Archive of Our Own

Cheng Xiaoshi was having a bit of a predicament lately. But it was one he was pretty sure he couldn’t go to anyone else about, because he knew what everyone else’s answer would be.

But what if the answer wasn’t that obvious conclusion people typically thought of? What did they know about his feelings? He rotated back and forth between saying and not saying something, creating imaginary debate partners in his brain and trying out different arguments. In many of them, he envisioned himself losing terribly. 

He was at least self-aware that he wasn’t good at making a sound argument. Someone like Lu Guang would probably be better at that, considering he dipped himself into his books all day.

Maybe those faceless debaters swarming his head were right. 

But maybe they were stupid!

Either way, he definitely couldn’t go to Lu Guang about this, could he? That means that he was left with… very few options, honestly. Actually, only one: Qiao Ling. And the three of them were pretty tight, so that made everything much more difficult.

What if he offset the balance of their entire friend group, and both Lu Guang and Qiao Ling decided to leave him? No, he couldn’t say anything. He couldn’t.

“Hey, Cheng Xiaoshi! Don’t think too hard, or you might hurt yourself,” he heard his sister call over from the other side of the couch, as though summoned by his wandering thoughts. He looked towards the sound and saw her dark gray eyes boring holes into his sides, and he immediately looked away again.

He had to be careful not to look her in the eyes. She was scarily good at reading people.

“Shut up,” Cheng Xiaoshi retorted in reply, feeling a bit embarrassed at being caught as he stared back at his game console. It had been idling on the menu for fifteen minutes now, a cheery tune playing from the speakers.

“Y’know,” Qiao Ling began speaking, in a way that let Cheng Xiaoshi know he was already done for, “you’ve been a bit quieter than usual these days. Anything up?”

Cheng Xiaoshi felt himself hesitate as Qiao Ling’s voice dipped into something softer. He knew that, with all the arguing the two did, she never judged him for anything he confided in her. After all, she had been his sole friend for many years.

But he wasn’t ready to be direct about it yet. Not when he himself didn’t know what was happening.

Maybe I'll try a different approach…? He was certainly going to regret this.

“Have you ever… uhm.” He paused mid-sentence. He felt like a teenager. While Qiao Ling wasn’t like the people he knew at university, he still feared she would take it the wrong way. “Have you had… crushes before?”

Qiao Ling raised her eyebrows in mild surprise. It was clear that the question came out of left field from anything she was anticipating him to ask. Which made sense, considering Cheng Xiaoshi looked like he’d been nearing his deathbed a few minutes prior.

Cheng Xiaoshi was even more surprised, however, at how seriously Qiao Ling answered. He was convinced she would make fun of him for asking so pathetically, like he wasn’t a grown adult, and would inevitably pry information out of him. Something in a mocking or teasing way, like “Does Cheng Xiaoshi have a crush?” or “Who’s the lucky guy or girl?”

What people usually said in situations like these.

“No, never actually,” she responded plainly, her eyes looking to the distance as though remembering something. She placed down the phone she’d been holding, a finger fiddling with her hair. “Well, you know this. I don't have any interest in dating. Although it depends on what you mean by that.”

“Huh?” Cheng Xiaoshi mumbled, brows furrowing. “What I mean by… what?”

“The word crush. And dating too, I guess. I don’t feel the things I’ve heard people mention back at university. Honestly, I found what they talked about kinda weird and gross.” Qiao Ling shuddered a little. “And yes, including those friends of yours from our first year. As much as you tried to defend them back then.” She made air quotes around the word friends as she said it.

There it was: the classic Qiao Ling jab. He had been wondering who had replaced her sister for a second. He sheepishly ducked his head in reply.

Cheng Xiaoshi had always been a bit more desperate for validation than others. He could admit that. It was usually Qiao Ling who brought him back to the ground and told him not to take people for granted or trust them so blindly.

He was just scared of being alone. He’d gotten more secure with himself these days (or at least, as secure as he could get, since he just had a meltdown about the two leaving him behind), but he knew his worth better than before. Lu Guang, admittedly, had been an embarrassingly significant half of that progress, and Qiao Ling was the other half, a dependable childhood friend who never gave up on him.

“Either way, though,” Qiao Ling continued, thankfully surpassing the topic, “there are different ways to love others… or at least, that’s what I’ve always thought.” 

Cheng Xiaoshi had never seen anyone talk about it like that before.

“So, just making sure I get it,” Cheng Xiaoshi started hesitantly, suddenly feeling nervous, “but a crush doesn’t have to be like… y’know.” He was so eloquent with words.

In truth, Cheng Xiaoshi wasn’t sure if he had a crush before. That was what scared him more about this situation, because he didn't have anything to compare it to.

Qiao Ling seemed to pick up what he was trying to say. “Basically, yeah. Crushes don’t have to be romantic. Although personally, I don't like calling them crushes. Since I wouldn’t say I have those, but…” She trailed off a little. “You can love people without labeling it like that. Or at all, if you’d like.”

“But don’t people want relationships?” Cheng Xiaoshi asked, feeling a bit lost. “What if I’m just—” Whoops. He almost let it slip that this was about him… although part of him knew he wasn’t fooling Qiao Ling. He backtracked, trying to decenter himself. “What if the other person doesn’t think the same way?”

His original concern was whether or not he had accidentally led his best friend on for three years, largely because he "acted weird". And said things that could be taken the wrong way. (Alongside another concern that was eating away at him, but he still didn’t want to admit, even to his brain.) It sounded insane, and Lu Guang showed no signs of caring about romance, but you never knew, right?

Qiao Ling hummed a little. “I worried about that myself… well, I still do. I haven’t met someone important like that yet. But there’s nothing wrong with trying to talk things out, especially if you trust them.”

Cheng Xiaoshi did trust Lu Guang. Maybe a little too much, considering the information he omitted from their missions to the point that it aggravated him. The one with Chen Xiao was still a sore topic, even though it happened a month ago.

But Lu Guang understood his weak spots, maybe even better than he did. 

Cheng Xiaoshi was about to ask what she meant by “someone important like that”, but before he could, he stiffened when he heard the familiar patter of slow steps down the staircase. 

Shit. As much as he’d been vague in his conversation with Qiao Ling (he did not want her to tease him about this), he really didn’t want Lu Guang to hear any of it. He panicked as he got up from the couch in a hurry, trying to think up an excuse to flee to the darkroom on their off day. Anything to get out of there as soon as possible.

Qiao Ling looked at him in bewilderment. “Hey, why’d you stand up like that?” She paused when she also saw Lu Guang coming down the set of stairs, and her eyes widened as though processing something.

And then she had the nerve to smirk at Cheng Xiaoshi. He suddenly felt like getting into a fight. What did that mean? And just when he thought she was being weirdly kind.

“I’m gonna go get something to eat for us all. I've gotta go out soon, anyway. I’ll be back!” Qiao Ling sang as she got up, but not without some last parting words as she picked up her phone from the coffee table. “Just text me if you need anything, Cheng Xiaoshi. We’ll talk more later, okay?”

She patted him on the head like he was a child, making him swat her hand back as the two got into a mini tussle. It ended with her flicking his forehead, finally making him pull back as Lu Guang descended into the sunroom. 

Qiao Ling waved goodbye to them before scurrying out. Lu Guang held up a hand in response, slightly confused.

“Why did she leave so fast?” Lu Guang asked him as Cheng Xiaoshi awkwardly tried to look very invested in his game again, repositioning himself on the couch.

“Dunno,” he muttered, while trying to ignore the pins and needles he was feeling as Lu Guang sat next to him.

“...Your game console is dead.” Lu Guang looked at him weirdly, and Cheng Xiaoshi once again stared a bit past his friend’s face to avoid confronting his swirling emotions as he responded.

“Oh. Right.” Of course it chose to die when he needed it most.

"But it's our day off…"

"And your debt doesn't disappear just because the photo studio isn't open," Lu Guang said squarely, glancing at his watch out of pure habit. "They're giving a good sum, and there's nothing dangerous from what I saw in the photos. We should be taking advantage of that."

"Fine," Cheng Xiaoshi grumbled, elongating the last syllable in a purposely annoying way. But then, his face twisted into a sly smile as he stared directly at Lu Guang, an idea coming to mind. He blinked his eyes multiple times as though it would help strengthen the appeal he was about to make, shifting closer to him.

The other looked back, already looking a bit exasperated as his grey eyes narrowed. His grip tightened on the photos he was holding. He knew what was coming. "What do you want, Cheng Xiaoshi?"

"You know, I've been listening to you pretty well these day—"

"No, you haven't," Lu Guang interrupted as he tried to move away, only for Cheng Xiaoshi to latch onto his arm. "You nearly messed up your last dive by punching that elderly man in the face."

Right. He nearly forgot about that. The client at that time was the stated man's 19-year-old granddaughter. He dove into a photograph she had taken about five years ago to locate an old family heirloom. However, that meant dealing with the incoherent ramblings of her grandfather, who she was with in the attic at the time.

Cheng Xiaoshi might have injected a bit too much of his own personal feelings into that dive after the man insulted the girl's parents.

"Okay, I fucked up one time," Cheng Xiaoshi relented (although he still thought he was in the right for doing so). "But other than that!"

Lu Guang managed to push the taller guy invading his precious space away from him at last, and Cheng Xiaoshi snickered at seeing his best friend looking a bit flustered at the close contact. He was a bit like a cat in how territorial he was, though he didn't fail to notice that Lu Guang never had the heart to push him completely away.

It was only after Cheng Xiaoshi threatened to lean into him again that Lu Guang finally heaved out a sigh of defeat. "Okay. I'll consider whatever it is you want if you do well on this dive. Deal?"

"Guangguang, thank you! I love you!" He was tempted to hug him again, but Lu Guang looked like he was about to start cursing at him from how frazzled he looked, so he gave him room. "I wanna go to that new restaurant that just opened. Qiao Ling's been talking all about it. You gotta treat me!"

"Just this once. But you'll owe me," Lu Guang remarked pointedly. "And you better not order anything too expensive. Back to the topic, though."

Lu Guang briefed him about the case: their client this time was a young woman named Cai Shihui, who looked around their age. She was looking for a postcard written by her best friend, Ying Mulin, from high school. It was the last thing she had from her, but Cai Shihui's house flooded a month later and destroyed the writing in it completely, the blue ink blurring to the point of obscurity.

Along with a meager three photos of the pair, the destroyed postcard was provided by the client. The front of the card was decorated with a floral pattern of asters, though the formerly vibrant colors had been diluted to a murky brown. The only hint of there being once-purple flowers was the edges of the card, where it wasn't water-stained.

"Qiao Ling said the postcard was something Ying Mulin told Cai Shihui she could only open on her 18th birthday, since she needed to move away. So she gave her the letter as an early gift. She never got to read it."

"Talk about unlucky," Cheng Xiaoshi said in a low voice, growing quiet as he stared at a photograph of the two best friends. Cai Shihui and Ying Mulin were sitting side by side in chairs, likely at an in-school event, with projects on the walls behind them. Cai Shihui, sporting messy short black hair, seemed rather reserved. She looked nervous, even though she was the one taking the picture. Ying Mulin had shoulder-length reddish-brown hair and was leaning into her side, throwing up two peace signs with a confident smile. Even from a still photo, anyone could tell her eyes were sparkling.

They seemed really close.

