Chapter Text
They were falling too fast.
She sat strapped to her uncomfortable sit with clenched fists and Wells next to her. He was just as quiet as Clarke while the rest of the delinquents were screaming. She couldn’t tell if it was in fear or excitement. The one thing she knew was… there were going to crush. They would die. The wristband was biting into the flesh on her wrist, the dull pain keeping her from panicking. Wells shouted that she needed to hear something, that they couldn’t die if she didn’t know. She didn’t want to listen though. She focused on the ground that was coming closer and closer then there was a deafening crush and the darkness.
Clarke sat up suddenly, breathing hard, her hand clutching at her heaving chest as she tried to calm her racing heart. It was only a nightmare and once she got rid of the terror she remembered where she was. The ground. The reality turned out to be just as bad as her dream.
She deserved it though. Most of the kids who got sent down here were in a lockdown for things like smoking weed or stealing. Then there were some of them sentenced for raping and killing. Clarke belonged to the second category but unlike the rest of the delinquents she spent the last year in solitary because she didn’t just kill someone. She also had a few secrets that couldn’t have been released under any circumstances.
They were sent down here in the first place because of the fault that would kill all of them in space. The Ark would ran out of air soon so the delinquents were supposed to find out if the ground was survivable.
It was good to live but it wasn’t easy.
It’s been two weeks now. Seven of them were dead and Finn was with Raven recovering from an almost fatal wound from the Grounder. They Grounder himself, Lincoln, that’s how Octavia called him, escaped. Most likely with little Blake’s help and there was no contact with the Ark despite their tries. It was a nightmare on its own.
Not to mention what she did few days ago. What she and Bellamy did.
She’d like to say that they are humans with moral compass and empathy but despite that she watched Bellamy whip and beat the Grounder and she allowed it. Every crack caused some pain inside her but she welcomed it, thinking that maybe it meant that she wasn’t a complete monster. Not yet.
Bellamy kept hitting the Grounder over and over and Clarke knelt at his feet to beg for an antidote to save Finn but it didn’t work. Nothing worked. Not when he was bleeding. Not when Bellamy put the giant nail through his hand and Clarke felt like she was going to be sick but couldn’t look away. She wanted to but she forced herself to watch the blood sip from the pierced hand. She allowed it so she couldn’t look away. Her head was spinning and that voice inside her head kept nagging her, what kind of person she was to be okay with this.
In the end it was Octavia who cut herself with a poisoned knife and finally he showed them the antidote. The second he did Clarke looked up at Bellamy to find his eyes boring into hers. What they did, it was not enough and yet it was crossing every line they knew, it would stay with them. She couldn’t think about it then though, she needed to run to save Finn.
She wasn’t just a destruction. She could do some good, heal.
Finn was okay after all and the Grounder escaped.
Raven tried to get in touch with the Ark but failed. She was still trying but it would take time and no one really could do anything to help. They got back to normal tasks, everyone pulling their weight in their made-up society and still glaring at Clarke simply because she grew up in a better place that they did. Bellamy’s acknowledgment of her helped, she wasn’t stupid but now it wasn’t just him noticing her as part of the society, it was deeper.
By the end of the week she had enough of the glares and whispers and of people getting hurt in the stupidest ways possible so when there was a chance for her to sneak out, she took it.
The walk to the river has been the most peaceful she felt in a while. The vibrant green of trees around her, the smell of woods which she still enjoyed after lifetime among metal walls. She let everything soak in, the slight wind among the trees giving her chills, the smells and subtle noises of wildlife. She got to the river way too fast, the breeze from the water putting a smile on her face. She got into the water, slowly, gasping at the cold and searched for the seawood, not wanting to get back empty-handed.
“Why the fuck are you here alone?”
There went her calm. Clarke took a deep breath and straightened her back. She turned her head to see Bellamy Blake himself standing at the edge of the river and glaring at her. He looked awful if she said so herself, his posture was tense and although he was angry he also seemed to be exhausted just like she was. It didn’t mean that he still wasn’t attractive but the effect was kind of lost when he looked ready to either snap or collapse.
She gave him her most unimpressed look and opened her mouth but he interrupted her:
“Don’t give me shit about needing supplies, that doesn’t explain why no is here with you” low timbre of his voice was almost vibrating with irritation like he was talking to a very stubborn child.
She could give him some bullshit, he wouldn’t believe it but would yell something and drag her back to camp. Then again, why would she lie.
“I wanted to be alone, I told Raven where I was going. Obviously it’s too much to ask for” she bend down to continue gathering supplies cursing Bellamy for coming here.
