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Casey Jones knew he wasnt smart.
It was fairly obvious, with the amount of assignments marked up like they were dipped in red ink and test grades that just barely survived absolute failure. His father had long given up on him being any sort of academic genius, and all his friends knew he was far from the smart type of guy.
Then why was it bothering him so much?
it had started in April's barn, tinkering away with Donnie at the super car they were making to stop the stupid fucking road menace that destroyed his car not once, but twice.
Donnie was at his desk, tinkering away at something that he couldn't really understand while Casey was lounged on the front seat of the car, feet on the dashboard as he whistled a tune through the gap in his teeth.
The car itself was half done, the roof being nonexistent and the car laying.prone on the ground with no wheels.
"Can you tell me what Dr. Cluckingsworth typed out? I cant get over there to see it and I need the calculations for the mutagen amount in the car." Donnie asked suddenly, eyes still focused on whatever he was doing at his desk.
Casey nodded, turning his attention to the chickens screen.
"Hm... it says that the number equation thingy is like... thermal energy and mechanical energy and.. combustion, whatever the fuck that is, energy."
He paused, staring blankly at the screen.
"And theres like an equation? Something about P and theres a buncha Ns and stuff man."
Donnie sighed, spinning his chair to face him before sauntering over to check out the page with him.
"First of all," he grumbled, "combustion is a reaction between fuel and an oxidation that produces light and heat. Secondly, the equation is talking about the power and the relativity to-"
Casey wasnt embarrassed to admit that he zoned out for the trademarked Donnie-Ramble that he had inadvertently sparked. He spoke as if everyone could understand his level of... whatever he was, and it made something in Casey's chest twist.
"Ok, ok dude! Thats cool and all, but can't you, ya know, just speak English or something?" Casey snarked.
"This is English!" Donnie exclaimed. "But perhaps my way of speaking is just too advanced for your simple ape mind. Sorry about that, Jones. I'll dumb it down for you."
Now that ticked Casey off.
"I'm not dumb!" Casey snapped.
"You sure seem like it." Donnie replied.
Casey stood up, feet thudding on the metal as he jumped out of the car to face Donnie.
"I don't- ugh! I'm gonna go spar with Raph. Fuck off."
With that, Casey stomped out of the shed, leaving a disgruntled Donnie to himself as he turned to head inside.
Donnie had eventually decided to try to mend things, Casey being too stubborn to do it himself and the car, being the half-built piece of junk it was, needed to be finished as soon as possible.
So Casey helped him.
But he just... couldnt shake that feeling. The doubt, heavy in his gut, about himself and his intelligence.
(Later, he would realize it was never about being smart. Intellect never mattered to Casey Jones.)
The next time it happened, it was after the battle for New York. He and April had been sidelined, and while she showed no real jealousy for the work the turtles got to do, Casey just felt...
Useless Restless.
It buzzed in his joints, pulling him to fight and fight and find trouble wherever he went just to get that feeling that he was helping put somehow. He wasnt sweet and patient like April -she was helping out the city with food and warm places to stay with her dad - but he could fight. And there were some punks who wanted to take advantage of the destruction for their own gain that were perfect targets for his newfound rage.
But then he got defeated and dragged his sorry ass to the turtles lair.
"Well, look what the cat dragged in. Where you been, Jones?"
The turtles were lounging on the sofas, relaxed and easy-going as if there were no more problems for them to solve.
It made Casey's skin itch in that ret-hot rash before he got angry.
"Doing what you should be helping the city, stopping crime!"
Leo's face shifted into a frown, eyes trying to dechiper whatever Casey was going on about. He was always like that, analyzing things that didnt need to be dug through.
"Whoa, hold up. In case you hadn't noticed, we just got back here." Leo said placatingly.
Donnie and Mikey both voiced their agreement and the rash got itchier. It made him feel stupid for even suggesting something.
Like he was crazy, and everyone else knew it.
Everyone always knew something that he didn't now didnt they?
"Evil never takes downtime. I just took on the Purple Dragons." Casey snapped angrily.
Everyone gasped sarcastically, and Casey glared at the floor. He hears Mieky behind him snd blindly swings at him, but Mikey retracts his head into his shell and grins mischievously
"So how bad you beat 'em?" Raph chuckles, lounging even farther into the sofa.
Casey paused for a second.