"Unfortunately, we only have photos from Cai Shihui," Lu Guang continued, glancing at him from the side when he saw Cheng Xiaoshi staring intently at the photo. He then turned back. "We'll be starting with that photo. You will receive the envelope Ying Mulin gives you after the event, and then when you get home, you'll open it and read the postcard. I'll record everything that's there on paper."

Cheng Xiaoshi grinned as he threw an arm over the back of the couch, using the other to place the photo back on the table. "Sounds pretty easy! Wonton soup, here I come."

"There's one more thing, Cheng Xiaoshi." He gave the other an exasperated look as he said the words, until Cheng Xiaoshi finally straightened his posture under the intensity of his gaze. "You need to carefully open and reseal the envelope as if you didn't read it before you go. It might alter a node if Cai Shihui broke her promise and saw the contents after you left. I'll guide you in refastening the seal, and then you'll leave."

"Wait, is it one of those wax seals?" Of course, it wasn't that easy. When was it ever? He pouted a little as he started running through all the things he might fuck up. "Oh god. I'm definitely gonna break it."

Lu Guang brought a hand to his face, unsuccessfully trying to hide the small smile that had crossed his expression. Cheng Xiaoshi had been noticing it more these days, though, and he felt a weird feeling constrict inside of him at seeing light amusement glowing in his grey eyes.

He liked seeing him smile. He wished he did it more, and it made his gaze softer than it usually was.

But then he suddenly felt like he was doused with ice-cold water as he processed the feeling, and a wave of repulsion hit him afterward. Okay. Is it weird that I feel like that towards him? He quickly discarded his thoughts before he could spiral over the foreign sensation, which was only adding to his worries from earlier today.

"That's why we're going to make sure you're ready before the real thing," Lu Guang said as he got up to take out materials from another manila envelope lying on the table: a couple of empty letters that were already closed with wax seals. Cheng Xiaoshi's inner turmoil melted as it was replaced with a new one, and he sent his best friend an anguished look.

"You're making me practice?!" he cried as he gazed forlornly at the envelopes in front of him. Lu Guang was smirking a little as he also placed a small knife for opening the seal with the supplies. Cheng Xiaoshi glared at him in response. "I didn't know we had homework for diving now."

"It's for our rules. We're not doing the dive until you get it right without breaking it. Let's start."

"I don't like you, Lu Guang."

"Sure," Lu Guang said in a nonchalant tone, although his eyes were silently saying I don't believe you in a smug, almost challenging manner.

Well, unfortunately, Lu Guang was right. That perfectionistic jerk.

It took thirteen tries for Cheng Xiaoshi's wax seal picking skills to be "decent" in Lu Guang's eyes before he was finally permitted to do the dive (and only after pestering him that he could do it and just wanted to get this over with).

Besides the seal fiasco, the dive was going fairly well, at least in comparison to some of their previous dives. However, adjusting to Cai Shihui's personality was difficult. She didn't converse much in comparison to Cheng Xiaoshi's impulsively talkative nature, which led to close calls that had Lu Guang calling him an idiot and telling him to reel it in. He was never good at internalizing his immediate thoughts.

It would be easier if he could dive into Ying Mulin instead. They acted kind of similar, now that he'd spent a few hours at the school event. Meanwhile, Cai Shihui's thoughts were consistently withdrawn, although she seemed to have an overactive brain from how many memories and thoughts Cheng Xiaoshi was inundated with. The majority of them were about Ying Mulin.

For a second, he wondered how sad it must have been to part ways with someone so close to her, especially since she thought of her a lot. It was no wonder Cai Shihui wanted to know what was in the notecard that badly.

"Hey, Shishi! What are you thinking about now?" Ying Mulin said near "his" ear, and he jumped a little within Cai Shihui's body as the bubbly girl gave the other one a warm, patient smile. It seemed like Cai Shihui dissociated often, even though Cheng Xiaoshi hadn't meant to replicate it.

"Focus," he heard Lu Guang chide him from the present. "She'll be giving the letter in about three minutes."

'Okay, okay. What should I say here, though?' Cheng Xiaoshi asked, feeling a bit panicked as Ying Mulin stared at Cai Shihui expectantly, warm orange eyes glimmering. He wasn't sure if the panic belonged to him or her, though… or both of them.

"Just copy what I tell you," Lu Guang replied.

Cheng Xiaoshi nodded and expectantly listened to his friend's instructions before speaking.

"It's nothing. I just don't like how crowded it is here," Cai Shihui's voice responded, and he managed to get her stoic tone right this time.

"Well, it looks like we've gotta escape, then," Ying Mulin casually proposed, and Cheng Xiaoshi felt a prickle of surprise come from Cai Shihui at hearing that.

Before Cheng Xiaoshi could ask what to do next, he felt a light touch on her arm that turned into a tug. He later realized that Ying Mulin was dragging Cai Shihui along with her by the wrist, laughing a little as she ducked out of a door and ignored a teacher's confused scolding that asked them where they were going.

Cheng Xiaoshi was used to being the one who pulled others along. Or at least, he pulled Lu Guang along wherever he went. He didn't really do that with anyone else. It was a bit different, being on the receiving end of that affection, but it wasn't bad.

Weirdly enough, he felt Cai Shihui's heart skip a beat as Ying Mulin looked back to stare at her, bangs now a mess in her face that made her look more vibrant. Involuntarily, he thought back to the similar constricting feeling he had with Lu Guang a few hours ago before their dive. It had also happened after seeing a smile.

'But doesn't that feeling usually mean…?'

Something romantic, was what he was about to think, but he purposely jumbled the words in his brain. Maybe he was an idiot. But he couldn't wrap his head around the feeling being anything other than romantic. Sure, there might be cases that are different, like Qiao Ling said, but did it apply to him?

Or maybe it wasn't, and that constricting feeling was a fluke. Romantic feelings had always felt slightly alien to him, so he had no basis to compare them with. He couldn't determine the cause because of that.

But maybe he was an asshole in a different way for being so affectionate with his best friend.

Maybe he should talk to Qiao Ling after this.

"What's bothering you, Cheng Xiaoshi?" Lu Guang sounded more confused than anything at hearing his thoughts, and Cheng Xiaoshi jolted. He almost forgot he could hear anything going on in his mind. Which was bad, considering all of his recent worries and feelings were things that Lu Guang absolutely could not know about, no matter what. He didn't want to scare him away. He was already scared of his own feelings.

Kind of unfair, that Cheng Xiaoshi couldn't read Lu Guang's thoughts in return. He'd give anything to know what was going on in that mind of his.

'Nothing. Don't worry about it. Uhm.'

"You sound kind of panicked. I couldn't read most of it. Did you get a bad memory from the client?" His voice was now concerned, and Cheng Xiaoshi could imagine his furrowed eyebrows even from across spacetime.

Quite the opposite. They were all good memories. And that was ironically part of the problem.

'It's fine,' Cheng Xiaoshi transmitted back to him, a bit more deliberately than usual as he tried to regulate his thoughts. 'Lead me on what to do next.'

"If you say so," Lu Guang said in an unconvinced tone, and Cheng Xiaoshi could tell he was going to get interrogated after he was back. Great.

Ying Mulin kept dragging Cai Shihui along until the two were in the school courtyard outside, the cool breeze slightly biting as the sun hung low in the sky. Lu Guang helped Cheng Xiaoshi fumble through a few more lines. At least, Cai Shihui didn't have much to say due to mostly responding in gestures.

"It's pretty outside, isn't it?" Ying Mulin commented as the wind picked up again. There was a hint of something sentimental in those eyes. Cai Shihui nodded, and Cheng Xiaoshi could now feel the slight picking up of her heartbeat, the feeling becoming his own as he shifted nervously in her body.

Now that he felt a bit calmer, he did… notice something else, while being in Cai Shihui.

He'd dove into people with romantic attraction before. Chen Xiao was a pretty blatant example of it — his heart was flipping in a way that felt suffocating over his crush. He was surprised that people felt that way. It was physically a nightmare.

Which sounded like a surprise that he didn't understand, but he didn't get that overwhelming fluttering sensation. While Cheng Xiaoshi looked like he messed around a lot, it was a bit of a farce, one that he couldn't seem to turn off. He said things that seemed like flirting, but he'd feel bad about it afterward. The guilt grew compared to when he was a first-year student at university. He overthought how he interacted with Lu Guang during that time, too.

For the longest time, he thought he wasn't opposed to a relationship. Maybe he still isn't? He isn't sure. He always knew he didn't mind the gender of the person he "got with," and that was the end of the story… although he'd never dated properly. He did desire someone who stayed with him. That was what he was certain of.

But a lot of his feelings were akin to idealization or surface-level things. In his head, it sounded nice. However, the idea of committing to a relationship felt like a different playing field, and it confused him, even repulsed him. Maybe it was because he was scared. Maybe it was because people left him alone in the end.

Well, Lu Guang didn't leave him, for some reason. That made it all the more scary.

Within Chen Xiao and Xu Shanshan's dives, he couldn't deny there was something romantic going on. He integrated himself with the memories of others during dives, and the feelings were intense to the point of discomfort. Something that never happened when he used to "flirt around," as much as he cringed at the memories. The dives included romantic thoughts he would never think, which made him feel tempted to leave, although it was a bit interesting to experience.

He didn't get the butterflies the way they did. He'd wondered if there was something wrong with him, intrinsically.

But Cai Shihui's feelings for her best friend… well, it would be wrong to say they weren't strong. It felt like selling her short, and there was a similar anxiety in her chest. But it was different from those two dives, yet awfully familiar to him. More comfortable, calmer. He couldn't explain why.

Cheng Xiaoshi forced himself back to the present (past?) as he realized Ying Mulin was giving her the sealed letter and a bird charm. He tensed up, and so did Cai Shihui, as he directed her arms to accept them in a slightly clumsy way.

"Sorry for giving this to you out of the blue, Shishi! It's… for your birthday, actually. Even though it's in five months." Ying Mulin looked uncharacteristically embarrassed, and he noticed that there was a dusting of red on her cheeks. "The bird charm is 'cause it reminded me of you. And uh… that's a postcard. Can you promise me something, though?"

"What is it?" Cai Shihui asked, and Cheng Xiaoshi felt the voice come out shaky without him trying. Her nerves were completely wrought with anxiety, and it was getting to him.

"Don't open it until you turn 18. So it feels like I gave it to you on that day. Also because… I think it'd be easier that way," Ying Mulin said in an almost-whisper. She looked like something was bothering her, but the cheery disposition came back like a light switch flickering on. "Got it?"

"So you are moving soon, Ying Mulin," Cai Shihui mumbled, and Cheng Xiaoshi could feel the turmoil twisting in her chest. Suddenly, the turmoil became his own, and he felt like crying.

She was getting left behind by the one person who meant the world to her.

And Ying Mulin likely didn't know the extent of her feelings… whatever they were.

'Cai Shihui's got all these thoughts in her head that she's not saying.' It was distressful, how much the girl suppressed. How did she live like that? He was the complete opposite, and just holding the weight of those thoughts made him feel like he was falling apart.

"Don't get any ideas. They're not your feelings. If you say something, it might change what happens in the timeline."

'Ugh, okay. Sometimes I wish you could do this instead. You'd find it a lot easier,' he thought with slight passive aggressiveness. Lu Guang was really picky with the details.

He also seemed like he would fit Cai Shihui better. They acted a bit similarly.