“You’re outside of the camp and with a Grounder on the loose, it’s just stupid. You’re immunity doesn’t work here, Princess, you can still die” he sounded less pissed off now and Clarke looked at him again.
His hands were at his sides and the lines of anger disappeared from his face. His eyes still were alert and he kept himself straight but he was done fighting.
“Go back to camp, Bellamy or sit down and wait. I’ll be done soon” She saw him giving her a smirk.
“Or I can drag you back to camp right now”
Clarke rolled her eyes and said:
“Yes, I bet you can’t wait to get back to being called every five seconds.” She walked closer to him, splashing some water in his direction with every step until she was right in front of him:
“Let’s go then, drag me back, I bet there are kids waiting for you to solve every goddamn conflict there is, your favourite past-time.”
Bellamy looked at her with a clenched jaw staring into her eyes as if to dare her to say something else but she just waited. In a way they shared that burden of protecting these kids, of responsibility that they wanted to be relieved of just for a second. Even though they didn’t think they deserved it.
“It’s not about what we want, Princess” he said calmly never breaking eye contact.
Bellamy was looking down at her and she kept her chin up, not backing down.
“No, it’s not. But it’s only an hour or two. Then you can come back to ordering the others around and I can heal scrapes.” She turned away, sending more water around them and probably making him wet. She tried to get back to her task but was stopped by the hand on her forearm, long fingers gripping her flesh, not tightly enough to hurt but enough to stop her. She looked at his hand, dark against her pale arm and then up at his face that looked maybe not defeated but calmer.
“An hour?” She nodded and tugged her hand lightly so he released it.
He exhaled loudly and she got back to gather seaweed. In the corner of her eye she noticed Bellamy sitting down on the shore and some tension leaving his shoulders and she smiled to herself. A moment.
Clarke finished faster than she’d like but she was pretty sure she had some of that hour left. Slowly, she walked towards Bellamy. What she didn’t want to admit was that even when he was here, she still could relax. He didn’t impose his presence on her, didn’t talk unnecessarily, just sat there and appreciated the break.
She sat down at some distance from him and leaned back, breathing in. the sky was getting darker the clouds gathering and she realize it was going to rain soon.
“We need to get back” the rough voice next to her said and she shook her head slightly.
“It hasn’t been an hour yet” she protested.
She wished it would shut him up but she was out of luck for today.
“I didn’t expect you to just let us beat that Grounder” it was low and hesitant and not formed like a question. She still answered:
“Finn’s life was at stake.”
“I tortured another human being” she really didn’t want to but this conversation could not continue with her looking at the clouds so she reluctantly turned to face him only to find him way closer than before. He was staring at her with that intensity that seemed to be there constantly after torturing the Grounder.
“You said so yourself, who we are and who need to be to survive are very different things” she said in a hoarse voice. He kept all of his focus on her and it was unnerving.
“That was after. I thought Miller would have to wrestle you out of the floor. You stayed. You didn’t even turned your head away.” It wasn’t exactly admiration in his voice but wonder and maybe respect but she could have imagined that.
“We were doing this, I wasn’t stopping you, looking away would be wrong”
“What we were doing was wrong” his voice was calm and his eyes seemed to search for something in her face. “You allowed it” there was a tiny wrinkle between his eyebrows betraying his confusion.
“You wouldn’t have stopped if I didn’t”
“Not the point, Clarke”
Clarke. He didn’t call her by her name, not often, not unless it was serious.
“It was a choice between two bad things. Finn was dying so something had to be done” she said.
“Necessary evil? We were monsters because Earth demanded it of us?” he mused.
“Something like that. I’m not saying it was right Bellamy, I’m saying we chose something that we thought was a better option.”
The wind was getting more violent and she was tempted to move closer to him, tempted by warmth radiating from his body but her pride kept her from moving. Heavy silence between them lasted for a while until she felt cold droplets of rain on her skin. As nice as it was nice to stay here, she knew that they couldn’t so when he said that they should go back, she didn’t protest.
They walked for a few minutes, focusing on getting back before they’re soaked, before he broke the silence again. This time when he did, her stomach twisted painfully:
“Why were you locked down? I know that you were in solitary for a year and I know that Wells went down because of you. But no one knows what you did exactly”
His tone was quite light but she could feel his eyes on her even though she refused to acknowledge it. Instead she kept staring forward.
“Why, do you know what everyone here did to get locked down and I’m the only one missing?”
“Yes. I needed to know who I’m dealing with so I asked around. You’re the only one left”
Her heart was pounding and she tried to control her breathing trying not to hyperventilate at the mere thought about what she did.
“Clarke?” he sounded almost concerned but she still refused to look at him
“It better stay that way” her voice broke down at the end of that, her throat was burning, she couldn’t think about it, not now, not with Bellamy watching her like a hawk.
