Chapter Text
July 4th, 10:30 PM
The bursting of fireworks in the summer sky served as a colorful reminder that McKay's shift was finally over.
The day had been especially long, not as chaotic as the pittfestival accident but definitely a worthy opponent. Patients coming and going all the time, fleeing, fainting, vomiting, blood, and all that added to the infernal heat of the July summer and the hospital's malfunctioning operating system.
Cassie just wanted to rest, but instead, she was there, in front of the clinic exit, next to all her colleagues, watching the polychromatic fireworks coloring the dark sky. A figure approached and, just by glancing sideways, she managed to identify her: Victoria Javadi, fourth-year intern, her favorite student and, most likely, the most dedicated, if she would allow herself to say so. It was strange to see her without her everyday black clothes; Instead, she wore a purple tank top and mom jeans, with the purple jacket that had become her trademark in the hospital environment tied around her waist. "How cute," Cassie thought, before forcing a warm smile, slightly squeezing the corners of her eyes with the fat in her cheeks.
Victoria gave a weak smile, her expressive eyes momentarily resting on the redhead's gaze before returning their focus to the colorful spectacle before her.
Javadi was a mess. Her gaze distractedly followed the explosions of light in the sky, but carried the detachment of someone still caught up in the events of the last few hours; her arms rested loosely at her sides, and even her posture seemed to have succumbed to exhaustion, her muscles finally giving way after spending the entire day sustained only by adrenaline.
Cassie didn't dare interrupt that moment. To be honest, I didn't even know where to begin. I knew any sentence would sound too small compared to what I imagined Victoria was going through. I knew what it was like to be exhausted after a shift; she was the living example of it. Messy hair, dark circles under her eyes as if she hadn't slept in at least three days, and she probably didn't smell very pleasant.
Cassie knew Victoria's story, or at least the version that Princess and Perlah discussed in the hallways: Medicine at thirteen, residency in the same place where her own mother was a constant presence, forced from a young age to be the perfect girl. It was for the few, and even then, it seemed to exact too high a price.
The idea of Javadi being unhappy with the life he led hit Cassie like a bucket of cold water, making McKay's heart stumble in her chest, skipping a beat before remembering to continue. She pressed her lips together until they formed a single thin line and put her arm around the younger woman's shoulder, pulling her close with a careful squeeze that she promptly reciprocated, wrapping her hand around the other woman's waist and automatically returning the squeeze.
And so they remained, without breaking the silence, without asking for explanations, without saying whether everything was alright or not. Only the weight of the day between them, breathing, occupying space, speaking for itself while Cassie struggled not to falter, feeling the student's touch on her waist.
The moment of silence seemed to be shared by the entire team.
The scent of lavender quickly filled Cassie's lungs as Javadi nestled her head in the crook of her neck. McKay glanced discreetly at the younger woman, allowing herself to analyze the figure for a moment.
It was unfair, honestly. Even after such an exhausting shift, capable of leaving anyone there worn out, Javadi still managed to be… beautiful. Her voluminous hair, tied back, seemed to struggle to escape its ponytail, and small strands of her bangs framed her face, her expressive eyes carrying the weight of the day's exhaustion, and a soft blush spreading from her cheeks to her chest. Nothing perfectly styled as she usually appeared at the start of the day, but perhaps that was precisely what provoked Cassie the most.
That ignited a flame in McKay, a flame she would never, ever admit to feeling, a dirty, despicable fire, capable of jeopardizing any chance of another job in the hospital field if any superior found out. She was disgusting. He swallowed hard, fearing that his companions around him would hear his sordid thoughts, fearing that they would know of his depravity.
His stomach churned as the idea that McKay most hated to acknowledge took root in his brain: the idea that Victoria was still untouched by the world. As if she hadn't yet been used, marked. As if she were too young for certain experiences... a virgin.
Shit, he couldn't think that. Not of a student. Not of Javadi. Even if she was perfectly imperfect besideher.
It was unethical, impulsive, disgusting, and certainly one-sided.
'They're just thoughts.' That bitter certainty echoed in his head, a way to feel a little less filthy about his thoughts. 'No one will know.'
sShe promptly pushed the intrusive thoughts away from his head, pressing his fingers so hard that his knuckles turned white. The fireworks served as another distraction, the sky now flashing in the colors of the American flag, blue, white, and red, repeating the pattern several times.
McCay glanced at Victoria, who now sported a small, astonished smile on her face, her eyes still unsteady on the horizon.
July 4th, 10:38 PM
“Happy 4th of July.” was the last thing Javadi murmured before pulling away from the touch.
McKay watched her disappear with his eyes, his mind wandering to how Victoria seemed sadder than usual, but let he who is without sin cast the first stone – who hasn't had a bad day? Cassie herself had at least two bad days a week; most likely the girl just wanted to rest, go out with friends, her boyfriend…
Hmm, I wonder if Javadi had a boyfriend?
