Chapter Text
The whole room was drenched in darkness and silence, just as expected from early morning hours.
Actually, no, there was a patch of light from the street lamp outside his window. A soft blue glow was coming from the fluorescent silicon band on his wrist. Aomine lifted his arm and waved, so the smear of blue danced around a little. He got that one from Satsuki on his last birthday. "Satsuki," he sighed softly, placing the arm over his eyes. He hadn't seen much of her these days.
Midnight passed exactly four hours and seventeen minutes ago, slipping through his fingers as he stared at the ceiling, unmoving.
Made it through another day, Aomine thought bitterly, what an accomplishment. Should he congratulate himself or should he mourn the time and money and oxygen wasted on his sorry existence? Once again, he didn't know. Maybe a little bit of both. He was weak as that, he slept through the day to chase away the things he was afraid to face, but when the night came and he was lying in his bed, huddled between three pillows and heavy blanket, the feeling caught up to him. Sleeping was hard when he couldn't stop thinking.
It was a hard thing to comprehend for someone like him, but apparently, there were some things not even the great Aomine Daiki could outrun.
What if you deserve it? What if everyone actually sees you the way you see yourself? Worthless. Did you notice no one texts you anymore? Why should they like you anyway?
Maybe he was fucked up right from the start. No, no, shrieked the rational side of him, he wasn't! He was such a happy kid, he had Satsuki and friends and he spent days outside and then he snuggled with mom on couch and she read to him. It was great. Teiko was the place where he started slipping. Basketball was no longer just for fun, it was about winning, everything became only about winning and although Aomine liked to win and he did win, the constant pressure did weird things to his head. Tetsu disappearing was the last drop. It felt like walking into a lake - step by step, water reaching to his waist, shoulders, nose - until he was drowning. Nothing was going to be better, he was stuck in this state of mind, in this permanent sadness. If he drowned, if he died right now, Aomine doubted anyone would mourn him.
He was a monster, right? They've called him that. No one would miss a monster.
As the time passed, sleep turned out to be the only escape, but even that had its downside - it required waking up. At first, he just lied there and stared at the ceiling again. Sunlight was pouring into the room through the big window. Aomine had always liked big windows, until he found himself thinking about jumping out of one. Since then, it scared him shitless. How was his own mind able to produce something like that?! He wasn’t so done to think about taking his own life, was he?
So, the circle was repeating itself day after day.
Summoning the little willpower he still had, Aomine dragged himself out of the bed. That would usually be the hardest, the simplest things. He padded into the bathroom, took a quick shower, brushed his teeth. That would do. It's not like he had time to do much else.
Toou was not a friendly place, at least for him. When he walked down the hall to his class, people either flat out ignored him or stared at him as if he'd grown two heads. Here comes the monster. There were times when he would growl at them or throw insults, but it all became too tiring, so he just pretended not to see them.
Apathy was another new thing in his day to day life. Minutes passed, life was still slipping in between his fingers. He knew he should be doing something about it, but as soon as he started planning a thing, his mind would do that little trick and he would find himself sobbing in the shower. He was useless, right? Maybe he could pack his things and leave. Vanish. Pop! It's not like anyone would miss him. Parents were hardly at home these days, Satsuki had Kuroko, Kuroko had Kagami and majority of his own basketball team would love to get rid of him. No one needed him.
***
Satsuki didn't come to nag him that day, so Aomine went home alone and collapsed.
Why did he still keep on trying, when nothing could make him happy, anyway? He used to love basketball, but now it was just another empty word, it wasn’t interesting anymore unless he clashed with Kagami or one of the Miracles. When he lost to that Bakagami at Winter Cup, he thought everything was going to be normal again, that he will be back to normal, but time passed and Aomine found himself sinking deeper into the sadness, pushing everyone away until no one cared anymore. In the end, he thought, it was all his fault.
Slumped into the corner of the shower, back pressed to the cold white tiles, Aomine finally let himself fall apart. The sobs that tore out of his chest were silenced by the sound of water thumping against the glass, but he clamped a hand over his mouth anyway - father was about to come home soon and the last think he needed was to find his good-for-nothing son wailing in the bathroom like a broken hearted girl.
His father.. Well, Aomine didn't know how to put it. When he was a kid, father always stressed good grades above all. He wanted his only son to be a businessman like himself, or perhaps a doctor or a lawyer. He wanted a calm, clever, responsible child, but the only think he got was hurricane Daiki, the kid that couldn't sit still for more than three minutes. He was a disappointment from the start. As the time passed, they became distant. Father never failed to point out any mistake he made, bad grades, dirty clothes, anything. Whenever someone recognized the Ace of the Generation of Miracles, father would wave it away as a child's play - it won't get him to university and the boy's not that good, he won't be able to go pro. Father will probably move him out the moment Aomine graduated from high school. Maybe he was right. Maybe Aomine really should quit chasing after a ball and start doing something more useful.