"It's better this way. You're better at understanding people than I am."

Cheng Xiaoshi was surprised for a second, but then he (internally) smirked at Lu Guang's words. 'Oh, is that a compliment? What a rare moment.'

"…Shut up and focus," he rebuked in a way that faltered at the edges. He could imagine Lu Guang's slightly reddened face in clarity, and Cheng Xiaoshi had to bite back a laugh for the sake of not making Cai Shihui look absolutely insane in this situation.

Cheng Xiaoshi went back to the conversation currently happening. Ying Mulin had let out a nervous chuckle at the mention of her moving, scratching the back of her neck.

"Sorry. I don't want to leave either," Ying Mulin said with a hint of weariness to her tone. "I don't have a choice, though. But… let's make our last few days count, okay? Don't be sad, Shishi."

"You're stupid," Cai Shihui simply said, and Cheng Xiaoshi found a hint of humor in the rather depressing situation as he said the words. Because that's totally something Lu Guang would say.

"I can hear your thoughts, Cheng Xiaoshi."

'Oops.' Cheng Xiaoshi had gotten better at distinguishing which thoughts he did or didn't want to send to Lu Guang, but it still got mixed up sometimes. Well, a lot.

"Maybe so," Ying Mulin agreed with a bit less energy in her voice. "But you'll be okay. We might meet again some day."

Might. It was almost as if Ying Mulin wasn't sure at all. Was there something else going on?

Cheng Xiaoshi waited for the next lines from Lu Guang, but he was surprised when he didn't say anything. Usually, he could at least sense his dear friend's presence, but he was awfully quiet.

Embarassingly, it quickly set him into a panic. It was an irrational fear, but he feared the prospect of their connection being severed and Cheng Xiaoshi being left to deal with the whims of whatever time he landed in. Alone, without Qiao Ling, without Lu Guang.

'Lu Guang? Hey?'

"Cai Shihui? You there?"

'Lu Guang!'

"Sorry. I'm here, Cheng Xiaoshi."

Cheng Xiaoshi never felt more relieved to hear his voice again, although he didn't miss the way his tone was slightly off. It was familiar. Lu Guang sometimes sounded like that after pulling himself deep out of his thoughts, as though he were fighting a battle Cheng Xiaoshi couldn't see. It worried him.

'Dude, are you good?' Cheng Xiaoshi asked, as he nervously stared at Ying Mulin's expectant face.

"I'm fine. I'll tell you the next line," Lu Guang said stiffly, immediately going back to the topic and preventing Cheng Xiaoshi from asking about him. He felt a flicker of irritation at this, but he decided to let it go for now as Lu Guang told him what to say.

"Don't say it like that," Cai Shihui's voice came out desperately. "Promise that you won't forget me, Ying Mulin. Write to me. It isn't over just because you're leaving."

Cheng Xiaoshi managed to deliver Cai Shihui's line exactly as Lu Guang narrated it, although there was one difference.

Usually, Lu Guang narrated what Cheng Xiaoshi needed to say in a monotone voice. That was how he was, since he wasn't good at injecting emotion into what he said.

But when Lu Guang said that line, he didn't fail to notice his voice crack a little. If Cheng Xiaoshi had been worried before, he was definitely worried now. I'll get it out of him later, he thought to himself, making sure Lu Guang couldn't hear it.

"…Okay. Got it!" Ying Mulin affirmed, but he noticed the conflicted look in her gaze. It was as if Ying Mulin wasn't sure if she could honor the promise. He wondered if Cai Shihui noticed the look, too.

After a few more painful lines that had Cheng Xiaoshi on the verge of tears, Ying Mulin ended up walking Cai Shihui home, both of them completely forgoing whatever was happening in the school. They mostly walked in silence, sometimes with Ying Mulin sending her a warm smile or leaning against her shoulder as they traveled down the road. There was a light embarrassment he could sense from Cai Shihui sometimes, but it wasn't bad at all.

However, there was a hint of confusion in Cai Shihui's emotions as her house came closer. A weird mix of overflowing care and unwilling resentment that seeped into him, as she kept thinking about how she would be left behind. Unfortunately, he empathized with that feeling a bit too well.

They waved goodbye to each other, and Cheng Xiaoshi could feel her heart twist.

Cai Shihui came home to an empty house.

"Her parents come home late, so she makes dinner herself," Lu Guang explained as Cheng Xiaoshi fiddled with Cai Shihui's keys and placed them back in her bag, before taking out the envelope and charm.

'Is it really okay for her parents to leave her alone like that?' Cai Shihui already didn't have any friends except for Ying Mulin. Cheng Xiaoshi would be miserable in her position.

Lu Guang was weirdly quiet, not answering the question. He instead continued giving instructions: "There's a butter knife in the cupboard of the kitchen. Take that, and then run it under boiling water before you open the seal."

'Got it,' Cheng Xiaoshi thought back with a nod as he rummaged through utensils until he found the right tool. He rolled up Cai Shihui's sleeves as he turned the sink faucet to the hot side, but then he froze in his tracks.

There were bruises all over Cai Shihui's arms.

It didn't take a lot of effort to connect the dots, considering her neglectful parents weren't there for their 17-year-old daughter. He felt anger flare at the sight, as he experienced the cusp of a memory: Cai Shihui recalling how her mother gripped her arm over not getting a high grade on an exam, strong arms twisting her own as she held back tears.

'She has to come home to these shitheads every day? Does Ying Mulin even know?' Cheng Xiaoshi's thoughts spiraled at the sight. To live for so many years in a house like this after her best friend moved away in a week, while never opening up to her… he couldn't bear it.

"I don't like it either," Lu Guang answered after a while. So he did know about her parents, from the way he sounded more resigned to the fact. "But Cai Shihui is living her own life in the present. She manages to escape from her parents eventually."

Cheng Xiaoshi knew Lu Guang was being logical about it. But currently, he couldn't separate himself from the fact that he was living in a different time than Lu Guang, and that she was currently suffering. A teenager who didn't do anything wrong, hurting for years while being left alone.

He held the knife under the faucet as instructed, but his thoughts were wandering. He finally felt a single tear spill as more memories started flooding his brain without his permission — the many times Cai Shihui came home to a barren house, or when her father berated her for an hour straight over minor mistakes and pushed her harshly against a wall. She apparently got hurt often. Her breath hitched as Cheng Xiaoshi buckled under his stress, tears swimming in his eyes as he approached the envelope.

"Hey, hold on." Lu Guang's voice sounded strained. "Take a break first. You have time."

'It's late already, though, isn't it? You said you wanted it done—'

"I don't care what I said before," Lu Guang said with more insistence, interrupting Cheng Xiaoshi's thoughts. "You're going to mess up the seal anyway if you do it like this. Take a break."

Cheng Xiaoshi felt irritation flare up again, and his frustrated thoughts came first before he could stop them. His emotions were already too overwhelming from Cai Shihui's internal world, exacerbating his own. 'You never tell me anything beforehand, Lu Guang! So glad you're thinking of my well-being over a stupid rule. Not breaking the damn seal matters more, doesn't it?'

Ah shit. He regretted the words as soon as he conceived of them. Lu Guang never prioritized a mission over him. He was the first to tell him that it was okay to leave, even if it compromised the dive and left them unable to fulfill the client's request. He was incredibly kind — both he and Qiao Ling knew that, even if others couldn't see it. He just wasn't as good at showing it as others.

He likely didn't want Cheng Xiaoshi to worry about Cai Shihui to avoid a situation like this. And like an idiot, he still made it into a mess and blamed Lu Guang for it.

He just wished Lu Guang trusted him more. He never understood why he never told him things.

Lu Guang grew quiet, and the guilt and anxiety started festering inside him again at not hearing his voice. I'm sorry, come back, come back was the silent prayer that started repeating in his mind.

Don't leave me, Lu Guang.

"I'm not leaving you. I've told you this many times," Lu Guang finally said. "And it's not about the mission. I want you to be okay. If you can't do it, we can drop it."

He suddenly missed seeing Lu Guang a lot, even though it had been mere hours since he last saw him. Hearing his voice wasn't the same as the real thing, and he continued wiping the girl's tears that now belonged to both of them.

'Sorry. I always mess things up.' Just when he thought he had calmed down, a new stream of tears came rolling down.

"…I should have said more as well. Don't blame yourself." Lu Guang's voice was gentle, almost fragile. He spoke in a soft tone that was soothing to his ears.

'Can you… keep talking to me? About random things. Until I calm down,' Cheng Xiaoshi requested slowly, feeling a bit more guilty for asking after lashing out at him. He didn't deserve this. But Lu Guang's voice was the only thing currently grounding him.

"I'm not good at talking about things. But I'll try."

Lu Guang started slowly, talking about his morning routine because he had no idea what to discuss. Cheng Xiaoshi listened quietly at first, sniffling and feeling a bit gross as he went to the sink to wash Cai Shihui's face midway.

The topic eventually deviated as Cheng Xiaoshi got some of his spark back. They talked about the lengthy literature book Lu Guang was reading (which he made stupid comments about to rile him up), the show Qiao Ling and Lu Guang were watching that Cheng Xiaoshi refused to see out of stubbornness, the rooms they needed to clean out at the studio, and what they'd be eating tonight after Cheng Xiaoshi got back.

"Qiao Ling just got back a few minutes ago. She brought stir-fry chicken and milk tea."

So his sister could be a godsend sometimes. He was looking forward to getting out of here.

'Qiao Ling's back? Where's she at right now?' he exclaimed in his head excitedly as he finally got up from the couch he'd been resting on. His eyes momentarily caught the family portrait photo on the wall: a serious-looking Cai Shihui as a young kid with her two parents. He had to look away to avoid the growing pit in his stomach.

"She's also in the sunroom, actually. We're setting everything up."

'What flavor milk tea did she get?' Cheng Xiaoshi asked as he started heading back to Cai Shihui's kitchen. The envelope was resting where he had left it on the counter.

Lu Guang went quiet for a moment, and he heard him ask Qiao Ling the same question over the connection. He then addressed him directly again: "She got extra for tomorrow as well. She ordered taro milk tea for you. With extra sugar."

Cheng Xiaoshi could cry again, except it would be out of happiness.

"Also, she called you a loser," Lu Guang added on. "She told me to tell you that."

'Hey!'

Cheng Xiaoshi heard a small huff in his head, and he realized that Lu Guang was laughing. It was barely audible at all, but it was clearer considering the sound was sent directly to his head. His heart pounded a little as he tried to internalize it.

Uhm. His face heated up. Well, that pounding feeling couldn't be a fluke, could it?

It still didn't feel like Chen Xiao's or Xu Shanshan's, though. Weird.

'Anyways, I think I'm good now. Guangguang, lead the way!' he exclaimed loudly in his head, trying to bat away the other thoughts trying to overtake him.

"Alright, this should only take ten minutes."

Cheng Xiaoshi successfully separated the wax from the paper without a hitch, and then carefully opened the envelope and slipped the card out. The asters now displayed their original color, and he flipped the card to the back.

He started reading it in his head carefully, and Lu Guang followed along and jotted down each word. Cheng Xiaoshi felt a wave of emotions come over him again when he got near the end, but he fought them back for the moment.

The letter started off just as he expected from someone like Ying Mulin: cheery words about the memories they shared and everything she cherished about being with Cai Shihui. There was even a small doodle of the two holding hands in the corner. He could feel the girl's emotions bubble up as he gazed at the drawing.

