Chapter Text
lloyd has dealt with quite a handful of curses in his life as a ninja. magic forces seem to be an ever-lasting constant in his life, willing themselves into existence in many shapes and forms. there were some as ancient as oni sorcery, old enough to remember the era before time had a name. he firsthand experienced his father falling victim to said curse, a good man banished to the cursed realm. in fact, lloyd was the one who sent him there.
even though years have passed since that day, he still dreams about it, a nightmare so real it feels like it’s happening all over again. tears run down his cheeks as a headache rips his thoughts apart and he wonders if his dad was in pain when he was sacrificing himself. sweat glistens on his skin, making him feel disgusted with himself — deep down, he knows it’s not the clammy skin that makes him feel so, but the rotten part of himself, hidden somewhere inside beneath his bones.
the day they defeated chen and his army lingers around in lloyd’s mind pretty much every single day of his life.
he misses his father a lot, even though technically he still is out there, or an alternate version of him. lloyd can’t bring himself to call him that — dad — because he isn’t. that’s not the man who taught him to rise mountains, build bridges and that fighting is not always the right way of winning. that’s not the man who made lloyd into the person he is today, who made him realize people deserve to be given a second chance. the teenager wonders if his dad would be proud of him.
the alive version of garmadon isn’t, that’s for sure. but the garmadon that harumi jade brought to their world is a whole different topic.
lloyd sees garmadon as a ghost now — a man once alive, now a shadow of himself. he knows that’s not how it works, you can’t just turn someone into a spirit when they aren’t the version of themselves you’d like them to be. It’s easier to pretend his father is a dead man than an evil one, though. lloyd has had enough experiences of people leaving him behind, either because they died or because they decided to leave him. lloyd never sees them again, once they did.
but spirits and ghosts are very real. they have fallen to some curses, too.
most people would consider death a curse. something powerful, divine even though every single mundane person eventually experiences it. lloyd thinks of death more as an escape, a way out in case living gets too hard.
he hopes he won’t become a supernatural phantom. he wants to take his last breath and rot in the ground. lloyd imagines being a ghost can’t be a very positive experience. cole would agree. some ghosts might be good, but most spirits lose their way after they die and become bitter and angry.
morro being one of them. lloyd will never forget how cold and weak he’s felt when the man was in control of his body. he had tried to explain what it was like many times after, when he was finally free of him. he never quite managed to, feeling so unreal and out of this world, lloyd wasn’t able to create a sentence that would come even remotely close to describing what it was like.
he doesn’t like to think about it. lloyd has pushed it deep down, alongside the occasional panic attacks, trembling of his hands so intense he can’t hold a mug, violent body chills because he can never get quite warm enough. the depressive episodes he has from time to time when another anniversary of being possessed is right around the corner. lloyd fears he’ll never get over what happened, no matter how hard he tries to pretend that it never did.
all because fate decided that he would make a good green ninja. that the destiny of overcoming the great evil would fall upon him. no one cared if lloyd didn’t want it — that heavy burden that lies on his shoulders, the green gi that is a clear symbol of who he is (or rather is supposed to be), the energy in a vibrant shade of green that seems to be almost alive whenever he summons it. most people would be honored to be chosen for such an important role. lloyd isn’t. he never wanted to be the savior of ninjago. he never wanted to be the one to fulfill the ancient destiny that fate pushed onto him many years before he was even born.
after many years of being a green ninja, he’d go as far as saying that the prophecy that made him one could also be considered a curse. the golden boy, the chosen one, the hero. it all sounds pretty and mighty until he goes to bed and can’t sleep a full night without being haunted by the things he’s done to get and later on maintain that title. it’s an honor until he’s fighting for survival every single day and lives in a constant fear of losing people he cares about and is lucky enough to call a family. being the chosen one is not something he'd chose for herself if he could, but he wouldn't wish it on anyone else either.
so, given all that, lloyd thinks it is quite valid to consider himself cursed. even if it’s not dark magic or a prophecy… but maybe just an ironic way of the universe laughing in his face. like, "so what if you’re the grandson of the highest being who created the world you live in? you still face death everyday!". lloyd believes he’s just unlucky like that.
maybe it’s the oni blood he inherited from his father, alongside the sharp canines and blood-red eyes that only changed color when he went through puberty and tapped into his elemental powers. maybe it’s the lack of a person who could guide him and raise him to understand the differences between good and evil. maybe it’s the fact that he was seen as a weapon from a very young age. maybe he’s just fated to be an unlucky boy filled with misery.
