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I look to my right and left, making sure no one noticed me. Thorin, well the King, he was looking off into the distance.
I could barely see the King's face but had long ago memorized every curve, sharp nose and beard.
Branded into my heart like a knife.
Even after so long, I could not believe.
I could not forget.
His face.
His smile
His voice.
It turns my knees to jelly, so weak I'm even more clumsy than usual. A rude gorgeous breathtaking dwarf. And to add salt to injury he is a King! Well any hope is pulverized.
Hope.
How could I still have hope, the deep longing that makes my heart catch and hitch. A small spark that had somehow survived my abandonment. I could not fathom my own stupidity.
Abandoned.
I wanted to scream ‘No one should have all those disarming qualities!’ It's not fair, not one bit. But my life has always been so. How did I ever think I could keep him as my own.
Not fair.
Not wanted.
Not loved.
All alone.
A heart pulled toward my other half. Of course he does not feel it.
Did he ever.
Was it all just a dream.
What am I but a hobbit, never truly meant to belong to him, anyone.
A mistake.
So why am I here. Why was I stupid enough to follow a face, a smile and a voice.
A soul bound rejected.
Abandoned.
I'm willing to die for him. For a cause I will never be part of, no matter how hard I try. That's all I do is try. Try to help, try to do better, try to survive long enough to see it done.
He is a King i will follow until my last breath. If I don't do it. What else was I meant for.
Not for him.
Never for him.
But for his hope to regain a lost Kingdom and home. He needs a home, his family and his people.
I watch him as discreetly as I can. His smile is the palm to my aching, broken soul.
He was never meant for me.
Never.
His smile.
They are small and fleeting. His eyes are sapphires that light my path. They are a storm with small light shining thru with thunder all around. A storm never forgotten, life changing.
I've been alone, more alone now with his rejection.
Lonely then I wish to admit. I'm still alone in the midst of dwarrows.
All alone.
They are rowdy, loud and barbaric but I like it; it's so different.
I hate the silence.
Silence brings back the darkness.
These dwarrows are blunt, telling him, how weak and useless I am. Their cruel words hurt but they are true.
I am useless.
Worthless.
At least I existed in their presence, I wasn't ignored or invisible to them. That would have been far worse.
That's how the months passed. Each day bringing them closer to a lost home.
I am a shadow in the darkness.
Watching them.
Watching him.
Trying to get a glimpse of his smile and his eyes. His voice brings an ache I never knew I had or would miss. I would miss it, his voice.
A voice.
Whispers of love and promises.
All lies.
Abandoned.
When he has his Kingdom, I will no longer be of use, what little use I am.
Memories.
These stolen moment I will keep, a treasure.
Fading will come.
What will I do when they tell me to leave. Fade on the way back to a place that had long ago stopped being my home.
I have nothing and no one.
Just a face.
A smile.
A voice.
The fading will take them.
Death will come.
A peace long hoped and waited for will take the pain and longing away.
My soul bond will live.
Days are long and hard. Closer and closer to the end of his life.
The King looks at me with disdain.
I know when to move out of the way. Keep my distance from him.
Rejected.
Abandoned.
I don't belong and never will.
I am small, soft and weak.
It doesn't help the fact that I can not swim, I almost drown. Trying to break into the surface.
I stop struggling.
They're better without a useless hobbit. They've said in many different ways, Thorin most of all. I let my body sink to the bottom, water fill my lungs and darkness descend.
Peace.
Pain.
Breath.
His face.
His disdain.
I never wished to see him look at me in that way.
The fact that I could not fight, am no warrior was fine but that I could not swim, has filled him with loathing. I should have fought to the surface.
I am waste.
A vessel not worthy of life.
Of him.
Rejected.
Abandoned.
I wish to forget that look. I want to recall smiles.
Whispers of love.
Smiles of promise.
All lies.
All he could see what blue stormy eyes filled with intense emotion.
Fire.
Death.
He almost died.
He almost left me alone.
I almost failed.
I did all I could, ran to his defence, killed an orc and warg.
Azog.
The orc could not continue to live in a world where he would take my soul bond.
Death.
I had killed it, the pale orc. Azog is dead.
Thorin is looking at me with hate and fury.
What had I done wrong.
Had I not saved him.
I am weak.
I do not belong.
I stop listening.
Self-preservation.
His words cut deep, more with each time I listen.
No!
He his alive.
I saved him.
I stop looking down. I let him see all my anger, grief and pain.
“What should have I done! Let him Kill You! Take you away from me. Have you abandon me all over again!”
I held my hand close to my chest. I must have broken a few bones. Never slap a rock. No good comes of it.
“Bilbo.”
He whispers into the wind.
“NO! You lost that right years ago.”
I cannot breath.
Rejected.
He's crushing me to his chest.
Abandoned.
I push and pull.
Not loved.
I let the tears fall.
Not wanted.
All I see is his bead, silver shinning in the fading light.
“I'm sorry.”