Archive of Our Own

☀️ - i'll believe in anything by wolf parade

Keonho hates Martin to the core. 

Every move, every word, every smile—it irritates him and sends chills down his spine. Everything he is and will be is what he hates seeing the most. He could never stand seeing him sit there and look pretty like he's the ruler of fifty nations, looking for pretty privileges. His doe eyes sparkle every time he wants something for his own, and it always seems to succeed without fail.  

Whenever he sees them pampering and showering Martin with love and praise, all he would do is roll his eyes at him. He begs for attention, he manipulates them for his own selfish needs and pretends he's being considerate, he would make up excuses just to get them to himself. He's greedy and disgusting that Keonho genuinely feels the vomit soaring up from his throat.

Keonho always questioned why Martin gets everything. The brat is spoiled, and doesn't work for himself. He doesn't consider how tired the others would be from being constantly run around to do stuff without at least a return. They give in so easily, that Keonho almost feels bad that they've been put under Martin's cruel manipulation spell that they can never get out of. 

When Martin has a problem, his first instinct is to always reach out to others, and never considers solving it himself when he knows he can. He constantly looks for unnecessary reassurance which basically translates to him wanting more attention than he already has. This is what Keonho enjoys seeing the most, because the guy gets a taste of his own medicine. He finally gets to realize how much damage he does to others. 

But when the problem is solved, he goes back to normal anyway. He goes back to tampering their lives without mercy. As the menace he is, he still manages to smile through that and gives Keonho a feeling that he's scheming something evil. The guy enjoys this too much for Keonho's liking. He expects the guy to break down and crack eventually, because there is simply no way he can keep this ridiculous act for so long.

"When will you stop?" Keonho confronts, irritation intentionally visible in his tone.

Martin tilts his head, "What?" He asks, confused.

"Tch." Keonho scoffs. His eyes roll back, and return to the other pair with arms crossed. 

"Stop the fucking act. When are you going to stop this manipulation shit?" Keonho raises his voice a tad bit, getting angrier every word.

"This bullshit again? I told you, I'm not and never am manipulating them!" Martin shouts at the top of his lungs, annoyed and tired of whatever they have right now.

"Oh yeah? Why would you ask for money when you're the richest one here? Why would you wake up to ask them a question knowing they have an early schedule the day after? Why would you beg for their attention when they're doing homework? Huh? That's not something a decent person would do!" Keonho rants, throwing his arms around the air.

"They said I can!" Martin shoots back, raising his voice higher than Keonho.

"You're abusing it! You've been abusing it!" Keonho, hearing Martin raise his voice higher, does it himself too. 

Martin doesn't back down. "Why do you think I'm such a witch? I didn't even do anything but be nice!" 

"Your ass!" Keonho shouts. "You're never considerate about what they're feeling. You never return anything to them as thanks, and you can see that they're tired yet you disturb them anyway!" Keonho says furiously, reaching his peak.

Martin doesn't shoot anything back. He stands breathless as he searches for anything that he could break through, but he fails quickly. Keonho's walls remain up, so high that he couldn't see anything from outside. 

"You never handle things yourself. You never pay attention when you're needed. You never understand their feelings when they need comfort. You don't do fucking anything!" Keonho takes this opportunity to rant with boiling rage.

"You are the most evil person to come and crash onto this planet. You are never supposed to be here. You never fail to show that you are not supposed to exist!" Keonho shouts, ignoring his sore throat.

"Keonho—"

"You are such a fucking idiot! Can't you do anything by yourself for once? A punch would look best on your face." Keonho cuts him off, continuing to comment with rage boiling up through his body.

"Keonho, what the fuck—"

"I wish the world to punish you on every ounce of your body, more than what you deserve!"

"Fuck you!"

"Can't deny the truth, witch!"

"What is wrong with you?"

"Ask that to yourself!"

"Why do you hate me so much?"

"Please, no one loves you at all." 

Martin loses the battle and storms off to his room. Keonho stands still, looking at the spot he last saw Martin before he slammed his room shut just seconds ago. 

"Ahn Keonho." 

Seonghyeon's voice slips through.

It's Keonho's cue to leave.

His door slams shut as loud as Martin's, not backing down a single second.

Juhoon sighs next to Seonghyeon. "Genuinely, what is his problem with Martin?"

James speaks from Seonghyeon's left. "He's got every ounce in his body to hate Martin like he came straight up from hell, but doesn't have an ounce in him to apologize and realize how wrong he was." 

And Seonghyeon just stares at Keonho's door, fury quickly climbing up to his head as he looks back on everything Keonho had said just minutes ago. 

Seonghyeon, although being Keonho's best friend, doesn't have a single clue on why he hates Martin with everything in himself. He would notice Keonho bully Martin by just a simple slip-up and would have to comfort him and tell him that it's okay. Seonghyeon has given him multiple lectures, but none of them seem to go to his head. He's given up as much as he hoped Keonho would change, and sometimes he's ashamed he even knows him because of how sharp his words stab Martin's heart.

Yet, he still hopes this is all happening for a reason.

They realize now that yesterday was one of the days when Keonho had pushed too far. Usually, Martin is strong enough to avoid the daggers Keonho throws at him. But this time, it's much deeper. Keonho had revealed how much he truly despises Martin, and hasn't treated himself well since then. Martin doesn't even look at Keonho anymore, nor does he want to hear any mention of his name. The other three struggle to get a hold of him because he has been skipping meals, losing sleep, and failing his academics like never before.

Juhoon had to do all the work Martin missed just so he could pass. James would have to go to the convenience store and buy food for Martin to snack on when he would stare at the ceiling for too long. Seonghyeon just comforts him, but it's still a big thing. They prevent him from actually bringing Keonho's words to life because what they assumed was true—he's punishing himself like Keonho said he deserved.

While all of this is happening, Seonghyeon still manages to check up on Keonho from time to time. He would randomly take him to restaurants that the boy would like, join him in study sessions when he knew he was struggling, and help him when a project was getting too tiring to handle on his own. Keonho is feeling much better than Martin currently is, but the other would notice a slight slip-up at the end of some days due to fatigue. It’s suspicious, but Seonghyeon hopes that it affects his views on Martin.

Keonho would still observe from afar, his views still unchanged. He still thinks that Martin is just using them for his own selfish needs. He still thinks that Martin is just a witch that likes draining people for the fun of it. He still thinks that he’s the worst person to ever exist on this planet. He still stands by the fact that he doesn’t fit anywhere, no one truly loves him, and that he deserves the punishment he’s getting as of the moment. 

“Why does he want attention so badly? He’s perfectly fine by himself.” He mumbles to himself when Juhoon helps Martin finish yet another homework that the boy couldn’t finish due to fatigue. 

He rolls his eyes, not wanting to watch the scene any further or else he might do something humiliating. Again.

His forehead slams onto the table with frustration, his line of sight turning into complete darkness by the time he properly covers himself with his arms as he continues to lay down with his notebook and textbook open. Admittedly, he’s just as tired as Martin is acting. School works have been piling up on him with tight deadlines, and he has almost no one to lean on and complain because they’re too busy sucking up to Martin and his shenanigans that’s just unnecessary. However, Keonho’s not the type to easily surrender. He has walls for a reason. No one else will get to break it, and he knows that.

“I’m surprised you’re not bleeding yet.”

Keonho doesn’t have to look at the boy beside him. “My brain has.”

Seonghyeon raises a brow as he takes a seat beside him. “Huh?”

“It kind of already has been bleeding a week ago.” Keonho muffles, his head still facing down on the table. 

Seonghyeon just huffs in amusement. “Head up, Keonho.”

Keonho, as expected, doesn’t follow. Instead, they let the silence fill in comfortably as Seonghyeon doesn’t wait for the other to initiate in his own work. It goes on for a few seconds, until Keonho finally opens his mouth again.

“Still there?”

Seonghyeon looks up front.

He looks back at Keonho.

“Yep.”

He hears Keonho groan while looking back at his notebook to finish the torture of a Mathematics homework he has. 

Seonghyeon lets out a sigh. “You’ll never get anything done if you keep acting like that.” He scolds, not sparing a glance at the boy. 

Keonho finally raises his head, tilting it slightly upwards with his arms still in the same position. “I arrived first.” He argues, staring right at Seonghyeon.

Seonghyeon spares a look this time. “Doesn’t matter. Do your work.”

Keonho now sits upright, skimming through his notebook with a long and heavy sigh. He ruffles his hair, frustrated at the amount of work he has to do. Then, he takes a deep breath, and starts working. 