he's a heart that was born in a raging storm — the weather serving as a forecast for his life — that started hundreds of years before his parents even met, back when his father was a young kid and got bit by the great devourer. lightning, rain and thunder seem to be following lloyd since the first day on earth, and continue to do so. he thinks back to when his heart was forming in a darkness of his father's shadow and coldness of his mother's absence.
he remembers the first time he thought he might be cursed; and it was when misako decided to get rid of him.
lloyd never really understood why misako enrolled him in darkley's boarding school.
research, she said. he nodded and said he gets it, even though he didn’t and still doesn’t.
the five year old version of him could never grasp the concept of work being more important than your own child.
this will be good for you, lloyd, she told him.
lloyd closes his eyes and thinks about that time. it wasn’t good for him, it really wasn’t, no matter how many times his mother repeated it and how hard the boy tried to convince himself.
lloyd misses his mom as days pass by and she doesn't come back to get him out of this bad place. he silently prays to whatever is up there: "please, if you’re real and you’re listening, bring her back to me". nothing ever answers him. he stops praying before his first full year at the school goes by, deciding that there is no higher being out there. he’s on his own.
whenever he has a chance to breathe without other boys and teachers bullying him, he reminisces on the little amount of memories he has with his mother. her grey eyes linger in his mind, that specific look in them he never could decode.
most nights, lloyd feels homesick. he misses his bed and his dinosaur-coded duvet. he misses his dog and wonders where she went and if his mom was taking care of her. he wants to be back in his house, safe in his room, he wants his dog in the door. she used to sit there, watching him as he feel asleep, making lloyd feel secure.
but there’s no sign of his childhood pet here, nor his mother. it doesn’t matter if he whispers "come on home" when he sees a shooting star or a clover. no wish or prayer is answered, his begging left unheard.
his mother left him and she isn’t coming back.
he thinks back to that one night that he was sure he could never erase from his mind.
it was the last day of august. he woke up in the middle of the night, a silent break from yet another one of his weird dreams that always left him in a weird state of mind. he got up, smoothly avoiding stepping on his dog’s tail as she was sleeping in the doorway. he followed his mother’s voice coming from the kitchen and was about to enter, when he heard his name.
"lloyd" misako said. lloyd froze in his tracks, confused by how she saw him in a completely dark hall. he was about to answer her when she spoke again, saying his name once more in her formal voice.
"with two l’s and an y" it was that specific tone she used when she answered work calls, during which lloyd wasn’t allowed to interrupt her. he stayed silent, standing barefoot in the hall, watching his mother’s figure in the kitchen.
the fridge was slightly ajar, shining a dim light on the floor. his mom was standing next to it and it was the only reason he was able to see her.
why was she saying his name on the phone?
"m-o-n-t-g-o-m-e-r-y" she spelled out, nodding as someone talked on the other side of the call. lloyd remembers the way his brows furrowed in confusion. mom used her own last name. she only did that when it wasn’t safe for lloyd to be seen as the son of garmadon. lloyd has never met his father, but he knows of his legend, and in his dreams he has conversations with him. he never quite remembers what they talk about or what he looks like, face lost in a cloud of blur. somehow, deep down, he knows it’s his father.
"yeah. yes. he’s five" lloyd didn’t understand. who was she talking to on the phone in the middle of the night? "tomorrow is fine. yes"
the faint overhearing of his mom on the phone left him uneasy, the apprehensive attitude entering his body. he wanted to enter the kitchen and question his mother; who she was talking to and why was she discussing him with someone else, and what was supposed to happen the next day.
but he knew those were things he shouldn’t know. he backed away, entering his room with questions lingering on his tongue.
little did he know, the next day, on september first, he was dropped off at darkley’s boarding school, which left him with even more unanswered questions.
the following months are hell. he spends his sixth birthday alone, crying in his pillow while the moon shines brightly in the sky. it's the only day that stands out to him, all other weeks filled with teachings and beatings. lloyd doesn’t remember the next few months very vividly, memories blurring into one twisted experience of bruises, curses and fights.
lloyd starts hating misako during the first year here. he hates archeology. he hates french braids. he hates everything that reminds him of her. he hates darkley’s school for bad boys, and the name that indicates he’s a bad boy.
the blonde wonders why his mom chose this specific school. if it really was about getting him into a boarding school, she could’ve picked anything else. on particularly bad days, lloyd thinks it’s because she fears he will turn out to be like his dad.
