Work Text:
Butters Stotch loved exactly three things.
Hello Kitty.
Getting paid.
And when people ordered normal pizzas.
Unfortunately, tonight he was only going to get one of those things.
The little bell above Benny’s Pizza rang as Butters stepped back inside, stamping snow off his shoes. The restaurant had only been open for three weeks, squeezed awkwardly between KFC and the South Park laundromat. The walls still smelled like fresh paint, and half the employees still forgot where things went.
Mr. Daniels looked up from the register.
“Stotch! One more delivery.”
Butters froze.
“But gosh, Mr. Daniels, it’s eight forty-five.”
“And?”
“The new Hello Kitty episode starts at nine.”
Mr. Daniels shrugged.
“It’s ten pizzas.”
Butters nearly dropped his insulated delivery bag.
“Ten?!”
“Big order.”
“Well who ordered ten pizzas?”
Mr. Daniels handed him the receipt.
KENNY MCCORMICK.
Butters blinked.
“Kenny?”
He stared at the order.
One anchovy and pineapple.
One pickle sausage.
One triple mushroom.
One extra olive.
One bacon marshmallow.
One spinach and tuna.
One quadruple cheese.
One Hawaiian.
One garlic and sardine.
One everything pizza.
Butters looked up.
“That’s… certainly creative.”
Mr. Daniels rubbed his eyes.
“People in this town are weird.”
“But Kenny don’t usually have money for ten pizzas.”
“Maybe he won the lottery.”
Twenty minutes later, Butters found himself walking carefully through the snow toward the McCormick house. The cardboard boxes stacked so high in his arms that he could barely see.
He nearly slipped twice.
“Aw, hamburgers.”
The McCormick house sat dark except for one window glowing orange from the television.
Butters rang the bell.
Nothing.
He rang again.
The door opened.
Kenny stood there in sweatpants and an oversized green hoodie.
He looked at Butters.
Then at the mountain of pizza.
Then back at Butters.
“…Dude.”
“Evening, Kenny! I got your—”
“I didn’t order pizza.”
Butters laughed nervously.
“Well, golly, according to the receipt—”
“I absolutely did not order ten pizzas.”
“But—”
“I have four dollars.”
“But—”
“I literally ate cereal for dinner.”
“But—”
Butters slowly lowered the stack.
“Uh.”
Kenny examined the labels.
His face became increasingly horrified.
“Anchovies?”
He opened another.
“Marshmallow?”
Another.
“Pickles?!”
Butters’ phone suddenly rang.
He answered immediately.
“Hello?”
Mr. Daniels sounded exhausted.
“Stotch. Bad news.”
“What happened?”
“It’s Cartman.”
Butters closed his eyes.
Of course it was.
Apparently Eric Cartman had spent most of the evening complaining that the pizza shop represented “the destruction of American values” because it had opened next to KFC.
He had then decided to place a fake order under Kenny McCormick’s name.
Ten pizzas.
Delivery right before closing.
Mr. Daniels had only realized after Cartman called back laughing.
By then, everything had already been cooked.
“But my show—”
“I’m sorry, kid.”
“But Mr. Daniels—”
“We’ll still pay you.”
“But—”
Click.
The call ended.
For several seconds Butters simply stood there holding his phone.
Kenny watched him.
The wind blew through the yard.
Snowflakes landed on Butters’ hat.
His shoulders slowly drooped.
“He always does this.”
Kenny tilted his head.
“What?”
“Every single time I get excited about somethin’.”
His voice had become very small.
“I’ve been looking forward to that Hello Kitty episode all week.”
Kenny looked past him.
Ten pizzas.
A sad blond pizza boy.
One television.
One idea.
“You wanna watch it here?”
Butters blinked.
“What?”
“It’s starting in ten minutes.”
“But these pizzas—”
“We can eat them.”
“All ten?”
“We’ll do our best.”
“But your family—”
“My mom’s asleep. My dad’s gone. Karen’s at a friend’s.”
“But—”
“Dude.”
Kenny opened the door wider.
“It’s freezing.”
Ten minutes later, the McCormick coffee table had disappeared entirely beneath pizza boxes.
Butters sat carefully on one side of the couch while Kenny dropped beside him.
The television played the Hello Kitty opening.
Butters stared.
“You watch Hello Kitty?”
Kenny shrugged.
“Karen likes it.”
“You know who My Melody is.”
“Obviously.”
“You know Kuromi.”
“I’m not stupid.”
Butters looked genuinely delighted.
The first pizza sampled was the pickle sausage.
It was terrible.
The second was anchovy pineapple.
Worse.
The bacon marshmallow nearly killed them both.
Kenny somehow ate two slices.
“You are actually insane.”
“I’m committed.”
“You’re gonna die.”
“Worth it.”
For the first time all evening, Butters laughed.
It wasn’t his polite laugh.
It wasn’t his nervous laugh.
It was a real laugh.
Kenny noticed immediately.
The episode continued.
Hello Kitty helped one of her friends bake cookies.
Butters became extremely invested.
“Oh no! She forgot the sugar!”
Kenny smiled.
“You’ve seen this before.”
“Well yes, but not this one.”
Halfway through the episode, Butters had loosened considerably. His delivery hat sat beside him. His blond hair stuck up slightly where the hat had flattened it.
Pizza grease stained his sleeves.
He looked comfortable.
Kenny found himself staring.
“What?” Butters asked.
Kenny grinned.
“You know, this is kinda my dream.”
Butters blinked.
“What is?”
“Cute pizza delivery guy shows up at my house.”
Butters immediately turned pink.
“Oh my goodness.”
“I’ve seen documentaries.”
“Those ain’t documentaries!”
“Educational films.”
“Kenny!”
“Apparently the customer can’t pay.”
Butters buried his face in his hands.
“Aw hamburgers.”
Kenny laughed.
“What? You’re cute.”
The room became quiet.
Because that part wasn’t a joke.
Butters slowly lowered his hands.
“You think I’m cute?”
Kenny looked away.
“I mean.”
The television continued playing.
Snow fell outside.
The smell of cheese and garlic filled the room.
Butters felt strangely warm.
Because Kenny wasn’t laughing.
He wasn’t teasing.
He looked embarrassed.
Which somehow made Butters feel brave.
“Gosh.”
“What?”
“I think you’re kinda cute too.”
Kenny stared.
“You serious?”
Butters nodded.
“I always thought your eyes were real pretty.”
There was a long silence.
Then Kenny spoke.
“Nobody’s ever said that before.”
“Well they should.”
The credits began rolling.
Soft music filled the room.
Outside, the snow had become heavier.
Inside, two boys sat surrounded by empty pizza boxes.
Neither one seemed interested in moving.
Eventually Butters scooted slightly closer.
Kenny met him halfway.
The kiss was small.
Awkward.
Soft.
Their noses bumped.
Butters laughed against his mouth.
Kenny laughed too.
When they finally pulled apart, Butters looked like he might faint.
“Gosh.”
Kenny grinned.
“Still better than the pickle pizza?”
“Oh absolutely.”
“Butters?”
“Yeah?”
“You wanna do this again sometime?”
Butters looked down at the remaining pizzas.
Then back at Kenny.
His smile grew.
“Only if it’s a real order next time.”
Kenny leaned closer.
“I could always offer a new ingredient.”
Butters groaned loudly.
“Kenny!”
“What? Romance.”
“That ain’t romantic.”
“Depends on the pizza.”
Butters laughed so hard he nearly fell off the couch.
And for the first time all day, he forgot entirely about Cartman, work, and getting home on time.
Because somehow, ten terrible pizzas had become the best delivery he’d ever made.