Keonho performs averagely well. It’s not like he excels, but he always manages to get decent grades at the end of the year. He has areas he’s slightly good at, and some particularly bad. But he doesn’t let that sway him into thinking he won’t pass. He, along with the other four, always pass with flying colors. Looking at him now, Seonghyeon wonders how someone who is good at his academics can be the villain to someone’s story. What are his medals worth if he just wastes it all on a guy? 

Seonghyeon himself wonders why he’s staying. He doesn’t really like his attitude towards Martin either, but he’s still his best friend. His first friend when no one wanted to be one. That’s a good enough reason to stay, hopefully.

“Is the project done?”

Juhoon asks, his voice echoing as he walks into the room.

“Already submitted.” James informs. He receives a nod from Juhoon as he sits down on a solo sofa chair.

“Martin?” Juhoon then asks.

“In his room.” James answers again, arms crossed as he dozes off while looking at the carpet below the table. 

“Keonho?” Juhoon now asks, turning to Seonghyeon who has been listening in to the conversation.

Only a sigh is heard from him, which is enough of a response for the other two. 

But then, something suddenly springs up into his mind. 

“Something’s wrong with him.” 

That gets Juhoon and James looking and leaning forward with interest.

James furrows his eyebrows, confused. “What’s new?” 

Seonghyeon just shrugs, unable to completely describe it into words. “His slip-ups are getting too often.”

It’s Juhoon’s turn to ask. “Slip-ups? What do you mean?” His eyebrows draw a line, his interest piqued now.

“I don’t know, but..” His voice trails off, now in deep thought. 

After a few seconds of silence, he finally speaks.

“It’s strange.”

He has nothing to say after that.

Their dorm is quiet, filled with breaths that reek of beauty rest and a trip somewhere far off the country. Only James, Juhoon and Seonghyeon have managed to survive all the way through the torture they’ve been through the past week. It wasn’t even the academic works that were more torturing, it was Keonho and Martin. Having to deal with an ill and ragged Martin alone was tiring, especially during the first few days where they couldn’t even get a hold of him. But Keonho, after a few days, decided to follow in after the work had sinked into him all at once. It was especially hard because they genuinely felt like they were taking care of patients, and their fights have never gone this bad before. They never used to do this much, but it seems like it has taken a bigger toll on the two this time. 

“Keonho needs to talk eventually.” 

They all nod in unison. 

They just hope it would make sense. 

“Ugh, the milk tea shop closed early today.” James throws himself onto the sofa, face down into the cushions. 

Keonho looks at him in amusement. “I thought you were going to save money?” 

“It’s just one drink!” James whines, standing upright in a bolt. 

“I choose not to believe that.” Juhoon comments, his eyes focusing on his phone.

Laughter takes over the living room for a few seconds, but Seonghyeon just can’t seem to lighten the weight in his chest. He hesitates, eyes flickering from James to Keonho, and then to Juhoon. If he asked this, who knows what would happen. He doesn’t want to be the cause of another mess, but he doesn’t want to keep his curiosity inside for too long or else it might burst at a worse time. 

Silence.

A beat.

And then,

“Why do you hate Martin so much?”

James looks at Seonghyeon with an unreadable expression. Juhoon, although being so focused while using his phone, looks at Seonghyeon in shock. Truth to be told, they would all expect for hell to break loose if one of them had ever asked that question to Keonho. His hatred goes deeper than they might comprehend, and they’re worried if they ever finally break Keonho and fully show his true colors because Martin would absolutely break.

Keonho hesitates for once. It’s new and strange because Keonho would usually have an answer prepared for questions about Martin. He would always have something to say. He would always assume the meanest things, and never think twice when it comes to saying it out loud. Keonho has constantly shown time and time again that he hates Martin the most. To the core. From the ends of his hair, down to the nails of his feet. He outright hates him.

So why is he hesitating when someone finally asks about it?

“I just do.” Keonho simply answers, keeping his answer short.

Seonghyeon’s eyebrows furrow, not expecting this type of response from him. “What? You have every bone and muscle in you to argue with the guy every time he makes a mistake, but you answer that?”

“I just do, that’s all.” Keonho rolls his eyes and leans back with his arms crossed. 

“That’s not an answer, you know.” Juhoon then speaks up, wanting to know as much as the other two. 

“Oh and you suddenly care?” Keonho rolls his eyes again, his irritation starting to rise. 

“We all do, Keonho. We just want to know—”

“You all do? Since fucking when?” Keonho laughs humourlessly. 

“What do you mean since when?” Seonghyeon’s eyebrows draw a line, eyes circling around Keonho’s face in disbelief.

Seonghyeon knew Keonho would start spitting random stuff that would dig deep into their chest, yet he still chose to ask him anyway. Amidst the chaos swirling the boy’s mind, he still hopes that there’s a small light that would guide him towards the right direction.

If there even is one.

Keonho scoffs. “You guys suck up to the guy like he’s an egg needing care! You always pamper him like he’s a baby when he’s a literal teenager!” The irritation is visible in his tone, and that sends a signal for the other three.

It’s going down.

“Baby? We’re being considerate and nice! We’re just there when he needs us!” Seonghyeon now sits straight up, hands circling around Keonho’s upper body as he slowly boils up.

Keonho huffs out a dry laugh. “That’s just total bullshit.” His voice contains a tone that doesn’t want to think about believing the others.

“Keonho, we help you just as much as we do with Martin. If attention is really all you want, you can simply just ask.” Juhoon stands up with all of the patience he has left until he explodes as well.

“Of course it’s you that fucking says that.” Keonho rolls his eyes, crossing his arms as he leans back on the couch.

He hears a slap to his left.

Seonghyeon, who had just slapped his lap in frustration, now stands up pacing around while seemingly trying to cool himself down because he doesn’t want to take this too far. 

However, this seems to have no eye for success. 

That gets everyone’s attention.

The air is tense.

They’re all tense.

Seonghyeon, however, has not one ounce of regret in his eyes. 

Keonho finally speaks.

“The witch got you already. Pathetic.”

He scoffs the sentence. 

Juhoon curls his hand into a fist.

It doesn’t move.

“He’s not a witch, Keonho.” James decides to stand up, arms crossing as he simply tells him off.

Keonho looks at the sight. All three of them have seemingly fallen into Martin’s trap, and Keonho knew it would be impossible to even talk them out of this.

He still talks.

“The bitch is manipulative and fake. He only wants things for himself.” Keonho says, oddly calm but the anger is still there for the other three to hear.

“No he isn't Keonho. He has never and will never do that.” Juhoon raises his voice, running a hand through his hair frustratingly.

“Where did you get all of these dumb assumptions from anyway? He’s a nice person and all you do is be the villain and ruin his life.” James grabs the opportunity and sneaks into the conversation with rage rising up from his chest.

“Someone has to! The little fucker has just been toying with you all with benefits only for himself, and he never gives back what you give!” Keonho then raises his voice like never before, anger slowly peeking out from the tone.

“Keonho, shut up! You don’t know fucking anything!” Seonghyeon slips in with his anger just as high as Keonho’s. His hair is spiky and messy after he messes with it in frustration.

“What is wrong with you anyway? If you’re jealous, it’s better to say so!” Juhoon finally shouts, his patience broken.

James’ gaze only gets meaner, not wanting to say another word.

Jealousy.

Assumptions.

Not a witch.

All wrong and shit things to say.

Why can’t they simply understand that he’s helping them get away from the suspect for their constant tiredness and increasing stress and sadness. Their fatigue only exists because Martin would force them to finish their assignment late at night. And when they do what he asks, he never bothers giving back what the three deserve. Total scam. Bullshit that Keonho knows no one should tolerate.

He’s not saying baseless assumptions. There’s evidence of witchcraft right in front of their faces. He most certainly is not jealous. Just hearing them accuse him of this already makes every bone in him ready to explore and leave a scar on each person’s body. His help is needed, yet they don’t accept it because the toxic relationship has brainwashed them into thinking this is right. 

Why would he want attention from them anyway? Are they special in any way at all?

A tired and frustrated sigh leaves Keonho’s mouth. 

“So what if I’m fucking jealous?” Keonho’s expression changes. It’s more serious, tense, and that changes the air completely as all eyes are on him. 

Keonho lets his bottled up anger do the talking.

“So what if I want your fucking attention? I couldn’t even be an option because your rotted brains are always filled with what Martin will do next.” Keonho continues, his eyebrows furrowing as he lets his emotions control him further.

“I couldn’t even ask for anything from you! It’s always Martin this, Martin that!” Keonho gestures, his hands sharply landing on random spaces between the three.

