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It was 2 AM and Seungmin couldn't, for the life of him, fall asleep.
One of his most distinctive, made fun of, and admirable traits, he thinks, is his stubbornness. He has many systems in his life that cause him to be the typically calm and collected individual Stay love and his members jest at.
In truth, he used to think of his methodical nature as a weakness— what takes someone with a normal amount of flexibility at most a minute to decide on, Seungmin needs half an hour at the very least. Things can't overlap or he'll freak out, schedules must line up or he'll freak out, but there must also be an adequate amount of margin or he'll freak out. And if there's one thing everyone who has ever even heard Seungmin's name knows, it's that once he freaks out, all hope has been lost.
Strangely enough, he didn't have that immediate, visceral reaction when the news of his ankle broke. Part of it was definitely him underestimating how much that would change things— his usual routine of aimless wandering halting almost hurt more than the actual injury— but also the deep denial inside him. No way things would change, not for Seungmin.
Sure, his roommate jumps around interests biweekly while he's lucky to add a new song to his playlist, and one of his best friends couldn't not be variable to save his life, but those rules didn't affect Seungmin. Sweet, dependable, consistent Seungmin. Seungmin who would always wake up before his alarm because he would always fall asleep at the exact same time, on the dot, every time.
He should have known something was wrong long before they got to the house they'd be staying at, on the bus with their maknae happy as could be.
When their managers told them they'd be in Busan for their hundredth SKZ Code, all the guys were ecstatic. They had been to Jeongin's hometown a couple times for group activities and tagging along on trips home on occasion, but this would be their first time truly experiencing the charming city that raised their precious youngest. The rest of that day was full of teasing and playful jabs mixed with genuine excitement and anticipation, Seungmin being among them.
They were all also aware of how special this piece of content, in particular, was for Jeongin. Collectively, they had all privately agreed to be on their best behavior. No too-invasive jokes from Minho, no aggressive faux flirting from Hyunjin (or all of them, as Seungmin made note to mention remembering the Ppoppoz Incident of 2025), and no personal shit from anybody. It was Jeongin's time, not theirs.
Which made Seungmin's mood all the more strange. Mostly for him, as no one else was paying such excruciatingly close attention to him other than Jeongin himself.
He could feel the younger's eyes on his the entire day, a day that was meant to be his, not about Seungmin. Today was when the eight of them could ignore the glaring predicament of Seungmin's mobility and instead ooh and ah as they pleased, supporting their maknae all the way. His skin burned every time he caught the younger in his peripheral, staring with the usual light love that filled in his eyes darkened with something he knew was best to not look at directly.
Yes, it hurt to walk most of the day. Yes, he had to sit down for five minutes after filming TikToks with the guys. Yes, he stayed closer to the back not by choice. All of that was true, but it also wasn't about him. He felt guilt seep out of his heart any time he had to tell Chan to wait up or for the group to slow down. Whenever he would start feeling normal, or close to it, again, he'd always begin to strain himself and cause the whole cycle once more.
All of that was true. But what was even more so was Jeongin. It was his day— they were in his hometown, breathing the same air he had more than a decade ago when he was still just a boy with a dream. They were practically walking through history. It wasn't about Seungmin ever and never was.
That feeling of guilt sat with him silently through the whole trip, even when the calming views of the ocean met them halfway. Worse yet, through it all, he could feel a certain pair of foxy, onyx eyes honed in on him like an examiner to their cadaver.
Don't get him wrong, the night was amazing. Dinner was perfect, no less thanks to Jeongin, and despite his physical limitations, the zombie game was quite fun (he has to give credit where it's due, their managers know how to let them have fun). Even after the cameras went down, there was still laughter to be had, whether it be the losing team's insane sleepwear or just the simple joy in their heart. Today wasn't about Seungmin. Today was good.
Slowly, the lights went out. Hyunjin passed out nearly immediately, much to Chan's delight given how many photos he was taking of the sleepy dancer. Eventually, even the insomniac told them all to go to bed early— and what Chan says always goes.
He knew it wasn't going to be as simple as simply shutting his eyes, but he didn't anticipate the sheer amount of effort he would put in. A bit of reading usually did the trick, and he even scrolled for an hour to try to feel something. C'mon, not even a single yawn?
