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“I feel like it could sound a lot better. Like, the words could be reordered for better…” Kevin moves his hand in a wavelike motion, trying to think of a word to match the action, “Flow!”
“So, if I maybe took this part out?” Axel draws pencil marks around a small section of the text in his hands.
“No, it’s fine, but that sentence is very… In bits… It ruins the flow.” It’s funny to Kevin that he’s giving advice to Axel on the text when he can’t even think of the words to constructively criticise, or describe what he means.
“Okay, so how about this…?” And Axel begins to read, aloud, the next few paragraphs, stopping frequently to ask Kevin if it sounded alright. If it “flows” better one way or another.
Jakob, watching the whole scene from the kitchen, tries to push down his jealously. Oh, he knows he’s jealous. Kevin in Axel’s lap, long legs stretched beyond the end of the sofa, looking up at him while they read over his manuscript together. Axel stroking Kevin’s soft, perfect hair with one hand, and holding his manuscript in the other.
Jakob isn’t entirely sure who he was most jealous of. He never gets asked about how this paragraph sounds, or what word to use here or there. Kevin’s soft hair is never in his lap… And is only under his hands when he’s tugging on it… He wants soft moments like this.
Bathed in the yellowish glow of the free-standing lamp – IKEA’s finest – the two of them reflect a golden haze that seems to brighten the entire space. Kevin’s hair looks lighter than usual, as does Axel’s, but his moustache looks darker somehow. The whole scene looks so cosy – and he’d suggest changing out the lamp for candles, putting a fire on, and baking them some sweet treats instead, if it didn’t feel insanely jealous, and extremely left out. There’s not even a space for him on the sofa. He’ll have to balance on the sofa arm… Sit on Kevin’s legs… That’ll break them.
Anything he does will break them - Kevin and Axel that is…
“Hey! I wanna hear it too!” before Jakob can properly process the words, he’s already said them.
They’re already out, hanging in the air, low and heavy. Like a massive dark cloud, threatening to thunder and rain on their cosy postcard. He gulps as he looks over at the two of them. Kevin’s looking at him with a thin, soft smile that’s near unreadable, and Axel is smiling? Was that a smile under his thick moustache?
He brings three warm mugs over to the coffee table in front of them, and half smiles. He’s tempted to add a please, but Axel coughs, then restarts the paragraph they’ve all already heard. Jakob smiles, and sits where he stops – the other side of the coffee table. Legs crossed, eye and smile wide, he sighs.
Axel, using the hand previously messing Kevin’s hair, beckons him closer. Like a cat, he moves round and snuggles under Axel’s hand. He stops, sitting on his knees, between the sofa and the coffee table, by Axel’s legs. Axel’s hand is immediately in his hair. It’s being lightly stroked. He’d purr if he was that way inclined…
He, instead, hums, but too suddenly feels a pain of guilt for Kevin. He reaches his hand up to ruffle Kevin’s hair replacing Axel’s, but it’s not Axel’s…
Jakob doesn’t want to begin listing al the way he differs from Axel - how he’s a little more forceful, a little less soft, how their hands must feel different, how guitar strings have damaged them in differing ways, how he wants to ruffle and tug, while Axel gentle strokes - but his mind won’t let him think of anything else.
Kevin’s hair is soft, and his shampoo scent strong, but Jakob couldn’t tell you that.
He could tell you a thousand different ways his hand could not compare…
His hand.
Not him.
Just his hand.
Everything else is lost on him.
He tries to listen, tries to focus on Axel’s voice. He’s reading his newest novel. There are words freely flowing from his mouth, he’s probably putting on silly voices for the various characters too, but Jakob couldn’t tell you a single word he has said. Not one. There’s a storm in his head, that cloud he placed over the scene is his now – was before, and in the quiet of this cosiness, it’s the loudest voice, and the one he, unfortunately, pays all his attention to…
He feels winds of guilt, strong and gusting. Not ever present, but in waves that hit him again and again, like he’s struggling to walk uphill in a snowstorm. He has ruined Kevin’s little moment with Axel.
He thinks how perfect it would be to be bathed in Axel’s glow and blanketed in his warmth. How cosy he’d feel. Axel’s hand in his hair, as it is now, if he’d only focus his attention there, slowly stroking. His fringe in his eyes, but he’d be unbothered by that. How delightful it would be to be in Axel’s lap, like his cat, being rubbed and stroked, being warm and cosy. How he could breathe Axel in. How he would hold Axel’s script, so that Axel could put his other hand to better use (rubbing his tummy! You dirty minded pervert you!).