“I can’t focus, I can’t function properly, no one would even care what I did because of fucking Martin!” He continues furiously gesturing with his hands, flying around with no restraint in mind.

“Martin is so considerate! Martin is so kind! Martin is such bullshit!” Keonho shouts, echoing across the entire room. 

The three continue watching with tense shoulders and curled up fists.

“I could never even approach the bitch without thinking he’s so evil for taking advantage of your kindness despite him being observant enough to notice problems! I could never talk to him without being swayed into the toxic pond of lies he continues to tell even if he can reassure himself!” Keonho tenses up, his heart racing as if the moment feels more significant than it should.

“I could never even be comfortable with him like all of you because he’s such a sick motherfucker!” Keonho blames the rug unnecessarily, taking all of the hits from the boy’s index finger.

“I could never have that.” Keonho calms himself down, the anger still visible in his tone.

“We could never because—” 

Keonho chokes.

“Because—”

He stutters.

“I—” 

And again. 

Fuck.

What is happening?

He was fine just minutes ago.

His eyes shift. It was filled with all the rage one could imagine just minutes ago. Now it’s filled with the anxiety of finding out he broke down his walls and revealed something he shouldn’t be.

He said something forbidden.

He slipped.

He finally slipped.

He denies this.

“I can’t because—” 

“I—”

Everything in him is shifting from mad to anxious. His eyes flicker back and forth between the three, his heart is beating the loudest it would be in this lifetime, and his hands are shaking as if a big earthquake has finally struck the planet.

Anxiety takes over.

Hot, burning tears run down his cheeks as he shakes his head while backing away. 

As if they’re the bullies.

As if they’re the ones who hate him.

Maybe they do.

Keonho roughly wipes them away, heavy breaths escaping his lips while trying to register the situation he put himself into.

Seonghyeon looks a little closer, concerned while the other two exchange glances and move forward with Seonghyeon as each step feels heavier than the last. Seonghyeon cannot put a finger on why Keonho is suddenly looking the most scared he has ever seen him, and going out of character while talking about Martin when he usually never backs down in making his life miserable. 

Something’s missing. Seonghyeon doesn’t know what it is.

Just when the situation seems to get confusing, Keonho makes an attempt to talk without stuttering while trying to bring back the tough act throughout the anxiety rushing through the veins of his body.

“We can never—” 

Missing.

“Because I can’t—”

Seonghyeon thinks back at what Keonho said earlier. 

He can’t approach him because Martin takes advantage of their kindness, but is observant enough to notice what’s wrong. He can’t talk to Martin without believing the ‘lies’ he tells when he believes Martin is able to reassure himself. He could never have what they have with him. He said he can’t. He said they can’t.

Seonghyeon didn’t notice his head was on the floor.

He looks up in a bolt.

A soft and fragile,

“Keonho.” 

“No, I can’t.” He steps back.

“I can’t do this..” 

His breath hitches.

“I’m not allowed to—” 

Tears burn his eyes as it rolls down his cheeks boldly, not leaving a single one behind. He blinks continuously, in a poor attempt to stop it from escaping further. 

“I’m not allowed to do that—”

Keonho continues to choke his words. 

Seonghyeon, along with James and Juhoon attempt to get closer with concern being the only thing visible on their faces.

Keonho steps back, shaking his head and barricading his chest out of instinct.

Seonghyeon tries reaching him, moving forward with cautious steps. 

“Keonho—”

A smack echoes across the room.

“No, don’t do that.”

He gulps nervously, eyes wandering around the three in fear.

“I’m not allowed to—” 

His breath is unsteady and aggressive, unable to properly gasp for normal and steady air. Try as he can to warm up and cool down his shaky hands, it only continues to tremble worse than the last. Seonghyeon, James and Juhoon could only watch — they don’t want to scare Keonho off, but they don’t know what they’re comforting him for.

What happened to him?

“Keonho—” Juhoon calls out gently, slowly lending out a hand.

“Don’t..” Keonho gets more anxious.

Denied.

James lets out a soft sigh and extends an arm in an attempt to reach out. “Hey it’s ok—”

“No, it’s not.” Keonho says in between sobs that they’re unable to help stop.

Denied.

Seonghyeon waits, observing how Keonho avoids any form of contact and suddenly panics at every word they say. Wanting to solve what’s happening with Keonho, he slowly starts piecing things together using the words Keonho had said a while ago before completely breaking composure. When it starts leading nowhere, he attempts to get one more piece of the puzzle by asking one question. 

He hesitates. Because although he can ask, Keonho is quite sensitive at the moment and won’t properly be able to answer any question they’ll throw at him. 

Seonghyeon ponders over it. 

His mouth opens.

He closes it.

Hesitation.

Then, he blurts it out. 

“What are you not allowed to do?”

Keonho looks the worse he has been in his life. Everything shifts, like he’s looking at a traumatic event replay in front of him. His eyes look like he’s heard that the world is ending today. 

And suddenly, a stutter from the anxiety exposes him completely.

“L-like..”

Everyone freezes. Including Keonho.

Especially Keonho. 

Because he was never supposed to say that sinful of a word. 

He was never supposed to mention the part of him no one would accept because all they’ll say are the meanest words that he’ll yet easily believe. 

Maybe it’s all true.

A sob cracks from Keonho, while the three stand still, stunned in their place. 

No one talks.

Keonho sees that as an opportunity.

“Keonho—”

He storms away. He pushes James, who’s in his path, and goes straight to his room behind him. It’s followed by an aggressive and panicked slam and a click from the knob. Everything stills, and the pairs of eyes remain at that door for a few seconds before the three finally look at each other in horror, worry, and disbelief. No one dares to speak. No one dares to slash the air that deemed it was only a harmless confrontation. 

But no one absolutely ignores the fact that Keonho has finally exposed who he is.

“Seonghyeon.” James is the one to interrupt the tension from spreading. 

Seonghyeon’s eyes flicker towards the source of the sound, and so does Juhoon. Both wait for him to address the situation, knowing he’s the only one brave enough to say anything upfront. 

“Is he..” It trails off instead, the braveness and courage he once had suddenly vanishing when he needs it most. 

Seonghyeon is sure. He knows what’s happening. One part of him says he’s relieved to finally know the reason behind Keonho being who he is towards Martin. However, the other part of him stabs the chest with heavy guilt and regret. How could he have not noticed? Why does he even have those kinds of thoughts? What really happened to him is something Seonghyeon knows he needs to speak up about. The elephant in the room can only be addressed if he speaks on it when Keonho obviously can’t. 

So he does it. 

“He doesn’t hate him.” 

His eyes drift to his front with eyes wide in shock.

Because Seonghyeon didn’t say that.

Juhoon did.

Two pairs of eyes divert to him right then. The air is heavy, and the hurt is there — fresh and bleeding as the ache spreads around themselves. James’ hands twitch, Seonghyeon licks his lips, and Juhoon releases a heavy sigh from the bottom of his chest. The realization that suddenly rings Seonghyeon’s head has him in horror, but he doesn’t dare speak of it because he doesn’t want to believe the undeniably strong theory. Hesitation grows.

Seonghyeon thinks it over.

After multiple anxious taps at the sleeve of his shirt, he finally speaks. 

“He never did.”

Juhoon’s eyebrows draw a line. “How do you say so?”

Seonghyeon just shrugs.

 “Gut feeling.”

That was enough for now. 

They hadn’t seen Keonho since then. 

Keonho traps himself in his room as soon as he’s free from necessary interactions and unfinished group assignments he needs to handle. Seonghyeon hasn’t seen him eat since then, but he can’t give him food since he only leaves it at the table or refuses any form of entry that can lead to more exposure that will eventually drag him down to the core of the Earth. He hasn’t been sleeping either — pulling up countless all-nighters and denying the signal that he should sleep. The bags under his eyes get darker each day, and his face looks more and more unhealthy each time he denies communication, and they can’t even do anything about it because Keonho doesn’t want to. But, what’s worse is the fact that they let him do what he does, because they completely understand where he’s coming from. 

Martin has also noticed the big change. He, of course, did not know a single word that was said for it to cause this big of a mess. He notices how Keonho doesn’t villainize him when he’s seen with Juhoon with yet another paperwork to finish. He doesn’t take the opportunity to hoard him with hurtful words when he slips up or makes a mistake. He doesn’t scold him from the fact that his lunch is yet again Seonghyeon’s treat. He doesn’t even let himself linger around him anymore — making attempts to leave if he’s just within the vicinity of his area. He doesn’t spare devilish glares. He doesn’t wish any form of negativity upon him. He’s not bothering him anymore. 