But there was a certain feeling, bouncing around in his chest, that just wouldn't let him go. It didn't help that he could periodically feel his ankle throbbing with a silent pain that hasn't left him in months, causing him to twist and turn closer and closer to Jeongin. He spent a while just looking at him, lashes lightly fluttering over soft cheeks and an expression so peaceful it momentarily brought him calmness. Almost as though his serenity was mocking him; the creature within him clawed at the edges of his heart once more.
He thought back to when they were fresh debuts, full of hope and fire. Nights were especially tiring then, and it wasn't uncommon for them to end up flopping on the closest bed. For Seungmin, that tended to usually be Jeongin's.
Despite being older, Seungmin liked being cared for by Jeongin. He appreciated the help of all his members. truly, but Jeongin's was so pure. There was no obligation, no pressure of dynamics, no possible societal excuse his brain could conjure up. Teasing and taking care of each other was just their thing; Jeongin was the only person who could call Seungmin an ugly potato and one of the most talented people he's ever met in the same breath.
As if on cue, he heard Jeongin's eyes squinted open, staring at Seungmin with a groggy sort of importance one could only experience in the early hours of the morning.
"Go to bed hyung," he grumbled, his voice crackling at the edges. "I can hear you thinking."
"Why'd you wake up? Don't fret about me." Seungmin wanted Jeongin off his back as far as possible, for both their sakes, yet he couldn't help the tension in his shoulders melting away the second Jeongin's attention was on helping him.
"My Seungmin senses were going off," he deadpanned. "Wee woo, hyung is incapable of performing basic human functions again."
Seungmin snorted— he'd be lying to himself if he thought that Jeongin's insults weren't funny. The humor comforted him in its own lighthearted way; there would always be hope if Jeongin had room to tease.
"Still, I shouldn't keep you. Go back to bed, Innie."
"What if you do? What's the worst that could happen?" He cutely tilted his head, the spitting image of a mischievous fox. In any other scenario, Seungmin would be squealing and biting his cheeks. Out of love, of course.
"Channie-hyung could wake up and kick our asses."
"Nah, he needs this sleep more than anything. Besides, tonight's my night." Jeongin held a certain pride in his smile, bright and wide in a way that bordered on cocky yet still managed to be endearing. He had every right to feel the way he did, to reap the fruits of his teenaged version's labour. It was a cruel reminder of the guilt that still swam around in Seungmin's stomach. This was about Jeongin, not him. It was never about Seungmin and he shouldn't start making it out him now.
Jeongin paused, his face softening into a delicate feeling between pity and grace. "But, it doesn't have to just be my night. That'd be boring, you know?"
Seungmin stared at him, truly took in Jeongin for a long, long time. Here was the Stray Kids' maknae, giving up even his own special moment just to give Seungmin a bit of a peace again. It saddened him thinking about how much he had to give up just to be with them, where many more challenges would always await them as some of the most beloved and scrutinized idols in the industry. Jeongin had no reason to give that up, to forfeit the one moment in his career where both his past and his future could meet together and celebrate simply how far he's come. Seungmin didn't have it in him to steal that from him.
And yet, he couldn't refuse the kindness in his eyes. Seungmin didn't know how he would live without the constant comfort of the younger's words, the reassurance that he would always be there when he needed it. Likewise for Jeongin; they have been each other's rocks day one. Jeongin simply rolled in like a gift, a golden opportunity only an idiot could refuse.
"Can we do this… outside? I think some air will do me some good," he whispered, the swirling vortex of Jeongin's gaze shining through the near pitch black darkness.
"You know I'll take any reason to see the beach."
It was easier than he had thought to sneak out, given that everyone was exhausted from the event-filled day. Guilt twisted in his stomach again thinking about how he, too, should be tired for the same reasons as them, that the soreness in his muscles should come from raucous laughter and evading the torment of zombie Changbin.
The second the salty Busan air hit their senses, he heard Jeongin take in a big inhale and giggle. Seungmin thinks he could hear such a giddy sound for hours on end and still feel the same lurch in his stomach. Their maknae loved to smile, always brightening up whatever room he stepped into, but there was something different about that quiet joy that felt as natural as breathing.
"Yah, the Busan sea, my old friend." He turned to face the older, eyes crescent moons shining with light. "Isn't she beautiful, Min?"
Seungmin hummed, content to watch Jeongin play with the sand and spin like he hadn't a care in the world. His hair was messy and disheveled, his face was still a bit soft from hours of slumber, yet this was the brightest and clearest Seungmin has ever seen Jeongin. A Jeongin that made his stomach flip and heart sore. A Jeongin that was only known by the Busan waves and him.