Her hair was sticking to her face, Bellamy sped up so he was right next to her. It was obvious by her reaction that it was something terrible in her past and she wished the rain was heavier so he couldn’t see her expression. She wished he hadn’t come after her at all and hadn’t ask that goddamn question.
“Clarke, whatever it is, it can’t be that bad. There are kids here that murdered people, calm down, it’s just you and me” he said hurriedly.
“Are we friends now or something?” she spat out, trying to fight the guilt that was making her choke on her own breath. In theory, she shouldn’t have reacted like that. She killed Atom, it was a mercy kill, it wasn’t haunting her in the night.
“No.” he said mildly and stopped. She was tempted to keep walking but was more than sure that he would just yank her back. So she turned around and looked up at him. The rain was obscuring her vision growing heavier and heavier by the second and she wondered if the kids at camp were okay. He brought her back to the matter at hand:
“We are keeping these people alive, it's more important than being ‘friends’.”
Clarke stood there, watching the man that she wasn’t sure if she liked or not. There was a part that she never realized, she trusted him with all of their lives. That was something. She swallowed hard and started talking:
“Two years ago I walked into my parent’s laboratory to find a girl laying on a table, murmuring nonsense. I thought she was sick, I mean, my mom was a doctor, she healed people so I came closer and found her with an IV with some medicine and her murmuring just how in pain she was. I told her that I would get my mom and she would help her but she gripped my arm and told me that no one can help her. I went to my mother anyway and she told me that I couldn’t talk to anyone about what I saw. I was curious though. Who was that girl. Why was she a secret. So I started coming to her and she told me. She was being experimented on, to find a cure for some new mutated disease, apparently she wasn’t the first one. She was taken from Factory Station, she had no family, both floated for stealing meds, she had a boyfriend that she missed…” all this time she wasn’t looking at him but somewhere above his shoulder so she completely missed the expression on his face until he cut in:
“When did the experiments on that girl started?” her eyes snapped at him and he was pale, the disbelief and rage flickering in his features. Clarke couldn’t understand why would it trigger such a reaction in him. The wind grew heavier and she feared that there might be a storm soon. They needed to get back to the camp.
“I’m not sure. A year ago, maybe a little earlier” she said trying to keep memories at bay, especially the ones of Gina’s relieved eyes when Clarke was injecting poison into her system. She was so focused on the weather around and the destruction it was inflicting to the lower trees around them that she completely missed Bellamy’s reaction. Before she realized, she was pinned against the tree with his hand around her neck cutting off her air supply.
“Bellamy? What are you…” his hand squeezed her neck tighter and her eyes widened at the man in front of her. She was clawing at his hands with her nails, drawing blood and trying to inhale some air but it was impossible, the burning in her chest was growing but he didn’t move an inch. His face was full of rage.
“You knew?! You knew about Gina and you did fucking nothing?!” he roared. The rain was so heavy it soaked them both to the bone but he didn’t seem to care about anything. Clarke managed to croak out:
“Gina? You knew her?” he released his hold on her neck just a little and she gasped in as much air as possible thinking that maybe he collected his thoughts. Next thing she knew was that her head was slammed into the tree hard enough for her to see black for a moment. The dull pain radiated from the back of her head but she tried to ignore it and focus on Bellamy.
“I loved her. And you fucking let her be experimented on like an animal!” He started choking her again and she coughed violently, his blood was getting under her nails and dripping down her fingers but he just kept yelling:
“You could let her escape! Hide! Anything! You are the worst of us”
His hand was squeezing tighter and tighter and she felt light-headed. The bark behind her was rough and unforgiving and her lungs seemed to scream for air. For a second she wondered if she should just die here. She certainly deserved it. That thought took only half a second though.
She moved her hand and went for his eyes, pressing her bloody fingers into his eyeballs, careful not to use her nails. He gasped in pain and took a step back, releasing her neck and she gulped in air, coughing and putting a big distance between them.
They looked at each other breathing heavily, him still with that anger and bloodshot eyes as well as blood all around them and she probably with purple bruises all over her neck.
She wasn’t finished.
“I did something. I wasn’t locked up for just knowing her. After she begged me for months, I killed her. So you’re right I am the worst of us” her voice was hoarse and breaking but she couldn’t help it. “But you also need me to survive here.”
Bellamy wanted to kill her.
Clarke understood him enough to know that she got through to him in a way. They needed her medical knowledge. Octavia might need a doctor one day. She was necessary for the camp survival so he wouldn’t harm her. It was a ridiculous notion of course considering the bruises she had but at least she was alive.