Chapter Text
JOHN: okay is everyone ready?
DAVE: yes john christ weve been preparing for hours learning how to play this game
KANAYA: It Has Not Been That Long But I Agree That It Has Been Quite A While And I Am Eager To Begin
DAVE: see even the patient troll is getting antsy lets go already
JOHN: okay first lets introduce our characters to one another
JOHN: karkat?
KARKAT: WHAT.
JOHN: tell us your character's name and class and race and stuff
KARKAT: OKAY. MY NAME IS NOOKSTUFFER BONEBULGE.
VRISKA: Wow Karkat. ::::\
KARKAT: I AM A NEUTRAL GOOD CLERIC OF PELOR. ALTHOUGH HOW A GOD OF THE SUN QUALIFIES AS A "GOOD" DEITY IS BEYOND ME.
JOHN: and your race?
KARKAT: I AM EXPERIMENTING WITH THIS BRAINDEAD RETARDED MENTAL DISORDER YOU POSESS, KNOWN TO THE OTHER SPECIES OF THE UNIVERSE AS "BEING A HUMAN."
DAVE: humans are so hardcore even our mental disorders are retarded
KARKAT: FUCK OFF.
JOHN: okay, next?
GAMZEE: MoThErFuCkIn ElDoN gReEnBoTtLe AlL uP iN tHiS bItCh.
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NAME IS THAT.
GAMZEE: I dOn'T bE kNoWiNg WhAt AlL iTs MeAnInG iS bUt It WaS wHaT tHe MoThErFuCkInG bOoK tOlD mE wHaT a GoOd NaMe WaS.
JOHN: okay eldon greenbottle and you were a... bard, right?
GAMZEE: hAlFlInG bArD aNd AlL tYpEs Of ChAoTiC aNd NeUtRaL aNd ShIt.
KARKAT: OH FUCK NO. THAT IS LITERALLY THE WORST IDEA POSSIBLE. YOU'RE GOING TO KILL US ALL.
JOHN: actually the bard tends to be more of a support class than an outright combat class
JOHN: it does a lot of buffing and some heals
JOHN: but not so much healing that he's going to step on a cleric's toes very much in a party this size. it's a secondary healer
JOHN: well i guess it's kind of a secondary everything.
KARKAT: LOOK, I DON'T CARE IF SOMEONE ELSE IS HELPING ME KEEP YOU ASSHOLES ALIVE. I JUST WANT THE RECORD TO SHOW THAT I CALLED IT AHEAD OF TIME.
KANAYA: I Will Write It Down In My Note Book Here
KARKAT: I WAS BEING METAPHORICAL BUT WHATEVER.
JOHN: kanaya, why don't you go next?
KANAYA: My Character Is Named Acrimony
KANAYA: She Is A Human Barbarian
DAVE: oh god i can tell by the name rose helped her with that one
KANAYA: She Did Assist A Little
DAVE: do i have to remind you why rose is banned from our dnd table
KANAYA: Someone Mentioned Something About A Wizard Fetish
DAVE: yeah that and stupid character names
DAVE: i mean this is the person who gave us zazzerpan the longbearded or whatever
KANAYA: I Do Not See Anything Wrong With That Particular Name Except That It Would Not Fit A Barbarian Very Well
DAVE: shit no are you crazy
DAVE: zazzerpan smash
JOHN: okay moving on...
KARKAT: THANK YOU.
JOHN: dave what's your character?
DAVE: shit is it my turn to share with the class
DAVE: let me find my character sheet among all these important notes and shit
GAMZEE: WaTcH tHe WiCkEd ElIxIr BrO.
DAVE: im not going to spill your fucking faygo bro chill out
DAVE: do you realize how much work id have to redo if i got orange sticky sugary bullshit all over my character sheet
DAVE: literally MINUTES would be wasted do i look like i have that kind of time
DAVE: okay here we go
DAVE: i am brofist the human sorcerer
DAVE: true neutral alignment
DAVE: magic and shit up the wazoo
DAVE: fyi wazoos are a special organ that only sorcerers possess that allows them to cast magic
JOHN: wait, you'e playing a spellcaster?
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: by the way nobody tell rose or ill never live it down
DAVE: kanaya im looking at you
KANAYA: My Lips Are Sealed
DAVE: better be
JOHN: i'm just concerned that the party caster is kind of a complicated roll to fill, with extra rules and stuff to keep track of
DAVE: relax man i got this
VRISKA: My turn yet?
JOHN: sure go ahead
VRISKA: Well I looked through all the source8ooks I could find, and saw that this game was sorely lacking a Gam8lignant class.
VRISKA: Or at least some equivilent!
DAVE: gamblig what
VRISKA: So I went with the next 8est thing availa8le to me.
VRISKA: Drow Rogue/Assassin
KARKAT: OH GOD, NEVERMIND THE BARD, VRISKA'S GOING TO KILL US FIRST.
JOHN: and your character's name?
VRISKA: An assassin needs no name. She lurks in the shadows with 8aited 8reath, while her prey wanders helplessly into her we8. ::::)
KARKAT: GAMZEE CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOR AND KILL ME BEFORE VRISKA KILLS ME IN-GAME, AND/OR MAKES ME KILL MYSELF IN ORDER TO GET AWAY FROM HER MARGINALLY FASTER THAN I COULD BY JUST LEAVING THE ROOM?
GAMZEE: uH sErIoUsLy BrO?
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK NO NOT SERIOUSLY.
KARKAT: ALTHOUGH THE SECOND OPTION IS LOOKING MORE AND MORE APPEALING AS WE GO. AND WE HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED YET. SO HURRAY FOR FUCKING THAT.
DAVE: pipe down windbag
DAVE: the sooner we start the sooner we can get to the pointless betrayals and merciless backstabbing
KANAYA: I Do Not Believe That Is The Goal Of This Game
VRISKA: The only thing we should 8e 8acksta88ing is every poor soul who crosses our path!
JOHN: so i take it you're chaotic evil then, vriska?
VRISKA: Evil is su8jeeeeeeeective.
KARKAT: SO BASICALLY YES.
VRISKA: Shh!
KARKAT: BY THE WAY THANKS FOR PLAYING A CHARACTER WITH AN ALIGNMENT DIAMETRICALLY OPPOSED TO MINE'S. I'M SURE THESE TWO FUCKWADS WE'RE PLAYING WILL GET ALONG SWIMMINGLY IN FANTASY PLANET.
KARKAT: GOOD LUCK GETTING ME TO HEAL YOU.
VRISKA: I won't 8e needing it!
DAVE: can we get this show on the road
DAVE: my wands are itching to cast eldritch bullshit on some bad guys
DAVE: or something
GAMZEE: mY oNe MaN bAnD iS aLl KiNdS oF pUmPeD tO sInG tHe MoThErFuCkInG sOnG oF cOuRaGe AnD sHiT
KANAYA: I Too Am Eager To Begin The Game
VRISKA: Adventure aw8ts!!!!!!!!