"Do you think Manager-nim will notice if I get in the water?"
"Definitely— Minho's the bitchiest snitch I've ever met. He'd clock you in a second."
"That's only true because you're not counting yourself. We know full well if it wasn't him, it'd be you," he chuckled, sitting on an abandoned towel right by the water. There was something comforting in the sight, a view Seungmin could get sued to gazing at for the rest of his life. The sharp angles, the bulging muscles, the soft, distant look into the unknown— the monster within him knew best to retreat.
After a long while of simply staring at the waves, rushing out and back in with the same fierce yet precise energy in a hypnotizing sight, Jeongin spoke.
"If it's about your foot, don't worry about it."
Was he really that easy to read? To be fair, there weren't that many other things that could be bothering Seungmin at the moment, but he thought that he had done a decent job at hiding his discomfort throughout the day. Because this version of Seungmin was fine. This version didn't mind the constant silent pitying and sitting out. This version of Seungmin understood that he was being a burden on everyone around him. This version of Seungmin was silent and fine—
"Hyung?"
"Hm? Yeah, yeah, what'd you say Innie?"
"I was right." He sighed, an indiscernible mix of disappointment and sorrow. "You know we don't think anything of it, right Min? You're just as indispensable as you've always been."
Fundamentally, he knew that basic truth. There was no Stray Kids without the eight of them. Even during Hyunjin's hiatus, every piece of content and performance was working towards the future of him being back with them again. They've had worse injuries amongst them too— the day of Felix's diagnosis was one of the hardest for him, his entire career's track having to change to accommodate for a body he didn't have full control over.
It's not that Seungmin didn't trust them; rather, it might be because he did. He wasn't deserving of their patience, care, or constant reassurances that things would get better soon and he'd be back in action. He could barely open up Bubble anymore, nearly tearing up once at the thought of millions of Stays cheering for him and keeping him in their prayers only for practically no progress to be made.
Every step forward felt like two steps backward. Even if healing slowly was what everyone around him had recommended, he'd had enough. Why was it okay for Seungmin to stick to the sidelines for a bit yet for him to still remain an irreplaceable part of the group? If he's so essential, then shouldn't something be working in his favor? And why, why did it always feel like his despair hid itself best, that the true extent of his guilt was hidden from the world not by choice but by nature?
All he wanted was to be noticed. Not for the physical pain or mild annoyances, but for how much this was weighing on him.
"Maybe I want you to be bothered by it," he mumbled, a terrible feeling sinking in even just uttering the words out loud. "Maybe it's more than just the foot."
"Min…"
"I'm tired of this feeling eating me up inside. I hate that i-it's there and no one seems to notice. Am I really that fucked up to be the only one having this guilt?"
His voice broke, emotion taking over and leaking through every inch of him. With every word, he walked closer and closer to the sea, its cool waters of no comfort to him.
"What— what's wrong with me?"
The warmth of a hand on his shoulder jolted him out of his dazed state. He slumped into it, accepting defeat. There was no fight left in him regarding the pain that's been tainting him for months.
"There's nothing wrong with you, Min. Wanting your emotions to be acknowledged is okay." Water splashed around their feet as Jeongin waded his way to face Seungmin, eyes just as kind and contemplative as they've always been.
"Hyung, do you remember back when you and the hyungs got Covid and we couldn't see each other for weeks?"
Seungmin nodded. How could he forget the chaos of those Zoom calls and constant tests. Jeongin and Felix were the lucky two, having not contracted the virus and being forced into quarantine. He remembered envying the blonde, wishing to be stuck with Jeongin for days and days on end. They'd drive each other mad, but he that was exactly what he needed to break his spell of boredom.
"I… I actually wished I had gotten sick too, during it." he chuckled, certainly remembering a certain memory. A small gasp escaped Seungmin's lips, encouraging him to continue.
"I couldn't tell anyone about it, obviously. I mean, logically it's the stupidest thing ever— and so I also felt like absolute shit about it. But I… I guess I just missed you."
Seungmin blinked at him. You? Had he accidentally caused Jeongin's heart to twist and turn because he missed him that badly? He bit his cheek to see if he was dreaming and oh God Yang Jeongin had fucking missed him for being sick.
One must understand, he couldn't hold in his giddy laughter. Not when the cutest tsundere on the planet missed him because they couldn't be sick together.
