcase tucked in the corner. There is another door, which he is assuming is either a walk-in wardrobe or an en-suite. A dresser sits proudly at the bottom of the bed with various bottles and makeup products scattered across it. A few pictures are tucked into the gap between the mirror frame and the mirror. The room feels so Leanne that it makes his heart clench because she trusts him enough already that he gets to be welcomed here. Leanne disappears through the other door as Ethan crosses the threshold slowly, like he is crossing a minefield in the middle of a warzone. The laundry basket by the bedroom door is overflowing, and that makes him laugh. For someone so organised, she cannot get all her laundry done.
“There’s a spare toothbrush and a clean towel in the en-suite, if you want to shower”, she looks almost sheepish as she slips through the door back into the main room.
“That’s great, thank you. I’ll go back down and grab my bag.”
Leanne watches him go before adjusting the covers and pillows on the bed. Her pyjamas consisted of old t-shirts and flannel shorts. It was still warm after all. She put the aircon on low, closed the curtains and then got herself situated in the bed. Her glasses were dropped into their case on the bedside table. Ethan had gone straight into the en-suite with his bag, and as she lay down, the water started running.
She must have dropped off because the next time she woke up, Ethan was changed and was moving his bag near her chair by the window. She had left the covers turned back on the empty side of the bed. Her way of saying that she was okay and that she wanted him there. She could hear him packing stuff into his bag as her eyes grew heavy again. She fought the tiredness as the bed eventually dipped. There was plenty of space between them as the bed was far bigger than she actually needed. She turned over so she was now lying on her left side to face him.
The silence was comforting as she let herself drop off. Ethan was far more relaxed than he thought he would be. Maybe it was because the room was welcoming, or maybe it was because he was in the same space as her, in her terms. While these were not the best of terms, he was just happy that she once again felt safe enough to let him in.
--
Ethan wakes up, and Leanne’s digital clock reads 1:03 pm. They’ve slept for a few hours with no nightmares for either of them. He’s no longer on his side, and there is no longer a large gap between them. Both of them have gravitated towards each other in their sleep. They’re not touching or cuddling, but close enough to feel each other’s heat. Now he’s lucid, he can feel her breath fanning over his cheek. He turns his head slightly to find Leanne’s head tucked in the dip between their pillows. Her fingers are brushing his wrist, where she can feel his pulse.
They get up at around 3 pm in search of some well-needed food. Leanne orders far too much Chinese food that they end up taking it back to work with them for another long evening shift. A short conversation is had about this development between them. Both agree that the friends label is enough and what they’re comfortable with. Leanne is a little more closed off, which Ethan respects and doesn’t push. It’s slow going and that’s okay.