KARKAT: LET'S JUST GET THIS OVER WITH.
---
JOHN: the party is in a large village called woodcrest, where you were told to meet a man named mikael for a job. you were told to meet him in the local tavern at around noon, which is where you currently are. he should arrive any time now
KANAYA: What Is The Nature Of This Job
JOHN: mikael will give you more details when you meet with him, but from what you've heard the village has had trouble with some bandits recently. it's probably related to that
VRISKA: Who else is in the tavern 8esides us?
JOHN: there's the bartender and the serving girl, plus... six other patrons
KARKAT: DID YOU JUST ROLL FOR THAT? WHY DID YOU EVEN ROLL FOR THAT? WAS THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE IN THE BAR SO CRITICALLY IMPORTANT THAT ITS OUTCOME HAD TO BE DETERMINED BY THESE ALL-KNOWING PLASTIC POLYHEDRONS?
JOHN: uh, i guess?
GAMZEE: i PuLl OuT mY lUtE aNd StArT sTrUmMiNg A mErRy TuNe FoR mY bRoS.
JOHN: okay. the patrons seem to nod with approval. they like your music
VRISKA: 8etween the alcohol and the music, how distraaaaaaaacted are the other patrons?
JOHN: pretty distracted.
VRISKA: I stealthily creep towards whoever looks the drunkest.
JOHN: okay. roll your move silently skill
VRISKA: Let's see... 36.
JOHN: hopy shit.
KANAYA: She Rolled What I Believe Is Called A Natural Twenty
JOHN: wow. the guy doesnt hear you creeping up behind him at all
VRISKA: And with a loud, "Woops!" I pretend to stum8le and fall right on top of him.
DAVE: what was the point of that
VRISKA: ...snatching his coin purse as we f8ll.
GAMZEE: oH sHiT.
JOHN: roll sleight of hand
VRISKA: I got... 37.
KARKAT: DID SHE JUST ROLL ANOTHER NATURAL 20?
KANAYA: She Rolled A Nineteen Plus Eleven Ranks In That Skill Plus Five For Her Characters Dexterity Modifier Plus Two From Having Five Or More Ranks In Bluff
VRISKA: H8y! I don't need you dou8le ch8cking my m8th!
KANAYA: Sorry
JOHN: all right, you manage to snatch his purse and hide it on your person before he's even reacted to you falling on him
VRISKA: I apologize profusely. "How clumsy of me!"
JOHN: roll bluff
VRISKA: 28
JOHN: he actually apologizes back and helps you up. he says don't worry about it, it was his fault entirely
KARKAT: OH MY FUCKING GOD. IS THIS THE PARTY WE'RE GOING TO BE? ARE YOU GOING TO STEAL FROM EVERYONE YOU SEE WHILE THE LUTE-PLAYING FUCKWAD MAGICALLY DISTRACTS ALL OF THE ONLOOKERS?
GAMZEE: aAw CoMe On BrO, i WaSn'T pLaNnInG oN tHaT hApPeNiNg, I jUsT wAnTeD tO lIgHtEn ThE mOoD iN tHe GlOoMy TaVeRn AnD sHiT.
KARKAT: THE FACT THAT IT WAS UNINTENTIONAL MAKES IT WORSE YOU GIGANTIC FUCKING DOUCHE.
GAMZEE: :o(
VRISKA: I return to my seat, and once no8ody else is looking, I count my spoils.
JOHN: you got eleven silver and two copper
VRISKA: WH8T?!
JOHN: these are relatively poor peasants, they don't carry much money on them
VRISKA: What a w8ste of time!!!!!!!!
KARKAT: HOW MUCH WERE YOU EXPECTING POOR PEASANTS TO HAVE ANYWAY?
VRISKA: I don't know, 8ut more than this!
KARKAT: THEY'RE POOR. YOU JUST STOLE THAT GUY'S MILK MONEY FOR LITERALLY NO REASON YOU HEARTLESS BITCH.
KANAYA: Are You Two Arguing In Character Or Out Of Character
VRISKA: O8viously this is OOC, his character didn't even see me do it!
JOHN: so dave while all this is happening, what are you doing?
JOHN: dave?
DAVE: shit man im just chilling listening to my bard buddy play his song
DAVE: i dont know why death lady walked over to some guy and fell on top of him
DAVE: maybe shes just that desperate who knows
VRISKA: Fuck you!!!!!!!!
JOHN: okay fair enough
JOHN: at this point a new person walks into the tavern. based on his clothing he looks somewhat wealthier than the other patrons. you can see he's wearing chainmail underneath his clothing but he is not armed. this is the man you're here to meet
KARKAT: AS THE ONLY PARTY MEMBER WHO ISN'T PARTLY BRAINDEAD OR MORALLY BANKRUPT, NOOKSTUFFER TAKES IT UPON HIMSELF TO ACT AS THE PARTY DIPLOMAT.
DAVE: i immediately go over and greet the guy
KARKAT: FUCK YOU NOOKSTUFFER WAS ABOUT TO DO THAT.
DAVE: too late i got there first
DAVE: so hey mikey or whatever you name is i hear you have some bandit issues
DAVE: want us to solve them for you its gonna cost you
DAVE: we demand payment of a level appropriate amount of gold and not one fucking cent more
KARKAT: NOOKSTUFFER SHOVES BROFIST OUT OF THE WAY AND STARES DAGGERS AT HIM.
DAVE: i dodge the daggers
KARKAT: IT'S A FUCKING METAPHOR.
DAVE: doesnt matter i have a high armor class
DAVE: its like
DAVE: 14 i think
KARKAT: THE METAPHORICAL DAGGERS THAT COME OUT OF NOOKSTUFFER'S METAPHORICAL EYES ARE PLUS INFINITY VORPAL DAGGERS OF GO FUCKING YOURSELF. THERE IS NO METAPHORICAL ARMOR CLASS HIGH ENOUGH TO METAPHORICALLY PREVENT YOUR IMMEDIATE AND TOTAL METAPHORICAL DISTRUCTION.
DAVE: cool he killed me
DAVE: can i go
JOHN: no i think he was kidding
KARKAT: HOLY SHIT YOU THINK SO?
KARKAT: EVERYONE STOP THE PRESSES THAT DON'T EXIST. EGBERT FIGURED OUT I WAS KIDDING WITH MY SENTENCE THAT HAD THE WORD METAPHOR IN IT EIGHTEEN TRILLION FUCKING TIMES.
KANAYA: Since Our Caster And Healer Are Having An Argument Amongst Themselves Acrimony Takes It Upon Herself To Speak To Mikael
JOHN: mikael explains the situation. in the past six months, a group of bandits has made four separate raids on the village. they've stolen money, food, and other goods, as well as killed a few people who got in their way. they've made raids on other villages and towns in the surrounding countryside, as well as ambushing travelers on the roads. mikael will pay you five thousand gold if you kill the bandits .