“Karma finally got him?” Martin raises an eyebrow at Keonho walking away from their area in the library, looking fearful and scared. 

Three pairs of eyes linger where they last saw him, scared of saying anything that might lead to another disaster. They’re not allowed to say anything as long as Martin is with them. Seonghyeon wants to say something — anything that would get Martin to be silent and not talk about Keonho for once without being too mean about it. 

“Shut up. Don’t talk.” 

It’s Juhoon that says it. 

They all look at Juhoon, eyes looking with subtle shock. 

Juhoon, Martin’s best friend, told him that. 

He never does that.

Martin sighs, “I need to leave anyway, group project meeting.”

He packs up his things and leaves. Martin mindlessly cuts through the chatter of the crowd wandering around the entrance, Keonho’s recent condition lingering in his mind like a fly he can’t catch nor flee away. Juhoon’s response echoes more and more for every step he takes farther from the boy. Juhoon had never told him something like that because there was never a point in saying it. Martin is always nice and understands the situation that surrounds him. He would also have the right to comment about it more so because he is the victim. 

However, Juhoon made it seem like the roles have been reversed for the first time in his life. Martin doesn’t understand that part — because he has never talked to Keonho in the past few days, nor did he do anything to blow his fuse in whatever way he did. Martin hates him, sure, but he would rather be avoiding the guy than entertain his toxic thoughts that would poison and burn him for days with no end in sight. Even if he looks back at past experiences, there’s nothing he could’ve done that would turn Keonho more miserable than him — which says something.

At one point, he thought that the boy is doing it for attention — jealous of the attention constantly and rightfully going to him, hence hurting himself so he can get the same amount of attention too. But even if Keonho is as evil as Martin says, Keonho would never stoop so low. He would never stupidly risk his life to see another slowly wreck theirs. He would never act like a victim when he knew he would hate giving in to whatever or however Martin acts with their friends. If something happened, he doesn’t know why he’s involved in it when he has done nothing but suffer in a typhoon of paperwork.

Juhoon has no regrets. He knew he had to say it.  

He looks at where Martin last disappeared from his line of sight, and the whole library. He saw how he was thinking about something — probably either about Keonho or what he had told Martin. It’s only right that Martin is aware that something is happening to Keonho at least, because if he didn’t then it would cause bigger chaos than it already had. Juhoon feared Keonho would feel too exposed because of how immersive the boy is in fights, so jumping in to indirectly tell Martin that something is going on was the right move for him. 

As Juhoon exhales while his head turns back to the situation at hand, they knew that was the sign that the coast is clear.

“It was his way of setting it aside.”

Seonghyeon starts. 

“Maybe he never thought of those things because he hates him,”

“Maybe it’s because he wishes it was that instead.”

And they catch the message immediately, nodding along to Seonghyeon’s words. Although it isn’t really confirmed, it would have to do for now.

After a long thought, James speaks up. 

“He thinks he’s not allowed to like him.” His eyes are sorrowful and worried. 

“He’s free to like whoever he wants.” Juhoon comments firmly.

“But maybe he was taught the opposite.” 

James and Juhoon look at Seonghyeon. He returns it. 

They didn’t need to say anything else. 

All that would be left on the table are the words,

“It must have been heavy.”

Seonghyeon couldn’t hold it in.

He needs to see Keonho. He needs him to eat and get proper sleep. Intrusion is something he never thought he’d do in serious situations, but here he is — pulling out the spare key he sneakily kept to himself because he knew times like this would come. A plastic bag dangles around his wrist with food and drinks for Keonho to feast himself with. 

“You sure this is right?” Juhoon asks, lowering his voice as they stand in front of the door. 

“We can’t keep this going.” Seonghyeon firmly responds. 

The key makes its appearance from his pocket and shakes as it enters the hole. A twist, click, and a creak all happen in a second, which reveals Keonho looking the worst he’s been since forever ago. 

“H-hyeon—”

The door clicks shut. 

The crinkles from the plastic bag set the mood for the whole room unknowingly. It is then thrown towards Keonho’s lap to get a good look at what’s in store for him. They let the time tick for a few seconds, patiently waiting for the moment to sink in for Keonho. When Seonghyeon catches Keonho not wanting to initiate, he does it instead.

“Eat.”

It was firm and final. Keonho knows it’s something he has to do. However, he doesn’t hide the hesitation drawing on his face. He fiddles with the bag, looking into the food longer than necessary. When Keonho notices an eyebrow raise from Seonghyeon, he finally gives in and brings out the food to eat.

Slowly but surely, Keonho regains health after who knows how long. Keonho had somehow learned to survive purely with cold water whenever he’s hungry, but he’s never told anyone that the feeling has already been too familiar with his presence — especially Seonghyeon. Who knows what his best friend will do if he finds that out. 

“He doesn’t look like he hasn’t eaten in forever.” Juhoon points out an observation, patiently standing as Keonho takes a bite out of his sandwich. 

James then slightly tilts his head sideways. “Maybe he has his ways.” 

Seonghyeon narrows his eyes at him, glaring with protectiveness. James lets out a sigh after a few seconds, doing nothing but to shrug it off. Seonghyeon couldn’t be bothered to know anyway, so he rolls his eyes and puts his focus back on Keonho. 

Keonho is close to finishing already, consuming the last half of a chocolate-filled bread that Seonghyeon would buy him whenever hell would break loose after dreaming about endless floods of papers in his room. The soda bottle softly crashes into the table, finishing every last quarter of the drink along with the bread. Keonho’s eyes carefully watch Seonghyeon’s facial expression — eyes peeling for anything he might be demanded to do next.

The bedsheets rustle over Seonghyeon making space for Keonho to sit on. When a soft smack is heard from Seonghyeon’s right, he follows the command right away. The bed creaks when he sits down, rustling as Keonho adjusts his angle towards Seonghyeon. Meanwhile, James and Juhoon don’t bother interrupting — Seonghyeon, seen as Keonho’s older brother at this point, already knows what the other needs, and what he can do while making sure the other is safe. Seonghyeon knows Keonho the best, that goes to show without needing evidence.

This is still the most cautious Seonghyeom felt like he had to be in all those years knowing Keonho. He knows how much of a sensitive topic this is for him, and he won’t push it if he doesn’t feel comfortable about telling the whole story. Keonho isn’t dumb, however, He knows they’ve been waiting for him to open up. To tell them what happened. To tell them why he acted the way he did that night. To tell them why it’s Martin. 

He can’t help but think about what will happen. He had once told people he trusted before, but all they did was just throw endless knives at his back mercilessly until the bleeding had stopped because there would be nothing left. No one would bat an eye ever since the day it had spilled. When crimes would target a punch on the face, not one person had thought to even sort out the fight. No one bothered putting the fist’s owner in the bars of detention. No one wanted to be associated with someone that lived by the trash bin. 

It happened once. It can happen again.

“Keonho.”

Keonho didn’t notice how long he was looking at his own lap with the fingers tightly curling onto the knees with slightly long nails that had the chance to dig inside of it if he tried hard enough. 

A blink. A hammering heartbeat. Shaky hands that are subtle but not enough for Seonghyeon to not notice. 

“Look here.”

It was gentle. It wasn’t a command, but a soft call. 

Only his eyes move, lashes fluttering as he blinks another time. 

Keonho’s expressions are observed carefully before a hand grabs his and is gently caressed. 

Seonghyeon takes a deep breath.

“You’re okay.” 

what?

“Huh?”

“You’re okay.”

A blink.

Another one.

And another,

and another,

until the first tear finally breaks out.

Everything quickly crashes down after — the waterfall of tears has finally been too much to hold, the strength that holds him up suddenly comes crashing down from being held up for too long, and his mouth cries out the pain he never let anyone capture. 

He drops himself into Seonghyeon’s arms, leaning in for a tight embrace as his cries turn the room more vulnerable than it already is. His face is buried on the crook of Seonghyeon’s neck, the loud cries muffling but still feeling the pain all the same. 

Juhoon and James move closer, showing their ways of comfort with pats on the head and the back as gentle as they can. The eyes show no lies — they truly feel bad for all the things that had happened to Keonho before to make him act like this. The weight is hard to carry already, seeing Keonho in his full vulnerable state for the first time. Not even Seonghyeon had seen the latter broken down in pain so badly before. 