"Hyung! I— it wasn't just you!" Jeongin pouted, only fueling the fire further. "Just mostly you…"
"Ohhh Innie," he smirked, grabbing his arms and squeezing his muscles. "You thought you could trick us into thinking you grew up? Still such a baby."
"D-Do you want me to finish my story or not?" he grumbled, blush overtaking his face. Seungmin relented, though he refused to let go of Jeongin's arms.
What? His muscles were practically as big as Changbin's, and their owner was much less likely to try killing him. The perfect stress ball.
"Anyway, yeah. Felix knew I missed the guys— and you— b-but it wasn't just 'cause you were gone. During that time, you know how our managers were, and especially how I was. I would work, work, and work and wonder why you weren't right there with me. And that, if I was sick too, I'd have a reason to excuse my exhaustion. Not because I was like, a human with a limit, but because I physically wasn't allowed to anymore."
"Jeongin—"
"Hey, you don't get to berate me." The younger pressed his finger over Seungmin's to silence him, the motion strangely soft and gentle despite its intention. "It was bad, I know, but that also made me feel guilty. Like I felt shit for feeling shit. Y'know, it's cyclical."
Exactly. Fucking exactly— and Jeongin had understood this whole time. Silently, with full heart, he had known.
All those soft looks and holds finally made sense. Why his eye was always on him during a day that was meant to be about him, not Seungmin, why he had taken the time to wake up at 2 AM to help his hyung through his personal problems, why he was always the perfect person to fix Seungmin.
No one understood him like Jeongin. Not because they didn't try, but because there was no one else who could go through the same things as Seungmin and emerge with enough empathy and compassion in his heart to still care.
"So I know it's the foot, but it's also not just the foot. If I'm understanding correctly."
Seungmin laid his forehead on Jeongin's shoulder, feeling strong arms holding his waist and squeezing him tight. Their breathes intermingled, rising and falling at the same pace.
It was a bit strange, standing in the sea as the Sun began readying itself for its return. His feet were cold, quite frankly all of him was, but he didn't care. Right now, it was just him and Jeongin, as it was always meant to be.
"Do you think they'd notice if we got breakfast right now?" Seungmin murmured, his voice muffled by Jeongin's shoulder.
"There's probably a couple stalls open, but it'd be a bit of a wa— hey, why am I considering this?"
"Well, would they?"
Jeongin hummed, swaying the two in the chill sea water. Foam began to bubble up from all the splashing, a ring swirling around them just like the shine in Jeongin's eyes. Seungmin found it a beautiful miracle how his eyes could be so slim yet contain just endearing multitudes. He could stare at them for hours, if given the opportunity.
"Probably not, if we go fast." He let go, Seungmin momentarily, only to shock him and lift him in a bridal cary, limbs flailing around in confusion.
"Jeongin-ah! What the fuc— what're you doing?"
Despite holding the weight of an entire adult male in his arms, Jeongin ran through the water and sand with ease, his laughter breathless and free.
"Going fast! Hold tight, hyung!"
"I kind of have t— Yang Jeongin!"
Ironically, Seungmin thinks that they actually arrived to the stairwell slower, thanks to Jeongin's shenanigans. He eventually puts him down, though not after a sufficient amount of twists and turns. It's only when he starts dancing to Run It and Seungmin genuinely thinks he might throw up is when he stops; Minho would be proud.
"Iyen-ah, we're gonna look fucking crazy in pajamas." Seungmin held his head in his hands. "We really didn't think this through, did we?"
"Hyung, this city has seen me eat its sand and nearly sleepwalk out of my house to get ice cream at, well, a pretty similar hour to now, actually," he reassured. Though, as he began listing his escapades, Seungmin felt less trust in the local to get him out of this adventure alive. "We'll be okay."
They sneaked back upstairs again grabbing two jackets from Jeongin's open suitcase. They snapped a couple pictures of Chan and held in the urge to giggle at their hyung. There was the very real threat of the two of them being exhausted by morning, with their sleep schedules even more screwed up, but that didn't really matter right now.
In a way, it felt like old times again. The early mornings where Jeongin would order his same McDonald's order and they'd watch the new episode of whatever show they were fixating on at the time. Sneaking out back when all eight of them lived together against the wishes of their managers to explore Seoul like proper youths.