so of course, lloyd eventually starts turning bitter and goes against his mother; he decides he will be as evil as his father.
it takes a tool on him; his subconsciousness decides to haunt him too, and he dreams about his father more often than not. his tall, dark figure hides in the corners of his mind, features unrecognizable. some mornings when he wakes up in his room, he is convinced that his father had actually spoken to him. the weird feeling lingers on his skin for the rest of the day like an itch he can’t reach. it makes him apprehensive towards the nighttime.
the days aren’t much better. he begins to lose hope of ever seeing his mom again as days go by, watching seasons change through the small window in his room. boys are awfully rude and every single day something bad happens.
he endures it, driven by the naive desperation that misako will soon come back and get him out of here. she doesn’t even though autumn is slowly passing by, leaves falling from the trees. he envies them, somehow; they’re all so carefree, through the seasons, unaware of the fall. lloyd wishes he wasn’t paying attention to the time passing by, but he does. misako doesn’t show up when snow falls heavily, making him shiver at night, and not when everything blooms outside, spring evident thanks to the flowers outside that his newly-made friend brad tudabone secretly cares for.
it's not an activity a bad boy should be doing. lloyd doesn't get why, even though doesn't like flowers as much as brad does.
the blonde doesn’t snitch on him. he doesn’t dare to, too afraid to face the consequences. he also feels too rotten inside to really do anything. and, brad is the only person in the entire school who doesn't give him total shit.
sure, he didn't appreciate fire ants in his bed, but they moved on from that. they're on neutral ground and lloyd decides it's enough, secretly calls him a friend in the safety of his mind, and sends him soft smiles when no one is looking.
spring turns into summer. lloyd remembers that his mom likes the sun, and so he doesn't step a foot outside of the building for the next three months. june, july and august pass by and his skin remains as pale as it was during winter. freckles on his face get replaced by dark eye bags and occasional bruises.
brad talks to his older sister on the phone during the night. lloyd never realizes how far from home he's feeling until he hears their excited chatter and when all he sees are the shadows crossing the ceiling.
summer ends abruptly, the sky is decorated with dark clouds more often than not. september is behind the corner and so is the new school year, alongside the anniversary of lloyd attending the boarding school. all of the sudden, he starts missing the sun again. he refuses to believe it's almost been a year.
summer's end came faster than he wanted.
during his second year at darkley’s, misako forgets his birthday.
september twenty second goes by like any other day, and lloyd doesn’t celebrate. he wishes he was home; his mom would let him as much candy as he wanted.
at school, it’s hard to get any candy or fun toys because they're always busy teaching him how to pull tricks and take over the world and stuff. what he did get, though, was a beating in the morning. apparently he looked at finn tully, a guy a few years older than him, in the wrong way.
lloyd sniffles at the memory of the metallic taste of blood in his mouth. his ribs still hurt.
happy birthday to me, he thinks. there’s no wishes, no cake, no gifts.
there’s also no birthday gift like the one he got a year ago. lloyd wonders if seven is the age when you stop celebrating your birthday; if it means you’re too grown to do it. he wonders if there is a reason why misako hasn’t written. he thinks of all the cool things she must be doing in whatever country she’s in.
he wonders what new things she learned since the last time she reached out to him.
the letter comes a week later, dated to be written on september twenty third.
hi, lloyd, this is mama.
i missed your birthday yesterday, i’m sorry! my coworker said she’d remind me, but we got too busy working and everything but i remembered today. happy birthday, lloyd, and i love you. sorry i didn't get you a gift this year! write me, please. how is darkley’s? you have not reached out in a while. i miss you and i miss reading your letters.
lloyd stops reading the words on the page after that, letters blurring together. he’s breathing fast, too fast, he can’t calm down. panic squeezes his throat so tight it feels like he can’t breathe. he rips the paper with his trembling hands, tears running down his cheeks and wetting the letter, blurring the words written in black ink.
the now ruined letter ends up in trash, to which lloyd throws in a few burning matches. small flames lick the card and the envelope it came in. he watches the scraps of paper turn into ash as fire dies down. the tears dry on his cheeks, leaving only glistening tracks on his face. he doesn't write her back.
he embraces the reality of the school. he steals a black hood so the long sleeves can cover the bruises on his arms.
lloyd hates his mother a little bit more than he did before he got the birthday letter. he doesn't open any of the others that come in after, and eventually, misako stops sending them. lloyd pretends it doesn't feel like someone ripped his heart out and left a huge hole.
