Chapter Text
The past year at the ranch has been a bit of a roller coaster for TK. Moving in with Carlos, into a house where part of the roof leaked when it rained too hard and the A/C would stop working at random, to top it off it had no dryer or dishwasher so TK got very skilled at hanging their clothes outside and doing the dishes by hand, regardless of how old it got. They had a system so they'd switch off who was washing dishes and hanging laundry so one of them wouldn't get stuck doing one or the other.
Carlos had fixed the leak in the roof at least for now after the first few times it rained, he said what it really needed would be being replaced, but that will come with time. For now TK was glad to not have a bucket in the corner of their living room.
Their laundry, their dishes, their living room. It all feels a little surreal to TK even now.
This house is theirs, together. They're caring for and living in it together, and TK couldn't be happier about it.
TK had asked Paul about joining the volunteer fire crew in town, to which Paul was happy to put him in contact with their captain and before long, TK was helping put out fires in Texas. Not that they got many calls, being that there are simply less people here than in New York, but now TK could still firefight, which he loves.
There has been so much ranch stuff for TK to learn. He has gotten to go through all the seasons, though they aren't quite as extreme or present in exactly the same ways as they had in New York —they don't get snow in the winter— but it gave TK a good idea of how every part of the year is slightly different on the farm. He got to witness his first ever animal birth in the form of a goat kidding, and then found out that coming out to the barn in the morning to see a new baby animal is a semi-regular occurrence in the spring. Carlos and Gabriel cautioned TK on being too close to a calf, as the mother is usually quite protective of it and does not care for the fragile nature of human bodies.
The summer was hot and TK thinks that anything he learned got filtered out by the heat somehow, but he did get to attend a bunch of rodeos, finally able to play the 'supportive boyfriend' role.
Fall was better, though no less busy.
And winter brought back a lot of memories. Good ones, and less good ones. Carlos cuddled him close for all of them.
Not only was TK's year at the ranch eventful, TK's life in Manhattan this year was also eventful. His mom had had a baby while TK was at the ranch the first time and nobody thought to tell him. He can't blame either of his parents for that now, he was quite out of it for a while before Owen sent him to Texas.
And TK got possibly the worst phone call of his life. At 5 in the morning.
—
TK blinks his eyes open, hearing his phone go off on the nightstand beside the bed. Still wrapped in Carlos's arms in the middle of the bed, TK can't reach the phone. Who is calling him at this hour? It's not time for the alarm to be going off yet, so his phone is still on do not disturb. As he grabs the phone he runs through the mental list of people in his contacts who override the do not disturb function and can send his phone into ringing at any time.
His heart sinks. That list is very short.
With his eyes still a little blurry from sleep, TK can just make out the vague shape of the letters spelling 'Dad' on the phone before answering it. Not that he'd let it ring. Owen wouldn't call him this early for no reason.
"Hello?" TK whispers.
Carlos shifts beside him, arm searching for him on the mattress. TK is sitting upright against the headboard and reaches out his right hand to Carlos, guiding his hand to rest on TK's thigh under the blanket. He stills again and TK smiles fondly, but for only a moment.
"Hi son," Owen answers.
"What's going on? Couldn't this have waited until morning?"
"No TK, not really." TK does not like the grave nature of his dad's voice right now.
As much as TK wants to stay sitting in bed to have Carlos as comfort for whatever his dad is about to say, TK wants to let him get the extra bit of sleep so TK carefully removes himself from the bed and makes his way to the living room couch.
Speaking at a more conversational volume, TK asks, "what's wrong?"
"There's no easy way to say this," Owen pauses to take a deep breath and TK braces for the worst. "It's your mother TK."
"You're gonna have to give me more than that, what about Mom?" TK presses, hating the feeling of knowing something's up but not knowing what it is.
Another pause. "She's dead."
His world caves in.
TK takes it back. He would rather not know what's going on. He had braced for the worst but apparently not worst enough.
Even though TK hasn't lived with her consistently since he was a teenager, doesn't mean she's not his mom. She had been out to Texas once in August to visit, she had even brought his little brother Jonah with her for the adventure. She looked so healthy and happy. What went wrong? And why didn't she tell him about it herself? Why didn't she say anything was happening?
Unable to trust that he heard properly TK asks again, "what?"
"She was out on an early walk this morning with Jonah and a car swerved and hit her on the sidewalk. She was dead before the paramedics even got there, I got the call not long before I called you," Owen explains.
It takes everything in TK to not burst into tears and fall apart right here on the couch, but he needs to finish this conversation coherently for both their sakes. "What happened to Jonah?"