KANAYA: Acrimony Asks Her Allies If Five Thousand Sounds Good To Them
GAMZEE: ShIt FiVe ThOuSaNd?
GAMZEE: ThAt'S a BiG mOtHeRfUcKiN lOaD oF cAsH. hOw MuCh Is ThAt FoR eAcH oF uS?
KARKAT: WELL LET'S SEE. THERE'S FIVE OF US, AND FIVE THOUSAND GOLD. WHAT'S FIVE THOUSAND DIVIDED BY FIVE?
GAMZEE: mAtH's NoT rEaLlY mT tHiNg BrO iT hAs ToO mAnY rUlEs AnD sHiT.
GAMZEE: wHeRe'S tHe RoOm FoR tHe MiRaClEs AlL uP iN iT?
KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT WAS MY FUCKING FAULT. I APOLOGIZE TO MYSELF FOR ASKING YOU THAT QUESTION.
VRISKA: A thousand gold's a decent amount, 8ut he's going to have to sweeten the deal if he wants our help. ::::)
JOHN: roll diplomacy
VRISKA: 30
JOHN: he seems to think about it for a moment, and then he says that he has an old dagger of venom he doesn't have any use for. it's kind of a family heirloom and he's reluctant to part with it, but he'll give it to you if you bring back proof that all of the bandits are gone.
VRISKA: Deal!!!!!!!!
JOHN: mikael walks over to a table, pulls out a scroll tube, and unrolls a map of the area. theres a forested area about a full days travel away on foot and part of it is circled. mikael says the bandit's camp is suspected to be somewhere in that area.
KANAYA: Are We Familiar With This Area
JOHN: not particularly but it should be pretty easy to find
KANAYA: Do We Need Any Other Gear Or Preparations Before We Head Out
KARKAT: NO WE ALL HAVE THE STANDARD ADVENTURING GEAR AND SHIT. LET'S JUST GET OUT OF HERE.
DAVE: so are we on foot then or do we have horses
JOHN: you came to woodcrest on foot, traveling the main road. when you first heard about the towns bandit issues you were told that one of the first things they bandits did was steal or kill all the horses. so there's really no alternative to walking.
KARKAT: GREAT, WE GET TO SPEND A LONG-ASS DAY ON THE ROAD UNDER THE BLISTERING HOT SUN THAT NOOKSTUFFER WORSHIPS FOR SOME REASON.
VRISKA: As a Drow I'm not such a 8ig fan of it myself. ::::\
KANAYA: I Find A Stroll Outside On A Sunny Day To Be Rather Relaxing Both In Character And Out Of Character
DAVE: who says its sunny egbert hasnt told us the weather yet
DAVE: i need like
DAVE: barometric pressure here
DAVE: accurate right down to the nearest uh
DAVE: shit whats air pressure measured in anyway
DAVE: lets just call them airpounds
DAVE: john how many airpounds is it outside right now
JOHN: uh
JOHN: well it's about noon, partly cloudy, and looks like it might get cloudier later?
DAVE: i need the chance of precipitation
JOHN: roll knowledge (nature) to see if your character can make a decent guess
DAVE: wheres my d20
GAMZEE: wAtCh ThE eLiXiR.
DAVE: dude COME ON i am not going to spill your faygo
KANAYA: Dave May I Ask Why You Have So Many Sheets Of Paper On Your Side Of The Table
DAVE: notes
DAVE: spells
DAVE: miscellaneous bullshit
DAVE: okay here we go rolling nature
DAVE: oh wow
KANAYA: Is That A One Or A Seven I Cannot Tell From This Angle
GAMZEE: iT's A 1.
VRISKA: What!
DAVE: plus my skill modifier thats...
DAVE: negative two
VRISKA: WH8T!!!!!!!!
KARKAT: OKAY MORBID CURIOSITY HAS OVERCOME MY DESIRE TO CONTINUE NOT BEING INSANE AND/OR BRAIN DAMAGED. HOW DID YOU MANAGE TO ROLL IN THE NEGATIVES?
DAVE: zero ranks in the skill and an int modifier of -3
VRISKA: Your intell8gence score is FOUR?!
JOHN: huh.
DAVE: what
KANAYA: Even Acrimonys Intelligence Is In The Double Digits
DAVE: well no shit rose helped you minmax
KANAYA: I Am Unfamiliar With That Term Is It A Human Custom
DAVE: haha not really
DAVE: ask vriska im sure she can explain it
VRISKA: I have a8solutely no idea what you're talking a8out.
JOHN: moving right along here...
JOHN: you are unable to make a decent guess whether itll rain or not
GAMZEE: wAiT i ThInK i HaVe KnOwLeDgE nAtUrE.
GAMZEE: sHoUlD i RoLl ThAt.
JOHN: if you want to, sure
KARKAT: NOT THAT DIE, YOU MORON. THAT'S A D12.
GAMZEE: BuT tHiS oNe Is AlL fUlL oF mAgIc AnD sHiT...
KARKAT: FOR FUCK'S SAKE, THAT'S JUST GLITTER. THE FACT THAT IT'S SUSPENDED IN A PURPLE DODECAHEDRON DOESN'T GRANT IT MAGICAL POWERS!
GAMZEE: hOw Do YoU bE kNoWiN tHe GlItTeR dOnT bE gIvInG iT sPeCiAl PoWeRs?
KARKAT: JUST ROLL THIS ONE.
GAMZEE: AaWh I cAn'T uSe ThAt OnE nOw. YoU tOuChEd It AnD rUiNeD aLl ThE lItTlE mIrAcLeS.
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN.
VRISKA: It means you shouldn't 8e messing with another man's dice!
KARKAT: OKAY, FINE, WHATEVER, I DON'T EVEN CARE.
KARKAT: ROLL THE D12 AND GET IT OVER WITH.
GAMZEE: tHiS mOtHeRfUcKeR's ToTaL iS... 19.
KANAYA: Oh I See You Gave Yourself Eight Ranks In All The Knowledge Skills You Possess So That When You Add Your Intelligence Modifier You Get An Even 10 To Add To What You Get On The Die
KANAYA: That Way The Math Is Simpler
GAMZEE: wHaT?
GAMZEE: nAh ThAt WaSn'T wHaT i HaD bEeN tRyIn To Be DoInG tHaTs JuSt HoW iT aLl Up AnD tUrNeD oUt.
JOHN: okay based on the clouds on the horizon you'd guess there's about a 50% chance of rain later in the evening, and its definitely going to get foggier later in the day
KARKAT: HOLY SHIT EVERYONE. WE HAVE A FUCKING WEATHER REPORT. DID WE WIN?
VRISKA: Inform8ion is key, Karkat.
KARKAT: I'LL KEEP IT AT THE FRONT OF MY THINK PAN.
KARKAT: SO WHILE THE TWO INSUFFERABLE MORONS WERE TRYING TO PREDICT THE WEATHER, NOOKSTUFFER HAS BEEN MAKING WHATEVER TRAVEL PREPARATIONS NEED TO BE MADE BEFORE WE SET OUT.