lloyd stops thinking of misako as his mother on the third anniversary of attending the school. he decides that no parent would leave their child in a place as evil and morally rotten as this.
he makes up plans to escape this place, then gives up as soon as he realizes he has nowhere to go. in theory, he could just get out through the window and never look back. it's not like this shithole had anything to offer him.
but he also doesn't want to leave brad. not that he'd ever tell him that, though.
they've grown closer recently. lloyd tries to ignore his burning cheeks and sweaty palms whenever they're too close, blaming the heat outside. who cares if it's september and sun hasn't came out from behind the curtain made out of cloud. lloyd doesn't voice out loud whatever is happening between them, doesn't acknowledge it, too scared of ruining it.
(or someone finding out. lloyd doesn't think he'd make it out alive from all the beatings he'd get if this got out.)
he celebrates his eighth birthday in the silence of his room, practicing his evil laugh. he hates it and the way it sounds unnatural and wrong. it's forced and barely makes it through his lips. he feels disgusted with himself. why is he constantly trying to be someone he's not? he bets his dad doesn't laugh like this.
it's a shitty day until the evening comes, everyone's asleep in their rooms and brad tells him he has a surprise for him.
"what surprise?" lloyd asks, slightly anticipating what’s coming. he trusts brad, but the memory of finding fire ants in his bed pops up in his head and suddenly he isn’t sure what to expect anymore.
when he gets the newest edition of "starfarer", the blonde is about to actually shit his pants.
"do you like it?" brad asks, voice gentle and warm in a way that only shows when it's just the two of them. lloyd has no words to describe his excitement, so he acts on instinct, letting his body take over. he drops the act and throws his hands around brad's neck, happy giggles escaping his throat before he can stop them from coming. happiness burns in his chest in a way that hasn't happened in a long time.
"thank you" lloyd murmurs. when the other boy hugs him back and he feels his hands on his lower back, his stomach twists. they stay in the embrace for a short while and lloyd falls asleep with a smile on his lips.
that same year, for brad's birthday, he sneaks out to the city and steals a flower pot that he decorates himself. he's never been much of an artist, but he used to draw as a little kid. he lets his muscle memory work and soon the surface is covered in doodles of dinosaurs, candy, stars and hearts.
"so you can plant your flowers" lloyd tells his friend, half-proud and half-ashamed of his gift. when brad tears up and whispers thank you's in lloyd's ear, he blushes and says it's not a big deal. by the way the brunette's tightens his grip on his waist and their embrace gets more intimate, lloyd knows that it actually is.
those are the days that make lloyd want to stay at darkley's, even if that means new bruises every week. looking into brad's eyes and noticing the way they shimmer gratefully makes staying worth it.
not even the fact that he doesn't remember misako's birthday can ruin his day.
after four years, lloyd almost completely forgets her face, the sound of her voice and the stories she used to tell him before bed.
misako montgomery garmadon becomes a blurry memory in the bottom of his mind. she joins her ex-husband as a fogged-up figure in lloyd’s dreams.
he forgets his ninth birthday and only is reminded when brad whispers "happy birthday" from his side of the room. it's dark and lloyd is glad that his roomate can't see the blush that shows up on his cheeks.
"thanks" he whispers and hopes brad can't hear affection in his voice.
"of course" brad says gently. "your mom didn't write you again?"he dares to ask, and lloyd can tell how scared he is to bring up misako by the way his words tremble.
"no. and i'm glad she didn't" lloyd answers, not really knowing if his words are fully honest.
he used to love getting those letters. they were filled with adventurous stories and information about the world. but mostly, they were proof that misako remembered she had a son. it felt nice to be remembered. letters from her used to be lloyd's most prized possessions in this school. he cherished them and made sure no one could find them. until that one birthday letter came a week late and lloyd realized she doesn’t even care to remember his goddamn birthday.
he didn't keep a single one. he burned them all.
they never held any of the answers he was so desperately hoping for and lloyd always read them with resentment. why was whatever she was doing so important? why is he paying a price he does not understand?
lloyd is glad he doesn't see misako at all. he thinks if he did, he'd spit in her face and scream until his throat was raw, throwing curses at her like sharp blades. he would shoot words at her to kill, hoping to hurt her as much as she hurt him four years ago when she left him nehind.
"okay" brad says and he sounds so sad lloyd fights the urge to get out of his bed and get into brad's to hug him.
he doesn't. he never acts on what he feels when it comes to brad.