"He's alright, Gwyn pushed his stroller out of the way in the nick of time," part of TK thinks he can hear his dad smiling in pride on the other end of the phone.
"When's the funeral?" TK asks.
"Tomorrow afternoon, listen TK we don't expect you to come, I think she'd understand if you couldn't make it, I'm sure its busy over there," Owen rushes to say.
"I'll be there," TK says with finality. It's the least he could do for his mom who has been there and supported him through everything.
"Okay," Owen gives in.
TK holds it together long enough to talk a little more and finish the conversation, then breaks out into as silent of sobs as he can manage, phone still clutched in his left hand.
It does not take long for Carlos to slide on the couch beside him and hold him without words. Carlos rocks TK as he cries and rubs his back, usually TK would be grateful for it and it would help him with his tears, now it only reminds him of how his mom used to do that for him.
TK pushes Carlos away but looks at him through his tears, hoping Carlos would understand he's not mad at him for trying to comfort him. It's what anyone would do, it's just not quite right for TK in the moment.
Carlos reaches a tentative hand forward to wipe TK's cheeks, TK lets him.
After long moments in silence on the couch, only broken by TK crying, TK finally speaks.
"She's gone," TK says, voice feeling scratchy and the words foreign in his mouth.
Carlos says nothing, not pushing TK to elaborate, but giving him the space to if he wants. He does. He wants to let Carlos in and tell him what happened. But saying it out loud would make it feel more real.
More time goes by in their quiet house before Carlos slowly gets up, as if TK would be spooked if he got up too quick, like an unbroken horse. Carlos leans down to press a kiss to the top of TK's head before going to the kitchen.
TK doesn't even feel the minutes go by where Carlos is in the kitchen, and barely registers the sounds coming from it.
Carlos returns with a chocolate chip cookie and two mugs of tea, TK wants to smile at the one Carlos had gotten for him as a housewarming gift. It's a white mug with a cartoonish illustration of two cows laying in beach chairs on the beach, sunglasses and all, with the words above them reading 'love you 'til the cows come home'. TK finds he can't produce anything remotely similar to a smile at the moment.
The cookie is the last one in the container and TK knows it. They had teasingly argued about who would get to have it last night but went to bed before coming to an agreement. Carlos hands the cookie and a mug out to him before rejoining TK on the couch.
It would be really sweet, and normally TK would have some joke to make about them eating dessert for breakfast before work, but TK doesn't think he can stomach either right now.
It is enough to get TK to talk some more though, as if the hot liquid in his hands would keep Carlos from cradling him like his mother would've.
"My mom passed away," TK admits quietly.
"Oh TK," Carlos rushes to put his mug down and be in his space again, TK was a fool to think the threat of burns would be enough to keep Carlos away.
This time Carlos just wraps an arm around TK's shoulders and coaxes his legs to lay across his lap.
TK starts crying again, this time Carlos doesn't rub his back.
It takes a long time of TK crying it out to string more than one sentence together at a time. Surely they should be in the barn by now? But Carlos was still here, holding him on the couch like he had nowhere else to be.
"She was walking my brother and got hit by a car… she didn't even make it to an ambulance… Jonah had to watch our mom–" he couldn't say it, that his mom died. Dead is too strong, too real of a word. 'Gone', 'passed away', 'didn't make it' felt so much less bad, even though they were all synonyms for dead.
Carlos has remained mostly quiet this whole conversation, though TK can't blame him. What are you supposed to say to someone who just lost someone they love?
'Lost', yet another synonym for dead, at this rate TK will discover all the synonyms under the sun.
But Carlos was also doing exactly what TK needed him to, calm his crying, kiss the side of his face, wipe his tears, hold him, bring him tea.
With kind, soft words, Carlos gets him to nibble at the cookie and get changed. Together they go to the barn in Carlos's car.
When they got there Andrea gave TK the biggest hug imaginable and though it should've been comforting, much like Carlos rubbing his back, it only reminded him of something he no longer has.
There had been lighter stuff as well, Grace and Judd had a lovely little girl they named Charlie. TK and Carlos went on several dates to the café and ice cream place. TK got his license, meaning Carlos doesn't have to drive him everywhere. There has also been a bunch of rehab patients TK got to help.
And, perhaps best of all, TK had proposed. And Carlos said yes.
Now TK felt pretty settled in the rhythm of their lives, going to the ranch, cooking food, being in each others' company, even on their hard days when animals get hurt or things keep breaking on them, TK trusts that he will always have Carlos to get through it together.