Just how wonderful it would be, and he’s stolen that from Kevin because he’s… Jealous?
He feels rains of jealously, ever present, because whatever he feels for Axel he is jealous of Kevin for once having, and whatever he feels for Kevin, he’s jealous of Axel for once having. It’s a loop; a mean and vicious cycle.
Having Kevin purring in his lap, soft hair under his fingers, Kevin looking up at him (for once!), that would be delightful, wonderful. He could finally give Kevin forehead kisses and ruffle his hair the fuck up for fun, but it’ll be cute for once and not fucking annoying. His beautiful eyes: what are colour are his eyes even?
Jakob’s favourite colour!
He should tell him that more often!
He could lose himself just looking at Kevin for hours.
And Kevin’s beautiful eyes would look at him like he’s the only one in the world. Like he’s worthy…
“And that’s all I’ve written.”
Axel yanks him out of his deep thoughts, and he’s left with this all rambling around his head, and he’s got, what feel like, a whole zoo in his stomach, and he’s blushing red a little…
He hopes there’s not a quiz, he’s not paid any attention to Axel: not to his words, his story, or his hand ruffling his hair. He had the moment he wanted and ruined it! His own thoughts! Couldn’t quieten his mind to live in the moment; he’s never quiet, he’s been told, and here it’s ruined his moment, after ruining Kevin and Axel’s too!
This is why he never gets asked to do these things! He’s an emotional wreck inside, and hoping his not showing on the outside.
Suddenly, extremely conscience, Jakob stands.
Axel reaches for his hand, and rubs his thumb over Jakob’s fingers.
“Jakob?” Axel looks up at him, “…Are you…?” But Axel doesn’t finish the question.
Jakob remains silent, and looks down. He might be whatever way Axel wanted to end that sentence. He might be jealous. He might be upset. He might be not okay…
But only in his own little head because he got what he wanted and is still not happy. He wasn’t feeling cosy and warm. He ruined a moment – both his own, and Kevin and Axel’s.
And got none of it…
Gave none of it…
“Jakob?” it’s Kevin.
Jakob knows he has to answer, and knows the truth, but…
Kevin also reaches out a hand to him.
Jakob is pulled forward, closer to the sofa, closer to the two of them.
Kevin sits up, and somehow doesn’t let go of Jakob’s hand. Jakob doesn’t see how he does it for he finds the gap between the sofa and coffee table the most interesting part of the carpet, and is mindlessly (happily) guided through it by Kevin. Kevin always guides him! He’s at a gap now created for him in the middle. He turns and sits, breaking hand contact with both. He remains silent throughout.
Once he’s sat, there’s a beat where nothing happens then suddenly Axel and Kevin both hug him. He’s squashed but cosy and warm… No, he isn’t.
Not yet.
Because it’s not the cosy and warm feeling he needs. He wriggles his arms out of the hug and places one around Kevin, and the other around Axel.
He doesn’t know what to say, where to go from here.
He feels incredibly bratty!
He’s literally broke up Kevin and Axel’s sweet, shared moment and here he still has an empty feeling…
But there’s love surrounding him.
He realises, with a too suddenness that hits him like the freight truck he couldn’t see through the storm he was battling - it’s because he doesn’t feel worthy of the love his friends have been too nice in greatly pouring it on him.
And the love is always poured on him.
He feels like he should speak. He should explain himself, at least. If he could find some words, he might. But nothing could excuse his bratty behaviour, his ridiculous jealousy, or any of the feelings inside him now. He doesn’t want to speak through fear he’ll just cry instead, thus proving he really is a brat.
“I-I’m sorry!” he’s on the edge of tears. All the work to try and keep it all in, gone. Axel and Kevin somehow able to break down his barriers and just get this information out of him…
He’s expecting a, “You’ve got nothing to be sorry for!” but it doesn’t come. Kevin begins rubbing his back though, so it’s possibly close… Any second now…
But it’s Axel who asks; “Why?”
“I’ve ruined it!”
“Ruined what?”
“This!” Jakob’s hand rapidly moves between Kevin and Axel, pointer finger raised.
Axel chuckles a little, and Jakob looks at him confused.
“Nah, you added to it!” Kevin decides, “In a good way,” he adds when Jakob turns to him, face still questioning, and he moves forward to place a small kiss on Jakob’s damp, red cheek.
“H-How? I’ve…” Jakob looks between the two of them, “I’ve separated you two!” He looks down at his knees, brushing between Axel and Kevin’s knees, “Literally!”