But then it got far more serious than he anticipated.

Ying Mulin started talking about her family. How usurping they were, and that her moving out wasn't a choice she wanted to make. She wasn't sure if she'd be allowed to write to her ever again. She explained that they needed to flee the country due to a family safety issue, but Ying Mulin wouldn't use the same name in the future for security's sake.

The last part of the letter made Cheng Xiaoshi feel frozen in place.

"I'm not sure if we'll meet again, Cai Shihui. That's why I was scared to tell you. But I have one more thing to say. And it's that I love you. Not in the way people usually think of it, but I suppose it's a confession. It doesn't mean anything less than one. You're my best friend, and I would have been fine spending my entire life with you. You don't have to reciprocate the feeling, but in case you do… I think you'll know in what way I mean it.

Please take care, Shishi. I'll miss you."

I love you was what she said. It was a confession, but it didn't sound like anything Cheng Xiaoshi had seen before. And you'll know in what way I mean it?

Cai Shihui's own thoughts were brewing in his head. Ones of her own unsaid words that made him itch to run out of that door and rush towards Ying Mulin's house and say everything that she couldn't say. He felt himself spiraling again.

He started heading towards the door in a panic, his legs working on autopilot, only to accidentally fall due to underestimating how much Cai Shihui's body could take. He got up again anyway, wincing when he realized that he'd fallen on her bruises.

I can at least tell her something. At least some parting words before Ying Mulin leaves for good and—

"Cheng Xiaoshi!" Lu Guang's voice broke into his sporadic thoughts, and he froze at the door handle. "You can't! There's way too much of a risk if you try to meet her now. She'll be able to tell you read it, and it might change things between them."

'Why does she have to be in this much pain? It hurts. I can't stand it.' He was still grimacing in her body at the ache in her arms, as she slumped to the floor from the weakness in her limbs, leaning on the front door. He realized that she was also pretty thin. He wondered if she ate properly. 'What if I try getting her something in return? For the charm at least. Some shops should still be open.'

"The client didn't ask for this," Lu Guang rejected the idea instantly, his voice taut with an emotion Cheng Xiaoshi couldn't identify. It sounded desperate. Cheng Xiaoshi heard another line that wasn't meant for him, as his voice became unnaturally calmer in the blink of an eye: "Sorry, Qiao Ling-jie. We just ran into an issue. No, it's fine."

Cheng Xiaoshi knew he was acting stupid. He gritted his teeth and tried to calm down again, breathing in heavily.

"Cheng Xiaoshi…" Lu Guang's voice was even quieter than usual. "You do need to leave soon, either way. Her parents will come home soon."

'And then what happens to her?' Cheng Xiaoshi shot back, even though he already had an idea from the memories he'd experienced.

"It's not good to stay after 22:00. It won't end well," Lu Guang finally admitted, although it looked like he didn't want to tell him that information originally. "But this photo had the most time to do the task without meeting her parents. Trust me, I understand, but…"

'Do you?'

"Of course I understand, I've literally—" Lu Guang's voice became uncharacteristically on edge for a moment, quieting Cheng Xiaoshi's thoughts. He didn't get angry very often, and he flinched a little at the volume reverberating in his head. Lu Guang also seemed to realize he'd raised his voice, because he interrupted his own sentence. "Sorry. But it's all to make sure the present still exists. Our present."

Lu Guang sounded oddly vulnerable for a moment, as though he were about to admit something, but his voice slipped back into neutrality. He was likely trying to keep it together in front of Qiao Ling as well, considering she was there with him in the room.

Why couldn't Lu Guang just tell him what was wrong? He never did.

Cheng Xiaoshi sighed. Even so, he never enjoyed arguing with him, and he did want to go home.

That was fine then. He couldn't change the past. He'd respect Lu Guang's rules, as much as it hurt. Who knew if Ying Mulin had forgotten her by now? He hoped that wasn't the case.

He got up slowly, wincing a little at the pain as he trodded back to the room he was in. He followed Lu Guang's advice for resealing the wax in silence, knowing that if he even so much as let himself think something, he would start crying again. He placed it back into Cai Shihui's bag, as it had been before.

And then he clapped out of the photo.

"Hold on, you guys are so unfair! I've been starving all day, and you guys started eating without me?" Cheng Xiaoshi complained as he immediately brought more chicken onto his plate with his chopsticks. Qiao Ling laughed a little in response and nudged him on the shoulder.

"Hey, I've been starving too. I had to help my parents check on some other properties today," Qiao Ling sighed after taking a sip of her drink. "Like, they kept dragging me around. And the traffic was crazy, so I came back late. Barely managed to get the food before it closed for the day."

The three of them were now sitting in the sunroom, and bright orange light was filtering through the windows as it grew darker outside. All three of them looked a bit worn out, each for their own reasons.

After Cheng Xiaoshi had come back from the dive, the atmosphere had been… awkward, to say the least, due to their argument. Cheng Xiaoshi instinctively looked towards Lu Guang first as he phased back into the present: his expression was unreadable. It made Cheng Xiaoshi's stomach go into knots, and he hated himself for nearly messing up again. There was no way he wasn't pissed at him.

Then, he'd met Qiao Ling's gaze next. She only heard Lu Guang's side of the argument, but she could immediately tell something was wrong, and she had been biting her lip with worry.

"Alright, guys. I don't know what happened during the dive, but you're both apologizing to each other," Qiao Ling had told them crossly after she saw the tension between the two. Cheng Xiaoshi sheepishly looked down, while Lu Guang let out a petty huff and looked away from him, as though he were stubborn about not looking at him for the rest of the night.

She glared at them both. Even Lu Guang was scared of her anger, and he jumped a little this time, before gazing at the ground with a small sigh.

"Aw, come on. Lu Guang here should be saying sorry to me first!" Cheng Xiaoshi had protested.

"You're the idiot who keeps going off on his own," Lu Guang hissed in response, refusing to back down.

"If you both don't apologize, I'm hoarding the chicken. And yes, you're both apologizing at the same time," Qiao Ling said with ice in her tone. Even so, it was simultaneously laced with concern. "Don't let something like that get in between you two, alright?"

Cheng Xiaoshi felt his heart ache a little at the last sentence. Of course, he didn't want that.

After that, the two had awkwardly apologized to each other. Even so, the atmosphere was still off, and Cheng Xiaoshi settled for sitting near Qiao Ling instead. They were talking about the dive's results, after the two had calmed down.

"Oh, right," Qiao Ling piped up as she fiddled with her straw. "Did you guys manage to get the letter for the client?"

"Yes," Lu Guang responded, handing her a folded piece of paper on which he had written the postcard's contents. Qiao Ling ended up reading it over once as her eyes danced over the paper, and her eyes widened.

"God, I wasn't expecting her family to be like that," Qiao Ling murmured as she folded the paper again. She was deep in thought as her gaze grew distant, still processing the words. "But I think Cai Shihui would be glad to hear her words. I'll call her over tomorrow. Hopefully it goes well."

"How was she like when you met her?" Cheng Xiaoshi asked randomly, without thinking. He did know Cai Shihui's past pretty intimately already from diving into her, but he had no clue how she was in the present. Honestly, he couldn't help but be worried, considering how much she went through.

Qiao Ling's eyes softened, as though she could already guess what might have happened during the dive. "She was very quiet. Actually pretty tall, too, and a bit… mysterious? When she came in, she didn't look like she was fully certain if she wanted to ask for a favor." She glanced at the letter again, smiling a little. "But she really wanted to see her best friend again. I think knowing Ying Mulin thought of her that much might be nice for her."

Lu Guang was watching the conversation silently. Cheng Xiaoshi noticed that he looked distant. He kept glancing at the photos from Cai Shihui as though he were observing something. However, his gaze wasn't blue, so he seemed to be staring at them normally, a frown on his face.

Qiao Ling also seemed to notice, from the way she glanced in Lu Guang's direction for a few lingering seconds, before moving closer to his side. "You know, we're going to end up eating all the chicken if you don't take any."

"It's fine. I'm not that hungry," Lu Guang dismissed the concern with a wave of his hand, still clutching onto the photos. He was in one of his faraway moods again. Qiao Ling seemed determined to break it down, though.

"You're lying," she said pointedly, and without even waiting for a response, she brought a piece of chicken to his mouth as he was about to start speaking again. "Get your nutrients in, Lu Guang."

"This food is technically not nutritious," Lu Guang was about to protest, but she kept badgering him like a kid who refused to eat his broccoli. He finally relented and took a bite, although he stared at Qiao Ling with an annoyed expression as though plotting his revenge. Cheng Xiaoshi couldn't stop the laughter that came out at the sight of his mildly embarrassed face.

"Oh my god. These are the times when I remember that you really are the youngest. Can I feed you next, Guangguang?" he requested as he also slid closer to Lu Guang from his other side.

"Hey, I was already doing it!" Qiao Ling shot back as she waved her chopsticks in the air.

"Neither of you are. Leave me alone," he groaned as he pushed them both off from either side, although his mouth had curved into a smile against his will. Thankfully, it seemed to distract him from the photos as he put them back in their envelope.

Cheng Xiaoshi couldn't help but feel relieved. Qiao Ling was always good at that kind of thing.

"Anyway," Qiao Ling proclaimed as she slipped the written letter into a folder of hers, "I can tell you're both worried about Cai Shihui. She was reluctant to talk about her family. But she's got a job at a bookstore now, apparently... It helps her interact with people without having to do too much, so it's helped."

Cheng Xiaoshi kept thinking about her memories, which still remained imprinted in his brain. She must be pretty lonely, though. It was hard to imagine her getting over it so quickly, especially since she didn't know where Ying Mulin was.

"Do you think… she'll be able to see Ying Mulin again?" His voice came out more hesitant than he liked, and he hoped Qiao Ling didn't point it out.

Thankfully, she didn't.

"It's hard to say," Qiao Ling said slowly, although a smile crossed her face. "And maybe my way of thinking is optimistic. But I'd like to think there's a way, since she's out there somewhere. People that close have a way of finding each other."

Without thinking about it, Cheng Xiaoshi glanced at Lu Guang as she said the words, only to realize he was already staring at him. Cheng Xiaoshi felt something weird twist inside his chest. Lu Guang broke eye contact first, and he swore he saw red on his cheeks.

Okay. What was that? Cheng Xiaoshi didn't know what was happening at all.

"By the way, Qiao Ling-jie," Lu Guang said as though nothing had transpired between them, "the new episode of the Ran Xi Chronicles came out."

"What, for real?! We are watching that tomorrow, immediately," she demanded as she took out her phone to look at the episode synopsis. "I think your favorite character might be doomed, Lu Guang. Like, for real this time."

"Don't remind me…" Lu Guang muttered as she let out a snicker. Cheng Xiaoshi could only blankly watch, since he didn't know much about the series himself.

Cheng Xiaoshi couldn't help but continue staring at Lu Guang out of the corner of his eye as the two talked, although now he felt more worried than anything. About Lu Guang and himself.

He wasn't good at keeping his feelings to himself. He knew there was something going on, and he ached to say something to Lu Guang, but he was back at square one. Even diving didn't help him understand what romantic feelings were, and Cai Shihui's case puzzled him more than ever.

Lu Guang left first, saying he wanted to do his nightly reading. The two siblings waved goodbye as he went back up the stairs, although Cheng Xiaoshi's eyes lingered on him for longer as he disappeared up the stairs.

