Work Text:
Dear Diary
10/04/26
Dear Diary,
It’s me, Basil. Again.
Lately, I've been having more consistent disturbing thoughts. You see, it’s been a week since Dawson and I became official. I hate him. I hate him so much. I hate his sweet smile. I hate his beautiful eyes. I hate the fact that he's so kind. I hate that he makes me feel safe and provides comfort. I hate that I'm slowly becoming comfortable. He’s going to leave me. I know he is. They always leave.
Yesterday was awful. I got lost in my mind and I couldn't switch off; I was pacing and spiraling as usual. He wasn't supposed to be home, and I hadn't registered his presence. I was stupid, I wasn't careful, I was in such a state, and he saw it. But he wasn't disgusted.
“Basil, are you okay? What's wrong?” Dawson's voice was steady, as he calmly took Basil by the shoulders, his eyes full of concern.
I hate him.
He's going to leave me and I'll be alone again.
He told me I was safe, and he asked me to look at him. I didn't believe him. My mind was far too loud. But I actually met his eyes.
“Can't. It’s too much; it's too loud. I can't handle it I can't I can’t I—”
“Hey, hey, it's okay. You're ok. You're safe with me.”
God, his voice was so soft. And he promised me that I'd be safe. Safety wasn't something that was given to me as a child. Safety is so rare. I desperately need it, and I desperately want to believe it. But my heart is too shattered and my head is too alone.
“Basil, it's ok. You're not alone.”
I couldn't stop myself. Tears finally leaked out of my eyes. It was too much, it was all too much, my heart was breaking, and it was all too much. I wanted to believe him. I needed to. But what if he left?
“Oh, Basil. I'm here.”
I finally let myself be pulled into a hug as my composure finally, fully, broke.
“I'm sorry.” *sob* “I'm so sorry.”
“Shhh. Shhh. It’s okay, love, it's all okay. You’re safe. I'm here. You’re not alone anymore.”
God…I hate him. When he leaves, it will destroy me.
.・✫・゜・。.
Dawson and I started cooking together. It was nice. I‘m starting to think that he may actually stay.
.・✫・゜・。.
10/05/26
Dear Diary,
Basil again.
Dawson is, unfortunately, displeased with me. He hasn't talked to me in two days and the silence is driving me INSANE. It wasn't even my fault this time...
The other day I woke up feeling empty and bored. I had two options, either scroll online and buy something that would cheer me up or … relapse.
I wanted to try and stay clean, so I went online and ordered myself another chemistry set and a typewriter for an experiment. I was excited, and the thought of receiving a present seemed to dull the emptiness enough for me to actually climb out of bed.
It arrived approximately 2 days ago. Dawson glared at me, rolling his eyes.
He said it was another useless package , shook his head, and glared at the pile of unopened packages that currently sat on the table. “Are you actually going to open this one?” he asked me.
I could obviously tell that he was disappointed in me. My shoulders sank as I looked down. I lost any interest in the package. I didn’t need a chemistry set and I no longer wanted a typewriter.
My eyes quickly scanned the other packages with mild curiosity; I no longer remembered the contents of them. I just knew that I needed them at the time, but I have no interest in them now.
“Well?” Dawson bit his lip trying to contain his anger.
“I currently have no interest in it. I am sorry.”
“Of course you don't.” Dawson shook his head, clearly annoyed. He put the package on top of the rest and took his hat off in agitation. “Honestly, Basil. I don't know what to do with you.”
I couldn't look at him anymore. I had made him upset, my poor, dear, dear Dawson. Next time, I'd send the packages to my brother's address. He didn't get disappointed anymore. He’d just look at me and lightly shake his head.
.・✫・゜・。.
10/09/26
Dear Diary,
Dawson and I were at the park together. We were watching the humans feed the ducks, while trying not to be spotted ourselves. Ducks can be rather aggressive at times. We both learned that the hard way, when an aggressive male chased us all the way home.
It was nice, being by my sweet boyfriend’s side, and carefully appreciating the way that the sunrays caught his eyes, making them glisten in the morning light. It was wonderful. Magically, even.
Dawson turned to me, and all was right in the world as he placed a gentle kiss on my cheek. He was so slow, so gentle, that it drove me completely mad. I returned the kiss, on the lips this time, hungry, and desperate. Dawson is my only connection to the outside world. I'd die if he ever left.
.・✫・゜・。.
I was pacing around the apartment once again, moaning about how much of a waste the day had been. My tail swung in every direction as it desperately tried to keep up with the speed of my brain.
Dawson came from the room next door, disappointment written all over his face. He said he thought that today was rather special. He was quiet and his ears slowly drooped down. Obviously in distress. It was annoying. Great. I shook my head and then I spat back in anger, asking him why today was special.
“Because today was our first kiss...”
“And? I need a case!” I yelled, causing Dawson to step back.
“But … but …”
“What does having our first kiss have to do with anything!?!”
Dawson shook his head and walked away.
My ears fell too, as I watched him leave. I was so confused.
.・✫・゜・。.
10/11/26
Dear Diary,
Dawson and I were on a case, everything was fine until he almost collapsed. He insisted that he was ok, but the poor fellow could hardly walk, so I had to drag him home.
For a doctor, he's rather dumb. He refused my attempts to aid him, refused chicken soup, and even seemed embarrassed when I continued to fuss over him. I got so desperate that I had to try a different approach. I had to sweet talk.
“Dawson, my love, you're sick— and if anything happens to you I won't be able to finish the case.”
I attempted to try and soothe him with a sweet smile, but his face fell and he looked away, upset.
“Dawson, I'm serious. I need you to get better so that we can finish the case.”
“Got it. That’s all that matters. The game.”
I tilted my head as my boyfriend tried to hide the tears in his eyes. I'm not good with emotions. I was so confused, so I decided to actually make him some chicken soup.
His ears fell as I left. I may have made the wrong choice and will make it up to him with a film.
.・✫・゜・。.
I am a fool. I don't deserve this, I don't deserve Dawson. I don't deserve anything good. I'm a fool. I am alone. He left me. I'll always be alone.
We had an argument. A stupid argument. We were watching a film and Dawson was sitting next to me, and he was loudly chewing his popcorn, and the movie was too loud, and the popcorn was too smelly, and I screamed at him. God, I don't even remember what I said, but he left crying.
I've been spamming his number since, but he said that he needed space god I've ruined it he's gone I'm alone.
I'm currently writing this as I sob alone on the sofa. I'm vile, I'm weak. I was always meant to be alone. I can't handle this right now. I'm going to relapse.
.・✫・゜・。.
10/12/26
Dear Diary,
He came back…later in the day, he came back and he found me. He cleaned me up and we talked.
During our argument, I called him “stupid” and claimed that I could solve cases without him. Which is obviously untrue. We talked.
We both got our thoughts out in the open. He calmed down and said that sometimes he doesn't think that I truly love him…and that all I care about is “the game”. He's worried that one day I'd replace him because he's not smart enough. “Not enough.” That obviously broke my heart. Because he is, and always has been, enough.
I explained how I was afraid that he'd leave me, that I, logically, couldn't find a reason for him to stay. That broke his heart too. We both agreed that I need mental help. And that we should both receive relationship advice.
I'll update when we do…but, for now, I believe that we'll be ok.