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Dave was so fucking sick of John constantly calling him out on his complete inability to find a quote: “super cute girlfriend so you can put your dingle-dongle into her hoo-haa.” Egbert never ceases to impress you with just how hilarious his vocabulary is. However, suspicion is definitely something he's allowed to feel, what with you not actually taking a shining to anyone since SBURB, male OR female. You just kind of stopped talking about all that after that one time...
(The date is: I have no fucking clue. Location: Somewhere in the massive clusterfuck that is dreambubbles.)
You have met Dirk. Dirk is ridiculously attractive to you, especially considering he's basically a kid version of your brother. I mean, that's just sick, the way you keep sneaking glances at him through your shades as you meander by and set up the dave_ebubbles which are literally your most ingenious idea EVER.
You pass by him, starting to set up an e-bubble. He keeps blurting out and correcting your methods. You flip him off and he just smirks like an asshole. You stop what you're doing because that is the last straw, you are tragically short of straws, your straw shortage is crippling, little children mewl with terror as they realize that mommy will never give them straws again. Tragic, really.
Dirk and you are now exchanging pleasantries in the form of a stilted rap-off about bromances.
DIRK: Hey, Dave Strider, you ain't nothin' but an imposter; keep your shit in line and don't let your eyes wander. I know you can't help yourself but damn, Strider, you should know when to not bother.
DAVE: what the fuck are you on its not you im mackin on its my bro that I see he was like my fuckin mother
DIRK: I know what you mean, 'cause it's the same thing I see. We got our eyes set on someone that's ancient history. We're foolin' ourselves if we think that we can compete, we're just two cool dudes tryin' to keep on our feet.
DAVE: fuck man dont get mushy on me were doing alright considering how tight my chest still gets when I forget to forget about the way bro looked when he shook hands with death
You're both looking at each other now, something changed in the atmosphere between you two, you're tearing up behind your shades and definitely need a minute. He's got this weird look on his face and you're suddenly hugging.
This is not a half-assed one-armed bro-hug going on, this is fully fledged cling-until-i-break-you levels of huggage.
Your body was not ready.
You know this because you're stuck between getting a boner and crying your eyes out, thankfully you both choose the latter so it's slightly less awkward.
You swear to god if anyone saw you right now you would just commit hari-kiri. It's bad enough that you let your faccade down in front of someone who you basically don't know at all...But there's the added fact that you told them you were still pretty torn up about your brothers d-
Dirk is kissing you.
What.
The.
Actual.
Fuck.
He tastes pretty okay you guess, like colgate and something salty. Wait, those are your tears...Oh well...Guess this is sort of a win win? You don't really notice yourself doing it but you wrap your arms around Dirk's neck and bring him closer, he makes this ridiculously sexy little grunt/moan thing and tightens his grip on either side of your hips.
Wow.
Thanks boner.
Best timing yet.
You wake up out of your make-out induced stupor to shove Dirk off with a loud exclaimation of “NO HOMO!” You then very smoothly proceed to trip over your own feet while you are attempting to run away and face plant on the first step of the purple stairway directly across from both of you that would lead up and out of this particular section of the dream-bubble. He is laughing at you nervously. You don't think even he knew why he did what he did.
It has been three days since the 'incident' and you are definitely not avoiding Dirk. No way in hell that is what you are doing. You absolutely do not squeak egbertishly in terror when you see anything that even MIGHT be Dirk. You do not fall all over yourself when Dirk approaches Meenah. You have NEVER dove into one of the many chests just laying around when you heard the sound of Dirk's footsteps drawing closer.
The inevitable happens when you are sitting on the ledge of a balcony updating the software for your iShades, you don't notice he's there until he is literally breathing down your neck. You make this god awful yelpy/groany noise and stiffen. He grins, you can feel it. Fucker. “How are you so quiet?” You whirl and get a face full of Dirk. You almost smash your nose into his and nearly reel back and down to your doom, tipping back dangerously far, grabbing Dirk's offered hand and pulling yourself back up. Your heart is POUNDING and he's literally laughing at you. His laugh is pretty staggeringly nice and you can't help but just splutter angrily as your face turns bright red. Dirk's hands are in his pockets again and he's smirking at you.
“You've been avoiding me. Either that or I smell.”
He states, matter-of-factly. You just grit your teeth, willing your adrenaline level to calm the fuck down and read a book or something. It does no such thing. Dirk is looking at you with bemusement and you're not sure what to do so you just shove your hands in your pockets too and mumble something that sounds like: “Fuck you.” He laughs and winks at you. He WINKS at you. Oh my god. No, stop. Don't get a boner you asshole. ...You have a boner. ...Hooray. He's pressed you against the wall and you're basically trapped. “I guess you must smell then.” You say in a feeble attempt to keep your cool. He pins your wrists above your head, the tightness of his grip almost hurting and mashes his mouth against yours. Oh, fancy that...His hips press against yours, friction between you two causing you to become painfully aware of his own endowment. Hm, not bad. Actually a little bigger than yours...You think to yourself, squirming underneath him, not quite past reasonable thought (probably)...That doesn't last too long though. Dirk is sliding his tongue into your mouth and rutting against you and the logical side of your brain ollies outie faster than a speeding bullet. You nip and suck and bite at Dirk's tongue, matching his rhythmic grinding motions. He yanks your hips forward and groans. Wow...Way hotter than you think it should be. You take this pause to slide his shirt up and find his nipples. He shivers and you groan this time. Everything feels so warm. You have to get some air. You push him back and he actually listens to you this time. You look at him, panting and red-faced, strands of hair falling into his eyes, shades askew, orange irises staring into your own red ones and you can't bring yourself to leave. He's rubbing the palm of his hand roughly against the bulge in his jeans and you're so not even caring that he's basically your brother as you slam him down to the ground and tangle his wrists up in his shirt. You don't care that he's basically the spitting image of your Bro as you yank his pants down to his knees, earning yourself an arched back and a gasp. You're not even thinking about the fact that you look like his guardian as you slide him into your mouth. You're not remembering every time you've ever caught Bro jacking off as you feel him buck beneath you. You're not remembering all the times you wished Bro was your age when he moans and cums into your mouth.
He keeps hanging around you after that.
You don't want to see him so you keep avoiding him.
Rinse, repeat.