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Moving in with Neil felt different than Andrew would have expected. There wasn't anything wrong, in fact, their relationship had been much smoother since getting the apartment.
Neil loved it; Andrew could tell the second he had put down the first overflowing box. His eyes were bright and Andrew saw him constantly biting the inside of his cheek. Neil would never admit it, of course not, but he didn't need to for Andrew to see how happy it made him. That being said Andrew felt like he was collapsing from the inside out.
It wasn't Neil's fault and Andrew knew Neil would say it wasn't his either, it was just how it was. He had been trying hard, but there were just some things he couldn't shake.
Sometimes the thought of coming home made him want to throw up, his mind racing about possibilities of Neil being missing, of there being someone neither of them knew about finally catching up with him. Or a note on the fridge and his key on the counter. He would maybe bring it up to Bee when he called her later on in the week. Or delay it another week and then a week after that. The latter seemed more accurate to Andrew's character.
He had parked the car and seen the light to their living room on through the cracks in the drawn curtains. He smiled, thinking Neil had fallen asleep waiting for him like he usually did when Andrew went out. He remembered his hand around Neil's wrist and Neil's startled look in the dorm after Kathy's shit show all those years ago; there was no more rabbit, there was just them.
The steady hum of the heat was the first thing Andrew heard as he unlocked the apartment, followed by the TV on a low volume projecting to an empty couch. He felt a bit tense, shrugging off his coat and leaving it hanging by the door, but tried to push the uncertainty out of his mind as he made his way down the hall. He opened their bedroom door as quietly as he could and let out a small breath of relief when he saw Neil asleep, strewn across the bed. The curtains were wide open and moonlight was streaming through, illuminating his face.
Andrew pulled off his shirt and his pants as he walked over to his side, trying not to make a sound and failing.
“Drew?”
“Hey, sorry I'm late.”
Neil rolled over to face him and struggled to keep his eyes open.
“Mmmh. I missed you.”
“Shut up.”
Neil managed a shit eating grin despite his tiredness and held his arms slightly open. Andrew sat down and laid beside him, letting himself be pulled to Andrew's chest.
They laid in silence for a few minutes and just as Andrew was falling asleep, Neil's voice filled the otherwise silent room.
“You're tense.”
“Didn't know you were deciding to pursue a career in journalism.”
Andrew regretted saying it after it had already come out of his mouth. It was hard to accept concern without deflecting it into immediate defense. Or so Bee said.
“I'm being serious.”
Andrew turned around to face him. There was concern in Neil's eyes but also an understanding that only they would get. He loved seeing Neil like that usually, feeling like he was the only person who could really read Neil. It made him feel more real in a sense.
“I know. I'm sorry. I've just been a little stressed.”
Andrew hoped maybe Neil would just chalk it up to stress about moving in, given it had been fairly recent. His unimpressed look suggested not.
“Andrew.”
He decided to press a kiss on Neil's neck instead of answering, offering up a small hum.
“Sometimes I feel like you won't be here when I get home.”
Andrew didn't move out of the crook of Neil's neck to see what his face looked like at his words. He held his breath and screwed his eyes shut.
“What do you mean?”
“I don't know, it's just an irrational thought process type thing. Just forget I said anything.”
Neil pulled away so Andrew would have to look at him. He hated when Neil did that.
“Can you try and explain it?”
He took a moment to try and convey his thoughts. He hated doing this more than anything else, and he would pay any amount of money for the circumstances of the rest of his life to allow him to never have to do it again.
“It's just- now that we have this place, it feels less permanent, and I know it should feel the opposite but I don't know why it doesn't. It's like, it's too good to be true.”
Andrew breathed out slowly after admitting to what Neil had wanted to hear, and felt Neil's hands come up behind his back to pull him in so he wouldn't have to look at Neil again. Andrew was ever so eternally grateful.
“I'm sorry, Drew. I get it, I really do. Sometimes I feel like I didn't really escape it. Maybe that's how you feel too, sometimes I don't really know. I just want you to know, and I hope you do know-”
“That you wouldn't leave me, I get it.”
Neil huffed out a breath, and Andrew quickly turned around so his back was to him again. Neil wrapped his arms around him again and pressed his head into his neck.
“I'd never leave you, Andrew, ever. I'd even haunt you from beyond the grave and leave lights on and faucets running.”
“Leave it to you to be an asshole ghost”, Andrew grumbled as he relaxed into Neil's touch and began to close his eyes.
Neil leaned closer and kissed the back of his neck before grabbing at Andrew's waist to make him turn over. He did and Neil immediately kissed him, a bit harder than he probably meant to given the darkness. That continued on for what Andrew could guess was maybe 10 minutes. He already felt considerably more relaxed than when he got into bed. Neil pulled away and looked at Andrew, his bleary eyes focusing on his.
“I'm never going to leave you.”
A younger Andrew would most likely have gagged and pretended he was above it all, but Neil's words only comforted him more.
“I love you.”
“I love you too, Drew.”