Seonghyeon keeps his hold, not saying anything else when one sentence already stated a whole letter dedicated to him. He remembers the days when Keonho would be the one in his position because the insecurities bothered his mind whenever the papers were important for the faculty to examine. No one had been there like Keonho did, and stuck to him ever since because the trust was easily earned with a genuine goal to make friends with him. He sits here now, knowing he used to wonder what he would do to give back everything Keonho did for him when no one else would. 

Keonho gave in as quickly as he did back then.

“We trust you. You’re safe.” Seonghyeon wipes the tears from Keonho after the latter distances himself from him, making attempts at calming down with stuttering breaths and messy sobs.

Keonho only hums, slightly nodding while he wipes his own tears as his arm crosses along his face with the intention of banishing the tears that burn as they roll down his cheeks continuously without end. 

Juhoon decides to speak. “We’re here, okay? We’ll always be here.” He kneels down in front of him, gently patting his hair as the other responds with a small nod.

James decides to add in too. “And thank you for being here with us. We appreciate it.” 

Keonho blinks.

He blinks again.

A pair of eyes turn to Seonghyeon.

He stares back.

He has calmed down, his cheeks clean from the liquid that once refused to show mercy on his face.

They said those words so easily. It came out from their mouths as if they meant it. 

Keonho judges from the look on Seonghyeon’s face.

They do mean it.

One deep breath.

Inhale,

Exhale.

“I once had friends… that, I trusted.” 

They pay attention immediately, breaths caught in a cage they can’t be let out.

“I trusted them enough to.. tell them.” 

He fiddles with his hands, his eyes looking chaotically at different pairs then down to his lap.

“I told them, then they ignored and bullied me.” 

His chest feels heavier.

“I was called a sin. A witch. I had to stay away and be alone.” 

Hesitation is visible, but it’s obvious that he looks eager to say more.

“Keonho, if you can’t say it, it’s fine. We’re proud of you for telling us so much already.” Seonghyeon lands a hand on the other’s shoulder for comfort.

He looks at Seonghyeon.

Then at James,

Then at Juhoon.

His eyes stick particularly at Juhoon for a bit longer. 

Another deep breath.

Inhale,

Exhale.

“I liked Martin, after all of that happened.” It was almost a whisper — the most fragile-sounding Keonho has ever spoken in his life.

“I didn’t want a repeat of events so I—” 

He cuts himself off to release a small sigh.

“I felt sick every time I had to hate Martin.” 

He looks down to his lap, fingers curling into his knees.

“It felt easier to hate him because it’s more accepted.” 

A beat.

“And if I were to be shouted at, at least I deserve it this time.” 

They can feel their hearts break right then.

“I—” A humourless laugh comes out to cut him off.

“I would cry every time I saw him suffer because of me, but I still feared showing my true identity more than losing him.” 

A gulp.

“Because at one point, I thought it was better that way.” 

“Keonho.” 

Juhoon’s voice cuts through the heavy weight piling on their chests. 

“We both know you did Martin wrong for many years. We both know that whatever usually happened was most likely your fault.”

Keonho feels his heart hammering his chest.

“But no one deserves to feel that they should blend in with the people who brought them down in the first place.”

Keonho’s eyes widen.

James and Seonghyeon pay attention, not moving a single muscle in their body.

“You don’t deserve to put up an act as the opposite of yourself just because that’s how other people usually are.” 

It’s soft, comforting, and reassuring — all those coming from the best friend of the person he has liked the longest. He could only imagine Martin saying those kinds of words to him.

Because there is no way Martin would choose someone like him.

Not after everything he did.

“You’re not weird. You’re not a sin. You’re not a witch. You never were.”

Keonho glances at him. “But I am.”

Juhoon draws a small, soft smile.

“An ice pack placed under the sun would melt, Keonho.”

Keonho tilts his head, eyes narrowing with furrowed eyebrows displaying confusion.

“You weren’t in the right environment,”

Juhoon gently holds Keonho’s hand, worn out after a few minutes of being curled onto the knees.

“but now you are.” 

Keonho stares, not knowing how to react as his emotions overwhelm him to the point that it stuns him instead of reacting to it. 

“And Keonho.”

He looks at James this time, same expression still displaying. He only responds with a hum, his chest hammering uncontrollably.

“You don’t need to put up an act around us anymore, okay? We like seeing you be true to yourself.” 

Keonho buffers, but still manages to give a small nod as a reaction to James’ words. 

Not knowing what to do, he takes a quick look at Seonghyeon. He wants to poke fun at him right now because of how serious and worried he looks. Definitely a weapon he can use in the future.

For the first time, he feels like smiling.

Keonho lightly punches Seonghyeon’s shoulder in a playful manner. “You gave me back too much.”

Seonghyeon’s immediate giggle states that he got exactly what that meant. 

Laughter spread across the room for the first time after half an hour, the air feeling lighter and protected in contrast to the weight of it a while ago.

Seonghyeon’s smile becomes softer. 

A firm gaze.

“Good.” 

“Good?”

“You deserve more than what you ask for.” 

Keonho huffs out a laugh. “Ew, you’re cringe.”

Seonghyeon lets out a laugh that spreads across the room. “And you’re not?” He raises a brow with amusement.

“I’m the coolest person ever, what do you mean?” Keonho squints.

Seonghyeon scoffs. “If you consider bringing an English book to a Science class cool, then sure.” 

“Hey!”

And the playful banter continues. 

Keonho has never felt this happy because of who he is, and he never wants to lose it.

If he did, he would be glad that it had still happened.

Nothing else needed to be said.

This was more than enough already.

Nothing is sitting right with him recently.

Keonho suddenly gets pampered and showered with love for telling them ‘he’s proud of himself’ like it held any meaning behind it. Their smiles would widen just by watching the younger act out too childishly like he’s a baby that needed to earn their attention from the oldest sibling that would go into college in a week. Keonho would randomly be given food as he is working like a patient that needed their medicine personally delivered to their house that’s just three minutes away. Keonho is suddenly acting like the world is all cupcakes and rainbows. Keonho would pretend that he’s concerned for the other when in reality he likes it when they do what they do for him. 

Everything was suddenly resolved. Okay. And the information was classified as top secret, which meant Martin would know absolutely nothing about what happened. He starts questioning Keonho’s way of manipulating the others to think that he’s in the right, because he is left clueless as to why Keonho’s behaviour is suddenly so different. Not to mention the fact that he simply avoids Martin this time, but his expression would be neutral unlike before. He wasn’t affected this time. His eyes didn’t hold daggers that would stab the other pair even when the command never floated around. Any accidental encounters would only get walked aside with no personal comments that would always sound like he bumped into the villain he despised most. Any accident he made in front of him would only just stay as one, and not turn into a full-on war that felt more and more like the end of the world each time it happened. 

Juhoon wouldn’t tell him anything even if he begged for it. One thing about Juhoon is that he keeps his mouth sealed when he wants and needs to, so he knows how hard it would be to get a secret out of Juhoon without having to consult the original source first. Juhoon would always tell him to be quiet whenever any insult was thrown at Keonho like he was suddenly special. Juhoon would make Martin not question everything he does for the younger because he deems it to be normal when he had made it look like they’re more best friends than he is with Martin. Juhoon would ignore if Martin had wanted at least a bit of what happened. Juhoon made it clear that they wanted nothing to get to Martin, and that clearly the four of them have some kind of bond that Martin can’t get in on. When Martin asked about that, Juhoon had simply said that ‘he wouldn’t get it’ which he is confident that he would.

It became hard to bear Keonho looking so normal and simply ignoring Martin as if he never existed, especially after everything he had done. Why do they let him act like he doesn’t have a list of crimes he needs to pay for? Why do they treat him as if he’s the most special person to have ever existed in this universe? Looking at Keonho being all jolly and happy would twist his stomach the wrong way, and he didn’t like all the undeserved freedom Keonho was given after everything was suddenly fixed one day. 

He remembered coming home to an atmosphere that felt all too happy knowing there was something heavy being carried around just hours and days ago. Seeing the relief on their faces confused Martin, and he was eager to know everything about what happened. Mainly because maybe he would gain some information to get back at Keonho after a long time. He never saw Keonho get out of his room the day it was resolved though, and he got nothing to attack Keonho whenever he would strike again since he knew he would be filled with them now that he’s feeling all too well again. What’s absurd is that the three of them prevented him from disturbing Keonho in any way, and they were determined to keep them as far away from each other as possible.

A week, and another would pass by, and he would still not gain any information about the issue that he thinks is so disturbing that they had to lock it in a vault with a four-step authentication password to access it. He knew he had to deal with it himself if no one wanted to comply with him. He knew he had to force Keonho to stay with him and explain. His life would be on the line, but he cannot go another day without feeling like an outcast and the odd one out in the group anymore. He doesn’t want to stay in the shadows anymore. 

