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You have no respect, anyway, for your chest and the things inside it. That jolt like you plunged into the lake, that sinking feeling settling like the bitter aftertaste of apple core— you’d rip them out of you in a heartbeat if you could. The deep brown wood and tiled walls hardly register as you turn your face. You are so audacious, aren’t you? The audacity of you to want more, when you already have this much, when you definitely didn’t do anything to earn it, when she’s still pretending she doesn’t know what you’ve done, when you hear her talk about Her laugh and Her smile. One day spent together at the festival and suddenly it’s all about Her. Of course it is. Don’t be stupid. She’s Noelle.
You were at that date too. The two of them won’t call it that. They brought you along so they could still pretend it wasn’t, if they needed. But it’s true. Maybe they would call it that, now. With a bit of pushing.
You are happy for them. Susie is— it’s sweet that she doesn’t know what to do with herself, with this gift. And this is all Noelle has wanted for so long.
Your shoulder aches, as it has been for a while. Your legs, your arm, your head. Your chest. You look at her, listening quietly.
Susie is insecure. She says it won’t work. She thinks she’s bad. She’s one of the most wonderful people you have ever met. No, the most.
She stops kicking her feet in the water to listen and she still doesn’t hear you mumble that she and Noelle will work out.
You are the bad one. You don’t know if they will work out. You want them to. They are so happy together. They love each other so much it spoils your teeth. Usually you love sweets. That hasn’t changed. But you know there’s another part of you nestled in that rotten chest of yours. One that wouldn’t really mind if they didn’t work out.
Not so you could swoop in and steal the spotlight. At least if that was why, you could say it was for love’s sake. You could pretend to still be noble. But you know you wouldn’t feel opportunity if they didn’t work out. Just relief. Just a bit of ease to your tension.
You aren’t wanted like that, you already know. And it’d be wrong, if you were.
Maybe they probably will work out. Since they both want it so bad. Want each other. You want them to be together. You really do. And your chest twanging, again, like the strings of a guitar, doing whatever it well pleases.
You’re not stupid, you yell, because you want to shock it out of her, and you want to shock it out of yourself. If what she feels is anything like what you… have felt, you want to deflect it, send it away— anything. Poof it with magic you don’t have.
She is confiding in you. You will not ruin this.
“Kris, did you ever… like anybody?”
Antlers.
A room like a refrigerator.
Bat.
Pastel cyan.
Guitar strumming.
The howling wind making your ears pop.
Sunset walks to nextdoor sleepovers.
Hot chocolate.
Headband.
Piano, plonking.
Checkered sweater.
Tattered jacket.
The chill raising goosebumps on your skin.
Purple bruises.
Yellow pointed teeth.
Aching head. Your lip, wobbling.
Pretty eyes.
Fur and warmth on your skin.
Grumpy frown in a frilly dress at the pageant.
Ballots. Wailing at the festival.
Wicked lick of a guitar. You licking it with your tongue in misinterpretation.
Raucous laughter.
Alligators in bikinis.
Horror movies.
Playing pretend.
Craning your neck up at the night sky.
Teasing, giggling.
Poorly skipped rocks at the lake.
Sitting, at the lake.
Your cheeks heating up red.
Hand in tiny hand.
Ketchup pranks.
Ferris wheel.
Buck teeth.
A smile that could light up the darkness.
A promise.
…
You feel lightheaded.
She laughs and tells you not to be embarrassed. She makes it sound so simple. She makes everything feel simple. When your head is spinning and aching, when you can’t see in front of you in the dark, through your narrowed vision, between your bangs, and you look at her, you suddenly feel alright again. You feel like you can see. You want to leave everything to her.
You will be a good friend to her as long as you possibly can.
“Sometimes it’s just nice knowing… you’ve gone through it too.”
You keep staring at the wall, even when Ralsei calls the two of you. Strangely, your chest only feels hollow, now.