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Walking through the forest like this always filled him with a sense of dread, the sudden rustling of the leaves, a sudden crack of a branch, the slight howl of the wind when it passed between trees as if begging him to approach.
The sudden feeling of teeth ripping into his flesh made him nauseous, but that's an old story for him, after all is not like he isn’t used to it by now.
He avoids the cold like the plague when before he loved snow and playing in it.
He freezes at the sight of stairs even if it’s embarrassing and pathetic.
He can’t touch even the slightest bit of fur without almost having a heart attack when before he was the proudest fur connoisseur this world has ever seen.
And the most embarrassing, he flinches at loud noises now, everything that could potentially resemble an explosion or a loud shout, he cannot help himself, he learned to mask it, but on the inside he’s still a scared pathetic man, well if could even call himself a man.
Quite the awful situation indeed, life has not been kind to Natsuki Subaru, not this one and definitely not his other ones.
Not letting those dark thoughts persist any more than he should Subaru gathered his determination and continued forward.
All in all it was a beautiful day, the sky clear of any clouds, sunny but not overly hot and a slight breeze flowing through his hair making it a perfect day for training.
Hah, the thought made him smile a bit, all the dam training in the world and he would still accomplish the worthwhile achievement of being weaker than a thirteen year old girl with basic training, the thought stings, but whatever else is new.
He will still train, to at least get his mind of things and possibly help him get through the following days without breaking something out of frustration.
Today Natsuki Subaru will be in exemplary shape, but first he has to accomplish the goal he set up for himself and the reason he’s walking through this dam forest in the first dam place.
After a couple more minutes of walking he steps into a clearing, the view breathtaking no matter how many times he’s seen it. A field of flowers of a multitude of colors stretches across the landscape perfectly kissed by the rays of the sun, butterflies and bees happily flying from flower to flower peacefully savoring the nectar inside. Apparently this field is a favorite place for spirits and because of their abundance and mana they bring the field has blooming flowers all year around, such is the miracle of magic Subaru supposed.
A horror vision of the earth suddenly erupting and a disgusting looking Oiran Bear sprouts from the ground ready to devour the fool who was dumb enough to fall for its trap.
Subaru shakes his head and as soon as the vision came it disappeared, think proudly of yourself PTSD for today is the day that you almost caught captain Natsuki Subaru.
Subaru patted himself on the shoulder for the amazing reference only he will ever understand and without further delay he started picking up flowers.
One red, one yellow, one pure white, he gathered them into a decent looking bouquet without looking for a dominant color, his mother would scold him, unfortunately for him, his mother’s voice will be probably one of the things he will only hear in what was left of his memories of her, which shamefully of him aren’t many left inside his mind.
Nope, today wasn’t about color or fitting aesthetic, it was about number, carefully Subaru counted the flowers in his head making sure their numbers weren’t odd. Satisfied with the result he began breaking the stems so that the flowers would be at the roughly same length, after that was done he tied the improvised bouquet with a string and tightened it with his teeth.
“Not too bad if I can say so myself” he lifted himself off the rather comfortable grass and made his way through the field his hands brushing against the flowers as he passed them by, carefully not to damage the bouquet he worked so hard to create he advanced slowly but surely onward.
The longer he walked the tenser he became, his legs almost hesitating to push him forward, understandably to a degree, after all the human body often tries to intervene when the mind wants to do something self destructive like this, but as always the body follows the mind so Subaru kept his legs moving, closer and closer to his target.
He arrived at the margins of the flower field, where an imposing tree spread his branches towards the sky as if challenging it to a duel, under the shade of this three, at the base of it massive trunk was a grave stone.
The moment Subaru saw it tears started biting at his eyes, he pushed them back with anger, this was not the time to cry, so he pushed forward in his stubborn Natsuki way.
Reaching the grave stone he noticed other bouquets from his past visits, his eyes darkened a little seeing as most of them were wilted or beginning to wilt, he should probably bring a vase or something, but that would carry suspicion, and suspicion was the last thing he wanted currently.