He wants to know what happened that they don’t want him to know so badly. 

“Keonho.” 

And he just so happens to be right there.

Keonho maintains his focus on the counter, his eyes unwavering. He walks forward, calm and normal steps towards it when Martin suddenly blocks his way. Keonho tries to make way, but it is impossible to get past the tall guy that he would have to push to make way because of the little space the room has. Keonho’s steps finally halt, stopping due to the stutter with nervousness creeping up while looking at the older. 

Keonho makes an attempt at escaping, by stepping back slowly until he can make a run for it.

A firm grip grabs his wrist.

“Talk to me.” 

Keonho just stares.

“Talk to me, fucker!” 

“Use your words, then!”

The shout is shaky, unwanted, and uncomfortable. 

Keonho has never sounded like that before.

“What did you do to make those three literally head over heels for you? Huh?” 

“I didn’t do shit, Martin!”

It sounds more fearful than mad.

“Didn’t do shit? That’s total bullshit. Why do you have to stoop so low just so you can get their attention all to yourself?” 

“I didn’t do anything! The bullshit that you’re saying are your own accusations!”

Martin scoffs.

“Accusations? Like you haven’t done that since what? Forever?”

“Martin—”

He doesn’t spare him a second this time.

“You little shit are too desperate for attention!”

“Martin I—”

“Why do you have to act on your jealousy like that?” 

“What? That’s not—”

“You are so childish, thinking that everything needs to be about you and you only!”

“I do not—”

“You enjoy being a villain. When that fight broke out, you had to win them back because you knew you lost!”

“That’s not what—” 

“You had already lost! Stop being so greedy, immature, and childish because that will lead you nowhere!” 

“And you stop blabbering your mouth!”

The first push.

It’s unexpected, since there would have been at least ten at this point in the argument.

“Stop being there like you’re so special!”

“Stop looking all kind and approachable!”

This doesn’t feel like rage nor anger.

“Stop acting like you’re so reliable all the time!” 

The second push.

“Stop pretending like the universe is centered around you!”

Third push.

A grip by the collar.

Keonho shakes it.

“Stop asking too many questions!” 

His voice trembles.

His hand is firmly on the collar as Martin watches, unfazed by the action.

Keonho lets his emotion take over again, by mistake.

“You are such a dumb bitch!”

Tears start welling up.

Martin notices immediately.

Keonho shakes him as hard as he can despite the other being unaffected by it. His eyes are staring at the marble flooring as he shouts.

“You make it so hard for me to lose these feelings that I—”

Martin stops everything.

Then quickly says,

“Feelings?”

shit.

Keonho freezes, tears at the brink of dropping down to burn his cheeks yet again with no mercy. Martin watches, unable to do anything because he is still processing the moment himself. 

Martin loosens his grip, so Keonho takes the opportunity. 

A step back.

Another.

And another,

until he runs back with tears finally breaking him while the door slams as much as it hurts him.

He was never supposed to say that.

He didn’t want him to know.

He never wanted him to know.

That’s why no one had told him anything in the first place. 

All that just for him to expose himself.

Again.

Martin already hates him.

But now he’s going to be hated even more. 

He crashes into the pillow, silently sobbing his face against it while feeling the ache and the fear of Martin hating him as much as Keonho did as if his life depended on it. 

But then again, maybe he deserved all of that treatment from Martin anyway.

Meanwhile, Martin cannot even utter a sound. What happened? What did Keonho say? Was that even real? Is he playing with him?

The door suddenly clicks.

When he shifts his gaze towards the door, he sees the three enter the room.

Juhoon can sense that something’s wrong. The way Martin is standing as if some classified information was leaked right in front of him doesn’t sit right with him. He immediately asks.

“What happened?”

Martin looks at him, then at James, and then at Seonghyeon. 

His eyes linger there for a bit longer.

A blink.

Then,

“He said feelings.” 

Seonghyeon turns to Martin in a flash, fear and worry visible in his eyes. Then, in a bolt, he throws his bag onto the couch and quickly heads to Keonho’s room — opening the locked door with his spare key that Keonho didn’t bother taking. Meanwhile, Juhoon takes a good look at Martin — looking like he miserably failed at processing the most important information he’ll ever receive in his life. 

Juhoon carefully goes beside Martin with caution, not wanting the other to be disturbed whilst he’s in deep thought. For a moment, he even considers helping him figure it out. However, he decided that it’s best that he figures it out on his own. He stands beside him carefully like a guardian waiting for a move to do something to the environment again. 

Martin still couldn’t believe it.

After all these years, was that why he called him a witch when he did nothing wrong? Was that why he would notice his mistakes first before Juhoon could even look? Was that why everything that had been claimed as evil reminded him of Martin even when it didn’t look evil at all? Was that why he would notice when Martin is acting up before anyone can ask him what’s wrong? Was that why he throws mean words at him like he’s buying a hundred more lives? 

He thought the guy hated him to the core. Despised every move he would make. Hated the way he would simply strut through the halls while pretending he looks lame and is seeking attention. Deemed him miserable when he didn’t get the score he wanted on an activity. Told him he was a crybaby for crying over a movie most people would usually cry over because of how naturally sad it is. 

All that just for it to be the total opposite.

He absent-mindedly looks over to Keonho’s door.

He whispers.

“He..”

A beat.

Juhoon glances to his left, quietly waiting for a response.

“..Likes me too?”

Juhoon clearly catches his words, despite Martin whispering them. Maybe due to the silence that hurt their ears more than music blasting at full volume. Not to mention the tension in the air, because one word had exposed everything they tried so hard to keep because Keonho wouldn’t handle even being in the same room as Martin ever again.

Juhoon fully focuses on him, shock slightly visible in his face. He processes the information by blinking a few times, his breath getting caught by his throat from the tension that denies him sparing a second with a useless exhale. His lips twitch — opening and closing back and forth undecidedly. 

He speaks after much thought.

“You like him too?”

He purposefully spread the word around the air, letting it know that they bring no harm and only good to the civilization. One of them, James, catches the confirmed news. The oldest is shocked, to say the least. His steps stutter in place, his heel stopping his attempts to harm the air that promises peace from then on. However, he walks with the intention of improving the situation. 

“You do?” Is all he manages to say. 

“I always have..” His voice trails off quietly in disbelief.

Juhoon speaks with urgency. “Martin, you might not understand everything, but—”

“I just want to talk to him.”

Martin finally reciprocates eye contact with Juhoon.

His eyes soften. Longing. Patiently wanting. 

“I want to talk to him.”

Juhoon’s eyes sadden as he maintains eye contact. 

He slowly shakes his head. 

Martin’s shoulders visibly drop, unknowing of its tense structure a while ago.

A sigh comes out of Juhoon.

“He’s going through it, okay? Please just understand.” 

James adds onto Juhoon’s words. “He’ll come around eventually.”

Martin internally apologizes. 

Because he knows how avoidant Keonho can get when no one initiates to fix things. He knows that as long as he avoids him, Keonho will avoid him just as much too. It will never stop, and nothing will ever be addressed if no one will be making a move.

He talks to him tomorrow, and that’s final.

sorry.

And as expected, he’s as avoidant as ever.

Now every time he looks at Keonho, he looks at him with the longing he had sealed in a box for a long time. Every accidental eye contact does things to him that floats him up to the clouds. Every laugh he would hear from a table away would sound like music no other song would be able to top. His smile would reach his eyes and all Martin would wish is that he would be the reason behind all of it. Every time the younger would hide his fatigue, all he thought of was him laying down on his shoulder to rest after a long day, or caressing his hair when he puts himself in a slumber on the table as he gazes at every facial feature that would look like it came from a sculpture in a highly-valued museum. 

Martin always hid the fact that he secretly wanted Keonho. He had prayed every night that Keonho would suddenly turn over a new leaf and like him instead of constantly pushing him down to the depths of hell. He cried each night the knife hit deeper than the last, trying his hardest to keep this last spark of hope he had in wishing Keonho would finally open his eyes and see that their future would be brighter together. No one knew how much he had secretly loved Keonho most when the boy would hate him most, and he had to live with the heavy weight of bearing the fact that this love of his was impossible to get. He only ever wished for Keonho to be with him, yet the wish seemed impossible to be granted because the answer was already right in front of him.