"goodnight, lloyd" the boy says, and he forces himself to answer him. he hopes he doesn't sound angry.
he isn't mad at brad — no, never brad — but at misako. he hopes the boy in the bed next to his knows it.
as the time passes, lloyd garmadon becomes bitter, resentful, angry. he loses the spark of innocence he had before his mother left him in this wicked place.
when five years go by, lloyd is officially fed up with his life. he's about to turn ten in three weeks and he's sick of everything and everyone. he even argues with brad, which has never happened before.
he's snappy, curses at the teachers and doesn't leave his room unless he is forced to. he dreams about his father every night. he also faces nightmares during daytime; his classmates will not leave him alone. lloyd has been bullied since day one, but recently it's gotten really bad, almost like everyone can tell he's having the worst time of his life.
fucking finn tully is his last straw. he pantses lloyd while they’re in gym class, and lloyd can’t take his and the rest of his crew’s pranks any longer. they do everything to make sure lloyd is miserable.
he’s sick of it, of them, of this school and the constant bullying, abuse and neglect. not even brad’s kind eyes and soft smiles can keep him here. not anymore.
lloyd is sick of waiting for his mother that is never coming back for him. it’s time to do what he wants to. and he wants to get the hell out of this place.
he hides in the empty classroom and plans. he plots. he’s leaving and never looking back. he’s gonna get candy and live through adventures cooler than misako ever could even imagine. he will prank people and scare them, making them think he’s his father.
first rule of any mission is to dress scary. scary means no people approach him, and that’s good. lloyd doesn’t think he can handle any more beatings.
he proceeds to pick a lock on one of his teacher’s closets and finds a cape and a black helmet (just in case someone tries to smash a baseball bat on his head). lloyd notices rubber snakes at the bottom of the closet and a chill runs down his spine. they look like serpentine.
an idea pops in his head. now that’s a move of a garmadon.
as he gets out of the school in the embrace of the night, lloyd chooses to push the blurry memory of misako down to the deepest and darkest part of his mind. he officially calls himself an orphan and he starts thinking of her as dead and not just lost.
lloyd montgomery garmadon no longer has a mother; what he has is a purpose that would satisfy every single person at darkley’s.
he isn’t exactly sure why he is making his way up this mountain. he’s cold, and the tips of his fingers are angrily red and freezing. he can’t help but tremble, the rough weather getting to him. he ran out of supplies a few hours ago. his mouth is dry and tastes as if he had a mouth full of sand.
maybe he’s here because his mother had mentioned this place in one of the few letters she had sent him over the years. maybe it’s because he feels a sickening need to prove something to someone. or maybe he’s sick of his boarding school and can not spend a minute longer there.
he ignores the image of his best friend brad that lingers in the back of his mind.
he stops abruptly, realizing he made it. he inhales sharply, freezing air making it past his chapped lips and into his lungs. the almost ten-year-old brushes away the snow and he almost chokes on his own saliva.
he found one of the legendary serpentine tombs he’s read so much about. a chill runs down his spine, making him tremble more than he already was. he takes in the view in front of him, thinking about how it’s been standing here for over thirty years, buried under snow.
lloyd grits his teeth and chooses to pull the snake shaped handle. seconds later he tumbles head first into the deep darkness. he’s confused and overwhelmed and so damn cold, it takes him a moment to realize he’s hearing something. lloyd focuses and hears a sizzling sound coming up from somewhere near him. fear sparks in his chest, but he doesn’t let it take over, forcing his frozen stuff hands into fists. he chose this. he can’t back down now.
lloyd is gonna be like his father and he’s glad his mother will not be here to see it.
some time passes and lloyd’s life changes a lot.
he joins the ninja team, who become his family. nya smith is the kindest person lloyd has ever met and although he doesn't dare to admit it out loud, he quickly starts to think of her as his older sister.
he'd refuse it if someone implied it, though. he has his honor.
days go by and more shit happens than his brain can comprehend.
he meets his dad. he almost dies (kai saves him, which, lloyd has to be honest, is the coolest thing ever). then, his world kinda falls apart when he finds out he's the green ninja and is destined to not only save the world, but also fight his father.
he almost dies a few times more, but he also saves people, which, he has to admit, feels pretty heroic.
lloyd is no hero, though. he also isn't ten anymore. with what feels like a snap of fingers, he isn’t a kid anymore.
he's fourteen; at least that's what master wu guesses. it feels weird.