Lu Guang was clearly acting off. Did something from the dive upset him that badly? He did apologize, though… His gaze then returned to his sister, who was still seated near him.

"You're staying late tonight, Qiao Ling," Cheng Xiaoshi pointed out, surprised that she hadn't left for her own home yet. She looked especially tired today from the lines underneath her eyes. She crashed over on the couch whenever she stayed, which wasn't the worst since the three had slept here before, but he doubted it was as comfortable as a bed. And it wasn't like they were watching anything together tonight.

"Just didn't feel like leaving, honestly," Qiao Ling whispered from her position on the couch, the bunny charm shaking a little as she adjusted the phone she was tapping away at. Her response didn't seem to be telling the full story, though. "What's got you still here, Cheng Xiaoshi?"

Usually, it wasn't long before he trailed after Lu Guang to their room, but he was afraid to face him for some reason. Now he was worried about his feelings and the argument they just had. Awesome.

"Don't know. I guess I also didn't feel like going?" he said noncommittally, not wanting to say too much. Qiao Ling didn't seem to be buying it, though, from how her mouth pressed into a line.

"I can tell you guys aren't communicating about something," Qiao Ling noted, and he jumped in place and shot her a nervous smile.

"Haha, what do you mean by that! We're totally fine…" He tried to play his feelings off with a grin, but Qiao Ling looked like she was about to smack him. "Okay, maybe it's not a hundred percent fine. But decent?"

For a moment, a silence fell over the two. It was a rare moment for them, as loud as they usually were. Qiao Ling placed her phone back on the table faced down, staring into space patiently, as Cheng Xiaoshi fiddled anxiously with his hands as though he didn't know where to put them.

Then, he felt a light touch on his shoulder. Cheng Xiaoshi looked to the side to find Qiao Ling patting him on the back soothingly. He was tempted to bat it off, but for once, he let it happen. It suddenly felt like they were younger again.

"I told you that you could talk to me. You don't have to say everything, but I know we got cut off this morning."

"…Right." Cheng Xiaoshi hated that his voice cracked a little, as he wondered what he wanted to say. The confusion from today was all too overwhelming. The dive certainly didn't help with that.

"Take your time," Qiao Ling reminded him. "I know you tend to rush into things."

For once, Cheng Xiaoshi decided to collect his thoughts. Or at least, he tried to. They were, unfortunately, still an abysmal mess. But he was trying.

"What did you mean by the thing you said earlier? About finding someone important."

"Ah, right," Qiao Ling said as she reflected for a bit, her hand on her chin. She looked a bit weary for some reason as she answered the question. "I meant it in the sense that sometimes you find someone important. And you love them a lot. But it can be platonic, too. Or in between. It doesn't have to be any lesser or feel any lesser than something romantic."

"What?! Is that allowed?"

Qiao Ling stared at his confused face for a second, and then she suddenly snorted before she could stop it. "Dude, aren't you, like, the biggest troublemaker of us all? Since when did you care about something being allowed? You clearly didn't care during that dive."

"Hey, that sounds like an insult? I'm trying to be real with you here!" Cheng Xiaoshi cried out in an offended voice, feeling himself heat up a little. He felt mortified. Why was he even opening up to her like this?

"Lu Guang really must be rubbing off on you," she continued, as though he wasn't currently fuming. Qiao Ling then, thankfully, relented on her teasing. "Seriously, though. Your feelings are your own, Cheng Xiaoshi. Only you can decide what they are."

"I see," Cheng Xiaoshi mumbled. Well, I've never really liked rules, anyway. And relationships have so many of them!

He would honestly be fine with staying like this with Lu Guang for the rest of his life. Nothing had to change. But…

At least, I wish Lu Guang knew that he could rely on me. And that I care that much.

Lu Guang always seemed to push off his attempts at getting physically close to him, but he wondered what it would be like if they slept together for the night. Or held hands when they went out together. And maybe a kiss on the cheek, he thought in embarrassment. Something like that.

He didn't want anything more. But what if that intimacy put Lu Guang off?

He'd always worried that only a romantic relationship could have something like that. He still felt a bit scared of the fact that wanting something like that would ruin their friendship.

But maybe there was a chance?

Cheng Xiaoshi turned to look back at Qiao Ling, only to notice that she looked a bit exhausted herself. He suddenly felt a bit stupid for not noticing earlier, while piling his own worries on her.

"Uhm, Qiao Ling. Is everything good?"

"Ah, uhm…" She looked a bit embarrassed at being caught, and she gave him a weak smile. "Sorry. Just had a long day myself. I didn't really get to talk with anyone except my parents, who don't count, honestly. It was a bit lonely."

The two didn't usually talk about their feelings like this, or at all if they could help it. It was easier that way. But neither of them did particularly well with being alone, did they? Qiao Ling just acted like the more mature one.

Qiao Ling hadn't always been headstrong. She had been quieter and in her own world when he first met her, and neither had friends outside each other for the longest time. She adopted her more commanding nature only after his parents went missing, which he didn't fail to notice (and he felt a bit guilty about it). She even started learning to cook and helped teach him a few recipes, which was what got him so into it in the first place.

She met Xu Shanshan in her first year, and she still goes out on excursions with her, but Cheng Xiaoshi never saw her branch out. Even when Cheng Xiaoshi became more entangled with others at university — though none of them were real "friends" except for Lu Guang — Qiao Ling was never too involved with any one person.

As for the past few months, she's spent most of her time doing her work as a landlady and learning management under her parents, which meant he saw her less. She always claimed she was fine with it, but she looked exhausted.

"Is your work really going okay?" he asked before he could think more about it. Her eyes widened a little at the question, as though she weren't expecting it. Her fingers were now drumming the couch they were sitting on nervously.

Qiao Ling seemed to think she said more than she should have, because she abruptly returned to her active demeanor. "Cheng Xiaoshi's worried about me, what a shock! We might see pigs fly. Well, some of the people suck all around, but it's nothing I can't deal with." She winked a little as she said the words, but she looked tense.

Why are the two people I'm closest to always hiding things? Cheng Xiaoshi thought a bit bitterly, but he was mostly worried. It would have been easy for them to fall back into their usual insulting banter, which Qiao Ling was clearly trying to ignite, but he didn't want to do that this time.

"Dude, you've been falling asleep midday sometimes. Which I'd expect from Lu Guang, yeah, but not you," he pushed further, as he lightly kicked her leg.

She seemed to realize she couldn't avoid the topic, because the slight frown reappeared on her face as she stared ahead at where some photos were hanging on the walls. For a moment, it looked like Qiao Ling was going to neglect responding entirely.

But then she spoke up: "It's stressful. There's expectations on me, but I've always known I had to inherit the family business." She paused, as though contemplating whether or not her next sentence was right to say, conflict flashing in her eyes. "It feels bad, saying it, but I don't know people who care too closely. Well, aside from you guys, of course, but... you know what I mean."

Cheng Xiaoshi could understand it, at least a bit. Xu Shanshan was the only person Qiao Ling befriended outside them, but the former spent a lot of her time swamped with her graduate work or with Dong Yi.

"Lots of romantic relationships end up like that, if you've got friends in them," Qiao Ling continued slowly, as though reading his mind. "I was the only one not interested in stuff like that. Even Xu Shanshan got with someone. So you get left behind. I feel guilty saying this, since I do care for her."

"Nah, that makes sense." He started wondering if he could imagine himself in a relationship like Xu Shanshan's. He then thought back to the erratic feelings he'd gotten when diving into her. That felt kinda weird, more than anything. Even though he had gone through a phase of desperately wanting to be with someone during university. "Man, I'm not sure if I could do something like that."

Qiao Ling smirked a little, some of her teasing nature returning, although it was more subdued than usual. "I remember when you used to try to date girls, but they all turned into hangouts."

"Well, I didn't know what I was doing, okay?" he grumbled as his face flushed in embarrassment. "You also tried to do the same in high school. Don't think I forgot."

"We... hey, don't talk about high school?! I was still figuring myself out!" She looked mortified now as she gritted her teeth. Practically no one knew about that phase but him. 

"Well, I was too!"

"And you still are, apparently."

"Shut up." 

She smiled a little, as though she'd won the fight, but it faded quickly as she looked a bit uneasy again. Her fists were clenched, contrary to the fragile way she spoke. "Well, either way. The work will get better eventually, so don't worry. It'll calm down by next week when I have less paperwork to do."

"Got it. But you need to come around here more, Qiao Ling." Admittedly, he did miss her. Lu Guang living with him in the studio did help assuage a lot of his issues with loneliness, but it wasn't quite the same when she also wasn't there with them.

"I'll try."

The two were silent again. Qiao Ling was now looking down at her lap, an unknown emotion swimming in her eyes that Cheng Xiaoshi couldn't quite place. It always seemed to return throughout the conversation. Qiao Ling still had her right hand hovering over his shoulder, but the touch was lighter now.

He looked at her for a second, until he brought his own arm around her in a hug before he could think about it.

"Cheng Xiaoshi!?" Qiao Ling looked at him, bewildered for a second. It had been a while since they'd hugged like this. He just gave her a mischievous grin in response.

"Well, I'll always still be here! And Lu Guang, too! So that's one constant, there," he declared as he clung to her tighter.

"…You really are annoying," Qiao Ling replied with a sigh, although there was no bite to the remark as she returned her brother's embrace. "Thanks, though." 

He smiled a little in response. He was glad his sister was there for him, but he hoped she would allow him to do the same.

After a good minute, Qiao Ling slowly pushed him off and got up. Thankfully, the light seemed to have returned to her eyes. Thank god. "You should head back up to sleep now. You've got things to confess to Lu Guang, right?"

Cheng Xiaoshi also hopped off the couch. "Right! Will d— hold on. Who said I needed to talk to Lu Guang about something?" He felt his pulse rise a little by saying that, pinned down by Qiao Ling's teasing stare.

"Right, right. You totally don't. Now up you go!"

She started forcefully pushing him towards the stairwell, until he finally relented, but not without sticking his tongue out at Qiao Ling before he disappeared up the steps.

The bedroom was already plunged into darkness by the time Cheng Xiaoshi tentatively made his way inside. The dim setting did not help with the looming fears crawling up inside him, as though he were about to be sacrificed to the unknown as soon as he entered. The door was left tilted open, and he shut it behind him, flinching as it clicked.

Get it together, Cheng Xiaoshi, he reprimanded himself, trying to keep Qiao Ling's words with him as he headed for the bunk bed, which he could still make out within the soft moonlight filtering through the windows.

The covers were thrown over Lu Guang's figure in the top bunk, even concealing his face. However, Cheng Xiaoshi knew him far too well to think he was actually sleeping. His breathing was too quick, as it was whenever he was awake. His best friend always seemed to be thinking too much at every waking moment.

He honestly wanted to talk to Lu Guang after the dive. Apologize again, and maybe try to get some answers of his own for how avoidant Lu Guang was being.

He also needed to address the elephant in the room: his own feelings for Lu Guang. Although he had no clue how to say them. Hi Lu Guang, let's be best friends until death do us part? How did anyone even word something like that? It didn't get across the message he wanted at all. And what if it sounded romantic? What if it was romantic? He felt so stupid.

Cheng Xiaoshi settled on the bottom bunk, but he made no move to lie down. Instead, he sat there as though waiting for something to happen. He's sure Lu Guang heard him walk in, but he hadn't moved an inch.