KANAYA: I Believe It Is Time To Hit The Road
JOHN: the party moves out. as you reach the edge of town, you are approached by an old woman.
DAVE: shit were under attack
DAVE: kanaya get your sword out
KANAYA: Acrimony Uses A Greataxe
KARKAT: DON'T ATTACK THE FUCKING PEASANTS!
JOHN: she looks much the same as the other villagers you've encountered. she looks to be in her mid forties. she looks like shes been grieving.
GAMZEE: I cAn ChEeR hEr RiGhT tHe FuCk Up.
KARKAT: PUT AWAY YOUR FUCKING LUTE. THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR AN IMPROMPTU CONCERT.
KARKAT: NOOKSTUFFER ASKS THE OLD WOMAN WHAT'S FUCKING TROUBLING HER, LIKE A DECENT HUMAN BEING.
KARKAT: AND WOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT SENTENCE JUST CAME OUT OF MY MOUTH.
JOHN: she explains that her daughter was kidnapped the last time the bandits raided the town. she's afraid her daughter is dead, or worse. she is begging you to bring her back safely, but she has no way of paying you for your services
VRISKA: No gold? No deal.
KANAYA: Since We Are Already Being Paid To Go To The Bandit Camp We May As Well Try And Save This Womans Daughter If Possible
DAVE: shit we have to accept the sidequest havent you people played video games before
DAVE: especially if she says she cant pay us
DAVE: thats code for plot shit
JOHN: are you making that argument in character?
DAVE: what no
DAVE: give me some credit john
GAMZEE: I'm AgReEiNg WiTh WhAt My MaGiCaL bRo Be SaYiNg.
KARKAT: THAT'S THREE IN FAVOR OF SAVING HER DAUGHTER, ONE ABSTAINING, AND ONE HEARTLESS BITCH.
VRISKA: Wh8ever.
JOHN: the woman thanks all of you and says if theres any way she can ever repay you shell find a way
DAVE: see
DAVE: plot shit
KARKAT: SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET'S FINALLY HIT THE ROAD.
JOHN: you hit the road. you travel for some hours and as you're going the weather gradually turns foggy. as you get further away from town the road gets a little less well kept and the wilderness gradually grows more marsh-like
KANAYA: Did The Map We Were Provided Indicate That This Is The Type Of Enviornment We Should Expect If We Are Following The Correct Route
JOHN: yeah the actual forest where the bandit camp is thought to be is basically beyond the damp area.
KARKAT: ARE THERE ANY OTHER MISERABLE SOULS ON THE ROAD, OR ARE WE ALONE IN THIS GODFORSAKEN ENVIORNMENT?
JOHN: the road is almost suspiciously empty, now that you think of it. in fact the whole area seems like it's quiet... too quiet
DAVE: oh fuck
DAVE: kanaya get your sword out
KANAYA: Im Sorry But Why This Time
DAVE: come on dont you guys know anything
DAVE: when its too quiet that means monsters are going to show up
JOHN: dave stop metagaming!
DAVE: its not metagaming if i know the cliche in character
DAVE: here let me roll for that
DAVE: shit what do i even roll for knowledge (cliche)
JOHN: listen check
DAVE: what does listening have to do with fantasy gaming cliches
JOHN: no i mean everybody roll me a listen check
GAMZEE: oH mOtHeRfUcK.
KARKAT: 19
VRISKA: 23
DAVE: 4
GAMZEE: 13
KANAYA: 28
KANAYA: Dave I Apologise If It Is None Of My Business But Is Your Wisdom Modifier Also In The Negatives
DAVE: i dont have to be wise to do my magic
DAVE: did rose have you max out your listen skill
KANAYA: She Suggested I Might Not Want To Have Things Easily Sneak Up On Me And I Agreed
VRISKA: Gamzee are you going to keep rolling that D12 instead of the D20?
GAMZEE: HeLlS yEs I fUcKiNg Am.
VRISKA: Ok8y, just checking. ::::\
JOHN: acromony and... whatever vriska's character is named both hear the distant but unmistakable sound of a large creature approaching.
VRISKA: Wh8 does it sound like?
JOHN: huge footsteps and slithering, coming from off the road. you can't tell exactly what's making it due to the fog and foilage
DAVE: see kanaya i told you you shouldve gotten your sword out
KANAYA: Acrimony Announces To Her Companions That A Large Creature Of Some Sort Is Approaching And Readies Her Greataxe
GAMZEE: I gEt My LuTe OuT.
KARKAT: YEAH THAT'S GOING TO HELP A LOT, I'M SURE.
VRISKA: I 8ack away from the rest of the group, and disappear into the under8rush on the opposite side of the road from the 8ig monster.
JOHN: roll hide
VRISKA: 34
JOHN: wow. yeah you're pretty well hidden
KARKAT: AT THE RISK OF BEING THE VOICE OF REASON FOR THIS TRAINWRECK, WHY ARE WE NOT JUST RUNNING?
DAVE: because it s a random encounter and were not supposed to run
JOHN: for my reference, everyone please put your miniatures on the grid where your character is standing
KANAYA: Please Position My Miniature At The Front Of The Group Between Us And The Direction Of The Monster
GAMZEE: pUt Me Up ThE mOtHeRfUcKiNg FrOnT bRo.
KARKAT: WHY ARE YOU TAKING POINT YOU IDIOT? KANAYA IS THE TANK.
GAMZEE: I gOt Me A pLaN.
DAVE: whys my sorc holding a book
JOHN: that mini is technically supposed to be a wizard
JOHN: i don't have the correct minis for everything
KANAYA: Is That Why My Miniature Is Using A Mace
JOHN: yeah exactly
KANAYA: Okay Because I Was Concerned For A Moment Due To The Fact That A Mace Has Much Lower Damage Output
DAVE: yeah rose didnt help her minmax at all
KARKAT: YOU'RE COMPLAINING ABOUT KANAYA'S CHARACTER, DESPITE WHAT VRISKA HAS BEEN ROLLING?
DAVE: yeah good point
VRISKA: You're just jealous of my dice skills!
JOHN: there is a tense moment as the party braces for battle. then out of the mist charges a huge monster! this beast resembles some great reptile with a veritable forest of heads on long, slender necks. oh and it has reddish skin
DAVE: did you just read the description out of the book
JOHN: yeah. so what?
KANAYA: How Many Heads Does It Have
JOHN: you count six
KARKAT: I'M GLAD I'M IN THE BACK.
VRISKA: Okay that mini looks more like a giant ro8ot than a hydra.
JOHN: the mini is a warforged titan. it's the only huge creature i have. just pretend its a six headed lizard
GAMZEE: aW sHiT yEaH tHiS iS wHeRe ThE iMaGiNaTiOn MaKeS aLl ThE mIrAcLeS hApPeN. :o)
JOHN: anyway everyone roll initiative
VRISKA: 21!