they celebrate his fourteenth birthday a little bit later, even though it was supposed to be his tenth. no one really says anything about it, though, not sure how to adress the situation. only reaction he gets is a sad smile from nya and a quiet "i’m sorry, kid” when she hugs him after he comes back from the mission that changes his life — changes him — forever.
he ignores the fact that he’s taller than nya now and doesn’t comment on the fact that he’s almost her age.
lloyd isn't sure of anything anymore, the boy in the mirror is a stranger, with unfamiliar features, longer hair, bigger muscles. he's taller, cheekbones more prominent, eyes sharper. lloyd looks at the reflection and finds it hard to believe that the boy he sees is him. it shouldn’t even be possible — for him to grow a few years in a matter of seconds. but it happened and there is no way to take it back, no matter how hard lloyd begs and how many tears he spills.
lloyd garmadon is the boy he sees in the mirror.
he even sounds different, his voice slightly deeper. he wants to rip his skin from his bones, crawl out of this body that is not his.
his childhood is ripped away from him, and it feels like he's five and being left at darkley's all over again. he has no control over his own life and that terrifies him.
and because, of course, this wicked world has more shit to throw at him, he is faced with a person he never thought he'd see again.
lloyd meets his mother. he doesn't recognize her, but once it's said out loud, it slowly makes sense. the dots connect as he recognizes the glasses, the thin lips, the soft voice and the french braid, although it's more gray now. his world is turned upside down, and so is his stomach, because all of the sudden his mouth feels like acid and his insides are churning.
lloyd walks out of the merchandise room where wu introduced misako as his mother, knowing that if he looks at her for a second longer, he will throw up. lloyd can tell she's shocked to see her son had grown a lot. he wonders if she knows how old he is supposed to be — ten, he's supposed to be ten! — and if she recognized him.
because he sure as hell didn’t recognize her. he thinks about how he might’ve passed her by on one of ninjago city streets and not even know it was her.
his hands are trembling, his stomach is in knots and his eyes are burning. he can't understand what he's feeling, but it's a weird mix of anger, sadness and fear. lloyd hasn't been this scared in a long time, and he faces death daily now.
he can feel his power humming under his skin, sending vibrations down his arms, making his fingers tingle. his face loses color as he fights his own body. he wants to cry, scream, throw up, but most of all, he feels like breaking something.
he only holds back because he's in a museum and doesn't have money to pay for what he'd break. he's also pretty fucking scared of himself and his abilities and doesn't trust himself to not overdo it.
of course, fucking misako doesn't leave him alone. she appears in the room out of nowhere and lloyd's hands clench in fists. he guesses he must look as angry as he's feeling because misako's eyebrows furrow in worry and anticipation.
she tries to explain that she had her reasons for being away, and lloyd forces himself to not scream in her face. the green of his suits indicates that he is an example now, not to be torn apart by his own emotions. he's supposed to save the world.
lloyd barely sees misako through the angry red that blurries his vision. his jaw is tightened and as she talks, his sharp teeth bite his tongue hard enough for him to taste blood. he barely holds himself back from spitting it in misako's face.
little version of him would be disappointed to know he didn't curse her out. lloyd can only press his lips into thin line, forcing the upcoming wave of nausea back down where it came from.
to say lloyd is angered at being estranged from her is not enough. he has a lot of questions when he sees her. there’s one that loudly rings in his mind, making his head hurt. it’s the same question he would not dare to ask out loud all those years ago: why did she leave him at the darkley’s school?
prophecy is the answer she gives him.
lloyd tries to make sense out of it; he doesn't manage to. in every version of the situation he went through in his head, misako was a bad mother and he was a problem. why was prophecy more important to her than her own son?
sure, now they all know that the prophecy is about him. but how could she have been sure all those years ago? why did she believe the old scrolls written in a language no one could read? how could she know, ten years ago, that her son with red eyes and sharp teeth would end up being the legendary green ninja?
lloyd’s ears ring as he wonders what mother could take such a risk and leave their child to fend for themselves only to travel the world for answers that might never come. what he's feeling isn't rage; it's too specific, too complex to describe.
no matter how many times he tried to come up with an explanation, nothing really struck him as something validating enough. he could never understand why misako chose her job over him. why didn’t she take him with her? why was it up to her to prevent the prophecy?
he used to think it was something he did; that he was too much, that she wasn’t ready to be a mother, that he was a burden. nothing makes sense. it all circles to misako not being good enough to rise up and embrace her motherhood, chasing ancient whispers written on old papers and traveling to embrace the beauty of the world instead.