“That’s your place!” Kevin happily confirms. “It’s where you go, always! In the middle – every photo, every interview, on stage... Everywhere! You belong in the middle!” Jakob flashes a too brief smile at him. “But KJA doesn’t have the same ring to it…” Kevin adds laughing.
Jakob wants to point to all the physical evidence that clearly shows that is not the case at all. But he’s not willing to undermine Kevin’s point because he knows it should not be taken at face value like that, knows Kevin is trying to make a more romantic point of sorts.
Axel confirms it by kissing his other cheek, and nodding.
The middle is Jakob’s spot.
Jakob’s place.
And no one would dream of taking that.
They are all happy to have that be, and always so, Jakob’s!
“And we… We all like it that way… …Or we did… Until you”, Kevin leans forward and searches Jakob’s face, “just decided, now?! That you… don’t?” Kevin raises his eyebrows and keeps them there. Jakob slowly nods. He lets out a breath, in a failed bid to help him find time to function and get his words and thoughts in order.
“I just… You were so cosy!”
“We’re cosier now!” Axel snuggles into his neck, and Jakob tries not to giggle (he’s ticklish there!).
“But I ruined everything!”
“Improve it!”
“Even if it doesn’t need improving?!” Jakob’s incredulous.
“Anything can be improved with a Jakob!” Kevin’s smile is bright; there’s laughter in his voice.
Jakob remains unconvinced.
Kevin sighs, “Jakob?” he says, tone serious, “You are so creative. You take an idea and improve it!” he says in earnest.
“No, that’s you Kevin!” Jakob replies immediately, “That’s what you do! That’s what you always do. I give you an idea. We give you an idea, and the next time we speak about it, it has a title, and a melody, and lyrics. That’s what you do!”
“You are so creative though, Jakob!” It’s Axel. His tone is matter-of-fact, “You give Kevin those ideas in the first place. Kevin can’t make a masterpiece without the paint you provide. And you give him every colour to work with.”
“And every size of paintbrush,” Kevin offers with head tilt and an eyebrow high.
Jakob stutters, “Stop with the painting analogy already!” he sighs.
“The point is,” Axel says, “You are so creative! You’ve even written a book!”
“Just one, and it’s a simple children’s book!” Jakob sighs heavily, near repeating Axel’s joke back at him.
“But you wrote it!” Axel’s firm. Jakob says nothing. He’s already tried to argue he’s not creative. He decides he’s proving it by not coming up with another rebuttal. But he’s only proving that to himself. Kevin and Axel’s minds are clearly made up, and he cannot change them.
“It’s harder to write a children’s book”, Kevin decides after a beat, and Jakob feels Axel nod beside him. He turns to give Axel a questioning look, before Kevin continues, “Much harder to find the right words to match the theme for a child to understand,” he muses.
“You are so creative!” Axel repeats, and he squeezes Jakob. “You come up with the best dances, and are the best dancer of the group!” It’s Kevin’s turn to nod.
“And the funniest!” he adds.
“I just have the loudest laugh!”
“No, you have an infectious laugh, and smile,” Axel corrects.
“I miss it,” Kevin says so quietly, Jakob’s not sure if he should have heard it. He turns, and offers Kevin a small, thin, tight smile. Kevin sighs; it’s not the smile he wanted to see, but it’s lovely to see Jakob smiling again, in a way.
“You want to what know my favourite thing about you is?” Kevin asks. Jakob shakes his head; he’s not ready to hear this, any of it. It’s all too much. He doesn’t deserve it, but Kevin continues anyway, “You’re so in tune with us. Emotionally. You’re always the first to celebrate our wins, or commiserate our looses. You’re always so…”
“Compassionate” Axel says.
“Compassionate!” Kevin repeats, with a point towards Axel.
“Thoughtful?” Axel offers.
“Gracious?”
“Benevolent?”
“You’re pushing it,” Jakob mumbles.
Kevin laughs, “You just know what support we need and when!”
“Again! That’s you, Kevin! Like I can just turn to you with the microphone and you’d take it and sing all my parts when I couldn’t,”
Kevin sighs again, “Like you for I” he says, and he pats Jakob’s back. Jakob would absolutely do the same for him, or Axel, in a heartbeat.
Kevin knows this.
Axel know this.
Even Jakob knows this.
He’s just refusing to hear it.
“You’re the best kisser!” Kevin adds causally. And when Jakob turns to him face questioning the sudden tonal shift, Kevin continues, “That we can prove right now!”