July 4th, 11:00 PM
Most of the day shift colleagues had already left.
In fact, the only person still there was Robby, who seemed to be stubbornly clinging to his own idea of taking a three-month sabbatical. But that wasn't McKay's concern; his mind was too busy fantasizing about the idea of his own bed. She wanted to enjoy her own company since Chad insisted Harrison spend the Fourth of July with him, take a shower, drink some wine, enjoy watching any minimally decent porn and (hopefully) sleep the rest of the night.
She walked down the locker aisle, saying goodbye here and there to a familiar face she encountered along the way. The plan was to go to the car and drive home, literally the same thing she did every day. Simple, right? Right. If it weren't for that damned craving burning deep in her chest, begging to escape after a stressful day.
Not Javadi this time, but the nicotine.
Guilt weighed heavily on her stomach.
She needed something to help her calm down, just one more time. What harm would it do? Harrison wouldn't need to know… She let out a sigh and rummaged through her pockets until she found a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, already half-empty. She stared at the objects with disgust, knowing this was another path to ruin, but it was too late to stop it. When she blinked, she was already on the terrace, cigarette in mouth, battling the hot July winds to light the cigarette.
As she closed the fire door behind her, her eyes wandered around the place, but she didn't expect to find a familiar silhouette.
Hair tied back, purple blouse, jeans.
Javadi.
McKay froze.
A whirlwind of reasons that could have led the young woman to be where she was raced through her mind. The cigarette hung from her mouth, now seeming not to be the most important thing at the moment. The older woman frowned, analyzing Victoria from behind. Tense shoulders, head down, the same vague and tired look from earlier.
An unpleasant shiver ran down McKay's spine.
She knew that kind of silence.
She knew the distant look, the tense shoulders, the way someone could seem perfectly still while waging an entire war inside their own head.
The lighter felt heavy in her hand.
“‘Vadi?” she called, her tone a little gentler than she expected.
Victoria jumped, being forcefully pulled from her melancholic trance, quickly turning around to meet the blue eyes waiting for her. Her expression softened slightly, the corners of her lips forming a weak smile that warmed Cassie's heart; she hadn't seen her smile like that since the beginning of her shift.
“You know the rooftop isn't exactly the psychiatry department's favorite place, right?” she returned the smile, now closer. She leaned against the railing, next to the brunette.
“Oh, sorry… I didn't know it was occupied…” She seemed lost, her teary eyes reflecting the city lights as she played with her fingers, tapping them together. McKay exhaled through her nose.
"Vadi, it's a terrace, not a bathroom. I think it fits two people." That didn't seem to help Victoria relax. She shrank back.
Silence quickly settled in.
McKay could simply leave and move on with her life; after all, Victoria really seemed to want some time alone. But something didn't seem right.
Victoria didn't seem right.
"Tough day?" she began, breaking the silence. She took a drag of her cigarette and blew it to the other side of the younger girl.
"Yeah..." her voice came out choked. "I guess it's common after a shift like this." Javadi's gaze rested on Cassie's mouth before rising to her eyes. "I didn't know you smoked."
The weight of guilt hit McKay's stomach hard. She squeezed her eyes shut as if that would somehow negate Victoria's words. “I don’t smoke.”
Victoria raised an eyebrow in amusement. McKay exhaled, shaking her head.
“Okay, you got me.”
“Does Harrison know about this?”
That pang of guilt pinched McKay again; she tightened her cigarette and smoked a little more, breaking the exchange of glances.
“No, he… no. He can’t know about this at all.” Her face flushed, giving way to an awkward smile. McKay rubbed the back of her hand against her forehead, wondering what kind of example she was setting at that moment. How embarrassing…
“Don’t worry. I won’t tell him.” Javadi purposefully brushed his shoulder against Cassie’s, giving her a slight push. For the first time in the conversation she seemed to be loosening up.
"Look at that. I thought every model student was a snitch." The cigarette now burned between her fingers, forgotten. "If Harry knew about this, he'd most likely take me to Smokers Anonymous meetings on a leash."
This time Victoria laughed.
She laughed softly until she broke into a laugh, imagining the scene. Cassie joined in with a little less intensity, feeling something loosen inside her chest.
It was ridiculous.
She had spent the last few hours dealing with seriously ill patients, making decisions capable of changing the course of someone's life, and yet all it took was hearing that laugh for her heart to find a different rhythm.
Seeing Javadi's smile was cruel. Cruel because Cassie had spent years learning to be sensible, learning that she couldn't have what she wanted when she wanted it, learning to accept limits. But then, with a simple laugh, Victoria managed to completely dismantle her. Suddenly she was no longer that experienced woman with a quick answer, but a silly young woman letting her heart guide her as if she didn't know the trouble all this could cause.