all while lloyd spent every single day of his life missing her, while actively fighting for survival throughout lonely days and even lonelier nights. the fact that she spent her days working in the museum of history in ninjago city makes lloyd violently ill. she was so close all this time. she could’ve went back for him. she could’ve gotten him out of that shithole that he spent five years in.
but she didn’t. lloyd can’t help but hate her for it.
hugging his mother feels wrong. lloyd can’t explain it, but he goes completely stiff in her embrace and feels trapped. he lets go, not really caring whether it’ll hurt her feelings or not.
she hurt his multiple times over the years, even though she wasn’t physically there.
misako explains that for there to be light, there must be a shadow, and in shadow, there is darkness. lloyd doesn’t comment on the fact that she was the one who brought darkness in his life.
what lloyd learns is that he is the only one who can stop it before ninjago falls prey to darkness. of course, misako disappears for years only to come back with a prophecy and expectations. life is playing a joke on him yet again. lloyd should be used to it by now. she says she wanted to prevent a battle that’s destined to happen between him and his father.
lloyd doesn’t understand how the universe can predict something like that. he doesn’t get why misako thought she can stop it from happening, if it really is written in the stars. scrolls. whatever.
“leaving you was the hardest thing i ever had to do. but faced with saving you and the world, i had no other choice” rings in his head when he attempts to fall asleep on the night after meeting a person who was supposed to be his mother.
he can’t help but feel like he should be more important to her than the world; that he should be his mother’s world.
clearly, he was expecting the impossible.
misako becomes a part of his life again somehow. it just happens on its own, but it doesn’t mean he is happy about it.
she comes and goes, always on some mission to find the oldest scroll known to mankind or discover a new species. lloyd doesn’t know why, where and for how long she leaves. nothing ever goes according to the plan, anyway. misako doesn’t even always informs him when she leaves.
sometimes, he finds out from uncle wu, sometimes from pixal, sometimes from a beeping red dot on the computer screen in their underground base. there are times when lloyd doesn’t even know his mother left until she’s back and is describing the place she traveled to during dinner.
he tunes out her words, ignoring her presence in the same way he ignores the worried looks nya sends him and the way kai's fist clench under the table.
misako disappears the next morning. it’s no wonder when he doesn’t see her for a long while, too busy with the rising crime in the city. lloyd doesn’t pay attention to her absence, used to not seeing her on daily basis ever since he was a little kid.
misako being present is more of an odd concept than her being away.
so when cole asks him about her in a random afternoon while he's sparring with kai, he doesn’t think of it much, only shrugging in response. his mother’s name irritates him.
kai yells a "hi, nick!" to cole, slightly out of breath. they've been training for almost an hour now and lloyd is not any more relaxed than he was before.
they're drilling the things they've been learning for years — slips, footwork, feints, counters, gentle punches and kicks. lloyd needs to blow off some steam and proposed a training session. kai said he was bored and took him up on the offer.
"lloyd, i asked you if you've seen misako" cole yells from the door, and lloyd huffs, blocking kai's kick.
"wu's cleaning the library. found some old scrolls and thought your mom might wanna take a look at them" kai tells his friend, to which lloyd doesn't react. he doesn't care.
he fakes a low kick to kai's legs, which causes him to drop his hands in order to protect his lower body. lloyd smirks as he notices the red ninja opening himself up for a higher strike. the green ninja steps closer and in one smooth motion smacks the master of fire in the face.
damn, that feels good. lloyd loves faking his moves. kai's arrogance allows the master of life to use it to his own advantage and attack kai's weak spots.
"can't believe i fell for that" kai whines as lloyd clenches his fists harder, annoyed by the image of his mother that lingers in his mind. if only his relationship with her was as easy as fighting.
"lloyd!" cole yells inpatiently.
"i shrugged! i have no clue, cole!" lloyd screams back, not tearing his eyes away from kai.
he attempts a kick, but kai steps back and avoids it, circling lloyd. he focuses on his movement and timing and chooses a moment when kai is distracted and reaches out towards him.
he uses one of his favorite moves that nya taught him years ago, even before the tomorrow's tea incident. he couldn't to it very well back then, but he can now.
it's two consecutive punches, aimed toward either the same location — in this case, kai's face. one is off of the front leg and the second off the back with a little more added torque. it confuses the opponent, and with kai's eyes on cole, lloyd has a perfect opportunity to take him down.
"got you!" lloyd says satisfied.