Jakob blushes and looks down trying to hide from Kevin’s soft gaze. Jakob doesn’t need to look up at Kevin to know he has his eyebrows raised, but he does, and confirms what he already knew would be the case. He flashes Jakob a grin, almost daring him to protest. Jakob looks into Kevin’s soft blue eyes, and feels himself melting; such is the hold Kevin has on him. He tries not to sigh as he knows there’s no other way to prove Kevin right or wrong.
He nods, and moves the small distance between them. Kevin’s so gentle and soft with him, just like his words have been. Jakob tastes the coffee he never saw Kevin drink, faintly on his breath. He feels Kevin grinning against his lips as he pulls back. He reconnects their lips, never satisfied with just one taste of Kevin.
“No, that’s still you!” Jakob giggles as he pulls back.
“No!” Kevin starts. “I’m sure it’s you…” He looks like he’s thinking about something and moves forwards so he can nod to Axel, “Axel?”
Jakob willingly turns to Axel, and allows Axel to capture his bottom lip. Axel’s kiss differs from Kevin’s, but he’s still soft and gentle with Jakob.
Jakob can feel the love in both their kisses. He can feel the kindness in their soft approaches; the way they are both so gentle with him because that’s what he needs just now. He can sense their tenderness, but also their passion.
The fire they have burning for him.
He can feel their warmth in the way they both linger around his mouth when pulling back to take a breath.
He can sense their love.
He knows they love him.
And he doesn’t need words.
They make it known.
They make him feel it.
And he can feel it.
“Inconclusive!” Axel grins under his moustache, as he pulls back, and Jakob’s about to lean forward and kiss him again, when Kevin shouts from somewhere behind him;
“I’ll be the base line!” he volunteers.
Jakob laughs, but the sight of Kevin and Axel kissing inches from his face stops him. He’ll never tire of this view. They kiss each other like they kissed him, despite there being little need to be as gentle and tender with each other as they were with him.
“Okay,” Kevin breathes loud enough for Jakob to hear, “Now,” and he turns his head to Jakob, “try again!”
Jakob nods and moves forward into the space that Kevin just left, capturing Axel’s bottom lip this time. Jakob tries to be a little more forceful and passionate this time. But Axel’s conclusion is the same;
“Yeah, he’s the best kisser!”
“That’s you!” Jakob tries to protest. “Do you know how hot it is when you two kiss?”
“Or, it’s Kevin?” Axel says with a grin, and a flash of his eyebrows.
Kevin also flashes an eyebrow raise when Jakob turns to him.
“It’s…” Jakob panics realising that he could not possibly choose between Kevin and Axel. He has no choice but to concede he is the best kisser. There’s no way he is choosing between his two lovers. “It’s me then…” he says.
Kevin and Axel are grinning, near laughing at him.
“You guys are awful!” he starts. He looks between them, finding they're both giggling. Kevin with a hand up at his mouth, in that cute little way he does. Jakob starts to giggle too;
“Okay,” he sighs, “I’ll concede this one!” and he raises his pointer finger, “point!” He turns to Axel and Kevin, and finds them both still laughing. He has a sudden feeling like he might have fallen into a trap set by the two of them. A little quieter he adds, “I’m still not the best at all the other things…”
“Ah, that doesn’t matter!” Kevin decides.
“We can work on that later,” Axel agrees.
“We got him to smile and laugh again,” Kevin says like Jakob isn’t sat between them, and he playfully nudges Jakob’s shoulder with his own.
“I’ll also concede the middle is the best spot,” he says as he turns again to Axel, and then to Kevin. The middle is only spot he can feel both of their touches on him. It’s the only spot where their heat radiates to him. The only spot where he can reach both of them, and both of them can reach him, and each other. It’s also the best spot to watch them kiss.
Kevin pulls him into a hug. “Your spot!” he whispers. Jakob’s not yet willing to concede that point either, but he can feel the love Kevin and Axel pour on him. It beats through him, like his heartbeat; consistent, ever present, keeping him alive. It flows through him like red blood in veins of blue. And he is warmed by that.
That or the fact that Kevin has pressed their bodies so closely together, so tightly, that you couldn’t pass an atom between them. He lets out a contented sigh. He feels it now; cosy.
“Can you tell me all the things you like about me again?” he asks, voice small and soft. He might be finally ready to hear them all this time. He might be finally ready to accept some of them. He might be starting to feel worthy of the praise and the love he receives.
“We can show you?” Axel offers, and Jakob doesn’t need to turn to him to know his eyes have darkened, smile widened, and has an eyebrow raise. But he does anyway, and Jakob giggles when he confirms it.
“Only if I get to be in the middle!”