Chapter Text
December 2018
This isn't how Tyler imagined his first official fight in the NHL would go. He knew it would hurt, obviously. But the kind of pain he's going through right now is way beyond physical. He knows the throbbing pain above his left eye will get fixed with stitches and some pain killers. For the other sort of pain however… well, there's no way alleviating it that doesn't involve massive amounts of alcohol. This fight is something that he never thought would happen. Not in a million years or in some kind of alternate universe. And yet, here he is, blood running down the left side of his face, probably about to lose a couple teeth, an ominous number 14 sitting on his opponent's helmet. It seems like the universe just loves to surprise him.
July 2018
Some phone calls are simply life changing, Jamie thinks. He can single out three calls in particular that changed things for him. The first one came in 2007 when the Stars called to tell him they’d draft him. Another one came in 2014, when Hockey Canada called to tell him he’d made the Olympic team.
Right now though, after receiving the one that will probably go down as his fourth life changing call, Jamie keeps thinking back to summer of 2013, July 4th in particular, and the call he got from the Jim Nill that day. Back then, he didn't know it was life changing. Sure, trades are always tough and losing 4 players was definitely surprising. It wasn't that he didn't think getting Tyler Seguin wasn't going to change things, team wise. But he had no inkling or way of knowing the huge impact Tyler would truly have on his life. He didn't know how it would affect his personality, the way he carried himself, his life in general. He didn't know how happy it would make him in the long-run. Or what he thought was the long-run but is seemingly over.
The fourth life changing phone-call comes in the middle of the day, right before lunch. Katie had made pasta and Greek salad and they were just about to sit down to eat when his phone rang. Jamie wouldn't have normally picked up but Nill rarely called him unless it was important. He guessed he’d made the right choice when he heard the GM almost panting on the other side of the phone.
“I need you to talk to Seguin,” Jim said, without even greeting him,
“What? Why?” Jamie asked in confusion. Nill was clearly agitated.
“Just talk to him, Benn. As soon as humanly possible.”
“Tyler and I aren't really on talking terms right now, Jim.”
“Seriously? Well, that explains a lot. Whatever you did to him, apologize. Right now.”
“What I did to him? He’s the one who needs to apologize to me, Jim.” Jamie snapped back. Katie looked up and mouthed something along the lines of ‘You tell him, babe!’
“This isn't the time to be proud, Jamie!” Nill raised his voice, and sounded oddly… desperate, “What did he do? Sleep with your sister? Kill your goldfish? What was it? Is it really that unforgivable?”
“He missed my wedding.” Jamie answered with a sigh.
“He missed your- gosh! Give me a break, Benn! Lots of people missed your wedding, it's not a big deal!”
“He RSVP-ed!! He was practically the best man! He was supposed to give a speech and everything!” Katie looked less pleased at that statement given that she never quite approved of Tyler’s role at the wedding, “He didn't show up at the last minute and offered no explanation whatsoever. We had an empty seat at a table because of him.”
“Listen, Jamie.” Jim said, less agitated but more commanding, “I understand that it was important to you that he was there, I do. But right now, you need to be a captain and do what’s best for the entire team. There's a lot at stake here.”
“What the hell is going on, Jim? Why is it so important that I talk to Tyler?”
“Seguin’s contract negotiations aren't…going as planned.”
“They're stalled? That's not so terrible, happens all the time. Doesn't mean he's not signing.”
“Do you think I don't know that, Benn? I'm not a rookie GM, I’ve negotiated contracts before!” Nill raised his voice again.
“Jim, calm down. I didn't mean to offend you or anything I just-”
“I know I shouldn't yell, I'm sorry. I'm just very stressed right now.” Nill said sighing, “Negotiations are not stalled, Jamie. They haven’t even started.”
“Why not? What happened?”
“Seguin refuses to, says he doesn't want to sign with us. Wants to try out free agency.”
“He wants to do what now?!” Jamie had raised his voice in surprise and startled Katie, who took her plate and went to eat somewhere else.
“You heard me. I was a shocked as you are. His agent even told us to stop calling him, said Tyler had made up his mind about leaving.”
“He can't leave! He said Dallas was- He said we were- We just- I can't-” Jamie was unable to string a sentence together. This was not a good surprise like with the Olympics or the draft. It wasn't even one he was unsure of, like the trade in 2013. This was plain terrible. Sure, he’d been mad at Tyler over the wedding but for heaven's sake, he absolutely did not want him to leave.
“I know this is very important to you, that's why I called.”