KANAYA: 17
GAMZEE: 4 :o(
DAVE: 11
KARKAT: 15
JOHN: looks like vriskas going first
VRISKA: Is there any way for me to sneak 8ehiiiiiiiind it????????
JOHN: the group of people is a big obvious distracting target even though the monster can look six directions at once. you can probably do it if youre careful
VRISKA: I creep as carefully 8ut as quickly as I can. I got... 24 move silently.
JOHN: youre lucky, the hydra doesn't seem to notice you
VRISKA: I w8 for the opportune moment to strike! ::::)
JOHN: ooooooookay. acrimony youre next
KANAYA: Acrimony Charges The Creature As She Flies Into A Rage
JOHN: if nothing else you're definitely going to keep it distracted from the sneaking rogue
VRISKA: Assassin.
KARKAT: EVIL MURDERER.
DAVE: hydra bait
GAMZEE: hOnK.
JOHN: the hydra gets to make an attack of opportunity against her as she enters its threatened area. does... 23 hit you?
KANAYA: It Does Not Due To The Mobility Feat Giving Four Additional Armor Class Against Attacks Of Opportunity
KARKAT: SO THE RAMPAGING BARBARIAN IS EVEN MORE UNSTOPPABLE WHILE RAMPAGING LIKE A LUNATIC? HOW IS THAT BALANCED COMPARED TO THE REST OF THE CLASSES IN THE GAME?
JOHN: go ahead and roll your attack. you get +2 to the roll from the charge
KANAYA: Here I Go
KANAYA: Oh Hell
VRISKA: Ha! Nice two, fussyfangs!
KANAYA: That Was Not The Number That I Intended To Roll
KARKAT: ADD IT UP, YOU MIGHT HIT. I DOUBT A GIANT LIZARD IS HARD TO HIT WITH A MACE.
KANAYA: Acrimony Uses A Greataxe
KARKAT: THE FUCKING MINI THREW ME OFF. ALSO, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT.
KANAYA: My Total Is Eighteen
JOHN: oh wow. yeah that hits
VRISKA: Wh8t!
JOHN: if it wasnt for the +2 from charging shed have missed. go ahead and roll damage kanaya
KANAYA: Thirteen Damage
JOHN: the monster roars in pain as the greataxe goes into its chest. you definitely made an impression
GAMZEE: aM i NeXt?
KARKAT: NO YOU MORON, YOU ROLLED A 2 ON A FUCKING D12 AND GOT A TOTAL OF SHIT. WE'RE PLAYING WITH TWO MINMAXED PSYCHO CHARACTERS PLUS WHATEVER THE FUCK DAVE CAME UP WITH ON HIS CHARACTER SHEET COVERED IN RAP AND PUPPET DOODLES.
DAVE: brofists charsheet is legit dont be hatin
KARKAT: I DON'T... EVEN KNOW WHAT MOST OF THOSE WORDS MEANT?
GAMZEE: Me NeItHeR mY bEsT fRiEnD.
KARKAT: WOW THAT'S FUCKING NEW.
JOHN: its actually your turn karkat
KARKAT: OH IS IT? SPECTACULAR. NOBODY HAS BEEN INJURED YET SO NOOKSTUFFER HAS NOTHING TO DO.
JOHN: you know clerics can do other things besides healing, right?
KARKAT: YES I LOOKED AT MY SPELLS AND DOMAIN SHIT. I ASSUMED I'D BE MORE USEFUL TO THE GROUP AS A HEALBOT. AND LET'S FACE IT, WITH THIS GROUP IT'S GOING TO BE FUCKING NEEDED.
DAVE: so wait did you prepare any other magic at all
KARKAT: NO. WHY?
DAVE: haha man just checking dont worry about it
JOHN: alright well after karkat the hydra goes
KARKAT: FUCK.
JOHN: the only one close enough for the hydra to attack at the moment is acrimony and she just hit it with an axe. all six heads bite at her one after another
KARKAT: FUUUUUUUUCK.
JOHN: does... 17 hit you?
KANAYA: No
JOHN: 19
KANAYA: No
JOHN: 15 misses... 9 definitely misses... 26?
KANAYA: I Am Afraid That Does Hit Me
JOHN: 11 damage
KANAYA: I Will Record It At The Top
JOHN: and the last attack... 22?
KANAYA: That Is A Hit As Well
JOHN: you take... another 9 damage
KARKAT: WELL I'M FUCKING GLAD I WASTED MY TURN BEFORE THE MONSTER DID ANYTHING. WHAT'S IT LIKE BLEEDING TO DEATH, KANAYA?
KANAYA: Relatively Speaking I Have Taken Very Little Damage
KARKAT: GOOD FOR FUCKING YOU THAT YOU CAN ABSORB BEING HALF-EATEN BY A GIANT LIZARD. NOOKSTUFFER WILL BE HERE TO PUT YOUR BLOOD BACK INSIDE WHEN YOU'RE FINISHED BEING DIGESTED, WHEN HE'S NOT BUSY STANDING AROUND FONDLING HIMSELF.
VRISKA: Is th8t what priests of the sun do when they're not 8usy healing?
KARKAT: NOOKSTUFFER'S FAITH IS A COMPLEX AND MANY-FACETED THING. EXCEPT, REPLACE COMPLEX WITH RETARDED AND FACETED WITH ME GOUGING MY EYES OUT WITH A SHARP OBJECT BOTH IN-GAME AND OUT.
JOHN: karkat since you held your action on your turn you can jump into the initiative at any time and take your action then
KARKAT: OH SO I CAN HEAL KANAYA NOW?
JOHN: yeah
KARKAT: OKAY EXCELLENT. GLAD I CAN BE SLIGHTLY USEFUL AT RANDOM POINTS IN THE TURN ORDER. THAT'S SLIGHTLY LESS TERRIBLE. NOOKSTUFFER CASTS CURE MODERATE WOUNDS, HEALING ACRIMONY FOR... 18 DAMAGE.
KANAYA: Excellent I Am Almost At Full Health
GAMZEE: iS iT mY tUrN yEt?
DAVE: no man i think im next
JOHN: yeah dave is next
DAVE: hell yes
DAVE: everyone sit back and get ready for the magic cuz brofist is about to crank out some fireworks
KARKAT: THIS OUGHT TO BE GOOD.
DAVE: i cast flare
VRISKA: WH8T!
DAVE: hydra has to make a fortitude save or its like blinded or some shit
JOHN: huh. it rolled a natural 1
DAVE: cool the hydra is... dazzled
KARKAT: DAZZLED? WHAT THE FUCK IS DAZZLED?
DAVE: dazzled is step 1 of my master fucking plan
KARKAT: NO. SERIOUSLY. DOES THIS GAME HAVE A STATUS CONDITION CALLED "DAZZLED?"
JOHN: yeah it basically cant see as good for a while. also makes it slightly shittier at attacking
VRISKA: D8ve dont you have aaaaaaaany offensive a8ilities????????