Saturday, January 2nd
This morning, TK and Carlos are double checking their bags are packed and ready to go, and that their house is rid of food that might go bad over the weekend they're away.
Since Gwyn's death, TK had been worried for Jonah's future, but was assured that Enzo would take care of him. That much was true until Enzo got arrested and a prison sentence long enough that Jonah would be an adult before he got out, leaving Jonah an orphan.
TK and Carlos have had long conversations about taking Jonah in. It's not exactly a standard situation, and TK was worried about having a small child running around on the ranch where there are big animals and machines and electric fences and places for Jonah to get lost. Carlos dispelled all those worries quickly with stories from his own childhood. TK did also ask Gabriel and Andrea about the dangers of raising a child on a ranch, and they told him it is technically risky, but ultimately kids aren't stupid, especially when they can see how big the consequences are. The horses and cows are big to TK, they're even bigger to a child, the electric fences aren't of much worry either, they'll hurt, but Jonah would learn his lesson after one encounter and leave it alone after that.
Obviously they had to go through a lengthy approval process to be given permission to adopt Jonah, but now they were finally here, almost on their way to pick him up.
"Are you excited?" TK asks as Carlos is rummaging through his bag, apparently needing to triple check he has everything.
The question gets him to stop and look at TK. "Yes, but probably not more than you are," Carlos smiles at him before walking himself into TK's space and kissing him.
It's soft and familiar and TK will never tire of it. They don't let themselves get carried away and soon TK finds himself in the shotgun seat as Carlos drives them to the airport.
In the airplane TK discovers Carlos is somewhat of an anxious flyer, his hands curled up into fists and his one leg bouncing beside TK's. TK grabs the hand closest to him to give Carlos something to focus on, Carlos turns his head to look in his eyes, TK lets him look.
"It'll be alright," TK says.
"I know, I'm just not used to it," Carlos says. "I've been on a plane before, but normally we drive to rodeos cause we have to bring the horses."
TK smiles, "yeah I don't think they'd be very pleased if you tried to smuggle Butterscotch back here, blocking the aisles is a safety hazard."
Talking seems to calm Carlos down and TK is happy to continue if that's what it takes to make Carlos comfortable.
It turns out that vibrating with excitement does not make the flight any shorter, in fact it may have made it longer, but eventually TK and Carlos are out of the plane and in the airport again, looking for the way out.
TK orders them an Uber and watches Carlos fondly as they wait for the car to arrive.
Carlos whispers at him, as if someone would be listening or offended if they overheard. "I thought the yellow taxis was only in the movies."
TK smiles, it's the cutest thing he could've said. "Nope, they're real."
They aren't waiting for very long, but TK can see Carlos trying to hide the fact he's shivering. He has his arms crossed –his hands safely nestled away– and his legs are shaking in his jeans ever so slightly, though TK watches him will them to stop, until another gust of wind comes by and they shiver again of their own free will.
"Your poor southern body is not built for this climate," TK teases.
"I don't think anyone's body is built for this climate," Carlos argues.
TK decides to not bother bringing up the fact it gets much colder than this sometimes, and that people live in places it's colder than this for longer, hell there is an entire country more north than they are right now.
Their car arrives and they hop in.
They get dropped off outside Owen's building and TK pays the driver, Carlos has not stopped staring at the buildings the entire time. Though TK figures its hard to look at much else, it's buildings and road. He does find it amusing that Carlos has been craning his neck to look at the skyscrapers this whole time.
TK takes the lead in getting them in the building and up to Owen's unit. It feels sort of nice to be able to do that, lead Carlos around in an unfamiliar environment like he had on the ranch when he first got there.
Owen greets them cheerily at the door, opening his arms to give each of them a hug.
"Hey good to see you boys! How was the trip?" asks as he ushers them inside.
"It was good, thanks for letting us stay Mr. Strand," Carlos says.
Owen scoffs, "oh please, it's my pleasure, the least I could do really. And it's still Owen," he adds.
TK watches Carlos blush ever so slightly, so slightly his dad probably won't pick up on it. Carlos speaks again, "right, thank you all the same though, Owen," he tests it out.
"That's better," Owen starts leading them farther into his home. "So, what's the plan for this weekend?" He asks, offering them seats in the living room.
TK has a hard time addressing his dad's questions when Carlos is drawn to the window, looking out at the city with such wonder in his gorgeous brown eyes.
"Wow," Carlos says.
TK gives his dad an apologetic smile, barely feeling sorry for not answering his question in favour of joining his fiancé at the window. Fiancé.