"you wish" kai chuckles, avoids lloyd's hits and grabs the green ninja's legs with his own. he goes down immediately, losing his balance and hitting the ground under him. pain shoots through his body, but he doesn't make a sound.
a curse does escape his lips, though, but kai doesn't comment on it.
"that's a point for kai!" cole shouts and goes back inside of the monastery. the red ninja giggles and gets up on his feet effortlessly. he reaches his hand out to help his friend on his feet.
lloyd bites his tongue and gets up on his own. he knows he’s acting like a dick but his birthday is coming around and he bets his mother forgot again. sue him for being a little pissy.
they restart the sparring, but this time lloyd is not losing.
he's so aggravated that he starts moving more chaotic, moves faster and almost aggressive. kai notices and matches his speed immediately.
"i'm sure she's fine" kai offers comfort in a calm voice, but lloyd doesn't take it, too annoyed to relax.
"that's not what pisses me off" lloyd bites back and fixes his stance. his head is pulsing, an annoying headache that he gets whenever emotions take over. he should meditate later.
"whatever it is, it's distracting you" kai grabs his fist and twists it. "focus"
lloyd, obviously, doesn't. his mind is all over the place and it clearly shows through his moves that become more sluggish. he doesn't think them through and his friend can tell.
"lloyd" kai warns him in a serious tone, but he can't help the angry humming of his powers beneath his skin. he needs to let it out.
"shut up and fight" the green ninja mumbles, yanking his hand out of kai’s grab. he rolls his shoulders and gets slightly lower on his legs, anticipating the attack. when kai doesn’t move, lloyd does, throwing one hand forward while the other protects his own face.
"this is a sparring session" the red ninja tells him. "where the goal is to practice"
"i know" lloyd bites back, but his fist almost ends up in the other man's stomach anyway. kai blocks it at the last moment, his eyebrows furrowed.
"which means you need your partner conscious, uninjured, and willing to come back next session" he says. lloyd rolls his eyes and grits his teeth, although he knows kai is right. "if your training partner ends up with a injury needing medical assistance, something is wrong"
"you can handle yourself"
"doesn't change the fact you're allowing your emotions get the better of you. focus, kid"
"i hate you" lloyd barks, but he doesn't mean it. kai knows it too.
"in a real battle, emotions get you killed" the elemental master of fire tells him. "and you're better than this"
lloyd clenches his fists and throws a punch. kai blocks it again. the green ninja's moves are too slow, way too predictable. he knows he shouldn't fight aggressively. it's smarter to use logic than his fists.
it’s a shame lloyd has always been petty.
"you're better than her, lloyd" kai tells him in a confident tone, an emotional weight to his words.
lloyd knows he means it — he's just not sure if he believes it himself.
it's not until pixal shows up the day after that lloyd feels worried.
"good morning, lloyd. did you happen to talk to your mother recently?" she walks in the kitchen as he's eating breakfast with jay.
"no" he shakes his head.
"when was the last time you did?"
"fsm, why does it matter? i don't know, like a month ago?" he guesses.
"she’s been gone for three months, lloyd" pixal states.
oh.
"what?" jay sputters out confused.
okay, maybe he is just as shitty of a son as she is a mother.
runs in the family, the green ninja thinks bitterly. he gets up with a quiet sigh escaping his lips. worry does kick in, but it's only a flicker lingering in his chest. misako can take care of herself.
"i'm sure she just went somewhere to find some ancient relic and will be back soon" lloyd murmurs, not looking up from his plate, too interested in his cereal with oat milk. "that's what she does, pix. don't worry about it"
"uhh, lloyd?" jay says in an anxious tone. "you better listen to her"
lloyd rolls his eyes at the blue ninja and eats a spoon of cereal, but it tastes bitter. fucking misako and her stupid adventures. "look, i'm telling you, it's what she's always done, she takes a few friends and disappears for weeks or months—"
"she didn't tell anyone where she was going. we assumed she'd be back by now" pixal interrupts him.
"she went alone?" the green ninja questions, worry settling in his chest. zane's girlfriend stays quiet and the silence become so heavy he's close to vomiting out his breakfast.
"shit" jay mutters out in realization. he abandons his plate with avocado toast and gets up. lloyd follows his example, although his knees are weak.
"pixal, did she go alone?" he asks apprehensively, his breath hitching. he notices how pixal's worried expression turns tense and that's the moment lloyd feels fear kicking in. he dreads her next words.
"we lost all contact with her, lloyd. she's nowhere to be found"
fuck.