Why do you cry so much? Just because you are you? So pathetic. Why are you always so sad? Stop being sorry for yourself, no one cares anyway! They are perfectly fine without you, maybe even better.
Father really came home early. Aomine couldn't tell if he heard anything, but as he came down to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water, the man's gaze was firmly glued on him.
"What?" Aomine croaked. He knows. He knows, he heard everything, he knows, heknowsheknows..
Father frowned a little, his eyes sharp as ever. "Is everything all right, Daiki? At the school? Your eyes are all red and-"
At moments like this, it felt like he watched his own life being played in slow motion. "I'm fine," he blurted out perhaps little too quickly. No you are not, roared the rational side of him. Stop being an idiot and say it out loud! You need help, you need it now before something snaps and you find yourself actually stepping out of your own fucking window. You need someone to talk to, someone to tell you it's alright to feel like this. You need someone to make you feel better. You need it! You're going to die if you stay like this.
"It's nothing, just shampoo got into my eyes, that's all."
"If you say so," father nodded, but Aomine could see that he wasn't convinced at all. He turned on his heel to head back to the solace of his room, but the firm voice made him stop right on the spot.
"Don't sweat it too much, son. It's understandable if you struggle with your grades, you've never been much of a genius."
Parents love you just because you are, right? Who's supposed to love you if not your own parents? Who was he supposed to turn to if not to his own parents? Father had never been to any of his basketball games and obviously thought he was stupid. Mother was kind, but she still thought that all he needed was to think positive and everything is going to be sunshine and rainbows again. If he told them what was going on in his head, would they ever believe him?
"Sure, father."
Later that evening, Aomine found himself staring on his cell phone. He wanted to call Satsuki, but she was probably fawning over Tetsu or drowning in homework so maybe he shouldn't bother her. She had enough of her own weight to carry. Today was only Monday so maybe he could pick her up on Friday and take her to cinema or something.
***
Satsuki had always been more observant than he gave her credit for. "Dai-chan," she said softly, "when was the last time you ate something?" Aomine didn’t know. Probably yesterday or the day before? It didn’t make much difference. Preparing food took a lot of energy and sitting in the big kitchen all by himself made him feel stupid things. He’ll buy something on his way home, plus, it’s not like he couldn’t survive another day or two like this.
She found him in the infirmary. He used to hide there when he was too lazy or too tired to function in class, but today he felt really sick. The thing inside his stupid head didn't crawl out only in shower or at night. It was in the middle of a Math class when he felt the familiar sensation of his throath tightening and the stinging in his eyes. He had to leave the classroom immediately. The infirmary was almost always empty and it provided the solace he needed to calm himself down.
"You look sick," she sighed. Satsuki sat herself down on the camp-bed, her nimble fingers started toying with his hair. "Are you sure everything is alright?"
This was the moment, the breaking point. Now he could finally tell someone.
I'm not alright. I need help. My head is a dark place. When I wake up in the morning, I have to persuade myself to pry my eyes open and get up, but all I want is to lie down and sleep until I can't wake up anymore. Aomine stared at her beautiful face and wished his lips would cooperate with his brain. Once again, he'd proved to be a failure.
"Dai-chan?"
Satsuki was starting to sound panicked, the hand petting his temple stopped and for a minute she looked as if she knew, but then he blurted: "It's just some stomach sickness." Aomine couldn't stand her being upset, no matter what. If she knew, she would only end up crying over his stupid brain fucking him over and he won't have that.
Still, he longed for her company. "What are you doing on Friday?"
Satsuki blinked before lowering her gaze to inspect her shoes. Aomine got the hint.
"I'm sorry, Dai-chan. Tetsu-kun invited me and few friends to party and I promised.."
Me and few friends. And he was what, air?! Aomine felt familiar anger bubbling in his chest and he welcomed it. Anger was easier than the constant sadness. "Few friends, huh?"
He wasn't the only one realizing the implication. Satsuki started to pet his hair again, as if she was taming a wild animal. "Yeah, just Ki-chan and maybe Midorin since Takao-kun demanded they'll go, too. Oh, and Mukkun, but he's visiting his grandpa in Osaka, so he can't go. There will be Tetsu-kun's teammates and the awful manager," Satsuki scrunched her nose at the thought of Aida Riko. For some reason or other, she was being extremely jealous of her even though in Aomine's eyes, it should totally be the other way. "Wait! Would you like to come with us?"