“Natsuki Subaru present for duty and to keep you company, sorry for not coming yesterday, it takes me longer to find free time lately” he says with what generously can be called cheerfulness. “Hope you weren’t lonely without me.”
His own words made him cringe but he kept those thoughts to himself and started carefully cleaning the grave with gentle movements, gathering the wilted bouquets, brushing away the leaves and using a rag he stole from the closet, sorry Frederica, to clean the dust and grime that accumulated on the stone.
His thoughts ran a little back to the time he started doing this almost three months ago, after about two years of constant work the Roswaal Manor was finally rebuilt after being set on fire and blown to bits after the events of the sanctuary, a slight tremor overtook his body when he remembered that whole fiasco. So when their former home got rebuilt the Emilia camp unanimously agreed to move back to their original location and leave the Miload Mansion behind, much to the disagreement of Annerose who cried when Emilia said they had to leave, of course she offered to let only her stay and the rest leave, dam brat playing favorites.
He wasn’t really surprised when he came back and realized he did not miss the place, quite the opposite in fact, Subaru would count himself lucky if he hadn’t needed to step foot in the dam mansion ever again, unfortunately for him though lady luck never quite liked him so it took a piss on his desires and wishes like it always fucking did.
After the camp settled back in and every member received a room, Roswaal proposed a small party to celebrate their return to their former roots, Subaru genuinely didn’t understand what was there to celebrate and why they had to commemorate their relocation with a ceremony, unfortunately his thoughts weren’t shared by the rest of his friends, each one more willing to spend a night partying than relaxing, to each their own he guessed.
During the whole event, Otto got so drunk he had to be carried into his room by Frederica that suspiciously didn’t return after that, bravo Otto, 100 points to you, at least someone’s love life is actually advancing somewhere compared to his own.
After everyone was either bused or straight up drunk Subaru decided he doesn’t want to be there anymore and shooing Beako to go have some fun he left the mansion and took a stroll around the forest, he made sure to carry a protective gem with him so that he wouldn’t attract any company, the large teeth that want to eat you type of company. He walked for about an hour without much of a direction when he finally stumbled into the field he’s currently in, he completely forgot about the place at that time, here he had his first date with Emilia and what a date it was, him stumbling over his words like a monkey trying to learn math while Emilia talked his ear off about the spirits and how much she enjoyed the snow festival. Subaru has many regrets and the fact that he came with the idea for that fucking festival was one of his much smaller regrets but still a regret. Each time Petra begs him to organize another he has to literally invent new lies to justify it not happening, he would rather fight Julius while stripped naked than willingly interact with snow ever again.
It has been years, between the time at the Miload mansion and his time in Vollachia plus the time only he remembered it has been so long he saw this beautiful little place that a more innocent version of him took his crush on a innocent little date that ended up going absolutely nowhere. He remembers at the time it had filled him with a weird warmth, that no matter how many years passed or how many retries he went through some places like this will still remain the same way he remembered them, it made him cry for a few minutes.
But then he remembered Emilia’s words.
‘This place is reeeeeeally special for spirits you know? They come here to talk amongst themselves about times long past, is as if they come here to mourn, it’s sad but also very beautiful, don’t you think so too, Subaru?’ she told him with that big smile of hers that was filled with hope and innocence and of course he agreed even though he understood like half of it, how the fuck could you tell if a lesser spirit is mourning? Beats him, when he asked he got a very detailed explanation that could have been summarized in a sentence ‘I have no fucking idea that's just what my gut tells me’ , so he moved on, happy to enjoy what in his head was the perfect date, how wrong and dumb he was.
But just when he was about to leave the field behind and go see how many of his companions were still awake or at least conscious enough to still have a conversation with a sudden shine in the corner of his eye made him stop. There in the middle of the field surrounded by small shiny dots that resembled the lesser spirits was a small and delicate blue flower, it wasn’t the most beautiful or striking flower in the whole wide world, quite the opposite, it was actually pretty unassuming and the spirits probably weren’t even circling it on purpose but because of it’s position in the middle of the field.
Subaru stayed there for a couple seconds and then went to pick up the flower, picking it up from the ground and smelling it, it didn’t have any particular scent, it just smelled like wet dirt and yet for him it awakened memories from a much simpler time, from a very long time ago, well at least to him.