The silence returned, completely different from before. It was light and still carried the sound of Javadi's small, loose laughs. The wind blew against their hot faces, loosening a small, stubborn strand of hair from her thick black fringe. McKay struggled to look away.
“I must be a mess right now,” he exclaimed between laughs, his gaze resting on Cassie as he ran a hand through the loose strand.
“I envy those who aren’t,” he added, stubbing out his cigarette. His blue eyes met her black ones for a second longer than necessary, a dangerous second.
July 4th, 11:32 p.m.
They stayed on the terrace longer than they cared to admit. Chatting idly, without haste, as if finally the weight and adrenaline of that day were dissipating amidst laughter.
They talked about Harrison and his newfound obsession with zombie movies (an obsession that Javadi considered completely normal, but which still slightly frightened the first-time mother, who feared her son might be exposed to too much violence). They gossiped about Santos and Garcia, about how they seemed exactly the same person when it came to teasing, insults, and threats. Unforgettable patients, funny shifts, comments about the fireworks that continued to explode in the distance. Nothing truly important like the conversations they had in the mornings.
Cassie could barely keep up with most of the changes in subject.
Because what really stole her attention was watching Victoria laugh. Watching how she seemed more relaxed than at the beginning of her shift, the shy way she tried to contain her own smile, the way she tucked her hair behind her ear when she was nervous...
Too busy realizing how easy it was to be there.
And that was dangerous.
Cassie could hardly remember the last time she'd spent so much time in a conversation—not on duty, not in triage. Just a conversation. It was light, youthful. As if some part of her, buried under years of responsibilities and routines, had found a way to breathe again.
“Can I ask you a question?” Cassie began, her gaze drifting to the horizon.
Victoria took a second longer to answer. “Can you?” She laughed. “That sounds pretty serious.”
They both laughed. It wasn't funny.
“Maybe it is.” McKay glanced sideways.
“Go ahead.”
“Why… why are you here, Vic?”
Vic.
Shit. Too personal.
She mentally condemned herself but continued forcing formality. Javadi didn't seem bothered.
She gave a crooked smile that came with a dry laugh.
“Because I don't want to leave.”
“Why?” McKay approached, concern etched on his face.
“Because then I’d have to take a shower.”
Cassie let out a laugh, the kind that makes the little kids on the street believe there’s a witch in the building. Victoria laughed too, in a lower tone, admiring how expressive McKay was when she laughed. Their eyes met and remained fixed on each other for what seemed like an eternity.
“And you?” Javadi rested his forearms on the windowsill. “Why are you here?”
Cassie blinked.
“I asked first.”
“And I answered.”
Victoria was closer now, sporting a provocative smile that made Cassie roll her eyes.
"My house is quiet. Too quiet, actually." Cassie let out a small laugh. "Harry's with Chad and Chloe, and the whole place feels.. i dont know, weird without him."
Javadi's eyes were completely black, the irises barely visible.
"After a shift like today, being alone feels... strange. So I came up here to smoke."
Silence returned, not unsettling but present.
“It makes sense,” Javadi announced, watching a final colorful streak paint the sky orange.
“Does it?”
“I can understand what it must be like to be on the other side of the coin.”
Something inside McKay broke, but she kept her expression intact, glancing sideways at the brunette focused on the sky. That was the difference between them, or, at least, the main chasm. McKay was a mother, old enough to be Victoria's mother. Her shoulders slumped, as if the weight of her own thoughts collapsed upon them.
“Your mother shouldn't be worried about you being out so late?”
Javadi seemed uneasy at the question.
“Her only requirement is that I show up at home sooner or later.” Her face fell. “I said I was going to take a bus home later, then she said happy Fourth of July and left. I guess I really don’t mean much to her outside the hospital.”
The words echoed in the back of Cassie’s mind for seconds after Javadi’s comment. What hurt the most was seeing that the girl didn’t seem shaken by it, as if such a lack of contact with her mother was normal. As a first-time mother, the only thing Cassie hoped for in her relationship with Harrison was that everything would always be okay between them.
First, she imagined herself in Eileen Shamsi’s shoes. Thinking about how difficult the stage must be where a daughter’s love and affection become more of an obligation than something genuine. That sent a shiver down Cassie’s spine just imagining the possibility of that happening with Harrison.
Then she put herself in Victoria’s place. She never heard much about his mother; Javadi seemed to have some kind of emotional block when it came to talking about family, but the little he knew was enough to agree with him.
Shamsi was a mother, so obviously she loved her offspring as one would expect from any maternal relationship, but what ruined her was her ego and the desperate desire to display Victoria as a trophy. A conquest, the perfect girl.