"Well, at least I stopped 'em from getting away with the cash!" He said defensively.
There was silence.
Then,
"Wait, you didn't beat the Purple Dragons?"
Then, they start laughing.
Its like nails on a whiteboard, loud and obnoxious as they laugh and laugh and laugh at his inability and stupidity.
Because of course Casey messed up! He's the worst of them all, the stupid guy and the weak little human. Of course they're laughing at him.
The rash feels like burning all over him, fierce and angry and ready to turn him into a pile of ashes.
(He feels like he'd rather be a pile of ashes than feel this humliated.)
His reflex finally kicks in, and his mouth opens up to spite.
"You don't want to help? Fine! I don't need you guys. Casey Jones can protect the city alone."
He hears someone speak and a can bring thrown, but he doesn't turn back to face them.
His fists tremble as he marches onwards, face red and hot as he resolutely faces forward.
Casey Jones wasnt an idiot.
And he was going to prove it.
"Are you crazy? Shredder is a dangerous assassin. You don't stand a chance! I mean, not even the slightest chance, the tiniest, tiniest, ittiest, bittiest-"
He feels his fists tremble again, that angry rash spread over his body as he turns away from Raph to hide his red face.
"I get it! Go take your little case to Donnie. Casey Jones works better alone." He finally snaps, and that effectively shuts Raph up.
After the fight with Shredder and his goons, Casey still didnt feel better.
He didnt feel... normal, per say.
He felt like someone had permanently left something in his stomach, a parasite that wormed itself up through his throat and into his brain.
It felt heavy.
He was laying on his bed, his face smothered in his pillow on a Saturday morning when he heard someone tap the window. His dad wasnt home, somewhere on the streets of New York doing work as a construction worker.
He looked over to see...
"What the fuck are you doing here, Raph?"
He opened the window and the giant turtle pulled himself inside without making a noise.
Raph sat down on his bed, eyes downcast in a way he'd never seen his best friend look before.
Like he was guilty.
"I'm sorry, Case."
Now that was weird. Really weird. Like, super not-Raph style stuff.
"Uhm, are you feeling ok dude?"
Raph looked up with his intense green eyes, and Casey shut up.
"Listen to me, man. I- I said some things I shouldn't have said to you about... you know, the whole factory day."
Casey sighed.
"It was true though, wasnt it?"
"What-"
"It's not like Casey Jones is of any use to you guys," he started, voice shakes and soft. "I'm just too- ugh. Too fucking stupid."
He blinks back tears as he keeps going.
"I mean, I'm not even useful in a fight, am I? Just a weak little human dude with all of you guys. I get it, man. Don't worry."
Raph was silent for a second.
Then, he felt strong, scaly arms wrap around him.
"How long have you been feeling like this, Jones?" He asked softly.
That tone, that sweet gruff voice, made tears spike in his eyes.
"I- I dunno," he sighed. "Just been, you know, running 'round the noggin."
Raph snorted into his shoulder.
"Well know that ain't none of that true, like ever." Raph started. Casey was about to say something; but a glare from.him effectively shut him up again.
"Listen, Casey. You gotta give yourself credit when credits due, dontcha? Like when you saved Donnie from that car. Or maybe when you, I dunno, took on Shred-head and his goons and won? Sounds pretty damn impressive to me."
"And you ain't stupid, ok? You're plenty smart when you gotta be. Look around at us, ok? The only really smart people here are April and Don. The rest of us are idiots like you."
Casey smiled at that, feeling tears well up again in the corner of his eyes.
"And we wouldn't have you around if you were a complete dunderhead," Raph added teasingly. "You matter to us."
Thats what made Casey finally break, tears slipping from his eyes as he shoved his face into Raph's shoulder. The turtle didnt seem time mind the extra water, rubbing his large 3-fingered hand over his spine comfortingly as he held his best friend.
It took a bit for Casey to finally stop crying, tears exhausted and eyes now drier that the Sahara.
"Ugh," he grumbled. "Crying sucks."
"Yeah yeah," Raph chuckled.
They sat there then,.enjoying each other's company and warmth as they embraced.
Raph was the one who finally pulled away, green eyes softer and kinder than he was used to.
"...wanna play Fantastic Four Food Group Fight?" Casey suggested.
"Hell yeah." Raph snorted.