‘Huh’ he found himself saying when noticing the imposing tree he missed seeing during his past activity in this place. ‘A place of mourning right?’ his voice was low but steadier than he expected.
The following week he would find time in his busy schedule when nobody would pay too much attention to him or when the more observant members of the camp were busy, he would also use Petra to stall Beako so she wouldn’t get suspicious, sorry Beako but I don’t want anybody to know I am doing this, not even you.
Finding a stone large and sturdy enough to make a good grave stone was hard, carrying in the middle of the forest was even harder. He thought about getting his trusty companion Patrasche to help him carry it but immediately dropped the idea fearing that his trusty ground dragon will accidentally say something about their activities too close to Otto’s ears, this was already very risky with having to sneak by the people in the mansion let alone the animals, so he just continued carrying on his own.
It took him four days to carry it in the field and then under the three, he cursed his weakness with a bitter laugh, even after all this time and he cannot even carry a fucking rock, it did wonderful things to his already non existent self esteem.
More than once Subaru asked himself what the fuck he was doing? Cause this is genuinely one of the most insane and without logic thing he did…… ok maybe not the most but still up there. But each time he told himself to drop it, act like a normal person and leave this idea behind the flower appeared in his mind, small and forgettable, the kind of flower that if given to a loved one you wouldn’t receive too much of a reaction from them. A flower only he seemed to care about, a memory of something only he remembered. Each time Subaru carried on, even though he knew that if he was spotted he wouldn’t have any explanation satisfactory enough to give for doing this insane act, but still he pushed onward.
Four days to carry it, two days to carve a message in it, Subaru wasn’t a sculptor, far from it, the hammer an the chisel he stole from the tool barn in the garden, sorry Frederica, trembled in his hands while he carefully carved the words he wanted in the stone, it came out decent, rough around the corners and a little crooked but decent. He thought long and hard about what the fuck to put on it, what do you even put on a grave stone he found himself wondering, is so ironic that him of all people never wondered what would be best put on a grave stone, the morbid humor making him chuckle a little, so he just settled for a certain line that he held close to his heart, the line meant so much to him and was garbage for anyone else, just like this whole secret operation of his, just like this very grave he spent a week of his life making, so yeah the line fits like a glove for it.
On the seventh day Subaru held a ceremony, it was the most deplorable and sad thing he saw and he genuinely contemplated if he should probably ask a priest what the hell a funeral should even look like, he went to one when he was little, but it was so long ago he didn’t remember much, he just remembered being sad, and the people around him and his parents were sad, he didn’t understood why he wouldn’t be seeing his grandpa anymore, after all he was just there, sleeping. His mother shushed him and said he will understand when he’s older, now he’s older and he understands, now he sees why the people there were sad, he was very sad right about now.
So Subaru improvised, he was good at that at least, he gathered flowers and almost covered the grave in flowers, he stole some incense, fuck you Roswaal, and lit it in front of the grave and then he said some words, he spent a full hour talking, about happy memories, about sad memories, about the many times this wonderful person saved him, but also about the times they hurt him, but he forgives them, they can rest in peace, for he doesn’t hate them at all, quite the opposite, Subaru misses them so much, their smile, voice, antics, compliments, insults, face and love, ohhh how he missed their love.
Natsuki Subaru spent one hour talking and three crying, sobs so loud and ugly he is surprised no one heard him, he hugged the grave as if it would somehow transform into the person he lost and never see again, he shouted, cried, begged, threatened, promised and cried again for them to come back, his answer was silence, a silence he was so used to.
Subaru left that day when night fell over the field and masterfully lied that he was just out at his parkour ground maintaining himself in shape, he got a laugh, encouragement and a scolding in response, but not a single raised eyebrow or a suspicious look, after all why would he lie about something like that?
Subaru made a vow to come at least twice a week to clean and take care of the grave, one of the only promises he managed to not break.