DAVE: trust me on this the flare is the shits business
JOHN: gamzee youre up
KARKAT: OH GOD, HERE WE GO.
GAMZEE: I sEe ThE bIg MoNsTeR. aNd ThE bIg MoNsTeR lOoKs At Me. AnD i'M lIkE, wHy CaNt We JuSt Be BrOs BrO? bUt ItS aLl HuGe AnD dEaDlY aNd ItS a MoThErFuCkInG tRaGeDy ThAt We CaNt CoMmUnIcAtE lIkE tWo PeOpLe. AnD iF iTs ThReAtEnInG mY bRoS tHeN iTs GoT tO mOtHeRfUcKiNg Go.
KARKAT: ...WHAT?
GAMZEE: I dRaW mY wEaPoN aNd ChArGe ThE mOtHeRfUcKeR. :o)
JOHN: as you charge it rolls... 11 on its attack of opportunity which i assume misses
GAMZEE: ThE mOtHeRfUcKeR cAnT hIt Me. I'm AbOuT tO wReCk ItS sHiT.
DAVE: oh shit he switched to the rainbow colored d20 for this one
VRISKA: This outta 8e good.
GAMZEE: mOtHeRfUcKiNg MoThErFuCkEr!!!!!
KANAYA: He Rolled A Natural Twenty
VRISKA: Critical hit 8itch!
JOHN: hang on what weapon is gamzees character even using
DAVE: it says on his sheet... dwarven waraxe
VRISKA: Dwarven Waraxe?
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS A DWARVEN?
GAMZEE: DwArVeS aRe LiKe HaLfLiNgS bUt OnLy WiTh BeArDs AlL uP oN tHeIr FaCeS
JOHN: not that it matters in this case but is gamzees character even proficient with that weapon?
KANAYA: I Dont Believe So
JOHN: okay just checking. roll damage
GAMZEE: iLl RoLl ThE mAgIc PlAsTiC bUt CaN oNe Of YoU bRoS mAkE sUrE i PuT tHoSe NuMbErS tOgEtHeR iN tHe RiGhT wAy?
DAVE: i got you bro go ahead and give it a roll
GAMZEE: 7
DAVE: so thats 45 damage to the hydra
KARKAT: WHAT THE GIANT THROBBING FUCK?
JOHN: that cant be right. kanaya can you double check the math on that since youre sitting next to him
KANAYA: Let Me See He Rolled A Seven Plus One From His Characters Strength Score Plus One From The Weapons Enhancement Bonus Plus Six From Power Attack Which Is Fifteen Total Which Is Then Tripled On A Critical Hit
JOHN: jesus
DAVE: yeah man the bard is serious shit
KANAYA: Power Attack Is An Odd Choice Of Feat For A Bard But I Am Not Going To Question Its Effectiveness
GAMZEE: HoNk.
JOHN: alright... note to self: next time use more monsters
VRISKA: We're 8ack at the top with my turn now, right?
JOHN: yeah sorry its your turn
VRISKA: Well while the hydra is distraaaaaaaacted, I sneak up 8ehind it and sta8 it in a vulnera8le place!
JOHN: it hasnt spotted you and youre also technically flanking, so its flat footed
VRISKA: I know. ::::)
JOHN: roll it
VRISKA: 24
JOHN: you hit
VRISKA: Fuck!!!!!!!! Rolled gar8age on my sneak attack dice. 12 damage.
KANAYA: Nice Twos And Ones On Those D6s Vriska
VRISKA: Shut the fuck up!
JOHN: your turn kanaya
KANAYA: Acrimony Is Still In Her Barbarian Rage So She Will Continue Attacking The Hydra
JOHN: since you dont have to move or anything you can take a full attack action and make two attacks
KARKAT: WAIT, WHAT?
KANAYA: That Is Not A Special Barbarian Thing That Is Something That Applies To Every Character Depending On Their Base Attack Bonus
KARKAT: THIS GAME IS WAY TOO FUCKING COMPLICATED. WHY DO PEOPLE PLAY THIS?
DAVE: technically they dont play it anymore since the world ended
KARKAT: OH FUCK. I FORGOT, THE EARTH WAS DESTROYED. AND THE UNIVERSE - NAY - ALL OF PARADOX SPACE WAS ROBBED OF THIS SPECTACULAR MIRACLE OF GAME DESIGN YOUR STUPID FUCKING SPECIES CAME UP WITH.
DAVE: yeah basically
KANAYA: I Roll An Eighteen To Hit The Hydra
JOHN: you hit. roll damage
KANAYA: Seventeen
KANAYA: Unfortunately I Rolled Very Poorly On My Other Attack And I Do Not Think Thirteen Will Hit
JOHN: and because nookstuffer delayed his action last round, he goes after the hydra this time
KARKAT: SPECTACULAR. TRY NOT TO DIE BEFORE MY TURN, OKAY GUYS?
VRISKA: I'll 8e fine. ::::)
KARKAT: YEAH BECAUSE THE THIEF/ASSASSIN/WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU ARE IS THE ONE WHO I WAS WORRIED WOULD GET EATEN BY THE HYDRA, AND NOT ONE OF THE TWO FUCKING PSYCHOS ATTACKING IT FROM THE FRONT. I MEAN, IT ONLY HAS SIX FUCKING HEADS. HOW MANY DO WE HAVE TO CUT OFF TO KILL IT ANYWAY?
JOHN: actually if you cut off one of the heads, two more grow back
KARKAT: HOLY SHIT, THESE THINGS CAN HAVE EVEN MORE HEADS?
JOHN: yeah the monster manual has stats for up to twelve heads naturally
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK?
JOHN: and any hydra can ultimately have up to double its original heads if you just keep cutting them off
KARKAT: WELL I'M GLAD WE'RE NOT DOING THE DECAPITATION STRATEGY, BECAUSE CLEARLY THAT WOULD FUCKING WORK. HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO KILL THIS THING ANYWAY?
VRISKA: It'd 8e dead if I had rolled 8etter. These d6's are laaaaaaaame.
JOHN: the hydra is more concerned with the creatures in front of it than the one behind. three heads attack each of you starting with gamzee
GAMZEE: Uh Oh.
JOHN: does 18 hit you?
GAMZEE: YeS. :o(
JOHN: 7 damage
GAMZEE: Ow!
JOHN: and does... 17 hit you?
GAMZEE: It MoThErFuCkInG dOeS.
JOHN: 12 damage.
GAMZEE: mOtHeRfUcK!
JOHN: and the last one is... 22 which i know hits. 9 more damage.
GAMZEE: tHiS mOtHeRfUcKeR iS gOiNg To NeEd SoMe MoThErFuCkInG bAnDaGeS rEaL fUcKiNg SoOn.
JOHN: and kanaya does... 23 hit you
KANAYA: It Does
JOHN: 13 damage. and i know 15 misses... does 19 hit?