“I- yeah, thanks for telling me, Jim. I'm on my way to talk to him.” Jamie replied after finally regaining his ability to speak properly. Nill thanked him and hanged up.
“Where are you going?” Katie asked as he grabbed his keys.
“I need to go talk to Tyler, it's important,” he answered.
“Can't it wait? You haven't even eaten yet,” She looked at him concerned.
“I’ll eat later. I need to fix this now.” Jamie gave her a quick peck on the lips and walked out before she could ask more questions.
The drive to Tyler’s house is long. It seems longer today in particular because of the urgency of the situation. It’s a 15 minute drive which might not be considered long by most people. But Tyler's house used to be only a few blocks away from his and before that, there were only a couple floors separating their apartments. He still doesn't know why Tyler moved this time. The first move, when he moved out of their building, he said it was because he wanted to get another dog and he needed more space. He kept nagging Jamie until he convinced him to also move out and buy a house in the same neighborhood. After the second move, no nagging came. In fact, Tyler didn't even tell Jamie about it until after he had already moved. He offered no explanation and Jamie didn't want to pester him for one.
He wonders how they got to this point. They used to talk to each other about things. He used to know Tyler like the back of his hand and now he's a mystery to him. Why would Tyler want to leave Dallas? It makes no sense. The season hadn't been stellar but they still went to the playoffs. Not to mention the fact they won the Stanley cup last season. Jamie remembers it clear as day. He handed the cup to Tyler first and was blinded by his smile. Tyler couldn't stop smiling that whole night and Jamie was so glad that the same guy who’d been so sad after the trade, was now a beacon of joy.
“We did it, Benny! We proved them wrong!” Tyler had yelled in his ear when they hugged.
That was probably the best night of Jamie's life. Better than his wedding, if he's being honest. It was only a year ago but it seems like decades away.
He arrives at Tyler's house and knocks on the door. They used to have a key to each other's places but Tyler never gave him one to this house.
“Oh, it's you,” Tyler says when he opens the door, looking surprised and not very glad to see him. “What's up?”
“I need to talk to you. Can I come in?” Jamie asks.
“Yeah, sure. Just ignore the mess,” Tyler answers. His living room is definitely messy, with carton boxes laying around, “So… what's up?”
“Nill called me. He says you don't want to play in Dallas anymore.”
“Oh.”
“Oh? That's all you're going to say?”
“I don't know what you want me to say.”
“How about a reason, Tyler? Give me one good reason why you would throw away everything we’ve built together here,” Tyler keeps avoiding his gaze, keeps looking at the floor, “Is it about money?”
“What? No!”
“Because I can take a pay cut. I’ll give up half my money if that's what you want.”
“It's not about money, Jamie.”
“Then what is it? Why the hell would you want to leave? Tell me what I can do to make you stay.”
“Rachel’s pregnant.” Tyler says solemnly.
Rachel was Tyler's girlfriend for the past year. He'd been pretty serious about her but they broke up in March, around the same time Jamie and Katie got engaged.
“Why does that matter? You guys broke up months ago. Isn't she back with her ex?”
“Yeah, but the kid’s still mine. She's 6 months pregnant. It adds up. And there were tests to confirm it so…”
“Oh. Well, Congratulations, I guess. But why does that mean you have to leave?”
“Rachel lives in Boston. She's got her life there. She can't move to Dallas.”
“So?”
“So if I want to see my kid for more than just the offseason I can't stay here.”
“Are you sure she can't move here?”
“I can't ask her to give up her whole life for me.”
“But you can give up everything for her? After she dumped you?”
“It's not for her, it's for the baby and I'm not giving up that much. It's not a big deal.”
“That's bullshit, Tyler.”
“It's not. You’d do the same thing in my position.”
“I wouldn't. I have loyalty. I absolutely would not abandon the team that gave me everything, the team I won a Stanley cup with.”
“I won a cup with Boston too, you know.”
“I do know. I also know they traded you here after they gave up on you.”
“I'm over that. This is for the best, Jamie.”
“The best for you. That's all you ever think about,” Jamie feels anger piled up inside him, “All you ever do is for your benefit and yours only. You only think about yourself. That's why I can't never count on you. You bailed on the Art Ross game, you bailed on my wedding, and you're bailing now. You're so fucking unreliable.”
“You done?” Tyler finally looks him in the eye, expressionless.
“No, I'm not done. You're a selfish dick and you're going to be a terrible father if you don't change that.”
Hurt flashes across Tyler's eyes and Jamie regrets his words instantly.