Walking through Busan in the early hours of the morning should feel scary, but even after all this time Jeongin still knew the city like the back of his hand. The street lights flickered as they set off, illuminating their path clearly yet poorly.
"Don't worry, hyung," Jeongin reassured, taking Seungmin's hand in his without a word. "I'll keep you safe."
They walked slow, but comfortably, He knew Jeongin had held his hand to maintain pace between the two of them, ever the compassionate soul, yet that alone couldn't explain the blush dusted across his cheeks. Seungmin thinks he looks cute like that, though it still doesn't explain why he can feel that same flushed heat on his.
Their route was sketchy at best, yet there wasn't a moment where Seungmin felt unsafe. The alleys of Busan were cramped but well trotted in, a home for the mischievous and curious.
Surprisingly, there were a couple stalls and shops open. Jeongin navigated through the tight exits swiftly before finally arriving at a small tteokbokki shop. When he says small, he means it— the establishment took the phrase "hole in the wall" practically literally.
"Stay here, hyung. I got this." Jeongin winked cheesily, to which both of them snorted and Seungmin gave him a well-deserving punch. He feigned hurt, hilarious considering Jeongin possessed the ability to snap Seungmin in half and then some.
(Why he was thinking about that is… irrelevant.)
After five minutes, Jeongin returned with two large cups filled to the brim, the scent tantalizing especially at this hour. He warned him that they were still hot but Seungmin's suddenly ravenous stomach didn't care.
Occasionally, he would feel the gentle poke of Jeongin's chopsticks hit his lips, his mouth automatically opening to taste that spicy, delicious heat. Somehow, at the edge of his pallet, there was a sweetness tickling his tongue.
The walk back was full of laughter and silence in equal parts. There was something special about the two of them doing this in Jeongin's hometown in a way that didn't hit the same when they used to sneak out or eat late in Seoul.
The capital was his home, technically, but it hadn't raised him the way Busan had. No other city could've given Jeongin his quick wit, his snark, his generosity, and his subtly salty scent the way Busan had.
Unsurprisingly, the ache that pervaded Seungmin slowly faded into the background. What replaced it instead was a warm, full feeling. Something he only knew with the younger.
"D'you feel better now, Min?" Jeongin asked, folding the jackets back like nothing had ever happened. The whole ordeal occurred in barely two hours, so there was no chance of any of their members noticing. Minho only woke up at the crack of dawn, which while still clinically insane, gave them a bit of margin. "I hope Busan still treated you well."
"Of course she did," he whispered slipping back into the sheets. Somehow, Chan hadn't noticed and was still in the same position as they had left him. "Helped that I had the perfect guide."
Jeongin giggled, inching in closer than he had before. Their heads rested on the same pillow, legs bumping and ultimately intertwining as the younger exhaled.
"Mhm, that's good."
"Tired?"
"Of you? Don't know how I'm not yet."
Seungmin kicked his shin, to which Jeongin kicked his back and they had the most painfully quiet play fight in their history. Jeongin's smirk was infectious, and even thought Seungmin knew he could never win, he would never go down without a fight.
Eventually, one of them had let a sound escape their lips and they nearly immediately released the tension they were holding between each other. This left Jeongin looming over Seungmin, arms caging him in as the younger bored into his eyes, at first with a shocked look but then some darker sheen overtaking it.
"We should go to bed."
"Could've told you that hours ago."
"You're lucky I can't fight with you how I want to right now." He whispered those words close to Seungmin's ear, this skin flushing with heat and giddiness.
Funny thing is, Jeongin didn't go back to how he was either. He just flopped onto Seungmin and cradled his face in his neck, breathing deeply as sleep overtook in. Naturally, Seungmin let him stay there, carding his hand slowly through his hair. Seungmin was guilty multiple times of almost purring when that was done to him, and while he doesn't want to embarrass Jeongin now, he wants to give him that same sense of safety.
That's what both of them always have wanted for each other, truly. Since the first day in the JYPE building when Seungmin heard the new trainee sing his heart out and felt his own threaten to jump out of his chest, both of them have meant safety. Throughout the years, that belief has always rung true, so there was no reason that it wouldn't here, and even stronger than before.
"Good night, hyungie."
He just had to remember that, hold onto the trust he's built throughout the years, and things would be okay. Jeongin has always stood by him and always will; that was a fact both so dear to him and easily forgettable.
The only thing he had to do, turns out, was be vulnerable enough to let him.
"Good night, my Busan-ui adeul."