KANAYA: It Does Not
JOHN: okay. karkat's turn
GAMZEE: HoNk. :O(
KARKAT: RELAX YOU GIANT FUCKING WRIGGLER I'M GOING TO HEAL YOU. KANAYA, SORRY, HE NEEDS THE HEALING MORE THAN YOU AND YOU CAN PROBABLY TAKE ANOTHER ROUND OF THE HYDRA.
KANAYA: I Am Fine With That
KARKAT: I CAST CURE SERIOUS WOUNDS, HEALING GAMZEE FOR... 26 DAMAGE
GAMZEE: iM sTiLl BlEeDiNg A lItTlE bIt BrO cAn YoU fIx Me AnY mOrE wItH yOuR mIrAcLeS?
KARKAT: MAYBE NEXT TURN. WHO'S NEXT?
DAVE: yo
KARKAT: OH JEGUS HERE WE GO.
DAVE: i have exactly the spell for this situation just you watch
DAVE: move my mini so im within 15 feet
GAMZEE: i GoT yOu BrO.
DAVE: thats not me thats kanaya
DAVE: thats karkat you dumbass
DAVE: fuck it ill do it
KANAYA: Dave If You Are Casting The Spell I Think You Are Casting Then I Doubt It Will Be Very Effective
DAVE: relax i got this
DAVE: burning hands
DAVE: for... 15 fire damage
JOHN: unfortunately the hydra is immune to fire
DAVE: what
KANAYA: If You Recall The Earlier Description Of The Monster It Was Bright Red Which Means This Is A Pyrohydra
KARKAT: WHY IN GOD'S NAME IS IT IMMUNE TO FIRE AND WHAT THE FUCK IS A PYRO HYDRA? WHO THE FUCK INVENTS THIS SHIT ANYWAY?
DAVE: greeks i think
JOHN: gamzees turn
GAMZEE: i HiT iT aGaIn.
JOHN: roll it
GAMZEE: MoThErFuCkInG mOtHeRfUcK!
VRISKA: Did he just crit8cal again????????
DAVE: no he rolled shit
DAVE: a 3
KANAYA: Plus... Wait A Minute Gamzee Why Is Your Attack Bonus Negative Three
KARKAT: WHAT.
DAVE: hahaha man the math is right its negative three
GAMZEE: :o(
KARKAT: STRIDER YOUR CHARACTER HAS MULTIPLE ABILITY MODIFIERS IN THE NEGATIVES AND HAS YET TO DO ONE PIECE OF MAGIC THAT REMOTELY IMPRESSED ANYONE OR ANYTHING.
DAVE: man were all rolling crappy in this fight even john is
VRISKA: The dice can 8e unkind!
KARKAT: OKAY BUT THIS IS LITERALLY THE FIRST THING WE HAVE FOUGHT IN THE GAME AND LIKE THE SECOND THING WE HAVE DONE OVERALL. AND WE'RE A BUNCH OF FUCKING IDIOTS ABOUT IT, APPARENTLY.
JOHN: anyway, its vriskas turn
VRISKA: I assume the hydra noticed me when I sta88ed it, correct?
JOHN: yes but youre still in a flanking position so you can still sneak attack
VRISKA: I do exactly that!
VRISKA: Oh hell!!!!!!!!
DAVE: see even shes rolling shitty now
VRISKA: Shut up! I'm changing dice........
JOHN: your turn kanaya
KANAYA: Once Again Acrimony Continues To Attack With Her Greataxe
KANAYA: That Is A 30
JOHN: oh yeah, you definitely hit
KANAYA: Twenty Damage
KANAYA: And For My Second Attack I Got 14 Which I Assume Does Not Hit
JOHN: nope. and now its the hydras turn
GAMZEE: Oh BoY hErE wE gO mY fRiEnDs.
JOHN: the hydra makes a five foot step to here so that all its heads are directly facing the three of you in front of it
DAVE: oh fuck
JOHN: and breathes out a huge gout of flame!
KARKAT: IT BREATHES FUCKING FIRE TOO?!
JOHN: brofist acrimony and gamzee's character, roll a reflex save
KARKAT: WAIT AM I OUTSIDE THE AREA OF EFFECT?
JOHN: yeah
KARKAT: HAHA. I KNEW HANGING BACK WAS THE RIGHT IDEA.
GAMZEE: 22
KANAYA: 18
DAVE: fuck
JOHN: whatd you get dave
DAVE: a fucking 6 man just move on to the part where i die horribly
JOHN: kanaya and gamzee succeed on their reflex saves and will take half damage. dave takes full
KARKAT: OKAY THIS CREATURE IS OFFICIALLY SCARIER THAN MOST OF THE STUPID BULLSHIT YOUR CULTURE COMES UP WITH. THIS IS ACTUALLY A HALFWAY RESPECTIBLE MONSTER. IT'S LIKE A DRAGON EXCEPT WITHOUT WINGS, AND MORE BITING. YOU HAVE ACTUALLY EARNED A MINISCULE SLIVER OF MY RESPECT.
DAVE: guys i think karkats having a stroke
KARKAT: CRAM IT DOWN YOUR BULGE STEM YOU DENSE FUCKING IMBECILE. YOUR CHARACTER IN GAME IS LIKE GAMZEE IN REALITY, EXCEPT YOU'RE PROBABLY DEAD. BUT, THAT'S PROBABLY AN IMPROVEMENT SO CONGRATULATIONS ON FUCKING THAT.
JOHN: dave takes 53 fire damage. gamzee and kanaya each take 26
DAVE: fuck
GAMZEE: ShIt
KANAYA: Ouch
KARKAT: OKAY IN THE UNLIKELY EVENT WE SOMEHOW ADD AN ADDITIONAL PLAYER TO THIS DISASTER, WE'RE GETTING ANOTHER FUCKING HEALER.
VRISKA: Agreed. ::::\
JOHN: well gamzee can heal too. he's not as good at it as you are but hes fully capable
KARKAT: SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH. GAMZEE IS NOT, HAS NEVER BEEN, AND NEVER WILL BE, "FULLY CAPABLE" OF ANYTHING.
GAMZEE: HoNk. :o(
KARKAT: IT'S MY FUCKING TURN NOW, RIGHT?
JOHN: yeah
KARKAT: OKAY LET'S PERFORM SOME TRIAGE. FIRST OF ALL, BROFIST, ARE YOU DEAD?
DAVE: huh
DAVE: oh hang on i forgot how many hit points i even have
KARKAT: JEGUS FUCKING CHRIST COME THE FUCK ON.
DAVE: okay im at -8 hit points right now
KARKAT: FUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKK
DAVE: no its fine i dont die until -10
KARKAT: WHAT. WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF SENSE DOES THAT MAKE. WHY NOT JUST 0? HOW CAN YOU HAVE A NEGATIVE AMOUNT OF BEING ALIVE AND STILL BE ALIVE? ARE YOU FUCKING UNDEAD NOW OR SOMETHING?