He stands behind Carlos, resting his chin on his shoulder, needing to go on his tip-toes just a little to accomplish it. He tries to see what Carlos sees, the vast city sprawling outside Owen's living room window.
"It goes on forever," Carlos says a little absently.
"I think that's what I said about the bush at some point," TK smiles.
"How do you not get lost, you're so small compared to everything else."
"It's like the forest, but more concrete."
They stand together at the window for a little while longer before TK breaks the silence.
"You know, the night I came back, I sat in my apartment like this," he removes himself from Carlos' space and sits on the arm of his dad's couch, still facing the outside world. "And watched the snowfall as if it was stars."
"I've never seen snow fall before," Carlos admits.
TK cocks his head at him, "I thought you said you've seen snow before?"
Carlos nods, "I have, but that was already on the ground, I didn't see any of it actually fall from the sky."
"Well then let's hope it snows this weekend," TK says.
Owen joins them on the couch as TK slides off the arm onto a cushion and Carlos removes himself from the window. "So what's the plan?" Owen asks again.
"I'm hoping to take Carlos out to that Italian place tonight, and then wander around a little tomorrow before we pick Jonah up at one, I'll take them to get dim sum for lunch, then maybe hit Central Park, and I'm assuming you want to take us out or make us food at some point so tomorrow night? And then we fly out Monday morning," TK explains.
"Sounds like a good weekend," Owen concurs. "Let's get you guys settled in."
He gives Carlos the official house tour, being that this is a thing adults do. Eventually he brings them around to the spare bedroom where the bed is made and already set up for visitors. TK and Carlos drop their bags off there before TK has had enough of conversation and would rather show Carlos everything he can about the place he grew up. They bid their 'see you later's to Owen and then set off for the elevator.
Out on the sidewalk is when TK notices something's off. Carlos is still staring at the tops of buildings as best he can, and not walking with him, despite TK's hand in his, attempting to pull him along. Now that they don't have a clear destination Carlos is stuck.
People pass them by on the sidewalk, cars honk and drive on the street, somebody zips past them on a bicycle, ringing the bell all the while, the other people on the street are talking to each other or on the phone and distantly there is the sound of an emergency vehicle siren flying through the city.
Carlos is overwhelmed and TK can see it.
"Babe come on, we have to go, it'll be quieter where we're going," TK says, pleading for Carlos to move.
Carlos is clutching TK's hand, hanging onto it like a lifeline, but he stays with his feet planted to the concrete.
TK steps right up to him, not caring much for the dangers of standing still in the middle of a busy sidewalk. He stands chest-to-chest with Carlos and uses his other hand to force Carlos to look at him, away from the skyscrapers.
There is fear in those eyes, part of TK is starting to understand it, having now been in the open country for a year, he knows Carlos has been to other cities before, hell he's had to drive in and out of Austin several times, but part of TK also knows most cities aren't New York City big, so he lets Carlos be scared for a moment, understands it.
"Carlos, I love you babe, but we can't stay here, we're gonna get trampled, you'll be alright once we're walking, I'll be there the whole time. I won't let you go, I promise," TK says, hoping Carlos can find sincerity in his eyes even with the chaos surrounding them.
Carlos gives one tight nod and lets TK pull them along the sidewalk.
TK takes them to a place he loves, not too fancy, and not too far away. Poor Carlos still looks like he's fighting off shivers and is just staring directly forward the entire time, TK figures out he's looking at the street signs on intersections.
They make it to the Italian place and a waitress leads them to a table for two a little off to the side, perfectly out of the way even though it'll be less busy in the restaurant than outside no matter where they got seated.
TK takes both of Carlos's hands in his, holding them in the middle of the table after their server had brought them water and taken their drink orders.
His other hand is cold despite having had it in his pocket the whole walk over, TK makes it his duty to warm it up.
Finally Carlos speaks of his own accord, "it's so… much."
TK agrees, nodding, willing him to elaborate but not pushing when Carlos is overwhelmed.
Slowly Carlos mostly comes back to him, now that they're in the quieter atmosphere of a restaurant, with a few families and other couples having conversations at varying distances in the space around them.
"I don't want to offend where you grew up, but how did you ever live here?" Carlos asks.
"It's okay. I don't know, it's sort of all I've ever known, you get used to it, tuning out everything that happens so you can get to where you're going as fast as possible," TK explains. "And hey, if it makes you feel any better, I think I've told you about how I couldn't sleep properly with all the silence in the country."
"It's just so different."
