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Liam shines so bright bright bright to Zayn and he doesn't know it.
He doesn't realize how Zayn will reach for him when he's sad, or when Zayn stares at him with a soft smile on his lips. Zayn wishes he could show him, wishes he could just show Liam what's going on inside his head so he could finally understand.
They're sitting at an interview when Zayn realizes he has to tell him soon. But thats a huge risk Zayn. That's a tad bit jeopardizing and you know it.
Its in the after party at the Brits when Zayn actually accepts his problem. He always overlooked the way his heart sped up, or how he felt like Liam makes him feel like he's floating. Liam is sitting on his lap, leaning against his chest, and Zayn is running his hands through Liam's hair. His head is turned into Liam's neck, and breathing in his smell. Aftershave and expensive cologne. Zayn's arm wrap around Liam's front and rest on his forearm. Nobody flinches cause this is normal, for all of them. Technically Liam and Zayn belong to eachother to everyone around them, except no one's ever really said anything. Zayn is tired of having to fake everything off for publicity, its not fair, to him especially. Just to get a higher rankingin the music industry, he's forced to be something that he's not.
They're in a hotel room, Niall went out to some pub, so Liam and Zayn are left alone. Liam fell asleep long ago, but Zayn an't shake the bad feeling in his gut. It's cause he doesn't love you back, Zayn says to himself. He wants to cry about it, but he won't. I'm not a little bitch, I'm not some heart broken baby. He hasn't even thought about how its possible to break my heart like that.
Zayn lifts the covers off of himself, and presses the blankets back onto Liam's back. He stands and walks over to Liam's side of the bed, kneeling down so he can get a better look at younger boy's gorgeous face. He wants to run his hand alongside of Liam's sharp jaw, and press his fingers to Liam's soft plump lips. He stares in awe at the birthmark on Liam's neck, and he gulps, cause Zayn suddenly to run his tongue along the pretty mark. Liam's stubble is dark on his jaw, and shadows over his top lip. Zayn wants to touch and feel and grasp but he just presses his finger to Liam's nose and bops it, with a soft chuckle. Liam crinkles his nose and sniffs, burying his side deeper into the pillow.
Zayn sighs, "If the stars are shining for you, like I think they are, then maybe they'll let me have you one day." He says with a sad smile.
Zayn stands and walks over to his dresser, grabbing his cigs and a lighter. He pads over to the sliding glass door and heads onto the balcony. Zayn pulls out a cigarette and lights it, pressing it between his lips. He takes a deep drag, breathing in the chemicals. He lets the toxins fill up his lungs.
Maybe i'll just burn up from the inside out.
Zayn thinks with a sad smile.
He takes a couple steps towards the balcony, until he jumps up and sits on the edge. Letting his back face the city, and scoffs- he doesn't even know what fucking city he's in. He watches the sky start to change color, the deep blue starting to fade out to pink and purple. The sun is barely peeking over the horizon, like a golden half moon. He pulls out another cig and lights it again. He starts thinking about his life. The money, the fame, the opportunity it began with. If he jumps from the balcony, everyone will remember how selfish he was, people would have died to have the fame that he did.
'I'll just leave a note,' He thinks, then he notices how yellow is taking over the sky now.
Hes going to jump. Point blank, period. He starts to think of everything that is significant in life, (you want to have happy thoughts before you die, right?) He thinks of his mum, and how it'll ruin her. But he knoes that she'd want him dead and happy instead of alive and miserable. Zayn looks out at the city, thinking of Doniya, Waliyha, and Safaa.
I'll never get to see Waliyha and Safaa grow up..
He thinks of the boys. Zayn smiles, happy that atleast Harry and Louis have each other. Their love was easy enough, why don't I deserve that? He thinks of how they'll eventually get married, since its unevitable. Louis is a handful so he wishes Harry the best of luck. He then moves on to Niall. Niall, Niall, Niall. Zayn feels sort of silly, since he's kind of saying goodbye to everyone in his mind.
My adopted son, Zayn thinks.
He lets out a soft laugh at that one. But his smile falters when he realizes Niall will probably be the one to comfort Liam after he's gone.
Liam. Zayn wants to speak out loud for this goodbye, the sun is almost all the way in the sky now. I'll be free soon. Zayn hears a noise behind him but he just ignores, it was probably a bug running to the glass anyway
"This is ridiculous but I'll do it anyway to ease my conscience. I just want to say, dont think this is your fault. It never was, never has, and never will be. This is my fault, my fault that I'm not good enough for you to love me. My fault that that all you wanted me to be was a friend. But don't worry about that. But I just want you to know, I love you. Not like I love the other boys though, I mean I love you. I think I realized it that night when we lost X-Factor. I guess I noticed that if I was going to be losing with anybody, I wanted to lose with you. You were my home away from home. You still are, except soon I won't be needing a home. But you know what they say, home is where the heart is. And my heart will always be with you. Always and forever. I'm changing my mind about writing any of this down cause then I'll have to go back inside to get a pen and paper. If I go back inside, I'll see you then I'll want to stay. But anyway, don't blame it on yourself that you didn't love me back the way I love you-"
"Stop. Zayn please, stop."
Zayn freezes and turns his head slowly, "Liam?"
Liam's eyes are red and puffy, the tip of his nose is red as well. Tears are steadily flowing down his face, cascading off his jaw, and wetting his chest.
"Zayn, please," Liam breaks down into sobs, slowly reaching his hands out towards Zayn. "If you mean anything you just said, you'll get down. And I love you too by the way," Liam has a soft smile on his lips, but he's still crying. "I love you too, I swear I do."
Zayn wipes his face, he didn't even realize he was crying the whole time. "How long have you been standing there?"
Liam sighs looks down, "I woke up without you and came straight out here..then you started talking and I realized what you were doing."
Zayn gazes back out to the horizon, "I could've jumped at any moment."
Liam starts crying harder but takes another step towards Zayn, only about a foot away now. "I wouldn't have let that happen, you know that. Please Zayn, just listen to me," Liam begs.
Zayn gives Liam a sad smile, and shakes his head. "I've always loved you, you just didn't know it. I always will though, okay? Tell everyone im sorry, goodbye love."
Zayn watches the realization settle into Liam's features, then he scoots off the edge. But just when he thinks its over, when he knows its the end, he feels a strong had grip onto his forearm, stopping him from plummeting to the concrete below.
"Jesus Zayn! Please!" Liam screams, he starts heaving Zayn back onto the balcony, lifting him up like a ragdoll.
Zayn just lets his body go limp, and allows Liam to carry him back into the bedroom. The younger man lays him down, and settles into Zayn's side. Their both crying and tear drowned. Liam starts pressing kisses over every piece of Zayn he can reach. He kisses his shoulder, his hand. Works his way up to his neck, than his sharp jaw. He presses kisses to Zayn's eyelids, tears still flowing beneath them. He nips at Zayn's nose then finally, presses a soft lingering kiss onto Zayn's lips. He feels Zayn freeze beneath him but slowly melt into his lips.
"Don't ever try to leave me again, I would've went right behind you over that balcony." Liam says softly.
Zayn takes deep breaths and stares down at Liam, wondering if thats a way to keep him from jumping again, or if its the truth.
Cause either way, he won't be taking that risk of taking Liam down with him.