Maybe he should go to sleep. Forget that all of this happened, and then eventually they'd go back to "normal." They never had to talk about it again.

Suddenly, he realized he could understand Cai Shihui a little better. There was no way he could act as she did in that situation, but she also thought it was too much — those feelings of hers. Cheng Xiaoshi was constantly thinking about Lu Guang to the point that he wasn't sure if it was right.

Although he still thought Cai Shihui acted more like his dear friend. Always overthinking, feeling restless, and never opening up about the things that mattered even when people wanted them to. Her mind had effectively walled Ying Mulin out, as though she were scared that her attachment would be her downfall.

But that could mean Lu Guang feels the same way as me. And he's just not being open about it?

He squashed the hope as soon as it bubbled up. He couldn't assume that. Lu Guang always seemed to withdraw from their vulnerable conversations, allowing Cheng Xiaoshi to cry on his shoulder but never doing the same himself. He even shied away from Cheng Xiaoshi's physical contact. He did say he'd stay in the studio with him, but did he want to be that close with him?

Ugh. Just do something!

On impulse, he knocked lightly on the bottom of his bunk.

No answer.

Okay, now Cheng Xiaoshi was pissed. Why was he avoiding him that much?

"Lu Guang, I know you're awake. Stop pretending," he grumbled, sounding more tired than annoyed.

Finally, he heard shuffling, and Lu Guang's head popped out of the covers. However, he made no move to make eye contact with Cheng Xiaoshi, staring directly at the ceiling as if it were the most fascinating thing he'd seen.

"Do you need something?" Lu Guang asked after a bout of silence.

Cheng Xiaoshi didn't know how to start the conversation. It was tense, and he hated the gap that was always present between them. Like a wall he couldn't traverse, no matter how hard he tried to break it down. It had probably existed since the day they first met at the basketball court.

I need you to talk to me. Please don't avoid me. "It's… nothing much. I wanted to say sorry, though."

"For?" Lu Guang's voice was completely flat, betraying no hint of emotion. Cheng Xiaoshi wished the moonlight were brighter so he could see the expression on his face.

"Well, for nearly fucking everything up again. Obviously. I know I said sorry before, but I need you to know I mean it," Cheng Xiaoshi said remorsefully, still thinking back to what happened before he exited the photo. He had no clue whether his performance remotely qualified him for that wonton soup.

Lu Guang was quiet, and then he heard a soft breath from above him.

"No, it's fine. I apologized for a reason. I didn't provide enough information about the client. There was no way anyone in your place would take her situation well, either," Lu Guang responded, as he finally lifted himself up in his bed. It was then that Cheng Xiaoshi saw his face within the light washing over him: he looked like shit, to say the least. His white hair was beyond messy, as though he'd been pulling at it.

They went silent for a moment. Cheng Xiaoshi paused to check his phone, even though he had zero notifications on it. Lu Guang now rummaged for the book he'd left at the corner of his bed, but he made no move to open it after he found it buried within the covers. It rested squarely in his lap.

"It's a bit awkward, talking like this," Cheng Xiaoshi said, partially to fill the quiet between them. "I have to crane my neck to see you."

"We always do this, though." Lu Guang raised an eyebrow at his words in confusion. "If you hate it so much, just lie down. You don't need to look at me. We should be sleeping anyway."

Nice try, Lu Guang.

"You know," Cheng Xiaoshi began, the mischievous energy returning to his voice in real time, "it might be easier if we both sat on the same bed. Then we could talk to each other."

"What? No. I don't have anything to talk about," Lu Guang mumbled, his face looking mildly embarrassed. So cute, was Cheng Xiaoshi's first thought as his heart felt weirdly light, although it was accompanied by a mild sense of dread. He wondered whether it was okay to think that about Lu Guang, but he quashed the thought. Not the time to have a crisis.

"It's okay, Guangguang. I'll lead the conversation!" he declared as he started ascending the ladder. Lu Guang looked perplexed as he immediately moved towards where he was to block his way up. Lu Guang's hand pushed Cheng Xiaoshi's head down every time he tried to climb up the rungs, messing up his black hair in the process.

"Cheng Xiaoshi," Lu Guang said in a last desperate appeal to get his overzealous friend to change his mind, "it's too cramped. We're better off sitting near the ground than up here."

"That's no fun?" Cheng Xiaoshi complained as he made one last attempt to heave himself upward, one hand precariously holding onto the railing. "It'll be like one of those sleepovers. Camping up here is way better!"

Cheng Xiaoshi sent him a pitiful look afterward, pouting, and Lu Guang froze in real time. Lu Guang's resolve gradually crumbled under his pleading gaze as he stopped preventing him from climbing up. His face looked flushed, if he wasn't making it up. "Whatever. Only for a little."

"Yay!" he cheered as Lu Guang reluctantly made room for him to sit beside the other.

Lu Guang wasn't wrong: it really was cramped up here, and they barely had a gap between them as Cheng Xiaoshi met his grey eyes, which he could now see with clarity up close. They looked almost blue in the soft lighting. They were pretty.

Truthfully, it felt like Cheng Xiaoshi's head was about to hit the ceiling at any moment if he moved wrong. But at the same time, it was weirdly comfortable sitting with his best friend this closely, as though the gap between them had bridged a little. His heart felt calmer.

Well, he still didn't know what to say, though. He sent his friend a smile. "Hey."

Lu Guang looked exasperated, but he still returned the greeting. "Hello. Is that all you wanted to say?"

"Well, no," Cheng Xiaoshi got out sheepishly, his mind racing as he wondered how to continue the conversation. "Uh… just give me a sec to think of a topic, okay?"

"I would read my book while you think," Lu Guang muttered, "but it's a little awkward since you're kind of in my face."

"Nothing wrong with being a bit close, right?" he proposed as he brought a hand to Lu Guang's shoulder. "Hey, I have an idea. You could read it to me! Like a bedtime story."

Jarringly, Lu Guang shifted out of Cheng Xiaoshi's grasp as quickly as he had placed his hand there, something unreadable flashing in those tired eyes. It was as though he'd been seared by his touch, and Cheng Xiaoshi jumped a little as his hand was batted away.

Ah. He usually doesn't avoid me that much. Cheng Xiaoshi couldn't help but feel something twist painfully inside him at Lu Guang pushing him away so deliberately. He shuffled more towards the back of the bunk in response, not wanting to get too into his space if he disliked it.

Right. It's a bit weird, acting this way with my best friend, isn't it? 

But then he dared himself to look into Lu Guang's gaze again, and then he realized there wasn't disgust on his face, but… fear?

Lu Guang also seemed to notice that Cheng Xiaoshi looked hurt, as he appeared guilty, though he was trying to keep a straight face. He noticed Lu Guang's hands shaking in his lap, betraying his anxiety.

"Sorry, Cheng Xiaoshi. I didn't mean to do that," was all he said. It looked like Lu Guang wanted to say more, but he closed his mouth right after. As he always seemed to do when it came to their more serious conversations. While Cheng Xiaoshi wore his heart on his sleeve, Lu Guang was incredibly stubborn about these things.

It looks like Cheng Xiaoshi had to do something impulsive, after all.

"Lu Guang."

"Cheng Xiaosh—"

Cheng Xiaoshi moved closer and clasped Lu Guang's hands in his own, hoping he wasn't about to make the biggest mistake of his life. He heard his best friend inhale sharply in response, eyes wild with bewilderment, as Cheng Xiaoshi met his gaze with a determined look. He held on tighter, just in case Lu Guang tried to pull away.

He noted that Lu Guang's fingers were cold to the touch, and yet the feeling of their hands being together still made him feel warm inside.

"You're always there for me, Lu Guang," Cheng Xiaoshi began to say, hoping his voice wouldn't tremble in the process, "but when it comes to yourself, you're so… weird about it. I know I'm an idiot sometimes, so maybe I'm not all that reliable, and that's why you're not saying anything to me after the dive, but—"

"You aren't an idiot," Lu Guang abruptly corrected him mid-sentence, and the words seemed to surprise them both as Lu Guang broke eye contact, before gritting his teeth in what looked like a pained expression. "I just…" He trailed off, and for once, he seemed to be at a loss for how to rebut Cheng Xiaoshi's words as he fell into silence.

He really was acting differently. It was rare to see those cracks show so openly (and much less Lu Guang saying he wasn't an idiot. Was the world ending? Well, this wasn't the time to think about that.)

Cheng Xiaoshi blinked a little, still processing the interjection, before he tried to regain his train of thought. "Look, Lu Guang. You don't have to say everything, but when you stopped responding to me during the dive… did something happen?"

"So it's about that," Lu Guang murmured, in a quiet tone that was barely audible if not for the fact that the studio was astonishingly silent. The only background noise was the ominous ticking of a clock. "I just lost my train of thought, Cheng Xiaoshi. Observing photos takes a toll. We've lost our connection temporarily before due to similar reasons."

"But the way you said that line…"

"Promise that you won't forget me, Ying Mulin." Cheng Xiaoshi could still hear the words in Lu Guang's voice. It almost sounded like the line had come from him instead, from the manner he'd spoken it. And that was one of the first things Lu Guang had told him after coming back from that weird lapse in communication.

Grey eyes flashed with recognition, clearly remembering what the other was talking about, but he refused to budge. Somehow, the dark circles under his eyes looked more prominent than ever. "Drop it, Cheng Xiaoshi."

Lu Guang tugged at his grip in an attempt to escape, but Cheng Xiaoshi pulled him back. He continued speaking, even though his voice was shaking.

"And then when you got mad at me before I left the photo. You looked like you were about to say something."

"Of course I understand" were the words Lu Guang choked out after he'd deterred him from staying to help Cai Shihui. It sounded so desperate and raw that it remained imprinted on his mind, even now. He barely ever sounded like that.

Cheng Xiaoshi's voice grew more frantic at the thought of Lu Guang's broken-sounding voice. "We're best friends, right? So can't you at least tell me if something's bothering you?" He felt his insecurity seeping into his words by the second at the lack of response from him, and he wondered if his words were falling on deaf ears.

Lu Guang inhaled a little, clearly affected by the words, but he still said nothing.

His resolve felt like it was crumbling, and he felt his tears rising up. Great, I'm about to cry for the second time today.

"You don't have to say everything. But... say something. Unless—" Cheng Xiaoshi's voice cracked as a tear slipped, and he tore his gaze away from the white-haired guy before him so he didn't have to see his reaction, which had been completely blank thus far. He was more of a coward than he thought. Maybe he should learn to shut up. "Sorry. You don't owe me an answer, and I'm sure you wanted to go to bed normally. And here I am, trying to get answers out of you when you're tired." 

He loosened his grip on Lu Guang's hands at last, even though he didn't want to ever let go. 

"U-uhm. My bad for disturbing your reading time. I'll leave," he managed to croak out, cringing at how awful he sounded.

"Wait."

Just as Cheng Xiaoshi was about to do a very awkward walk of shame down the bunk bed ladder while barely being able to distinguish left from right, he felt a harsh tug on his sleeve that forced him to look back. 

Lu Guang's face was concealed almost entirely by the angle at which he was sitting, as though purposely trying to avoid the light from the window. However, Cheng Xiaoshi could tell that his breathing was shallower than before. 