“Tyler, I-”
“Get out.” Tyler says firmly, “Please, just leave.”
Jamie knows he screwed up things beyond repair. Tyler is frowning at him, but his eyes are swelling up. If he's about to cry, Jamie doesn't want to see it. He does as he's told and walks out the door without another word.
Katie notices he's upset as soon as he gets home. He tells her the truth but holds back on showing how truly upset he is. He vows not to show anyone how much Tyler's betrayal hurt him. Katie of all people should not know that losing Tyler terrifies him.
“I just can't believe he's leaving.” Jamie tells Katie, keeping his voice in check so it doesn't break.
“I'm honestly not that surprised, sweetie.” Katie says, rubbing his back, “He only looks out for himself and he's always been a dick. I’ve always thought you gave him too much credit.”
That's not news to Jamie. Katie has always made her distaste for Tyler very clear. Especially after he and Rachel broke up. Katie is convinced that Tyler cheated, even though it was a pretty civil breakup as far as Jamie knows.
“You’re right, hon,” Jamie tells her, “Seguin is a selfish douchebag and I was dumb to think otherwise.” He tries to convince himself by saying it out loud. Hating Tyler is easier that the other alternative. Being angry at him is better than missing him.
“It's all going to be fine. The team doesn't need him. You don't need him.”
“I don't need him,” Jamie repeats after her, “I don’t need him.” He says again and wonders how many times he's going to have to say it to finally believe it.
A couple weeks later, he gets the notification from the NHL app: “Tyler Seguin signs 5 year contract with Boston Bruins.”
He's pretty proud for maintaining his composure in front of Jamie. Tyler broke down in tears as soon as he walked out. Jamie said he’d be a terrible father which is the same thing he’s been telling himself for the past few weeks. It's not that offensive and if it had been anyone else to say it to him, his reaction wouldn't have been so extreme. But since it was Jamie, who always lifted him up when he felt down, who always believed in him and that he could do good...well, it certainly fucked him up a bit. Or maybe a lot, since he's been crying his heart out for the past four hours.
Marshall and Cash get on the bed with him. He normally wouldn't allow them to do that but screw it, he's sad and he wants to cuddle his dogs.
“Do you guys think I'm a bad father?” He asks them. The dogs just look at him in confusion. He wishes they could speak and tell him ‘You're the best dog dad ever and you’ll be just as great as a human dad!’ But Cash licking the back of his hand is the only answer he gets.
The worst part about it all is that Jamie is right about him being selfish. He's putting himself above the team’s needs and it's unprofessional as fuck. Staying in Dallas would make him miserable and eventually he would break down and bring everyone down with him like some sort of emotional avalanche. Maybe it's not selfish after all, since he's avoiding causing drama and problems for others. It's the same reasoning he used when he decided to miss Jamie and Katie’s wedding. He’d thought he could do it. Show up, hot girl on his arm, smiling like he was actually happy for Jamie. But the day of the wedding, he couldn't stop crying. And when he tried to write the stupid speech, he just couldn't manage to do it without somehow confessing his true feelings. He realized that if he went to the wedding, he would end up doing something incredibly dramatic like yelling “Marry me instead, Jamie!” at one point during the ceremony. That would have been embarrassing. Not just for him, but for Jamie as well. It was best for everyone if he bailed.
Tyler tried getting over Jamie, he truly did. He moved away and stopped hanging out with him so much. He got himself a nice girlfriend and actually committed himself to her. Rachel was awesome and he was in love with her. He felt like they had a future together. It seemed Tyler's plan had been successful until Jamie got engaged and it dawned on him that he was not over him at all. There was no way he would stop loving Jamie if he kept having to see him every day, watching him love somebody else. Going to Boston was the best course of action, even if Rachel didn't agree.
“Signing with Bruins again is like getting back together with an ex that cheated on you. Where's your self-respect, Ty?” She said to him when he told her his plan.
“Your whole life is in Boston, though.” He retorted. She couldn't possibly just pack up and move to Dallas again.
“That doesn't mean yours has to be. We could have figured something out without you having to move here.”
“It's fine, Rachel. Don't worry about my self-respect.” She decided to drop it after hearing the resignation in his voice. Rachel and Tyler were in a very peculiar situation. They had broken up in March, not knowing that Rachel was already two months pregnant with his child. She's a trust fund kid, never had to work a day in her life, but after the breakup she went back to Boston and decided to get her shit together. She got a good job running a charity organization and also rekindled her relationship with her ex-boyfriend Rob, who played for the Red Sox. In the month after the break up, Tyler had done nothing but wallow in self-pity, while Rachel basically rebuilt her whole life. It was until April, when she started puking her guts out in the mornings, that she realized something was wrong. When the doctor told her she was three months pregnant, she made the math and knew the kid couldn't possibly be Rob’s. She called Tyler and gave him the option to back out. Apparently, Rob was okay with marrying her and claiming the kid as his own if Tyler refused. Maybe he wasn't a saint, but Tyler was most definitely not the kind of asshole who would abandon his own baby. So off to Boston it was.
