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“Monster! That child is a monster!” A villager yells out.
The sight the man was greeted with was of a child, standing over a dead body, covered in blood.
The knife in its hands was small and dull. It would've taken considerable effort to hurt someone with that.
Yet it did.
The red stains on the child’s face and hands sharply contrasted its white hair and otherwise pristine clothes. “No… I—” The child mumbled, gripping the blade tightly.
These were bad people. Mother had said so. He was doing a good thing. So why were they calling him a monster?
A gentle hand pried the blade from him before ruffling his hair. “Today marks a very important milestone in your life. You're finally ready to serve Avia.”
Hearing those words from his own mother should’ve brought the boy pride, joy or at least some emotion. His thoughts lingered on the villagers' words though.
“I'm… not a monster? I'm not doing a bad thing?”
“Shh, everything will be okay. You did a great thing,” She paused to kneel and hug him, “Sometimes people don't understand the difficult work our organization does and it will be your job to teach them from now on.”
He remained confused but chose to trust her words. Maybe he'd understand why it was so important to her when he grew up.
“Let's go home, my dear.” The mother scooped the boy into her arms. She then whispered something—an order perhaps?—to a person he didn't recognize before walking away.
He could vaguely make out sounds of screaming as they got farther away but it was fine, right? They were bad people. Mother would never lie.
The same nightmare again. He'd lost count how many times he relived that memory in the past few months. It's as if his mind was mocking him for wanting to turn a new leaf and atone for his past sins.
“What would a child know about the weight of taking a life?” Id thought to himself, sighing deeply, staring up at the cabin’s ceiling.
Instead of trying to sleep again, going to the ship's deck might do him some good. Get some fresh air, look at the stars, clear his mind, something like that.
Being too tired to fiddle with the usual ensemble, he decided to throw on anything closest to him, shirt or boots be damned.
The air on the deck was cold alright.
What was more surprising was seeing people still milling about so late. Were they bored primals or other poor sleepless bastards like him? Suppose it didn't matter either way.
“Mother would never lie…” Id mumbled to himself again.
It was almost funny how much of a lie that turned out to be. How many people had he killed under that false pretense? How much pain had he inflicted on others because he wasn't brave enough to confront the truth? How could he be accepte—
“Id? What are you doing up so late?” A concerned voice cut through his self-deprecating spiral.
It belonged to a boy who endlessly doted on him. Whenever Id thought he didn't belong among his allies, Gran would—very loudly—remind him he was just as deserving of friendship and love as anyone else. He could never bring himself to believe those words but it did feel… nice to know someone was so stubborn about changing his attitude.
“Hm? I could ask you the same question.”
“True…” Gran conceded, “I had a nightmare and needed some fresh air.”
“Ah, you too?” Id replied softly. He wondered what sort of nightmare would shake someone that gladly threw himself in danger as a solution for most problems.
“Oh, it's nothing. Happens every once in a while,” Gran waved a hand to dismiss the thought but paused for a second, “Wait, what do you mean you too?”
It was Id’s turn to dodge the question, he stayed silent for a moment,“I’ve dealt with nightmares for years, I'll be fine.”
They awkwardly stared at the night sky in silence for a couple of minutes until Gran gently elbowed him to break the tension.
“Would it help if we talked? I can go first if that makes you more comfortable.”
Id let out an annoyed little huff at the jab but otherwise stayed silent.
Taking note of his silence, Gran changed the topic. "Before that, aren't you cold?"
He motioned vaguely to Id only wearing a pair of rather low-hanging boxers and a small jacket.
An embarrassing part of his mind couldn't help but linger on the trail of hair leading into his boxers or resist thinking about planting kisses and hickeys there. He prayed to whatever Gods are out there Id didn't notice him staring.
"Oh, I'm fine. The dragon blood in my veins keeps me warm. But are you okay?" Id leaned in closer to study Gran's face, making him jolt back a bit in surprise, "Your face is suddenly rather red. It would be bad if you caught a cold."
"Y-yeah! It's just really chilly, I'll be fine. I promise. A-anyway—have you ever been to the Raduga?" Id's confused head tilt is all he needed to continue speaking, "Ladiva transformed the unused galley we had into a night bar for poor souls like us who can't sleep. Or bored primals."
"That would explain seeing people around even this late at night." Id recalled the sight on his way to the deck, to which Gran just nodded in agreement.
"Would you like to go there to talk? It would be a lot warmer at least."
"Sounds good."
"Ladiva-saaan, can I order two hot chocolates?" Gran wasted no time in ordering them warm beverages as they stepped into the bar.
"Sure thing, hun! I'll be with you in a moment." Ladiva shouted across the bar as she was finishing with another customers order.
"Oh, I don't believe I've met you?" She glanced at Id as she grabbed mugs for their drinks.
"Oh. Um.. Name's Id. Nice to meet you." He mumbled out.
"It's lovely to meet you darling, feel free to take a seat anywhere while waiting!" She motioned to the free seats at the bar and the smaller booths to the side.
After looking around for a moment, Id decided to slide into one of booths in the back.
"What are you doing?" He looked at Gran sitting down next to him in mild confusion and amusement.
