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We can never go home / We no longer have one / I'll help you carry the load / I'll carry you in my arms
I'd been with my caves of humans for a while now; they were my family by no right other than I'd earned it. They didn't let me help as much nowadays because of the tiny body of my host, Pet. My body was eighteen to everyone and just about seventeen to me. I'd been these ages for over a month now. But my age didn't stop them treating me as if I were younger than Jamie. That was why I left the safe haven of the caves. It was tedious being the baby and I wanted to prove that I could do it.
I think that was why Ian agreed to the journey. He'd noticed me getting more frustrated at my tiny hands unable to grip anything substantial. My height making it impossible to climb like the others. He came with me because he didn't want me hurt, but I could tell it was for his peace of mind as well; he didn't seem to like seeing me pissed with our world.
Ian himself was lovely, magnificent, brilliant, amazing; there are endless list of words to try and describe him; some of them from planet's whose language I don't remember but would illustrate him perfectly. He helped me when I needed it and tried his best to step back when I obviously didn't. He loved me and I him.
Except when it's dark and cold and we're in the middle of the desert it's a little annoying when he insists on carrying me. I'm not the least bit tired but my body is. I've yet to come to terms with Pet and her inability to trek the distances that Mel could. Ian carries our spoils from the raid when the car's engine freezes. It means we're walking back home. Or he is whilst I grudgingly lounge in his arms. Not that I object to being in his arms - he's strong enough to carry me for a little while - but even he can't take the boxes and me all the way back to the caves.
"Tired, yet?" I smile, hoping to coax him into letting me walk.
"Never, you're as light as anything."
The kiss of the snow / The crescent moon above us / Our blood is cold / And we're alone / But I'm alone with you
Ian finally listens to me and I'm glad for it; he's stupid for thinking he can carry all that weight. I want him to live as long as I do in my young body and that's not going to happen if he continues to tire himself out like that. I asked him why he refused to put me down and he replies that he wasn't tired, even though I can see he's glad for the use of his arms again. That was the last time one of us talked. It's silent now, which terrifies me; anything could be hiding behind the few rocks we pass. I speak.
"Ian?"
"Hm?" He replies absentmindedly.
"What're you thinking about?"
"Why I agreed to go on this raid when I knew the cars had broken down."
I prod his arm, jostling the three boxes. He's left some other in the car because we can't carry all of them. "You knew?"
He nods and grins cheekily so I take one of the boxes he is carrying. I'd wanted to help from the start but now I carry something to annoy him.
"Why didn't you tell me?" My words are whispered in the darkness, the silence more comfortable now because of the weight in my arms. The moon above illuminates his face as he answers me in a hushed tone mirroring my own.
"You wanted to go on a raid," he shrugs and I huff. I don't like being a burden to anyone. He knows how I feel.
"You should've told me not to come," I try to say it convincingly, but the idea sounds wrong to my ears. As much as he tries, I don't let instances where I end up being carried happen often.
And he laughs in the night at my preposterous idea, the noise loud and happy. It makes me think of being human, I laugh along with him and in the night with only the moon as a source of light, I feel human too.
If I say shut your eyes / If I say look away / Bury your face in my shoulder / Think of a birthday
Wolves scared me in Melanie's body and now they terrify me in Pet's. We can learn, but it's unlikely either she or I will ever be able to fight them off. Then again, Ian can't either. I wouldn't let him try. The idea of him trying to tackle a wolf is humorous and horrifying all at the same time. Humorous because he'd be laughing all the while which would make me laugh. Horrifying because there was the chance he'd be injured. He'd be able to hold them off, I'm sure of it. But right now - with neither of us carrying weapons - I won't let him try. He was strong and yet his skin wasn't made of steel. If he got himself hurt I'd not forgive myself.
The wolves we saw weren't even wary of us but their prey and its stench make me retch. The decomposing smell of the poor beings that had to endure pain at the wild canines is something to rival Ian's feet before he washes. Despite my disgust, I smile.
I make the mistake of looking a little closer at the rotten meat and see feathers. I don't know what bird they come from but water pricks at my eyes.
"Oh, Wanda, what's wrong?"
I sniff slightly, "The birds were free before the wolves attacked them. They thought they were safe being high in the air until they came down for food." The comparisons between the wolves and birds' situation and the souls and the humans' don't escape me. But being a soul through and through, I cry at the loss of a life.