If Cheng Xiaoshi was surprised before, he was even more shocked when he felt a familiar coolness return to his right hand, until their fingers were interlaced. He stared down at what he could see of their hands in disbelief. They'd held hands briefly before, but not like this, and Lu Guang was gripping onto him so tightly that he could feel his own pulse being squeezed.

"Lu... Guang?" he breathed out nervously, as he searchingly looked back up again. His breath caught a little when Lu Guang moved closer to him again, the moonlight hitting his face once more.

He blinked, wondering if it was a dream or something he was making up in the dark, but it was undeniable: there were a few tears streaking down Lu Guang's face. There was still the same fatigue in his eyes, but it looked less... tense, for once. As though he'd stopped trying to carry something that had been weighing so heavily on him, at least partway.

"You're... such an idiot," Lu Guang said slowly, using his other arm to wipe his face.

"Holy shit. Are you actually crying?" Cheng Xiaoshi was so taken aback that his previous insecurities seemed to melt away at once. He brought himself closer to the other again, blinking back his own tears as he could only manage to stare at him.

"No." Lu Guang looked a little red, as though he were embarrassed. 

"Sure looks like it."

"I'm not. There's... lots of dust up here."

"Dude, you literally clean this room every day. Even though you don't have to." He couldn't tell if he wanted to laugh or not at Lu Guang's poor excuse, and a smile broke across his face before he could stop it. Which probably looked really weird, considering he'd been crying as well, and it likely wasn't the appropriate response to give to your friend whom you had never seen cry before.

"You win," Lu Guang sighed, as he seemed to gain back some of his ability to talk. He didn't seem to notice that his fingers were squeezing around Cheng Xiaoshi's hand again, but he wasn't going to complain. Their hands being together like that felt right. "It's simply not that easy, Cheng Xiaoshi. To say everything. I can't do that. All these rules exist for a reason. I can't..." 

"I've told you before that I'm fine with you telling me things when you think the time's right, didn't I?" Cheng Xiaoshi reminded him, as he reached for where Lu Guang's other hand was. "Just don't take stuff on your own every single time. Qiao Ling's also been telling you that since, like, forever. Now who's the idiot here?" 

"Still not me. Your shirt's on backward."

"Wh—" He paused to check the collar of his shirt as he retracted the hand he'd reached out, and there it was: the tag was outside. Wow, that's embarrassing. "Not the point, Lu Guang! You're distracting me!"

Lu Guang huffed a soft laugh after trying and failing to suppress it, and it suddenly made Cheng Xiaoshi want to forgive him through his frustration. Not fair.

"I can't say everything. But I'll tell you a part of it," Lu Guang said with finality, although his voice wavered at the edges. "If that's fine."

Cheng Xiaoshi gave him a cheeky grin as he took the opportunity to take hold of Lu Guang's free hand. For some reason, he no longer felt as nervous doing so, now that Lu Guang had initiated first. "Of course it is. Why else do you think I came up here to annoy you?"

"Don't make me take it back."

"No, please don't! Tell me!"

"Fine. Just... give me a bit." Lu Guang regained some of his composure as he wiped the few tears that had spilled out, but he looked closed off again. He was clearly still holding back, but Cheng Xiaoshi could tell that whatever burden he was carrying wasn't something he could let out in one day.

That was fine. He could be patient.

After a shaky breath, he started speaking again, although he was pointedly looking at the wall rather than Cheng Xiaoshi. "I got reminded of the past when it came to Cai Shihui's situation, and... I froze. It was a momentary thing, so it isn't a big deal anymore. Our clients ask for specific things, so we should fulfill them without getting too involved. It was on me."

"If you rationalize your emotions one more time, I am really going to smack you," Cheng Xiaoshi threatened, but it was completely empty given the soft tone of his voice. "Honestly, I was pissed that you didn't seem affected by everything up until now. Like with Chen Xiao's case. But I was worried, too, now that I think about it." The last part came out weakly as he remembered what had happened in the photo. He still had nightmares over it, and it didn't help with his already-pervasive fear of earthquakes after his parents vanished. Lu Guang had been remarkably collected in comparison.

Even when he punched him, Lu Guang had held onto him anyway as he cried over Chen Xiao's mother. He still thought, bitterly, but regretfully, of how Lu Guang managed to keep himself so together. He seemed calm in every situation that called for it, while all Cheng Xiaoshi could do was get caught up in the waves of other people's emotions.

But maybe he didn't have it all together, either.

Lu Guang cast his gaze off to the side. It took him a bit to notice that he was shaking again. Cheng Xiaoshi almost wanted to hug him, but he wasn't sure if Lu Guang liked that kind of physical contact. It had already been a risk to hold his hands like this.

"My parents," Lu Guang started again, and he heard another voice crack within his otherwise composed tone, "were a bit like hers, too. It wasn't like I couldn't understand. How Cai Shihui felt when coming home there every day."

Cheng Xiaoshi's eyes widened a little. 

This was possibly the second time Lu Guang had ever mentioned his parents. Cheng Xiaoshi never pried too much into it, since it did seem like he was separated from them by a large way, but he hadn't known how bad it was.

"Sometimes, there's safety in the things you can't say to others," he continued more slowly, as though trying to avoid his own voice from cracking again. "Especially those close to you, like friends or family. You may not have agreed with it, but it was Cai Shihui's way of feeling safe by not saying anything. I never spoke up about myself, either."

"Ugh, I still don't get it myself. If I were Ying Mulin, I'd want Cai Shihui to tell me everything," Cheng Xiaoshi lamented, as he thought of the patience with which she treated her best friend, even when she got silent, and the way she leaned into the other girl's side. She clearly was devoted to being there for the other. She probably felt just as lonely as Cai Shihui after she moved away. "Her thoughts were so overwhelming. I couldn't take it. She's way too strong."

Lu Guang fell silent at that observation. It made Cheng Xiaoshi start staring at him again, as though trying to read that stoic face for a sign of some reaction. 

Then, he spoke one line that looked like it took him considerable effort to get out. "It's not strength alone. It's out of necessity, sometimes."

Necessity?

"You end up in a cycle," Lu Guang further elaborated, although his voice was breaking everywhere again, like how it had been during the dive. His voice sounded increasingly stressed, and he was biting his lips. "Everything ends up being the same. Nothing seems to change, and you can't break out of it, no matter what." 

Cheng Xiaoshi wasn't sure if he was talking about himself or Cai Shihui. It was like the lines between the two topics had blurred.

"Lu Guang..."

He kept going as though he hadn't even heard his voice. "There isn't anything else one can do, so you learn to live with it. Staying between the lines is better. Following set rules keeps everything organized. At least by doing that, nothing bad can happen, even if the person ends up being alone. Perhaps that really is the best solution, after all—"

"Lu Guang!"

There was an anguish written all over Lu Guang's face that he had never wanted to see, and he was clearly holding back his emotions again, his eyes glinting with unshed tears. It made Cheng Xiaoshi's heart feel like it was going to burst at seeing it.

Cheng Xiaoshi took the leap for the second time that night, tugging both of Lu Guang's arms towards himself until their faces were mere centimeters apart. It finally forced Lu Guang to stare at him head-on, breaking him out of the tangent he'd trapped himself in.

"I definitely don't know everything you're going through," Cheng Xiaoshi ventured, "but you won't be alone. And you don't need to be confined by those rules every single time. I'm here, right?"

"Why do you care about all this, Cheng Xiaoshi?" There was an incredible weariness to Lu Guang's tone. "I'm already better than before. I don't understand why you want to hear all of this."

"Well, you're..." Cheng Xiaoshi felt nausea building up as he fumbled for how to reply. He still hadn't figured out how to communicate what he wanted to Lu Guang, but his gut told him it was now or never. "You're my partner, right? So it only makes sense."

Lu Guang let out a shaky breath at the word partner. He ducked his head lower, the dark once again sweeping part of his hair into the nothingness of the room, although his eyes were still clearly visible.

"What do you mean by that, Cheng Xiaoshi?" was his only question. As though he might already know, but was making sure. It made Cheng Xiaoshi's pulse quicken a little, feeling more anxiety build up. Lu Guang's usually blank stare now looked all too expectant, as if his entire being was hanging in the balance of his next words. It made everything feel off-kilter.

"Like, I first used that word to describe us, back at the basketball court. I wasn't thinking too much at the time, I won't lie. It just felt right? And I've used it for us again when it came to our ability thing. But... there's more to it, now. At least to me, even if you don't feel the same."

Is this really okay to say to Lu Guang?

"I mean, it's only natural. That us being partners and living together started meaning everything to me. Since..." Cheng Xiaoshi was about to cry for the third time as he pushed the rest of the sentence out, "I love you a lot. And I don't think I'd ask for anything more than what we have right now."

They were quiet for a moment. The clock ticking no longer felt as ominous as it once did, probably because Lu Guang was holding his hand, making the room's darkness feel more welcoming and less isolating. However, it didn't stop his entire being from twisting and turning with dread at how his friend would respond to him. He really didn't know what he was doing.

"I see," Lu Guang said at last, although he didn't seem to react much. It was then that Cheng Xiaoshi had no clue if it came across properly, and he hoped someone would kill him right then and there. 

"That's not the only thing, though," he continued rambling, even though a part of him felt like he was talking way too much. He was panicking at this point. "I know I've been weird, too. I've always wanted to be close to you. But you never seem to like it. Which is fine! That's fine. And I don't know if it's okay to hug you super close or do those things, since I feel too much. I didn't know if it was romantic or not, since I started feeling weird things lately. Sorry if that's strange. I tried comparing the physical feelings to the dives, and god, I said it. I don't want to mess anything up, and a relationship would suck. But it would be nice if we could stay best friends, but also be a bit closer and, well, uh—"

Lightning should come from above and strike him right now. He was going to get kicked out of the studio by his best friend and live on the street. (The studio didn't even belong to Lu Guang.)

He finally got the courage to stare him in the face, wondering why the hell he wasn't saying anything.

His grey eyes stared at him blankly for a moment, as though he were still in a processing state. His brows were furrowed, and he'd retracted one of his hands from Cheng Xiaoshi's grasp in the commotion. He was covering his mouth for some reason, but he could tell his face was twitching. He was also breathing weirdly.

"Hey, what's up with you?" Cheng Xiaoshi could only ask, bewildered. "Lu Guang?"

In truth, he had no clue how Lu Guang would respond. But the way he reacted was the last thing he expected.

A single breath escaped from his mouth, and then he realized that Lu Guang was smiling. Not even in the light way he sometimes does when he thinks Cheng Xiaoshi isn't looking, but it was a wider one that made his gaze look incredibly soft, even fond, and it was trained directly at him. His hand was doing futile work in trying to conceal it. Cheng Xiaoshi was going to pass out.

As if the moment hadn't already been astonishing enough, Lu Guang started laughing quietly. It felt different than before. He no longer had that suppression that he usually wore like a barrier he couldn't quite shake off, and his eyes were glistening.

"So that's what you've been so bothered about this week," Lu Guang said in a whisper-quiet tone. "And during that time in the dive. I'm not surprised, honestly."

Huh?

"Did you pick up on that?!" Cheng Xiaoshi cried out, feeling a bit scandalized at Lu Guang laughing during possibly the most terrifying confession of his life. He thought it would surely lead to his best friend disowning him. Not Lu Guang smiling at him like that. His heart felt like it was going to quit right then and there.