KANAYA: I Do Not Believe That Is How It Works
DAVE: man i dont know the game was made in like 1970 or something im sure it made sense back then
KARKAT: CURE CRITICAL WOUNDS ON DAVE. 32 HIT POINTS HEALED. KANAYA, HOW'RE YOUR HIT POINTS DOING?
KANAYA: I Have Taken 41 Points Of Damage Total Out Of A Maximum Of 94 Hit Points
KARKAT: GAMZEE?
GAMZEE: iM aLl BuRnEd Up AnD sHiT bRo. :o(
KARKAT: YES YOU IDIOT, I KNOW. SOMEONE WHO CAN DO SIMPLE MATH PLEASE TELL ME HOW DEAD HE IS?
KANAYA: He Has Taken 28 Points Of Damage Total Out Of A Maximum Of 33 Hit Points
JOHN: wait a minute the sorcerer has almost double the bards hit points?
VRISKA: Yeah D8ve has more HP than me too somehow.
JOHN: dave what the fuck?
DAVE: dude would i ever lie about maths
DAVE: the numbers and shit are all sacred to me each and every single one
DAVE: brofist has a high con score
DAVE: he grew up on the streets he had to be tough
KARKAT: OKAY, DAVE GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM THE HYDRA ON YOUR TURN, YOU'RE USELESS ANYWAY. GAMZEE, HEAL YOURSELF ON YOUR TURN AND THEN BACK AWAY TOO. EVERYONE STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM EACH OTHER SO THE HYDRA CANT GET US ALL AT ONCE LIKE THAT AGAIN. I'LL JUST STAY WITHIN HEALING RANGE OF KANAYA AND SHE CAN HOPEFULLY HOLD HER OWN WITH MY SUPPORT.
VRISKA: Any 8attlefield plans for me, oh 8rave tactical leader? ::::\
KARKAT: YEAH. WHEN THE FIGHT'S OVER, SNEAK BEHIND US AND STAB US ALL IN THE BACK SO WE CAN ALL DIE AND STOP PLAYING THIS STUPID GAME.
DAVE: i dunno man the way youre barking orders tells me youre having more fun than you pretend
KARKAT: FUCK YOU FOR SUGGESTING THAT, AND FUCK YOU IN GENERAL FOR ALL THE USUAL REASONS, YOU IDOITIC PIECE OF SHIT.
DAVE: thats the spirit
JOHN: anyway, its daves turn
DAVE: can the hydra bite me from where i am
JOHN: no youre out of its reach although youre still within the area of its breath weapon if/when it uses it next
DAVE: cool so someone move me back some and then ill cast magic missile
KARKAT: HOW THE FUCK CAN THERE EVEN BE MISSILES IN A FANTASY SETTING WITH MAGIC AND FIRE BREATHING MONSTERS?
DAVE: just throwing this out there but maybe because its magic
KARKAT: FUCK YOU.
DAVE: anyway
DAVE: shit i only have one d4 i need like four i think
KANAYA: I Have Some Extra Dice You Can Borrow Some Of Mine
DAVE: cool
DAVE: okay rolling
DAVE: 15
KARKAT: THAT'S THE SAME AMOUNT OF DAMAGE YOU TRIED AND FAILED TO DO LAST TIME.
KANAYA: Yes But This Time It Was Not Fire Damage So It Was More Effective
KARKAT: MORE EFFECTIVE THAN ZERO? IT'S LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE FOR IT TO BE ANYTHING BUT THAT. UNLESS HE HAS A SPELL THAT JUST DOES LITERALLY NEGATIVE DAMAGE. WHICH... I GUESS WOULD JUST BE A HEALING SPELL.
DAVE: man sorcs cant heal what are you crazy
KARKAT: MAYBE IF YOU COULD HEAL YOU'D BE LESS OF A LIABILITY.
VRISKA: Can we move on alr8dy?!
JOHN: yes please. gamzee its your turn.
GAMZEE: i NeEd To ReTrEaT aLl Up OuTtA tHiS lIzArDs GrIlL.
JOHN: the monster will get to make an attack of opportunity against you as you leave its threatened area
GAMZEE: gOt No ChOiCe BrO.
GAMZEE: gOtTa PuT mY fAiTh In ThE mIrAcLe ThAt IlL mAkE iT oUt SaFe.
KARKAT: WAIT HOLD ON I FORGOT IT WOULD KILL YOU IF YOU TRIED TO RUN AWAY. FORGET MY SHITTY PLAN, IT WAS FUCKING TERRIBLE.
GAMZEE: MaN nO. i GoTtA bE aLl HaViNg My PeAcE mAdE wItH tHe WoRlD iF iM gOnNa Be MaKiNg A rIsK lIkE tHiS aLl Up In HeRe.
DAVE: oh shit this is the most dramatic moving of an inch tall plastic dude ive ever seen
JOHN: the hydra snaps at you as you try backing away from it, rolling an 11 which i'm pretty sure misses
GAMZEE: I eMeRgE aLl KiNdS oF fUcKiNg UnScAtHeD.
VRISKA: Nice dum8 luck there, Gamzee.
GAMZEE: i DoNt NeEd To Be SmArT wHeN i GoT a GeNuInE mOtHeRfUcKiNg MiRaClE oN mY sIdE hErE.
KARKAT: JUST HEAL YOURSELF YOU DOUCHEBAG SO WE CAN GET ON WITH THIS.
GAMZEE: cUrInG tHe FuCk OuT oF tHeSe SeRiOuS wOuNdS hErE mOtHeRfUcKeR.
JOHN: vriskas turn
VRISKA: I'm still flanking the 8east, right?
JOHN: yeah as long as kanaya stays where she is
KANAYA: That Is The Plan
VRISKA: Sneak attack again. 27!
JOHN: you hit
VRISKA: HA! Much 8etter roll this time. That's... 29 damage!
JOHN: you must have hit something vital because it jerks once and then goes falls over dead, nearly landing on top of kanaya. the heads twitch several times and then go limp. the hydra is slain.
KARKAT: HOLY FUCK WE WON. HOW DID WE EVEN DO THAT?
DAVE: teamwork and lots of it obviously
VRISKA: Once it stops twitching, I walk over to a head and pry out a tooth as a trophy!
GAMZEE: i TaKe OuT mY lUtE aNd StArT sTrUmMiN.
KANAYA: It Is Not Immediately Urgent But Can You Heal Me Please
KARKAT: YEAH JUST A SEC... CURE SERIOUS WOUNDS FOR 24 HP AND CURE LIGHT WOUNDS FOR ANOTHER 11.
KANAYA: Acrimony Thanks Nookstuffer For The Healing And For Helping Out With The Battle In General
KARKAT: YEAH DON'T MENTION IT. HEY, I HAVE A FUCKING IDEA. LET'S GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS SWAMP BEFORE MORE HORRIBLE MONSTERS SHOW UP? WE HAVE A BANDIT CAMP TO GO GET KILLED IN.
to be continued...