"Darling come here," Ian tucks my head under his arms so I can't see the offending sight and whispers in my ear to think about happier memories. I am left with thought of my birthday. The buns that were made that morning were soft and then doused in sugar. People said they were sorry for the lack of presents but them accepting me was all I needed. I didn't think I was the material type.
Soon enough, Ian and I are far from the bird corpses and I smile at him widely. The sudden change in mood confuses him.
"What now?"
"Thank you." He shakes his head, but I think he already knows I'm happier now.
The things you put in your head / They will stay here forever / Our blood is cold / And we're alone, love / But I'm alone with you
It seems to forever be night out here in our little desert world. Though I know that this isn't true because there was light a few hours ago. It takes two days to walk to our home from where we left the cars but it's much safer to only travel at night. So when the sun rose earlier, Ian made us sleep.
He took us both to a rock double the size of me and him put together. He sat us down in the shade, letting us steal from the collections we found whilst on the raid. Laying me down in front of him, he put an arm over my stomach and spooned me whilst we slept. I woke up every hour or so because of nightmares about wolves and them eating us.
I apologized for waking him with my sudden jolts just before our dream-selves get eaten, but he assured me that I was doing him a favour because we had to fold ourselves into the shade of the rock before the sweltering heat touched our skin. No matter how tanned we'd become and the amount of medicine we were carrying, we couldn't afford to get burnt.
For the first hour that I couldn't sleep, I awkwardly twisted myself around to watch his peaceful face. It seemed strange because I slept with him all the time, but I never saw his face like this. We slept in the dark when we had to and even then we sometimes didn't sleep. Now in the sunlight only slightly obscured by shadows, I could see every imperfection and flaw of his human face and I discovered I loved every single one. I loved him. I let myself memorise everything I could see and feel, right down to the light breaths tickling my nose.
Nobody was perfect, but he was close.
If I say shut your eyes / Bury me in surprise / Where I say shut your eyes
At some point in the day, whilst I was tracing Ian's face my wandering fingers tracing patterns on his cheeks woke him up. He smiles at me and shuffles us out the way of the sun. We lay back before as he coos in my ear, "Shut your eyes, you need to sleep."
His whispers do as they were meant and soon I am snoring softly.
When we awake and the sun is low we continue the journey, the fact that we are near home excites me.
Help me to carry the fire / We will keep it alight together / Help me carry the fire / It will light our way forever
I can't remember why we left the caves alone. If I was annoyed with them before I'm not now. In fact I've never been happier to see the pink tinged faces of my family in the bitter cold standing outside the caves. They're smiling. Some of them look angry and I think that's because we left without telling them but most have something positive beaming out to us. We near them soon enough, not one of them coming out to meet us because Jeb's gun is in its usual spot.
Jamie is the first person to address me whilst Jeb and Jared confront Ian for leaving without more protection. Mel shouts along with them. How it was to be cared about.
That's when Jamie sees my smile and joins me, "You all right?" The question is simple, but I know what he means. I'm not annoyed anymore. These people love me and I have to accept the way they show it.
"Yeah," I whisper back to him. We leave the loud people and escape to the playroom because no one else is there. We talk for a while with barely any light, just enough to illuminate our faces. Our whispers don't need light to be heard.
I tell my younger brother about Ian's stubbornness and the wolves. He gasps at the appropriate places and laughs when I do. When Ian finds us and our hushed whispers, I smile sleepily. I'm tired, as is Jamie.
"Hey kiddo," Ian speaks to my brother first.
"Ian, you shouldn't underestimate Wanda. She's quite strong."
My love grins, "Why d'you think I agreed to go with her on the raid in the first place?"
We all laugh but my eyes start to flutter closed, Ian notices.
"Let's get you to bed, huh?"
I nod and surprise both of them by lifting my arms, asking to be lifted. Ian's eyes light up. "Are you sure?"
I nod again with only a little more enthusiasm. Sometimes it does well to be cradled against someone's chest; it makes it easier to hear their heartbeat. As he easily pulls me into his arms and kisses my forehead, I make a mental note not to let him get used to it. Still, the blinding grin upon his face is something I like seeing.
Jamie carries the light, only looking back every so often to make sure Ian doesn't trip with his extra load. We would usually travel in darkness but nobody wants him to trip. I fall asleep in my human love's arms, watching as the flickering torch lights our way.
Help me carry the fire / It will light our way forever