"I know, but it's okay, and as long as you hold my hand you won't get lost. I won't let you," TK promises.
"Thank you."
They pause the conversation to look at the menus and give the server their orders. Overall, dinner goes much better than their walk.
"I feel almost claustrophobic, I can't see anything. There's no horizon and it sort of makes me nervous, like I can't get away, it's endless," Carlos admits in a small voice over their shared dessert.
TK tries to bring it into perspective for Carlos. "On the trails there's no horizon either, just trees."
"That's not the same. I know how to get away, and the trees breathe with the weather, flow in the wind, they're living things too, and that feels safe. The buildings don't breathe. They don't move. They're there for always and they're daunting, too tall for nature and too still and orderly to be anything but manmade horror," Carlos stops and shakes his head. "I'm sorry, I'm being dramatic, you're right it is just different. I'll try to not hate on your hometown anymore."
"You don't have to be sorry, I understand. I had quite the adjustment going to seemingly the middle of nowhere, I know it's weird to be somewhere really different than what you're used to, but I'm glad you're giving it a try."
Carlos laughs, "a try, as if I looked around and appreciated everything instead of just feeling trapped by it all."
Their walk back to Owen's is after nightfall, and Carlos seems to fare better with that, holding TK's hand and metaphorically putting blinders on so he only looks at buildings and things that are eye-line level instead of tall and imposing way above their heads.
They keep their evening pretty low-key, talking to Owen and laying in the couch, the day's travel has been enough to tire them both out.
Before long, TK and Carlos are bidding Owen good night and head off to the spare bedroom, leaving him alone in the living room until he decides to go to bed.
They change into pajamas and brush their teeth before falling into each other in the middle of the unfamiliar bed, kissing each other goodnight and then closing their eyes.
But TK never hears Carlos' breathing slow. He can feel his heart beating at a standard resting pulse, but his body seems to refuse to be pulled into unconsciousness for the night.
TK looks up at Carlos to be met with his lovely dark eyes, still open, staring at the top corner of the wall across from the bed.
"Babe?" TK asks.
Carlos looks at him instead of the wall and gives a small smile. "Yeah?"
"Are you okay?"
"It's so bright," Carlos tells him after a moment's hesitation.
The curtains are drawn but light still filters through from the outside world of the city that never sleeps. It casts interesting shadows on the walls around them. The light is so faint TK would have paid it no mind a couple years ago. Before Texas, as he likes to think. But now he sees what Carlos sees, the light is practically illuminating this room and TK can make out a decent amount of details in Carlos's face and the dresser across the room.
"Come here," TK says, a slight teasing tone in his voice as he ducks his head under the covers.
A second later, Carlos joins him. Now it's really dark and TK wants to cup his face and give him a kiss and tell him it's alright if he can't sleep. But he can't, they do need to be functional tomorrow and not sleeping will not be helping their case at all. TK reaches where he thinks Carlos's face is and winces "ow!" TK can deduce he had poked really close to his eye and slides his hand down his face to find his strong jaw to pull him into a kiss.
Pulling out of the kiss Carlos says, "TK, babe, I love you, and you're right, it is nice and dark down here, but I do need to breathe while I'm sleeping." He pushes himself out from under the blanket.
"That is a drawback," TK jokes, joining him above the blanket again.
TK looks around the room in search of some way to make it darker to no avail. Owen's minimalist decor and method of housekeeping means there's not much in the room to begin with, let alone something big enough to hang over the curtains somehow.
"What if you face that way?" TK suggests, pointing to the wall.
Carlos pouts, "but then I can't hold you."
"Sure you can," TK says, pushing at Carlos's side to get him to roll onto his other side. TK half climbs—half slides himself over Carlos's body to get on the other side of him.
Carlos gives him the best amused smile TK has seen all day, "you're ridiculous."
"Only for you."
They kiss again, letting it deepen for only a moment as they enjoy each other's company. If TK's being honest his dad has most likely stashed some lube in a bedside drawer just in case, and as fun as that might be, the two of them need real rest so they're ready for Jonah tomorrow.
"I love you," Carlos says after they break the kiss.
"I love you too," TK answers. Carlos holds him closer, tucking his chin over TK's head in a way they both love. Carlos gets to feel big and strong, keeping TK safe in his arms, and TK gets to curl up and nuzzle into Carlos's chest. Its a win-win of a cuddle position for them.
Before trying to sleep again TK asks, "is that dark enough now?"
"I think so."
Their conversation ends there and TK is only satisfied with his suggestion when Carlos' breathing has slowed to indicate sleep.