He wanted to do something. Anything. He desperately wanted to bag the boy. He swears on his life that he would do anything to make the boy his. He never acted on it, but he wouldn’t have cared if he looked like a pathetic loser trying to take a picture of air blowing past him. He knows what could have happened. He knows the consequences he could have faced. But, he’s just a guy in love. What’s one to do when the world doesn’t promise eternity for people like him? What’s he to do if the world intentionally put flames upon a bridge big enough that he couldn’t distinguish and cross it just to get to Keonho? What can he do if the world just simply didn’t want it easy for those that ‘bend the normalcy’ of identity? What can he do when the world shows countless signs that this relationship is forbidden?

How could he have fought when he didn’t have any reason to?

Why would he take action when there was no chance in the first place?

What can he do when all he ever did was love Keonho?

The thing is, Keonho himself shuts him out too. He’s like him — troubled with upholding his feelings to someone a boy wouldn’t usually like. But Keonho had never tried to work things out. Martin had secretly tried everything. But there was no guarantee that he actually did anything, he was just as a coward as Keonho is. What’s there to fight for when Keonho doesn’t even want to try? Nothing will ever be won over if no one had started a battle. Nothing would happen if no one would initiate. 

Now that Martin has seen the chances laid down on him, he has no choice but to act on it.

Call him impatient for not waiting for Keonho. Call him selfish for not caring what they told him. Call him pathetic for still trying to achieve what’s already so distant from him. But he doesn’t care. He loves Keonho with his life. There’s no way he would lose the chance bestowed upon him just like he had hoped all those years ago. He doesn’t care for how long he will wait. Weeks. Months. Years. Decades. All to make Keonho finally say yes. All to make him his. All to defy the universe telling him that they wouldn’t happen. He’s scared, more than Juhoon and the others would ever think. He’s scared of something breaking. He might scare Keonho. He might make everything worse than better. But he feared losing Keonho more because he’s right there. He never wanted Keonho to stop bullying him because he would still be there. Losing Keonho would mean losing all means of living. Losing what’s in front of you would mean you let them go.

And Martin had never once thought of that even when there were countless times when he could have done it. 

He doesn’t want to let Keonho run away this time.

“Martin.. Let go..”

Martin desperately grabs onto his wrists.

“Please, listen to me.”

Keonho lets out a quiet sob, shaking his head while attempting to escape.

“I can’t—”

“Keonho, you don’t know how much I have loved you all these years.”

Keonho’s world stops, eyes darting towards the other pair that screamed for years of wanting and longing for something that was once dumb to hope for. He looks for any sign of tease, raging outburst, insults — anything. Nothing came.

“I have loved you in secret. I always wondered what it would be like to have you as the opposite of what you feel for me. Deep inside, I wish your words will hit me the right way rather than wrong. I stood and watched from a distance, hoping that you would suddenly change your mind and see me as the person whom you’d spend building your future with rather than crush it.”

Tears roll down Martin’s eyes. 

“Even when I suffer each day from the words I knew you’d continue to say, I wanted you to stay and keep doing that because it was better than not seeing you at all. Even when you didn’t view me the way I viewed you, it didn’t matter to me. I would keep being a pathetic loser as long as you’re standing with me.”

“You don’t know how much I’ve dreamt of you. I wrote songs about you. The poem that got me perfect marks was all about you. Most of my beanies exist in my closet because I wanted you to steal them one day and wear it for yourself. I entered the singing contest because I knew you would be there to watch even when all you’d do is insult me after I perform.”

Keonho’s heart is hammering his chest. 

Guilt. 

Disbelief. 

Tears well in his eyes, his breath refusing to escape to the fragile world.

“I prayed for the day that you’d be mine. Keonho I—”

His tears choke him, cutting him off.

A deep breath. 

The intense eye contact. 

They’re just a few inches away from each other. 

“I love you so much. I don’t want to wake up to a morning where you’re not there.”

He spares time to release heavy breaths that contain years of burden.

“M-martin..”

Keonho takes a deep breath. 

The living room absorbs the tension. 

“I feared showing my true identity more than losing you because no one accepted my form of honesty. They called me weird, a sin, a witch. I had to separate myself from everyone because… no one wanted to associate themselves with me.”

His voice trembles.

“Believe me, I never hated you… God, I— I loved you too much for my own liking. I pretended those words were genuine when every insult would crack my heart as much as I knew it would make you cry. I would regret every fight we had.. Every shout that broke my throat wishing it was to shower you with love instead..”

Everything in him seems to shake anxiously. 

Martin moves down from the wrist to the hands, and carefully holds them in attempts of calming them down.

“I wanted to show it. I wanted to say it. I even— I wanted to stop myself because the plan of hating you instead was flunking badly. I wanted to show my true self.”

Tears burn his cheeks, his throat sore.

“I just… I didn’t want to continue being seen as a sin when all I would ever think was that you make me happy in times I especially don’t want to show it.”

“Martin I—”

His voice cracks.

Martin hums gently, wiping his tears while holding him like a fragile object.

“I love you..”

More uncontrollable sobs Martin continues to wipe off.

“I really do, but—”

A sniff, and an exhale.

“Why does loving someone have to be so hard?”

His voice shakes, more tears rolling down with no mercy.

“I’m scared of showing myself, Martin..”

“This is never wrong,”

“But I feel like I can’t see myself anymore.”

He lets himself cry for a few seconds. Martin’s left hand pulls him closer for comfort, and then returns to gently wiping off the tears that glisten the eyes of someone that looked too beautiful for people to destroy. 

“I—”

The tears stutter his breathing, making him unable to properly form sentences.

Martin soothes him softly. “I’m here, it’s okay.”

Keonho sobs even more.

“I just want to show myself, Martin. I—”

“I just want me to be me..”

And between cries, he almost whispers it.

“Why is it so hard to be happy?”

Martin couldn’t contain himself anymore.

“Keonho, we’ll get through this together. You have me, and I have you. We’ll keep you safe, and we’ll protect you from harm. Just please, I—”

A sigh.

“I want to be your suitor.”

Keonho gets stunned in shock.

“W-what?” He stutters.

“You don’t have to go through this alone anymore. You can lean on me. I will guide you to a world where you get the spotlight you have always deserved. I will wait for you to take it all in, as long as it takes. I want you, you’re the only one I allow to build the rest of my life with. You’re the one I want to see every morning.”

“Martin, what about everything I did for all these years—”

“I don’t care about that. You never meant any of it, did you? You called me that because they did. You’re not weird, you’re not a sin, and you’re not a witch. You’re worth my love, and much more. My heart is always yours.”

Martin wipes Keonho’s tears again.

A soft, but small smile.

“Just stay with me, please.”

Keonho’s eyes look everywhere for a sign of him dreaming — Martin’s eyes that look so in love he just can’t reciprocate it the same way, his hands that warm his cheeks in a way he didn’t ever want him to let go, the distance that always meant intimacy and good connection, and his lips that he badly wanted to touch his own. Everything is real. It’s not a dream. Seonghyeon, Juhoon, and James had been there yesterday when he feared that everything was over. They stayed, like they promised. 

A weak whisper lingers between the space they don’t occupy.

“You promise?”

Martin smiles endearingly.

“I promise.”

Slowly but surely, he nods until it’s firm and final. 

He finally verbally grants permission.

“Okay, let’s do that.”

Martin pulls him in a warm embrace for the first time ever.

The warmth feels amazing. It spreads around their bodies with comfort, the softness growing as they prolong it. Keonho sobs into the crook of Martin’s neck, calming down while Martin caresses Keonho’s head as he does so. Keonho allows himself to melt into Martin after calming down, feeling the embrace he had always wanted to feel ever since the day he loved the latter. Martin’s hand naturally slips down to Keonho’s waist, owning it as if anyone else would ever steal it.

When they finally break the hug, the share looks while Martin holds Keonho’s cheeks gently and caresses it with his thumbs. Martin’s soft smile never wears down, looking at the younger mesmerized by the moment like a big diamond was laying in front of him. The air becomes reassuring, protective, soft, and safe. The room holds them down protectively, assuring their safety as long as they remain within it. 

Martin finally breaks the silence.

“The bags under your eyes are concerning.”

Keonho instinctively pouts, looking away in embarrassment. “They’re fine.”

Martin huffs out a laugh. “Come here, let’s rest.”

Martin grabs the other’s waist, pulling him to the couch to rest after minutes of standing with nervous beating in the chest. They sit next to each other, and Keonho lets himself fall onto Martin’s shoulder for a nap. 

“Hey,” Martin interrupts. “Lay on my lap instead. It’s more comfortable.”