"Well, not the full thing, obviously. But you've been less touchy lately. You wear your emotions all over your face," he explained, as Cheng Xiaoshi was in between shooting daggers at him with his eyes and crying. "But now that I think about it, your thoughts got jumbled during that time." His voice became even softer than it already was. "They reminded you of us, those two."

"Ugh, yeah. You got me," he groaned, wanting to collapse right then and there. He really couldn't hide anything. He then decided to make a joke, even though it looked pathetic since tears kept falling down his face. "So my emotions are written all over my face? Do you stare at it often?"

Lu Guang paused to glare at him, but it was milder than it should have been, which lowered its effectiveness. "Shut up."

He grinned in reply, but then he suddenly felt a bit weak as he shuffled closer to Lu Guang. "It really is weird, though, isn't it? To have those kinds of feelings, if I want to be best friends. And like, partners, but... y'know."

"Don't you already know the answer to that if you were in Cai Shihui?" Lu Guang said exasperatedly, as he gradually allowed Cheng Xiaoshi to lean on his shoulder with a quivering hand, as though nervous.

Well, if he were to be honest, Cheng Xiaoshi didn't have the answer. Not even close. "I'm really confused still. When it comes to those two," Cheng Xiaoshi admitted. "The letter was written like a confession, but it wasn't like anything I've seen."

Lu Guang sighed, in the same way he usually did whenever he was trying to chide him for running off and doing something brash again, but he then brought a shaky hand to his back. It looked like Lu Guang was trying to comfort him, even though he wasn't used to the physical contact. Cheng Xiaoshi dipped his head further into his shoulder, burying his nose into the fabric.

"Since when was there a rule saying you couldn't feel that way for friends? Doesn't your heart feel light when you hang out with people? Do you have romantic feelings for them all, in that case?"

This felt oddly reminiscent of what Qiao Ling was telling him. He felt his face burning a little. "W-well… no, and I guess I get what you mean by that. But isn't it too much, what I feel for you? Or uncomfortable?" Cheng Xiaoshi attempted to make the mood more light-hearted, although his cracking voice did no favors. "Haha. Don't you like rules?"

"You're seriously an idiot. I don't necessarily like rules. I just—" He stopped himself for a second. Again. Lu Guang always looked too scared of saying things, but it made Cheng Xiaoshi want him to say them even more.

"You what?" Cheng Xiaoshi followed up, not wanting him to stop speaking.

"It's partly because I'm scared," Lu Guang admitted, as though he'd said something close to his heart that he never really wanted to say. "Of feeling too much. I've never allowed myself to become used to it. It's not something I can do."

"Well, fuck those rules. You can feel what you want to."

Lu Guang looked a bit skeptical. "Perhaps." He seemed to realize he went off topic, because he cleared his throat. "Anyway, it's a normal physiological response. You're likely experiencing it more because you're self-aware of how close we are. Doesn't mean someone's going to possess you or make you do something you don't want."

Cheng Xiaoshi's brain went slightly offline at the verbose way he said that. "Physiological? Stop making my feelings sound all scientific? Next, you're going to say love is just a chemical reaction or something."

"It is, though."

"Can you stop with th—" Cheng Xiaoshi was about to protest again, but then he realized that Lu Guang's eyes were sparkling with humor, a smile on his face that only grew when he saw Cheng Xiaoshi's expression.

"You're teasing me on purpose!"

"Am I? Why would I do that?" Lu Guang feigned innocence, but that dumb smile of his didn't fade, and he felt like his entire system was going to log off. Cheng Xiaoshi was tempted to push him.

"Either way," Lu Guang said conclusively, "I think what those two had was something that couldn't be labeled. That's probably what it was."

"I guess confessions like that exist, too, then."

There was a lull in their conversation as Cheng Xiaoshi pressed himself closer to Lu Guang, until he swore he could hear his friend's own heartbeat. He felt his breath hitch when he realized Lu Guang's hand had moved where his hair was, but it continued hovering above it. 

"It's fine," Cheng Xiaoshi whispered in reply to his silent gesture, as he momentarily withdrew from his shoulder to look at Lu Guang. He stared back, uncertain.

And then Lu Guang gently started moving his hand through his hair. Cheng Xiaoshi felt more tears well up at the sensation. It wasn't out of sadness, but a mixture of bittersweet feelings. He never thought something like this could ever happen. But it was comforting.

"I didn't give you my answer to everything you said," Lu Guang whispered after a few minutes of them sitting in the dark like that. "Sorry that I took a while."

"I-It's fine!" Cheng Xiaoshi stuttered, feeling anxious all over again. "You really don't have to agree to all of that. I know you don't like opening up too much, or being like that, so—"

"I'd like to try. Since... I feel the same for you." Lu Guang's voice sounded nervous at the edges as he said that, and he could no longer maintain eye contact. "Sure, I'm not used to being in close proximity with someone else, or whatever else you have in mind, but we can try. Like, hugging more and whatever else." He looked embarrassed when saying the words.

Oh. Okay. He totally didn't feel like his entire being was on fire. Not at all.

"So you're not throwing me out of the studio?" Cheng Xiaoshi asked, which made Lu Guang's hand pause in his hair for a moment. 

Even though he couldn't see Lu Guang's face from his position, he could already imagine his perplexed face as he took the question very literally. "No. I don't think I have the authority to do that. What does that mean?"

Cheng Xiaoshi laughed at the reply as he pulled away so he could take in his best friend's face, which was slightly flushed again. "Nothing! I'm happy, though. We really are partners for life!"

Lu Guang turned even more red at that statement. "Okay, yeah, we are partners. Idiot."

"You can't call me that anymore, Guangguang!" he whined as he mockingly brought a fist to his face. "You said I wasn't an idiot. You can't take it back."

"When did I say that?" Lu Guang sent him an innocent blank stare and blinked twice, which successfully managed to set Cheng Xiaoshi off again.

"You're the worst. I hate you."

"Sure. Say that to yourself from two minutes ago."

Lu Guang moved back a little to check the time on his watch: 00:58. He winced at the sight. "We need to sleep. Don't you have a lot of customers coming in early tomorrow?"

"Ugh, yeah," Cheng Xiaoshi groaned as he also glanced at Lu Guang's watch in dismay. He felt mildly giddy at this point from how the night had progressed, to the point that he didn't even want to sleep anymore. Talking with Lu Guang felt like a much better option. "Don't wanna."

"Well, we need to. We can talk more in the morning about this, if you'd like."

"Fine," he sighed, taking in one last look at Lu Guang's face. He really didn't want to forget this moment, so he kept drinking in every detail, including the way his gaze had become softer than it usually was. It made everything inside him feel lighter, but he wasn't scared of the feeling anymore. It would feel lonely, though, going back to the lower bunk. "I'll get going then."

Lu Guang looked confused. "Where?"

"Huh?" Was Cheng Xiaoshi misunderstanding something?

"You said it was like a sleepover, so you could also..." Lu Guang looked like he didn't have the courage to say the rest of the words. Cheng Xiaoshi could immediately tell what he meant, though. He wanted him to stay.

"You want me to sleep with you?" he almost yelped, which made the other jump from the tumultuous change in volume.

"Don't say that so loud," Lu Guang hissed, eyes darting to the door as though something would jump out at them at any moment. "It's just, if you want to stay here, that's fine. I guess."

Lu Guang typically didn't want Cheng Xiaoshi anywhere remotely near his own bunk, much less his personal space (although Lu Guang always failed to get rid of him), so this statement was absolutely shocking to him. He felt like leaping out of the window. 

"Are you really okay with that?" Cheng Xiaoshi had to clarify again. He didn't want Lu Guang to feel obligated to, after all.

"I wouldn't be offering if I wasn't. Don't make me take it back."

"...Okay. I'd like that."

Despite how nervously Cheng Xiaoshi's heart had been thudding at the prospect of it, something about having Lu Guang sleeping right next to him felt relaxing. He wouldn't mind doing it more often. It was something he'd thought about a bit too much, honestly.

The two stared at each other for a moment longer after Cheng Xiaoshi's words, as though frozen in time, until he took the first move in clasping onto Lu Guang's right arm.

And then he wrenched him downwards too hard by accident out of his anxiety. They both catapulted harshly into the pillow, which was a bit too small for two people. It was cramped.

"Ow..." Lu Guang complained as he elbowed Cheng Xiaoshi's arm in retaliation, both of them still reeling from the impact and the awkward way they landed. "At least warn me first, won't you?"

"Sorry. I wasn't thinking." 

"When do you ever?" Lu Guang jabbed at him, although he was smiling again as he turned to look at Cheng Xiaoshi from where he was. 

"Damn. These beds are small." Cheng Xiaoshi was trying to get comfortable, but the railing was digging into his back, which was one of the only things keeping him up there. Lu Guang was pressed closer to the wall, which likely wasn't as annoying as the sensation of metal, but not all that better.

"That's what you get for being broke. Pay off your debt, and maybe we can get a bigger one."

"Stop! You sound like Qiao Ling."

After a while of staring at Lu Guang for far longer than he wanted to admit, Cheng Xiaoshi pressed closer to him again. Lu Guang let out a small breath of surprise, as though apprehensive, but he reciprocated by pulling an arm around him, until their foreheads were almost touching.

Cheng Xiaoshi no longer felt nervous as his heartbeat slowed. It was natural, like most of their everyday life. Neither of them had to do anything special for it to mean something, and Lu Guang's patient, caring look was more than enough for him. He wanted to remember it forever.

Lu Guang looked a bit nervous, though. He tried to push himself farther back into the wall and away from the other, breaking their contact. Cheng Xiaoshi's eyes flashed with worry.

"I'm not used to this. Sorry." His straight-laced friend seemed to be in between wanting to hold his hands or escape from the bed altogether, from how he looked. 

"Hey, it's fine. Take your time, okay?"

"Okay." Lu Guang sucked in a shuddering breath and took his hand.

They spent quite a while holding hands, not exactly bridging the gap between them. But knowing his best friend was there was enough. The gap didn't have to be sealed in one day.

At one point, he felt himself grow tired as the minutes passed by, but then he noticed Lu Guang's hands tense in his own grasp. He looked up to see that his eyes were a bit misty. The look faded away when he noticed Cheng Xiaoshi staring, but he seemed to be on edge.

He knew Lu Guang would probably deny his uptight behavior if he pointed it out, stubborn as he was. He's always comforting me, but he won't let me do the same. He didn't seem to want to show Cheng Xiaoshi his tears, either, considering how quickly he'd wiped them away the first time.

Cheng Xiaoshi decided to silently make a move instead, tentatively wrapping one arm around him while making direct eye contact as if to ask if it was fine. Lu Guang looked conflicted in response, but then he weakly nodded his assent and, surprisingly, returned the gesture with his own arm this time.

He further wasn't expecting Lu Guang to bring his head closer to his own, until Cheng Xiaoshi's face was directly tucked under his chin. His eyes flew open at that, but then he smiled a little against his neck. He couldn't help but feel amused by Lu Guang's actions. He's like a big cat. He stopped himself from saying that thought out loud, for once. Their legs ended up being slightly entangled from their closeness.

And when he heard Lu Guang shuffle a little and felt his wet tears against his face, neither uttered a word as Cheng Xiaoshi rubbed soothing circles into his back, a silent action that he hoped would tell his partner that he would be there for him. That everything would be okay.

They didn't have to say anything out loud. Imperfect and messy as it was, he'd wait for Lu Guang many lifetimes over if he had to.