"You said the dragon stuff you have keeps you warm and well, I'm cold. I wanna mooch." Id couldn't help but chuckle at how smug Gran looked as he pressed flush against his shoulder.
"So… about that nightmare you mentioned?"
"I guess I did talk myself into a corner there…" Gran sighed in defeat.
"I keep—" His explanation got cut off by Ladiva setting down their drinks. Seeing them sitting side by side intrigued her but decided to not comment on it. Instead, she ruffled Gran's hair gently then went back to the front.
After fixing his hair and taking a sip of the hot chocolate to calm down, he continued, "I keep having this… bizarre nightmare. It changes slightly but the 'structure' always remains the same."
"It— I'm— I'm scared, quite honestly. It feels too real to be a nightmare. Like— Like trying to recall a memory you've long suppressed instead of something my brain cooked up to haunt me," He took a deep breath, "I keep watching people die to protect me during an Otherworld invasion. Every time it's a different person. Or— Or I think I can save them this time but something different ends up killing them."
He tightened the grip on his mug, as if hoping it would've somehow quelled the pit forming in his stomach. "Logically I should just dismiss it as overactive anxiety at work but I keep waking up convinced it's real. And— And I feel like I'm going insane bec—"
Gran's spiraling thoughts were interrupted by Id gently prying his fingers away from the mug. He intertwined them with his own, placing a small kiss on the knuckles.
"I don't have any words of comfort to offer because I can't quite imagine how scary that is but," He thought for a moment how to best phrase the comment, "Since having the elpis choker removed, I've realized there's… discrepancies between what I thought I knew and what actually happened. Gallanza and Maggie would humor me whenever I needed to figure out which were the 'correct' events. So.. I'm sure crewmates wouldn't mind you pestering them to put your mind at ease."
"Or something like that. I'm not really good at these kind of conversations." He sheepishly admitted, scratching the back of his neck with his free hand.
Gran stayed silent, sniffling and wiping his face with a sleeve long enough that Id worried he might've said something wrong. Instead, he turned towards him and smiled weakly, "Thank you.. I'm not good with these conversations either— Silly, considering I brought it up first, I know. But it's nice just getting things off your chest sometimes."
Id nodded in agreement, "Yeah.. It's nice. I uh— I guess it's my turn now?"
"You don't have to—"
"It's fine, gotta keep my end of the deal."
"I've been having the same nightmare almost every night for about a month or two now. It's gone from upsetting to just frustrating in its frequency—" He let out a deep sigh, as if ashamed to even mention it, "The first time I ever killed someone was when I was barely 7. I didn't even know what death really meant. Mother— Lilith was really happy with me and got me to start training to be her guard shortly after that."
He stared at his mug for a while, opening and closing his mouth without saying anything; with so many overlapping thoughts and things he wanted to say, he didn't know where to start unraveling the mess.
Gran gave their interlocked fingers a gentle squeeze to reassure him.
"I fancied myself a savior of the realm... or something. In the end I was just her lap dog and butcher," His voice was trembling, barely above a whisper, "How can you bear having me in your crew? I've—"
"I'm flattered you think so highly of me and the crew but I have killed people, y'know. I would've died a long time ago if I didn't." Gran saying it in such a matter of fact tone, as if they were discussing the weather or something inconsequential, caught Id off guard.
Being read to filth by his partner before he could even finished the thought admittedly stung a bit.
"I know me saying that won't magically erase the things you did but... It makes me so sad hearing you say you don't deserve to be alive, let alone be happy!"He squeezes his hand tightly as added emphasis, "I... I think you deserve to just... exist or be messy with everything you've been through. I want you to be happy, Id."
It's as if a dam had broken upon hearing those last few words. He wanted to object and throw out a dozen excuses for why he didn't deserve such kindness but it felt like a big lump stuck in his throat, making it hard for him to breathe.
After failing—miserably—to blink away the tears that pricked at his eyes, Id turned his upper body to fully embrace him.
Gran's arms floundered in the air for a bit before settling on squeezing his partner, burying his head in the crook of his shoulder. Hearing Id sob quietly broke his heart but he hoped it lifted some weight off his chest.
"Feel better?" Instead of replying, Id nodded, giving a light squeeze in return.
"I'm glad, you look like shit though." Gran pulled away to look at him, wiping away the remaining tears from his face.
"Rude!" Id shot back while chuckling.
"Maybe! It did get a laugh out of you though. Anyway, I should get back to my room—" His sentence was interrupted by a yawn, "The cold air on the ship deck might wake me up again though…"
"We could try sleeping here?" After a moment of thought, Id turned to push a hand against the booth cushion. It sprang back into place slowly once he moved away from it, "The cushions are really soft and you could lean on me if you want."
"Cuddling in public? How scandalous…" Gran hid his face in his hands in mock embarrassment, earning himself a playful jab in the rib. "Ow, point taken. I wouldn't mind it though."
He placed a hand on Id's chest and gently pushed him against the cushion then adjusted himself to sit in his lap before leaning on his chest. "Good night. Talking like this really helped a lot."
"Mmm.. It was nice. Good night." Id wrapped his arms around Gran's waist, leaning his chin against the others head.