Keonho follows immediately, letting the older’s hands guide him to his lap. Once he gets himself comfortable, head directly facing the ceiling and Martin, he quickly drifts off to sleep. Martin watches and admires the younger’s face while he sleeps, caressing his cheek with his hand as he soothes him while the younger is in slumber. 

The door swings open after a few minutes of comfortable silence, with Seonghyeon, Juhoon and James entering the dorm with shocked faces and warm hearts because of the sight they’re seeing on the couch. Keonho is still deep in slumber, while Martin’s hand continues to be his emotional support that lays by the cheek. 

Seonghyeon is the first to speak. “So, what happened this time?” The difference is, he’s smiling instead of sighing in disappointment.

“I’m courting him.” Martin simply admits, his thumb moving gently on the latter’s cheek.

“Good thing you basically forgot what I said yesterday, then.” Juhoon comments in a sarcastic manner, earning a laugh from the rest.

“We’ll talk tomorrow, I’m also tired.” James timidly walks to his bedroom, a click echoing as soon as the door swings.

“Put him to bed.” Seonghyeon simply says, to which Martin only nods.

 Nothing needs to be rushed anymore.

They’re okay, that’s all they need to know for now.

Everything has gotten brighter ever since that night.

Keonho seems to get more comfortable with Martin and their relationship so far, and nothing is fake anymore — just genuine feelings that can finally be let loose after years of being locked away from the world. The teasing and playful banter would get the other three to laugh when the paperwork seems to still be in the way of obtaining world peace. They all get Keonho to love himself more than before, and get him to accept himself without holding back because they’ll be there to protect him anywhere he goes. Keonho and Martin can now seek each other’s warmth without feeling wrong about wanting it. Keonho, slowly but surely, would come to realize that the world may be more colorful than he thinks. 

Keonho would retract his hand from Martin sometimes out of instinct whenever someone would go up to talk to them, and he would still be scared at other people staring at them and feeling like they’re saying something behind his back. Of course, the four of them help him through it. James teaches him something that prevents his brain from thinking about things that don’t exist, Juhoon dumps a kind of reassurance that makes him giggle, Martin would be cuddling him and tell him the most poetic words that he’s forced to accept because Martin says he is, and Seonghyeon talks him out the most seriously but is the most proudest he’ll ever be each time they do. 

“Look at that,” James casually says. “Kim and Nate are together.”

Seonghyeon and Juhoon look at a distance, passing Keonho and Martin.

Martin squints, tilting his head sideways. “Thought they hated each other?”

“The more you hate, the more you love I guess.” Seonghyeon shrugs, taking a bite off his sandwich. 

“Finally, they act as if tension never existed whenever they fought.” Juhoon sighs, his expression neutral.

Keonho turns to take a look. 

Holding hands.

Sharing looks.

Kiss on the cheek.

While they’re in the cafeteria where anyone could be watching. 

It looks so easy for them. They look unbothered by the attention and are immersed in their own little world. 

Keonho stares for a bit longer than he planned, observing every move they make with an audience that looks like they’ll bite any second. 

But they laugh, they enjoy it, and they support it. 

Keonho has never seen anything like it.

“Is it that easy?” He blurts out, speaking to himself more than the others. 

All four have already been watching Keonho the moment he turned, and wait as Martin makes the next move.

“You’re already doing great,”

Martin holds onto Keonho’s hand from the space between them. 

“don’t worry.”

Keonho stares for a while.

A blink.

He nods and turns back to them, looking at him attentively.

He looks down at his tray.

“That would feel good someday.”

Proud eyes surround him. 

Keonho and Martin would soon get a lot more comfortable three months later. 

The words of affirmation weren’t needed anymore. The hand retraction would have lesser occurrences. Keonho would feel more content with what he has now and has decided to keep taking it slow and let the world unfold for them itself. No one is rushing them, nor is anyone judging them for being who they are. No longer would there be eyes that shoot shards that poison another. No longer would there be a sense of uneasiness in him because he knows Martin would still be there. All four of them would. 

“Martin?”

The owner of said name looked up from his desk.

Keonho’s face peeks from the door. He lets himself in after a few seconds. 

Martin hum, calling him over to his lap. “Come here, baby.” He gently pats the space Keonho would immediately occupy gladly.

Martin firmly grabs onto Keonho’s waist after he sits down. Keonho then buries his face on the crook of Martin’s neck, embracing him tightly as the other reciprocates it. 

“Are you okay, baby?” Martin asks while caressing the other’s head.

“I feel happy.” His voice muffles against Martin’s shoulder.

Martin hums, “That’s good. I’m proud of you, baby.”

Keonho would giggle and Martin would melt.

And Keonho quietly realized once again,

They’re going to be fine.

Keonho admittedly liked grey clouds more than sunny skies. 

The grey clouds gave him shade, they didn’t give him a hard time when looking, and he didn’t feel exposed and burnt under it. Keonho didn’t like how the sun covered his skin painfully, needing to take cover, and being unable to touch objects that have been heated under the sunlight for too long. They grey skies did not necessarily mean bad things — sometimes it meant that taking cover was the solution to peace that people look for. Everything is lifeless, dull, and full of nothingness that wouldn’t bother him at all.

But grey skies usually meant rain. And although they usually don’t pour whenever he admires it, it would happen eventually. The grey skies, sadly, wouldn’t be there forever. He didn’t like the sun because it exposed him raw and bare. He didn’t like that, one bit. 

But now, he skips along parks under the heat because everything is much brighter and colorful. The world looks more cheerful when the sun covers vast areas that would put the spotlight on the bright smiles of kids running around the slides, the couples that would hold hands and look at each other like they’re certain eternity is waiting for them, and for families that feel content with what they have. After coming out to his friends and Martin, Keonho has become more bright himself — which affects how he views the world. He had never seen the world so great that he feels good living another day. 

And he’s glad he is still sharing it with Martin a year later. 

Keonho takes a deep breath,

lets go of Martin’s hand,

and stops in his tracks.

Martin, who’s just one step ahead, stops and turns back. 

He looks at Keonho in confusion, his eyebrows drawing a line.

“Baby?” He simply asks, calling out to him softly. 

Keonho’s heart jumps joyfully.

“The world, after what happened one year ago, seems to be more lively.” Keonho starts.

Martin just listens attentively, standing still in his place while his eyes stay on the other pair.

“Years ago, I thought that wouldn’t be possible. I thought that I would never see the world like.. this, before.” Keonho looks around, and Martin follows. Martin immediately goes back to admiring Keonho, a smile slowly forming on his lips. 

Keonho laughs, “Looking back, it felt lonely. Dull. Boring.” 

Keonho sighs, then continues. “But, I’m glad I gave the world another chance. There are so many more things to do when you see beyond what you’re able to.”

Keonho’s smile grows wider. “It feels like everything in my life is complete now. I have everything I wanted, and even more than just that.”

Keonho’s smile shrinks, but it’s more sentimental. “Except for one.”

Martin’s eyes narrow, face filled with worry. “What is it, baby?” He steps closer. “Tell me, please.”

Keonho lets him get closer until the distance is just right. 

“I love you.”

Martin freezes in his place, his breath unable to escape his throat. His eyes are wide in shock, and he looks at Keonho in disbelief, hoping this isn’t a dream.

When Keonho leans in to connect their lips together, the answer is loud and clear. 

They melt into the kiss — taking in the soft, comforting, and warm feeling of each other’s touch that wraps their bodies with assurance they’re glad to feel. Martin holds onto Keonho’s waist, grabbing firmly as he holds onto the other’s lips for just a bit longer. Keonho's arms naturally lay around Martin’s neck. Keonho leans slightly backward as Martin continues to chase his lips with wanting and loving. 

They finally let go, sparing time for catching breaths that will support their voices when they will speak again.

“You’re the only one left, Martin. You’ll be completing the life I had only wanted because you started coming into it when it was nothing but lonely cries.”

Martin’s heart beats faster and louder, feeling the thump in his chest. 

“This means a yes, Martin. We’re official.”

Keonho giggles when he sees Martin’s stunned reaction. When he asks if this is all real, Keonho will immediately say yes and giggle again. 

They lean in for another kiss. 

No one is watching them do all this. 

If anyone was, Keonho wouldn’t care anymore.

This is all he ever wanted.

They separate for a second.

“You deserve sunshine, Keonho.”

Keonho smiles softly.

“Thank you for giving it to me, Martin.”

And they lean back in.

He finally has sunshine.

He finally has Martin.

They couldn’t be bothered by anything else anymore.

Because their reason is right there, forever theirs to want over and over again.