The Bruins seemed delighted to resign him.
“We made a terrible mistake letting you go, son,” Don Sweeney tells him when he signs the contract. He feels like saying “Yeah, no shit, Sherlock,” but holds back his tongue. Even if the Bruins know now that trading him is not a good idea, he plans on avoiding any actions that might get him in trouble. That means no more partying, no more sleeping around, and no more missing team breakfast. He's going to score lot of goals and going to try to “fit in with the Bruins culture”, whatever the hell that means. He's a dad now and he needs to try to be a responsible adult. If Jamie thinks Tyler's going to be a terrible father, then he's going to prove him wrong.
The team has changed a lot since Tyler played there. Some guys left the team and some new ones have joined instead. Marchand throws a team get-together to celebrate his return to the Bruins.
“I'm so glad you're back, bro. You have no idea,” Marchand says to him, “It's going to be Seggy and Marchy, tearing up Beantown again.”
Tyler laughs in response. “I’d rather we tear up the league, not the town, Marchy.”
“We can do both, bro! They're not mutually exclusive.”
Marchand introduces to the guys he doesn't knew, like Hitch and Baker who seem to idolize Tyler.
“Duuuude! I can't believe we're gonna play with you!” Hitch says to him hugging him, “I mean, we’re probably not gonna play in the same line but still, I'm so excited!”
“Please excuse my friend, Mr. Seguin,” Baker adds solemnly, “He’s got a very bubbly personality.”
“Not a problem, Baker. And please don't call me Mr. Seguin, I'm not that much older than you,” Tyler replies.
“That's what I told him! But Baker is a total weirdo, dude. You’ll get used to it,” Hitch says and then starts a wrestling match against the other rookie. Tyler decides that he likes them and wants to help them out or mentor them, maybe. He used to do it in Dallas, it makes sense to keep it up here even if he's not really in a leadership position anymore.
Speaking of leadership, towards the end of the night, Patrice Bergeron approaches him. “Can we talk, Tyler?”
“Sure, Bergy. What’s up?”
“I'm worried about you. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to have you back and all. The trade was never something I wanted. But it seemed to work for you, you seemed happy.”
“I was. I still am. I don't understand what you're worried about.”
“Are you happy, though? Why would you leave Dallas if it was working out so well?”
“I'm feeling pretty great. Really, there's nothing for you to stress over.”
Bergy is not convinced. “I just don't get why you would abandon the Stars. It's not like we're a better team.” It’s true. The Bruins missed the playoffs last season and didn’t make it that far the season before that.
“I knocked up my ex-girlfriend before we broke up. She lives here so I got to be near my kid. That's why I left Dallas,” Tyler says. He is terrified of being a parent but he’s glad that it provides him with a good excuse for returning to Boston. It's easier to understand than the stupid unrequited love he feels for his former captain.
“Oh, I didn't know you were going to be a father. Congratulations, Tyler!” Patrice says and wraps him up in a hug, “If you need any parenting tips, don't hesitate to ask me.”
Tyler does actually ask for some advice and it seems to do the trick because Bergy drops the issue.
Training camp and preseason go by in a blur and suddenly it's October and it's time for the home opening, plus Rachel’s due date. He's never been more anxious.
Their first game is against the Blackhawks and they win. He gets a goal and two assists so he knows he's played well. However, he can't shake the feeling of… incompleteness. He's played without Jamie before and he did just fine. But knowing he's never going to play with him again, never going to give him a pass, never hug him in the celly, never going to do their stupid bro jump ever again, it's wrecking Tyler. He's simply not enjoying hockey as much as he used to.
Marchand, who’s not as emotionally dense as he may appear, eventually takes notice of Tyler's grim mood.
“Alright, what's up with you? When Bergy said was worried I thought he was being paranoid but he was right. Something happened to you,” Marchand corners him after practice.
“Nothing happened to me. I'm fine,” Tyler replies, annoyed that this is coming up again.
“Yeah, you're fine but you used to be ecstatic, high on life even.”