Back to the present Subaru finished cleaning the stone and smiled to himself a little. “Good as new, hope you like the new look, maybe I’ll bring some polish next time, I have no idea if you can even polish stone with materials in this world but I will surely try.”
The wind blowing through the tree’s leaves was his only answer.
“Things this week haven’t gone the best unfortunately, but there are some positives” Subaru continued laying on his back near the grave and looking up at the sky from between the branches obscuring his view “I beat my own record at completing the parkour field like I wanted, pretty decent for a guy like me am I right?”
He decided to just lay there for a moment not saying anything, the silence of this place was comforting, a good place to rest, it was unfortunate to be a final resting place but he was complicating the situation.
“I got into a fight with Neesa- Ram some days ago, it was pretty nasty, this time it wasn’t my fault, well if you ask her you would hear a different story” the small sneer that appeared on his face was impossible to prevent but it didn’t last for long. “She got on my ass for my ‘attitude’ this past few weeks and how I was behaving like a child, if I couldn’t control my own emotions then how can I call myself a knight and then told to fix myself immediately”
Subaru let out a dry laugh and look towards the grave stone with a smile that didn’t reach his eyes.
“The irony huh? Nee- Ram telling me to fix my attitude, normally I would have taken the insult in stride, like I always do, what she definitely didn’t expect is for me to bite back and tell her to mind her own dam business for once.” Laying his head back down he continued “She took that as well as you probably expect it, after all who knows Ram better than you?”
Subaru took a rock and threw it at the branch of the three scaring a bird that flies away with indignant sounds. Subaru feels a little sorry for that.
“So she doubled down, I did as well and before I knew it we were screaming at each other in the hallway with insults that friends probably shouldn’t say to one another even if they don’t mean it.” Subaru rolled his eyes, still very much annoyed about the whole situation. “I know that if you were there you could’ve stopped us with only a few words, I know you’re amazing like that.”
Still no response, that's fine, he stopped waiting for one years ago.
“And then I say something I probably shouldn’t have said, I told her that her moments of morality don’t fail to surprise, that she would let countless innocents and her own sister die if Roswaal said so but when I act suspiciously is suddenly her duty to correct me, truly what a kind and attentive Nee-sama I have”. Subaru laughed again, there was no humor in that laugh. “The small flash of hurt that passed over Ram’s face almost made me apologize, what she did next made me not regret what I said whatsoever.”
Subaru brushed his hand against his cheek the sneer of annoyance returned ok his face and this time it will take way more to make it go away.
“Ram slapped me, after that she started talking again but I couldn’t hear her, my head was ringing, if it was from anger or from the slap I didn’t know, so I punched her back and then the proper ‘fight’ started.” He made sure to put the proper quotation on the word fight, cause it wasn’t a fight whatsoever. “Well if you can call Ram whipping the floor with me a fight then yeah it was a very close fight, what I am proud about is that when Garfiel, Otto and Emilia jumped to break us apart Ram’s nose was bloody, I have no idea how I did it but I whipped that arrogant smile off her face for at least some time, the broken ribs, dislocated shoulder and black eye were more than worth it!”
Subaru stood up in his popular pose pointing a finger towards the sky while having a hand on his hip, he heard that some kids in Priestella are doing this pose when their playing heroes, well at least he had some fans.
“Me and her are still not talking and Garfiel is still mad at me for that, poor dude, I understand him completely, I hurt the woman that he loves, unfortunately for him that affection will result into absolutely nothing, I know a few things about that.” He laid back down with a hand behind his head so he could be comfortable “Emilia scolded me for a dam hour, telling me that what I did wasn’t nice at all and encouraged me to go apologize because me and Ram are friends so we shouldn’t fight with each other.”
Subaru laughed a little, it was a little funny when you think about it.
“Yeah like usual, I am the one getting slapped and I have to apologize, dam I love this world’s democracy, such a pleasant experience. As for the friends part, to be honest, I’ll tell you a little secret, I doubt me and Ram are friends, actually I don’t think we ever were friends, since coming to the mansion our relationship was basically just banter and that's it, I thought we were close and that she was just tsundere or something, we worked pretty well together at the tower but not without hindrance and then I came back from Vollachia and she didn’t talk to me if she strictly didn’t have to for months now, welp guess she already got what she wanted out of me and now I am back to being the man with a good timing, I fucking hate that choice of words to describe me so fucking much.”