Aomine's brows threatened to join his hairline. He wasn't expecting to be invited when Tetsu left him out, but a good dose of human interaction with someone he knew could help him. Maybe. It was far better than shutting himself at home with nothing on his hands and too much time to think.
He faked a small smile. "Yeah, I'd like to."
***
It was Friday morning and Aomine overslept his alarm. It was his own fault, he knew, because apparently he and his brain couldn't decide whether going to that party tonight was a good thing or not and he spent better part of the night pondering about it. His argument was clear - he felt terribly lonely. The brain countered with higher possibility of triggering something and also with the fact that it was stupid idea, because most of these people thought he was an A-class dickhead. Tetsu would invite him if he wanted to have Aomine here, wouldn't he?
It was almost lunchtime. He ran into the bathroom, brushing his teeth with zone-like speed, then washed his face and decided that it would have to do.
Shit, shit, shit. Really, the last thing he needed was a problem like this. He threw the bathroom door open, but stopped dead in his tracks.
"-mine."
Was someone else home? Mother had a daytime shift and father was supposed to be on some council. Noon was no time to come back home, well, if one of them wasn't feeling sick or something.
"Ooh.. A-Aomine!"
Again, he heard it. Someone was home after all. It was kind of squeaky, female voice, quite annoying. As far as Aomine knew, his only aunt lived back at Philippines, so there was no way-
"Deeper."
"Harder!"
Oh shit.
The thick crust of apathy was broken as he hurried downstairs, heading for the living room. The awful voice was surely coming from he-
However, he should never have done such a stupid thing.
It wasn't his mother nor his aunt and it definitely wasn't his grandmother. It was a young girl, Aoimine noticed and his stomach suddenly threatened to turn, a girl in high school uniform. She was bouncing on father's lap as his hands guided her hips the way he wanted. Her face was screwed tight in some kind of pain or perhaps pleasure, he refused to think about it, but it was definitely a familiar girl.
"Daiki!" Father roared when he noticed him. He threw the girl off and started putting on his pants but Aomine didn't feel like waiting for any sorry explanation of his. He ran up the stairs and slammed the door to his room so hard the handle almost fell off. Not only did his father cheat on mom in their own living room, but he was also a closeted pervert! Well, that was some triggering shit.
"Daiki!" So, the banging on the door began. Aomine was genuinely surprised father didn't just surge in, but he wasn't complaining. This way he could shout: "Go away!"
"No, fuck, Daiki, come talk to me!"
Aomine hardly felt like doing that. Instead, he grabbed his schoolbag and jacket and decided to storm out of the house while he was still holding it together. Not that the image of his father fucking one of Tetsu's schoolmates - that was the familiarity here, the uniform was definitely from Seirin - was making him much sad, no, but it made him pretty fucking angry. Disgusted.
He threw the door open. It probably grazed father's chest or something, but Aomine didn't care. He was leaving.
That was until father grabbed his arm. "Daiki, wait! It's not how it loo-"
"You know how it looks like?!" He spat before the man in front off him even finished the sentence, "well, to me it looks like my father's fucking children-molesting pervert."
"Stop overreacting, she's seventeen."
"I am seventeen! You think it's alright for me to go and fuck middle aged men?"
You're such an idiot, sang the voice in his mind and this time Aomine had to agree. This was obvious step over the line. Maybe too far over the line, into a dark teritorry he'd never wished to enter.
“No, I don’t think that would be alright.” Father's expression smoothed out. He let go of Aomine's arm, small, cruel smile tugging on the corners of his mouth. "You'd probably suck at that one, too. But you know, finding a sugar daddy might be your only option since your basketball isn't so invincible anymore and I'm positive you're too dumb to find a decent job. Just like your mother. It's only a matter of time before they throw you out of that school, so act quickly, Daiki, because I refuse to feed a useless mouth."
Once again, the world felt like in a slow motion. Aomine watched the way father's smirk broadened with each word and the wider it was, the more broken Aomine felt.
***
Beep beep.
"Huh?" Momoi fished her pink phone from the tiny handbag. Ha, she got a message. Dai-chan. It better said that he was on his way since she'd been waiting on the bus stop for more than twenty minutes. The boy had a habit of coming late, but hey, it was rude to let a girl wait for so long, wasn't it?
Momoi quickly opened the message, but immediately regretted doing so. What a way to ruin her evening!
I can't do it, it said and that was all. No apology? Alright. "Meanie." She shut the phone and was ready to put it back into the handbag when it beeped again.
Sorry Satsuki. I can't go on like this. Not anymore. Take care :)