“Am I not leading the league in points? If I'm as depressed as you claim, then it's definitely not affecting my game.”
“Well, no. You're playing pretty great but-”
“Then what's the issue? Why the hell are you so worried?” Tyler snaps, cutting him off.
“Because you're a shadow of yourself! You used to smile all the time, Tyler, and now when you do it's fake as hell. I care about you, man. Just tell me what happened.”
“Nothing happened, alright?! Just drop it, Brad!”
“Did Benn do something to you? Is that why you left the Stars?”
“He didn't do anything. Benn has nothing to do with it,” Tyler lies through his teeth and hopes Marchy can't read him.
“You haven't mentioned him once since you came back, you know,” Marchand says, “After the trade, when we started talking again, you wouldn't shut up about him. All you kept blabbing about was Jamie Benn and how great he was and how much you liked him. At first I thought you wanted rub it in my face, wanted me to know that the trade turned out great for you. But later I realized it wasn't that. You just wanted to talk about Benn.”
“I don't know what your point is but you should-”
“Drop it? Not gonna happen, bro,” Marchand interrupts him, “Look, I know you're not straight, okay? I saw you leave bars with dudes sometimes. I never said anything cause I know I'm not your type. Benn on the other hand…”
“I still don't get what your theory is,” Tyler says, nervous that Marchand is close to figuring it out.
“I know he married some chick back in June. And you were noticeably absent from the wedding pictures. So… my theory is that you and Benn used to bang until he dumped you for that chick, because he is an idiot, obviously. And then you left the team cause you were heartbroken and cause you are also an idiot.”
“You're wrong, Jamie and I weren't sleeping together.” Tyler turns around to walk away so Marchand can't read his face.
“But you were in love with him, weren't you?” He grabs Tyler’s arm to stop him from leaving, “Tyler… talking about this will help you. Just get it out of your system.”
The only person who knows about Tyler's feelings for Jamie is Rachel and it seems disrespectful to talk too much about it with her. It's the reason they broke up, after all. Marchand is one of his closest friends. He's known about Tyler's lack of heterosexuality for years and hasn't outed him yet. Therefore, Tyler thinks that he can trust him.
“You can't tell a soul about this,” Tyler says to him. Marchand nods effusively in response and Tyler tells him everything. He tells him about loving Jamie since his first year in Dallas. He explains how at times it looked like Jamie felt something for him too. It almost felt like they were heading towards something. But then Tyler screwed it up by sleeping through his alarm and getting scratched for Jamie’s Art Ross game. Jamie was very upset after that and they didn't talk at all during that summer. Summer of 2015 is when it all went to hell. While Tyler was busy partying his ass off in Europe, Jamie got himself a girlfriend and everything changed after that.
“So you left the team because you told him how you felt and he didn't take it well?” Brad asks him, narrowing his eyes, probably already planning something against Jamie.
“No, I never told him. In fact, I left the team to avoid confessing my feelings and ruining everything in the process.”
“But you're not friends anymore, right? He probably didn't like it when you signed with us.”
“He took it horribly. I’ve never seen him so angry,” Tyler says, “He called me a selfish dick and said I was going to be a terrible father.”
“Jesus… what a jerk. I guess he made it easier for you to get over him.”
“I wish, bro,” he sighs, “The truth is I miss him like crazy. I feel… empty is the best word for it, I guess.”
“Well, you shouldn't miss him. He's an idiot and he doesn't deserve you. You're better than that blonde chick and he's blind not to see that,” Marchand says putting a hand on his shoulder.
“Thanks, man. And thanks for listening. You were right, it did help me feel a little better.”
“Anytime, Seggy. What you need is some good rebound sex. I'm sure that you remember I'm the greatest wingman of all time. Why don't we go out and find you a nice guy or lady to spend the night with?”
“You make it sound so gross, dude,” Tyler says smiling, “It would have to be before Rachel gives birth though.”
“Are you kidding me, bro? Women love babies, the dad thing is serious turn on. Maybe gay dudes dig it, you never know.”
Tyler bursts out laughing and can't help being grateful that he's got a friend like Marchy. He might be a shadow of himself right now but with time he'll get back to normal. Hopefully.
About a week later, Rachel’s water breaks. After a few hours in the OR, a nurse hands Tyler his baby. It's a girl that they decide to name Audrey, after Rachel’s grandmother. He holds the baby in his arms and she stares back at him. She's got blue eyes and her ears are a little too big and yeah, there's no doubt in his mind that she is his daughter. She holds his index finger with her tiny hand and for the first time in forever, Tyler feels complete.