Subaru grabbed a fist full of dirt and threw it at the wind with anger, it dissipated in a few seconds and all that he managed to do was get his hand dirty, Subaru sighed and stood up this time sitting in front of the grave and looking at the inscription with a sad look on his face.
“I don’t know what to do with myself, for now I got a little time to breathe but I can feel the next round of bullshit is just around the corner, I am so tired.” He pressed his head on the stone gently, careful not to damage anything “I have the others around me, I have friends, I have Beako, I have Emilia and yet I feel so dam lonely is driving me insane, I miss you so much, even though is insane, even though everyone would call me a madman if they knew what I was doing I would never hear the end of it, but I don’t care!”
“I promised you that I will save you, that I would keep you in my arms as someone who is dear to me, I even wanted to to grab your hand and go with you, but I didn’t and now you’re gone and I seem to be the only one that gives a fuck about that! I did everything, everything I could to get you back, I went to the dam tower, I fought the witch cult, I survived that dam forsaken empire of the wolves and I still didn’t accomplish anything.” He was crying, sobbing loudly and ugly but he couldn’t stop his words “This world took so much from me, I gave it even more just so I could experience happiness at least for some time, but every time I actually got something I wanted it was warped in ways that I didn’t even recognize, I hate it! So much, and I- I- I…… I just wish to hear you one more time, to say that I am doing my best, to tell me to get up, that you have my back and to laugh together like we promised.”
He tried to wipe away the tears and snot so just maybe he would for once not look like a dumbass, but they kept coming uncaring for his wishes, like everything fucking else.
“So please, just once, this one time please say something and then you can be silent for all eternity, please just one word, anything you want, I could even settle for a joke, I might even laugh at it like we used to, please…. for me…. I know you already did so much for me, but I am greedy, so please just a word for your hero” Subaru hugged the grave stone like a life line begging for any sign from whatever god that was not laughing his ass at him at the moment, he just wanted one word, nothing more.
But of course nothing came, Subaru kept on crying, what else could he do besides cry like a baby, it took him a long time to get himself under control, too much time that it should have, he sad in front of the grave his eyes downcast, he really couldn’t have anything in this worl-
“Subaru.” The voice breaks him out of his trance and makes his head almost do an 180 degrees turn when he hears the familiar sound, but the tone accompanied by the blank and visibly disappointed face that he sees when turning around makes him loose all excitement. “So this is where you run off to lately.”
The voice belongs to a woman dressed like a maid with blue hair and only one eye visible, to anyone with functioning eyes she was very beautiful and her figure was nothing to scoff at, she was the perfect image of a stern maid ready to deliver vengeance on anyone that she believed was deserving of it and at the moment it was him.
‘Rem’ has somehow found him, great, exactly what he fucking needed, he hoped this interaction wouldn’t end like the one with Ram, he really didn’t want to dirty this place with his blood.
“You disappear without saying anything to anyone, coming in the middle of the forest and letting everyone worry about your unworthy person, what do you have to say for yourself?” she asks in that condescending tone of hers making Subaru’s teeth grind in annoyance, that's now how that voice should sound.
“Can’t a guy go for a walk? How did you even find me?” Subaru answered back not bothering to get up to look at her.
“If you call leaving in the middle of the day when there’s still work to be done a walk then Rem worries about your sense of duty.” ‘Rem’ answered him with her visible eye narrowing at him. “As for how Rem found you Spica sensed you leaving the mansion and Meili announced us that you were in the forest with some wolgarms following your trail, with that it wasn’t too hard to smell you, plus your abilities to conceal your presence are close to nonexistent so Rem does not understand your surprise.”
Her displeasure couldn’t be more evident and the way she is talking is pissing him off, that way of talking isn’t fit for her.
“Yeah yeah I apologize for the inconvenience, I’ll clean the toilets so I lift some work off your shoulders, now can we go back?” he asked annoyed that his tender moment was interrupted.