Cassie opened her mouth but quickly closed it again. She didn't know what to say, she wanted to wrap Victoria in her arms and protect her from all the evil in the world. To run her hand over that soft face and comfort her. To tell her everything was alright, to affirm how good she was.
To affirm how good she was to McKay.
"Well..." Javadi sighed. McKay snapped out of his trance. "I guess eventually I'll have to face my sad, empty dungeon... I mean, my room." Victoria laughed dryly, now increasing the distance between them, shrinking back; it was starting to get cold.
Cassie hesitated.
For a full second.
Two.
Maybe five.
"You don't have to."
The sentence slipped out before it could be taken back.
Cassie looked as surprised as Victoria. They exchanged glances, sharing the shock.
"What?"
Shit.
"Harrison isn't home."
That explained absolutely nothing.
From Victoria's expression, she knew it.
((Mckay, stop immediately.)) she repeated to herself, but without success.
"So..."
Cassie looked away towards the horizon. She needed to stop this, and she knew it very well.
"If you'd like, we can just have a quiet night together”
Stop, stop it now.
Victoria's smile slowly appeared, making Cassie even more nervous.
"Like a girls' night after shift," she added.
"Are you inviting me to your house, McKay?"
It had been a normal question.
It should have been a normal question.
But the way Victoria looked at her, the way she hydrated her lips before speaking, the strangely warm tone and forgotten closeness now returning to the surface made the resident's mind spin. Something stirred in her stomach, maybe in her pants. It didn't matter. Javadi seemed interested in the offer.
"Ah..." she seemed to finally return to her body and become aware of her own actions. "Sorry, it was a strange request, wasn't it—"
"No! No! Not at all!" Her face lit up; she didn't have to be the same depressed girl from a few minutes ago. "I think it could be fun... I'm not used to leaving the house, as you can well imagine."
She paused, her gaze analyzing the older figure while gently biting the corner of her mouth. It was quick, most likely innocent. But Cassie noticed.
July 4th, 12:58 a.m.
Cassie considered herself a decent person.
Not necessarily good, but decent.
She tried every single day to be a good person: she stopped doing drugs, did volunteer work on Sundays, cared about every living (or dead) soul that set foot in Pitt.
But it was hard to keep telling herself she was a good person when her greatest sin was sitting next to her, in the passenger seat of the car.
Touching up her lip gloss, looking at her own full lips in the small sun visor mirror.
Javadi looked up, his dark eyes meeting her light ones, for a millisecond before McKay lost it.
It had been quick.
But the guilt weighed on her stomach, spreading that bitter taste in her mouth. A warm, viscous weight settling inside her, quickly spreading to her ribs.
Cassie straightened up in the leather seat, feeling hyper-aware of everything. Of the fact that she'd been staring at Victoria for so long that she'd been caught. Of the fact that she had a girl at least 20 years younger in her car. Of the fact that her boxers were a mess now.
She gripped the steering wheel tightly. She needed to focus on the road, she needed to normalize the situation.
Cassie took a deep breath through her nose.
It didn't help.
The revulsion remained there, clinging to her like smoke on clothes.
"Want to put on some music?" the hoarse voice broke the silence. The older woman's focus was fixed on the road.
“I thought you’d never ask. What do you usually listen to?” Javadi seemed to analyze the situation before leaning closer to the car radio, placing his hand on Cassie’s thigh for support. “No! Wait, let me guess!”
She leaned in.
Her hand.
Mckay felt every muscle in her body tense.
Maybe it had been a slip, something innocent, unintentional. Especially since it hadn’t lasted even a few seconds. But it was enough for Cassie’s stomach to churn under her shirt. She clenched her jaw so hard she swore she could break it.
She glanced sideways at Victoria, who continued chattering about the music. She thought Cassie would like it, but she was too distracted to notice.
Too distracted by the imaginary trail on her skin, still warm, feeling the absence of Victoria’s hand, begging for more. Imagining what it would be like if she climbed up, dragging herself and carving a dirty, dangerous path to where she needed to be most.
She immediately reprimanded herself for it.
"Cass?" the nickname echoed in her mind.
She blinked a few times until she snapped out of her trance.
"I asked how long you've lived here in Pittsburgh."
Victoria was now back in her initial position, looking at Cassie while smiling, seemingly completely calm.
Or she was pretending very well.
"Oh well, I think it's been about 12 years... around there," she replied awkwardly, slightly opening her window in the false hope that the cold breeze would wash away that horrible feeling.
For a brief moment, dark eyes met hers.
There was something there.
Something too attentive.
As if Javadi had realized exactly the effect he was having and had decided not to comment.
The corner of the brunette's mouth curled into a small smile before she looked back out the window.
That made Cassie's stomach churn again.