“Rem believes that's the least you can do.” she says and then looks at the grave Subaru is standing next to, after a couple seconds she looks back at him with a suspicious gaze. “Will you tell Rem about what exactly is that you are doing or does Rem needs to force it out of you?”
Her wording makes a shiver run down his spine. ‘Hands around his throat not letting him breathe, not letting him explain, chocking him, killing hi-‘ Subaru shakes his head before the memory could affect him further, he looks at ‘Rem’ with a blank expression.
“Not that it’s any of your business, but I come here to remember a person dear to me, sorry if I didn’t shout it from the top of the mansion like I was supposed to, is that a satisfactory response for you or you have to go get your tools?” Subaru asks animosity basically spilling from his words as he wants to be done with this whole conversation and with her.
“Rem believes that you should think more before talking Subaru, why would Rem dirty her hands in such a way? Rem is a lady after all.” The way she flicked her hair was so much like Ram it made him want to puke. “But nevertheless Rem doesn’t see a reason for not telling anyone that you’re coming here since apparently you don’t have anything to hide, Rem believ-“
“I don’t care what you believe, I am entitled to my own privacy and if you tell anyone about this place then our deal with me putting up with Loui- Spica, whatever, flies out the window in the next second, did I make myself clear enough or you need it in writing?” he’s almost shouting and his anger is rising more and more, he has a hard time controlling it lately, but whatever, he won’t let everyone find out about this place, never.
‘Rem’ almost looks taken aback, her eye widening at him for a second before filling with annoyance, for some reason Spica loves him, he knows Od is laughing his ass off when doing this shit, Subaru however wants nothing to do with the gremlin, it doesn’t matter how she helped him in Vollachia, every time she sees her smile he’s reminded of the dam archbishop of the tower that made his life hell, so each time Spica would hug him or want to play with him it usually ended up with him saying she’s a pest and to screw off, this of course made poor innocent Spica cry and of course that mare ‘Rem’ angry. ‘Rem’ tried to ‘convince’ Subaru to be nicer to Spica and by convincing he meant physically convince him, when that didn’t work she was at the end of her wits she proposed a deal to Subaru, be kinder to Spica and I will be kinder to you. His dumbass said yes immediately, what did he get in exchange? Having to play with the dam gremlin daily and pretend he likes her and a blue colored Ram that speaks to him in the same manner that Ram does, welp at least she’s not going face first into danger forcing him to go and save her…… multiple times.
“Rem understands.” she might say that but her gritted teeth say another story. “Rem will not say anything.”
“Good.” Subaru left the bouquet near the gravestone and got up to brush his pants clean of dirt.
“I heard that you had a fight with Nee-sama.” her voice getting a little more cold “Was it because of Rem?”
“No matter what my answer is you would still blame me so just go ahead and do that and leave me alone, I don’t want to talk about it.” without wanting to continue the conversation he started walking forward passing by ‘Rem’ and heading back towards the mansion.
“Subaru.”
The tone of her voice made him stop, she wasn’t looking at him, she was looking at the grave, Subaru did see the irony of the situation, but he couldn’t really comment on it without compromising himself so he just waited for her to continue.
“You said that somebody that is dear to you is here.” her voice sounded strained as if she was forcing herself to talk “Could you tell Rem who it is?”
Subaru looked at her and his face becomes blank once again, he turns his head staring at the field, he didn’t want to look at her, especially not now.
“Somebody you will never know, somebody that I loved, somebody that is long gone.” he says and not caring for ‘Rem’s’ answer Subaru starts walking towards the mansion, it was a good day for training anyway.
‘Rem’ is left there, looking at the grave with confusion and annoyance, she tries to read the inscription on the stone but she cannot make out the words no matter how much she tries, if she could read them her reaction will definitely be different, but since she cannot she will never know the words written in stone by a boy with a broken heart, ‘Rem’ leaves and promises herself to never step foot in that field ever again.
The grave is left alone, as if waiting for Subaru’s next visit, patiently standing in the field of flowers, the inscription on it having only one name and a single line:
‘Rem, Fanatical like an Oni.”